Card-Carrying Member
When I got home (an hour late, as one of my carpool-mates got into a car accident pulling out of the parking lot), Rachel greeted me with a somber look.
“We have to talk,” she said.
I admit, my mind started racing. What had I done, or failed to do? As my mouth began to form generic excuses, she walked over to the table, reached into the pile of mail, and handed me an envelope. The return address said: “2006 Republican Party, Platinum Member.”
“I swear, I have no idea what this is,” I stammered, opening the envelope. Then, reading the letter inside, I began to laugh.
To a great nation, history has given great tasks. And throughout history, we’ve seen Americans unite to meet every challenge. Our nation has triumphed over adversity. We’ve defended freedom and promoted liberty and democracy around the world.
Now - in this hard-fought election year that will determine the course of our nation - our challenge is clear. We must give President George W. Bush the support he needs to do what’s right for America.
Mr. Harvey, I believe your exemplary record of loyalty and patriotism proves you are a leader President Bush can count on in this important struggle.
It is therefore my distinct privilege as Chairman of the Republican National Committee (RNC) to present you with your 2006 Republican Party Platinum Card on behalf of President Bush and every Republican leader nationwide. I hope you will be as proud to carry this exclusive card as I am to have the honor of presenting to you.
Sure enough, tucked into a response card with checkboxes for donations from $25 to $1000 was a shiny card with my name on it.
I hate to break it to Ken Mehlman, but I think he might have gotten his enemies list and his mailing list crossed up.
I admit I’m especially amused by this bit:
I’ve asked my staff at the RNC to carefully track every card issued. If your confirmation is not received in the next few days, I’ll have to assume your Platinum Card was not delivered, and I’ll need to go to the extra expense of ordering and sending a new one. So please don’t forget to mail it right away.
Oh, yeah. I would certainly hate for the RNC to have to go to any extra expense.
In unrelated news, I would like to express some filial pride in my father on the occasion of his theatrical debut:
Bob Harvey claims to have never appeared in a play before, but his performance suggests a previous existence as a stand-up comedian on the borscht circuit.
Hells yeah.
Popularity: 6% [?]
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?
Mind you, I keep getting phone calls from some non-profit concerned with the effect of television and the like on children, which gets as far as me saying, “I don’t have children, I can’t have children, and will you please not call me again?”
Grrr. Sad part is, non-profits are exempt from the do not call registry.
I want to trust you, honey, but how can I when confronted with such damning evidence? Sure, if it was the basic membership card I might have believed there was a mix-up, but the PLATINUM card? You must have done something mighty Republicany to deserve that.
Interesting fact: you can pay down any month-to-month carryover with morsels of your own soul. Totally true! And the rewards program allows you to choose from a wide selection of smarm. (Smarms? Feh.)
Actually, I’d have assumed I wasn’t required to pay anything at all to carry a balance, ever since Reagan proved that deficits don’t matter.
Nice!
I say you go on a spending spree and claim it the card was stolen. FYI, I like BMW’s and Audi’s.
Perhaps you should give them a call and let them know you’re a registered democrat…maybe there’s a democrat card you don’t know about, you could be missing out on all kinds of benefits!
Of course if the platinum card was indeed a credit card…the above comment would’ve been much funnier. Yeah I’m a dumbass.
Well, sure, it’s not a credit card, but it’s much more fun to pretend it is.
I knew it.