Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 2

Last week was Season 1 and a couple months ago was Season 3. And now, I give you, Everything Tracy Jordan Said in season 2 of 30 Rock.

These are submitted without context, which some people seem to like and others, not so much. There's a big internet out there, though, so if you don't like it, I'm sure there's something else for you.

Episode 1
-Yo, Ken, I'm'a use this whole the kitchen area as my bathroom, spread the word.
Wearwolf Bar Mitzvah
-She froze my credit cards, Liz Lemon, and she got custody of Griz. Can I keep my cockatiel in your office?

-Pop. What? I'm not apologizing, 'cuz for once in my life I haven't done anything wrong. How many years have you known me, Liz Lemon?

-So you know I like to minister to transvestite prostitutes.

-So Labor Day weekend I see this young she-dude at the dumpster by the 40/40. I pull over and I say you don't have to live your life like this. You can be a freaky-deaky and do data entry. What about court reporting? Believe in yourself.

-So as I reach in the trash and pull this dude out, a paparazzo jumps out and takes a picture of me.

-Whose gonna do my banking? Whose gonna write my blogs? Whose gonna do the cooking on Taco Wednesdays?

-So he's like my office wife?

-Kenneth Parcell, would you take this ring…and sell it in the Jewish part of midtown and use the money to get us a Nintendo Wii?

-I couldn't sleep at all last night. Angie kept my Sharper Image white noise aroma therapy machine. She knows I can't sleep without the sound of ocean and the smell of bacon.

-I'm not doing any of that.

-Great compromise, office wife.

-Liz Lemon, I need you to go my and pretend you're doing a survey for the Radford Group and then ask my wife if she's sleeping with DL Hugley.

-JS!

-What's up? Liz Lemon, me and this dude used to do stand up together. Remember the night we had the threeway with Elaine Boosler, haha?

-Oh yeah, you know what? I think that was a mirror.

-JS, this is my Kenneth.

-Mad at you, Ken, I seen the way you was looking at Seinfeld. You used to look at me like that. What, am I not a big enough star for you anymore?

-Oh no! Did a Korean person die?

-Don't do it, Liz Lemon. I know what me and Kenneth have looks perfect on the outside, but it's work, damn it. It's work.

Episode 2
-Yo, Ken. Angie and Griz is coming by to drop some of my stuff off.

-Yeah, but I want her to know that I'm having a good time on my own, so you should go get us some party hats. The pointy kind.

-No, cuz things have been said that cannot be taken back. She called my vanity license plate inscrutable! ICU81MI. Hilarious! Angie is in the past like Dracula and broadcast television.

-What, who?! That guy Mike that redid our driveway?... Nah, whatever. She should find someone new. Doesn't bother me!

-Oh.. Check this out. My key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Mm. Look at this, my gold record from that novelty party song. 'Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.'

-Yeah, I miss you, Griz.

-Hey, Ken!

-I only got 11-12 hour sleep last night. I got something on my mind grapes I need to talk to you about.

-I saw you hitting on Angie the other day. Seeing you with her. It opened my eyes.

-Yeah. All those years fooling around wasn't fair to her. So you gotta make it fair! I want you to go to my house and make love to my wife, Ken.

-My home address is in the GPS under 'Da Crib 'cuz we live on Dacrib Avenue. Now you go to Angie…And you make sure you pleasure her.

-What have I done? Kenneth should be back by now. What's going on over at my house? Ugh. No. No. Eww. I gotta stop this.

-I'm gonna kill you, Kenneth the page.

-It was a gesture, Angie. I'm saying I'm sorry.

-But, baby.

-What do you want? I'm willing to try anything.

-Alright. If that's what it takes. If that's what it takes.


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Episode 3
-I'm whipped. Angie got me up at 7.30 today. Did you know in the morning they have food, TV, almost everything? It's pretty good.

-Hi.

-Hey, Liz Lemon. I been reading the newspaper to come up with some ideas for some topical sketches. So this week could we do Business Section?

-Yeah, everything is great.

-Yeah, word, where is my lovely wife?

-Oh, I'm going to as strip club then.

-I'm sorry, Liz, this is who I am. You can't ask a bird not to fly. You can't ask a fish not to swim. You can't ask a tiger not to turn back into a Chinese dude at midnight.

-I feel bad about doing this to you, Liz Lemon, I really do, and the only way I can better about myself is to be booby slapped by a coked out Russian stripper. I'm out.

-Hey, everybody, I'm back from doing whatever Liz Lemon said.

