Look, it’s not just me that thinks “24” sucks tons. Even the writers know.

1:00: We’ve got, what, 4-5 hours of Jack Bauer and Doyle chasing after the Chinese? Remember several, several weeks ago when I mentioned that the nukes weren’t going to be the penultimate climax. It took a little longer than I figured, but I was proven correct.
-Can we discuss the reality that exists in “24” where the threat of China securing a Russian defensive component seems to create the same amount of tension as the idea of terrorists running around with FIVE nuclear bombs
1:06: Noah values Karen and appreciates her sacrifice. And the writers are making him seem like a good guy now.
-Oh, Jesus Christ, the VP’s Anne Coulterish aide is a sex freak? Her boyfriend didn’t seem like a foreign agent, but is he a domestic baddie?
-I think I mentioned this a couple weeks ago, but did the Russians not care about the component for the last 16 hours? All of a sudden, they’re very serious about retrieving it.
-The VP has a point about the Russian general sneaking the bomb into the US and trying to detonate them. The Chinese wouldn’t have gotten the component if that hadn’t happened.
-You have to think the VP does not enjoy getting hung up on by the Russian President.
-Selective Satellite. That’s what I call it when in the course of a few hours C.T.U. is able to track random vehicles driving away from malls, but then lack the ability to track Hummers driving away from a location that desperately needed surveillance.
-The Chinese just downloaded the schematics to a computer IN the US… This type of plot hole gives me migraines. Wouldn’t it have been just as easy to download the schematics of the chip to a computer in China?
-“Without it, this technology is useless to us!” This is dumb. The chip is damaged and thus not usable.
1:17: I forget her name, but where’d she get the robe?
-Oh, I guess her boyfriend is a bad guy.
-Dr. Bradley, eh, I wonder what his story is.
1:23: Arms, feet, and groin? What kind of injections are injected into her groin?
-Jack Bauer went though the same treatment? Maybe that’s why he’s so disgruntled, because he got injections into his groins.
1:30: This VP is a weak, weak, weak man. Really. He could have any blonde he wanted.
-Tom Lennox should work for C.T.U. He figured out the leak in about 10 minutes. That’s yeoman work!
-Noah, you’ve got to do the right thing. Please.
-“Then we’ve got a bigger problem than you think, Tom.” “Why’s that, sir?” “Because I’m sleeping with her, too.” I’m laughing uncontrollably right now. I don’t ever laugh out loud like this. That was amazing and excellent and wonderful. I think that scene redeemed between 3 and 7 episodes of “24” shitiness. That made it all worth it.
1:34: JBKC: 28 and 29 (Doyle and the other guard).
1:35 JBKC: 30 and 31 (Dr. Bradley)
-Remember that JBKCs are Jack Bauer Knockdown Counts. I determined very early in the first hour of the last season that I wouldn’t be able to count easily whether Jack Bauer had killed someone, wounded them, or merely knocked them out. Therefore, anyone that Jack Bauer knocks down, I count.
-Damn, Nadia, you’re just going to let Milo talk to you like that?
1:41: Tom Lennox and Noah
-Hasn’t Jack Bauer hidden in C.T.U. before?
-You guys didn’t know this, but Jack Bauer majored in Psychology as an undergrad. He also played midget football.
-“I love you with all my heart.” That was a little melodramatic, wasn’t it?
-Doyle forced Nadia to grow some balls, and everyone wins!
1:52: Tom Lennox and Noah are clever like foxes. Lisa Miller is clearly no match.
-I think this is a tactical error. Noah and Tom Lennox should have gotten Mark Bishop bad information through Lisa Miller.
-Lisa just learned that Hell hath no fury like a man scorned.
-One possibility is that Lisa tries to tell Mark a lie and he recognizes it as such and everything backfires.
1:56: Secretary Heller is still a douche bag.

I know this movie wasn’t completely factually accurate, but it seemed like a stretch that the Spartans fought in a red cape and tighty reddies. I guess they also had shields and helmets, but couldn’t they have used some sort of pants? Gory and action packed.

Added to my list of things I’d never before done at a wedding:

• Have my picture taken with Wally, the Green Monster

Added to my list of things I’d never before done at Fenway Park:

• Dance the hora

An open bar, ridiculous food, the happy couple on the scorecard, and watching a Red Sox/Yankees game on about 10 screens in the State Street Pavilion? Not bad. Only think that would have made it better would have been if the Sox mounted another ninth inning comeback.

Congratulations, Melisa and Sean.

This was a dumb movie. I’m not sure why it was made or why it was ever on our Netflix. Also, I’ve never understood Laura Dern’s draw as a leading lady.

Sheep in Japan refuse to eat dog food and never bark. This wouldn’t be such a huge problem if the people buying the sheep knew they were sheep and not the poodles they thought they were buying.
Fleeced indeed.
Or
You can put lipstick on a sheep, but that don’t make it a poodle.

