Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 5



Here for your reading pleasure and nitpicky criticism is Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 5 of 30 Rock. As always, this is actually EVERYTHING he said, and is not intended to be a best of. This was a pretty analog exercise 2 years ago when I did it the first time, and it feels more so now. Theoretically, this should be a 20 minute supercut of all his lines for the season. There is, however, something interesting about seeing all of the lines in one place. You can also check out: Other seasons of Tracy Jordan, Everything Hurley Said, Everything Sawyer Said, Everything Locke Said, and Everything Don Draper Said.

Episode 1
-Yo. I'm calling to say that I'm giving you 110% this year. I'm relaxed. I'm focused. And I'm gonna be churning out the good stuff like you've never seen.
-Oh. I misdialed. I thought I was calling my nutritionist. Goodbye.
-Hey, KKKK. First day back is gonna be a busy one. First, I need you to go to the drycleaners for me and find out how Martinizing works. I've always been curious. Then, I need you to be back by noon to make the bathroom smell like sandalwood before I wreck it. You got that K-Pack of Gum.
-Of course. I knew that.
-Kenneth, I knew you'd come back. Let me smell your head.
-I'm sorry, but my heart is playing tricks on my eyes, just like my kidneys did to my lungs that time.
-I keep hallucinating Kenneth. Am I going crazy again? Should I get my rainbow wig out of storage?
-Like the World Cup. I'll try. No. This place is too full of memories. I've got to clear my head!
-No! You do not exist. I am in control of this.
-You're not real. If I threw you in front of a car, it would drive right through you.
-Of course it would. It would know everything I knew because it sprung from my imagination.
-Oh, no. I missed it! Do it again.
-I love you, Kenwood. Why don't you come back home to TGS. Pick the peas out of my fried rice. And the rice. I just want carrots.
-Don't you miss rubbing my foot back into the shape of a foot?
-I guess this is goodbye. Obviously, I'm gonna need the tote bag.
-Sure is, wanna go kiss in the prop cage?

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Episode 2
-I'm werewolfing myself.
-You know when a dude knows he's gonna turn into a werewolf and locks himself in a jail? Well, I'm embarrassed to say I've missed the birth of both of my sons…for very legitimate reasons.
-So I promised Angie I will not miss the birth of our daughter.
-And my mood ring! And I don't know how I feel about that.
-And good for you, Liz Lemon. There's something about you lately. Make me want to put my feet in your mouth.
-I can't leave my dressing room until Angie goes in to labor, but the president is saying we have to go outside.
-If I was a real werewolf, I'd wear baggy clothes so my nice clothes wouldn't get all torn up. Same rules for if I were the Hulk. I don't get why people like brunch. What's the benefit of combining breakdancing and lunch?
-You're not Griz! Ahh!
-I just gotta get to the hospital on Right There. Taxi! Sir, I don't have any money, but I need to get to Mount Sinai Hospital.
-Wow, it's like I always say, 'White cab drivers are weird.'.
-Explain the rules.
-So to be there for the birth of my daughter I have to answer trivia questions despite having gone to middle school in an Exxon station?
-Bring it.
-Come on, I don't know that.
-OK, I remember going to the Statue of Liberty Centennial cuz that year someone had spread a rumor that she was going to slip out of her toga and I wanted to see some green boobies. And that year the Mets had just won the World Series cuz that night I was randomly attacked by a Mets fan that I had thrown a pile doo at. That was 1986. And centennial is a hundred years because centipeding means having sex with a hundred women. I got it. 1886.
-She is an orca, Benjamin. FYI, they're very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.
-I'm coming, Angie!
-The Lazy Susan was invented by Thomas Jefferson. I know because I'm a descendent of Thomas Jefferson and Lazy Susan herself. The capital of the United Arab Emirates is Abu Dhabi. I know that because if I go back there, I'll be executed. There are twelve tons in the chromatic scale. [Singing] I know that because I'm a musical genius.
-Tracy Jordan. Hero. Husband. Diabetic slash alcoholic. Yes!
-Am I pulling it right?
-OK.
-It's still not opening.
-I'm trying to pull, you keep saying push.
-What you want me to do? You're yelling at me.
-I'm freaking out!
-Because I love you, baby, and I'll always be by your side no matter what Discovery Channel game show stands in my way. I wouldn't have missed whatever just happened here for anything. I don't know what I'd do without you. And I mean it.
-Why is that baby covered with goop?
-You ready for this, Jacky D?
-Explain.
-Jacky D, you want to make God laugh? Make a plan, or read him a Dave Barry book. You worried about being old, Jack? You could live forever, but you still can't predict what happens in life. Wait a minute, there's no baby in here.
-Oh, she's in the crib. Good.
-I hate to say I told you so, so, 'Welcome to Miami'.

