Unlikely Words » 30 rock

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 5

aaron cohen — Mon, 09 May 2011 13:46:59 +0000

Here for your reading pleasure and nitpicky criticism is Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 5 of 30 Rock. As always, this is actually EVERYTHING he said, and is not intended to be a best of. This was a pretty analog exercise 2 years ago when I did it the first time, and it feels more so now. Theoretically, this should be a 20 minute supercut of all his lines for the season. There is, however, something interesting about seeing all of the lines in one place. You can also check out: Other seasons of Tracy Jordan, Everything Hurley Said, Everything Sawyer Said, Everything Locke Said, and Everything Don Draper Said.

Episode 1
-Yo. I'm calling to say that I'm giving you 110% this year. I'm relaxed. I'm focused. And I'm gonna be churning out the good stuff like you've never seen.
-Oh. I misdialed. I thought I was calling my nutritionist. Goodbye.
-Hey, KKKK. First day back is gonna be a busy one. First, I need you to go to the drycleaners for me and find out how Martinizing works. I've always been curious. Then, I need you to be back by noon to make the bathroom smell like sandalwood before I wreck it. You got that K-Pack of Gum.
-Of course. I knew that.
-Kenneth, I knew you'd come back. Let me smell your head.
-I'm sorry, but my heart is playing tricks on my eyes, just like my kidneys did to my lungs that time.
-I keep hallucinating Kenneth. Am I going crazy again? Should I get my rainbow wig out of storage?
-Like the World Cup. I'll try. No. This place is too full of memories. I've got to clear my head!
-No! You do not exist. I am in control of this.
-You're not real. If I threw you in front of a car, it would drive right through you.
-Of course it would. It would know everything I knew because it sprung from my imagination.
-Oh, no. I missed it! Do it again.
-I love you, Kenwood. Why don't you come back home to TGS. Pick the peas out of my fried rice. And the rice. I just want carrots.
-Don't you miss rubbing my foot back into the shape of a foot?
-I guess this is goodbye. Obviously, I'm gonna need the tote bag.
-Sure is, wanna go kiss in the prop cage?

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Episode 2
-I'm werewolfing myself.
-You know when a dude knows he's gonna turn into a werewolf and locks himself in a jail? Well, I'm embarrassed to say I've missed the birth of both of my sons…for very legitimate reasons.
-So I promised Angie I will not miss the birth of our daughter.
-And my mood ring! And I don't know how I feel about that.
-And good for you, Liz Lemon. There's something about you lately. Make me want to put my feet in your mouth.
-I can't leave my dressing room until Angie goes in to labor, but the president is saying we have to go outside.
-If I was a real werewolf, I'd wear baggy clothes so my nice clothes wouldn't get all torn up. Same rules for if I were the Hulk. I don't get why people like brunch. What's the benefit of combining breakdancing and lunch?
-You're not Griz! Ahh!
-I just gotta get to the hospital on Right There. Taxi! Sir, I don't have any money, but I need to get to Mount Sinai Hospital.
-Wow, it's like I always say, 'White cab drivers are weird.'.
-Explain the rules.
-So to be there for the birth of my daughter I have to answer trivia questions despite having gone to middle school in an Exxon station?
-Bring it.
-Come on, I don't know that.
-OK, I remember going to the Statue of Liberty Centennial cuz that year someone had spread a rumor that she was going to slip out of her toga and I wanted to see some green boobies. And that year the Mets had just won the World Series cuz that night I was randomly attacked by a Mets fan that I had thrown a pile doo at. That was 1986. And centennial is a hundred years because centipeding means having sex with a hundred women. I got it. 1886.
-She is an orca, Benjamin. FYI, they're very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.
-I'm coming, Angie!
-The Lazy Susan was invented by Thomas Jefferson. I know because I'm a descendent of Thomas Jefferson and Lazy Susan herself. The capital of the United Arab Emirates is Abu Dhabi. I know that because if I go back there, I'll be executed. There are twelve tons in the chromatic scale. [Singing] I know that because I'm a musical genius.
-Tracy Jordan. Hero. Husband. Diabetic slash alcoholic. Yes!
-Am I pulling it right?
-OK.
-It's still not opening.
-I'm trying to pull, you keep saying push.
-What you want me to do? You're yelling at me.
-I'm freaking out!
-Because I love you, baby, and I'll always be by your side no matter what Discovery Channel game show stands in my way. I wouldn't have missed whatever just happened here for anything. I don't know what I'd do without you. And I mean it.
-Why is that baby covered with goop?
-You ready for this, Jacky D?
-Explain.
-Jacky D, you want to make God laugh? Make a plan, or read him a Dave Barry book. You worried about being old, Jack? You could live forever, but you still can't predict what happens in life. Wait a minute, there's no baby in here.
-Oh, she's in the crib. Good.
-I hate to say I told you so, so, 'Welcome to Miami'.

Episode 3
-That's Tracy Jordan spelled backwards.
-Don't worry about it, Jacky D, I'm on it. Call Griz. I need someone around me who's not just a yes man.
-So, what do we want to see on TV? I personally love cop shows. I can't wait for Law and Order to start back up.
-Why? It was a tent pole. A tent pole!
-I'd like to see that incorporated in to your re-write. OK, meeting over.
-The only thing that worked in the read through was the dog.
-Good, and there's a lot of buzz. Can you hear it, too? Or is my tinnitus acting up. Hey, that food is for DotCom Productions only. TGS's food is backstage.
-Yo, Jacky D. I had dinner with Don Imus last night. He told the following joke…
-And thank you, Representative. What you're doing is very important. I can assure you that NBC is committed to making diversity, a priority. Then just walk away, and don't try to kiss her, Tracy. And don't say that last part.
-I'll kill you, white devil.
-I'm cutting that fat cracker's head off.
-Yes! Great fix, Griz.

Episode 4 (East Coast Version)
-Of course not. His album doesn't drop until December.
-It was funnier than the porn version and the best part is when the actors started cracking up. He laughed so hard they couldn't even finish the skit.
-I would like to do that, please.
-Crack up instead of saying these stupid lines I wrote.
-You never take my creative suggestions.
-And you should have. Those dudes were awesome. And so is my crack up idea.
-I promise. I swear on my mother's grape.
-Yes, goodbye.
-Gentlemen, tonight I'm going to laugh harder than I did at DotCom's play.
-Tracy Jordan in the house.
-That's an excellent question. Uh oh. I'm doing something called breaking. Bwahahahahah. Snort, heehee, giggle giggle. The audience loves this.
-I can't be, I'm missing that part of my brain.
-Why does anyone do anything? They're rich or they have attention deficit disor-Look at Lutz's shirt. Hahaha.
-Alright, no more laughing. Kraut's honor.
-Goodbye!
-Oh, no. My Oprah wig is falling off. This is an exciting mishap. This is live.
-Now my mustache is askew. Oops. That thing fell off. And that thing, too. Uh oh. Now my shirt is accidentally falling off. America.
-Goodnight!

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Episode 5
-Ah K-Swiz. I need to cancel my gig for hosting the MTV International Video Music Awards.
-I hate to bail, but I've been asked to do a commercial for the Boys & Girls Club of America, and I just can't turn down community service. Because if I do, that judge will make me join the Coast Guard.
-I don't watch the Macy's Parade. If I want to see a 50 foot Spiderman, I'll just go into my rec room. Thank you.
-I envy you. I don't really know my parents.
-What line?
-Scripts get in the way of my process, Sean. Let's just shoot a hundred of these and see what we get.
-What's my cue? You know what? It doesn't matter, I don't know my lines.
-We're causing a huge traffic while getting paid to make dreams. We're the luckiest people on Earth. Now someone get me a Jolt Cola. It does not exist anymore.
-I'm sorry, I have an erection. I think it's the sound of the skateboard. We're going again. Everyone safely back to 1.
-Shirt on or off, Sean?
-Good note, back to 1. Hey, Jacky D. Let's take a quick five hundred so everyone can meet Jack.
-Yeah! That's the kind of stuff I should be saying. It's in my head now, let's roll.

Episode 6
-I am a Jedi!
-Thank God I didn't [Bleep] anybody, and thank God I didn't [Bleep] myself.
-This is terrible. When I'm dead, that's what I'll leave behind? That's how my grandkids will remember me as they fly around in they jetpacks?
-It doesn't matter. That's how the world sees me, as some idiot millionaire.
-I seen my NBC News obituary, Jacky D. I look like a fool in it.
-Sure, I Google myself all the time. Like when Angie's not in the mood, or I'm alone in a hotel.
-I did not know that. That explains why Liz Lemon was so cool the other day.
-Liz Lemon, you mind if I Google myself in your office?
-Can I use your computer?
-Don't forget, I never listen!
-Who's Prince Hal?
-I don't know any of my lines!
-You know something Jacky D? That thing I said earlier about Prince Hal got me thinking. I've have to change my headline.
-No, no, no, Jacky D. I don't need your help, I'm Tracy Jordan. When I go to sleep, nothing happens in the world.
-Read back what we have so far.
-Why is this so hard? All I want to do is turn in to a worldwide hero overnight.
-That cat's a hero. If I save it, I'm a double hero.
-Ken, I need your help.
-Denied!
-You ready?
-I'll be right behind you.
-Yeah, let's go. If I won an Oscar, everyone would have to respect me. My obituary would read Oscar winner instead of children's soccer heckler. It would change my headline.
-I feel like I'm forgetting something. Huhhhh. I left Tracy Junior in Atlantic City!

Episode 7
-Make that all three of us. Uh, Jenna, a word. Specifically the word talking.
-J-Train, as you may know, I was in a film called, 'Hard to Watch', and the "pundits" think I have a "chance" at an "Oscar". And I just learned about "air quotes."
-I know this is difficult for you.
-Well, if you're OK talking about it, I need your help. These reporters want to come do a story on me. They're from something called the, uh, Hollywood Foreign Press Association.
-So, what do you think I should do?
-Be bad at snapping, got it!
-I'm not an expert at morality, but isn't that wrong?
-Hahahahaha.
-On the day, Kenneth's mouth will be filled with Wasabi so he don't do so much [talking sign].
-I'd like to thank you all for coming. We've heard complaints about the sushi platter moving. We're working on it.
-Well, definitely the foreign films. Like the political ones where you think there'll be no boobies, and then BAM, boobies.
-I think the better question is, 'What isn't an actor?' A lamp. A couch. That mirror. Or a hidden pistol. An actor-
-They call New York, The Big Apple. Never seemed that way to me. I used to have dreams. I was an All City running back. And I was gonna run out of here. To college. To the suburbs. Now the only thing I use a football for is as a toilet. Funny thing to happen to a guy named Lucky.
-I can go to jail in DeSean's place, cuz he's my brother. Don't say nothing. Sometimes you gotta do the right thing. Even when the wrong thing is a whole lot easier. Now let's just have one last happy dinner together. As a family.
-I have them right where I want them. Time to do a little Golden Globe shopping.
-Sabotage, but I'm the one who does that to me.
-Wait, great like good? Or grate like the thing I dropped my asthma inhaler down the other day?
-No, Liz Lemon. It's like the thing I said in another movie I made. Compromises are for lesser souls. Die werewolf zombie.
-Too small.

Episode 8
-Hey, LL, sorry we haven't had time to get in to our costumes yet.
-They hate when one of us wins.
-Your boos are not scaring me. I know most of you aren't ghosts.
-How did you know that? You're like Rain Man. Quick, how many toothpicks are on the ground?
-You need to go to Vegas.
-Too small.
-You probably said 'Fortnight.'
-And I'm the nerd who takes off his glasses and everyone realizes he's handsome.
-Can they? Look at me. I'm Ogbert the nerd. Always have been, always will be.
-My glasses are dirty.

Episode 9
-Hey, what was that sound? It was opportunity knocking.
-You were right, Donald. It makes more sense for you to enter first.
-OK, you remember Donald. My son who's 2 years older than me.
-You wouldn't believe this, but that business failed. I blame Obama. But the good news is, Donald has a brand new venture. Sell him, son.
-So it's decided, Jack's on board as an investor.
-So. It's. Decide-
-What is Senor Mexico saying? Stop keeping me out the loop.
-Damn it, you think I don't know that? I poured more cash into Donald's restaurant than my money pit in Connecticut.
-No, I do not. Jack, I need other investors besides me.
-That's what I call my wallet. I bankroll every one of his dumb ideas, but what choice do I have? I'm his father.
-Come on, the boy is only 43 years old.
-But I can't crush his dreams.
-And I bankrolled that, too. Thank God we tested that with a monkey first.
-Hahaha.
-Unemotional, got it.
-I just love you so much.
-It is true, little man. But I need you to be a big boy on this. You're just not meant to be a business man.
-Too late, look how we're positioned.
-Cough, nerd.
-And it's going to work, son.

Episode 10
-Liz Lemon, I can not participate in this promo.
-Because it's not honest! As an actor, it is my job to tell the truth, hold a mirror to humanity, and sell Proactive. I will not spout your lies, Liz Lemon, and I will not say, "Merry Christmas, Kabletown."
-Thanks, K-L-M-N-O-P, I've been waiting for this.
-Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the life of Althea Chump. Damn, that's funky.
-Yeah, well, this sequel is never coming out. I bought the rights so this movie is never being released.
-That's the problem, Ken. It's 67 minutes of me acting like a hilarious fool. If this movie comes out before the Golden Globes, it'll ruin my new image.
-No, I don't. I'm lying. My favorite thing in the world is making people laugh, but I can't now. I had to go on Charlie Rose, Kenneth. Charlie Rose.
-I have no choice. I gotta stay serious. From now on, the only movies Tracy Jordan makes are about the Holocaust, Georgia O'Keefe, or both.
-I'm here picking up a serious outfit from wardrobe for my event later.
-Screening my very sad movie, 'Hard to Watch' at a women's shelter. It's gonna be real depressing.
-In the Darfur region, the dead may be the lucky ones. Next slide.
-What else can I do, Kenneth? People only take you seriously if you're serious.
-Ladies of the battered women's shelter, please be quiet, a man is talking. You're about to watch a film that holds a mirror up to your own terrible lives. You're gonna see poverty, drug abuse, and a bunch of babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster.
-Damn it, I can't get Kenneth out of my head.
-Well, he's right. People do need to laugh, and I'm the medicine.
-Something I should have done a long time ago.
-Shut up, DotCom.
-Ladies and children, I give you the Chumps 2, a Very Chunky Christmas.
-Damn Christmas lights blew a fuuu-----.
-Oh, Holy Night. The stars are brightly shining. It is the night of the dead savior's birth and I hope everybody, everybody have a very merry Christmas and someone need's to clean this table up, it's disgusting.
-Merry Christmas from the Chunks.

Episode 11
-Liz Lemon, I want it to be noted that I am here on time. This is a new year and a fresh start for me. Now I gotta go.
-I'm hosting the International Pornography Awards and I have to go get an insurance physical so I can fly in to the arena in a penis shaped parachute.
-What, no?!
-What, no?!
-But I can't die, Dr. Spaceman. Who will be there to raise my kids if I'm not around to pay someone to raise my kids?
-Well, we tried.
-Thanks, Jack for coming to this emergency meeting. I'm sorry I'm 4 hours late, but my alarm clock didn't go off because it died in a cock fight last night.
-Well, it's come to my attention that I'm going to die.
-And if you need to make millions of dollars but have no real skills or education, the best place to do it is in entertainment. I mean look at me, hahahah.
-I can't even find Mexico on a map. Hahahaha.
-Don't even get me started on marriage. Thank you.

Episode 12
-Hi
-I don't know. After I've won a bunch of awards for my movie, it's not going to get better.
-Good question, Liz Lemon. When you win an Oscar, it opens up an elite level of actor craziness. Throwing telephones at hotel employees, speaking to the UN about some messed up crap in Africa, and I'm definitely getting a private island.
-Every crazy A-Lister owns an island, Nicolas Cage, Celine Dion, Charles Widmore. This is a whole new world in front of me, LL. I'm like Stout Cortez.
-He's my gardner, he's easily amazed.
-Oh, I'm sorry, that was misleading. I'm not gonna rehearse. I'm gonna get a sandwich and then eat it on the toilet.
-Of course, I'm just continuing my consistent professional behavior. Let's laugh together, friend. Hahahah.
-Let's do it again from the top. I want to get it perfect because perfection is my middle name. 'Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy.'
-Of course, friend. Teamwork is the key to success.
-OK, no problem.
-No, I wasn't going to buy 2 blimps and crash them in to each other to see what sound they made.
-Never better. I'm has happy as a clam that wants to kill some woman.
-Love you more.
-[Singing] Shut your mouth, I am finished taking orders from you, and I think that you're a four-eyed douche.
-[Singing] That's too bad, but if I sing you can not do anything. To make me look bad on your TV show. And also let me say that Liz is a ho. A dirty ho.
-[Singing] Unlike me who is good, as you can tell from this rhyme.
-[Singing] Woahohohoahooooowoahoooo
-LL, please. I'm way ahead of you. And I'm not rehearsing, I'm going to shoot garden gnomes with a handgun at Tupac's house. Yeah, Tupac is alive, I bet you'd like to have that on your show.
-Oh, that explains it. Those are gloves, no wonder they're so course and wrinkly.
-Hahahah. You wore a yellow hat to that coffee shop. You know what's actually funny about all this, you think I'm the problem. Have you ever tried to work with you?
-Five years ago, I saved your show. I rode in here on a white horse that you made me leave in the lobby. All you do is stifle me when you should be thanking me.
-This honky grandma be tripping over Surf Master's midrange jet skis.
-But then I would run you over with a jet ski.
- Five years ago, I saved your show.
-You snarted in my dressing room?
-That footage can not be shown on television, I'm trying to buy an island over here.
-And I have no reason to hug her other than my love of having boobs pressed against me.
-And I wound anticipate your angling and I would get there.
-I would get there.
-Of course, friend.
-Never better.
-Love you more!
-How do I get that boob squish?
-Don't you already said it all on the show. You said it all.
-I got there.

Episode 13
-Do not mention the underwater city of Zarodicon, got it.
-That's nice. Actors deserve gifts. Without us, who would present awards to actors?
-Wow. I always wanted one of these. The box will make a perfect coffin for my teddy bear.
-You taking my nephew's virginity.
-You take it, I don't care. I want you to selfishly take the best sweatshirt in the world.
-Hello. Good sweatshirt to you. How are you sweatshirting that sweatshirt?
-I want that sweatshirt.
-Was I supposed to throw up in something of mine?
-And I can take it back. I'm the star here. And it there's only one sweatshirt, the star should have it. Look how grey it is. Let me just hold it for one second.
-Stop! Sweatshirty is a boy!
-Don't listen to her. She's not me.
-The story begins when dolphins ruled the Earth.
-Really?
-Congratulations. I am not interested in Godfather duties.
-I'm sorry we were stressing you out. We shouldn't do that. It'll turn a child into Dracula.
-Oh, man!
-Do you need some liniment rubbed on your perineum?
-Why would you pretend to help Jack? Help him for real. It takes the same amount of time.
-You will be punished, can I have my nunchucks back?
-What? Who is the black guy?

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Episode 14
-Clear.
-I'll need a whale saddle.
-Kate Capshaw's husband?
-Pop Tart.
-As am I, Liz Lemon. It'll probably involve a guitar playing chimpanzee that I bought this morning.
-Uh. Hold on. DotCom is confirming that he drowned.
-Why are you putting me in a suit? I still have to memorize my Torah passage.
-Speaking? That doesn't sound like me. That sounds like work.
-I'm not scared of you people and I don't think those cashews look like a bowl of baby fetuses. Being is an EGOT is fun. Here's to me, spending the rest of my life in rooms like this.
-Breakfast with Chuck Schumer? I don't want to watch that guy eat. 5K homeless walk? That just seems cruel. Cornell commencement address? Sorry, but Tracy Jordan doesn't do safety schools. The next level sucks.
-Yes. Just now.
-But my incompetence knows no bounds.
-I don't remember saying you could listen to that conversation, but continue.
-Al Sharpton would denounce me in a press conference on the street because Al Sharpton doesn't have an office.
-I thought going to the next level would be amazing, Ken, like guitar playing chimpanzee amazing. God bless and keep him. But now everybody expects me to do all of this stuff and I don't want to let anyone down, but I'm scared.
-Kenward, I was thinking about what you said and you're right. I'm Oscar winner Tracy Jordan, and as scary as it is, I have a responsibility to fix the world starting with the worst place ever.
-Africa. I leave today. Goodbye.
-It's amazing, this morning I taught the local school children all the words to Monster Mash.
-Don't you think that this is bigger than all that? Like how an ant is much bigger than a smaller bug.
-I have to go, this was a really good decision. Goodbye, Kenny.
-Yup. Really good decision.

