Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 1

A couple months ago, I posted Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 3 of 30 Rock. I said if you guys wanted it, I'd go back and do Season 1 and Season 2. Well, you wanted it, so here's Season 1 and I'll post Season 2 next week.

As I said before, it's the combination of delivery and content that gets me and again, these lines were transcribed completely without context. A lot of times context makes them funnier and a lot of times lack of context does. Leave your favorite lines in the comments, enjoy!

Episode 1
-I am a Jedi. I am a Jedi. I am a Jedi.NUP_112581_0087

-I'll have an apple juice.

-Then I'll take a vodka and tonic.

-I know who you are.

-Let me ask you a question, everyone at this table. Did he just say the word 'pumpkin' to me?

-Yo! I'm bugging. I can't do this. I cannot eat here. I can't eat here. I got to go to someplace where they make food that I like. Lemon, let's go.

-Ohh. Ohhh. Goodness gracious, you hooligans better watch out, cuz this honky grandma be tripping.

-Where's the love? Right on and let me get 2 half a chickens and some pecan waffles.

-Eat, Lemon, eat! I hate skinny women. Hey, Alana, 10 beers.

-Nah, I ain't doing it unless I get to do it my way. You know I want it to be raw. HBO style content.

-Cuz I want to drop truth bombs! You know how pissed off I was when US Weekly said that I was on crack? That's racist. I'm not on crack. I'm straight up mentally ill.

-You know I got mental health issues.

-Yeah, yeah, I like risky. See, me and you? We play the game. We know how to be acceptable. Hello, great meeting. I drink coffee, please. This show is our chance to break the shackles, cuz the white dudes want to see us fail.

-All of them. Jack Donaghy, General Electric, George Bush, Karl Robe.

-Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other. To distract us while white dudes inject aids into our chicken nuggets. That's a metaphor.

-Hey, Lemon, you like karaoke? I know a joint.

-I'll take you, I'll take you! I just gotta make a quick stop first.

-You know why I should do this TV show, Lemon?

-To get you rich! Cuz you know if I'm on that TV show it's going to blow up.

-Your teeth. You got to think like these strippers, Lemon. They know the window of opportunity is only open for a moment. You gotta get in while you're young, get the money, and get out.

-Neither do they! Yes, they do.

-Ohhhhlalalala. We're strong! No one can tell us we're wrong. Searching our heart for so long.

-Hell no!

-From Chicago? I was in Scottie Pippen's wedding.

-He fired Pete? He can't fire Pete.

-Mm?

-Mmhmm. Yeah, suck it, Pete.

-Hey, Lemon, I'll drop you off. Where do you live?

-I wanna see that.

-Oh. Oh. Pull over. Pull over here.

-Right here.

-This is where I grew up.

-Wasn't no Jordan family nothing. This is where I was in foster care.

-Me and two other dudes and a girl with messed up fingers.

-I'm so lucky I got out of here.

-About what?

-Alright.

-Excuse me, where's the manager? I'm from the government and I'm here to inspect your chicken nuggets.

-Uh, oh. Look at shorty. This honky grandma be tripping!

-Wassup, America? I'm coming into your house live! Let me hear you say we love you, Tracy!

-I am the third heat!

-Ahhh, yeah. Holla at your boy.

-I can't wait to do this with you every week. Haha!

Season 2
-How you feel, NBC tour? Cuz you look good like a solid gold candy bar!

-Give up the butt, ladies. Give up the butt!

-Jack! Haha! Oh my goodness. It's good to see you again, brother. It's good to see you again.

-Come on, Jack, now you know I'm the kid. I'm easy like Sunday morning. Don't look at me. Do not look at me in the eyes.

-Hey, Pete? You smoke weed, right, Pete? Me neither. Me and you, Pete. Me and you, heeheehee.

-Don't just sit there, come over here and give me some sugar.

-Well, if you ever want to piss your parents off, you come see me.

-Let me just say, I'm excited to be here. It's an honor for you to meet me. I got a lotta characters I'm ready to bust out. I got a character named Biscuit, write that up. Got another character named Renaldo who's a 2 foot tall Spanish hustler. Glasses, I want you to write that one. Got another character named Ching Chong who loves to play ping pong. I just made that up right now, cuz that's how I flow. Now I'm up for anything.

-No. I don't like that.

-So I said, 'Rick, this chick's got an Adam's apple. And, Rick said to me, I'll never forget this, 'Freakydeekys need love, too. Freakydeekys need love, too.'

-So, how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable?

-Nuh uh. Superman does good. You're doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.

-Lemon. Lemon. Can I be real with you? I haven't a real job in like, 2 years. I'm not used to all these, all these cue cards and all of that.

-You're right, I got this. Thanks for looking for me, Lemon. I'ma crush it. Let's show these people how a movie star does it.

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. I'm proud as a peacork, baby.

-What'd I say?

-Peacock, think peacock. Right, Jenna?

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. I'm proud as a peaCOCK, baby.

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. Right, Jenna Malbany?

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. I'm proud as a peacock. Right, my bologna?

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black, NBC. Very proud. Like peacocks. Right, Janet? I think we got it. I think we got it.