Episode 3
-That's Tracy Jordan spelled backwards.
-Don't worry about it, Jacky D, I'm on it. Call Griz. I need someone around me who's not just a yes man.
-So, what do we want to see on TV? I personally love cop shows. I can't wait for Law and Order to start back up.
-Why? It was a tent pole. A tent pole!
-I'd like to see that incorporated in to your re-write. OK, meeting over.
-The only thing that worked in the read through was the dog.
-Good, and there's a lot of buzz. Can you hear it, too? Or is my tinnitus acting up. Hey, that food is for DotCom Productions only. TGS's food is backstage.
-Yo, Jacky D. I had dinner with Don Imus last night. He told the following joke…
-And thank you, Representative. What you're doing is very important. I can assure you that NBC is committed to making diversity, a priority. Then just walk away, and don't try to kiss her, Tracy. And don't say that last part.
-I'll kill you, white devil.
-I'm cutting that fat cracker's head off.
-Yes! Great fix, Griz.

Episode 4 (East Coast Version)
-Of course not. His album doesn't drop until December.
-It was funnier than the porn version and the best part is when the actors started cracking up. He laughed so hard they couldn't even finish the skit.
-I would like to do that, please.
-Crack up instead of saying these stupid lines I wrote.
-You never take my creative suggestions.
-And you should have. Those dudes were awesome. And so is my crack up idea.
-I promise. I swear on my mother's grape.
-Yes, goodbye.
-Gentlemen, tonight I'm going to laugh harder than I did at DotCom's play.
-Tracy Jordan in the house.
-That's an excellent question. Uh oh. I'm doing something called breaking. Bwahahahahah. Snort, heehee, giggle giggle. The audience loves this.
-I can't be, I'm missing that part of my brain.
-Why does anyone do anything? They're rich or they have attention deficit disor-Look at Lutz's shirt. Hahaha.
-Alright, no more laughing. Kraut's honor.
-Goodbye!
-Oh, no. My Oprah wig is falling off. This is an exciting mishap. This is live.
-Now my mustache is askew. Oops. That thing fell off. And that thing, too. Uh oh. Now my shirt is accidentally falling off. America.
-Goodnight!

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Episode 5
-Ah K-Swiz. I need to cancel my gig for hosting the MTV International Video Music Awards.
-I hate to bail, but I've been asked to do a commercial for the Boys & Girls Club of America, and I just can't turn down community service. Because if I do, that judge will make me join the Coast Guard.
-I don't watch the Macy's Parade. If I want to see a 50 foot Spiderman, I'll just go into my rec room. Thank you.
-I envy you. I don't really know my parents.
-What line?
-Scripts get in the way of my process, Sean. Let's just shoot a hundred of these and see what we get.
-What's my cue? You know what? It doesn't matter, I don't know my lines.
-We're causing a huge traffic while getting paid to make dreams. We're the luckiest people on Earth. Now someone get me a Jolt Cola. It does not exist anymore.
-I'm sorry, I have an erection. I think it's the sound of the skateboard. We're going again. Everyone safely back to 1.
-Shirt on or off, Sean?
-Good note, back to 1. Hey, Jacky D. Let's take a quick five hundred so everyone can meet Jack.
-Yeah! That's the kind of stuff I should be saying. It's in my head now, let's roll.