-Uh, my cobra, Ramsey, he had got sick so I took him to the vet. Then my thumb got caught in my butt so I nodded my head til it came out.

-It was all Liz Lemon's fault. The whole plan was hers.

-Goodbye forever, Liz Lemon, thank you for being my secretary.

-No, Liz Lemon, don't do it.

-Oh, wait a minute. Enough, damn it, enough! Do I have to fix this situation? I am the immature one, but the both of you, you're forcing me to act like an adult. An adult! And even worse, you're making me stop 2 ladies from going at it, but I don't care, 'cuz I'm putting my foot down.

-Uh huh. Baby, you got to go. You're controlling, you're manipulative, you're loud.

-Huh?

-Mmmm.

-Mm. Wait a minute, let me get this shirt off.

Episode 4
-He has a microwave for a head!

-Hey, Jack.

-If you desecrate something, is that bad?

-I doubt if anybody noticed. 'Who brought stars and bright stars, to the party last night, for the rascals we fought.' Who'd ever known there was so many words, it was like a Mos Def CD.

-I love this country.

-I think I can handle that.

-Hahaha. Hahahah.

-We gotta start doing dog fights.

-I know it's repulsive and hideous, but it's the only thing Jack Donaghy told me I cannot do, so I gotta do it! Understand?

-Dog fighting it is, make it happen.

-Well, bring them in. I feel sick to my stomach about dog fighting, but what can you do when they tell you not to? This could get ugly.

-Wha-what? No! You idiots. I built a dog fighting pit in my basement for this?

-That 227 movie? New Jack ACity.

-I don't know. I always been this way. 'You're not my dad.' 'You're not my dad.' 'You're not my dad.'

-You're not my dad. You can't tell me what it's about.

-Just some heavy thinking. And this spotlight is the only place I could go to get away from it all.

-But how do I forgive someone that I don't know? Boy, if I could just talk to him once. Just once.

- I don't need the therapy! I'm just mentally ill!

-You're not my dad! We're doing therapy.

-Who's crazier me or Ann Curry?

-Like my wife and I do? Cool. You be the maid, I want you to scream. Donaghy, you play the matador.

-Ah, this is stupid!

-You sound nothing like my dad.

-All I know is he came from Funky North Philly, he worked in the Campbell Soup factory, and he had a droopy lip due to an untended root canal.

-I'm mad at you dad.

-'Cuz you left me, dad!

-Is this true, mom?

-Be me now.

-Now do the white dude that my moms left my dad for.

-Woahhhh. No need to resort to ugly stereotypes.

-No dad! Don't die! I love you, dad! I don't wanna dog fight no more.

-Thank you for showing me there really is love in my family after all and I need to stay the hell away from them. Donaghy, you're the only family I need, Jacky D.


Episode 5
-What's up, Lemon?

-How can no one go to Ken's party? He's such a great dude.

-Noooo. I can't. I only go to A-List events.

-No, don't sweat it, 'cuz I'm gonna bail you out. I'm gonna turn Ken's jam into a major event.

-See, all a hot party needs is mystique, a buzz. See people are like lemmings. Harvey Lemmings, my lawyer, who never misses a party.

-I just have to start a little rumor. Who are the biggest gossips on TGS?

-Griz and Dotcom.

-Hey, fellas. Heard a secret about Kenneth's party. Ken went to high school in Georgia with the rapper TI. They're boys. TI might show up. But listen, we can't let anyone know. Anyone. Got it?

-I am surprised to hear that because that is new information.

-He is?

-Huh?

-Foxy Boxing? I love Foxy Boxing! It combines my two favorite things. Boxing and referees! I got to get into that party, man. Get me Harvey Lemmings!

-Just like Colonial Williamsburg.

-I couldn't. This means too much to Ken.

-It's not going to, this party's about to become a Tracy Jordan Joint!

-Here we go! Haha!


Episode 6
-I was trying, Liz Lemon, but I can't concentrate. Somebody on my block is making waffles and it's making me horny.

-Hey, KK, how's it hanging?

-Well, you know what I do when I lose something? I yell real loud until I find it. So what is it that you lost?

-Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!

-Well why don't you just do like I do and sell your autograph at the car show?

-Who was that?

-Don't lie to me, Jack. I've had plenty of women mad at me the morning after. Just don't let her light your sneakers on fire in the bathtub.

-So then what's the problem?

-Oh, I get it. Romeo and Juliet. Capulets and Romulans. Mmmhmm. I been there. I'm black, she's white, I'm black, she's light skinned black, I'm black, she's 17. Huh, hey listen. If she's your soulmate, you go for it.