Episode 15
Tracy Jordan didn't say anything.

Episode 16
Tracy Jordan didn't say anything.

Episode 17
-I know the photo shoot for Randi's dog's funeral is the wrong place to tell you this, but uh, I'm going to Africa.
-Angie, look what the banister did to me.
-Let's roleplay.
-Our boat exploded.

Episode 18
-I'm doing God's work here in Africa. Why just yesterday I kicked 2 naked people out of a garden.
-Bamonoshiki, click, click, click. Yeah, that's right. I just put you in your place in African.
-Africa's great. We got juju monsters, gumgum trees, and horseicorns, which is a unicorn with a horse's head.
-Oh sure. Ladysmith Black Mombazo, Paul Simon, Invictus.
-Crazy! They had the snowiest winter in years in New York. In Africa.
-Uh oh, night time. Gotta go to bed or I'll anger the gods. They must be crazy. Africa.

Episode 19
-Well, well, well. You found me, after I ordered Thai food and gave you my address.
-Hang on. Something not's right. Why is Jeremy acting so weird? I don't like this.
-Uh oh. Jeremy, call me when you're alone.
-Black statue.
-What are you mad about? I'm waiving the $60 thousand dollars you owe me in appearance fees.
-Really? Think about it. TGS is your whole life so where's the last place you would be if you were out trying to save your show. Home! Life lesson from an unlikely source.
-I know, I've seen you do it.
-You're having a dream. Is this your only mustard?
-And yet you still don't have the one I'm thinking of. It's red. It says 'ketchup' on it. Oh. I hear it. That's on me.
-You don't think I want to, LL.
-As a timesaver, I will refer to the two of you as Klemon. I wanted that next level, Klemon. Now remember to save time, you two are Kemon. It's a combination of-
-I had everything I dreamed of. Awards, respect, Justin Long's autograph. But I also got expectations. People thought I could change the world and it's too much pressure. Like that time I got caught in Temple Grandin's hugging machine at the Golden Globes party.
-I'm sorry I did this to you, half of Klemon. Sean Penn wanted me to go to Haiti with him, and I'm not strong enough for the pain and human misery of a three hour plane ride with Sean Penn. I'm tired of hiding. I just want my old life back.
-It's not a leash, it's a very long skin tag.
-Because I had worn it to their wedding. It was special to the three of us.
-I have to burn all my goodwill, then they won't expect anything from me.
-Tracy Jordan is off the leash.

Episode 20
-Jesus was black.
-Why don't you shut your mouth, back that ass up, and make me a sandwich?
-I lied to all you ugly, white ladies. I didn't go to Africa. I was hiding in a warehouse in Queens watching vintage pornography.
-No, it's unbrave. You should hate me.
-What does that even mean?
-Yaaargh. Yaaargh.
-It was a disaster.
-I'm so reloved I can do no wrong. Now everyone's after me. Unicef, the Gates Foundation, and what is Farm Aid? Is it a drink? Is it a truck? Is it a bandage you put on a barn? See, that's the kind of lazy stand up I'll never do again.
-FU, LL, spells full. Because you're full of BS, Liz Lemon.
-You better be right, Liz Lemon, because I can't take much more of this. I think Bono got in my limo.
-I am a Jedi!
-No. No!
-I'm back, Liz Lemon.
-No, I mean I'm back to where I was yesterday. I can't get anyone mad at me. I even called a women's basketball team, 'nappy headed hoes'. Apparently, I'm aloud to talk like that. Why?
-Tracy who? I don't even know who I am anymore.
-There are tears falling on her boobies, Liz Lemon.
-I know you've been molested. That's how we all got here. But I don't want to hear about it.
-But I wasn't even supposed to say that. The line was, 'Tyrene, I hope Dr. Muguto has good news about my endoscopy', but I couldn't say that so they told me to improve.
-You see what you've done, Liz Lemon?
-Yeah, this is my front. Thanks for setting me up with another classic quote.
-You can keep it. I'm just packing up a few things and then I'm gone.
-I'm quitting show business. I can't stop the horrible respect people have for me.
-Of course, this is all off the record.
-But you don't understand.
-No, thank you.
-That's crazy. A man name Elia. That's a giraffe's name.
-Shoot someone, huh? Nah. That's crazy even for us.
-Hahahahaha.
-I'm sorry, Ken, but maybe Jenna was right. The only way I could come back is if I shoot someone, and that's crazy. Or is it? Maybe that's a good idea.
-I should shoot you on the roof of 30 Rock.
-I can not promise you that, Ken, I'm a horrible shot.
-We all have doubt, Ktel Records, but we made a decision, and we'll look stupid if we don't follow through.
-My bad. That was an accident.
-Don't startle me when I'm holding a gun. Use your head, Liz Lemon.
-I didn't know that, Jack. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get people to stop respecting me.
-Yes, even more than I want to shoot Kenneth.
-Let's make some TV.
-I'm back…everybody…you're welcome…for the adventure…my absence…woo…provided.
-The Grimace Foundation, Jerry. Keeping milkshakes purple for over a thousand years.

Episode 21
-Great impression of a guy that sucks, DotCom. Look, we've got a lot of work to catch up on.
-What are you laughing about?
-No, no, no, no, no. You three are not allowed to have inside jokes that I'm not a part of. I can have inside jokes that you're not a part of, for example, 'hot feet', or, 'ask Melissa about it.' But my entourage serves me, and, 'smooth move, Ferguson' is not funny to me, so it is forbidden. Understand? Next order of business, Griz' DVD reviews of this weekend.
-I knew it. I knew you were saying that behind my back.
-I knew you wouldn't stop and now your failure leaves us only one option. Explain to me why, 'smooth move, Ferguson' is funny.
-That story is not funny.
-Then I will be. We are going to recreate all the events surrounding 'smooth move, Ferguson,' exactly as they occurred. Maybe then we can get on with our lives. Let's get to work.
-Now that I've killed that bug, I'd like to call this 'smooth move, Ferguson' recreation meeting to order. Kenneth, report.
-Get a rain machine. Look, here, take my credit card, use it to break in to a special effects warehouse to steal one.
-Security footage, DotCom licks the subway steps. These are solvable problems.
-JMo, how long would it take for your hair to grow back?
-You know I do.
-Then we'll reconvene in three weeks. Meeting is adjourned. Oh, my God. What happened to my bug?
-K9. Operation Ferguson status report.
-Was DotCom standing that gay?
-Hey, what's my boy KJ doing on TV?
-Yeah, we did a movie together that he directed and co-starred in.
-Death to the CIA. Let us all increase production of millet and sunflowers!
-It was either that or play a rapping doorman in a Kate Hudson movie.
-Hahahahahahaha. I get it now, it's so funny. Everyone laugh. Now, you sons of bitches.
-OK, but you might not like what I have to tell you. Kim Jong Il sometimes shoots in the close up too much. Comedy lives in the wide shot. And also, this is going to be rough, his acting notes are often vauge.
-Smooth move, Ferguson, hahaha. Smooth move, Ferguson-
-It's not about the joke. It's about what the joke represents, you monsters.
-I came back and you were fine without me. You laughed without me. And that was our special thing, but no. You thought 'smooth move, Ferguson, was so hilarious.
-You dropped a bomb, K, continue.
-Wahahwhwaah. Don't ever tell me what to do. Quadhug, me in the middle. And also due to a paperwork mishap, you will not be getting paid this month.
-Yeah!
-I don't have to listen to this.
-The leads are weak.

Episode 22
-Heyyyyy.
-Fore! Oh my God. Liz? It's Tracy. From work!
-I just bought everything around this house. It's supposed to be a nice area except for the "new element" everyone keeps telling me. Look, I've got a long night of shooting guns in the air ahead of me, you mind if I take a nap here?
-If I start screaming in my sleep, do not wake me up. I will attack you.
-Ahhhhhh wake me up. Free me from this. Ahhhhh.
-Liz Lemon.
-The party hasn't started. That's just the guys setting up. Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I'm trying to get a humming bird to drink out of my penis.
-Oh, I'm sorry. You didn't want to live next door to your friend, after all I've done for you? How many times have I come over and painted your apartment?
-Or maybe you're saying we're not friends. That's fine. I don't think it'll effect my behavior next season.
-Great! I'll come over tomorrow morning.
-Fore! Hey, guys! It's me, Tracy. The black guy from work.
-I hooked a ball on to a truck on the Long Island Expressway and Tracy Jordan doesn't take mulligans. Good thing you had to move out of that house. Some idiot rammed his boat that I was driving in to it.

###

Possibly related posts:

Tracy Morgan on Tina Fey or Sarah Palin

aaron cohen — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 17:01:13 +0000

My favorite part about this video is that before Tracy said Sarah Palin was good masturbation material, he was very clearly going to say, "Both of them at the same time." Everything Tracy Jordan Said indeed.

In TNT's apology, they interestingly criticized Tracy, but not the hosts who set him up.

Via The Daily What

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Possibly related posts:

List of Possible EGOT Winners

aaron cohen — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 19:40:46 +0000

folkinz made a list of folks he thinks have a real shot at earning EGOT status. I'm not sure anyone belongs on this list if they have only won one of the four (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony). Obviously Bette Midler and Lily Tomlin are the favorites having won 3 of the 4 needed, but also because it's not impossible to imagine them winning Oscars (you know, in the way that it's impossible to imagine Gwyneth Platrow winning a Grammy)

# cher (E, G, O)
# jamie foxx (G, O)
# catherine zeta-jones (O,T)
# jennifer hudson (G, O)
# lily tomlin (E, G, T)
# gwyneth paltrow (O)
# kevin spacey (O)
# nicole kidman (O)
# renee zellweger (O)
# scarlett johansson (T)
# anne hathaway (E)
# joaquin phoenix (G)
# reese witherspoon (O)
# hugh jackman (E, T)
# justin timberlake (E, G) oscar may be a stretch i know.
# meryl streep (E, O)
# bette midler (E, G, T)

Incidentally, there have been 12 EGOT winners (or 10 if you're a stickler).

###

Possibly related posts:

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 4

aaron cohen — Wed, 26 May 2010 12:27:58 +0000

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Last year, I put together a transcript of Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 3 of 30 Rock. You guys liked it and I subsequently put together Everything Hurley Said, Everything Sawyer Said, Everything Locke Said, Everything Don Draper Said, and a the first two seasons of Everything Tracy Jordan Said. Here is Season 4. This season, Tracy Jordan had a few great lines, specifically in Episodes 18 and 21. As always, these are ALL of Tracy Jordan's lines from Season 4. If you're looking for a best of list or this isn't your thing, there's plenty of other internet out there for you. It's going to take a second to get through, so be careful if you have stuff to do today.

Episode 1
-I can't eat this, I'm a foodie.
-Well, before I made it in the stand up, I was a bucket drummer in the subway.
-Oh, yeah? Then how come I got sued for sexual harassment at it?
-You know how on St. Bart's people be eating their lobster like this? Nyoooom, nyoooom, nyoooom, nyoooom.
-Don't look at me in the eyes.
-Have I lost touch with my roots? I better talk to Rabbi Schmuli about this.
-I blame you and Dotcom. You have built a protective shell around me like a hermit crab or a mermaid booby. And now I've touch with the common man. Ehhhh. Who's that?
-Oh, hey, guy. Come on in. So Rolly, where you from?
-Right on, my brother. My dear friend Moby opened up a tea house in Park Slope. Does he know you?
-Hey, Rolly, you ever lose your remote control?
-And then your wife start getting all mad because the roof won't close and the bed that's in the shape of your face is getting rained on? Hahaha. I like you, Rolly. Can I feel the rough skin on your hands?
-What do you mean that was weird? You sheltered me too much! I'm going out on the street and I don't want nobody to follow me. Nobody. Uhmm. Which one is the elevator I'm not afraid of? RIGHT.
-Kenneth, how do I get out of this building?!
-Hello?
-Hello, is anyone there? I'm in a sort of tunnel and I see a man with a blue uniform. I think he's a friend. Oh, never mind, there's a door. Oh, it's sunny!
-Hello, fellow human being. Would you like to ask me what time it is?
-Are you a large child or a small adult?
-You look regular, could I get your name? Is it Pedro? Is it Creckford? Is it Swimming?
-Are you a pre-op transcentaur?
-Excuse me, do you have change for a $10,000 bill?
-I would like some chicken nuggets, a beer, and some of my wife's rice, to stay.
-Excuse me, sir, do you want to hold hands with a black millionaire?
-Does anyone want to be my friend?
-I'm normal!
-It's going super great, Dotcom. Meet my new friends, Nobody. And his wife Susan Walters Hyphen Nobody. I'm so far from my roots, I don't think I'll ever get back.
-What's that sound? Bucket drummers!
-These. These are my people. Bucket drummers, if you're striking, so am I. Two-four-six-eight-ten-twelve-fourteen-sixteen-eighteen.
-New what? If it's a blonde woman, I'm a kill myself!

Episode 2
-Liz Lemon, you booger face. I'm going to kill you with a bazooka.
-I bought my wife that dumb book of yours and the more Angie reads it, the madder she gets at me.
-No, it's off me. A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber factory. It's on you, Liz Lemon, and you will be punished.
-Congratulations, Liz Lemon, now Angie wants a break. So instead of going to a hotel or my hotel, which I can not find, I'm staying with the woman that started this problem in the first place.
-Oh, yeah. There's a garbage bag in the hallway with a reef shark in it. Just put him in the tub with a reef. What's for dinner tonight? I want pierogies.
-Tracy and Liz's residence. Tracy speaking.
-It's Jenna, from work.
-Too soon.
-What's wrong, roomie?
-Hahahah.
-Hahahah
-Hahahaha
-Hahahah.
-Tracy and Liz's. Tracy speaking
-Now that we're all up, do you want to talk about the elephant in the room?
-I mean the figurative elephant. Liz, I been reading your book. Now I see why Angie's mad at me. 'If your man has seven cell phones, but won't give you any of the numbers, that's a deal breaker. If your man has a diamond necklace that says, 'Open Marriage', that's a deal breaker.' Liz Lemon. Every little thing I've done is in here. You used me to write your book!
-You stole my life, and you're gonna pay for it.
-I'll take all of them.
-She doesn't like to refill the Brita.
-And I will take the top half, for that is the half with the face.
-Something humiliating.
-Thank you, Jack.
-I'm willing to go splittsies.
-That's a pun on Amadeus, dummy. I will not be judged by you. You caused this whole Pharaoh. Until you are adequately debased, you will subsidize my predilection for erotica. And, oh yeah, I used your credit card to buy an vocabulary course from the teaching company.
-Affirmative.
-Everyone settle. And action!
-And cut! This is disgusting. Shut it down.

Episode 3
-I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.
-Orange and black decorations. Is this Halloween or Princeton Parent's Weekend? I don't know whether to be scared or proud of my cousin.
-Proud it is.
-He's in Cabo?
-What do you mean?
-Yeah, right. That's not a real thing.
-This is gonna be the scariest Princeton Parent's Weekend ever!
-Jack, you have to help me. I'm gonna die any minute.
-Celebrities, they always die in groups of three. Two already died and I might be the next to go.
-I gotta go somewhere where nothing will happen to me. Can you get me on Charlie Rose?
-Keep refreshing, maybe Andy Dick has died in the last 20 seconds.
-No, I have to take matters into my own hands. Boo!
-Hey, Betty. It's TJ.
-So how you feeling? Any arm pain, shortness of breath, plans to investigate corruption in Russia.
-Umm, no.
-You look clean. You a celebrity?
-No, celebrity.
-Perfect, I'll show you the shortcut.
-Yes, Queen Latifah's friend. I'm sure.
-I'm sorry, Ken, but I want to live.
-Ahhhh.
-I can't. I don't wanna die.
-What's wrong, Ken? That hatchet isn't real, is it?
-That's three! Tell my wife I went to Philadelphia on business! Yeah ha!

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Episode 4
-Jennifer M. Why are you so worked up?
-Nothing's gonna change. They're gonna hire some skinny white guy. How is that a threat? You'll do your lady characters and I'll get on stage and people will laugh even when I forget my, um, my…line?
-Lines.
-Oh, yeah, I forgot, Dotcom, you know everything about acting because you played a bird in some stupid school play, hahahahaha. Hahahah.
-Where?
-He's Evil Tracy? Oh, he's evil comma Tracy. Go on.
-Dotcom? Oh no. I once saw that guy BECOME Trigorin at the Wesleyan Art Space. That guy is good. I can't compete with him.
-OK, let's go.
-I repeat. All funny gays into the car.
-We need the funniest fool to step forward.
-That'll work.
-And this is a reimbursement form for my gas. I drove a million miles.
-Paranoia! Where?
-Was describing your sandwich necessary to our understanding of what happened?
-Tell me more.
-And that freaks people out, huh? This is a learning and friendship adventure.
-Hey, Dotcom. Nice to meet you.
-Who, Brian Williams?
-My two cents, I liked the janitor.

Episode 5
-Hey, Jackie D. I hope the new dude isn't hard to work with like some people I know.
-Liz Lemon, you are blowing up like a balloon with a grenade in it.
-When I first got big, I made bad business decisions, too. Which is how I stuck having to plug Wade Boggs Carpet World 5 times whenever I appear on screen.
-Wade Boggs Carpet World. Wade Boggs Carpet World. Wade Boggs Carpet World.
-He knows your special like a black stripper with blue eyes. You have to test the marketplace.
-And one last piece of advice, Liz Lemon, from someone who has been on this side of the business for a long time. Wade Boggs Carpet World.
-From now on, I shall call us the Problem Solvers.
-Yo, Ken, do you have a problem that needs solving?
-Always have been, always will be.
-It's not about the room, Danny. It's about the man. Any room around here you see with a door, you make it your bathroom.
-Ken, you don't want to be a page forever.
-What? No, I mean, what's your dream job? Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
-So, someday you could be my boss.
-No, I'll brush my own teeth. Now I don't want you to have any resentments towards me. From now on, I don't want you to do anything for me.
-Hey, Jackie D. What's wrong? You're not your usual giggly self.
-Just to be safe, let's do both.
-You're not really capturing the sexual energy of it, but that was the message.
-Well, I could introduce you to my boy, Scotty Shofar.
-Hell, yeah. I'm a frequent guest of sports shouting.
-Ahhhhhhhhh.
-Nah, introducing you to Scotty probably wouldn't solve your problems with Jack.
-I don't know, all white people look the same to me, Pete.
-That's what Danny was saying. We have to be cool to everybody. Because the future is like a Japanese game show. You have no idea what's going on.
-That was abooot the coolest thing I've ever seen.
-Nine hours.
-He knows what I want before I do.
-I wanted waffles.
-Yayyyyyyy.
-Do you have a problem? Then call the Problem Solvers.
-Taxes got you down? Wasps in your crawl space?
-Call the Problem Solvers.
-Because after all, what's a problem but an opportunity disguised as a stripper having a seizure on your boat?
-Mouse in your house?
-We are the Problem…Solvers.
-That was a good rehearsal, now let's record it. And we're rolling.

Episode 6
-It's take your black kid to work day.
-Every day. I thought having a family was going to be like the Cosby Show. 'Oh, no, Vanessa went to a concert. Oh, no, Rudy and I are making a sandwich for 25 minutes.' The Cosby Show was a lie. Having a family can be the worst. For example, I have a strip club story from this weekend I need to tell you, Jackie D. It is disgusting. But I can't because I got this little D-Bag here.
-And yet, you won't tell me.
-Woah, woah, woah, woah. I mean, that's a big decision. Having a family is also the best thing a man can…He's gone. So my story. So I'm in the strip club with Charles Barkley and one of the hobbits…Damn it, I can't live like this. I'm getting a vasectomy, too!
-The Cosby Show lied to me.
-Trying to get someone to move out? May I suggest what got my neighbors to move out? Black person moved in, scared them off.
-I gotta lot of good ideas. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take my son to my vasectomy because the Cosby Show lied to me and I cannot tell an amazing strip club story.
-Sure, I know how to do that. You lied to me, Bill Cosby, you lied to me. Uh, oh. Here comes my hallucination.
-Denise, Vanessa, Sandra the boring one? It's your father, I'm having a Cosby Show hallucination.
-Theo, what's going on here? Did Rudy make a mess with the juicer again? Vanessa was supposed to be watching her and not upstairs gossiping on the phone.
-Your adorable sister and your sister.
-That's why my life is not like the Cosby Show. I only have boys and boys are disgusting. I need a baby girl. Don't patronize me. Stop laughing, it's not funny. I need a baby girl. Don't snip my vas deferens.
-Wake up, Tracy. Wake up. I don’t want a vasectomy Dr. Spaceman. I need to go back in time. Why did I sell my Delorean to Mr. T?
-Jackie D, I need a baby girl!
-What made you change your mind?
-Well, I hope he makes me an across helmet so I don't get hurt playing across. Now, come on, that's pretty solid for a guy who just came out of a hallucination.
-Frank, I'm gonna have a daughter, and I would never tell that story. It's demeaning to women. Especially if they've had their boobies sneezed on by a tiger.