Episode 6
-I am a Jedi!
-Thank God I didn't [Bleep] anybody, and thank God I didn't [Bleep] myself.
-This is terrible. When I'm dead, that's what I'll leave behind? That's how my grandkids will remember me as they fly around in they jetpacks?
-It doesn't matter. That's how the world sees me, as some idiot millionaire.
-I seen my NBC News obituary, Jacky D. I look like a fool in it.
-Sure, I Google myself all the time. Like when Angie's not in the mood, or I'm alone in a hotel.
-I did not know that. That explains why Liz Lemon was so cool the other day.
-Liz Lemon, you mind if I Google myself in your office?
-Can I use your computer?
-Don't forget, I never listen!
-Who's Prince Hal?
-I don't know any of my lines!
-You know something Jacky D? That thing I said earlier about Prince Hal got me thinking. I've have to change my headline.
-No, no, no, Jacky D. I don't need your help, I'm Tracy Jordan. When I go to sleep, nothing happens in the world.
-Read back what we have so far.
-Why is this so hard? All I want to do is turn in to a worldwide hero overnight.
-That cat's a hero. If I save it, I'm a double hero.
-Ken, I need your help.
-Denied!
-You ready?
-I'll be right behind you.
-Yeah, let's go. If I won an Oscar, everyone would have to respect me. My obituary would read Oscar winner instead of children's soccer heckler. It would change my headline.
-I feel like I'm forgetting something. Huhhhh. I left Tracy Junior in Atlantic City!

Episode 7
-Make that all three of us. Uh, Jenna, a word. Specifically the word talking.
-J-Train, as you may know, I was in a film called, 'Hard to Watch', and the "pundits" think I have a "chance" at an "Oscar". And I just learned about "air quotes."
-I know this is difficult for you.
-Well, if you're OK talking about it, I need your help. These reporters want to come do a story on me. They're from something called the, uh, Hollywood Foreign Press Association.
-So, what do you think I should do?
-Be bad at snapping, got it!
-I'm not an expert at morality, but isn't that wrong?
-Hahahahaha.
-On the day, Kenneth's mouth will be filled with Wasabi so he don't do so much [talking sign].
-I'd like to thank you all for coming. We've heard complaints about the sushi platter moving. We're working on it.
-Well, definitely the foreign films. Like the political ones where you think there'll be no boobies, and then BAM, boobies.
-I think the better question is, 'What isn't an actor?' A lamp. A couch. That mirror. Or a hidden pistol. An actor-
-They call New York, The Big Apple. Never seemed that way to me. I used to have dreams. I was an All City running back. And I was gonna run out of here. To college. To the suburbs. Now the only thing I use a football for is as a toilet. Funny thing to happen to a guy named Lucky.
-I can go to jail in DeSean's place, cuz he's my brother. Don't say nothing. Sometimes you gotta do the right thing. Even when the wrong thing is a whole lot easier. Now let's just have one last happy dinner together. As a family.
-I have them right where I want them. Time to do a little Golden Globe shopping.
-Sabotage, but I'm the one who does that to me.
-Wait, great like good? Or grate like the thing I dropped my asthma inhaler down the other day?
-No, Liz Lemon. It's like the thing I said in another movie I made. Compromises are for lesser souls. Die werewolf zombie.
-Too small.

Episode 8
-Hey, LL, sorry we haven't had time to get in to our costumes yet.
-They hate when one of us wins.
-Your boos are not scaring me. I know most of you aren't ghosts.
-How did you know that? You're like Rain Man. Quick, how many toothpicks are on the ground?
-You need to go to Vegas.
-Too small.
-You probably said 'Fortnight.'
-And I'm the nerd who takes off his glasses and everyone realizes he's handsome.
-Can they? Look at me. I'm Ogbert the nerd. Always have been, always will be.
-My glasses are dirty.

Episode 9
-Hey, what was that sound? It was opportunity knocking.
-You were right, Donald. It makes more sense for you to enter first.
-OK, you remember Donald. My son who's 2 years older than me.
-You wouldn't believe this, but that business failed. I blame Obama. But the good news is, Donald has a brand new venture. Sell him, son.
-So it's decided, Jack's on board as an investor.
-So. It's. Decide-
-What is Senor Mexico saying? Stop keeping me out the loop.
-Damn it, you think I don't know that? I poured more cash into Donald's restaurant than my money pit in Connecticut.
-No, I do not. Jack, I need other investors besides me.
-That's what I call my wallet. I bankroll every one of his dumb ideas, but what choice do I have? I'm his father.
-Come on, the boy is only 43 years old.
-But I can't crush his dreams.
-And I bankrolled that, too. Thank God we tested that with a monkey first.
-Hahaha.
-Unemotional, got it.
-I just love you so much.
-It is true, little man. But I need you to be a big boy on this. You're just not meant to be a business man.
-Too late, look how we're positioned.
-Cough, nerd.
-And it's going to work, son.

