Unlikely Words

I realized I wasn’t going to make it home in time and I really didn’t want to have to figure out how to watch the episode. So I called my trusty friend Jono to step in. Here goes nothing:

********************************************************
Since Aaron has his priorities all screwed and put thousands of years of tradition celebrating Passover over Jack Bauer I am taking over the “24 Blog” for the first 20 minutes of the show.

Without further adieu I give you the beginning of tonight’s episode:

9:00: Looks like we begin with the VP still pissed off after last week. Ho hum.
-Ooh wait a sec. President Palmer is asking for a shot of adrenaline so he doesn’t have to use a wheelchair when he bitchslaps the VP. I didn’t know patients could just randomly get shots of adrenaline. I’ll have to look into this next time I go into the hospital.
-Wait for it. Here he comes. Yup, he got the shot and is now walking into the super secret bunker. Yes walking. The dood who just 30 minutes ago was in a coma. Oh divine intervention! Well that and a shot of adrenaline.
-Now, there seems to be some sort of “mock” trial where they’re trying to figure out if the VP can invoke the 25th amendment. I’m not sure the writers of the 25th amendment had shots of adrenaline in mind when writing it however. I guess in the end this is a good civic lesson for the children of the USA. Which can’t be that bad.
-Here we go. The cabinet will take a break and reconvene in 10 minutes to figure out if President Adrenaline or VP TV Character Modeled on Cheney will be the true president.
9:13: Sexual tension at CTU continues between Nadia and the Milo. “Let’s not worry about it now” Nadia. Milo “I’m not going to forget about the kiss.” Reowwwww. I can
-Silver Spoons does the ol secret phone call to Nadia to admit to her that there wasn’t a mole. But wait a sec. now Spoonie thinks that Milo was just dumb and inadvertently let the terrorists get into the CTU computer system.(Yeah, I was wondering how they were going to just skip over the fact that the one of the USA’s intelligence agencies got hacked and not try to explain it. –Aaron)
-OK. Back to the secret bunker. The cabinet is now going to vote. And the final tally is. Gee what a shock. 7 to 7. So according to our much loved Attorney General the 7 / 7 spit doesn’t invoke it because it requires a majority.
-Oh Jesus. The damn VP is now saying Karen’s vote is invalid because she resigned. And this is a gem. They’re now going to decide in the Supreme Court. I’m wonder if anyone from the Gore/Lieberman 2000 presidential campaign is advising the show.
**** Here’s where I come back, but wasn’t able to tell Jon to stop blogging. My comments in italics until he’s gone completely. ****
9:24: Nadia is in for the kill. She’s getting Milo away from his station so she can figure out if he was a mole or a dumb ass allowing the mole to get in.
-And here goes Spoonie being a good friend and revising the security parameters so Milo doesn’t get in trouble. How nice. Friends. And it also seems that Doyle is schooled in every religious text known to man since he has the ability to quote one whole sentence from the Koran.
-Doyle’s still looking for answers, while Nadia found hers in the Quaran. Looks like Ricky Schroeder knows it well enough to quote.
-Karen puts the call into her dawg Bill for some comfort. This is what love is. Not this Milo / Nadia crap. Bill and Karen have real, real, real love.
-XOXOXOOOXXXOXOX
9:26: Glad I got to miss the Cabinet vote. This seemed like a dumb plot line. Actually, it seems like this whole show is dumb and I should be glad for every part that I can miss.
-Man, I’m so tired of the terrorist getting immunity from the Attorney General. Can they try to come up with some new stuff?
-Finally, Gredenko. It’s taken 20+ minutes to get to this point. He’s calling the terrorists. Meeting at Santa Monica pier. I’ve been to the Santa Monica Pier and have to say it’s not the best place for Russian terrorists and Muslim terrorists to meet. It’s mostly food stands and seagulls.
-Wait, Palmer is just standing up Presidenting? From coma to President in 30 minutes.
-Now we keep going back and forth between VP Cheney character and Wayne. The both have arguments, but VP Cheney characters blond lackey seems to think they don’t have a chance. Wait. Blond lackey is now going to lie in a affidavit (to the freaking Supreme Court for that matter) that VP Cheney character said that Karen can come back, but just for a bit. Ooooh laa laa, I think there’s a little bit of sexual juices flowing between these two.
-What’s with the creepy VP and his blonde assistant? Are they going to bone?
-Why is the blonde assistant offering to lie, isn’t it part of her job description? Like lying is such a huge deal to these folks? I like how the VP is torn up about the possibility and they’re making him have to be convinced.
-This has to be the season of relationships on 24.
9:33: Recorders. Awesome… The VP was just caught lying. I hope Tom Lennox handles this correctly and has the VP resign. I keep hoping for him. I keep hoping he’ll be good.
-Oh wow, the room that this all just went down was bugged by Tom. You sneaky bitch you! God love ya Tommy boy… Tommy wants VP Cheney Character to call the Supreme Court to make good and say that he supports the President. Tommy is one sly fox (the animal not the network).
9:41: Welcome back, President Palmer.
-Thanks, Tom Lennox.
**** Jon’s done ****
-Uh, oh. Seems like President Palmer is not feeling well.
9:43: I like how Fayed is schizo about his security. Sometimes it’s jump through 60 hoops, sometimes it’s hey just knock, OK?
9:45: Why didn’t they use one of those satellite audio things? So they could hear what was going on.
-I think Gredenko cut his arm off.
-Yup. How did they make it so easy for Gredenko and Fayed to escape? Could they have been stupider?
9:52: JBKC 18 and 19 (Fayed’s men)
I have no idea how Gedanko got out of the bar in the short time it took for J ack Bauer to get in there.
9:54: Looks like President Palmer is becoming an Adrenaline Junky.
-Where are the nukes?
-So this means Gredanko is going to drown in the ocean?
-I think Tom Lennox and Karen Hayes could make a powerful team if Lennox would just let down his guard go with his heart.
-President Palmer is now going to do the nuclear strike?
-I wish I was strong enough to stop watching this show.
-Did you see Lennox on his cell? “Oh, God, no. There must be some mistake.”
-So we’re to believe that Namby Pamby Wayne Palmer all of a sudden decides to do something on his own for the first time ever? Next week, Jack Bauer is going to fly because, hey, this is “24” and it doesn’t matter have acted their entire life because if we need them to do something someway, they’ll just do it..