-Sure, where is it?

-I know where that building is, I get my Jamaican meat pies there.

-Tell her that you want her privates and your privates to do a high five.

-Tell her your butt look like an apple and you want to take a bite.

-Tell her she got some tig old bitties like the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Tell her you want her to donate her body to science and you science, tell her, Jack.

-Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon, have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?

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Episode 7
-Hey, Liz Lemon, I'm going to an animals only strip club. Interested?

-Animal customers, that's ridiculous.

-JD!

-I want you to meet the baseball team I'm coaching. A group of fine young men and one special lady. Dijonaise is a boy's name? Pardon me.

-I wasn't. My motorcycle hit a police horse. This is community service. These kids come from Knuckle Beach, the worst neighborhood in New York. They are poor as hell.

-That's right. You shoot for the stars.

-These aren't winners. They're 0-17. Damn, we supposed to be at the game right now. 0-18. That one's on Coach Tracy.

-Come on, gather round. Circle up. Everybody circle up. Alright circle up. Circle up. Around me. Around me. Alright, listen up. That's enough. There's a weird dude standing over and I don't want to get shot today so great hustle, great practice ok the weird dude is gone, go home.

-You don't get these kids, Jack, they don't care about winning, they just want to be able to go outside for once. You know, our first practice they asked me what the sun was.

-You wanted to see me?

-Practice, meetings, what is this, a marriage?

-Jack, have you ever been to Knuckle Beach? It's a different world! A world where Orange Soda is an acceptable substitute for breast milk.

-Bush?! Now I don't want to go off on a rant here.

-You can't wear blue in Knuckle Beach, which is hard because jeans go with everything.

-Now you're gonna blame this on me? I told you this was gonna to happen.

-Kenneth!

-I don't want to talk about it, Ken, you'll hear all I have to say about Jack Donaghy in my tell-all book, 'Betrayal Colon What Really Happened With My Baseball Team, Disaster at Knuckle Beach Question Mark'

-What do you want, Jack?

-Of course they did, they're afraid to go north of 245th St. Next you'll be telling me you let Rashan have contact with his birth mother?

-Jack I told you you did not know what you were getting yourself into it.

-No way, JD.

-Just because I don't support Jack Donaghy doesn't mean I don't support the kids.

-Wow. Jack, if I come back to the team, can I throw these things away and not have to read'em.

-Alright, Jack. What's the plan?

-That's 2 words!

-Damn, I can't believe we're winning.

-Yeahhhh!

Episode 8
-OK, enough! How long are we gonna talk about the stupid award? We have more important things to worry about like where are the french fries I did not ask for. You guys need to anticpate me! OK, forget it. I can't rehearse today!

-It's not fair, Liz Lemon. Everybody wins awards, but me. Even Shaquille O'Neil got a Kids' Choice award for that animated movie we did.

-Boy, I hope we rescue the Starfish King on this adventure.

-Would you call what we did last night sex?

-I spent 2 days making that movie from my home and what did I get out of it? A million dollars, a yellow Bentley and nothing. I never win anything. Look at this coffee cup my kids got me for Father's Day. I'm a failure, Liz Lemon. Maybe I should just give up and try this crystal meth I've been hearing so much about.

-Come on, Lemon!

-Pacific Rim? I love the Pacific Rim. I spent 9 months in Japan shooting Samurai Iamarai. I fell in love with their culture, especially sharking.

-It's when you run to a lady on the streets and pull her tubetop down while your friend video tapes it. It's considered a crime here. Thanks a lot, Puritans.

-Hell, yeah! I do not want to disappoint my Japanese public, especially Godzilla. Ahaahaha. I'm just kidding, I know he doesn't care what humans do.

-Hey, Liz Lemon, when am I leaving for Japan 'cuz I have to arrange for a snake nanny.

-Noooo. I told my kids they could watch their dad get an award so it has to at least be live via satellite.

-Perfect, just when I get back from Maiden Voyage, Newark's first offshore gentleman's barge. I'm gonna get the kids and we're coming straight here.

-Liz Lemon know who keep the lights around here, but I couldn't do it without my background players that's why I want you and Josh to be there for my award. Then afterwards maybe I'll let you hold it. Then you can check out my award. Ahhahaha. Banter!

-Oh, people of the Pacific Rim, how you feel?! Alright, I like to thank my wife. My 2 sons, Tracy Jr and George Foreman. This Josh, dude. Haha. Liz Lemon. Uhh. Bald headed Pete for setting up the satellite. And of course, a very special blonde lady. Shelly Long, you're truly an inspiration to me, I know that. Haha. And finally, I'd like to thank all you Pacific Rimmers for all that you've given us. Ah karaoke, karate and most of all, watazombieataku, shark attack!