Episode 7
-Uh, Liz Lemon. I need to talk to you.
-Come over here and check out my corner. No trap.
-Come over here, I said, in my normal tone of voice.
-Liz Lemon, recently I realized that I have a hole in my heart and not the one I got from eating batteries. It's because I don't have a daughter.
-I want a baby girl, Liz Lemon. I mean having a daughter is like going to the NBA All Star weekend. It changes you. Makes you want to take your wife to the doctor.
-I'm glad you feel that way because Angie's on her way up and I want you to tell her for me.
-Oh, yes you are. Click.
-I said click to distract you from the sound of the hand cuffs.
-You did good.
-What are you implying? I'm a very attentive father.
-There was a better kid's birthday party up the street.
-Your hair did? You just got your hair did. You have to get your hair did again?
-Racist!
-You know what? Keep your hair appointment. I'll do the Christmas shopping to prove to you I can be reliable and that I can finish everything that I…
-I need a special gift for my wife. Something that says, "I'm responsible." Something simple. Classy.
-Yes, perfect. What's that? I want it. I forgot why I originally came in here.
-Sure, I know him from the secret black people meetings. Nah, I'm just kidding. He's not invited. But who's an EGOT?
-That's a good goal for a talented crazy person. Nah, that was earlier. I want this.
-Marco!
-Marco!
-No need, I got something better than presents for you and the kids. I got us all this EGOT necklace for me.
-It's not dumb, it's smart. This necklace is a life goal. I'm going to win me an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony.
-I am gonna EGOT. For us, for the family and especially for little Chewbaquina Jordan.
-Great. I'll be in touch. You still use your Hotmail account?
-I'd first like to thank my creative team for coming here on such short notice and I'm sorry I'm four hours late. Dotcom, research update.
-That's good raw data, now turn it over to Griz for analysis.
-Kenneth, synthesize Griz' analysis.
-And then a Broadway play based on that movie. This is how I'm gonna get my baby girl. All I have to do is create the most popular song of all time!
-I started already!
-People. Love song. About love and cars. I've started already. Stop, stop. It's all wrong. How could five of the most popular musical styles all played at once sound so bad?
-Oh, yeah, Ken? What do you know about the pressures of EGOTing? I need to speak to someone who's been there. A fellow EGOTer.
-Is it me or is Liz Lemon getting hotter?
-I gotta EGOT, Whoopi. See I made this deal with my wife. If I don't EGOT, then I can't have another kid.
-You created the super-majority?
-I don't get it. Why is it so hard? I paid all these people to create the most popular song in the world for me.
-Wait, is that a Day Time Emmy?
-That's good advice, Whoopi.
-Say, could I have a glass of water before I leave?
-Thank you.
-Baby girl, you're the missing piece. The perfect fit. Baby girl. You're the product of doing it.
-Uhhh, wait. If you really want a baby, I'll give you my gift, but I must warn you, I won't be around a lot. Cause I'm EGOTing.
-I know, we're lucky people laugh when I say stuff.

Episode 8
-What's with all the junk, Ken?
-OK.
-Dig.
-Gonna let that one slide.
-Verdukianism? That doesn't make sense. Jimmy is Catholic.
-So you guys are Verdukians?
-Mmmhmm. Then sing that Verdukian winter carol. The famous one.
-What the what? New dude is as good at signing as Tracy Jordan is at everything.
-What's up, special K, having a party?
-Your generosity is being taken advantage of.
-Verdukianism, it's fake. Those dudes made it up because they didn't want to do Secret Santa.
-That's what religion is, KFed. Just a bunch of made up rules to manipulate people. Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I tell you why. Because the Pope owns Long John Silver's.
-Oh, Ken. We may have fallen into the intellectual deep end here and if you try to grab on to me, we'll both drown.
-OK. Time to go.
-Something you want to say?

Episode 9
-Finally! Over the break I forgot which floor I worked on.
-Six! I knew it was a character from Blossom, but I couldn't find the Joey Russo button.
-I had a pretty amazing New Year's, too. My wife and I are trying for a daughter and on New Year's Eve I think I got Angie pregnant.
-OK, but I was gonna describe it real good.
-I did it. Angie just called, she's pregnant.
-Yes, and it gets better. I just had a burrito.
-I know it's a girl, Liz Lemon, because I yelled Susan B. Anthony at the moment of conception.
-We're gonna name her after the place that she was conceived. It was a pretty wild night, so we're either gonna name her, Virginia, NetJet, or Bathroom at Teeterboro Airport.
-Hey, baby. You knew here?
-Uh, huh. And before you worked here, where you an ass scientist? Because your ass blah, blah, blah, you get the point. So what's your name?
-Virginia? But that's gonna be my daughter's name. Are you also someone's daughter?
-Is every woman someone's daughter?
-Uh, oh!
-I blame you three for my unhealthy attitude towards women! You have created an atmosphere of hostility and intolerance that everyone talks about all the time. Griz. When was the last time you told your fiancé you loved her –Since the phone call I interrupted to make this announcement. Kenneth, your haircut is disrespectful to lesbians. Dotcom, do you EVER read books by women?
-Enough! I've made a decision and starting next week, I'm adding a woman to the entourage.

Episode 10
-Hey, Kenneth. Why aren't your teeth growing in the black light?
-Sue, you're probably wondering why we asked you to join the entourage. Well, over the years, I've had a complicated relationship with women. From my treatment of the dancers here to my remarks about Madeline Albright at the 1996 White House Correspondents' Dinner.
-What? It's true. She does look like one of those.
-That's why I'm adding a daughter to the entourage family. Now what's on the schedule for today?
-I think I'm going to go ahead and cancel that.
-A hang on. No! I don't think we should go to a strip club. It just doesn't feel right. I think we should let the new member choose an activity.
-I said we're not going to a strip club.
-Why don't you understand? I don't want to take you to a strip club.
-Hey hey, watch your mouth, she's only 34 years-old.
-K. What's wrong with me? First I don't want to go to strip clubs and then I get angry at the hilarious dude that says something awesome.
-But I'm not like that with my sons. When they were little, I threw them in the deep end of our pool. To help them get over their fear of sharks.
-Thank God, because the doctors keep telling me it's pretty clogged!
-Ah, where are you going? It's board game night.
-Out? With whom?
-Well, does Doug have a last name?
-You are part of this entourage.
-Look, I know you didn't mean that.
-There you are. You know Kenneth and I were worried sick about you?
-That's not important anymore. I want to talk to you about our fight the other night. Look. Having a girl in your life is different. You want to protect her. And the best that you can hope for is that some day a nice man will come and take her from you. That's it.
-Here he is now. I knew this day would come, I just didn't think it would be so soon. You take good care of her.
-I don't know if I can go through this with a real daughter.
-No, I wouldn't. Not for a billion doll hairs.
-Yeah. They're not worth nothing. You could probably sell them to a doll company and get maybe forty grand for them.

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Episode 11
-Liz Lemon, I can't go to Boston.
-You don't understand. I get in trouble on the road.
-Thank you. Thank you. It's great to be here, Cleveland.
-I suck? The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame sucks.
-Hello!
-The road is a mine field, LL. All those angry drunks and new temptations.
-That stupid, Irish piece of… Oh, boy. Boston is not gonna go well.
-Now what am I supposed to do? I got free time in a strange city.
-Puuurrrrfect like a cat birthday. How could I possibly get in trouble on a walking tour.
-You lying white devil. The only people you set free were rich white dudes like yourself.
-We ain't… No! Most dudes that signed that Declaration of Independence owned slaves. What about you, John Hancock?
-For the dude that has the most hilarious last name I ever heard you blow. We didn't land on Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock landed on Mars.
-Sure, find a scapegoat. Just like John Hancock did with the good King George.
-Boston was just the match that lit the powder keg, like the tragic events at Lexington and Concord.
-Sounds like one of King George's hated tax collectors.
-Don't listen to him. We fell for his lies 300 hundred years ago. Don't let this slave owning time traveler fool us again!
-Then patriots are overrated.
-I said they suck. Uh oh. Here come the punches. This was all Snitterman's fault.
-Uh, huh. And where did you two meet?
-Really? So five years AFTER Crispus Attucks was killed in the Boston Massacre?

Episode 12
-OK, push. Push, Liz Lemon!
-Congratulations, it's Meat Cat!
-I'm sorry. Would you like to stay at my guest house?
-Oh, I'm not offering, I'm just taking a survey to gauge general interest. But Liz here has a spare apartment. Ain't that right, Liz?
-Oh, woah, woah.
-You're sleepwalking, Liz. It's a little understood parasomnia disorder.
-OK, I don't mean to be the black guy at the movies, but, "You better move, girl!"
-This just got awesome.
-This is the worst thing I've ever seen.

Episode 13
-It's a real problem in the celebrity community, but if Beyonce simply answered one of my letters, I'd stop trying to break into her house.
-Can't do it, Lee Lem. On Valentine's Day, Angie and I rent a room with a heart shaped hot tub and cook chili in it. Then we take it to soup kitchen and that's when it starts to get sexy!
-I'm Tike Myson, baby boxer. I'm crazy like that. Googoo googoo.

Episode 14
-[Cough, cough, cough, cough], I think we got it.
-Excuse me, do you know who you're talking to? A future Tony nominated actor. That's right. It is Tony eligibility season. And I'm going for the T in my EGOT.
-I'm doing a one man show.
-Tonight!
-What am I? A nerd? I'm gonna keep it loose, Liz Lemon.
-I did it. I'm a Broadway star! Jenna, could you accept my Tony on my behalf? June is a tough month for me because I begin lifeguarding again,
-5 hours.
-I don't know, people seemed to like it.
-Wait, the same show?
-But I can't do that, I'm a spontaneous actor. I never do the same thing twice.
-Honey, I'm home. Pac Man, I'm Jewish. Jeffrey, we lost the tournament. I can't do 7 more performances.
-Do they give an award for tarantula misplacement?
-Got it, no farting.
-After me.
-No, Tracy.
-No, stop it-Uh, we gotta start over. I farted.
-To sit in darkness in a sharp sharp sharp. In darkness in sitting in the sharp. This is stupid.
-Well, maybe we're just gonna have to agree to disagree on the acting process.
-I don't know, when I'm acting, I just do me and people seem to love it.
-Your performance.
-Karsfeld, Ruben M. Klavec, Yuri. Klassen, Igor. Klesterin, Robert. Klasco, Harold. Kluber, Tatiana.
-Bordnay, Lorenzo. Chinlow, Martin. Broadman. Gil. Takakahamo, Jessica. Themopoulis, Dororthy. Lippowitz, Lauren.

Episode 15
-Yeah, I'm supposed to be drinking a soda right now.
-That's the craziest thing I ever heard, Episcopal.
-I wish. Our old nanny wrote a tell all book about me.
-It's bad. I just got the call from a friend at Little Brown.
-No! The premier talent agency for black dwarves.
-Everything. My addiction to prescription glasses. The fact that I suffer from attention deficit disor-Jack your shoes are shiny! And worse of all, she revealed the fact that I've never cheated on my wife.
-That's all for show. I love my wife and only her.
-My wild and sexually adventurous image is how I make my money, Liz Lemon. I start losing my endorsements, Angie's gonna be madder than a bat in a suitcase. Uh oh, which reminds me. Gordon? Gordon?
-But, Frank, I still party. I'm still terrible at my job.
-I did, J-Mo, I held a press conference this morning.
-I'm here to announce that I'm leaving show business to spend more time with my stripper.
-But it's like a black Barbie Doll in Arizona, nobody's buying it.
-But John Edwards and I were supposed to ride on their Cinco de Mayo float.
-It's gotten worse. Somebody leaked my voicemails.
-Hey, baby, it's your husband. So I'm at Bed Bath & Beyond and I can't remember, did you say to get metal or wood shower curtain rings? Oh, you're calling me on the other line. I can't wait to talk to you. I love you.
-She says I better have an affair and quick before it tears are family apart.
-That's the problem, who's desperate enough to have sex with me at this point?
-Hello, Elizabeth, may I offer you a succulent fruit?
-Let me do a dance for you, my lover. No, no this is wrong. I can't have sex with you, Liz Lemon. I love Angie too much.
-I'm sorry, LL. I know how much you wanted this to happen. I'm disappointed in me, too. If I can't have an affair, Tracy Jordan is finished.
-I am lucky. Thanks, Liz Lemon.
-And you know what? One day you will have what I have because you're an amazing, strong, and talented woman, like Hilary. From Fresh Prince of Belair.
-I'm sorry, I was still riding the vibe from earlier.

Episode 16
-Oh huh, good morning.
-Lemoroni, something horrible happened to me last night. I had a dream that Kenneth and I got intimate in a portable Jacuzzi. It was crazy, glistening black and white skin. It looked like a close up of a killer whale being born.
-Just like this amazing city that we live in.
-Nooooooooo!
-Nooooooooo!
-I had another freaky Kenmare.
-Nooooooooo! Oh Oh Oh.
-Me, too. But how do we know this isn't a dream? Wait a minute, all my teeth are loose, so we're good. It's true.
-What kind a sick mind dreams that?
-Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
-We have to Elm Street this. We have to go to sleep and kill Kenneth in our dreams.
-This is a dream. You're in control.
-It's working, we've joined forces in our dreamscape, now we fly.
-Controlling our dreams?
-It worked!
-And we are never, never taking you for granted again. In fact, we'd like to sing you a thank you song.

Episode 17
-Not now, Jackie D, I heard on the walkie talkies that there's a red headed milf walking around with some executive.
-It's an 18th Century word for dark-skinned Moor. I've learned the word 'black' in every language, just so I know when to be offended. Russian tcherny, Korean hooking, dolphin eeee eeee eee eeee.
-Nah uh, I'm telling you, Dotcom, old school racism is back.
-Barry Obams is the one who brought it back.
-Hey, something's going on. You know what I seen last night? A Sloven Shield commercial with a black burglar.
-Oh, yeah, it's back on. Get ready, son. All you've ever known is your affirmative action job and Queen Latifah Covergirl commercials.
-That is a 15th Century term for a black pirate. Racist!
-Oh, yeah, just ask the black guy because we all know each other. Pete, could you tell a bald eagle to stop scaring me at zoos?
-You know, I been wanting to say this for a few seconds now. This work place has become a hotbed of old school racism.
-Oh, yeah? Then how come I'm always forced to play redikorus characters that don nununciate well?
-Nah, you can play it off, but I know that you're all secretly mad that we finally have a black Disney princess.
-Of course not, the Aryan hates and fears the African man. As we so clearly saw in the Blade movies.
-Splcok, short for black Spock.

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Episode 18
-Yeah, Thursday Night Thunder. That's been going on for years.
-Well, I yelled Baba Booey at Walter Cronkite's funeral, so I actually have no idea of what's rude or not.
-But I couldn't Thunder last night because I had to take Angie to the ER. She had some complications with her pregnancy, so that kind of trumps your little problem?
-Well, she's fine and the baby's fine, but they put her on bed rest until her blood pressure goes down.
-There is one thing. Could you take care of Angie like a husband until this whole ass ache blows over?
-What about you, K?
-This better be important, I'm in a meeting.
-Great update, Ken. Thanks for checking in. Talk to you later.
-What, but why? You're much better at that serving stuff than I am.
-To be honest, I couldn't really understand anything Rick James was saying.
-Fine, I'll be there soon. And if you get hungry, you can help yourself to anything in the fridge and once I'm there I'll figure determine how much to charge you.
-Hey, Ken. Isn't that a fun place to stand? Oh, I forgot to warn you about my dog, Tracy, Sr. I trained him to hate white people because, not to profile, but most ghosts are white. This is my boy here. And look what Angie did to him. She set up an invisible fence. He gets shocked if he tries to leave the property. Just because he'd run away and cause car accidents and impregnate neighbors horses, he's trapped here just like me.
-I'm trying, Ken, and I want to be responsible, but I been me for a long time.
-No, we're not supposed to do any sex stuff while she's on bed rest.
-Oh, like a real one! I'm on it.
-Maybe this will get Angie to stop calling me irresponsible. Just stay focused and take this sandwich to my wife.
-Nope. I'm in a strip club, my bad!
-Ken, why did you let me go to a strip club?
-This is bad because I can't change. I'm like a chameleon, always a lizard.
-This better be a meeting, cause I'm important!
-I can't, LL. First of all the Secret Service never gave me back my T Shirt canon. And second of all, I gotta stay home and take care of Angie.
-People don't say that anymore. They say Surf Party USA.
-Look, Liz Lemon, I know your feelings are hurt, but parties are like Frisbees. If you throw them the wrong way, they'll veer off in a bad direction and then your kid will fall into a quarry.
-Don't throw a party for vengeance. It will turn on you. Like your wife, after your kid has fallen into a quarry.
-I don't know what to do. A party's in trouble and I'm the only one that can save it.
-I'm torn, K-Pax. I know I should be here, but my body's going to take me to Liz Lemon's. What do I do?
-Put the electric dog collar on me.
-Man, Tracy, Sr took of fast. He did not want to live here.
-You're gonna pour glue in the lock. That's how my kids keep me out of the liquor cabinet.
-No, Ken, there's something else you have to do, for all of us. Unfortunately, there's only one Tracy Jordan, but sometimes he's needed in two places. You're Tracy Jordan now. Go. Go save that party.
-Wait, I don't walk that well.
-This better be Meat Men, I'm importing.
-Hey, Ken.
-Oh my God.
-Oh my God, I just didn't want to go outside, it's chilly.
-No, this is something I have to do myself.
-Yes, he probably picked up your scent and he's hunting you. I suggest you cut off a finger and throw it in the river.
-Huh, maybe this doesn't work on people. Ahhhh. Ahhhh. Ahhhh. My neck. My swan like neck. Ahhh. Must fight through it. Also, must weed lawn.
-I made it. I'm on the other side. I'm free. I can go anywhere I want. Like Liz's party. Or one of those place where you sky dive over a huge fan.
-Hmm. Maybe it doesn't work on people anymore. Ahhhh. It still does. Ahhhh.
-Oh, God. If you deliver me from this, I promise every Sunday, I'll go to, huh? I'm through it. Pizza Hut. I'll go to Pizza Hut. Ha!

Episode 19
-Before we rehearse, I have an announcement to make. Our boy Griz is getting married on May 22.
-So I thought Griz would like to take this time to announce who's going to be his best man.
-Um, I haven't decided yet. You sound like my mother talking to the Planned Parenthood lady. Seriously, which one of your rich and famous friends with hepatitis B are you going to pick?
-Let's not do this in front of everybody, you sound like my mother being booed onstage at a 2 Live Crew concert.
-Damn, my mother had problems.
-Of course, you guys are very close. Continue.
-Really? I'd be awesome at that.
-But who's gonna tell U2?
-No, you two idiots. I see what you're trying to do. You're trying to manipulate me into not being the best man. And, damn it, Griz, I've known you since you were 6 feet tall. I'm gonna be your best man. I am the leader of this entourage and because of you, I'm having a tantrum. Now pick up that table and smash it for me.
-That's fair. I know that!
-Woah, you watch your mouth before I show you the back of my hand.
-Liz Lemon, I don't even want to be best man. Why would I? Show up on time? Not lose a ring? Keep my shirt on though a dinner?
-Because I'm trying to protect Dotcom, dummy. He's in love with Griz' fiancé, Fyonce.
-No, Griz' fiancé is name Fyonce, like Beyonce with an F.
-Listen, we cannot make Dotcom get up there and give a speech at that wedding. It'd kill him.
-You think that's impressive. Watch me stand on one foot. Hold on, I did it earlier.
-No, you do.
-Bored.
-So you're?