Anyone who thinks they can make an interesting rockumentary about any band should watch this for inspiration. The production quality was horrible as the sound didn’t always sync during live shots and the camera work was shaky and amateur at best. The subject matter always saves it, though, doesn’t it?

Please go here and then here and tell the FDA that vegetable oil + whey protein + flavorings ≠ chocolate.

You can take a catastrophically mismanaged war, tie a ribbon around it and call it a victory for democracy, but it’s still a disaster and a defeat. And a box of partially hydrogenated, artificially flavored candy can never be a box of chocolates.

Word.

Ladies and gentleman, please enjoy this video of Unlikely Words’s very own AC performing Young MC’s “Bust A Move”:
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Normally when they make movies about people killing each other they don’t make it this long. From the beginning, you could tell there was going to be a twist in Smokin’ Aces and I figured it out about halfway through. At the end, however, when it was explained, I still didn’t quite understand it.

12:00: Doyle just had a terrible time getting someone to stop their car and let him take it. He practically caused a multi-car pile up.
-Where did Doyle get a cell phone with a hands free? Did he just put someone’s hands free into his ear? Ew.
-“All available resources to stop Jack [Bauer].” Is that really the best use of resources. These people have a strange code of loyalty. One minute they’re breaking protocols, the next they’re utilizing all possible resources to track rogue Jack Bauer.
-Here’s a White House spokesperson addressing the country with a statement and not taking any questions. Would that have been so hard for Wayne Palmer? Wouldn’t that have been the best for the country? Now we’re stuck with Noah.
-The scene with Tom Lennox and Noah the VP was kind of strange and both men seemed to be playing mental chess. I don’t even really care who won.
12:14: Is this the scene where Noah the VP and his Anne Coulter aide make out?
-Ding ding ding! Yeah, I guess it is.
-She said the media already knows that the acting president is a “dirty old man”.
-That’s a pretty ridiculous plot twist that they’ve been telegraphing for about 16 episodes.
-Do you think the guy whose car Doyle stole is going to be mad when he realizes that Doyle is running up his cell minutes?
12:17: Chloe is picking a fight with Morris and then she goes over the line with the “how about you don’t arm nuclear bombs for terrorists” line. Not sure why or where this is going.
-I didn’t realize we were going to get more of Reid Pollack/Chad Lowe. If I didn’t have this blog, I would have stopped watching by now. This is going to make me hate all of you.
-I wonder how Karen Hayes is going to get around this Hawk DOJ character. I’m pretty sure that neither Karen nor Buchannon are going down in the end.
12:28: It’s plausible that Jack Bauer knows about all the abandoned motels between San Diego and Sacramento.
12:30: Maybe Tom Lennox is going to figure it out for Karen?
-Or maybe not.
12:33: Did Jack Bauer just call Bill Buchannon at home? I don’t think anyone’s ever reached anyone’s voicemail in the history of this show.
12:38: Morris can’t hang with the abuse from the Chloe Rhino. We haven’t seen her like that in a long time, have we?
-Bill Buchannon and I have the same cell phone. Jessie, too.
-Bill should get a divorce. Karen is a lousy wife. I can’t remember if Bill knows that Karen hid the evidence of Bill letting Fayed go?
-How did Jack Bauer make an encrypted phone call on a stolen cell phone? I don’t think that’s possible.
12:42: Nadia is acting director? Isn’t she, too, you know, ambiguously Arabic to be director?
12:44: This show is like one of those clown cars at the circus. You know what I mean.
-I bet the interim director is going to be a hateful character. Or Chase?
-If Bill was fired, how would he be able to lift all of the restrictions on her security clearance?
-Jono and I think Bill Buchannon has been fired more than once. Probably last year or the year before?
-Oh no. Bill was fired before he could reassign Morris. I wonder how that makes him feel? Probably bad.
-Are the Chinese rolling up in a Hummer Limo? Oh, no, just a regular limo.
12:53: Wouldn’t it make a ton of sense for Doyle to take out the guys guarding Audrey and then grab Jack Bauer.
-Chang just spoke Chinese to Audrey… I guess she learned it while she was there.
-Oh, so Doyle screwed this up? It certainly seems that way. And I swear, if those Humvees are able to escape the helicopter…
-Well, that’s just silly. Of course they have a bazooka.
12:57: JBKC 26 and 27 (Chang’s men). Jack is really on a bad guy tear of late.
-Jack Bauer is the Audrey Whisperer.
-Jack Bauer just realized that he just risked his reputation to save a crazy shell of Audrey. Way to go.
-That’s awesome, they made it so that Audrey couldn’t say anything except “Help me, Jack [Bauer], don’t let them do this to me.”