-You let Jenna take off in the middle of the day? If she gets to do that, then I'm doing this week's show as my alter-ego, Professor Cosmatothis.

-Yeah, dude, you got a fro-hawk, man what do you think you're better than us?

-Doctor Haircut.

Episode 9
-So it's my fault diners can serve alcohol in New York state? That's on me now? Now I have to wear this for 30 days. If I even have a drop of alcohol in my sweat, a signal goes to ankle bracelet headquarters in Denver and I go to jail.

-And now, this time of the year: Ludichristmas, Nude Year's Eve, Martin Luther King Day, all you do is drink.

-But.

-The holidays without drinking is rough. Turns out football is boring, my wife's sister ain't as cute as I though she was and I can not play the guitar.

-But tonight is Ludichristmas.

-K, thanks for trying to help, but I'm gonna go home, do some thinking and tell my wife's sister to disregard all my emails.

-Yeah, I mean, what are you guys doing? Going to Ludichristmas?

-No, no, I can't go, because of the ankle bracelet. Or maybe I could go and just not drink. Hey, maybe I'll compromise. I'll go to the party, cut off my foot and drink all I want.

-Ludichristmas! Ludichristmas! Ludichristmas! Ludichristmas! Ludichristmas!

-Listen, we done learned our lesson about the big tree or whatever, this has got to stop now.

-That's right.

-Is this a culture where toplessness is common?

-We should go downstairs and chop down the big tree!

-Yes it is. We are sending a message to all of those who have forgotten the scruples of Christmas. 'Cux in order to stay sane, you have to go crazy. I had a couple of drinks before the meeting. Hold that, Kenneth? This is a flask! So ya'll probably shouldn't be listening to me. Hahahaha.

Episode 10
-OK, everybody listen up. This cappuccino machine is my way of saying sorry for what happened the other day.

-Hahaha. My father?

-OK, that may have been a dream. Anyway, enjoy!

-But you could have coffee any time you want.

-Ken, this is New York, the big easy, live a little! Boundaries are made to be tested, that's why my wife and I stopped using a 'safe word'.

-Regrets are for horseshoes and handbags.

-Hey, slow down there, Ken. Coffee is not like alcohol, it's pretty addictive.

-I'm getting rid of the machine, Ken, for your own good.

-Get a grip. Look at yourself.

-You rode the brown serpent, but the important thing is you survived, Ken.

-So you had a little bender?

-What? No, you can't leave, Ken. Whose gonna help me tell white people apart?

-New York, mmmm, proved too much for the man. He couldn't make it. So he's leaving the life he's come to know. He's leaving. On that midnight to Georgia. Woo woo.

-Yes, he's leaving. Leaving on that midnight train.

-On that midnight.

-He missed it?

-He missed that midnight train.

-Woo woo.

-Misinformed about the time, didn't even get to stand in line.

-He missed that midnight train to Georgia.

-Nothing, Gladys Knight. Sorry. Sorry everyone.

Episode 11
-Someone put too many farts in this engine. It's about to explode!

-It's farting, it's farting!

-Liz Lemon, I'm'a miss the show this week. Jack is sending me to do standup in Dubai! I'm'a do jokes on airplane food. It's all new to them.

-Well, don't blame me, blame Jack, he's the one I'm splitting the $3 million with.

-Liz Lemon, I can't believe what you said in the paper.

-Yeah, that cartoon said exactly what you said the other day.

-If you decide to sue them, I know a good lawyer. Took me to the cleaners last year.

-Order. Order I say. We must not be rash. We must divorce ourselves from our prejudices and appeal to our higher reasoning. This is the speaking banana. Everyone will get a chance to speak and only then will we make our decision. Josh, my friend, you are first.

-That dude did it.

-Look at his light eyes. They freaky like a wolf.

-I love it up here, it's hot, it's loud, it's like Miami.

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Episode 12
-What? Helllll no. Black people supporting Republicans? Does hot support cold? Does rain support the earf?

-Mmmnn.

-If I paid taxes, I sure would.

-Go on.

-I love states' rights!

-Lincoln was a Republican?

-Damn, the Republican party sounds pretty attuned to my unique way of life. But I'd be turning my back on my people to support it. You've put me in a quandary, Jack Donaghy. A quandary.

-What is this place?