Episode 20
-I gave Kenneth her information.
-OK, but whoever she is needs to be someone as amazing as I am. I want to see a list of names. Like when they was looking for John McCain's running mate. Hahaha. I'm kidding, this needs to be taken seriously.
-Novella Nelson. Oh, wait, is she Aquaman's girlfriend?
-That could be anyone. We all look the same to me. Is she famous?
-What about the list I gave you? Phylicia Rashard? Serena Williams?
-Who cares, she's awesome and so am I. I want Serena Williams to be my mother.
-Like anyone would recognize you anyway.
-You are way beneath me, Novella. I am a movie star, a television actor, and the Guinness Book of World Records holder for most car accidents in a single year.
-Fine. I'd rather be up on that stage all alone than be up there with someone whose resume has black judge on it 9 times.
-I saved a lot of kids from lame sex.
-I hear you. Because you're talking in the ear that I didn't lose a button in.
-Boy, I though I had it bad with my fake mom.
-Yeah, it's true and she is a good actress. I bought those Pajammaralls.
-No, Jenna. No one gets to choose their mom. Even when they're fake. For good or bad, we're stuck with them. And you know, they don't get to choose who we are either. And God knows we're not perfect.
-You look beautiful, mom.
-I think I'm ready for the sex talk.
-That's our show. Thanks for watching.
-Goodnight, stay tuned for a special Mother's Day edition of Bitch Hunter.

Episode 21
-Entourage meeting. I know which movie I'm doing this summer.
-It's a pun, because cats paws have grooves.
-It's perfect. I'm playing Garfield. My whole part is being shot on green screen in 3 days and they're paying me exactly 1 million teacher salaries.
-What's this?
-Interesting. And I've gotta win an Oscar somehow. It's either this or I submit that animated film I drew about the Holocaust.
-I read the script.
-I hated it. I couldn't relate.
-I don't remember that kind of stuff. I mean, I remember being born, of course. I remember learning how to ride a bike, but that was last year. From '75 to '82 is just a blur.
-No, I don't. I was on a yacht with the Roots last week, dude.
-What are we doing here? You told me we were going someplace boring. This is an awesome copy shop!
-That's where I grew up.
-My God, nothing's changed at all.
-Why do I recognize that stairwell?
-It's all coming back to, oh my God. I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs! I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a ribcage! A ribcage.
-Why did you bring me here? I blocked all this stuff out for a reason. Oh, Lord. Some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish!
-I hate pain! I'm doing Garfield 3, and as soon as I make some copies of my passport, I'm never coming back here. Move.
-Nermal. I hate you, Nermal. Almost as much as I hate Mondays. This is my lasagna. You hear me Nermal? My lasagna.
-Well I'm sorry Sean, and child actor whose name I can't remember. You haven't walked in my shoes! All my life I've tried to forget the things I've seen. a crackhead breast-feeding a rat A homeless man cooking a Hot Pocket on a third rail of the G train! The G train, Nermal! There's something inside of me that needs to come out. And if Garfield 3: Feline Groovy can't tell my story. Then I'll win my Oscar elsewhere or I'll die trying.
-I've seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I've seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy's! The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk!

Episode 22
-California, no way, Ken. You gotta tank this promotion. Do a sloppy job and they'll leave you alone. That's how I got out of doing foreplay with Angie. And my taxes.
-If you've learned anything from me, it's how to do a bad job. Go, honor me, save yourself. But first get me a sandwich.
-That's my boy.
-On behalf of Griz and Fyonce, I like to thank Jack Donaghy for letting us have this reception here after the other location couldn't support the weight of Griz' extended family.
-Now, hit it!
-Hey, this ain't the place for-.

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Somewhat related:
Everything Hurley Said
Everything Sawyer Said
Everything Locke Said
Everything Don Draper Said
Everything Tracy Jordan Said

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Possibly related posts:

Tina Fey on Tracy Morgan

aaron cohen — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 20:25:20 +0000

"Look at your fine self, you look like you should be married to the San Diego Padres."

Via @LMokaba and Punchline.

###

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Alec Baldwin Profile

aaron cohen — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 20:25:47 +0000

James Wolcott profiles Alec Baldwin. It's a good read, but nothing new, though I'm interested because Baldwin's career is so interesting. He's absolutely killing TV right now on 30 Rock, after killing Saturday Night Live all those years. He's been great in a couple good movies (as Wolcott notes), but doesn't have a big role in an important movie. How will we think about him in 20 years?

Oh, by the way, he's talking about retiring after 30 Rock...

So perhaps the smoke signals he’s sending up about retiring aren’t a bluff. But I can’t help but think that if he gets the chance to work with Meryl Streep again he won’t say no. That would be like turning down dessert, and he’s a cat who can’t resist cream.

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10 Best TV Shows of the Decade

aaron cohen — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 17:06:13 +0000

Can't really complain with Bill Mann's 10 best TV shows of the decade, but I wouldn't have The Sopranos #1, I would have bumped The Shield for 30 Rock and had Friday Night Lights as an Honorable Mention. What do you supposed 6 Feet Under bumps out? Stewart/Colbert probably ought to be counted as one show. What do you think of the list? What were your favorite shows of the decade?

1. The Sopranos (HBO)
2. Deadwood (HBO)
3. The Wire (HBO)
4. The Colbert Report (Comedy Central)
5. The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (Comedy Central)
6. Mad Men (AMC)
7. Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)
8. Extras (HBO)
9. The Shield (FX)
10. The West Wing (NBC)
Honorable Mention: Countdown With Keith Olbermann (MSNBC); Weeds (Showtime); Fareed Zakaria GPS (CNN); The Office (BBC version).

###

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Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 2

aaron cohen — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 14:23:22 +0000

Last week was Season 1 and a couple months ago was Season 3. And now, I give you, Everything Tracy Jordan Said in season 2 of 30 Rock.

These are submitted without context, which some people seem to like and others, not so much. There's a big internet out there, though, so if you don't like it, I'm sure there's something else for you.

Episode 1
-Yo, Ken, I'm'a use this whole the kitchen area as my bathroom, spread the word.

-She froze my credit cards, Liz Lemon, and she got custody of Griz. Can I keep my cockatiel in your office?

-Pop. What? I'm not apologizing, 'cuz for once in my life I haven't done anything wrong. How many years have you known me, Liz Lemon?

-So you know I like to minister to transvestite prostitutes.

-So Labor Day weekend I see this young she-dude at the dumpster by the 40/40. I pull over and I say you don't have to live your life like this. You can be a freaky-deaky and do data entry. What about court reporting? Believe in yourself.

-So as I reach in the trash and pull this dude out, a paparazzo jumps out and takes a picture of me.

-Whose gonna do my banking? Whose gonna write my blogs? Whose gonna do the cooking on Taco Wednesdays?

-So he's like my office wife?

-Kenneth Parcell, would you take this ring…and sell it in the Jewish part of midtown and use the money to get us a Nintendo Wii?

-I couldn't sleep at all last night. Angie kept my Sharper Image white noise aroma therapy machine. She knows I can't sleep without the sound of ocean and the smell of bacon.

-I'm not doing any of that.

-Great compromise, office wife.

-Liz Lemon, I need you to go my and pretend you're doing a survey for the Radford Group and then ask my wife if she's sleeping with DL Hugley.

-JS!

-What's up? Liz Lemon, me and this dude used to do stand up together. Remember the night we had the threeway with Elaine Boosler, haha?

-Oh yeah, you know what? I think that was a mirror.

-JS, this is my Kenneth.

-Mad at you, Ken, I seen the way you was looking at Seinfeld. You used to look at me like that. What, am I not a big enough star for you anymore?

-Oh no! Did a Korean person die?

-Don't do it, Liz Lemon. I know what me and Kenneth have looks perfect on the outside, but it's work, damn it. It's work.

Episode 2
-Yo, Ken. Angie and Griz is coming by to drop some of my stuff off.

-Yeah, but I want her to know that I'm having a good time on my own, so you should go get us some party hats. The pointy kind.

-No, cuz things have been said that cannot be taken back. She called my vanity license plate inscrutable! ICU81MI. Hilarious! Angie is in the past like Dracula and broadcast television.

-What, who?! That guy Mike that redid our driveway?... Nah, whatever. She should find someone new. Doesn't bother me!

-Oh.. Check this out. My key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Mm. Look at this, my gold record from that novelty party song. 'Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.'

-Yeah, I miss you, Griz.

-Hey, Ken!

-I only got 11-12 hour sleep last night. I got something on my mind grapes I need to talk to you about.

-I saw you hitting on Angie the other day. Seeing you with her. It opened my eyes.

-Yeah. All those years fooling around wasn't fair to her. So you gotta make it fair! I want you to go to my house and make love to my wife, Ken.

-My home address is in the GPS under 'Da Crib 'cuz we live on Dacrib Avenue. Now you go to Angie…And you make sure you pleasure her.

-What have I done? Kenneth should be back by now. What's going on over at my house? Ugh. No. No. Eww. I gotta stop this.

-I'm gonna kill you, Kenneth the page.

-It was a gesture, Angie. I'm saying I'm sorry.

-But, baby.

-What do you want? I'm willing to try anything.

-Alright. If that's what it takes. If that's what it takes.

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Episode 3
-I'm whipped. Angie got me up at 7.30 today. Did you know in the morning they have food, TV, almost everything? It's pretty good.

-Hi.

-Hey, Liz Lemon. I been reading the newspaper to come up with some ideas for some topical sketches. So this week could we do Business Section?

-Yeah, everything is great.

-Yeah, word, where is my lovely wife?

-Oh, I'm going to as strip club then.

-I'm sorry, Liz, this is who I am. You can't ask a bird not to fly. You can't ask a fish not to swim. You can't ask a tiger not to turn back into a Chinese dude at midnight.

-I feel bad about doing this to you, Liz Lemon, I really do, and the only way I can better about myself is to be booby slapped by a coked out Russian stripper. I'm out.

-Hey, everybody, I'm back from doing whatever Liz Lemon said.

-Uh, my cobra, Ramsey, he had got sick so I took him to the vet. Then my thumb got caught in my butt so I nodded my head til it came out.

-It was all Liz Lemon's fault. The whole plan was hers.

-Goodbye forever, Liz Lemon, thank you for being my secretary.

-No, Liz Lemon, don't do it.

-Oh, wait a minute. Enough, damn it, enough! Do I have to fix this situation? I am the immature one, but the both of you, you're forcing me to act like an adult. An adult! And even worse, you're making me stop 2 ladies from going at it, but I don't care, 'cuz I'm putting my foot down.

-Uh huh. Baby, you got to go. You're controlling, you're manipulative, you're loud.

-Huh?

-Mmmm.

-Mm. Wait a minute, let me get this shirt off.

Episode 4
-He has a microwave for a head!

-Hey, Jack.

-If you desecrate something, is that bad?

-I doubt if anybody noticed. 'Who brought stars and bright stars, to the party last night, for the rascals we fought.' Who'd ever known there was so many words, it was like a Mos Def CD.

-I love this country.

-I think I can handle that.

-Hahaha. Hahahah.

-We gotta start doing dog fights.

-I know it's repulsive and hideous, but it's the only thing Jack Donaghy told me I cannot do, so I gotta do it! Understand?

-Dog fighting it is, make it happen.

-Well, bring them in. I feel sick to my stomach about dog fighting, but what can you do when they tell you not to? This could get ugly.

-Wha-what? No! You idiots. I built a dog fighting pit in my basement for this?

-That 227 movie? New Jack ACity.

-I don't know. I always been this way. 'You're not my dad.' 'You're not my dad.' 'You're not my dad.'

-You're not my dad. You can't tell me what it's about.

-Just some heavy thinking. And this spotlight is the only place I could go to get away from it all.

-But how do I forgive someone that I don't know? Boy, if I could just talk to him once. Just once.

- I don't need the therapy! I'm just mentally ill!

-You're not my dad! We're doing therapy.

-Who's crazier me or Ann Curry?

-Like my wife and I do? Cool. You be the maid, I want you to scream. Donaghy, you play the matador.

-Ah, this is stupid!

-You sound nothing like my dad.

-All I know is he came from Funky North Philly, he worked in the Campbell Soup factory, and he had a droopy lip due to an untended root canal.

-I'm mad at you dad.

-'Cuz you left me, dad!

-Is this true, mom?

-Be me now.

-Now do the white dude that my moms left my dad for.

-Woahhhh. No need to resort to ugly stereotypes.

-No dad! Don't die! I love you, dad! I don't wanna dog fight no more.

-Thank you for showing me there really is love in my family after all and I need to stay the hell away from them. Donaghy, you're the only family I need, Jacky D.

Episode 5
-What's up, Lemon?

-How can no one go to Ken's party? He's such a great dude.

-Noooo. I can't. I only go to A-List events.

-No, don't sweat it, 'cuz I'm gonna bail you out. I'm gonna turn Ken's jam into a major event.

-See, all a hot party needs is mystique, a buzz. See people are like lemmings. Harvey Lemmings, my lawyer, who never misses a party.

-I just have to start a little rumor. Who are the biggest gossips on TGS?

-Griz and Dotcom.

-Hey, fellas. Heard a secret about Kenneth's party. Ken went to high school in Georgia with the rapper TI. They're boys. TI might show up. But listen, we can't let anyone know. Anyone. Got it?

-I am surprised to hear that because that is new information.

-He is?

-Huh?

-Foxy Boxing? I love Foxy Boxing! It combines my two favorite things. Boxing and referees! I got to get into that party, man. Get me Harvey Lemmings!

-Just like Colonial Williamsburg.

-I couldn't. This means too much to Ken.

-It's not going to, this party's about to become a Tracy Jordan Joint!

-Here we go! Haha!

Episode 6
-I was trying, Liz Lemon, but I can't concentrate. Somebody on my block is making waffles and it's making me horny.

-Hey, KK, how's it hanging?

-Well, you know what I do when I lose something? I yell real loud until I find it. So what is it that you lost?

-Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!

-Well why don't you just do like I do and sell your autograph at the car show?

-Who was that?

-Don't lie to me, Jack. I've had plenty of women mad at me the morning after. Just don't let her light your sneakers on fire in the bathtub.

-So then what's the problem?

-Oh, I get it. Romeo and Juliet. Capulets and Romulans. Mmmhmm. I been there. I'm black, she's white, I'm black, she's light skinned black, I'm black, she's 17. Huh, hey listen. If she's your soulmate, you go for it.

-Sure, where is it?

-I know where that building is, I get my Jamaican meat pies there.

-Tell her that you want her privates and your privates to do a high five.

-Tell her your butt look like an apple and you want to take a bite.

-Tell her she got some tig old bitties like the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Tell her you want her to donate her body to science and you science, tell her, Jack.

-Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon, have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?

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Episode 7
-Hey, Liz Lemon, I'm going to an animals only strip club. Interested?

-Animal customers, that's ridiculous.

-JD!

-I want you to meet the baseball team I'm coaching. A group of fine young men and one special lady. Dijonaise is a boy's name? Pardon me.

-I wasn't. My motorcycle hit a police horse. This is community service. These kids come from Knuckle Beach, the worst neighborhood in New York. They are poor as hell.

-That's right. You shoot for the stars.

-These aren't winners. They're 0-17. Damn, we supposed to be at the game right now. 0-18. That one's on Coach Tracy.

-Come on, gather round. Circle up. Everybody circle up. Alright circle up. Circle up. Around me. Around me. Alright, listen up. That's enough. There's a weird dude standing over and I don't want to get shot today so great hustle, great practice ok the weird dude is gone, go home.

-You don't get these kids, Jack, they don't care about winning, they just want to be able to go outside for once. You know, our first practice they asked me what the sun was.

-You wanted to see me?

-Practice, meetings, what is this, a marriage?

-Jack, have you ever been to Knuckle Beach? It's a different world! A world where Orange Soda is an acceptable substitute for breast milk.

-Bush?! Now I don't want to go off on a rant here.

-You can't wear blue in Knuckle Beach, which is hard because jeans go with everything.

-Now you're gonna blame this on me? I told you this was gonna to happen.

-Kenneth!

-I don't want to talk about it, Ken, you'll hear all I have to say about Jack Donaghy in my tell-all book, 'Betrayal Colon What Really Happened With My Baseball Team, Disaster at Knuckle Beach Question Mark'

-What do you want, Jack?

-Of course they did, they're afraid to go north of 245th St. Next you'll be telling me you let Rashan have contact with his birth mother?

-Jack I told you you did not know what you were getting yourself into it.

-No way, JD.

-Just because I don't support Jack Donaghy doesn't mean I don't support the kids.

-Wow. Jack, if I come back to the team, can I throw these things away and not have to read'em.

-Alright, Jack. What's the plan?

-That's 2 words!

-Damn, I can't believe we're winning.

-Yeahhhh!

Episode 8
-OK, enough! How long are we gonna talk about the stupid award? We have more important things to worry about like where are the french fries I did not ask for. You guys need to anticpate me! OK, forget it. I can't rehearse today!

-It's not fair, Liz Lemon. Everybody wins awards, but me. Even Shaquille O'Neil got a Kids' Choice award for that animated movie we did.

-Boy, I hope we rescue the Starfish King on this adventure.

-Would you call what we did last night sex?

-I spent 2 days making that movie from my home and what did I get out of it? A million dollars, a yellow Bentley and nothing. I never win anything. Look at this coffee cup my kids got me for Father's Day. I'm a failure, Liz Lemon. Maybe I should just give up and try this crystal meth I've been hearing so much about.

-Come on, Lemon!

-Pacific Rim? I love the Pacific Rim. I spent 9 months in Japan shooting Samurai Iamarai. I fell in love with their culture, especially sharking.

-It's when you run to a lady on the streets and pull her tubetop down while your friend video tapes it. It's considered a crime here. Thanks a lot, Puritans.

-Hell, yeah! I do not want to disappoint my Japanese public, especially Godzilla. Ahaahaha. I'm just kidding, I know he doesn't care what humans do.

-Hey, Liz Lemon, when am I leaving for Japan 'cuz I have to arrange for a snake nanny.

-Noooo. I told my kids they could watch their dad get an award so it has to at least be live via satellite.

-Perfect, just when I get back from Maiden Voyage, Newark's first offshore gentleman's barge. I'm gonna get the kids and we're coming straight here.

-Liz Lemon know who keep the lights around here, but I couldn't do it without my background players that's why I want you and Josh to be there for my award. Then afterwards maybe I'll let you hold it. Then you can check out my award. Ahhahaha. Banter!

-Oh, people of the Pacific Rim, how you feel?! Alright, I like to thank my wife. My 2 sons, Tracy Jr and George Foreman. This Josh, dude. Haha. Liz Lemon. Uhh. Bald headed Pete for setting up the satellite. And of course, a very special blonde lady. Shelly Long, you're truly an inspiration to me, I know that. Haha. And finally, I'd like to thank all you Pacific Rimmers for all that you've given us. Ah karaoke, karate and most of all, watazombieataku, shark attack!

-You let Jenna take off in the middle of the day? If she gets to do that, then I'm doing this week's show as my alter-ego, Professor Cosmatothis.

-Yeah, dude, you got a fro-hawk, man what do you think you're better than us?

-Doctor Haircut.

Episode 9
-So it's my fault diners can serve alcohol in New York state? That's on me now? Now I have to wear this for 30 days. If I even have a drop of alcohol in my sweat, a signal goes to ankle bracelet headquarters in Denver and I go to jail.

-And now, this time of the year: Ludichristmas, Nude Year's Eve, Martin Luther King Day, all you do is drink.

-But.

-The holidays without drinking is rough. Turns out football is boring, my wife's sister ain't as cute as I though she was and I can not play the guitar.

-But tonight is Ludichristmas.

-K, thanks for trying to help, but I'm gonna go home, do some thinking and tell my wife's sister to disregard all my emails.

-Yeah, I mean, what are you guys doing? Going to Ludichristmas?

-No, no, I can't go, because of the ankle bracelet. Or maybe I could go and just not drink. Hey, maybe I'll compromise. I'll go to the party, cut off my foot and drink all I want.

-Ludichristmas! Ludichristmas! Ludichristmas! Ludichristmas! Ludichristmas!

-Listen, we done learned our lesson about the big tree or whatever, this has got to stop now.

-That's right.

-Is this a culture where toplessness is common?

-We should go downstairs and chop down the big tree!

-Yes it is. We are sending a message to all of those who have forgotten the scruples of Christmas. 'Cux in order to stay sane, you have to go crazy. I had a couple of drinks before the meeting. Hold that, Kenneth? This is a flask! So ya'll probably shouldn't be listening to me. Hahahaha.

Episode 10
-OK, everybody listen up. This cappuccino machine is my way of saying sorry for what happened the other day.

-Hahaha. My father?

-OK, that may have been a dream. Anyway, enjoy!

-But you could have coffee any time you want.

-Ken, this is New York, the big easy, live a little! Boundaries are made to be tested, that's why my wife and I stopped using a 'safe word'.