-Please, you can't hurt me. I did stand up on Rome, the crowd once threw a motorcycle at me.

-Which on is Toofer?

-Oh.

-Let's crash my car to see if the airbags go off.

-Mostly mad at you.

-Nah, nah, nah, nah. This is what we gonna do, Lemon. You gonna get everyone on my yacht. Harbor cruise, drinks, togetherness.

-I got a yacht, a solid gold jet ski, 2 Batmobiles, the AIDS monkey's bones..

-Welcome. Welcome to your fantasy.

-Oh, yeah. I've taken this boat many places. Miami, Tokyo, Denver.

-What?

-Oh, that's Spanish for remember your mother.

-My bologna? Look at you. Wow.

-Let me make you a drink. You love apple martinis, right?

-I read your interview in Amtrak magazine.

-Mmmhmm.

-I didn't know that. Hey Toofer, see if I got any Schnapps.

-It's for you. Take it, my friend.

-I hear you sing. I didn't know that. Why don't you sing something for me.

-I do.

-Hey, hey, Griz, don't wreck this boat!

-Don't worry. He was in the Navy.

-I'm Bill Cosby, Jello sweaters.

-You don't have to thank me, Lemmon, we're a team now. Like Batman and Robin. Like chicken and chicken container.

-It's Spanish for 'remember your mother'. I've taken this boat to Denver. You can have that Scotch. Griz was in the Navy.

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Episode 3
-Josh, you and me. Thursday night. I know this guy that runs an underground bird fight.

-Poker night? I love poker. I used to play all kinds of poker with my aunts. Crazy Sevens. Albuquerque Freak Out. One Card Stud.

-Whatever. Get ready to get took.

-Remind me what's better, a pair of black aces? Or a pair of red aces?

-Donaghy. What up?

-This round, Texas Doozie. Face cards are wild. Threes are jinx. Fives are twooos.

-Be my guest. Show me love.

-OK, Rainman, tell me what I got.

-I'm out.

-Damn, Jack, you went all out! That's a giant shrimp.

-I been playing for two hours. I'm tired of losing. I'ma let my boy Dotcom play a hand for me.

-So hey, Dotcom, are we going to those three clubs tonight?

-You know the doctor said I had four hearts in my body?

-Damn it.

Episode 4
-What's up, Ken?

-Thanks, Ken. You done good.

-But I want you to know something. You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. Cuz I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving.

-So here's some advice I wish I would have got when I was your age... Live every week like it's shark week.

-K, my boy. What's the frequency, Ken? Yo, I need you to grab me some lunch.

-I want nachos. From Yankee Stadium.

-Meebeepribbybibby.

-Do you want to know another key to success?

-Dress every day like you gonna get murdered in those clothes.

-You did real good the other day with those nachos, but I need you to do something of a different nature. Would you agree when I say that a man's freedom only exists when he's free to pursue his desires.

-Which means, when the law conflicts with our desires then we must operate outside the law. You following me?

-Now I got a mission for you.

-Hahah. You done good, Ken. That thing ever goes missing or gets into the public water supply? We don't know each other.

-I got one little errand for you to run. Tomorrow is my anniversary and I almost forgot about it. But what did I tell you was the secret to having a good marriage and keeping it together, Kenneth?

-That’s my boy! That's why I want you to go see my jeweler.

Episode 5
-Rehearsal? We did a show last week. I'm just here to pick up a paycheck.

-It's not gonna work? Next Friday is Damon Dash's birthday party and the Friday after that is an orgy over at Elizabeth's.

-Can't do it. I'm an improviser. My acting style is like jazz. Jazz that you laugh at. Benaneemeeenbeneeeebbene. Hahahahaa.

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black, NBC. Very proud. Like peacocks. Right, Janet?

-Nah, Lemon. I'll do that later. I gotta bounce.

-Let's go rescue Karen or whatever. Is it Cheryl? Then she can tell us where the drugs are. I mean gold. Then we got the car chase. I'm getting way too old for this. Was I supposed to say that there?

-I don't know what to tell you. They making me rehearse. I know Pat Benatar rarely performs live. Scalp the damn tickets!

-Cool, I'll read those later, Lemon.

-Can I read?

-So you're asking me if I'm illiterate?

-So I could like, leave work early if I need a tutor?

-I can't read Liz Lemon. My shameful secret is out. Now you know why I'm always running into the ladies bathroom. I can't read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent! I think I voted for Nader! Nader!

-I feel as though a great weight has been lifted off of me, Liz Lemon. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. All thanks to one very, very special white lady. I'll be in late tomorrow.

-Damn, George Will just gets more and more conservatives.

-Shamon. Yeah, I had to go to reading class. You hear this mess about Y sometimes being a vowel? What a world.

-Yeah, alright, cool.

-Yeah. It's good. I like it.

-Really. I'll be leaving early today.

-Fine, yes. I'm literate. I even have a column in Ebony called Musings.

-I'm unbelievable? What about your racist mess? Thinking a grown man is illiterate. That's the subtle racism of lowered expectations. Bing Crosby said that.

-That's racist.

-But this job is hard. I just want to be able to do what I want to do. You know I once shot a whole movie without getting out of my car.