Episode 10
-Liz Lemon, I can not participate in this promo.
-Because it's not honest! As an actor, it is my job to tell the truth, hold a mirror to humanity, and sell Proactive. I will not spout your lies, Liz Lemon, and I will not say, "Merry Christmas, Kabletown."
-Thanks, K-L-M-N-O-P, I've been waiting for this.
-Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the life of Althea Chump. Damn, that's funky.
-Yeah, well, this sequel is never coming out. I bought the rights so this movie is never being released.
-That's the problem, Ken. It's 67 minutes of me acting like a hilarious fool. If this movie comes out before the Golden Globes, it'll ruin my new image.
-No, I don't. I'm lying. My favorite thing in the world is making people laugh, but I can't now. I had to go on Charlie Rose, Kenneth. Charlie Rose.
-I have no choice. I gotta stay serious. From now on, the only movies Tracy Jordan makes are about the Holocaust, Georgia O'Keefe, or both.
-I'm here picking up a serious outfit from wardrobe for my event later.
-Screening my very sad movie, 'Hard to Watch' at a women's shelter. It's gonna be real depressing.
-In the Darfur region, the dead may be the lucky ones. Next slide.
-What else can I do, Kenneth? People only take you seriously if you're serious.
-Ladies of the battered women's shelter, please be quiet, a man is talking. You're about to watch a film that holds a mirror up to your own terrible lives. You're gonna see poverty, drug abuse, and a bunch of babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster.
-Damn it, I can't get Kenneth out of my head.
-Well, he's right. People do need to laugh, and I'm the medicine.
-Something I should have done a long time ago.
-Shut up, DotCom.
-Ladies and children, I give you the Chumps 2, a Very Chunky Christmas.
-Damn Christmas lights blew a fuuu-----.
-Oh, Holy Night. The stars are brightly shining. It is the night of the dead savior's birth and I hope everybody, everybody have a very merry Christmas and someone need's to clean this table up, it's disgusting.
-Merry Christmas from the Chunks.

Episode 11
-Liz Lemon, I want it to be noted that I am here on time. This is a new year and a fresh start for me. Now I gotta go.
-I'm hosting the International Pornography Awards and I have to go get an insurance physical so I can fly in to the arena in a penis shaped parachute.
-What, no?!
-What, no?!
-But I can't die, Dr. Spaceman. Who will be there to raise my kids if I'm not around to pay someone to raise my kids?
-Well, we tried.
-Thanks, Jack for coming to this emergency meeting. I'm sorry I'm 4 hours late, but my alarm clock didn't go off because it died in a cock fight last night.
-Well, it's come to my attention that I'm going to die.
-And if you need to make millions of dollars but have no real skills or education, the best place to do it is in entertainment. I mean look at me, hahahah.
-I can't even find Mexico on a map. Hahahaha.
-Don't even get me started on marriage. Thank you.

Episode 12
-Hi
-I don't know. After I've won a bunch of awards for my movie, it's not going to get better.
-Good question, Liz Lemon. When you win an Oscar, it opens up an elite level of actor craziness. Throwing telephones at hotel employees, speaking to the UN about some messed up crap in Africa, and I'm definitely getting a private island.
-Every crazy A-Lister owns an island, Nicolas Cage, Celine Dion, Charles Widmore. This is a whole new world in front of me, LL. I'm like Stout Cortez.
-He's my gardner, he's easily amazed.
-Oh, I'm sorry, that was misleading. I'm not gonna rehearse. I'm gonna get a sandwich and then eat it on the toilet.
-Of course, I'm just continuing my consistent professional behavior. Let's laugh together, friend. Hahahah.
-Let's do it again from the top. I want to get it perfect because perfection is my middle name. 'Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy.'
-Of course, friend. Teamwork is the key to success.
-OK, no problem.
-No, I wasn't going to buy 2 blimps and crash them in to each other to see what sound they made.
-Never better. I'm has happy as a clam that wants to kill some woman.
-Love you more.
-[Singing] Shut your mouth, I am finished taking orders from you, and I think that you're a four-eyed douche.
-[Singing] That's too bad, but if I sing you can not do anything. To make me look bad on your TV show. And also let me say that Liz is a ho. A dirty ho.
-[Singing] Unlike me who is good, as you can tell from this rhyme.
-[Singing] Woahohohoahooooowoahoooo
-LL, please. I'm way ahead of you. And I'm not rehearsing, I'm going to shoot garden gnomes with a handgun at Tupac's house. Yeah, Tupac is alive, I bet you'd like to have that on your show.
-Oh, that explains it. Those are gloves, no wonder they're so course and wrinkly.
-Hahahah. You wore a yellow hat to that coffee shop. You know what's actually funny about all this, you think I'm the problem. Have you ever tried to work with you?
-Five years ago, I saved your show. I rode in here on a white horse that you made me leave in the lobby. All you do is stifle me when you should be thanking me.
-This honky grandma be tripping over Surf Master's midrange jet skis.
-But then I would run you over with a jet ski.
- Five years ago, I saved your show.
-You snarted in my dressing room?
-That footage can not be shown on television, I'm trying to buy an island over here.
-And I have no reason to hug her other than my love of having boobs pressed against me.
-And I wound anticipate your angling and I would get there.
-I would get there.
-Of course, friend.
-Never better.
-Love you more!
-How do I get that boob squish?
-Don't you already said it all on the show. You said it all.
-I got there.