I know I’m watching the show looking for issues, but honestly, the show has gone down the tubes and is now a sad, tired carcass of what it was when it began. It didn’t used to be a pseudoconservative orgasmic fantasy world. Sure Jack Bauer would get shot once a day and not need much time to recover, but now? There’s absolutely no basis for reality and they’ve consistently requesting a suspension of disbelief only the most willing can sustain. It might not be so bad if the writers didn’t keep taking specific plot twists and turns from past seasons and try to trot them out as original. Next year, I’ll just get the DVDs for all the seasons and scramble them up so each scene is from a different season. It won’t make a difference to the enjoyment of the show. Thanks again to Jon for starting tonight’s episode for me. I didn’t tell him, but he might have to do the whole episode next week, as I’m likely to go to Lucero.

7:05: I don’t remember Milo having a sling last week. I can’t believe that’s the only thing I’ve had to comment on in the first 5 minutes.
-Chloe doesn’t want to report you, she just wants to warn you, gosh!
7:07: Oh good, General Walsh. He’s Hal Turner’s cousin.
-So we’ve got 4 minutes until the drone gets to LA. But maybe it’s going to Vegas?
-This Russian guy is good. He can hack into C.T.U. and make them lose visual contact with the drone.
-This VP is batshit crazy. He’s going to nuke the Ambiguous Arab Nation as a response to some stateless terrorists. Maybe the leader of the Ambiguous Arab Nation “tried to kill his daddy.”
7:15? OH NO, I MISSED IT. WHAT HAPPENED? I WAS WASHING DISHES.
-Why does Bill Buchannon want to make sure that first responders are deployed in the target areas? Wouldn’t he want to make sure that they are underground in a bunker and not able to get hit by a bomb? So that they can first respond?
7:16: Oh man. She wanted it. She wanted it so bad! Sorry. Jack Bauer doesn’t just kiss peeps like that. He’s got Audrey on the brain.
-Audrey’s dead? Accident? When? China? Well, that’s twisty.
-This music imples Jack Bauer’s about to crack?
-Maybe an intern could pull the files for Jack Bauer? Chloe’s a little busy.
-“Any objection to your plans will not be able to gain traction.” I’m thinking that the Joint Chiefs MIGHT be a bit skeptical about a VP who wants to launch unprovoked nuclear attacks. But then again, what do I know?
-Wait, is this the cabinet or the Joint Chiefs?
-Wouldn’t this “dangerous and reckless” action need to be approved by Congress? Meh.
7:28: That was a strange interaction with Milo and Nadia. And now another one between Milo and Chloe. I still can’t believe his name is Milo.
-Actually, typing that, I realized I went to nursery school with a girl named Milo and a girl named Chloe. Milo has the same birthday as me and Chloe’s dad owned a diner in Boston and collected tons of toys.
-I wonder how that kiss makes Morris feel, the breath checking kiss.
7:31: And here we go. Our first leak of the year! Who won the pool?
-Milo just needs to fess up right now about Nadia working on his machine.
-Jessie and I think Nadia must be getting set up.
-San Francisco in 20 minutes. Which means the drone should get blown up in about 19 minutes.
7:39: Shitty, they had to induce a coma in the President, that should put him out commission for a while.
-“He’s a fighter, we have that much going for us.” Wow. Thanks, they couldn’t write a better line than that? I think I wrote that line in a story I wrote in 5th Grade.
-Karen Hayes is going to bring the President back from the coma endangering his life and risking permanent brain damage in order to keep the VP from nuking the Ambiguous Arab Nation.
-Why is that doctor in such a rush? Isn’t he the President’s physician? Who else does he have to take care of?
7:41:Torture scene 11: (Nadia).
-Seems like Doyle Schroeder was at Abu Ghraib or Gitmo.
7:43: Jack Bauer has been pretty much out of this episode. We’ll see what happens.
-I bet he looks at the file and determines that she’s still alive because of ring or a tattoo or something.
7:50: We’re nearing the 20 minute mark on the drone.
-It’s probable that Nadia isn’t the bad girl. Who do we think it is? Doyle? Milo? Morris? Chloe? Buchannon?
7:52: Maybe what happens is that Doyle shoots everyone before they can get interrogated.
-JBKC 14 and 15 and 16. (Drone pilots)
-Or Jack Bauer shoots everyone before they can get interrogated.
-How many hours do you think Jack Bauer has flying a flight simulator.
-The music reminds me of Peter and the Wolf.
-“OK, it’s turning.” WTF does that mean? It wasn’t turning before?
-And yet Jack Bauer stalls it out anyway. Good going.
-I don’t think the bomb detonates a nuclear explosion unless it…detonates. Just crashing the drone doesn’t detonate the nuke.
-See what I mean?
-I mean it’s on fire now, and not detonating.
-How did Fire and Rescue get there so quickly? Why do I bother even asking? Anyone can get anywhere in 30 seconds, unless they can’t, and then it takes 5 minutes or 30 minutes.
-The VP is going to be pissed he can’t send a nuke into the Ambiguous Arab Nation.
-Oh wait, no he won’t, this VP is nuts.
-The first responders were exposed to fatal does of radioactive material? Why even bother?
-The VP has his Anne Coulter hang up the phone for him.
-The VP adjusts reality to fit into his warped worldview. And this gets right wingers excited and he’s heroic to them? Really? They don’t think he’s psycho?

