Unlikely Words » bill simmons

Bill Simmons’ List of Comedy MVPs Since 1975

aaron cohen — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 14:22:22 +0000

In a recent mailbag, Bill Simmons had occasion to name comedy MVPs for every year since 1975. The criteria:

You have to nail at least one of these questions to qualify for that given year: Were you in the hottest comedy of the year or, even better, in the middle of a run of hot comedies? Were you carrying SNL? Did you have an iconic stand-up special, cable TV show, late-night show or comedy series? Did you routinely crush any late-night appearance or SNL hosting gig? Did you have a huge approval rating with little to no backlash? Do we associate that year with you to some degree? I need resonance beyond just cult affection, which unfortunately rules out the great Bill Hicks (who has a strong case for 1990).

It's a pretty good list. Eddie Murphy's 3 year run from 82-84 is set up as the run all comedians should aspire to, which I agree with. There are some lean years, as well, which leads to a few underwhelming selections like Billy Crystal in 1990 and Gary Shandling in 1997. Without having other names to suggest, I think I have the most problems with the last 8 years or so. I love Larry David, but it's hard for me to see him on the list twice when his show hasn't really gotten beyond cult status. Ricky Gervais probably deserves a spot somewhere, and maybe the Lonely Island guys for Lazy Sunday. Also notably absent Stephen Colbert (2006 or 2007) and Conan O'Brien. This list, though, is at least a good place to start the argument. There is only one woman on the list, and a winner for 2010 has not yet been declared. Has there been a breakout comedy for this year, yet? My bet is on Steve Carell, Zach Galifianiakis, Jonah Hill or Russel Brand could be a dark horse, as well as anyone staring in a comedy coming out between now and December. Actually, you know who wins for 2010? Betty White.

Here is the list:
1975: Richard Pryor
1976: Chevy Chase
1977-78: John Belushi
1979: Robin Williams, Steve Martin (tie)
1980: Rodney Dangerfield
1981: Bill Murray
1982-84: Eddie Murphy (1984 Honorable Mention to Sam Kinison)
1985-86: David Letterman
1987: Jay Leno, Howard Stern (tie)
1988: Eddie Murphy
1989: Dana Carvey
1990: Billy Crystal
1991: Jerry Seinfeld
1992: Jerry Seinfeld, Mike Myers (tie)
1993: Mike Myers
1994: Jim Carrey
1995: Chris Farley
1996: Chris Rock
1997: Garry Shandling
1998: Adam Sandler
1999: Mike Myers, Chris Rock (tie)
2000: Will Ferrell
2001: Matt Stone and Trey Parker (tie)
2002: Larry David
2003: Dave Chappelle
2004: Dave Chappelle, Jon Stewart (tie)
2005: Steve Carell
2006: Sacha Baron Cohen
2007: Larry David
2008: Tina Fey
2009: Zach Galifianiakis
2010: ????????

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Bill Hall’s Expiring Contract

aaron cohen — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 14:59:39 +0000

In this article about the Red Sox' recent moves, Alex Speier touches on their trade of Casey Kotchman for Mariners' utility man Bill Hall. It's been said this offseason that the Sox are especially concerned about the luxury tax and are doing everything in their power to remain under the $170 million salary threshold. This threshold is determined based on the average annual value of a contract, Bill hall's 4 years at $24 million for instance would be a cost of $6 million against the luxury tax threshold. However, since his contract was structured differently, and since the Brewers were paying the Mariners almost the full amount of the contract, Bill Hall's expiring contract is actually worth around -$1.5 million against the threshold.

Expiring contracts have a significant trade value in the NBA, but I've never heard of any baseball trades being made for this reason. Bill Simmons goes so far as to suffix Expiring Contract onto the end of any player in the last year of a contract, so at the very least, we should refer to Bill Hall as Bill Hall's Expiring Contract for this season, right?

Hall is in the last guaranteed year of a four-year, $24 million deal that will pay him $8.4 million next season. The Mariners, according to a major-league source, will pay $7.5-8 million of his salary — essentially sending the Sox the same money that was given to Seattle by the Brewers when the M’s acquired Hall last summer.