-Richard Nixon? Wow, I can't believe I'm dead. There was still so much left on my bucket list. So many different kinds of buckets I wanted to own. Buckets.

-And Watergate.

-Wow, you were a Republican?

-Wow.

-I got a mission!

-I'm in! Jacky D, Nixon's ghost convinced my ghost to help the GOP.

-Sounds good, but I can't talk now, I gotta get my wallet out of the toaster.

-My fellow Blackmericans! Hey Jack, can I just say black Americans? There's no such thing as Blackmericans.

-My fellow black Americans, Dr King once had a dream, a dream that we all share, to build a 200 foot high wall to keep Mexico out. And he also hated the estate tax.

-Jack, I don’t know about this.

-I get it, the Republican party means less taxes, more guns, and the end of the gun tax.

-But everybody isn't forward thinking like I am. And no matter what, Blackmericans is gonna always vote Democrat.

-Mmmhmm.

-Black people! Don't vote. Just don't do it. In the amount of time it takes for you to vote, you could play 3 games of pool. 3! Now that's fresh. I'm Tracy Jordan and I improved this message.

-Yes it does. Now if you'll excuse me, Nixon asked me to take some stuff out of his Wikipedia page.

Episode 13
-Pay attention to me. I'm inconsolable.

-Tracy Junior left his music stick at home.

-So I drove to the school to give it to him and guess what I discovered?

-Excuse me, I…

-If I'm such a bad dad, why are we all dancing?

-My own son is ashamed of his father.

-They think I'm a joke because I clown around for a living. I got to do something important so that my children will respect me like be a senator or a wizard.

-Everybody calm down! Gotta think of an idea. Something that will change the world. Eureka!

-We should call Eureka, she always has good ideas.

-The after you carbonate it, you drink it!

-Damn it, why is leaving your children a legacy that'll live forever so hard? It's been almost half an hour.

-Yeah, I need to clear my thoughtcicles. Which of my two favorite pastimes shall I indulge in? Video games or pornography? That's it! Make a porn video game.

-Tell it to me in Star Wars.

-They're nice.

-He acts like he doesn’t care, but he does.

-I'm scared. Get me outta there.

-That's where you're wrong. I was born to design a video game where characters get weird with each other for golden points.

-My genius will not be denied. I'm like Mozart. You're like that guy who was always jealous of Mozart.

-No thank you. I already ate.

-You will not deter me, the world, is gonna remember the name Tracy Jordan.

-No, for the first time in my life I know my purpose. I'm doing this, for my children. My genius is come alive. Like toys when your back is turned. I see the potential for erotica in everything around me. This cup. This table. Even you, Kenneth.

-I'm inventing a porn video game!

-Duet becomes a trio. Trio becomes a quartet. And on and on. Do you have it?

Episode 14
-Hey, look. Lutz is still eating.

-Give me it.

-Look, Liz Lemon's sandwich is still on her desk.

-But as far as Liz Lemon knows, her sandwich never came.

-Lutz made us do it!

-You think I'm a patsie I'm'a..

-Please ask my permission before you quote me, Kenneth.

-We'll get Liz Lemon her sandwich. I'm an international superstar. The teamsters will be honored that I'm even talking to them.

-[Singing and tap dancing] That old soft shoe is coming around the bend.

-And I can't drink! I still got my Hollywood sock on.

-Hahahaha.

-Batteries dead. I've got a half hour until they track me down.

-[Singing] I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow, oh Danny boy…

Episode 15
-Liz Lemon, do these look like wizard nipples to you?

-Exactly! It's all wrong. These roles are so clear in my head.

-The working title is Gorgasm Colon The Legend of Dongslayer.

-Yeah, you fixulate this.

-Liz Lemon, do you know what it's like to the only one who cares about your job when everybody else around is goofing off like a bunch of goofoffs.

-Uh oh. Emotions. Are you having your woman times?

-Stop. Stop. It's not working. It's not… Not you, Griz, you're doing great.

-But, Jenna, you're not doing good acting. Don't over think it. I don't need another Judy Dench situation. Let's just skip ahead to the list of player sensuality options. These avatars need to be able to do anything to each other.

-Now give me a little robot.

-Now like it's a secret.

-Sexy.

-Yes.

-Good.

-Now that we are in a zone, I want you to give me some random sex sounds.

-Wonderful, wonderful. Let's take it from the top. This time let's record.

-Yo, Frank.

-Yes. It is just a prototype, but I want you to be the first. To play it. Tell me what you think.

-You earned it.

-Frank, you been in you're office for 3 months!

-Yes! I'm gonna be a billionaire.

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