Here for your reading pleasure and nitpicky criticism is Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 5 of 30 Rock. As always, this is actually EVERYTHING he said, and is not intended to be a best of. This was a pretty analog exercise 2 years ago when I did it the first time, and it feels more so now. Theoretically, this should be a 20 minute supercut of all his lines for the season. There is, however, something interesting about seeing all of the lines in one place. You can also check out: Other seasons of Tracy Jordan, Everything Hurley Said, Everything Sawyer Said, Everything Locke Said, and Everything Don Draper Said.

Episode 1
-Yo. I'm calling to say that I'm giving you 110% this year. I'm relaxed. I'm focused. And I'm gonna be churning out the good stuff like you've never seen.
-Oh. I misdialed. I thought I was calling my nutritionist. Goodbye.
-Hey, KKKK. First day back is gonna be a busy one. First, I need you to go to the drycleaners for me and find out how Martinizing works. I've always been curious. Then, I need you to be back by noon to make the bathroom smell like sandalwood before I wreck it. You got that K-Pack of Gum.
-Of course. I knew that.
-Kenneth, I knew you'd come back. Let me smell your head.
-I'm sorry, but my heart is playing tricks on my eyes, just like my kidneys did to my lungs that time.
-I keep hallucinating Kenneth. Am I going crazy again? Should I get my rainbow wig out of storage?
-Like the World Cup. I'll try. No. This place is too full of memories. I've got to clear my head!
-No! You do not exist. I am in control of this.
-You're not real. If I threw you in front of a car, it would drive right through you.
-Of course it would. It would know everything I knew because it sprung from my imagination.
-Oh, no. I missed it! Do it again.
-I love you, Kenwood. Why don't you come back home to TGS. Pick the peas out of my fried rice. And the rice. I just want carrots.
-Don't you miss rubbing my foot back into the shape of a foot?
-I guess this is goodbye. Obviously, I'm gonna need the tote bag.
-Sure is, wanna go kiss in the prop cage?

Subscribe by RSS, or on Twitter, or by email or on Facebook or on Tumblr

Episode 2
-I'm werewolfing myself.
-You know when a dude knows he's gonna turn into a werewolf and locks himself in a jail? Well, I'm embarrassed to say I've missed the birth of both of my sons…for very legitimate reasons.
-So I promised Angie I will not miss the birth of our daughter.
-And my mood ring! And I don't know how I feel about that.
-And good for you, Liz Lemon. There's something about you lately. Make me want to put my feet in your mouth.
-I can't leave my dressing room until Angie goes in to labor, but the president is saying we have to go outside.
-If I was a real werewolf, I'd wear baggy clothes so my nice clothes wouldn't get all torn up. Same rules for if I were the Hulk. I don't get why people like brunch. What's the benefit of combining breakdancing and lunch?
-You're not Griz! Ahh!
-I just gotta get to the hospital on Right There. Taxi! Sir, I don't have any money, but I need to get to Mount Sinai Hospital.
-Wow, it's like I always say, 'White cab drivers are weird.'.
-Explain the rules.
-So to be there for the birth of my daughter I have to answer trivia questions despite having gone to middle school in an Exxon station?
-Bring it.
-Come on, I don't know that.
-OK, I remember going to the Statue of Liberty Centennial cuz that year someone had spread a rumor that she was going to slip out of her toga and I wanted to see some green boobies. And that year the Mets had just won the World Series cuz that night I was randomly attacked by a Mets fan that I had thrown a pile doo at. That was 1986. And centennial is a hundred years because centipeding means having sex with a hundred women. I got it. 1886.
-She is an orca, Benjamin. FYI, they're very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.
-I'm coming, Angie!
-The Lazy Susan was invented by Thomas Jefferson. I know because I'm a descendent of Thomas Jefferson and Lazy Susan herself. The capital of the United Arab Emirates is Abu Dhabi. I know that because if I go back there, I'll be executed. There are twelve tons in the chromatic scale. [Singing] I know that because I'm a musical genius.
-Tracy Jordan. Hero. Husband. Diabetic slash alcoholic. Yes!
-Am I pulling it right?
-OK.
-It's still not opening.
-I'm trying to pull, you keep saying push.
-What you want me to do? You're yelling at me.
-I'm freaking out!
-Because I love you, baby, and I'll always be by your side no matter what Discovery Channel game show stands in my way. I wouldn't have missed whatever just happened here for anything. I don't know what I'd do without you. And I mean it.
-Why is that baby covered with goop?
-You ready for this, Jacky D?
-Explain.
-Jacky D, you want to make God laugh? Make a plan, or read him a Dave Barry book. You worried about being old, Jack? You could live forever, but you still can't predict what happens in life. Wait a minute, there's no baby in here.
-Oh, she's in the crib. Good.
-I hate to say I told you so, so, 'Welcome to Miami'.
Read the rest of this entry »