-But we're cool, right Mr. Donaghy?


Episode 6
-Did you see this? It's horrible! They're printing libel about me again. Libel, Liz Lemon!

-That's what I'm saying! That's character assassination! That's not normal! It only looks like I'm walking out of a Starbucks, when actually I'm doing the robot going backwards INTO a Starbucks! And I don't even know whose dog that is! Yes, I steal dogs.

-I can't be normal. If I'm normal, I'm boring. If I'm boring, I'm not a movie star. If I'm not a movie star, then I'm poor! And poor people can't afford to pay back the $75,000 in cash they owe Quincy Jones!

-Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

-Wassup?

-Uh huh? Who normal now? You hear me America? Whose normal now?

-I got this tattoo for the good of the show. Gives us an edge. The reason why you brought me on. And when you purchase Tracy Jordan, he comes with a tattoo of a biblical dragon from outer space.

-You can't put makeup on my tattoo, Liz Lemon, it's in my contract.

-Damn it, where's my Sharpie?

-Look, I'm crazy, not stupid. Movie star can't have a big old permanent face tattoo. I just need to walk around with this for a week. Get my picture on the interweb. Show the world I'm still dangerous.

-I had extreme plastic surgery to have it removed? Baboom! That's another not normal.

-I need to protect my reputation. You take away my street cred I'm Wayne Brady.

-I shouldn't expect a white woman from Whiteville to understand street cred.

-And I'm Condoleezza Rice.

-Yo, this blackout messed me up. I didn't get to debut my dragon face. Could I do the Today Show tomorrow.

-Tattoo's fake, Donaghy, fake.

Episode 7
-I am a stabbing robot. I will stab you. I will stab you. I am-.

-I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America.

-Me and my wife like to play rape. She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then, I put on a ski mask...

-I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding-dong.

-Or I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.

-I was pooping in the ladies' room at The Ivy...

-My hair hurts. Anybody gonna answer the phone? Is anybody gonna answer the phone? The phone! It's ringing. Brriiinnng. Brriinnnggg.

-Where your feet at, blue man?

-What else? What else is on my mind-grapes? I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan and not the Minister Farrakhan you're thinking of. Whose that dude?

-The blue dude. Tell him to stop staring at me. I don't like that dude. I don't like that dude.

-Yes, I am having trouble with my cable television. Yes I will hold. Excuse me, I have another call. Hi Mom. I am doing fine.

-I'm bugging out. I'm bugging out. I'm bugging out.

-Dr. Spaceman. Dr. Spaceman.

-Dr. Spaceman. Dr. Spaceman.

-Blue man. That blue dude keep following me. Ahhhhhh.

-Stop. No. Ahhh. No. Nah. Blue man. Always running up on me, Mr. blue man.. I can't take the Blue man. I don't want the blue man. You want a piece of me? We can box it, though.

-Ahhh. Ahhhh.

-[Chewbacca noise] No! Past Pete is here to kill future Pete. [Chewbacca noise]

-[Chewbacca noise]

-Mr. blue man. Gonna tell me my feet stink? You don't even have feet. Blue man.

-Blue man, where your feet at.

-Nooo. Ooohhh. Ooooh. Nooo.

Episode 8
-Yeah, then I could go, 'Rodney don't make me come over there and make me beat you over the head with one of my boom booms.'

-What's your problem?

-Whatever. I played a woman before. Honky grandma be tripping made $96 million.

-What? It was huge on BET. Every Thursday night at around 9 or 9:15.

-Bernie Mac doesn't do it cuz he be ugly as hell.

-Forget it. I'm not wearing this dress. It's prejudicial.

-That's our show for tonight. See you next week!

-You burned me! There's nothing wrong with a black comedian wearing a dress. Eddie does it. Martin does it. Jamie Foxx. Flip Wilson. Whoopie Goldberg does it everyday. You stole a franchise from me. Shemanda could have been a movie!

-Our comedy gotta do more than make people laugh. Gotta make people think. I wanna hold a mirror up to society and then win world record for biggest mirror.

-Gotta be raw!

-What?

-Are you black?

-Well now you're just being patrinizzle.

-I thought writing with you was gonna be like two brothers writing together. We're not even speaking the same language.

-Come on. Who raised you? Standing there with your pants that fit. Using a wallet. Drinking Starbucks. And what is this!?

-Come on. Where's your heritage? My brother. My homeboy. My ni-.

-Now I have to attend sensitivity training.

-Brothers talk to other brothers like that. I was being friendly.

-It's OK for us to use it with each other. You can call me that. It's a term of endearment.

-Not cool, homie. You might as spray me down with a firehose.

-I wish to file a complaint.

-Sneaky Taiwanese tranny who stole my watch.

-I'm trying to tell him he's my brother. We the only 2 blacks on the show we have to figure out a way to work together. As Professor Martin Luther King said, 'I have a feeling.'

-Ahh. Dude wears if khakis. Uncle Tom party at work. Uncle Tom party at work.

-You know what I think? I think you're ashamed of being black and you're an embarrassment to your community.

-That's it. This is it. This is the sketch we should do.

-Right here you and me. This is deep stuff going on. We gotta write this.

-Ahahaha. Dr. Snow, thank you very much!