-Regrets are for horseshoes and handbags.

-Hey, slow down there, Ken. Coffee is not like alcohol, it's pretty addictive.

-I'm getting rid of the machine, Ken, for your own good.

-Get a grip. Look at yourself.

-You rode the brown serpent, but the important thing is you survived, Ken.

-So you had a little bender?

-What? No, you can't leave, Ken. Whose gonna help me tell white people apart?

-New York, mmmm, proved too much for the man. He couldn't make it. So he's leaving the life he's come to know. He's leaving. On that midnight to Georgia. Woo woo.

-Yes, he's leaving. Leaving on that midnight train.

-On that midnight.

-He missed it?

-He missed that midnight train.

-Woo woo.

-Misinformed about the time, didn't even get to stand in line.

-He missed that midnight train to Georgia.

-Nothing, Gladys Knight. Sorry. Sorry everyone.

Episode 11
-Someone put too many farts in this engine. It's about to explode!

-It's farting, it's farting!

-Liz Lemon, I'm'a miss the show this week. Jack is sending me to do standup in Dubai! I'm'a do jokes on airplane food. It's all new to them.

-Well, don't blame me, blame Jack, he's the one I'm splitting the $3 million with.

-Liz Lemon, I can't believe what you said in the paper.

-Yeah, that cartoon said exactly what you said the other day.

-If you decide to sue them, I know a good lawyer. Took me to the cleaners last year.

-Order. Order I say. We must not be rash. We must divorce ourselves from our prejudices and appeal to our higher reasoning. This is the speaking banana. Everyone will get a chance to speak and only then will we make our decision. Josh, my friend, you are first.

-That dude did it.

-Look at his light eyes. They freaky like a wolf.

-I love it up here, it's hot, it's loud, it's like Miami.

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Episode 12
-What? Helllll no. Black people supporting Republicans? Does hot support cold? Does rain support the earf?

-Mmmnn.

-If I paid taxes, I sure would.

-Go on.

-I love states' rights!

-Lincoln was a Republican?

-Damn, the Republican party sounds pretty attuned to my unique way of life. But I'd be turning my back on my people to support it. You've put me in a quandary, Jack Donaghy. A quandary.

-What is this place?

-Richard Nixon? Wow, I can't believe I'm dead. There was still so much left on my bucket list. So many different kinds of buckets I wanted to own. Buckets.

-And Watergate.

-Wow, you were a Republican?

-Wow.

-I got a mission!

-I'm in! Jacky D, Nixon's ghost convinced my ghost to help the GOP.

-Sounds good, but I can't talk now, I gotta get my wallet out of the toaster.

-My fellow Blackmericans! Hey Jack, can I just say black Americans? There's no such thing as Blackmericans.

-My fellow black Americans, Dr King once had a dream, a dream that we all share, to build a 200 foot high wall to keep Mexico out. And he also hated the estate tax.

-Jack, I don’t know about this.

-I get it, the Republican party means less taxes, more guns, and the end of the gun tax.

-But everybody isn't forward thinking like I am. And no matter what, Blackmericans is gonna always vote Democrat.

-Mmmhmm.

-Black people! Don't vote. Just don't do it. In the amount of time it takes for you to vote, you could play 3 games of pool. 3! Now that's fresh. I'm Tracy Jordan and I improved this message.

-Yes it does. Now if you'll excuse me, Nixon asked me to take some stuff out of his Wikipedia page.

Episode 13
-Pay attention to me. I'm inconsolable.

-Tracy Junior left his music stick at home.

-So I drove to the school to give it to him and guess what I discovered?

-Excuse me, I…

-If I'm such a bad dad, why are we all dancing?

-My own son is ashamed of his father.

-They think I'm a joke because I clown around for a living. I got to do something important so that my children will respect me like be a senator or a wizard.

-Everybody calm down! Gotta think of an idea. Something that will change the world. Eureka!

-We should call Eureka, she always has good ideas.

-The after you carbonate it, you drink it!

-Damn it, why is leaving your children a legacy that'll live forever so hard? It's been almost half an hour.

-Yeah, I need to clear my thoughtcicles. Which of my two favorite pastimes shall I indulge in? Video games or pornography? That's it! Make a porn video game.

-Tell it to me in Star Wars.

-They're nice.

-He acts like he doesn’t care, but he does.

-I'm scared. Get me outta there.

-That's where you're wrong. I was born to design a video game where characters get weird with each other for golden points.

-My genius will not be denied. I'm like Mozart. You're like that guy who was always jealous of Mozart.

-No thank you. I already ate.

-You will not deter me, the world, is gonna remember the name Tracy Jordan.

-No, for the first time in my life I know my purpose. I'm doing this, for my children. My genius is come alive. Like toys when your back is turned. I see the potential for erotica in everything around me. This cup. This table. Even you, Kenneth.

-I'm inventing a porn video game!

-Duet becomes a trio. Trio becomes a quartet. And on and on. Do you have it?

Episode 14
-Hey, look. Lutz is still eating.

-Give me it.

-Look, Liz Lemon's sandwich is still on her desk.

-But as far as Liz Lemon knows, her sandwich never came.

-Lutz made us do it!

-You think I'm a patsie I'm'a..

-Please ask my permission before you quote me, Kenneth.

-We'll get Liz Lemon her sandwich. I'm an international superstar. The teamsters will be honored that I'm even talking to them.

-[Singing and tap dancing] That old soft shoe is coming around the bend.

-And I can't drink! I still got my Hollywood sock on.

-Hahahaha.

-Batteries dead. I've got a half hour until they track me down.

-[Singing] I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow, oh Danny boy…

Episode 15
-Liz Lemon, do these look like wizard nipples to you?

-Exactly! It's all wrong. These roles are so clear in my head.

-The working title is Gorgasm Colon The Legend of Dongslayer.

-Yeah, you fixulate this.

-Liz Lemon, do you know what it's like to the only one who cares about your job when everybody else around is goofing off like a bunch of goofoffs.

-Uh oh. Emotions. Are you having your woman times?

-Stop. Stop. It's not working. It's not… Not you, Griz, you're doing great.

-But, Jenna, you're not doing good acting. Don't over think it. I don't need another Judy Dench situation. Let's just skip ahead to the list of player sensuality options. These avatars need to be able to do anything to each other.

-Now give me a little robot.

-Now like it's a secret.

-Sexy.

-Yes.

-Good.

-Now that we are in a zone, I want you to give me some random sex sounds.

-Wonderful, wonderful. Let's take it from the top. This time let's record.

-Yo, Frank.

-Yes. It is just a prototype, but I want you to be the first. To play it. Tell me what you think.

-You earned it.

-Frank, you been in you're office for 3 months!

-Yes! I'm gonna be a billionaire.

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###

Possibly related posts:

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 1

aaron cohen — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 16:32:26 +0000

A couple months ago, I posted Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 3 of 30 Rock. I said if you guys wanted it, I'd go back and do Season 1 and Season 2. Well, you wanted it, so here's Season 1 and I'll post Season 2 next week.

As I said before, it's the combination of delivery and content that gets me and again, these lines were transcribed completely without context. A lot of times context makes them funnier and a lot of times lack of context does. Leave your favorite lines in the comments, enjoy!

Episode 1
-I am a Jedi. I am a Jedi. I am a Jedi.

-I'll have an apple juice.

-Then I'll take a vodka and tonic.

-I know who you are.

-Let me ask you a question, everyone at this table. Did he just say the word 'pumpkin' to me?

-Yo! I'm bugging. I can't do this. I cannot eat here. I can't eat here. I got to go to someplace where they make food that I like. Lemon, let's go.

-Ohh. Ohhh. Goodness gracious, you hooligans better watch out, cuz this honky grandma be tripping.

-Where's the love? Right on and let me get 2 half a chickens and some pecan waffles.

-Eat, Lemon, eat! I hate skinny women. Hey, Alana, 10 beers.

-Nah, I ain't doing it unless I get to do it my way. You know I want it to be raw. HBO style content.

-Cuz I want to drop truth bombs! You know how pissed off I was when US Weekly said that I was on crack? That's racist. I'm not on crack. I'm straight up mentally ill.

-You know I got mental health issues.

-Yeah, yeah, I like risky. See, me and you? We play the game. We know how to be acceptable. Hello, great meeting. I drink coffee, please. This show is our chance to break the shackles, cuz the white dudes want to see us fail.

-All of them. Jack Donaghy, General Electric, George Bush, Karl Robe.

-Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other. To distract us while white dudes inject aids into our chicken nuggets. That's a metaphor.

-Hey, Lemon, you like karaoke? I know a joint.

-I'll take you, I'll take you! I just gotta make a quick stop first.

-You know why I should do this TV show, Lemon?

-To get you rich! Cuz you know if I'm on that TV show it's going to blow up.

-Your teeth. You got to think like these strippers, Lemon. They know the window of opportunity is only open for a moment. You gotta get in while you're young, get the money, and get out.

-Neither do they! Yes, they do.

-Ohhhhlalalala. We're strong! No one can tell us we're wrong. Searching our heart for so long.

-Hell no!

-From Chicago? I was in Scottie Pippen's wedding.

-He fired Pete? He can't fire Pete.

-Mm?

-Mmhmm. Yeah, suck it, Pete.

-Hey, Lemon, I'll drop you off. Where do you live?

-I wanna see that.

-Oh. Oh. Pull over. Pull over here.

-Right here.

-This is where I grew up.

-Wasn't no Jordan family nothing. This is where I was in foster care.

-Me and two other dudes and a girl with messed up fingers.

-I'm so lucky I got out of here.

-About what?

-Alright.

-Excuse me, where's the manager? I'm from the government and I'm here to inspect your chicken nuggets.

-Uh, oh. Look at shorty. This honky grandma be tripping!

-Wassup, America? I'm coming into your house live! Let me hear you say we love you, Tracy!

-I am the third heat!

-Ahhh, yeah. Holla at your boy.

-I can't wait to do this with you every week. Haha!

Season 2
-How you feel, NBC tour? Cuz you look good like a solid gold candy bar!

-Give up the butt, ladies. Give up the butt!

-Jack! Haha! Oh my goodness. It's good to see you again, brother. It's good to see you again.

-Come on, Jack, now you know I'm the kid. I'm easy like Sunday morning. Don't look at me. Do not look at me in the eyes.

-Hey, Pete? You smoke weed, right, Pete? Me neither. Me and you, Pete. Me and you, heeheehee.

-Don't just sit there, come over here and give me some sugar.

-Well, if you ever want to piss your parents off, you come see me.

-Let me just say, I'm excited to be here. It's an honor for you to meet me. I got a lotta characters I'm ready to bust out. I got a character named Biscuit, write that up. Got another character named Renaldo who's a 2 foot tall Spanish hustler. Glasses, I want you to write that one. Got another character named Ching Chong who loves to play ping pong. I just made that up right now, cuz that's how I flow. Now I'm up for anything.

-No. I don't like that.

-So I said, 'Rick, this chick's got an Adam's apple. And, Rick said to me, I'll never forget this, 'Freakydeekys need love, too. Freakydeekys need love, too.'

-So, how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable?

-Nuh uh. Superman does good. You're doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.

-Lemon. Lemon. Can I be real with you? I haven't a real job in like, 2 years. I'm not used to all these, all these cue cards and all of that.

-You're right, I got this. Thanks for looking for me, Lemon. I'ma crush it. Let's show these people how a movie star does it.

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. I'm proud as a peacork, baby.

-What'd I say?

-Peacock, think peacock. Right, Jenna?

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. I'm proud as a peaCOCK, baby.

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. Right, Jenna Malbany?

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. I'm proud as a peacock. Right, my bologna?

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black, NBC. Very proud. Like peacocks. Right, Janet? I think we got it. I think we got it.

-Please, you can't hurt me. I did stand up on Rome, the crowd once threw a motorcycle at me.

-Which on is Toofer?

-Oh.

-Let's crash my car to see if the airbags go off.

-Mostly mad at you.

-Nah, nah, nah, nah. This is what we gonna do, Lemon. You gonna get everyone on my yacht. Harbor cruise, drinks, togetherness.

-I got a yacht, a solid gold jet ski, 2 Batmobiles, the AIDS monkey's bones..

-Welcome. Welcome to your fantasy.

-Oh, yeah. I've taken this boat many places. Miami, Tokyo, Denver.

-What?

-Oh, that's Spanish for remember your mother.

-My bologna? Look at you. Wow.

-Let me make you a drink. You love apple martinis, right?

-I read your interview in Amtrak magazine.

-Mmmhmm.

-I didn't know that. Hey Toofer, see if I got any Schnapps.

-It's for you. Take it, my friend.

-I hear you sing. I didn't know that. Why don't you sing something for me.

-I do.

-Hey, hey, Griz, don't wreck this boat!

-Don't worry. He was in the Navy.

-I'm Bill Cosby, Jello sweaters.

-You don't have to thank me, Lemmon, we're a team now. Like Batman and Robin. Like chicken and chicken container.

-It's Spanish for 'remember your mother'. I've taken this boat to Denver. You can have that Scotch. Griz was in the Navy.

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Episode 3
-Josh, you and me. Thursday night. I know this guy that runs an underground bird fight.

-Poker night? I love poker. I used to play all kinds of poker with my aunts. Crazy Sevens. Albuquerque Freak Out. One Card Stud.

-Whatever. Get ready to get took.

-Remind me what's better, a pair of black aces? Or a pair of red aces?

-Donaghy. What up?

-This round, Texas Doozie. Face cards are wild. Threes are jinx. Fives are twooos.

-Be my guest. Show me love.

-OK, Rainman, tell me what I got.

-I'm out.

-Damn, Jack, you went all out! That's a giant shrimp.

-I been playing for two hours. I'm tired of losing. I'ma let my boy Dotcom play a hand for me.

-So hey, Dotcom, are we going to those three clubs tonight?

-You know the doctor said I had four hearts in my body?

-Damn it.

Episode 4
-What's up, Ken?

-Thanks, Ken. You done good.

-But I want you to know something. You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. Cuz I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving.

-So here's some advice I wish I would have got when I was your age... Live every week like it's shark week.

-K, my boy. What's the frequency, Ken? Yo, I need you to grab me some lunch.

-I want nachos. From Yankee Stadium.

-Meebeepribbybibby.

-Do you want to know another key to success?

-Dress every day like you gonna get murdered in those clothes.

-You did real good the other day with those nachos, but I need you to do something of a different nature. Would you agree when I say that a man's freedom only exists when he's free to pursue his desires.

-Which means, when the law conflicts with our desires then we must operate outside the law. You following me?

-Now I got a mission for you.

-Hahah. You done good, Ken. That thing ever goes missing or gets into the public water supply? We don't know each other.

-I got one little errand for you to run. Tomorrow is my anniversary and I almost forgot about it. But what did I tell you was the secret to having a good marriage and keeping it together, Kenneth?

-That’s my boy! That's why I want you to go see my jeweler.

Episode 5
-Rehearsal? We did a show last week. I'm just here to pick up a paycheck.

-It's not gonna work? Next Friday is Damon Dash's birthday party and the Friday after that is an orgy over at Elizabeth's.

-Can't do it. I'm an improviser. My acting style is like jazz. Jazz that you laugh at. Benaneemeeenbeneeeebbene. Hahahahaa.

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black, NBC. Very proud. Like peacocks. Right, Janet?

-Nah, Lemon. I'll do that later. I gotta bounce.

-Let's go rescue Karen or whatever. Is it Cheryl? Then she can tell us where the drugs are. I mean gold. Then we got the car chase. I'm getting way too old for this. Was I supposed to say that there?

-I don't know what to tell you. They making me rehearse. I know Pat Benatar rarely performs live. Scalp the damn tickets!

-Cool, I'll read those later, Lemon.

-Can I read?

-So you're asking me if I'm illiterate?

-So I could like, leave work early if I need a tutor?

-I can't read Liz Lemon. My shameful secret is out. Now you know why I'm always running into the ladies bathroom. I can't read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent! I think I voted for Nader! Nader!

-I feel as though a great weight has been lifted off of me, Liz Lemon. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. All thanks to one very, very special white lady. I'll be in late tomorrow.

-Damn, George Will just gets more and more conservatives.

-Shamon. Yeah, I had to go to reading class. You hear this mess about Y sometimes being a vowel? What a world.

-Yeah, alright, cool.

-Yeah. It's good. I like it.

-Really. I'll be leaving early today.

-Fine, yes. I'm literate. I even have a column in Ebony called Musings.

-I'm unbelievable? What about your racist mess? Thinking a grown man is illiterate. That's the subtle racism of lowered expectations. Bing Crosby said that.

-That's racist.

-But this job is hard. I just want to be able to do what I want to do. You know I once shot a whole movie without getting out of my car.

-But we're cool, right Mr. Donaghy?

Episode 6
-Did you see this? It's horrible! They're printing libel about me again. Libel, Liz Lemon!

-That's what I'm saying! That's character assassination! That's not normal! It only looks like I'm walking out of a Starbucks, when actually I'm doing the robot going backwards INTO a Starbucks! And I don't even know whose dog that is! Yes, I steal dogs.

-I can't be normal. If I'm normal, I'm boring. If I'm boring, I'm not a movie star. If I'm not a movie star, then I'm poor! And poor people can't afford to pay back the $75,000 in cash they owe Quincy Jones!

-Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

-Wassup?

-Uh huh? Who normal now? You hear me America? Whose normal now?

-I got this tattoo for the good of the show. Gives us an edge. The reason why you brought me on. And when you purchase Tracy Jordan, he comes with a tattoo of a biblical dragon from outer space.

-You can't put makeup on my tattoo, Liz Lemon, it's in my contract.

-Damn it, where's my Sharpie?

-Look, I'm crazy, not stupid. Movie star can't have a big old permanent face tattoo. I just need to walk around with this for a week. Get my picture on the interweb. Show the world I'm still dangerous.

-I had extreme plastic surgery to have it removed? Baboom! That's another not normal.

-I need to protect my reputation. You take away my street cred I'm Wayne Brady.

-I shouldn't expect a white woman from Whiteville to understand street cred.

-And I'm Condoleezza Rice.

-Yo, this blackout messed me up. I didn't get to debut my dragon face. Could I do the Today Show tomorrow.

-Tattoo's fake, Donaghy, fake.

Episode 7
-I am a stabbing robot. I will stab you. I will stab you. I am-.

-I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America.

-Me and my wife like to play rape. She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then, I put on a ski mask...

-I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding-dong.

-Or I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.

-I was pooping in the ladies' room at The Ivy...

-My hair hurts. Anybody gonna answer the phone? Is anybody gonna answer the phone? The phone! It's ringing. Brriiinnng. Brriinnnggg.

-Where your feet at, blue man?

-What else? What else is on my mind-grapes? I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan and not the Minister Farrakhan you're thinking of. Whose that dude?

-The blue dude. Tell him to stop staring at me. I don't like that dude. I don't like that dude.

-Yes, I am having trouble with my cable television. Yes I will hold. Excuse me, I have another call. Hi Mom. I am doing fine.

-I'm bugging out. I'm bugging out. I'm bugging out.

-Dr. Spaceman. Dr. Spaceman.

-Dr. Spaceman. Dr. Spaceman.

-Blue man. That blue dude keep following me. Ahhhhhh.

-Stop. No. Ahhh. No. Nah. Blue man. Always running up on me, Mr. blue man.. I can't take the Blue man. I don't want the blue man. You want a piece of me? We can box it, though.

-Ahhh. Ahhhh.

-[Chewbacca noise] No! Past Pete is here to kill future Pete. [Chewbacca noise]

-[Chewbacca noise]

-Mr. blue man. Gonna tell me my feet stink? You don't even have feet. Blue man.

-Blue man, where your feet at.

-Nooo. Ooohhh. Ooooh. Nooo.

Episode 8
-Yeah, then I could go, 'Rodney don't make me come over there and make me beat you over the head with one of my boom booms.'

-What's your problem?

-Whatever. I played a woman before. Honky grandma be tripping made $96 million.

-What? It was huge on BET. Every Thursday night at around 9 or 9:15.

-Bernie Mac doesn't do it cuz he be ugly as hell.

-Forget it. I'm not wearing this dress. It's prejudicial.

-That's our show for tonight. See you next week!

-You burned me! There's nothing wrong with a black comedian wearing a dress. Eddie does it. Martin does it. Jamie Foxx. Flip Wilson. Whoopie Goldberg does it everyday. You stole a franchise from me. Shemanda could have been a movie!

-Our comedy gotta do more than make people laugh. Gotta make people think. I wanna hold a mirror up to society and then win world record for biggest mirror.

-Gotta be raw!