My favorite part about this video is that before Tracy said Sarah Palin was good masturbation material, he was very clearly going to say, "Both of them at the same time." Everything Tracy Jordan Said indeed.

In TNT's apology, they interestingly criticized Tracy, but not the hosts who set him up.



Via The Daily What

folkinz made a list of folks he thinks have a real shot at earning EGOT status. I'm not sure anyone belongs on this list if they have only won one of the four (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony). Obviously Bette Midler and Lily Tomlin are the favorites having won 3 of the 4 needed, but also because it's not impossible to imagine them winning Oscars (you know, in the way that it's impossible to imagine Gwyneth Platrow winning a Grammy)

# cher (E, G, O)
# jamie foxx (G, O)
# catherine zeta-jones (O,T)
# jennifer hudson (G, O)
# lily tomlin (E, G, T)
# gwyneth paltrow (O)
# kevin spacey (O)
# nicole kidman (O)
# renee zellweger (O)
# scarlett johansson (T)
# anne hathaway (E)
# joaquin phoenix (G)
# reese witherspoon (O)
# hugh jackman (E, T)
# justin timberlake (E, G) oscar may be a stretch i know.
# meryl streep (E, O)
# bette midler (E, G, T)

Incidentally, there have been 12 EGOT winners (or 10 if you're a stickler).

Subscribe by RSS, or on Twitter, or by email or on Facebook or on Tumblr

Last year, I put together a transcript of Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 3 of 30 Rock. You guys liked it and I subsequently put together Everything Hurley Said, Everything Sawyer Said, Everything Locke Said, Everything Don Draper Said, and a the first two seasons of Everything Tracy Jordan Said. Here is Season 4. This season, Tracy Jordan had a few great lines, specifically in Episodes 18 and 21. As always, these are ALL of Tracy Jordan's lines from Season 4. If you're looking for a best of list or this isn't your thing, there's plenty of other internet out there for you. It's going to take a second to get through, so be careful if you have stuff to do today.

Episode 1
-I can't eat this, I'm a foodie.
-Well, before I made it in the stand up, I was a bucket drummer in the subway.
-Oh, yeah? Then how come I got sued for sexual harassment at it?
-You know how on St. Bart's people be eating their lobster like this? Nyoooom, nyoooom, nyoooom, nyoooom.
-Don't look at me in the eyes.
-Have I lost touch with my roots? I better talk to Rabbi Schmuli about this.
-I blame you and Dotcom. You have built a protective shell around me like a hermit crab or a mermaid booby. And now I've touch with the common man. Ehhhh. Who's that?
-Oh, hey, guy. Come on in. So Rolly, where you from?
-Right on, my brother. My dear friend Moby opened up a tea house in Park Slope. Does he know you?
-Hey, Rolly, you ever lose your remote control?
-And then your wife start getting all mad because the roof won't close and the bed that's in the shape of your face is getting rained on? Hahaha. I like you, Rolly. Can I feel the rough skin on your hands?
-What do you mean that was weird? You sheltered me too much! I'm going out on the street and I don't want nobody to follow me. Nobody. Uhmm. Which one is the elevator I'm not afraid of? RIGHT.
-Kenneth, how do I get out of this building?!
-Hello?
-Hello, is anyone there? I'm in a sort of tunnel and I see a man with a blue uniform. I think he's a friend. Oh, never mind, there's a door. Oh, it's sunny!
-Hello, fellow human being. Would you like to ask me what time it is?
-Are you a large child or a small adult?
-You look regular, could I get your name? Is it Pedro? Is it Creckford? Is it Swimming?
-Are you a pre-op transcentaur?
-Excuse me, do you have change for a $10,000 bill?
-I would like some chicken nuggets, a beer, and some of my wife's rice, to stay.
-Excuse me, sir, do you want to hold hands with a black millionaire?
-Does anyone want to be my friend?
-I'm normal!
-It's going super great, Dotcom. Meet my new friends, Nobody. And his wife Susan Walters Hyphen Nobody. I'm so far from my roots, I don't think I'll ever get back.
-What's that sound? Bucket drummers!
-These. These are my people. Bucket drummers, if you're striking, so am I. Two-four-six-eight-ten-twelve-fourteen-sixteen-eighteen.
-New what? If it's a blonde woman, I'm a kill myself!
Read the rest of this entry »