Hall’s contract is evaluated for luxury tax purposes as being worth $6 million in 2010, based on its AAV. But the full amount of the cash transfer — call it $7.5 million — will be deducted from the Sox’ payroll as determined for luxury tax purposes. That being the case, Hall will actually reduce the Sox’ payroll in calculating the competitive balance tax by roughly $1.5 million dollars. Overall, then, the Sox were able to sign Beltre and add Hall and a player to be named at a cost (for CBT purposes) of roughly $2 million in 2010.

Via Dave.

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6 Tips for Tiger Woods

aaron cohen — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 22:41:57 +0000

This week, Bill Simmons takes on the Tiger Woods saga in a 2 part Tiger Zoo mailbag. One interesting section at the end is an extended look at the Tiger Woods/Don Draper similarities (they're both the best and have beautiful wives, etc, etc). This list of 6 tips on how Tiger can rehabilitate his image, from PR pro turned filmmaker Dan Klores, also caught my eye. Especially #6:

1. If you can't tell your wife the truth from the get-go, recognize immediately that you shouldn't marry again, and that the grass isn't always greener from the other side.
2. Hit the links, start giving huge bucks to African-American charities, show up at church, double your dose of Viagra and use it for your wife, understand "it's never going to be the same," see a shrink two to three times per week minimum, do Larry King, then a few weeks later do Leno.
3. Demand your money back from The Enquirer, and demand your money back from any of the girlfriends.
4. Ignore every so-called "crisis communication" expert who sought a headline by claiming you didn't get out in front of the story, because they have obviously never been caught cheating on their wives.
5. Attend the NBA All-Star Weekend's slam dunk contest.
6. Tell the world that Sarah Palin is an idiot so at least 52.9 percent of Americans will agree with you.

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The Future of Media – Howard Stern, Bill Simmons, Adam Carolla

aaron cohen — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:50:31 +0000

A couple weeks ago, Jeff Jarvis picked up on a bit of the Howard Stern show where Stern mused about what could come next for him:

Tomorrow I could go on the internet and start my own channel with my own subscribers. You’d be able to click and watch us on TV, watch us in the studio live, streaming. You’d be able to listen to us streaming. You’d be able to get us on your iPhone. You’d be able to do everything right at the click of the internet. I wouldn’t even need to work for a company. I’d be my own company… So true it’s ridiculous

Jarvis then went on to say:

Entertainers (radio, music, comedy, books, columnists, even filmmakers) will have direct relationships with their audiences. Like Stern, they won’t have to work for companies or go through them for distribution. That’s already happening, of course, on the web for creation, distribution, and monetization...It returns to the age of patronage, only now the kings don’t fund the artists, the public does and less money is wasted on middlemen.

I think he's exactly right about this and I think I've talked about this before. Another entertainer I figured might be heading towards this model is Bill Simmons, and 10 minutes after I read the Jarvis piece on Stern, I read this Huffington Post interview of the Sports Guy. Simmons and ESPN had a dust up a couple years ago when he had the opportunity to interview Obama during the primaries, only to have it nixed by ESPN. This lead to less frequent posting and a general 'work to rule' feel to his columns for a bit. Just last week, Simmons was told to stay off Twitter for two weeks after an impolitic comment about one of ESPN's partners. These wrist slaps, combined with his enthusiasm for and embrace of new media in the form of podcasts and (after some initial derision) Twitter, combined with the release and success of his new book combined with the below quotation lead me to think Bill Simmons is done with ESPN.

Part of me can't shake the temptation of being the underdog again -- like, launching my own sports site, hiring some talented writers and designers and trying to compete with the big guns. Like what Frank Deford did with the National. All right, the National lost $100 million. Bad example.

But I could see doing something crazy like that. I like taking chances, I am not afraid to fail, and beyond that, I am not afraid to fail violently and miserably. So anything is possible. A really good prediction would be, "Simmons is going to fail violently and miserably with a super-ambitious idea within the next five years." Lock it down.

He's either going to walk or make ESPN bend pretty hard to keep him. With the podcasts he's created another platform for himself, and Twitter allows a channel of communication to his fans independent of ESPN. He'll continue to grow his brand with or without ESPN.