-What?

-Are you black?

-Well now you're just being patrinizzle.

-I thought writing with you was gonna be like two brothers writing together. We're not even speaking the same language.

-Come on. Who raised you? Standing there with your pants that fit. Using a wallet. Drinking Starbucks. And what is this!?

-Come on. Where's your heritage? My brother. My homeboy. My ni-.

-Now I have to attend sensitivity training.

-Brothers talk to other brothers like that. I was being friendly.

-It's OK for us to use it with each other. You can call me that. It's a term of endearment.

-Not cool, homie. You might as spray me down with a firehose.

-I wish to file a complaint.

-Sneaky Taiwanese tranny who stole my watch.

-I'm trying to tell him he's my brother. We the only 2 blacks on the show we have to figure out a way to work together. As Professor Martin Luther King said, 'I have a feeling.'

-Ahh. Dude wears if khakis. Uncle Tom party at work. Uncle Tom party at work.

-You know what I think? I think you're ashamed of being black and you're an embarrassment to your community.

-That's it. This is it. This is the sketch we should do.

-Right here you and me. This is deep stuff going on. We gotta write this.

-Ahahaha. Dr. Snow, thank you very much!

-Hello, I'm Star Jones and welcome to the Star Jones gastric bypass cooking show.

-Now you know, I can only eat small portions. Ahhhh. Ah, my goodness, dessert.

Episode 9
-Ahhahha, No, Ahhah.

-I love you to, J-Bird! Yo, I don't like that dude. It's disrespectful when he imitates me. I want him fired.

-How would you like it if I did an impression of you, Liz Lemon? Hi, I'm Liz Lemon. I like to wear man shirts. Watch me skateboard.

-Hurts, doesn't it?

-You always take his side.

-See, I need to be respected, Liz Lemon. But what do you know about respect?

-Well, if you won't do anything about it, then I'll just go over your head. To Donaghy.

-This is how you take care of things, Liz Lemon? I'm going to Jack Donaghy.

-Too late. This is untoward! This is not toward! Psshhhh.

-Yo!

-Damn right! Keeps impersonating me. Makin' me into a caricature!

-Whoooa. Those dudes are crazy. Forget it. I don't need any of that noise.

-For reals?

-Kenneth, get Donaghy on the phone.

-Meebee Jackson's condo?

-A childrens' clothing store in Dubai?

-Too late, Liz Lemon. He called me 5 minutes ago.

-Nothing unusual. Russian mobs, invisible motorcycles, sex pooping.

-Jack Donaghy. Now I know you asked me not to say anything, but I think I know somebody who can help you with your sex poop problem.

-And when you're done with that call my wife and tell her I'm sorry about what happened with me and Keith and them.

Episode 10
-Donaghy, I need your help!

-I need $60 thousand or I'm'a lose my house.

-I need $100 thousand or I'm'a lose both my houses.

-Nah. I lost all of it.

-Griz.

-Hall or Billingham?

-No.

-I like that. Put my name on something. But what would I sell.

-I forgot about that WorldCom mess, why you gotta be so obsessed with telecommunications?

-I need to come up with a big idea for a product to put my name on. Something that no one has thought of. Something crazy.

-Oh, you mean Jesus?

-Eureko!

-Donaghy, stop what you're doing, 'cuz I'm about to blow your mind. Hit it! Tired of your sandwich maker making you angry? Then behold the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine. Stick any 3 meats, whatever you want, bologna, salami, bore, whatever, into this sexy lady and she will melt them all together into one delicious food ball. Never again will you have to suffer through the bread part of your sandwich. I give you the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine. MEAT IS THE NEW BREAD! Aha. What do you think?

-So GE will produce the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine?

-Jack Donaghy, you are the best. You know what? I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?

-No, I'm good.

-Audience, let me ask you a question. How many times has this happened to you?

-Or this?

- Seem familiar?

-Bread is one of the worst things in the world, but we've always needed it, until now. By burning 3 different types of meat together, the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine takes bread out of the equation. Now your sandwiches are all of the good stuff. That's delicious.

-Dr. Spaceman, is it true bread eats away at your brain?

-Well, folks, bread will never maybe attack your brain again because with the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine, say it with me now, meat is the new bread!

-I want these everywhere, I want every person here eating from a Tracy Jordan Meat Machine.

-What happened?

-That one must be defective.

-They all must be like that. Where's Donaghy?

-Only Kenneth.

-What are we gonna do? We can't sell this.

-What?

-Not the Ukraine, I own some property on the Dnieper River.
-Closer to Cherkassy.

-Can't do it, Donaghy, I can't put my name on a product that's gonna hurt people.

-What's this?

-Goldberg or Billingham?

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Episode 11
-Dude, this party was messed up! They had girls dancing in cages. And not the go-go cages. The little dog cages that you crate pitbulls in.

-How dare you, Liz Lemon. I'm not arriving to work, I left the party on a bacon run.

-Woah. What's today's date?

-2007?

-Ahhh, damn it. I knew this was gonna happen. Twofer, pass me some paper.

-My autobiography is due tomorrow.

-Yo, me, Twofer, and Frank are gonna be writing my book all day long and I think my snake is sick so I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly until he poops.

-1979, I was looking for some money in my mother's room and I found some naked pictures under her mattress. She was just sitting there in her house coat holding one of her boobs like this.

-I knew she had must have taken those pictures for her boyfriend Sonny cause Sonny used to come over twice a month and you knew when Sonny was coming over because she used to take us to the store and buy 2 steaks and a bottle of Nair with cocoa butter. How many pages do we have now?

-Make the letters bigger, Toof.

-I have no memory of that, write it up.

-1998. Well, I spent most of the summer in the studio doing my Christmas album, which was huge!

-Imagine Christmas wishes shooting out of your eyes. A candy cake full of snow dreams, a stocking full of smi-hi-hiles. It's a Jordan Christmas.

-Mmhmm.

-Woke up in the camper at the auto show. And that's how 2006 ended. 2007…

-It was early January 2007 that I got the idea to write my autobiography, so I took a meeting at Random House and this dude looked me straight in the eyes and said, 'No, Mr. Jordan, no thank you. We do NOT want your book.' Oops. My bad. That's on me, shut it down.

Episode 12
-What's up, Pete?

-Click, ehhhhhhhhh.

-Pete, Pete, Pete, where's your spinal cord, son?

-Yeah, it seems like you got yourself a Delilah.

-Pete, there are two type of women in the world. One who gives you strength and one who takes strength from you like Delilah took strength from Samson in that movie. My wife gives me strength, make me feel like a man. That's why she's so special.

-That ain't my wife. Go get me a fizzy water.

-It's like this, Pete. I love my wife. I love her. We're a team. That's why eight times a week, I go to the strip club. It brings me energy which I bring back to her.

-Nah. She likes it. Makes me feel strong, like a Samson. Samson!

-Pete Hornberger! Tonight is the night we celebrate our bodies and our minds. Hit it!

-You enjoying yourself, Pete?

-Hey, Supersize, take of that dude. That there is my friend. Saved my life when we was in Desert Storm. Our tank broke down, he killed 14 Germans so we could get the hell outta there.

-Mind your business, son! He's embracing his power.

-You gonna make a mistake tonight!

-Lick her face!

-No, I'm just looking for the lobby, but yes you should do it.

-Be a Samson!

-She's so smooth.

-Hey, that's beautiful, I feel you, Hornberger. Whose that's tickling my feet. Ahhaha. I''m'a kick you in the face, I know that.

-Hey, Pete. Real inspiring what you did back there. Be strong now. When your wife get home, you gonna mess it up?

-Let's go.

-You going down, Pete?

Episode 13
-Hell's yes, Liz Lemon, and I have plans. Me and Angie rented the penthouse at the SoHo Grand where we will drink wine and pleasure each other.

-When you been married 17 years, you have to keep it spicy. That's why me and my wife roleplay. She put on a Girl Scout office and a box of cookies and I answer the door in my boxers. Or I rent out a wheelchair and she pretends to be my caseworker.

-Yeahhhhh.

-Ah, Jackie D. Any other time, but I made plans with my wife tonight.

-Alright. Just one. I gotta be downtown dressed as a ninja by 10.

-Yeahhhh. Sounds good. I just gotta call my wife and tell her I'm gonna be late. Hey, Angie, listen I'm gonna be- -right. I have to go.

-Well, you live it up, JD. You know where to find me if you need me.

-Can I help you?

-Oh no, our room is fine. I mean we don't smell it.

-Well, could you hurry up 'cuz my wife and I are planning a really special night tonight.

-But is it dangerous?

-Oh no, I'm married.

-Who? What?

-Oh, roleplay! Give it to me, baby. Oh, yeah!

-Just be cool. Be cool. Hang tight. Who is it?

-Baby, I'm sorry. But he's going through some stuff.

-Bu-

-Bu-

-OK, Bab-

Episode 14
-Yo, is this about that little redheaded intern? 'Cuz she asked me to take it out.

-I'm not familiar with about half the words in that sentence.

-Is that the gay guy from Project Runway?

-The dude from my checks?

-Alright sure, but thanks for inviting me.

-I'll see you in CT, Jackie D.

-You need to hook me up with one of them helicopters.

-Nah, I don't want to get in it, I want to blow it up and run away from it in slow motion.

-Damn straight. I'm delightful!

-You know the Army be messing with the sun. That's why I keep my junk covered. Once that stuff gets in your head, you're done.

-What's going on?

-Hey, I feel you. Messed-up sugar runs in my family, too.

-I don't have a daughter.

-Ahahah. That's humorous. Hey, how come you don't hire more black people around here?

-How come there's no black people here? Black people can't make light bulbs?

-How come it's just me and Carlton over here?

-So what does this golf thing kick off tomorrow?

-What? I can't help it if he got mad. You know me! I'm'a say what's on my mind, Jack.

-I'm supposed to be a funny black man who says funny things.

-OK. Um, bartender, could you bring me a mustang melon and a bag of BBQ potato chips, 'cuz apparently I'm only here to be a stereotype.

-No, I'm not embarrassing myself, I'm embarrassing you. Guess what, Jack, I'm just getting started.

-Son, I wasn't joking about those chips.

-I sure hope Mr. Jack plays his game good today, otherwise he whups my ass right well when we gets home. Ain't that right, Mr. Jack?

-I studied fried chicken at the school of hard knocks. Ain't that right, Mr. Jack?

-I'm ridiculous. I'm black. I may even be ugly, but dang God, I'm here, I'm here and nothingbutup can keep me from it.

-Would you like me to do a tapdance for you and your big time friends, Mr. Jack? Or I could run around while ya'll throw rocks at me.

-Payback. Way you treated me. You used me!

-If you can't handle Tracy Jordan, don't invite Tracy Jordan. This is what I do, I drop truth bombs, I don't care about Don Geiss, I'm a movie star!

-Told him he could suck it.

-Told her she could kiss my delicious ass.

-Excuse me. I know I wasn't asked to say anything, but I would like to share my experience with you. When my daughter Shaheeta was born she had chubby arms and legs and a big bald head. I mean, she looked like my uncle Rupert in a diaper. By the time she was 5, she was 87 pounds. I mean she could eat! But then when she was around 8 years old, I remember, it was Easter, we stayed up all night the night before watching Bible movies and eating fiddle faddle. Then I remember the next day, it was Easter Sunday. She threw up right in the middle of the Jaguar dealership. She mad sick and I carried all the way to St. Luke's Roosevelt. And the doctor said she had diabetes. I get very upset because I think I was the cause of that due to my ignorance of nutrition. And I promise Sha that night that I was gonna dedicate my efforts to raise awareness and finding a cure. And I just hope that all of you will join me. Thank you.

-That's a deal.

-Yeah, I don’t have a daughter.

Episode 15
-Yo. Remember that email that we got from those Nigerians that needed our help getting all that money out of Africa?

-We did it! I got that check today.

-Word is bond.

-I would have been happy if our only reward was just helping that dethroned prince of Nigeria, but this is great. We should treat ourselves.

-Nahhh. I don't even use the ones I have.

-That's a good idea. Yo, what's Young Larry doing these days?

-What about Cheese?

-Fatballs?

-Well, go ahead Fatballs! That's a good program.

-Like it? I love it.

-I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind a middle school, and get it pregnant.

-K, you like doing stuff for me, right? How would you like to be in my entourage?

-Well, let's see. Dotcom does the driving and the cooking. Griz is in charge of sitting on me when I get over-stimulated. Well, I have been looking for someone to harmonize with me.

-The sun will come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that, tomorrow. There'll be sun.

-Just thinking about, tomorrow.

-What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man. Yeahhhh!

-So, entourage, what's on the agenda for today

-I love Halo so much, I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

-I don't think so, K. 'Cuz I like to keep my material fresh. You know, I like to keep it so things fresh so much that I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

-Woah, who just killed me? That's never happened before.

-That's impossible I've beat all the world's best players. Griz. Dotcom. My publicist. My stylist.

-You're cheating, and I don't want to play no more. I hate this. Griz, I think it's best you come sit on me.

-Hey, I got next game. Hold up. How are you beating Kenneth, Griz? If Kenneth can beat me, and you can beat Kenneth, then by transitive property, you should beat me, too. Have you been letting me win?

-Things? Plural?

-The Easter Bunny.

-Yeah, what, cat? Yeah, Dotcom. Yeah, Griz.

-Have you two been treating me like this, all this time? Like a child? No, no, no, I won't stand for this. Entourage, disbanded!

-Ahhh. Damn it. Close, right? I feel like I'm above the rim. Can't palm the ball.

-They disrespected me!

-You're the only one I can trust, K. You're my whole entourage now.

-Yes, you can. Because you were honest with me. I don't need a couple of yes men. I need the truth.

-OK! That's enough.

-What did you tell him?

-You did what? Damn it, K. Now I have to hear from Tenisha's momma how they both met at the Twins. You have to handle this stuff better.

-But, Griz would hav- Damn it, turn on the TV for me.

-Television on! Pornography!

-Entourage!

-You gotta get me outta here.

-Get off of me!

-Help! Help!

-And I will always love you. And I will always love you.

-Yeah, of course I did. I love you guys. I love you so much I'm gonna take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant. I love you, Dotcom. I love you, Griz.

Episode 16
-Good show, Liz Lemon. Are you coming to the after after party?

-Yo, Lemon, you coming to the after after after party?

-Let's blow this joint, it's about to turn back into a taxi dispatch center. You going to the after after after after party? Yo, let's rock!

-Don't go, Liz Lemon. There's still the after after after after after party. I just gotta take my kids to soccer first.

-Yeah, yeah. He bit Shug Knight! Held Raven Simone over a balcony. Made Rasheed Wallace cry! Dude is crazy! I don't want him calling me.

-What?

-Excuse me, won't you?

-Tracy who? You looking at a ghost, JD. Dead Man Walking, The Green Mile, Christmas with the Klumps.

-Look, I am old school. Growing up, when you were mad at somebody, you just breakdance at'em. I'm talking about break hard, put it back pop pump pump, end it, gladiate, bring it back down.

-Worm it out. And then pop, blarm. Now brothers just shoot you.

-Look, Rediculos is the biggest hip hop producer in New York City and he was disrespected at my party.

-If you get rich off of this stuff, just take care of my family. I don't want my kids to have to go to college.

-Tom Cruise, 'cuz that's how Oprah says it. 'Tooommm'

-For real, Jack? The Source Awards? No, no, no.

-Death sentence number 2. Shooting people at the Source Awards is a tradition. It's like Christmas, or shooting people outside of Hot 97.

-It's not about Rediculos, who else is gonna be at this thing?

-Nope. He hates me, we used to date the same girl.

-Forget about it, I called his pitbull a gaywad on 106 and Park.

-Nope.

-Ain't nothing happening.

-No can do.

-Won't do.

-No.

-What?

-Mmm mmm.

-Hell, no! Me and his beef go way back. We were both cast members on a Nickolodeon show called Ray Ray's Mystery Garage.

-Brush your teeth, brush your teeth. When it's time for bed you gotta brush your teeth.

-I'm sorry, man, I'm pretty drunk.

-If I don't go, Rediculos is gonna kill me. If I do go, someone else is gonna kill me. See? It's a catch 22. Ahhh. He's gonna be there, too! God.

-You don't realize how beautiful a sunset is until it's the last one you'll ever see.

-Ken. I'll be gone soon, but I just wanted you to know that I've loved being your mentor and it's been an honor having you bee my manatee.

-Nothing, Ken. I'm just going through the classic stages of grief. Fear. Denial. Horniness. Wisdom. Sleepiness. And now depression.

-No, I want to do anger, you can't make me!

-Wow. The manatee has become the Mento. Wow.

-No. I think you like to dress black men as Oprah as part of your effort to protect our dignity.

-No, I don't.

-I haven't given up on life yet. I have got a plan.

-I'm gonna find a homeless man. Dress him up like me, set him on fire. Then I'm gonna start a brand new life in Arizona under the new name Ron Mexico.

-Well, I think speak for the both of us when I say cuz they're metal penises.

-What would I do, Tracy? What would I doooo-oooo.

-The choice to be excellent begins with your choice to silence your inner critic. Embrace your spirit!

-You're all wonders. You're all my miracles. You're all my children of the corn.

-Good for you! Good for you!

-Welcome to the 2007 Source Awards. A chance to come together as a community to not only look into our hearts, but to look under our seats because everyone is getting Vermont maple scoooo-ooooones.

-Girlfriend, Oprah was right. People just want to be together and get free stuff! I didn't really have to bring this!

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Episode 17
-Hey Liz Lemon, you know where I could find a good church?

-My attorney told me I should join a church preemptively, 'cuz juries are suspicious of celebrities who find religion after getting into trouble.

-Mmm, they already turned me down. I'm still not sure what happened.

-I believe the moon doesn't exist. I believe vampires are the world's greatest golfers, but their curse is that they'll never get to prove it. I believe there are 31 letters in a white alphabet. Wha-What was the question again?

-So what's your religion, Liz Lemon?

-I really appreciate you bringing me to your church, Ken.

-What kind of Presbyterian is this?

-And ya'll always meet on Wednesday nights?

-What? He pointed right at me!

-Nooooooo.

-So where do you worship?

-Hey Jack's brother, what religion are you? This one sounds really expensive and gay.

-I'm Irish Catholic.

-Hey, did you hear the good news, JD? I'm Irish Catholic now. Like you, Regis, and the Pope.

-See I can screw up now and then just go to confession. No longer do I have throw my parties in international waters.

-I don't think I want that. I'm out. I don't want nothing crushing me.

Episode 18
-I'm incognito. Some dude is trying to slap me with a subpoena for a paternity suit and the kid ain't mine.

-Cuz I remember the girl, and it's impossible. I never got out of my car, and she never got all the way out of her tollbooth.

-Doctor Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will it tell me what diseases I might get, or help me to remember my ATM pin code?

-I already know the results. The kid is not mine.

-What's the verdict, doc?

-Jasper Buckleman?

-Yeah, that's a white dude.

-That's ridiculous, I can't be white. My whole persona is based on an in depth analysis of the differences between black and white.

-This is how black people dial the phone. Boopededoopeboopedoop. This is how white people dial the phone. Boop boop boop. Boop boop boop boop.

-I gotta call my wife. Boop boop boop boop. Ahhhhh. Ahh. Ahhhhh.

-I can't do this sketch.

-Because you can't have a white dude playing a criminal. That's a negative portrayal of my people!

-I don't know who I am anymore. There's been a black man inside of me for a long time. Now there's a white guy up in here, too. It's like an audience for a Bobby Mcfarin concert up in here.

-Of course you would say that. You wish you were white.

-See. Now you know what I'm going through.

-I think I am.

-No! I hate you, Thomas Jefferson! I don't know who I am anymore! You can't be my father!

-Yo, Toof. How you doing?

-Well, listen. Dream Jefferson told me some amazing stuff. He said, it's not about who you were, it's about who you are right now.

-Let me shoot something at you. I came up with a movie idea for all of this and I want you to write it.

-It's the story about Thomas Jefferson. Only thing, we're gonna do it like Norbit where I play all the parts.

-Hahah. It's not a comedy, it's a drama.

Episode 19
-Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Don Geiss, would you like some grenadine or fried rice?

-Sir, I have a movie project that is going to blow your mind. I call it, 'Jefferson'.

-No, Thomas Jefferson. I just recently found out that he went to town on one of my ancestors, so we're related.

-And Sally Hemmings and King George! I'm gonna play all the parts. Did you know he had a lisp? 'What's up sthupid jerks, I'm Tshomas Jeffersonst. So we're gonna need about $35 million to do this thing right.