"Look at your fine self, you look like you should be married to the San Diego Padres."



Via @LMokaba and Punchline.

James Wolcott profiles Alec Baldwin. It's a good read, but nothing new, though I'm interested because Baldwin's career is so interesting. He's absolutely killing TV right now on 30 Rock, after killing Saturday Night Live all those years. He's been great in a couple good movies (as Wolcott notes), but doesn't have a big role in an important movie. How will we think about him in 20 years?

Oh, by the way, he's talking about retiring after 30 Rock...

So perhaps the smoke signals he’s sending up about retiring aren’t a bluff. But I can’t help but think that if he gets the chance to work with Meryl Streep again he won’t say no. That would be like turning down dessert, and he’s a cat who can’t resist cream.

Can't really complain with Bill Mann's 10 best TV shows of the decade, but I wouldn't have The Sopranos #1, I would have bumped The Shield for 30 Rock and had Friday Night Lights as an Honorable Mention. What do you supposed 6 Feet Under bumps out? Stewart/Colbert probably ought to be counted as one show. What do you think of the list? What were your favorite shows of the decade?

1. The Sopranos (HBO)
2. Deadwood (HBO)
3. The Wire (HBO)
4. The Colbert Report (Comedy Central)
5. The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (Comedy Central)
6. Mad Men (AMC)
7. Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)
8. Extras (HBO)
9. The Shield (FX)
10. The West Wing (NBC)
Honorable Mention: Countdown With Keith Olbermann (MSNBC); Weeds (Showtime); Fareed Zakaria GPS (CNN); The Office (BBC version).

Last week was Season 1 and a couple months ago was Season 3. And now, I give you, Everything Tracy Jordan Said in season 2 of 30 Rock.

These are submitted without context, which some people seem to like and others, not so much. There's a big internet out there, though, so if you don't like it, I'm sure there's something else for you.

Episode 1
-Yo, Ken, I'm'a use this whole the kitchen area as my bathroom, spread the word.

-She froze my credit cards, Liz Lemon, and she got custody of Griz. Can I keep my cockatiel in your office?

-Pop. What? I'm not apologizing, 'cuz for once in my life I haven't done anything wrong. How many years have you known me, Liz Lemon?

-So you know I like to minister to transvestite prostitutes.

-So Labor Day weekend I see this young she-dude at the dumpster by the 40/40. I pull over and I say you don't have to live your life like this. You can be a freaky-deaky and do data entry. What about court reporting? Believe in yourself.

-So as I reach in the trash and pull this dude out, a paparazzo jumps out and takes a picture of me.

-Whose gonna do my banking? Whose gonna write my blogs? Whose gonna do the cooking on Taco Wednesdays?

-So he's like my office wife?

-Kenneth Parcell, would you take this ring…and sell it in the Jewish part of midtown and use the money to get us a Nintendo Wii?

-I couldn't sleep at all last night. Angie kept my Sharper Image white noise aroma therapy machine. She knows I can't sleep without the sound of ocean and the smell of bacon.