Episode 13
-Do not mention the underwater city of Zarodicon, got it.
-That's nice. Actors deserve gifts. Without us, who would present awards to actors?
-Wow. I always wanted one of these. The box will make a perfect coffin for my teddy bear.
-You taking my nephew's virginity.
-You take it, I don't care. I want you to selfishly take the best sweatshirt in the world.
-Hello. Good sweatshirt to you. How are you sweatshirting that sweatshirt?
-I want that sweatshirt.
-Was I supposed to throw up in something of mine?
-And I can take it back. I'm the star here. And it there's only one sweatshirt, the star should have it. Look how grey it is. Let me just hold it for one second.
-Stop! Sweatshirty is a boy!
-Don't listen to her. She's not me.
-The story begins when dolphins ruled the Earth.
-Really?
-Congratulations. I am not interested in Godfather duties.
-I'm sorry we were stressing you out. We shouldn't do that. It'll turn a child into Dracula.
-Oh, man!
-Do you need some liniment rubbed on your perineum?
-Why would you pretend to help Jack? Help him for real. It takes the same amount of time.
-You will be punished, can I have my nunchucks back?
-What? Who is the black guy?

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Episode 14
-Clear.
-I'll need a whale saddle.
-Kate Capshaw's husband?
-Pop Tart.
-As am I, Liz Lemon. It'll probably involve a guitar playing chimpanzee that I bought this morning.
-Uh. Hold on. DotCom is confirming that he drowned.
-Why are you putting me in a suit? I still have to memorize my Torah passage.
-Speaking? That doesn't sound like me. That sounds like work.
-I'm not scared of you people and I don't think those cashews look like a bowl of baby fetuses. Being is an EGOT is fun. Here's to me, spending the rest of my life in rooms like this.
-Breakfast with Chuck Schumer? I don't want to watch that guy eat. 5K homeless walk? That just seems cruel. Cornell commencement address? Sorry, but Tracy Jordan doesn't do safety schools. The next level sucks.
-Yes. Just now.
-But my incompetence knows no bounds.
-I don't remember saying you could listen to that conversation, but continue.
-Al Sharpton would denounce me in a press conference on the street because Al Sharpton doesn't have an office.
-I thought going to the next level would be amazing, Ken, like guitar playing chimpanzee amazing. God bless and keep him. But now everybody expects me to do all of this stuff and I don't want to let anyone down, but I'm scared.
-Kenward, I was thinking about what you said and you're right. I'm Oscar winner Tracy Jordan, and as scary as it is, I have a responsibility to fix the world starting with the worst place ever.
-Africa. I leave today. Goodbye.
-It's amazing, this morning I taught the local school children all the words to Monster Mash.
-Don't you think that this is bigger than all that? Like how an ant is much bigger than a smaller bug.
-I have to go, this was a really good decision. Goodbye, Kenny.
-Yup. Really good decision.

Episode 15
Tracy Jordan didn't say anything.

Episode 16
Tracy Jordan didn't say anything.

Episode 17
-I know the photo shoot for Randi's dog's funeral is the wrong place to tell you this, but uh, I'm going to Africa.
-Angie, look what the banister did to me.
-Let's roleplay.
-Our boat exploded.