-I pitched my Jefferson movie to Don Geiss, he said no. He said people only see movies because of the previews. And he couldn't visualize my Jefferson preview. He wants me to do Fat Bitch II instead.

-It's not the kind of stuff I want to do anymore, Ken. I want to be taken seriously. What should I do?

-You're right, K, I should make my own Jefferson preview and show it to Don Geiss.

-Hey, Liz Lemon, where you going? Listen, I'm gonna need to make a fake trailer for my Jefferson film. I'm gonna need the entire resources of the show for no more than 3 weeks. You in?

-Liz Lemon, you are my Alexander Hamilton.

-Writers, listen, I need your help.

-Oh, hey, Liz Lemon. Could you go away for a while? I gotta get rid of Freddie's erection.

-Freddy's playing the part of Thomas Jefferson's horse Coracticus. We needed a place to keep him until we shoot his stunts.

-Jack said I could. This movie is my destiny. It's the reason why God put me on this earth.

-Pray, who be this Tracy Jordan thou speakest off?

-Speakest.

-Well, stand guard by his rump and await it in his droppings.

-Aha. I like you, young man. You shall run my university.

-Mr. Geiss, I know we disagreed on my next movie project, but I hope this will change your mind. I give you this.

-Ahhh. Hoe that dirt. Put your back into it.

-Ah. Bring me my horse. Bring me Coracticus. You come along.

-Who are these Americans with their ridiculous ideas of freedom and equality?

-Eat that, King George!

-I shall call it, Susan.

-I'm with child.

-What?

-Will you free me and make me your wife.

-Uh, I'm gonna have to get back to you on that.

-Kill them. Ahh, kill them all.

-This is for you, Don Geiss, haha.

-Ahh. Get me off this horse.

-Well, Mr. Geiss, what do you think?

-He said no. Then he offered me $7 million to reprise my role as Cocoa the Dog.

-No. I turned him down.

-Look, Thomas Jefferson made his own country, I'm going to make my own movie. Finance it myself. All on my terms. Now whose with me?

-Good, good. Now first order of business. Get that dead horse out of car.

Episode 20
-They turned me down, Liz Lemon.

-The damn bank. I need a loan to finance my Thomas Jefferson movie. It's gonna be at least $30 million with all the claymation sex scenes in it.

-It's alright. The movie's just a small part of my plan.

-Tracy Jordan comeback. I'm doing a comedy tour, a Michael McDonald comedy album.

-What can I do? I'm on my grind. I'm'a have so much money, my grandkids are gonna play lacrosse. Lacrosse, Liz Lemon.

-What?

-Why would he say that? What have I ever done to embarrass black people?

-Because the Jet's lost!

-This is no coincidence.

-The bank loan. The Michael McDonald situation. Temple University. Dr. Cosby is sending a message!

-They're out to destroy me!

-The Black Crusaders.

-Harsh? I'm done. The Black Crusaders want to make an example out of me.

-The Black Crusaders are a secret group of powerful black Americans. Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey are the chief majors, but Jessie Jackson, Colin Powell, and Gordon from Sesame St, they're members, too. And they meet 4 times a year in the skull of the Statue of Liberty. You can read about that on the interweb.

-Right. Ahaha. Make fun of me all you want, Liz Lemon. Do you know they'll ruin anybody who they think are making black people look bad? They tanked 50 Cent's movie. They blew out Terrell Owens' ankle and they canceled Eddie Murphy's Oscar 'cuz he had ran out on Scary Spice. And now they're after Tracy Jordan!

-Man, I wish somebody else had seen that.

-Have you seen the cover of this month's Oprah Magazine? That is an anagram of outlaw salad tray.

-The Black Crusaders are trying to get rid of me. They want me to disappear like Coolio.

-Hello, Liz Lemon? It's me. Stacy Gordon. I can't tell you that. I'm sorry, Liz Lemon, I wanna thank you for everything you've done, but I quit.

-Starting a new life.

Episode 21
-Starting a new life.

-I think, I think you must have me confused with someone else, my name is Gordon Tremeshco.

-Kenneth should have given you the code word.

-That's it.

-Hey, thanks for taking me in, Jesse. I won't be a burden. Now make me a smoothie and let's go clubbing.

-Shhhhh.

-Was that Kenneth? What's going on in New York? Did he go to Russell Simmons' birthday party? Were there girls there with butts?

-Right.

-What's up?

-I'll tell you what you're looking at! I'm…Gordon Tremeshco.

-Kenneth, you have to come get me!

-I don't care what they do to me anymore. I'd rather die famous than live for a hundred years like this! Carrying plastic bags, sitting on benches, brushing my own teeth. This is unsuitable.

-Hey, dude, Jessie. Hey, listen, I gotta get outta here because of-

-Ahhhh.

-Ahhh.

-Thanks, Kenneth, for saving me.

-I think it's gonna be about immigration.

-Come on! Hey, do you guys know what's causing the traffic problem?

-Do you know how long it's gonna take for me to get to Midtown?

-Hey, I need you to take me.

-But I'm gonna miss the show!

-Ken, you are my boy!

-Oh my God, what a terrible mistake accident. Would you take 6th Avenue please?

-I got a lot on my plate right now, Ken.

-I'm back!

-Liz Lemon, I would like to recommend Kenneth the page for NBC medal of excellence.

-I got a lot on my plate!

-Wait, I don't know what this is.

-OK. Take this Black Crusaders, it's cowboy hey hey.

(Thanks for visiting Unlikely Words. If you liked what you read Subscribe to RSS, check out our About Page, read some of our favorite posts or follow us on Twitter)

###

Possibly related posts:

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 3

aaron cohen — Mon, 18 May 2009 14:05:09 +0000

Anytime Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordan has a scene on 30 Rock, my brain shuts off and it's difficult to function. It's the combination of delivery and content, and there's hardly ever a scene throughout which, I'm not giggling foolishly. In celebration, I thought I'd post everything he said in 30 Rock Season 3. If you guys like it, I'll do Season 1 and Season 2, too.

Some of these lines are made funnier by adding context. For the most part, however, they're funnier without, so I didn't include any. Yes, this is basically a transcription of his lines without comment and I could have just copied and pasted out of the scripts. However, they're not online, so I watched every episode again, just for you. Leave your favorite lines in the comments, enjoy!

Episode 1
"It's official, I'm a genius. My video game is selling through the riznoof."

"61 million copies at 60 dollars each."

"I don't know, I think I did it alone, and this check is the priznoof."

"I know what you're hinting at, Liz Lemon. That I should get my rap career going again. [Whispering] All in due time."

"Nobles Oblige, yes. Let's go shopping. To the Bat Mobile!"

"Attention everyone. I'd like to thank everyone involved for making my video game the most profitable thing since the war on terra!"

"Yes, I am provocative!"

"Frank, for all your hard work, please accept this set of solid gold nunchuks."

"Petey Pete, for letting us use the sound booth, please accept this chinchilla coat."

"You're going to get so much nice nice in that, you're going to have to grow another ding-."

"Bev, [kissing] mwah. Now you look out for my girl Liz because me and her go way back like spinal chords and car seats."

"You're going to sue me? Who do you think you are, the San Diego zoo?"

"You can't sue me, I'm already being sued. Double indemnity!"

Episode 2
"Do you know who I am? Seriously, please, tell me who I am."

"Liz Lemon! Nemesis."

"OK, two can play at that game. Liz, could you please tell Kenneth that Liz wants him?"

"Mediation is a binding form of non-judicial dispute resolution."

"I watched Boston Legal 9 times before I realized it wasn't a new Star Trek."

"What? Please. We are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to black folks. It's like when Adrian Brody kissed Halle Berry at the Oscars."

"White people stole jazz, rock and roll, Will Smith, AND heart disease. Now they think they can take my hard earned money."

"Liz Lemon? That chick is dumb."

"Do you know it's still illegal to be black in Arizona."

"If it weren't for your people I'd still be in Africa. Gorgeous, politically stable, Africa."

"Whatever, you couldn't last one day in my shoes, Maroney, right, Toph?"

"OK, I will."

"Freaky Friday social experiment."

"Liz, it's Becky, your college roommate. See Liz Lemon, you're already treating me with more respect."

"You wait til I test this noise out on society. Minds will be blown."

"You can't fix this Liz Lemon, it's about race. It's about man and woman. It's about money. It's about being on TV. And no one understands all that."

"Hi strangers, do you think I'm sexy. Giggle, giggle, giggle."

"I'm meeting my girlfriends for brunch, I hope we can sit outside. Lipstick. Heeheehee."

"Good morning!"

"They ran out of white makeup because I insisted they do my buttocks."

"Good morning!"

"Jenna and I are doing a social experiment."

"I haven't seen Oprah since she did that episode about the worst celebrity dads."

"Uh, how you doing?"

"It's the way my world is right now."

"I've been hearing, but I haven't been listening."

"Lean on me, when you're not strong."

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Episode 3

"What's wrong, Ken. You got wife eyes!"

"Is there nothing sacred? Have we lost our moral center? It just makes me want to pee on someone."

"I hate to see you like this, Ken Doll. It's like an owl without a graduation cap. Heartbreaking!"

"So what can I buy you to make you happy?"

"Court? At night? I'm already laughing. Tell me more."

"So you never got closure with those beloved characters?"

"You ready for your big surprise?"

"Tadah!"

"That's right, K, and they're here for you!"

"My boy Ken has written a masterpiece. And trust me, I use that word a lot."

"I don't know, Ken, this is bad. I wish this was an episode of Night Court because then there'd be some big joke right now."

"You have to go through with this wedding, Harry, it means the world to my boy Ken."

"OK, so you and Markdeline have some bad blood, but it's bigger than that. My boy Kenneth, is going through some really tough times. They're trying to make him wear a coat that's different than his other coat."

"You won't regret this, Harry, you look great."

"It's happening."

"A problem that persists, Liz Lemon."

"I want a different answer, where's Jack Donaghy."

"Ken! You did it! You changed her mind!"

"I added that. I went upstairs and I told them if, 'you don't bring back the old uniforms, I refuse to play the role of Mac in Unversal's upcoming Night Court movie.'"

"Are you OK?"

Episode 4

"I don't want to go home, Ken. You know my two sons, Tracy Jr and George Foreman? They've been acting really weird lately."

"Nowhere."

"Those two have never paid me any attention. And rightly so, I'm a strange man who can't be taken seriously. Now they won't let me out of their sight."

"Nope, look at what the little one made me."

"This is voodoo, Ken! Those two are up to something."

"Well, there is all this new money coming in. And it's not just from the video game. It's the tie-ins, the toys, the life size Tracy Jordan sex doll that's selling like hotcakes in Japan!"

"I thought that was just the tagline for my movie, Deathbank."

"What? Say it! My kids are going to kill me!"

"Hey, guys, daddy's home. Don't Menendez me. Ahhhhhhhhh."

"Or am I?"

"That's not me, that's the Tracy Jordan Japanese sex doll. You can tell us apart because IT'S not suffering from a vitamin deficiency."

"To use as a decoy. So my greedy children will murder it and I'll be able to escape un-Menendezed."

"Or is it. The parallels between the Jordans and the Menendi are uncanny!"

"Both families are rich. Both families have two sons. And both families are staples of court TV."

"Exactly!"

"You want to get one? I can get you one."

"It begins."

"I love you, too, son. Stop it. Stop...patriciding. It's me. There's nothing to be freaked out about. That's just a Japanese sex doll in daddy's bed. Now you listen. You don't have to ever worry about me leaving because I'll always be there to take care of you. And there's something else. If anything ever happens to me, you, and your brother are going to go to jail."

"Liz Lemon, look, I'm not dead."

"Oh, also everything worked out with Jenna's dad visiting."

"Oh, you weren't really around for any of that."

"I would feel safer with some Saltines."

"Or am I?"

Episode 5

"You gotta go to your reunion. You get to get back everyone who ever messed with you."

"You said I'd never amount to anything. Look at me now, look at this necklace."

"How come there ain't no Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? They got every race and lifeform in the galaxy, except for Puerto Ricans. What's up with that?"

"Because Kenneth got a bigger laugh in the elevator than me today. And where were you two? Your job is to protect me from embarrassment."

"Making up words won't save you, ok? We're going to get on an elevator with Kenneth and you're going to laugh at my jokes."

"Hey, elevator, what's this? A ghetto mating call."

"Jenna, we're the most important people here, right?"

"And people around here shouldn't take attention from us, should they?"

"It's not the baby, it's Kenneth."

"Yeah, he does."

"That sounds really nice."

"We have to stop him!"

"This studio hosted the Kraft Television Theater where young writers like Patty Tchaiovsky and Rod Sterling first rose to prominence."

"It doesn't feel good when someone does your job, does it?

"I don't like it when you do jokes in the elevator. That's my job."

"[Crying] We're not really best friends. We're just good friends. I just want you to stop."

Episode 6

"Colorful sweaters?"

"[Crying] That kid's never going to be a doctor. Better buy it a jet ski."

"And NBC has to pay for our cabs to the airport."

"And I'm not going anywhere for Christmas."

"Nonononononono. I will not let you go into that neighborhood alone. In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo-"

"-And shalamsazam to you, too, my sister- We'll go with you uptown. And remember, Dotcom, you are there to protect ME, and not Liz Lemon."

"Thanks a lot, I never operated a camera before. I'm serious, that was very helpful."

"What's the past tense for scam? Is it scrummed? Liz Lemon, I think you just got scrummed."

"Oh, really? We're both black, so we must know each other."

"Hey, Irennnnnnne. Novicki hook you up with this job? Oh, girl, you better stop."

"Well, if all you want is a hug from a black person, maybe you should just host the Price is Right."

"Alright, I'll call Griz and Dotcom. I'm sure they're not doing anything."

"Or Basquiat."

"Our guest is sung with everyone from Paul Anka to Crocodile Dundee. Cross to Piano. Ladies and gentlemen, Jenna Maroney!"

"Liz Lemon, I know you're going to be all alone on Christmas Day, so if you like, you can spend it with the Jordans."

"Good, we'll be over at 2. My kids have a peanut allergy, but my dogs only eat steak."

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Episode 7

"Give me an example."

"Jack, you don't get it. I don't want to spend so much, I have to. I'm afraid Angie will divorce me if I ever have enough for her to live off of half. So before she can get it, I have to spend it on useless things like gold shoes and Griz and Dotcom."

"I don't gotta pre-nup. When Angie and I got married, my only assets were a toaster oven and two tickets to a Young MC concert."

"OK. I'll bring Angie in, but I'm going to tell her this is all YOUR idea."

"Don't help me, I'm too proud."

"You're not?!"

"She's done it before, Jack!"

"Forget it. I know you're not going to leave me. I've got somebody whose going to watch me die."

"This is happening, Jack. You can stay or you can leave, but it's going to take a while."

"There he is. I owe you, Jackie D. When I'm on my deathbed frenching my wife, I will think of you."

"This is real people. This is not a drill."

"They do that a lot in movies. An Afair to Remember, Sleepless in Seattle, and that remake of An Affair to Remember that I was in, A Blfair to Rememblack."

"Wooooow. Now you have what me and Angie have, minus the hypertension."

"I'll do it."

"Hello, yes, ok, thank you."

"The test was positive. Nonono. I mean positive like it's good. The test results were negative. Oh, I see your confusion. That's funny. Ahahaha. Ahahaha. Funny. Jack thought the test results was positive."

Episode 8

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Lalalalalalalalal."

"They said it was a flu shot, but I know it was really a truth serum?"

"Then why am I telling you you look like Tootsie today."

"Yeah."

"We didn't know what to get them and then I had a brainstorm. It was a bad one, Jenna had to put my tongue guard in."

"So, go do that."

"My what?"

"No."

"With what, my arms?"

"That would be the worst part."

"Yeah, for the crew, cuz it's they birthday."

"Yeah, we were out getting soup for the crew. Nope. We forgot about that, too. We were out shopping together. We had fun, though."

"Yeah, I tried on a lot of outfits."

"I know. I also want to thank you for controlling yourself sexually, while we spent time together on this adventure."

"Give it to me, it's mine."

"Medicine?"

"No!"

"Attention, ladies and germs and gentleman. Are you ready to feel better, cuz we have just the thing."

"No. Now in the grand tradition of Patch Adams, prepare yourself for the comic stylings of Tracy the Amazing and Jenna!"

"What, why aren't you laughing? This is happening to Liz."

Episode 9

"So, how am I looking Dr. Spaceman?"

"Diabetes?"

"So, how bad is diabetes, really?"

"Could I replace it with a wheel, like Rosie from the Jetson's?"

"It's a practice wheel for when I lose my foot to diabetes."

"There's no link between diabetes and diet. That's a white myth, Ken. Like Larry Bird or Colorado."

"Word."

"And I heard that from Yusef Jackson."

"Diabetes and diet. Next you'll be telling me that leasing a sports car is a bad investment."

"K. What's up with this disgusting stuff?"

"N-O-E. No. E."

"I didn't say anything."

"Through the stone?"

"I'm fine, Ken. I have so much energy, my hand keeps dancing."

"Hmmm. What is this?"

"Damn, K. That is weak. I'm a fourty year old man. You think I'ma be scared into eating some stuff because some-"

"Ahhhhh. I renounce everything. Cover your brain."

Episode 10

"What's up, Brian?"

"Of course not, I transcend race."

"You shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition at. But yeah, I'm in."

"A yard, like a lawn? Yes I have."

"I went out with the interns. Those white boys are not kidding around. Have you ever tasted scotch? It's terrible! And this thing they call 'box seats at the Ranger's game,' it's so cold. And what is Rohyphnal?"

"So I shouldn't have taken 2 of them for my headache?

"Hey, you know it, Bri-man."

"I have no idea what either one of us just said."

"I have a rep to maintain. If I can't keep up with a bunch of Wall St frat boys- uh, oh, here come the Roofies. You can do whatever you want to me."

"I'm going to. I'm Tracy Jordan. Why would I be afraid of fire next to my mouth."

"Ken, these interns are wearing me out. It's like I said in my non-hit comedy 'Cruise Boat,' I'm getting too old for this ship."

"Yes there is. Do you know what happens to a comedian when he gets old and loses his audience? He starts to get offered serious roles. And do you really want to see me play Arthur Ashe?"

"Exactly, so if I'm going to keep my hilarious reputation, these interns gotta go."

"Then I'll find something for them to do."

"I'm doing this so no one will know I'm getting old."

"This interview is over."

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Episode 11

"NBC, blah blah blah, thank you."

"Ken, you need to snap out of it and ask out that sexy Ms Magoo.

"I know love at first site when I see it. I saw it when I met Angie. I saw it the first time Dotcom laid eyes on Griz's fiance."

"Now's the time for gallantry."

"Well, cotton and fiddles, I enjoy your smile."

"You may call me, Kenneth the Page, cuz that is who I am. Would you like to go out with me tomorrow night? Yes, indeedy corn cobs."

"It's a Valentimesdatelydoo."

"That's how you get to Manhatten's fanciest restaurant."

"Yes, I found it on my favorite website. Stopshowingoff.com."

"It's the best, darn tootenist restaurant in all of New York."

"Not just any entertainment, the best singer in the world. Michael McDonald."

"It doesn't have to end here, ya'llsies."

"That is cold, blind lady. Oh, and by the way, you're not so attractive yourself."

"Yes, you are."

"I tried."

Episode 12

"You know it! I cursed for three hours straight just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch!"

"You got it. NGS, Fridays at C30 on TB10."

"But then he scores a basket even though he's not a wolf anymore."

"Good. I'm glad I'm here."

"Larry, I'm not an expert, but I do have a strong opinion. New York, as we know it, will no longer exist tomorrow."

"Look. I grew up here, Larry, in the days before Starbuck. And if Wall St crashes, it'll be the 1970's all over again. People will get mean. The streets won't be safe. It'll be graffiti everywhere. And the movies will only cost 3 dollars."

"Uhm, my work has taken me there. I was supposed to be in that movie Rush Hour, but two weeks into shooting, I was replaced by Jackie Chan."

"Larry, what everyone needs to do is just take a deep breath, calm down, and start preparing their bodies for the Thunderdome. That is the new law."

"Devil's avocado here, Larry. I think people should freak the geek out. Withdraw all your money and hide it."

"It's what I've always done. I hide cash everywhere. At home, at church, even at work. In fact, I've hidden so much money, that if some of it was gone, I probably wouldn't even notice."

"I don't know."

"I'm saying the Disneyfication of New York is over, everyone. At the stroke of midnight, your Lexus is going to turn back into a hot pile of rats fighting over a human finger."