-I'm not doing any of that.

-Great compromise, office wife.

-Liz Lemon, I need you to go my and pretend you're doing a survey for the Radford Group and then ask my wife if she's sleeping with DL Hugley.

-JS!

-What's up? Liz Lemon, me and this dude used to do stand up together. Remember the night we had the threeway with Elaine Boosler, haha?

-Oh yeah, you know what? I think that was a mirror.

-JS, this is my Kenneth.

-Mad at you, Ken, I seen the way you was looking at Seinfeld. You used to look at me like that. What, am I not a big enough star for you anymore?

-Oh no! Did a Korean person die?

-Don't do it, Liz Lemon. I know what me and Kenneth have looks perfect on the outside, but it's work, damn it. It's work.

Episode 2
-Yo, Ken. Angie and Griz is coming by to drop some of my stuff off.

-Yeah, but I want her to know that I'm having a good time on my own, so you should go get us some party hats. The pointy kind.

-No, cuz things have been said that cannot be taken back. She called my vanity license plate inscrutable! ICU81MI. Hilarious! Angie is in the past like Dracula and broadcast television.

-What, who?! That guy Mike that redid our driveway?... Nah, whatever. She should find someone new. Doesn't bother me!

-Oh.. Check this out. My key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Mm. Look at this, my gold record from that novelty party song. 'Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.'

-Yeah, I miss you, Griz.

-Hey, Ken!

-I only got 11-12 hour sleep last night. I got something on my mind grapes I need to talk to you about.

-I saw you hitting on Angie the other day. Seeing you with her. It opened my eyes.

-Yeah. All those years fooling around wasn't fair to her. So you gotta make it fair! I want you to go to my house and make love to my wife, Ken.

-My home address is in the GPS under 'Da Crib 'cuz we live on Dacrib Avenue. Now you go to Angie…And you make sure you pleasure her.

-What have I done? Kenneth should be back by now. What's going on over at my house? Ugh. No. No. Eww. I gotta stop this.

-I'm gonna kill you, Kenneth the page.

-It was a gesture, Angie. I'm saying I'm sorry.

-But, baby.

-What do you want? I'm willing to try anything.

-Alright. If that's what it takes. If that's what it takes.
Read the rest of this entry »

A couple months ago, I posted Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 3 of 30 Rock. I said if you guys wanted it, I'd go back and do Season 1 and Season 2. Well, you wanted it, so here's Season 1 and I'll post Season 2 next week.

As I said before, it's the combination of delivery and content that gets me and again, these lines were transcribed completely without context. A lot of times context makes them funnier and a lot of times lack of context does. Leave your favorite lines in the comments, enjoy!

Episode 1
-I am a Jedi. I am a Jedi. I am a Jedi.

-I'll have an apple juice.

-Then I'll take a vodka and tonic.

-I know who you are.

-Let me ask you a question, everyone at this table. Did he just say the word 'pumpkin' to me?

-Yo! I'm bugging. I can't do this. I cannot eat here. I can't eat here. I got to go to someplace where they make food that I like. Lemon, let's go.

-Ohh. Ohhh. Goodness gracious, you hooligans better watch out, cuz this honky grandma be tripping.

-Where's the love? Right on and let me get 2 half a chickens and some pecan waffles.

-Eat, Lemon, eat! I hate skinny women. Hey, Alana, 10 beers.

-Nah, I ain't doing it unless I get to do it my way. You know I want it to be raw. HBO style content.

-Cuz I want to drop truth bombs! You know how pissed off I was when US Weekly said that I was on crack? That's racist. I'm not on crack. I'm straight up mentally ill.

-You know I got mental health issues.

-Yeah, yeah, I like risky. See, me and you? We play the game. We know how to be acceptable. Hello, great meeting. I drink coffee, please. This show is our chance to break the shackles, cuz the white dudes want to see us fail.

-All of them. Jack Donaghy, General Electric, George Bush, Karl Robe.

-Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other. To distract us while white dudes inject aids into our chicken nuggets. That's a metaphor.