-Hello, I'm Star Jones and welcome to the Star Jones gastric bypass cooking show.

-Now you know, I can only eat small portions. Ahhhh. Ah, my goodness, dessert.

Episode 9
-Ahhahha, No, Ahhah.

-I love you to, J-Bird! Yo, I don't like that dude. It's disrespectful when he imitates me. I want him fired.

-How would you like it if I did an impression of you, Liz Lemon? Hi, I'm Liz Lemon. I like to wear man shirts. Watch me skateboard.

-Hurts, doesn't it?

-You always take his side.

-See, I need to be respected, Liz Lemon. But what do you know about respect?

-Well, if you won't do anything about it, then I'll just go over your head. To Donaghy.

-This is how you take care of things, Liz Lemon? I'm going to Jack Donaghy.

-Too late. This is untoward! This is not toward! Psshhhh.

-Yo!

-Damn right! Keeps impersonating me. Makin' me into a caricature!

-Whoooa. Those dudes are crazy. Forget it. I don't need any of that noise.

-For reals?

-Kenneth, get Donaghy on the phone.

-Meebee Jackson's condo?

-A childrens' clothing store in Dubai?

-Too late, Liz Lemon. He called me 5 minutes ago.

-Nothing unusual. Russian mobs, invisible motorcycles, sex pooping.

-Jack Donaghy. Now I know you asked me not to say anything, but I think I know somebody who can help you with your sex poop problem.

-And when you're done with that call my wife and tell her I'm sorry about what happened with me and Keith and them.

Episode 10
-Donaghy, I need your help!

-I need $60 thousand or I'm'a lose my house.

-I need $100 thousand or I'm'a lose both my houses.

-Nah. I lost all of it.

-Griz.

-Hall or Billingham?

-No.

-I like that. Put my name on something. But what would I sell.

-I forgot about that WorldCom mess, why you gotta be so obsessed with telecommunications?

-I need to come up with a big idea for a product to put my name on. Something that no one has thought of. Something crazy.

-Oh, you mean Jesus?

-Eureko!

-Donaghy, stop what you're doing, 'cuz I'm about to blow your mind. Hit it! Tired of your sandwich maker making you angry? Then behold the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine. Stick any 3 meats, whatever you want, bologna, salami, bore, whatever, into this sexy lady and she will melt them all together into one delicious food ball. Never again will you have to suffer through the bread part of your sandwich. I give you the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine. MEAT IS THE NEW BREAD! Aha. What do you think?

-So GE will produce the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine?

-Jack Donaghy, you are the best. You know what? I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?

-No, I'm good.

-Audience, let me ask you a question. How many times has this happened to you?

-Or this?

- Seem familiar?

-Bread is one of the worst things in the world, but we've always needed it, until now. By burning 3 different types of meat together, the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine takes bread out of the equation. Now your sandwiches are all of the good stuff. That's delicious.

-Dr. Spaceman, is it true bread eats away at your brain?

-Well, folks, bread will never maybe attack your brain again because with the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine, say it with me now, meat is the new bread!

-I want these everywhere, I want every person here eating from a Tracy Jordan Meat Machine.

-What happened?

-That one must be defective.

-They all must be like that. Where's Donaghy?

-Only Kenneth.

-What are we gonna do? We can't sell this.

-What?

-Not the Ukraine, I own some property on the Dnieper River.
-Closer to Cherkassy.

-Can't do it, Donaghy, I can't put my name on a product that's gonna hurt people.

-What's this?

-Goldberg or Billingham?

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Episode 11
-Dude, this party was messed up! They had girls dancing in cages. And not the go-go cages. The little dog cages that you crate pitbulls in.

-How dare you, Liz Lemon. I'm not arriving to work, I left the party on a bacon run.

-Woah. What's today's date?

-2007?

-Ahhh, damn it. I knew this was gonna happen. Twofer, pass me some paper.

-My autobiography is due tomorrow.

-Yo, me, Twofer, and Frank are gonna be writing my book all day long and I think my snake is sick so I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly until he poops.

-1979, I was looking for some money in my mother's room and I found some naked pictures under her mattress. She was just sitting there in her house coat holding one of her boobs like this.

-I knew she had must have taken those pictures for her boyfriend Sonny cause Sonny used to come over twice a month and you knew when Sonny was coming over because she used to take us to the store and buy 2 steaks and a bottle of Nair with cocoa butter. How many pages do we have now?

-Make the letters bigger, Toof.

-I have no memory of that, write it up.

-1998. Well, I spent most of the summer in the studio doing my Christmas album, which was huge!

-Imagine Christmas wishes shooting out of your eyes. A candy cake full of snow dreams, a stocking full of smi-hi-hiles. It's a Jordan Christmas.

-Mmhmm.

-Woke up in the camper at the auto show. And that's how 2006 ended. 2007…

-It was early January 2007 that I got the idea to write my autobiography, so I took a meeting at Random House and this dude looked me straight in the eyes and said, 'No, Mr. Jordan, no thank you. We do NOT want your book.' Oops. My bad. That's on me, shut it down.


Episode 12
-What's up, Pete?

-Click, ehhhhhhhhh.