"Hang on. I know Jack Donaghy and that is an imposter. Hang up. Hang up on him, Larry."

"Hey, I recognize that voice anywhere, Larry. That's my friend Peter Frampton on the phone."

"Of course, Pete. I hid my money in the safest place at 30 Rock. Without giving it away, the place I picked is very dry and warm. Its top is hard, but its bottom is soft. And although the location changes all the time, the money stays in the same place."

"I already told you. It's dry and warm. Its top is hard, but its bottom is soft. And although the location changes, it's always in the same place."

"I never said it was a thing."

"Watch TGS, Fridays at 10:30. Word!"

Episode 13

"Thanks for coming out, thanks for watching. Love, peace, and hairgrease!"

"That's because I don't have a birthday, Ken."

"I don't have a birth certificate, cuz I was born inside of Yankee Stadium. I bounced around foster families so much, no one ever bothered to throw me a party."

"I don't need a birthday cause I buy myself all the presents I need. And because of my drinking, they're often a surprise."

"But I don't have a birthday!"

"I do feel it. You're all so amazing. And to think I was just calling ya'll a bunch of racists."

"I did not know that?"

"Suree, Suree, Suree."

"You were right, Ken, birthday's are special. And now mine's is over. And who knows when February 24th will come again. Now that warm happy feeling is gone, there's no cake in my mouth, and that birthday wish is malarkey. Malarkey!"

"Come on, Daniel."

"My birthday wish came to true!"

"I wished for you to get better. I was gonna to wish for breakfast in bed with Robocop while an elephant paints us."

"But then I saw you with that backbrace on right before I blew out my candles. It's a birthday miracle!"

"Ahhhahaaahah. Ahhhahaha."

Episode 14

"Here come the County Court Steppers. Their traditional dance celebrates the spirit and the ingenuity of the Irish people."

"Wake up, Motherfu-"

"I feel I should be rewarded for going this long without swearing on live TV."

"50 grand? Can anyone cut this in half."

"OK, great meeting."

"There you are, Liz Lemon. You wanna buy half a watch? I have to pay my fine in cash. I guess FCC stands for Federal Bunch of Sticklers."

"I sure have. I learned that if you pay some money afterwards, you can say whatever you want on TV. I can even say what Earnest Borgnine whispered to me at-"

"That's always the lesson! If you have money you can do whatever you want. Now I'm off to appear on Martha Steward Live. Ooh, it's gonna be raunchy."

"Hello, Liz Lemon. Just catching up on some work. What sounds more shocking '[Bleeeeeeeep]' or '[Bleeeeeeeep]'?

"Hear you go. Everything's OK."

"I don't want to hurt the crew. I love the crew. All we do is joke around together about our stupid boss Liz Lem-"

"Great idea, Liz Lemon!"

"The first two thirds! I don't need to stop being myself if I AM the advertiser! I have the money. I'll just buy up all of the ads and let that hilarious Tracy Jordan character do whatever he wants."

"We'll see about that."

"Kenneth, I need you to set up a meeting with you and the folks from ad sales. What do you mean you're not in charge anymore?"

"I do not apologize, America. I did not even write that apology. I am advertiser Tracy Jordan and I approve this message. I am an advertiser. I am an advertiser. Is that 30 seconds, yet?"

"Hey, America, check out my fun cooker!"

"Hi. I'm Tracy Jordan. My wife is throwing away some of our old towels. Do you want them cuz they're out by the trash cans. Now that's gots to be 30 seconds. Nine? OK, here comes the fun cooker."

"Can we get some Diet Slice and pita chips up in here?"

"All I did is ask for some Diet Slice and some pita chips."

Episode 15

"Hey, Ken, do you know what I have a craving for?"

"And some?"

"You are my Radar O'Reilly, Ken. Now get in here and rub my feet til you hear a chopper coming."

"This is better than a family. No one around here asks me for my damn bone marrow."

"OK. Sorry it took me so long to answer. I was just thinking about how weird it is that we eat birds."

"How is this not really about money?"

"What's that now, Charles?"

"I never thought of it like that. Thank you. I quit. Goodbye."

"Hello?"

"Bill Cosby? You gotta a lot of nerve getting on the phone with me after what you did to my Aunt Paulette."

"1971, Cincinnatti. She was the cocktail waitress with the droopy eye."

"Try to tell me what to do? Dr Heathcliff Huxtable with your light-ass kids. Jack, why would you make me talk to this man?"

"[Singing] 'My girl has a fat neck.' I'm sharp, let's do it again."

"Oh, hey, Cranston, I was looking for Kenneth."

"[Singing] 'Fat neck girl let me count your neck rings.' Family? Whose in charge of my thirst?"

"Cranston, why hasn't Kenneth called me back yet? I miss him. Cranston? Why are you crying?"

"Hey, Ken? I've been calling you, has Cranston not been giving you my messages?"

"Yeah, well. Don't worry. I just came to get a few of my things. And I won't bother you."

"Alright. I guess that's everything. But I want you to know. If I walk out that door, Ken, I'm not gonna call again. It's over. You understand?"

"You used Cranston as his gatekeeper?"

"Wait a minute, you want to fire my boy, Ken?"

"Unless?"

"You say Kenneth can't work here because I don't work here. But if I work here, so can Kenneth."

"Of course you don't, you idiot. I'm coming back to work, Jack. With Kenneth!"

"I'll be in my dressing room."

Episode 16

"I will be brief. I have decided to fulfill my dream of going into space. If you have a spaceship and are looking for a hilarious astronaut with an irregular heartbeat and thirty million dollars, I am prepared to leave as soon as tomorrow. I wrote that yesterday. I will not be taking questions."

"What is this, Horseville? Cuz I am surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay!"

"Look, when I was a kid growing up in the projects, I would look up at the stars and dream of going into space. Of escaping the slums. Of killing the Ewok! Now the man that kid has become can make those dreams come true. Do you know what that's like?"

"Then you know why I have to do this. As Robert Browning once wrote, 'Ho, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what is a heaven for? I was prepared for the possibility of this meeting."

"Thank you, Jacky D!"

"At least it's a dry heat here in Florida."

"Computer, when do I get some Tang? Also, I'm thirsty. Hahahahaha. Wordplay. Hahaha."

"I'm scared, but I'm also excited! Hahahah. Ooooh. I'm Lizzing. Hahaha. Lizzing. I'm Lizzing."

"Tracy to Earth. Come in Earth."

"Great wink, Kenneth. Space is very cold, but very beautiful. And sometimes it sounds like Jenna yelling in the distance. I think I- Oh my God, where did you get that rocket?"

"It's awesome."

"Hey, Jacky D. If everyone could see the world the way I see it, it would be a better place to live!"

"I think so. I wish I was there so I could play with it."

Episode 17

"Dessert."

"Someone put too many farts in this engine, it's about to explode."

"I'm Flava Obama and I'd like to introduce our Undersecretary of Housing and Crystal Meth, boooooyyyyy."

"It's farting. It's farting."

"That's our show for tonight, see you next week!"

"This is TGS."

"Woah, K."

"I'm sorry, but just let me know if there's any way I can help."

"No, I was just saying that. Why can't you read human facial cues? Alright, what is it?"

"Yeah, OK. Birds are like little dinosaurs. So what I'll be doing is actually pretty cool and brave."

"What?"

"Hey, little guy."

"I wasn't going to. I wasn't going to. Ahhh."

"Jenna, something weird is going on."

"No, it's not that. Jenna, you're the smartest person I know. Do you think Kenneth could be a murderer?"

"Well, I might be crazy, but neither he, nor his bird would let me into his bedroom. And why wouldn't you want to let Tracy Jordan into your bedroom unless you got a bunch of dead nurses in there."

"He grew up killing pigs."

"No wonder he's fascinated when I do that."

"I admonished him for that earlier. Three for three, he's a monster."

"Hey, K. Where's Jonathan?"

"Uh, huh."

"Yeah, it's about someone else. I'm afraid this guy I know in Canada might be a serial killer."

"Kenneth. I mean, I'll tell you his name. It's Kenneth."

"If I had any doubts about this before, and I don't think I did, they're gone now."

"Yeah, like Julia and Denzel in the Pelican Brief."

"Jenna, I just want you to know, that if we find any human remains in there, I'm gonna throw up all over your face."

"Oh, no. Kenneth's a murderer and a Riddler is coming."

"Yeah, but on the bright side, you've been downgraded from suspect to person of interest."

"Hahahaha. Time does heal all wounds."

"Ken, we feel bad that we, but mostly Jenna, gassed your bird."

Episode 18

"No, Passive resistance. I learned that from Dr. King. I'm brave!"

"I don't need to read it. The entire thing is loosely based on an evening I spent with Isaiah Thomas."

"Alright, enough. This fighting stops now."

"I knew this would happen someday. A woman would come between us. Well I'm not standing by, I'm taking action."

"Well, Liz Lemon's in jail now and somebody has to step up and take charge around here."

"Let the problem solving begin."

"Are you Daphne? Yeah, you're fired."

"I had to. Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like that HBO show, John Adams."

"Hmmm, usually this is the point in my process where Liz Lemon steps in and takes care of everything. Heavy is the head that eats the crayons. Gonna take a nap, see you in 10 hours."

"No we don't, he's not even gonna notice they're gone."

"These are the new dancers, Ken. Say hi to Velvet."

"Just think, an hour ago they were broiling in the parking lot, but tonight they're gonna be stars. Oh boy."

"As we celebrate the life of Jenna Maroney."

"That was some of Jenna Maroney's earlier work. It's hard to believe that both of those women outlived her, especially the woman on the right. We'll be right back."

"And finally tonight. What more fitting way to say goodbye to our friend than with the gift she gave all of us, her music. Ladies and gentlemen, Issac Bimmelmans and the Tracy Jordan Dancers."

"Why are you smiling, you're freaking me out."

"You're crazy."

(Thanks for visiting Unlikely Words. If you liked what you read Subscribe to RSS, check out our About Page, read some of our favorite posts or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 19

"We've narrowed it down, Liz Lemmon."

"This Saturday is the 20th anniversary of the night that me and Angie met. She was working at the Diker Heights Arthur Treaches and I was residing there. She slipped me a free shrimp combo and we've been together ever since, so this present has to be special. It's either going to be a denim jacket that says 'Hot Bitch' in diamonds, or a Slanket."

"You are wise, Liz Lemon, like a genetically manipulated shark. So as a token of my gratitude, I got something especially for you."

"Liz Lemon, you dummy."

"I asked Angie what she wanted for our anniversary, and she wants me to get a tattoo of her name."

"And above it she wants this picture of her face. I can't have this on my chest scaring off beautiful women in the clubs."

"You know I like to socialize, Liz Lemon. And you know my signature move with the ladies."

"It's taking off my shirt."

"Now, it's a Sophie's Choice. I can't get this tattoo and I can't tell Angie 'no'."

"That's a start, Liz Lemmon, that's a start."

"Dotcom, that is a great idea. If you want everyone to think I own a gay lion. Tangiers?"

"Look, this is my reputation we're talking about here. Use your heads."

"Continue."

"-Is for me to arrange a test of erotic temptation. Yes."

"We're going out tonight, Jacky D, and we're going to be tempted like Jesus in the wilderness. Jesus is my stereo guy and the Wilderness is a club I took him to once."

"Sure thing, baby. Give a kid a call, hmm? Holla?"

"Tip of the iceberg, Jacky D. You can have all of this whenever you want. Or, you could marry that nice lady you're in love with. It's up to you."

"Of course I do. Angie's the one."

"It's a thing I made up after seeing the Matrix."

"OK. This is something I've never told anyone. This is my terrible secret. In 20 years that I've known her, I've never cheated on my wife. There, I said it. Don't look at me."

"The partying is just for show, and because I'm a high-functioning alcoholic. All those phone numbers you see me handing out? They're not even mine."

"So can you. Because I'm a ridiculous unstable human being."

"And if Angie wants me to get a tattoo of her to prove my life, then I'm getting that tattoo."

"Griz, get the car. Dotcom get the coats and which one of your ladies wants to pick up the tab."

"No and at large. I mighta went out and had too a little much to drink last night, but you'll be proud of me, Liz Lemon Cool J, because I went out and got that tattoo Angie wanted me to get. Pow! How you like me now?"

Episode 20

"What the hell time is it?"

"No, I took my son to his cello recital this morning at what turned out to be midnight yesterday! White opressors, answer my question. What time is it really?"

"You're a bunch of racists."

"You treat me like a child. No worse than that. You treat me like one of those little pageant girls with the clip on teeth."

"Irregardless, you know what? Race card!"

"I think I've made my point."

"Don't patronize me with your Celtic slang, Liz Lemon, we have a black president now."

"This is post-racial America, and I demand to be treated like everyone else."

"Fine."

"Fine, I'll bring my lunch from home."

"You don't think I can do that?"

"Fine, but I'll have the last laugh. Hahahaha."

"Professional is my middle name."

"No need, I've got it memorized."

"I'm going to do a Valentino cross, camera right, then dump the lavs, so stay on your fours, guys."

"3:15, time for union break."

"No. Do not apologize. In fact, everyone? Everyone gather round. Actor announcement. I want to publicly thank you, Liz Lemon, for you have shown me, that in today's world, everyone should be treated exactly the same. No one should get preferential treatment."

"Not black comedy superstars, not Hispanics, not Indians, not whatever this guy is. And not women, Liz Lemon."

"Good. I feel parched from being so professional, could I trouble you for some water?"

"No. No. Equality. Everyone should be treated the same, right Liz Lemon? You should change it."

"No one help her."

"Hello, Liz Lemon. I was just telling these fellas how you don't want to be treated any differently because you're a woman."

"Good. We're learning."

"Hello, Elizabeth."

"I'm done with my work, I was very professional."

"It was."

"You coming, Liz Lemmon? Because a dude boss would be a jerk if he didn't come to Lutz's bachelor party. Also a dude boss, would pay for it."

"Twist."

"I don't want to be here, I don't like it here. Who is this guy?"

"The black one. I can't take it anymore. I hate it."

"Everything is upside down."

"Yes, we upset the natural order. You're going to strip clubs, I'm up writing all night."

"We're dressing monkeys up as people and monkeys are playing with people as toys!"

"We don't wanna end up like those two!"

Episode 21

"Come on in, Jack, I'm just practicing sitting."

"Because he's dead."

"Because if that man was alive, he'd be living in my pool house and I'd be paying him two hundred thousand dollars a year to mow my lawn."

"I feel like you're not telling me something, Jack. Let me guess. You bought a sidecar for your motorcycle and your dog won't stay in it."

"Why? Jack, every man should know his father."

"No it wasn't. I struggled through that sentence. But I know what I'm talking about because not long ago a son I didn't know about found me."

"My love child tracked me down. I was shocked, scared, angry. Like a dog in a sidecar when it comes loose from the motorcycle. But it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me."

"Everybody, gather up. Actor announcement. No, human announcement."

"There's something I want you all to hear directly from me before you read about it in next month's issue of Black Entrepreneur and Butts Magazine. I have an illegitimate son."

"Obviously, my family wanted to keep this private, but somehow, those vultures in the media found out about it."

"Like a dog in a sidecar when it comes loose from the motorcycle. But it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me."

"Oh, noooooooo."

"Now, I didn't know about this boy up until three years ago, but I've been supporting him financially ever since. And I want you all to meet him."

"I want you bastards to meet my bastard. My baby boy, Donald Jordan."

"Well, as long as it's for something you need."

"I love you, man."

"Why won't this stupid gizmo do what I want. I'm going to miss the lotto drawing."

"Of course, why would I lie about my age, I'm in the entertainment industry."

"Not familiar, but what about this song? [Singing] Tea is great after being out late, after walking my baby ba-"

"39."

"Yes you are, son. That's what that birth certificate you printed out for me said."

"Yes I do, and I left the amount blank, just like you asked."

"Donald's opening a dojo."
I
"Hey, remember this song? [Singing] If e'r a fair maiden, a knight chance to see."

"OK, that was to put in Dotcom's birthday card. But you're right. The card is enough."

"I know."

"Liz Lemon, I might hug people too hard and get lost in malls. But I'm not an idiot."

"When Donald came to me he was a fast talking charmer from the wrong side of the track. He reminded me of someone, Liz Lemon, Jon Travolta's character from Grease. And me."

"Call it what you want, but in the last three years, Donald has gone from scamming celebrities to being a small business owner."

"And the community center is thriving. Do you know Kenneth's eighty dollars bought a chess set and a crate of condoms?"

"That's what ya'll naming it? Thank you, son. Thank you."

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Episode 22

"Not interested."

"Because Frank Lucas High School was a hell hole. Griz knows, he was there. A drug dealer named Campbell, he ruled that school. He wanted me to find a snitch called Baby. Campbell wanted me to cut him open."

"I wouldn't do it. I dropped out, and I vowed never to go back to that place."

"Yes he was."

"No he wasn't."

"What frog?"

"When have I ever cried?"

"It's true, there is no Baby. I was chicken. I was chicken."

"You can't understand, Ken. Where I come from, street cred is everything. That's why, when I left that school in shame, I vowed never to cry again. And I never have."

"Don't die! I love you, Jack."

"Diet Slice and some pita chips."

"I don't wanna be here, I don't like it here."

"I was just calling ya'll a bunch of racists."

"We're not really best friends, we're just good friends."

"I was chicken. I was chicken."

"I'm never going back to Frank Lucas High School to be reminded of my greatest failure."

"Uh uh. I've changed, Ken, into a badass adult. I have a wolfdog, and I have two bad knees and I have a gun. That I lost!"

"Damn, K, you know who that was?"

"I grew up with that guy. He was the baddest gangster in my class. We called him 'Mean Steve', but his real name was Steven Killah."

"Well, if a bad ass OG like that can get stuck delivering food, how did I get out?"

"You're right, Ken. They should. 5 F bombs, right?"

"I almost didn't make it here this afternoon, but then a very special friend showed me the way. So I'd like to take a moment to thank Victor Cardova from the Sunoco station on Lennox Avenue."

"But there's another reason why I almost didn't come today. Fear. Fear of letting people know the real me. I have but one thing to say to all of you. Be yourself. And I'm talking to you clearly, gay kid. And you, white kid just trying to go unnoticed."

"Just be yourself and I guarantee you every single person in this room will one day be President of the United States."

"OK, but I'm allergic to horses."

"[Crying] Who wants my autograph."

"There you are, you stupid cracker. Do you know why I get a hotel room? To poop in peace! No kids banging on the door, no phones ringing. It's my time! Every Tuesday and Thursday at three PM. I don't know why I only go twice a week. That's what Angie should be worried about."

"Pete, how am I going to live, I only have three hundred million dollars."

"High school graduate, do you know what this means, Griz? Dotcom? Ken? We're going to college."

"How'd you say that without moving your mouth?"

Thanks for visiting Unlikely Words. If you liked what you read Subscribe to RSS, check out our About Page, read some of our favorite posts or Follow us on Twitter

###

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aaron cohen — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 21:59:57 +0000

Obviously, I've listened to this 50 times already. (Thanks, Seth!)

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CNN says that people have too many programs saved on their TiVos

With infinite media, you have infinite choices, and therefore you have infinite opportunity costs," he says. "Your satisfaction index of the thing you actually choose can never be equivalent to the infinite opportunity costs, so we're in this position of being behind the cognitive eight-ball all the time.

I don't even have a TiVo and this happens to me. We have to watch Dexter, True Blood, Californication, Weeds, we're behind on 30 Rock and the Office and Friday Night Lights and I've just last night finished Generation Kill. Lost Season 4 ended last week for me. And those are just the shows with which we're relatively caught up. What about BSG or The War or The IT Crowd?

I think this is like the RSS post Matt put up a couple days ago about getting rid of feeds he's not interested in (read: doesn't have time for) anymore. It hurts. Is RSS Bankruptcy a good option? Should people declare TiVo bankruptcy and burn the whole fucking place down?

What I really want to know is who will spearhead the TiVoZero movement, Merlin Mann is too busy tackling email.

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Here's a profile of Tracy Morgan, and we all know it was going to get posted by me as soon as it was published. I mean, Tracy Morgan? Come on.

Anyway, the take away for me is that Tracy Morgan is always on in a way that Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin aren't (though Baldwin is always on in a different way). Fey and Baldwin respond to questions with academic answers. Morgan responds by singing Prince.

30 Rock is back on. Wooo!

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Regrets are for horseshoes and handbags.

More Googlesterity, this time from Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock. Probably a play on "Close only matters in horseshoes and hand grenades," but, honestly, this is Tracy Morgan we're talking about, so who really knows.

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