-Hey, Lemon, you like karaoke? I know a joint.

-I'll take you, I'll take you! I just gotta make a quick stop first.

-You know why I should do this TV show, Lemon?

-To get you rich! Cuz you know if I'm on that TV show it's going to blow up.

-Your teeth. You got to think like these strippers, Lemon. They know the window of opportunity is only open for a moment. You gotta get in while you're young, get the money, and get out.

-Neither do they! Yes, they do.

-Ohhhhlalalala. We're strong! No one can tell us we're wrong. Searching our heart for so long.

-Hell no!

-From Chicago? I was in Scottie Pippen's wedding.

-He fired Pete? He can't fire Pete.

-Mm?

-Mmhmm. Yeah, suck it, Pete.

-Hey, Lemon, I'll drop you off. Where do you live?

-I wanna see that.

-Oh. Oh. Pull over. Pull over here.

-Right here.

-This is where I grew up.

-Wasn't no Jordan family nothing. This is where I was in foster care.

-Me and two other dudes and a girl with messed up fingers.

-I'm so lucky I got out of here.

-About what?

-Alright.

-Excuse me, where's the manager? I'm from the government and I'm here to inspect your chicken nuggets.

-Uh, oh. Look at shorty. This honky grandma be tripping!

-Wassup, America? I'm coming into your house live! Let me hear you say we love you, Tracy!

-I am the third heat!

-Ahhh, yeah. Holla at your boy.

-I can't wait to do this with you every week. Haha!

Season 2
-How you feel, NBC tour? Cuz you look good like a solid gold candy bar!

-Give up the butt, ladies. Give up the butt!

-Jack! Haha! Oh my goodness. It's good to see you again, brother. It's good to see you again.

-Come on, Jack, now you know I'm the kid. I'm easy like Sunday morning. Don't look at me. Do not look at me in the eyes.

-Hey, Pete? You smoke weed, right, Pete? Me neither. Me and you, Pete. Me and you, heeheehee.

-Don't just sit there, come over here and give me some sugar.

-Well, if you ever want to piss your parents off, you come see me.

-Let me just say, I'm excited to be here. It's an honor for you to meet me. I got a lotta characters I'm ready to bust out. I got a character named Biscuit, write that up. Got another character named Renaldo who's a 2 foot tall Spanish hustler. Glasses, I want you to write that one. Got another character named Ching Chong who loves to play ping pong. I just made that up right now, cuz that's how I flow. Now I'm up for anything.

-No. I don't like that.

-So I said, 'Rick, this chick's got an Adam's apple. And, Rick said to me, I'll never forget this, 'Freakydeekys need love, too. Freakydeekys need love, too.'

-So, how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable?

-Nuh uh. Superman does good. You're doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.

-Lemon. Lemon. Can I be real with you? I haven't a real job in like, 2 years. I'm not used to all these, all these cue cards and all of that.

-You're right, I got this. Thanks for looking for me, Lemon. I'ma crush it. Let's show these people how a movie star does it.

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. I'm proud as a peacork, baby.

-What'd I say?

-Peacock, think peacock. Right, Jenna?

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. I'm proud as a peaCOCK, baby.

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. Right, Jenna Malbany?

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. I'm proud as a peacock. Right, my bologna?

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black, NBC. Very proud. Like peacocks. Right, Janet? I think we got it. I think we got it.

-Please, you can't hurt me. I did stand up on Rome, the crowd once threw a motorcycle at me.

-Which on is Toofer?

-Oh.

-Let's crash my car to see if the airbags go off.

-Mostly mad at you.

-Nah, nah, nah, nah. This is what we gonna do, Lemon. You gonna get everyone on my yacht. Harbor cruise, drinks, togetherness.

-I got a yacht, a solid gold jet ski, 2 Batmobiles, the AIDS monkey's bones..

-Welcome. Welcome to your fantasy.

-Oh, yeah. I've taken this boat many places. Miami, Tokyo, Denver.

-What?

-Oh, that's Spanish for remember your mother.

-My bologna? Look at you. Wow.