5:00: So the President got blowed up. Judging by how long that takes people out of commission in past seasons, President Palmer should be in major surgery for all of this episode. We should see him back in indecisive action sometime next week.
-Wouldn’t the Russians know President Logan was under house arrest or was that some sort of secret deal?
-Why isn’t Jack Bauer using this time productively instead of chatting with Logan? This should be a long car ride.
-So Assad died. You’d like to think the US Government is more sophisticated than to blame Assad for this, but, well, this is “24” we’re talking about.
-I just missed that. Did the doctor say that President Palmer escaped getting directly exploded. Then he said that it would be a miracle if he survived? What does that mean?
-I’m thinking that when Reed Pollack’s plot gets foiled, he’ll be the first person to spill is beans in exchange for immunity.
-Why doesn’t Tom Lennox just say he agrees and then turn them in?
-I don’t think Tom Lennox is going to do the right thing.
-The three of them look so guilty.
-YES!!!!!!!
-FINALLY. FINALLY SOMETHING ON “24” GOES THE RIGHT WAY.
5:16: So do we think Lennox is going to be overruled in favor of the US attacking Assad and his unknown Arab Nation?
-Why is the VP calling Buchannon? This is like Cheney calling folks at the CIA. Oh wait, that happens.
5:18: Jessie thinks Logan “is a fucking villain.” Aside from being shocked at her foul language, I’m not quite sure what he’s up to, but it’s not villainy.
-Oh, great. Afghani veterans.
-So this Russian guy was part of last season’s plot? Interesting.
5:22: Jack Bauer loves going into other countries consulates. He really needs to stop this shit.
-What’s that saying? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
5:29: “They won’t know the full extent of his injuries until he regains consciousness.” What the hell does that mean? When Palmer wakes up, he’s going to tell the doctors what’s wrong with him.
-So this is Karen Hayes how is worked back into the show.
-The VP has Ann Coulter as an assistant?
-Why didn’t anyone tell the VP about the assassination plot? Oh, they’re telling him now.
-Reed Pollack and Bruce Carson are going to say Tom Lennox is the mastermind.
-“Until I have all the facts, I’m not about to tell the country that Assad is innocent in all of this.” Uh, so, let’s tell the country that we think Assad is guilty even though we don’t have any proof he had anything to do with it and do have proof that he didn’t? Right.
-Let me tell you what’s happening here. This is exactly what Bush and Cheney did after 9/11 in regards to Iraq. This is yet another example of the creators of “24” aping the Bush Administration. What I STILL don’t understand is who watches this and thinks it makes any sense at all? How could even a supporter of Bush watch this, see how ridiculous the VP is being by ignoring any and all information contrary to his beliefs, and think it’s a good thing? How? I’m not saying this right, so let me try again. The VP is being made to look like a jackass for ignoring information that doesn’t jive with his beliefs. This is exactly what has happened time and again in the current administration. What I don’t get is why the creators of “24” want to make the current administration look like jackasses.
5:35: Jack Bauer speaks great Russian.
-Jack Bauer is a whispery international incident. All the time.
5:43: “A situation has developed at the Russian Consulate.” “What kind of situation?” “Jack Bauer…” OK, you don’t need to go further than that.
-Is this the way that government works? The Russian President phones his counterpart mere minutes after Markov is taken hostage, and the VP calling a press conference 40 minutes after an assassination attempt on the President. My guess is that if an assassination attempt happened in the White House bunker, there’s no way we’d hear about it for several hours.
-The Russian President seems nervous.
-Torture Scene: 10 (Russian Consulate)
-Uh, oh. You screwed up big time, Mr. Russian Consulate.
-I’m thinking he loses at least 1 finger before telling.
-There it goes.
-So they’re launching aerial drones in two hours? Why is the Russian consulate smiling and laughing about it?
-Jack Bauer just got blowed up without even being able to communicate his info…
-That means Jack Bauer will be in custody for just around two hours before escaping somehow or getting released and then getting the drones exploded, right?
-Didn’t they shoot down something with a nuclear bomb on it a couple years ago?
-5:54: YES! Buchannon is the man! Drawing up plans to storm the consulate.
-This is better than I thought it was going to be, but it’s still suspect that the message is going to get out of there.
5:58: This is where the Russian gets shot.
-Too easy.
-How’d that Russian guy know to kill that other Russian guy?

It was definitely a better episode this week, but it didn’t end strongly. The scenes from next week do look kind of cool when the US goes to war with Russia. At least on a little part of Russian soil in CA.