-Pete, Pete, Pete, where's your spinal cord, son?

-Yeah, it seems like you got yourself a Delilah.

-Pete, there are two type of women in the world. One who gives you strength and one who takes strength from you like Delilah took strength from Samson in that movie. My wife gives me strength, make me feel like a man. That's why she's so special.

-That ain't my wife. Go get me a fizzy water.

-It's like this, Pete. I love my wife. I love her. We're a team. That's why eight times a week, I go to the strip club. It brings me energy which I bring back to her.

-Nah. She likes it. Makes me feel strong, like a Samson. Samson!

-Pete Hornberger! Tonight is the night we celebrate our bodies and our minds. Hit it!

-You enjoying yourself, Pete?

-Hey, Supersize, take of that dude. That there is my friend. Saved my life when we was in Desert Storm. Our tank broke down, he killed 14 Germans so we could get the hell outta there.

-Mind your business, son! He's embracing his power.

-You gonna make a mistake tonight!

-Lick her face!

-No, I'm just looking for the lobby, but yes you should do it.

-Be a Samson!

-She's so smooth.

-Hey, that's beautiful, I feel you, Hornberger. Whose that's tickling my feet. Ahhaha. I''m'a kick you in the face, I know that.

-Hey, Pete. Real inspiring what you did back there. Be strong now. When your wife get home, you gonna mess it up?

-Let's go.

-You going down, Pete?

Episode 13
-Hell's yes, Liz Lemon, and I have plans. Me and Angie rented the penthouse at the SoHo Grand where we will drink wine and pleasure each other.

-When you been married 17 years, you have to keep it spicy. That's why me and my wife roleplay. She put on a Girl Scout office and a box of cookies and I answer the door in my boxers. Or I rent out a wheelchair and she pretends to be my caseworker.

-Yeahhhhh.

-Ah, Jackie D. Any other time, but I made plans with my wife tonight.

-Alright. Just one. I gotta be downtown dressed as a ninja by 10.

-Yeahhhh. Sounds good. I just gotta call my wife and tell her I'm gonna be late. Hey, Angie, listen I'm gonna be- -right. I have to go.

-Well, you live it up, JD. You know where to find me if you need me.

-Can I help you?

-Oh no, our room is fine. I mean we don't smell it.

-Well, could you hurry up 'cuz my wife and I are planning a really special night tonight.

-But is it dangerous?

-Oh no, I'm married.

-Who? What?

-Oh, roleplay! Give it to me, baby. Oh, yeah!

-Just be cool. Be cool. Hang tight. Who is it?

-Baby, I'm sorry. But he's going through some stuff.

-Bu-

-Bu-

-OK, Bab-

Episode 14
-Yo, is this about that little redheaded intern? 'Cuz she asked me to take it out.

-I'm not familiar with about half the words in that sentence.

-Is that the gay guy from Project Runway?

-The dude from my checks?

-Alright sure, but thanks for inviting me.

-I'll see you in CT, Jackie D.

-You need to hook me up with one of them helicopters.

-Nah, I don't want to get in it, I want to blow it up and run away from it in slow motion.

-Damn straight. I'm delightful!

-You know the Army be messing with the sun. That's why I keep my junk covered. Once that stuff gets in your head, you're done.

-What's going on?

-Hey, I feel you. Messed-up sugar runs in my family, too.

-I don't have a daughter.

-Ahahah. That's humorous. Hey, how come you don't hire more black people around here?

-How come there's no black people here? Black people can't make light bulbs?

-How come it's just me and Carlton over here?

-So what does this golf thing kick off tomorrow?

-What? I can't help it if he got mad. You know me! I'm'a say what's on my mind, Jack.

-I'm supposed to be a funny black man who says funny things.

-OK. Um, bartender, could you bring me a mustang melon and a bag of BBQ potato chips, 'cuz apparently I'm only here to be a stereotype.

-No, I'm not embarrassing myself, I'm embarrassing you. Guess what, Jack, I'm just getting started.

-Son, I wasn't joking about those chips.

-I sure hope Mr. Jack plays his game good today, otherwise he whups my ass right well when we gets home. Ain't that right, Mr. Jack?

-I studied fried chicken at the school of hard knocks. Ain't that right, Mr. Jack?

-I'm ridiculous. I'm black. I may even be ugly, but dang God, I'm here, I'm here and nothingbutup can keep me from it.

-Would you like me to do a tapdance for you and your big time friends, Mr. Jack? Or I could run around while ya'll throw rocks at me.

-Payback. Way you treated me. You used me!

-If you can't handle Tracy Jordan, don't invite Tracy Jordan. This is what I do, I drop truth bombs, I don't care about Don Geiss, I'm a movie star!

-Told him he could suck it.

-Told her she could kiss my delicious ass.