Episode 18
-I'm doing God's work here in Africa. Why just yesterday I kicked 2 naked people out of a garden.
-Bamonoshiki, click, click, click. Yeah, that's right. I just put you in your place in African.
-Africa's great. We got juju monsters, gumgum trees, and horseicorns, which is a unicorn with a horse's head.
-Oh sure. Ladysmith Black Mombazo, Paul Simon, Invictus.
-Crazy! They had the snowiest winter in years in New York. In Africa.
-Uh oh, night time. Gotta go to bed or I'll anger the gods. They must be crazy. Africa.

Episode 19
-Well, well, well. You found me, after I ordered Thai food and gave you my address.
-Hang on. Something not's right. Why is Jeremy acting so weird? I don't like this.
-Uh oh. Jeremy, call me when you're alone.
-Black statue.
-What are you mad about? I'm waiving the $60 thousand dollars you owe me in appearance fees.
-Really? Think about it. TGS is your whole life so where's the last place you would be if you were out trying to save your show. Home! Life lesson from an unlikely source.
-I know, I've seen you do it.
-You're having a dream. Is this your only mustard?
-And yet you still don't have the one I'm thinking of. It's red. It says 'ketchup' on it. Oh. I hear it. That's on me.
-You don't think I want to, LL.
-As a timesaver, I will refer to the two of you as Klemon. I wanted that next level, Klemon. Now remember to save time, you two are Kemon. It's a combination of-
-I had everything I dreamed of. Awards, respect, Justin Long's autograph. But I also got expectations. People thought I could change the world and it's too much pressure. Like that time I got caught in Temple Grandin's hugging machine at the Golden Globes party.
-I'm sorry I did this to you, half of Klemon. Sean Penn wanted me to go to Haiti with him, and I'm not strong enough for the pain and human misery of a three hour plane ride with Sean Penn. I'm tired of hiding. I just want my old life back.
-It's not a leash, it's a very long skin tag.
-Because I had worn it to their wedding. It was special to the three of us.
-I have to burn all my goodwill, then they won't expect anything from me.
-Tracy Jordan is off the leash.

Episode 20
-Jesus was black.
-Why don't you shut your mouth, back that ass up, and make me a sandwich?
-I lied to all you ugly, white ladies. I didn't go to Africa. I was hiding in a warehouse in Queens watching vintage pornography.
-No, it's unbrave. You should hate me.
-What does that even mean?
-Yaaargh. Yaaargh.
-It was a disaster.
-I'm so reloved I can do no wrong. Now everyone's after me. Unicef, the Gates Foundation, and what is Farm Aid? Is it a drink? Is it a truck? Is it a bandage you put on a barn? See, that's the kind of lazy stand up I'll never do again.
-FU, LL, spells full. Because you're full of BS, Liz Lemon.
-You better be right, Liz Lemon, because I can't take much more of this. I think Bono got in my limo.
-I am a Jedi!
-No. No!
-I'm back, Liz Lemon.
-No, I mean I'm back to where I was yesterday. I can't get anyone mad at me. I even called a women's basketball team, 'nappy headed hoes'. Apparently, I'm aloud to talk like that. Why?
-Tracy who? I don't even know who I am anymore.
-There are tears falling on her boobies, Liz Lemon.
-I know you've been molested. That's how we all got here. But I don't want to hear about it.
-But I wasn't even supposed to say that. The line was, 'Tyrene, I hope Dr. Muguto has good news about my endoscopy', but I couldn't say that so they told me to improve.
-You see what you've done, Liz Lemon?
-Yeah, this is my front. Thanks for setting me up with another classic quote.
-You can keep it. I'm just packing up a few things and then I'm gone.
-I'm quitting show business. I can't stop the horrible respect people have for me.
-Of course, this is all off the record.
-But you don't understand.
-No, thank you.
-That's crazy. A man name Elia. That's a giraffe's name.
-Shoot someone, huh? Nah. That's crazy even for us.
-Hahahahaha.
-I'm sorry, Ken, but maybe Jenna was right. The only way I could come back is if I shoot someone, and that's crazy. Or is it? Maybe that's a good idea.
-I should shoot you on the roof of 30 Rock.
-I can not promise you that, Ken, I'm a horrible shot.
-We all have doubt, Ktel Records, but we made a decision, and we'll look stupid if we don't follow through.
-My bad. That was an accident.
-Don't startle me when I'm holding a gun. Use your head, Liz Lemon.
-I didn't know that, Jack. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get people to stop respecting me.
-Yes, even more than I want to shoot Kenneth.
-Let's make some TV.
-I'm back…everybody…you're welcome…for the adventure…my absence…woo…provided.
-The Grimace Foundation, Jerry. Keeping milkshakes purple for over a thousand years.