Earlier this year, Adam Carolla's insanely popular morning show ended when the station he was changed formats. He decided to start a daily podcast, and because his contract ran until the end of this year, there were no ads or sponsors. It quickly became one of the top podcasts on iTunes, and he continued to attract guests that had appeared on his radio program.

Aside from Bill Simmons and Adam Carolla bringing podcasts mainstream, which is another post, they've also presented a pretty clear model for their future. Couldn't Stern, Simmons, and Carolla start an entertainment website next year with streaming shows, podcasts, sports columns, etc and charge users $2 a month for access? They couldn't get 500K - 1 million subscribers? New media, baby!

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Excerpts from Bill Simmons’ The Book of Basketball

aaron cohen — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:48:14 +0000

Bill Simmons' new book, The Book of Basketball, came out this week. ESPN celebrated by posting 5 excerpts from the book. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

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The Truth About Going .500

aaron cohen — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 20:46:47 +0000

I love when there's a stats question in Bill Simmons' mailbag. This one is as good as the 3 point shooting percentage stat from a couple months ago.

Q: As long as I have watched sports, the term "games over .500" has perplexed me. A 61-21 team is regarded as 40 games over .500, when in reality, it's only 20! Is there someone I can complain to that will fix this and prevent everyone from continuing to make this error and bothering me again?
--Mike U., Norwood, Mass.

SG: I get this e-mail all the time, and it never ceases being dumb. The 61-21 team is considered "40 games over 500" because it would need to lose 40 straight games to drop back down to .500. Also, I'm doing the Dikembe Finger Wag at you.

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1984 Was a Good Year for a Lot of Things

aaron cohen — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 14:00:46 +0000

Following up on Kottke's list of culturally relevant movies that came out in 1984, and Fimoculous' list of culturally relevant albums that came out in 1984, I thought I'd find the culturally relevant list of books that came out in 1984. Using the best selling books as a barometer, you get the following list. Which seems kind of meh, no?

Fiction
1. The Talisman, Stephen King & Peter Straub
2. The Aquitaine Progression, Robert Ludlum
3. The Sicilian, Mario Puzo
5. The Butter Battle Book, Dr. Seuss
8. Full Circle, Danielle Steel
9. Life & Hard Times of Heidi Abromowitz, Joan Rivers
10. Lincoln: A Novel, Gore Vidal
Non-Fiction
1. Iacocca: An Autobiography, Lee Iacocca
4. Pieces of My Mind, Andy Rooney
5. Weight Watchers Fast and Fabulous Cookbook
6. What They Don't Teach You at Harvard Business School..., Mark H. McCormack
7. Women Coming of Age, J. Fonda & M. McCarthy
10. Weight Watchers Quick Start Program Cookbook

But you may also be interested in the NY TimesEditor's Choice: Best books of 1984. Interestingly, neither of these lists have "Bright Lights, Big City", "The Hunt for Red October", or "Neuromancer".

And then I fell completely into the rabbit hole of determining 1984's status of one of the more culturally relevant years ever. On the stage, David Mamet won a Pulitzer for Glengarry Glen Ross, and Jeremy Irons, Tom Stoppard, and Glen Close all won Tony Awards. Doug Flutie won the Heisman, Desmond Tutu won a Nobel Peace Prize, and Michael Jordan, Charles Barkely, and John Stockton were drafted.

Of course, don't take my word for it, Bill Simmons has 84 reasons 1984 was a good year including his covering of:
Television

27. NBC's Thursday night lineup: "Cosby," "Family Ties," "Cheers," "Night Court"...and "Hill Street Blues." Just a murderer's row...
28. "Miami Vice," Season One...
29. "Growing Pains" and "Charles in Charge" both launched. So did the underrated sitcom "It's Your Move" with Jason Bateman, who should have been one of the five biggest stars of that decade...
35. During the 25th anniversary Motown show in February, Michael Jackson performed "Billie Jean" and unveiled the moonwalk...