3:00: I don’t know if Milo is going to make it out of this, but after what he pulled last week, I hope he does. That was badass.
-If you order someone to kill your son, do you feel sadness when told the job is done?
-There’s no way that guy would know Milo wasn’t a trained field agent, he did blow up the tech van, didn’t he?
-Jessie doesn’t think Milo is going to make it either. Hopefully Jack Bauer gets there in time.
-Yes!
-JBKC: 9 and 10 (Bad guys).
-That was pretty cool. Jack Bauer didn’t kill someone who didn’t need to be killed (well, he could have killed him anyway) and the bad guy let her go when Jack Bauer was like, “You know you’re not going to kill her.” If I had more time, I’d explore this further.
-Marilyn, you idiot. You were sitting next to Jack Bauer. He could have gotten your son easily.
-Jack Bauer just told Bill Buchannon how it was going to be. Those plans seemed complicated, I hope Buchannon got them all.
-“How could I have been so stupid”? Maybe if you stopped thinking about the Marilyn you knew 20 years ago, you would have seen this coming.
-Jessie just said, “What if Jack Bauer and Marilyn died, than no one would know his father is the bad guy. That seems like a big deal.” Jack Bauer doesn’t know anything about hypotheticals.
3:14: Morris is an alcoholic? I wonder if he’s going to have a problem with Milo being the hero when Morris armed the nukes?
-Oh, he IS going to have a problem.
-On his walk, is Morris going to get a drink? And he’s got quite a swagger for someone who had a drill through his shoulder 2 hours ago.
3:16: Wow, C.T.U. got to the industrial park really quickly.
3:18: This is another example of leverage shifting from one side to another side, wildly. Has there ever been a reality where no one ever retains the upper hand?
-Uh, oh, Grandpa’s going to kill me, I better leave.
-Uh, oh, Grandpa’s threatening me with a gun.
-Jack Bauer’s father is a giant prick. Willing to kill both his sons and his grandson. What’s so great about his company?
3:25: I’m almost certain Tom Lennox is taping these conversations. If he’s not taping the conversation, the dialogue is the most awful dialogue I’ve ever heard and “24” should fire Tom Lennox and the writers immediately.
-“Our man will be here within the hour.” Does that mean we’re going to find out if Lennox is taping the conversation or not.
3:28: Morris is definitely about to buy booze.
-It’s great that they introduced the idea of Morris as an alcoholic and needing a sponsor 14 minutes before he falls off the wagon. This show is telegraphing plot twists left and right, thanks for nothing, “24”.
-Wouldn’t C.T.U. have Red Bulls in a staff fridge or something? Probably, but then Morris wouldn’t have to walk to the corner store to buy whiskey.
3:36: Fox just had a commercial for a show called “Drive.” I thought it was a parody of “24” for a car commercial. Nah, it was a real show.
-Which step was that, Morris? Apologizing to Milo.
-YES! Tom Lennox. Thank you.
-Yell! Yell! Cause a scene Tom Lennox.
-Shoot, too late.
-It seems Lennox wasn’t taping the conversation.
-Hal Turner’s team is going to lead the attack on Gredanko’s house? Am I the only one on the internet talking about Hal Turner? I guess not.
-Chloe just can’t believe you anymore, Morris. After everything. How can she trust you after all of this?
3:43: So Gredanko escaped AND Phillip escaped AND Tom Lennox was foiled? The good guys are really having a hard time this hour.
-JBKC: 11 (Third bad guy).
3:51: Milo was a hotshot jerk at the beginning of the day, but he seems to be turning himself around.
-“Point and shoot.” That’s right, Marilyn,
-Why would Jack Bauer not have Marilyn call C.T.U.? What does that do but slow things down?
-What will Philip get out of trading Jack Bauer for Josh Bauer? What are the possible outcomes for this?
-Do we think Marilyn is going to go shoot Grandpa?
-Is Philip telling the truth here? I kind of believe him or at least want to believe him. Isn’t it hard to believe Gredanko would be able to find out about Philip killing Palmer without
-Come on, Marilyn! Either she shoots him or he shoots himself or he’s left already.
-Yes! I bet if you have three guesses for how every scene ends in “24” you’ll almost always be right.
-Looks like Charles Logan was pardoned to end our “long national nightmare.” The best thing about being an ex-President? Not having to shave.

Two links:
‘24′ cuts down on torture scenes
“24″ is not a Republican show

1:00: Graham’s death has implications I didn’t realize before. Jack Bauer is now going to think he caused the death. And other people will think that as well. What will this mean for the rest of the day?
-Hear that helicopter, baby? That’s Jack Bauer, THE Jack Bauer.
1:06: I’m not sure McCarthy’s girlfriend is trained for stunt driving like this, but she’s doing pretty well.
-Can’t the helicopter just fly higher and pretend they’re watching something else? Jack Bauer walked right into that one. He’s still rusty.
1:09: Once Jack Bauer saw the silver car, he really should have landed on top of it.
-Woah, McCarthy is doing all of this for $7M? It seems like this chore would be worth more. I would have charged more.
-Do it! Oh Man. I can not believe that just happened. She’s cold blooded. Don’t any of these people know how little $7M is?
1:16: Uh oh, it’s Chad Lowe!
-Tom Lennox is freaking out, is he married to Chad Lowe? They’re arguing like a couple.
-“Go now and draft my letter of resignation and bring it back now for me to sign.” Lennox is ridiculous. His sense of importance is immense.
-Who is this new guy? He wants Chad Lowe to feel him someone out. Don’t worry, Chad Lowe will feel out anyone you want.
-I’m pretty sure McCarthy’s girlfriend is not going to get any money from Fayed.
-Are they really just going to beat him until he agrees to reprogram the bomb? This plan just doesn’t have a high success percentage
1:29: Chloe’s back, guess whose back. Chlose’s back! She can find blocked caller IDs all the time!
-Assad and Palmer, let’s see what happens.
-“Not a puppet, a partner.” Palmer seems like a strange character to be lecturing someone on leadership.
-Look, it’s Hal Turner! Remember how well his last operation went? We’re in good shape, folks.
1:34: Torture Scene 5: (Morris).
-What do you think Fayed? Is there a fire? Bluffing?
-Oh jeeze, here we go with the electric drill. That’s not a good way to get him to do what you want, Fayed.
-McCarthy’s girlfriend is dead dead dead.
-That one was too easy.
-Why doesn’t Morris just say he’ll do it? They’re not going to be able to get out of there anyway?
-Also, doesn’t Morris know they’ll kill him after he’s done?
1:43: Tom Lennox is getting jobbed by Chad Lowe. It figures. Chad Lowe is taking out his anger about Hilary Swank on Tom Lennox.
-The acting in this scene is terrible. Tom Lennox is awful. Chad Lowe is awful.
-“There are people like you…that believe a change in leadership is imperative.”
-Come on Tom, be a patriot. Just once in this series I’d like something like this situation to come up and have it end up the way it would in real life. Tom Lennox needs to tell the Secret Service. I won’t be surprised if he doesn’t, but really, he’s a neocon, not a traitor.
-Can’t they look at a heat screen again? Oh, yes. They can.
-I don’t understand. Do they need Morris to write software or to create some triggers? Isn’t he a programmer?
1:47: How do they expect Morris to arm a nuclear device?
-JBKC: 7 and 8. (Fayed’s guys).
-Sick. “Now.” I should give Jack Bauer a knockdown for getting the guys to fly through the window and kill the other baddie right at the right time.
-Jessie noticed that Jack Bauer never wears a helmet. Silly, Jessie, helmets wear Jack Bauers to be safe, not the other way around.
-HOW DID FAYED GET OUT? THAT’S ALL THEY NEEDED TO DO. CAPTURE FAYED. I can’t even type in caps anymore. Just capture Fayed, sheesh.
-“C.T.U… we got a problem.” You think?
1:55: 3 minutes, eh? I bet he stops the bomb.
-Hal Turner, you’re the man, you found the closet! Now where’s Fayed?
-“Witnesses reveal a helicopter took off”? Really? Fayed got into the basement, into the sewer, into a near by field, had a helicopter lined up, and took off? Really? Really?!
-Doesn’t C.T.U. have a better bomb technician? That’s a stupid question, I know, but, they have guys who go to school for this, right? Jack Bauer was born knowing this stuff.
-Thank you, Jack Bauer, nice job stopping the nuclear bomb. You’ve never done that before, have you?
-Two bombs down, three to go.
-“This situation is immeasurably worse.” Damn it, Lennox, you are weak. You’re about to make a huge mistake.
-Jessie wants to know if “he’s really slipping to the dark side.” Yes, this show sucks.