Episode 21
-Great impression of a guy that sucks, DotCom. Look, we've got a lot of work to catch up on.
-What are you laughing about?
-No, no, no, no, no. You three are not allowed to have inside jokes that I'm not a part of. I can have inside jokes that you're not a part of, for example, 'hot feet', or, 'ask Melissa about it.' But my entourage serves me, and, 'smooth move, Ferguson' is not funny to me, so it is forbidden. Understand? Next order of business, Griz' DVD reviews of this weekend.
-I knew it. I knew you were saying that behind my back.
-I knew you wouldn't stop and now your failure leaves us only one option. Explain to me why, 'smooth move, Ferguson' is funny.
-That story is not funny.
-Then I will be. We are going to recreate all the events surrounding 'smooth move, Ferguson,' exactly as they occurred. Maybe then we can get on with our lives. Let's get to work.
-Now that I've killed that bug, I'd like to call this 'smooth move, Ferguson' recreation meeting to order. Kenneth, report.
-Get a rain machine. Look, here, take my credit card, use it to break in to a special effects warehouse to steal one.
-Security footage, DotCom licks the subway steps. These are solvable problems.
-JMo, how long would it take for your hair to grow back?
-You know I do.
-Then we'll reconvene in three weeks. Meeting is adjourned. Oh, my God. What happened to my bug?
-K9. Operation Ferguson status report.
-Was DotCom standing that gay?
-Hey, what's my boy KJ doing on TV?
-Yeah, we did a movie together that he directed and co-starred in.
-Death to the CIA. Let us all increase production of millet and sunflowers!
-It was either that or play a rapping doorman in a Kate Hudson movie.
-Hahahahahahaha. I get it now, it's so funny. Everyone laugh. Now, you sons of bitches.
-OK, but you might not like what I have to tell you. Kim Jong Il sometimes shoots in the close up too much. Comedy lives in the wide shot. And also, this is going to be rough, his acting notes are often vauge.
-Smooth move, Ferguson, hahaha. Smooth move, Ferguson-
-It's not about the joke. It's about what the joke represents, you monsters.
-I came back and you were fine without me. You laughed without me. And that was our special thing, but no. You thought 'smooth move, Ferguson, was so hilarious.
-You dropped a bomb, K, continue.
-Wahahwhwaah. Don't ever tell me what to do. Quadhug, me in the middle. And also due to a paperwork mishap, you will not be getting paid this month.
-Yeah!
-I don't have to listen to this.
-The leads are weak.

Episode 22
-Heyyyyy.
-Fore! Oh my God. Liz? It's Tracy. From work!
-I just bought everything around this house. It's supposed to be a nice area except for the "new element" everyone keeps telling me. Look, I've got a long night of shooting guns in the air ahead of me, you mind if I take a nap here?
-If I start screaming in my sleep, do not wake me up. I will attack you.
-Ahhhhhh wake me up. Free me from this. Ahhhhh.
-Liz Lemon.
-The party hasn't started. That's just the guys setting up. Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I'm trying to get a humming bird to drink out of my penis.
-Oh, I'm sorry. You didn't want to live next door to your friend, after all I've done for you? How many times have I come over and painted your apartment?
-Or maybe you're saying we're not friends. That's fine. I don't think it'll effect my behavior next season.
-Great! I'll come over tomorrow morning.
-Fore! Hey, guys! It's me, Tracy. The black guy from work.
-I hooked a ball on to a truck on the Long Island Expressway and Tracy Jordan doesn't take mulligans. Good thing you had to move out of that house. Some idiot rammed his boat that I was driving in to it.

4 thoughts on “Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 5

  1. Jack Turner

    Actually, Tracy asked Kenneth to look into Martinizing not “modernizing”. An easy mistake to make.

    Note: Martinizing should not be confused with Sanforizing. A technique invented by Sanford Lockwood Cluett in “The Collar City” (Troy, NY) roughly 80 years ago.

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