-Let me make you a drink. You love apple martinis, right?

-I read your interview in Amtrak magazine.

-Mmmhmm.

-I didn't know that. Hey Toofer, see if I got any Schnapps.

-It's for you. Take it, my friend.

-I hear you sing. I didn't know that. Why don't you sing something for me.

-I do.

-Hey, hey, Griz, don't wreck this boat!

-Don't worry. He was in the Navy.

-I'm Bill Cosby, Jello sweaters.

-You don't have to thank me, Lemmon, we're a team now. Like Batman and Robin. Like chicken and chicken container.

-It's Spanish for 'remember your mother'. I've taken this boat to Denver. You can have that Scotch. Griz was in the Navy.
Read the rest of this entry »

Anytime Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordan has a scene on 30 Rock, my brain shuts off and it's difficult to function. It's the combination of delivery and content, and there's hardly ever a scene throughout which, I'm not giggling foolishly. In celebration, I thought I'd post everything he said in 30 Rock Season 3. If you guys like it, I'll do Season 1 and Season 2, too.

Some of these lines are made funnier by adding context. For the most part, however, they're funnier without, so I didn't include any. Yes, this is basically a transcription of his lines without comment and I could have just copied and pasted out of the scripts. However, they're not online, so I watched every episode again, just for you. Leave your favorite lines in the comments, enjoy!

Episode 1
"It's official, I'm a genius. My video game is selling through the riznoof."

"61 million copies at 60 dollars each."

"I don't know, I think I did it alone, and this check is the priznoof."

"I know what you're hinting at, Liz Lemon. That I should get my rap career going again. [Whispering] All in due time."

"Nobles Oblige, yes. Let's go shopping. To the Bat Mobile!"

"Attention everyone. I'd like to thank everyone involved for making my video game the most profitable thing since the war on terra!"

"Yes, I am provocative!"

"Frank, for all your hard work, please accept this set of solid gold nunchuks."

"Petey Pete, for letting us use the sound booth, please accept this chinchilla coat."

"You're going to get so much nice nice in that, you're going to have to grow another ding-."

"Bev, [kissing] mwah. Now you look out for my girl Liz because me and her go way back like spinal chords and car seats."

"You're going to sue me? Who do you think you are, the San Diego zoo?"

"You can't sue me, I'm already being sued. Double indemnity!"

Episode 2
"Do you know who I am? Seriously, please, tell me who I am."

"Liz Lemon! Nemesis."

"OK, two can play at that game. Liz, could you please tell Kenneth that Liz wants him?"

"Mediation is a binding form of non-judicial dispute resolution."

"I watched Boston Legal 9 times before I realized it wasn't a new Star Trek."

"What? Please. We are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to black folks. It's like when Adrian Brody kissed Halle Berry at the Oscars."

"White people stole jazz, rock and roll, Will Smith, AND heart disease. Now they think they can take my hard earned money."

"Liz Lemon? That chick is dumb."

"Do you know it's still illegal to be black in Arizona."

"If it weren't for your people I'd still be in Africa. Gorgeous, politically stable, Africa."

"Whatever, you couldn't last one day in my shoes, Maroney, right, Toph?"

"OK, I will."

"Freaky Friday social experiment."

"Liz, it's Becky, your college roommate. See Liz Lemon, you're already treating me with more respect."

"You wait til I test this noise out on society. Minds will be blown."

"You can't fix this Liz Lemon, it's about race. It's about man and woman. It's about money. It's about being on TV. And no one understands all that."

"Hi strangers, do you think I'm sexy. Giggle, giggle, giggle."

"I'm meeting my girlfriends for brunch, I hope we can sit outside. Lipstick. Heeheehee."

"Good morning!"

"They ran out of white makeup because I insisted they do my buttocks."

"Good morning!"

"Jenna and I are doing a social experiment."

"I haven't seen Oprah since she did that episode about the worst celebrity dads."

"Uh, how you doing?"

"It's the way my world is right now."

"I've been hearing, but I haven't been listening."

"Lean on me, when you're not strong."
Read the rest of this entry »