11:00: This is a pretty good touch. Last week ended with the President speaking, so clearly he is speaking at the beginning of this week, too. It’s the small things, people, that’s why we watch.

-So we’ve got a “Karen Hayes Problem.” Do you think Bill Buchannon will let Tom Lennox take care of the “Karen Hayes Problem?” I doubt it. Tom Lennox thinks Karen Hayes is a, “Bleeding heart liberal, preaching civil liberties.”

-Chad Lowe, dropped by Hillary Swank, rebounds with ‘24’. Good move. At least ‘24’ won’t dump you when it wins an Oscar

-Gray Bauer has got a sweaty, bald head. The bag is going back on. This doesn’t count as a torture scene since it’s a continuation of last week’s torture scene.

-How is Jack Bauer going to just believe his brother now? Stab him in the knee. Stab him in the knee! That’s how you get people to talk.

-I don’t believe Gray, why would Jack Bauer?

11:09: I thought all of the C.T.U. field teams were killed in the nuke? They’ve got 2 more at Jack Bauer’s beck and call?

11:15: I’d think that after a nuclear bomb went off, there would definitely be a curfew enforced. That’s how you’d find Fayed.

-So I’m thinking Graham is lying, but Graham is talking 2 steps down the line about indictments. It doesn’t make any sense! He’s basically saying, “I’m lying, but in my lie scenario, you’re going to get me indicted.” Maybe Graham’s not lying and I’m just inclined to think he is because ‘24’ has trained me so well.

-Jessie thinks Darren’s girlfriend looks a little like Kim. I hate Kim.

-I knew it! “Your negativity is not what I need right now, I need less stress, not more!” I totally called him kicking her out of the car! Damn, she sweet talked him.

-I can’t take Milo seriously. He had the same stupid facial hair in Six Feet Under. It looked stupid then, it looks stupid now.

-What are the chances that Nadia is flagged as someone with Muslim descent, she gets cleared, and then turns out to be a baddie? “She’s a registered Republican for crying out loud.”

-Walid is solid. Heydar has a cell phone. He’s the man! Where do you suppose he smuggled that in? I have a guess.

-Here is Tom Lennox’s power move. A threat. Bill Buchannon’s going to take the fall because he doesn’t care. Karen is going take this to the President. I don’t think Tom Lennox is going to win this one. If she’s a patriot, she’ll stay around and fight this. What are the positions of these people? AG? NSA?

11:31: This is ridiculous. We know Morris would be just as pissed off, so why wouldn’t they just tell the truth.

-Uh oh, Milo. This could be bad. You can’t log in under you user ID. What if she’s a terrorist? What if she’s not? It could go either way. This is going to come up again.

-Wayne Palmer is not going to accept her resignation. That’s clear! It’s clear. Don’t accept! Wayne needs her. Tom Lennox is going down! Whew. What are you going to do Tom? The President doesn’t accept.

-Damn it. Why didn’t Karen just tell him the truth? Weak!

-Did Chad Lowe just put a bug on Karen Hayes?

11:41: I feel like Walid is going to end up stabbed.

-What the F? How’d he get the phone? Walid is a magician.

-This is awesome. The FBI is great, they’ve got super technology.

-How is he going to get the phone put back? This makes me nervous.

-If these guys are not terrorists, what do they care if Walid stole the phone? They’d just be mad, but not terrorist mad.

-Oh man. This is not good.

-That fight scene was crazy. ‘24’, pushing the limits. It’s why we watch!

11:51: Those 2 C.T.U. field agents don’t appear to be long for this world, something about them says, “One episode extras.”

-Electronic shredding file? I want one.

-JBKC: 4 (Daddy Bauer’s guy).

-Hello, James Cromwell. I just saw you in The Queen this weekend. You were great as Prince Phillip.

11:55: Do you think Jack Bauer could torture his father?

-Hasn’t Jack Bauer had 3 or 4 lovers since Terry? Graham is going to piss him off by saying something about her? Weren’t they going to get a divorce?

-“This is insane.” That’s exactly what I was going to say.

-I’m telling you, Graham’s guys are no match for Jack Bauer.

11:57: Also, aren’t the C.T.U. agents out there watching the exits?

-What did I tell you about those C.T.U. guys not being long for this world?