-Excuse me. I know I wasn't asked to say anything, but I would like to share my experience with you. When my daughter Shaheeta was born she had chubby arms and legs and a big bald head. I mean, she looked like my uncle Rupert in a diaper. By the time she was 5, she was 87 pounds. I mean she could eat! But then when she was around 8 years old, I remember, it was Easter, we stayed up all night the night before watching Bible movies and eating fiddle faddle. Then I remember the next day, it was Easter Sunday. She threw up right in the middle of the Jaguar dealership. She mad sick and I carried all the way to St. Luke's Roosevelt. And the doctor said she had diabetes. I get very upset because I think I was the cause of that due to my ignorance of nutrition. And I promise Sha that night that I was gonna dedicate my efforts to raise awareness and finding a cure. And I just hope that all of you will join me. Thank you.

-That's a deal.

-Yeah, I don’t have a daughter.

Episode 15
-Yo. Remember that email that we got from those Nigerians that needed our help getting all that money out of Africa?

-We did it! I got that check today.

-Word is bond.


-I would have been happy if our only reward was just helping that dethroned prince of Nigeria, but this is great. We should treat ourselves.

-Nahhh. I don't even use the ones I have.

-That's a good idea. Yo, what's Young Larry doing these days?

-What about Cheese?

-Fatballs?

-Well, go ahead Fatballs! That's a good program.

-Like it? I love it.

-I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind a middle school, and get it pregnant.

-K, you like doing stuff for me, right? How would you like to be in my entourage?

-Well, let's see. Dotcom does the driving and the cooking. Griz is in charge of sitting on me when I get over-stimulated. Well, I have been looking for someone to harmonize with me.

-The sun will come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that, tomorrow. There'll be sun.

-Just thinking about, tomorrow.

-What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man. Yeahhhh!

-So, entourage, what's on the agenda for today

-I love Halo so much, I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

-I don't think so, K. 'Cuz I like to keep my material fresh. You know, I like to keep it so things fresh so much that I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

-Woah, who just killed me? That's never happened before.

-That's impossible I've beat all the world's best players. Griz. Dotcom. My publicist. My stylist.

-You're cheating, and I don't want to play no more. I hate this. Griz, I think it's best you come sit on me.

-Hey, I got next game. Hold up. How are you beating Kenneth, Griz? If Kenneth can beat me, and you can beat Kenneth, then by transitive property, you should beat me, too. Have you been letting me win?

-Things? Plural?

-The Easter Bunny.

-Yeah, what, cat? Yeah, Dotcom. Yeah, Griz.

-Have you two been treating me like this, all this time? Like a child? No, no, no, I won't stand for this. Entourage, disbanded!

-Ahhh. Damn it. Close, right? I feel like I'm above the rim. Can't palm the ball.

-They disrespected me!

-You're the only one I can trust, K. You're my whole entourage now.

-Yes, you can. Because you were honest with me. I don't need a couple of yes men. I need the truth.

-OK! That's enough.

-What did you tell him?

-You did what? Damn it, K. Now I have to hear from Tenisha's momma how they both met at the Twins. You have to handle this stuff better.

-But, Griz would hav- Damn it, turn on the TV for me.

-Television on! Pornography!

-Entourage!

-You gotta get me outta here.

-Get off of me!

-Help! Help!

-And I will always love you. And I will always love you.

-Yeah, of course I did. I love you guys. I love you so much I'm gonna take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant. I love you, Dotcom. I love you, Griz.

Episode 16
-Good show, Liz Lemon. Are you coming to the after after party?

-Yo, Lemon, you coming to the after after after party?

-Let's blow this joint, it's about to turn back into a taxi dispatch center. You going to the after after after after party? Yo, let's rock!

-Don't go, Liz Lemon. There's still the after after after after after party. I just gotta take my kids to soccer first.

-Yeah, yeah. He bit Shug Knight! Held Raven Simone over a balcony. Made Rasheed Wallace cry! Dude is crazy! I don't want him calling me.

-What?

-Excuse me, won't you?

-Tracy who? You looking at a ghost, JD. Dead Man Walking, The Green Mile, Christmas with the Klumps.

-Look, I am old school. Growing up, when you were mad at somebody, you just breakdance at'em. I'm talking about break hard, put it back pop pump pump, end it, gladiate, bring it back down.

-Worm it out. And then pop, blarm. Now brothers just shoot you.

-Look, Rediculos is the biggest hip hop producer in New York City and he was disrespected at my party.

-If you get rich off of this stuff, just take care of my family. I don't want my kids to have to go to college.

-Tom Cruise, 'cuz that's how Oprah says it. 'Tooommm'

-For real, Jack? The Source Awards? No, no, no.

-Death sentence number 2. Shooting people at the Source Awards is a tradition. It's like Christmas, or shooting people outside of Hot 97.

-It's not about Rediculos, who else is gonna be at this thing?

-Nope. He hates me, we used to date the same girl.

-Forget about it, I called his pitbull a gaywad on 106 and Park.

-Nope.

-Ain't nothing happening.

-No can do.

-Won't do.

-No.

-What?

-Mmm mmm.

-Hell, no! Me and his beef go way back. We were both cast members on a Nickolodeon show called Ray Ray's Mystery Garage.

-Brush your teeth, brush your teeth. When it's time for bed you gotta brush your teeth.

-I'm sorry, man, I'm pretty drunk.

-If I don't go, Rediculos is gonna kill me. If I do go, someone else is gonna kill me. See? It's a catch 22. Ahhh. He's gonna be there, too! God.