So Jack Bauer’s been captured, which should last about 5 minutes next week. Karen Hayes resigned which could be final or not, but if she’s flying to LA, she’s off the show for 6 or 7 weeks. I thought ‘24’ help up rather well this week. They’ve backed off a little from Melrose Place, which is nice. Which do you suppose will end up being a bigger deal in the coming weeks? Karen Hayes or Nadia being a terrorist?

9:00: “A Sergeant is missing.” They have to find this Namir guy. Bill Buchannon is starting to lose it.

-“Capturing Namir is our top priority.” I wish I had access to all of CTU’s top priorities over the years. Just to see how they turned out and how many actually ended up being the TOP priority.

-Chloe really needs to be able to cover for Morris a little better than that. She walked right into that. Morris and Milo are so silly.

-This is the second year in a row that we have a threat in which hundreds of thousands of people will die. Maybe the third year in a row. Who knows. I can’t keep track of it anymore.

-“There’s you and us, there is no we.” Kind of like the UBS slogan, but this is Curtis and Assad and the USA, not a financial institution.

-Curtis really has an issue with Assad. Time was Jack would say jump and Curtis would ask how high. Curtis must have gotten a big time raise in the 20 months since Jack was back. Either that or a personal thing. Probably a personal thing.

-How many of these pain pills has Ahmed taken? Won’t they make him sleepy?

-I love how people continually leverage each other in this show. Ray and Kumar just flipped then flipped back and now Ray is on the bottom again. Ray values Scott more than his wife. Think they’ll bring that up in therapy next week?

-How is Ray going to find the address? I hope he’s got a GPS.

-Jill, I think that’s the right move, even though Kumar told them not to call the cops.

9:19: Milo and Chloe and Morris, threesome! Yes. I’m glad, because, well, I just love this show and Morris.

-Milo and Morris are best friends now, I love that, I was getting tired of that story line.

-Jillian meet Jack Bauer, all of your problems are solved. And Jack Bauer will fix the drain when they’re done, too.

-Anytime anyone wants to make a deal on this show, they need to see it in writing first. What does that mean? Like the President couldn’t draft up some shit and then go back on it?

-“Do I detect a threat?” “Yes.” Sandra Palmer doesn’t give an F and she’s not afraid to tell Tom Lennox that.

-How is Walid going to save the day? I’m thinking that maybe he doesn’t make it out of the day. But he’s going to get some info from those guys in the detention center. We’ll see.

9:28: Ray is having a REALLY bad day. It’s too bad he didn’t leave the package and call Kumar to have Fayed to check.

9:37: Why are Tom Lennox and the NSA chief Karen Hayes doing the messaging on this Assad agreement?

-Good thing Kumar is all doped up, otherwise he might see CTU coming in.

9:39: Heh, he is TOO doped up. I see. Scott’s going to kill Kumar by accident before Jack Bauer can capture him.

-Yeah, Scott. 3501 Old Mill Rd, Valencia. Scott’s the man. He is SO much better at this shit than Kim Bauer.

9:48: So is this an urgent call or a ‘priority 3’? Isn’t it likely that they’re going to do the tactical strike and the suitcase nuke will be long gone? According to Nasir, he’ll be done right around 10 of 10.

-I love Walid, he’s a true patriot. He cares more about his country than the admissibleness of the evidence he’s gathering. Sandra, you better believe it.

-Jack Bauer better tell Curtis to LOCK IT UP. Curtis has got to get it together.

-This is one of the things I read about on the internet before watching it. I read that Curtis doesn’t make it, and I hope he does, but I’m not feeling good about it.

-Damn it. I’ve never been sadder. Why couldn’t he have shot him in the arm? I guess I should have been prepared for this, I should have better stuff written in advance.

-JBKC: 6. (CTU Agent Curtis Manning, an honorable man, a fine agent, and one of the best damn co-agents Jack Bauer ever had. Right up there with Tony.)

-Jack Bauer just threw up, this is hard on all of us. Bill Buchannon better tell Jack Bauer to LOCK IT UP.

-I’m relatively speechless, and I just wish that Curtis could have gotten his own show, first.

-It seems like the suitcase bomb is still in the house.

-Holy shit. A nuclear bomb was just detonated on US territory. Something tells me that Ray didn’t make it out, but that Jack Bauer is back on the job.

-It’s great that Nadia can translate this stuff. So 4 more bombs to go, eh?

OK, I watched 4 episodes in 7 hours. I don’t want to have to do that again. I’m glad that the writers are still writing crazy government stuff into the storylines. I’ve read they tilt right, but all of the different references they make to the current administration seem like satire, like they’re trying to show just how ridiculous the Bush administration is. I don’t get it.

What do we know:

-4 more suitcase nukes are somewhere in the city. Is Valencia far enough out that we won’t have to watch them run around in fall out for 20 more hours?

-Heroes is definitely going to get watched at a different time than Monday at 9.

-There are several candidates for characters that are seemingly good guys, but act suspiciously so we think they’re bad, only to find out that someone else is the bad guys. These candidates so far are Tom Lennox, and well, everyone else except Jack Bauer.

-There are also several candidates for people who don’t do anything suspicious until 15 seconds before we find out they are bad. These candidates so far are Tom Lennox, and well, everyone else except Jack Bauer.

-I’ve heard that Matha Logan and Chase will be back on this year. Audrey had planned to be tied up all year in “The Nine”, but, well, we expect her to be available this year, too. I’m hoping against hope that Kim Bauer is in another country and unable to make it back by the end of the day.

-We’ve seen year in and year out that the initial bad guy and dangerous threat are not the threat that ends up getting thwarted in the end. Are 4 nuclear bombs set to explode today a big enough threat or are there more menacing dangers afoot? We’ll find out in about 19 weeks.

7:00: Fayed’s henchman is speaking truth to power.

-“If we don’t leave know, we’ll jeopardize the mission.”

-The first car Jack Bauer breaks into has a cell phone. He’s the perfect spy because he’s also very lucky.

-“Jack Bauer’s calling, line 2.” Heh. That’s awesome. I wish we didn’t know Jack Bauer had escaped so when he called it was a surprise, then they could flash back to him killing that dude. That would have been a better entrance.

-Tom doesn’t not want to kill Assad.

-Oh, Karen Hayes, when will you ever learn to stop underestimating Jack Bauer? Ever? Never?

-God, I hate this Tom schmuck.

-Jack Bauer memorized Assad’s coordinates and is heading to the scene. Because that crummy flip phone that someone left in the car has GPS. Thank you, Sprint.

-Kumar really doesn’t seem like he’s the same age as Scott. They probably could have done this set up a little differently.

-Jack Bauer has been prepping for this strike for 20 months. He’s been salivating just thinking about killing, looking, thinking, thinking, killing, spying, rescuing. Every Chinese torture session found Jack Bauer planning strikes in his head.

-JBKC: 2 (Assad’s guy.)

7:19: That’s it! The government is always talking about how regular citizens don’t need to be concerned with the extra-constitutional intelligence strategies that the government is using (the NSA phone taps, the signing order allowing the President to read your mail, the Pentagon looking at your financial records) because you don’t have anything to hide. This lawyer lady hits the nail on the head. We don’t have anything to hide, we have something to protect. Her boss wants to sacrifice privacy because the country is under attack. No way. Ah! Sandra Palmer, the President’s sister!

-I like that Sandra is a kick ass lawyer, not a “flag burning idealist”, and I like how she knew to look out for Tom Lennox, everyone knows that guy’s a neocon douche bag.

-Woah, the President’s sister is in love with a terrorist. Just kidding. That seems like a political liability, no?

-Tom talks like Yoda. “Likely there will be more attacks, but respond he will, guaranteed.”

-Haven’t the terrorists learned to not drive around in vans without windows.

7:25: Fayed looks like Vin Diesell with a gap tooth.

7:32: Torture scene, 2.

-Assad looks upon Jack Bauer’s torture techniques with admiration and… lust?

-Wow, Jack Bauer is losing his touch, huh? Assad is to Jack Bauer as what is to what? Assad is cold blooded. He just stuck a knife right into that guy’s knee cap.

-“I don’t know how to do this anymore.” “You’ll remember.” We hope so, or else there isn’t a show.

-7:47: My guess is that if the FBI was going to Sandra Palmer’s place of work, they’d send an upper level person. This guy’s got to have connections to Tom Lynch.

-Stan the contractor is a boor, but he just might be preventing some serious shit.

-And now he’s dead.

-Ahmed is just not that convincing as a terrorist.

7:52: Jack Bauer is just going to separate from Assad without anyway of getting in touch with him in the future? How are they going to coordinate future missions? And. Doesn’t Fayed’s guy, the detonator, probably know what Assad looks like?

-LA has a subway system? And. How did they just arrange a car to be parked in downtown LA? They don’t have meters there?

-Awesome. JBKC: 3 (suicide bomber). So far, 2 of Jack Bauer’s kills/knockdowns have been out of the ordinary. How many CTU agents can say they’ve kicked a suicide bomber out the back of a moving train?

-The bomber would almost assuredly not have gotten on the last train, right?

-2 more bombings. But maybe some good news, a man called Jack Bauer.

-The NSA surveillance software can red tag phone calls? That’s some hot software. They can listen, but not locate?

-That guy Tom is a SNAKE, man. I wonder if there’s a way for someone to kill him or at least arrest him.

-“This is going to get much worse.” Wayne, don’t worry about it, baby, Jack Bauer is on the case. There’s only one way for it to get, and that way is better, not worse.

-Oh good, Jack and Assad exchanged numbers. That was smart, now they can catch up…

Last year, before watching Fox’s terrible drama “24″, I committed myself to documenting each episode with as much detail as possible. I complained, pointed out inadequacies, For reasons unknown, I never posted my running journal from the season finale. You will find it below.

For readers unfamiliar with my “24″ posts: I never refer to Jack, Bauer, JB or Jackie, it’s always Jack Bauer. This is a sign of respect, fear, and mocking derision. Last year I counted the number of people killed by people besides Jack Bauer (NJBDs), the number of torture scenes, my prediction ratio, and the number of people knocked down by Jack Bauer (JBKDs). It’s too difficult to determine if Jack Bauer has killed someone or has simply knocked them out and thus any time someone is debilitated by Jack Bauer, it’s counted. In the coming year, I’m going to focus less on the metrics, and more on the constructive criticism. I’ll also try to include a few idiotic “24″ links (Esquire:Feature Story:WHAT I’VE LEARNED: Jack Bauer). This one took 2 people to write? Amazing.

You may ask, “If you hate the show so much, why do you watch?” I have two answers, one altruistic and one exhibiting self weakness. I don’t know, I can’t help it. I watch so you don’t have to.

The “24″ journal will be a weekly feature of Unlikely Words starting this Sunday and Monday night as we bang out 4 episodes in a hurry.

Without further adieu, last year’s finale.

Woah. In watching the scenes from last week, I realized that Bierko’s caravan was taken out by an “IED”. It seems Logan’s administration has issues with IEDs also! Another Bush parallel. Let’s get right into the finale.

8:02: That gas doesn’t last long, does it? And Bierko doesn’t seem to be wasting any time. Just so we’re all clear. The poisonous gas that can dissipate from a submarine in less than 3 minutes will totally destroy financial and population centers. This was also the same gas that killed about 12 people in a gigantic mall. The submarine must be porous.

8:05: Of course Christopher Henderson needs a gun. He needs to make up for himself.

8:06: There’s a survivor on the sub? Good thing they have Jonny Teenager on the sub. An inside man, that’s all Jack Bauer needs. Just give him a shot.