-You don't realize how beautiful a sunset is until it's the last one you'll ever see.

-Ken. I'll be gone soon, but I just wanted you to know that I've loved being your mentor and it's been an honor having you bee my manatee.

-Nothing, Ken. I'm just going through the classic stages of grief. Fear. Denial. Horniness. Wisdom. Sleepiness. And now depression.

-No, I want to do anger, you can't make me!

-Wow. The manatee has become the Mento. Wow.

-No. I think you like to dress black men as Oprah as part of your effort to protect our dignity.

-No, I don't.

-I haven't given up on life yet. I have got a plan.

-I'm gonna find a homeless man. Dress him up like me, set him on fire. Then I'm gonna start a brand new life in Arizona under the new name Ron Mexico.

-Well, I think speak for the both of us when I say cuz they're metal penises.

-What would I do, Tracy? What would I doooo-oooo.

-The choice to be excellent begins with your choice to silence your inner critic. Embrace your spirit!

-You're all wonders. You're all my miracles. You're all my children of the corn.

-Good for you! Good for you!

-Welcome to the 2007 Source Awards. A chance to come together as a community to not only look into our hearts, but to look under our seats because everyone is getting Vermont maple scoooo-ooooones.

-Girlfriend, Oprah was right. People just want to be together and get free stuff! I didn't really have to bring this!

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)
Episode 17
-Hey Liz Lemon, you know where I could find a good church?

-My attorney told me I should join a church preemptively, 'cuz juries are suspicious of celebrities who find religion after getting into trouble.

-Mmm, they already turned me down. I'm still not sure what happened.

-I believe the moon doesn't exist. I believe vampires are the world's greatest golfers, but their curse is that they'll never get to prove it. I believe there are 31 letters in a white alphabet. Wha-What was the question again?

-So what's your religion, Liz Lemon?

-I really appreciate you bringing me to your church, Ken.

-What kind of Presbyterian is this?

-And ya'll always meet on Wednesday nights?

-What? He pointed right at me!

-Nooooooo.

-So where do you worship?

-Hey Jack's brother, what religion are you? This one sounds really expensive and gay.

-I'm Irish Catholic.

-Hey, did you hear the good news, JD? I'm Irish Catholic now. Like you, Regis, and the Pope.

-See I can screw up now and then just go to confession. No longer do I have throw my parties in international waters.

-I don't think I want that. I'm out. I don't want nothing crushing me.

Episode 18
-I'm incognito. Some dude is trying to slap me with a subpoena for a paternity suit and the kid ain't mine.

-Cuz I remember the girl, and it's impossible. I never got out of my car, and she never got all the way out of her tollbooth.

-Doctor Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will it tell me what diseases I might get, or help me to remember my ATM pin code?

-I already know the results. The kid is not mine.

-What's the verdict, doc?

-Jasper Buckleman?

-Yeah, that's a white dude.

-That's ridiculous, I can't be white. My whole persona is based on an in depth analysis of the differences between black and white.

-This is how black people dial the phone. Boopededoopeboopedoop. This is how white people dial the phone. Boop boop boop. Boop boop boop boop.

-I gotta call my wife. Boop boop boop boop. Ahhhhh. Ahh. Ahhhhh.

-I can't do this sketch.

-Because you can't have a white dude playing a criminal. That's a negative portrayal of my people!

-I don't know who I am anymore. There's been a black man inside of me for a long time. Now there's a white guy up in here, too. It's like an audience for a Bobby Mcfarin concert up in here.

-Of course you would say that. You wish you were white.

-See. Now you know what I'm going through.

-I think I am.

-No! I hate you, Thomas Jefferson! I don't know who I am anymore! You can't be my father!

-Yo, Toof. How you doing?

-Well, listen. Dream Jefferson told me some amazing stuff. He said, it's not about who you were, it's about who you are right now.

-Let me shoot something at you. I came up with a movie idea for all of this and I want you to write it.

-It's the story about Thomas Jefferson. Only thing, we're gonna do it like Norbit where I play all the parts.

-Hahah. It's not a comedy, it's a drama.

Episode 19
-Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Don Geiss, would you like some grenadine or fried rice?

-Sir, I have a movie project that is going to blow your mind. I call it, 'Jefferson'.

-No, Thomas Jefferson. I just recently found out that he went to town on one of my ancestors, so we're related.

-And Sally Hemmings and King George! I'm gonna play all the parts. Did you know he had a lisp? 'What's up sthupid jerks, I'm Tshomas Jeffersonst. So we're gonna need about $35 million to do this thing right.

-I pitched my Jefferson movie to Don Geiss, he said no. He said people only see movies because of the previews. And he couldn't visualize my Jefferson preview. He wants me to do Fat Bitch II instead.

-It's not the kind of stuff I want to do anymore, Ken. I want to be taken seriously. What should I do?

-You're right, K, I should make my own Jefferson preview and show it to Don Geiss.

-Hey, Liz Lemon, where you going? Listen, I'm gonna need to make a fake trailer for my Jefferson film. I'm gonna need the entire resources of the show for no more than 3 weeks. You in?

-Liz Lemon, you are my Alexander Hamilton.

-Writers, listen, I need your help.