8:11: How is Officer Rooney talking without the guard hearing him? Jack Bauer can turn anyone into a killer as long as he’s got a radio. There’s a little Jack Bauer in all of us, apparently.

8:12: NJBD: 1 (Bad guy by Rooney). It didn’t go as planned, but it went well enough. Why was Jack Bauer so cavalier about shooting that guard? Didn’t that make noise?

8:13: JBKD: 1 (Bad guy). Jack Bauer should really take that machine gun.

8:17: JBKD: 1 (Bad guy). The way that guard was killed was unnecessarily dramatic. Did it need to be like that?

8:18: NJBD: 1 (CTU Agent). JBKD: 1 (Bad guy).

8:19: JBKD: 2 (Bierko and his buddy). It was clear from the very beginning of this show that the missile launch wasn’t going to be a big deal. “You were never going to let me go, were you?” “No.” And I wasn’t going to give you a loaded weapon, either. Something tells me Christopher Henderson would check his gun when he got it to make sure he got bullets. He probably would be able to tell by the weight of the gun how many bullets he had left. Jack Bauer would have been able to tell, and Christopher Henderson was his mentor. Jack Bauer just sentenced Christopher Henderson. Jack Bauer is judge. Jack Bauer is jury. Jack Bauer is executioner.

8:26: “He fired on me, I didn’t have a choice.” That’s a Jack Bauer euphemism. Bill Buchannon has heard that one before.

8:29: “There’s still Bauer to deal with.” This quotation will go down in history as the biggest understatement in history.

8:30: Come on, Mike. You know you’ve scene a body in the back of a Secret Service car before, you know what to do.

8:32: There’s nothing like the love and devotion of a good Secret Service man.

8:38: “This is a real mess, Jack.” Another understatement.

8:38: It’s exciting to consider the possibility of Jack Bauer torturing the sitting president.

8:40: Morris, eh? CHLOE’S EX-HUSBAND?! WOAH, WOAH, WOAH. I didn’t think “24” could surprise me anymore. Stop wasting Morris’s charm, Chloe. Amazing. I’m back on board. Just when I thought I was done with the show, they introduce a new character with about an hour left in the season finale. Bold.

8:50: Give the First Lady an Emmy. She is the best actress of all time! If you can’t keep him in the city with your heart, use your sex. How many times have this President and this First Lady had sex during this administration? 3, 4 times? No one responds to language like, “You’re the President” like Charles Logan. They’re going to have to delay the flight, but we all know Charles Logan will be ready in 3 or 4 minutes. After showering of course.

Morris O’Brian is the best new character on TV. Morris, Curtis, and Pierce. That’s “24” next year!

This is interesting… We’re not really in suspense anymore. But this is interesting because the writers are telling us that having a corrupt president is worse than any terrorist attack. I would agree. These writers are angry leftist bloggers, that’s the only thing that’s certain.

9:02: JBKD: 1 (Navy Pilot).

9:03: Can Jack Bauer fly a helicopter? I mean. Of course he can, but does he know if he can?

9:05: Again. AGAIN! The First Lady can get anything she wants just by playing to Charles Logan’s need for praise.

9:06: JBKD: 2 (Secret Service detail). Doesn’t say a whole lot for the protection offered by the Secret Service.

9:07: No one has ever been more surprised than Charles Logan or more afraid. I’m not willing to believe that the Navy pilot wouldn’t have some sort of recourse. Otherwise presidents would be getting kidnapped over and over again.

9:09: JBKD: 1 (The other Navy pilot).

9:10: The Charles Logan we’ve been watching for 23 hours would roll over in a second to save himself. He wouldn’t stop blabbering until they stuck a sock in his mouth. Do Jack Bauer and Morris O’Brian remember each other from company picnics and happy hours?

9:16: Charles Logan is tougher than Walt Cummings? I don’t think so. They’ve never reconciled the fact that President Logan was involved in whatever Walt Cummings was working on and President Logan pretended not to know Walt was involved. Though they almost certainly would have bumped into each other at planning committee meetings.

9:20: The President and Jack Bauer are playing chicken to see who has less to lose.

9:21: Jack Bauer just blinked. What the F. It’s probably the handcuffs or phone or pen. They’ve got microphones and the President is about to tell all. Just wait. Or maybe that’s too obvious?

9:28: Good shot of streaming Fox News on a Sprint phone. Someone just got a bonus.

9:29: Woah! I thought he loved her, and then he goes and hits her? Crap.

9:30: He’s not so stupid. Charles Logan knows his wife doesn’t love him anymore. I think he’s digging his own grave now. Admit it, Charles. She’s leading him on. This is awesome. Keep going. More, more, more. What happens in the presidential compound stays in the presidential compound! Or does it?

9:38: This seems to bring in the NSA wiretapping scandal (again?) with the Attorney General unwilling to even listen to the tape.

9:43: Where did Jack Bauer get those bumps on his head?

9:45: It did seem strange that the phone call was on the landline and couldn’t get patched through to the cell. But how is this all going to end? Maybe next year is the Curtis show!

9:50: I wonder if Buchannon is going to ask Karen Myers to dinner? HAHAHA YES, HE IS! Sweet. Or breakfast.

9:51: Morris O’Brian is charming…

9:53: The Chinese. Of course. We should have known.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. I really don’t agree with the carry over from year to year. Especially because the last time it happened (when David shook hands with poison) I don’t remember anything coming of it except some strange scarring. I can’t remember what season that was (the 2^nd to 3^rd?), though, so maybe I’m crazy.

This concludes the “24” journaling project. I hope you enjoyed some part of the around 16,000 words I wrote on the subject over the last 20 some odd weeks.

Total for tonight, 9 JBKCs, 0 tortures, 2 NJBDs, Prediction Ratio N/A

Totals for the season, 46 JBKCs, 5 tortures, 150 NJBDs, Prediction Ratio 45% (5 out of 11)