-Oh, hey, Liz Lemon. Could you go away for a while? I gotta get rid of Freddie's erection.

-Freddy's playing the part of Thomas Jefferson's horse Coracticus. We needed a place to keep him until we shoot his stunts.

-Jack said I could. This movie is my destiny. It's the reason why God put me on this earth.

-Pray, who be this Tracy Jordan thou speakest off?

-Speakest.

-Well, stand guard by his rump and await it in his droppings.

-Aha. I like you, young man. You shall run my university.

-Mr. Geiss, I know we disagreed on my next movie project, but I hope this will change your mind. I give you this.

-Ahhh. Hoe that dirt. Put your back into it.

-Ah. Bring me my horse. Bring me Coracticus. You come along.

-Who are these Americans with their ridiculous ideas of freedom and equality?

-Eat that, King George!

-I shall call it, Susan.

-I'm with child.

-What?

-Will you free me and make me your wife.

-Uh, I'm gonna have to get back to you on that.

-Kill them. Ahh, kill them all.

-This is for you, Don Geiss, haha.

-Ahh. Get me off this horse.

-Well, Mr. Geiss, what do you think?

-He said no. Then he offered me $7 million to reprise my role as Cocoa the Dog.

-No. I turned him down.

-Look, Thomas Jefferson made his own country, I'm going to make my own movie. Finance it myself. All on my terms. Now whose with me?

-Good, good. Now first order of business. Get that dead horse out of car.

Episode 20
-They turned me down, Liz Lemon.

-The damn bank. I need a loan to finance my Thomas Jefferson movie. It's gonna be at least $30 million with all the claymation sex scenes in it.

-It's alright. The movie's just a small part of my plan.

-Tracy Jordan comeback. I'm doing a comedy tour, a Michael McDonald comedy album.

-What can I do? I'm on my grind. I'm'a have so much money, my grandkids are gonna play lacrosse. Lacrosse, Liz Lemon.

-What?

-Why would he say that? What have I ever done to embarrass black people?

-Because the Jet's lost!

-This is no coincidence.

-The bank loan. The Michael McDonald situation. Temple University. Dr. Cosby is sending a message!

-They're out to destroy me!

-The Black Crusaders.

-Harsh? I'm done. The Black Crusaders want to make an example out of me.

-The Black Crusaders are a secret group of powerful black Americans. Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey are the chief majors, but Jessie Jackson, Colin Powell, and Gordon from Sesame St, they're members, too. And they meet 4 times a year in the skull of the Statue of Liberty. You can read about that on the interweb.

-Right. Ahaha. Make fun of me all you want, Liz Lemon. Do you know they'll ruin anybody who they think are making black people look bad? They tanked 50 Cent's movie. They blew out Terrell Owens' ankle and they canceled Eddie Murphy's Oscar 'cuz he had ran out on Scary Spice. And now they're after Tracy Jordan!

-Man, I wish somebody else had seen that.

-Have you seen the cover of this month's Oprah Magazine? That is an anagram of outlaw salad tray.

-The Black Crusaders are trying to get rid of me. They want me to disappear like Coolio.

-Hello, Liz Lemon? It's me. Stacy Gordon. I can't tell you that. I'm sorry, Liz Lemon, I wanna thank you for everything you've done, but I quit.

-Starting a new life.

Episode 21
-Starting a new life.

-I think, I think you must have me confused with someone else, my name is Gordon Tremeshco.

-Kenneth should have given you the code word.

-That's it.

-Hey, thanks for taking me in, Jesse. I won't be a burden. Now make me a smoothie and let's go clubbing.

-Shhhhh.

-Was that Kenneth? What's going on in New York? Did he go to Russell Simmons' birthday party? Were there girls there with butts?

-Right.

-What's up?

-I'll tell you what you're looking at! I'm…Gordon Tremeshco.

-Kenneth, you have to come get me!

-I don't care what they do to me anymore. I'd rather die famous than live for a hundred years like this! Carrying plastic bags, sitting on benches, brushing my own teeth. This is unsuitable.

-Hey, dude, Jessie. Hey, listen, I gotta get outta here because of-

-Ahhhh.

-Ahhh.

-Thanks, Kenneth, for saving me.

-I think it's gonna be about immigration.

-Come on! Hey, do you guys know what's causing the traffic problem?

-Do you know how long it's gonna take for me to get to Midtown?

-Hey, I need you to take me.

-But I'm gonna miss the show!

-Ken, you are my boy!

-Oh my God, what a terrible mistake accident. Would you take 6th Avenue please?

-I got a lot on my plate right now, Ken.

-I'm back!

-Liz Lemon, I would like to recommend Kenneth the page for NBC medal of excellence.

-I got a lot on my plate!

-Wait, I don't know what this is.

-OK. Take this Black Crusaders, it's cowboy hey hey.

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7 thoughts on “Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 1

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  5. Jacque

    Thank you! Thank you! There was an episode where Tracy Morgan said something so hilarious it made me pee – and I could not remember the line until I stumbled upon your page!

    “Well now you’re just being patrinizzle.”

  6. Pingback: “Your Mother’s Breath Smells Like Cheese Doodles…” | Lutefisk and Okra

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