Music

42. Also, MTV launched the Video Music Awards that fall -- and if you don't remember Madonna rolling around in a wedding dress at Radio City Music Hall, you obviously weren't a horny teenager in '84.
44. If that wasn't enough, '80s college music took off -- that Cure-Smiths-REM-Depeche Mode-New Order sound that holds up to this day...
48. Come on, tell me you didn't like these songs: "99 Luftballoons"..."Darling Nikki"..."Cruel Summer"..."Yah Mo Be There"..."Sister Christian"..."Sunglasses at Night"..."Relax"..."Head over Heels"..."Pride (In the Name of Love)"..."Caribbean Queen"..."Panama"..."Billie Jean"..."Hot for Teacher"..."Somebody's Watching Me"..."Boys of Summer"..."Jungle Love"..."Missing You."...(Note: Chuck Klosterman is having a heart attack right now.)
49. Run DMC became the first rap act to produce a gold record. It's true.
51. That's right, this was the holiday season when Band Aid came out with "Do They Know It's Christmas".

Movies

58. "Splash" and "Bachelor Party" -- Tom Hanks makes The Leap.
(And speaking of leaps, how 'bout Larry B. Scott appearing as the gay frat brother in "Revenge of the Nerds," then the only black member of Cobra Kai in the same year!.)
65. Not only did the porn industry shift completely to video, but Traci Lords, Christy Canyon AND Ginger Lynn made their X-rated debuts in '84....

Pop Culture and Other Stuff

72. ...this was the year of "What's my beef?" -- both the Wendy's commercial and Leno's bit on Letterman's show.
75. The Supreme Court made it legal to tape shows with a VCR.
82. By the way, the final list of "People and things in their absolute primes in '84": Bird, Bernard, Montana, McEnroe, Gretzky, Sam Malone, Hulk Hogan, Letterman, Sonny Crockett, Jason Bateman, Springsteen, Prince, U2, Murphy, Schwarzenegger, Michael Jackson, Morrissey, Robert Smith, Kathleen Turner, Shannon Tweed, Billy Zabka, Traci Lords, Ginger Lynn, Christy Canyon, Ronald Reagan, Heather Thomas, Heather Locklear, Paulina Porizkova, the Cold War.
83. Rolling Stone was offered the chance to buy MTV, and Sports Illustrated was offered the chance to buy ESPN. Both magazines decided against it.

So there you have it. What year compares?

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Mad Men Season 3 Preview Roundup

aaron cohen — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 15:07:27 +0000

Mad Men Season 3 starts on Sunday and I am...excited. Here's a round up of some of what's been said about the show in the last couple weeks.

-Like cocktails? Here's a Mad Men Cocktail Guide.

-Lots here from Vanity Fair, including a word on their obsession with set design:

A scene-setting anecdote everyone in the Mad Men orbit tells is how Weiner came onto the set one day and focused on some pieces of fruit he said were too large and shiny and perfectly formed; produce in the early 60s—period produce—wasn’t pumped up. Get smaller, dumpier fruit, he ordered. (Depending on who was telling me the story, from cast members to network executives, the offending produce morphed from apples to oranges to bananas, but Amy Wells, the set decorator, said definitively: it was apples.)

-HuffPo's take.

-The New Yorker on advertising Mad Men:

The theme of season three is change. “We wanted our key art to be more high-concept,” Schupack explained, unveiling the new poster, which hits this week: Draper is sitting in his office, looking nonchalant, as water rises up to his knees.

-From Esquire, Christina Hendricks and some other female players.

-Story about the real life person Don Draper is based on.

In the 1960s, Draper Daniels was something of a legendary character in American advertising. As the creative head of Leo Burnett in Chicago in the 1950s, he had fathered the Marlboro Man campaign, among others, and become known as one of the top idea men in the business. He was also a bit of a maverick.

-Playboy is getting Madmenized for the next couple weeks.

-Interview and podcast with Jon Hamm.

-Talking with the Mad Men costume designer:

Bryant mixes original creations with vintage pieces for the principal cast's wardrobe, which is designed from scratch, starting with sketches. Her use of kaleidoscope colors, sparkling jewelry, brilliant prints and florals can be deliciously distracting.

-New York Magazine got into the act with a profile of Christina Hendricks

Which is kind of the point of Mad Men. Bad is sexy. And then just very, very bad. The show lures you in with a glittering surface, but just below is a hothouse of homophobia, racism, anti-Semitism, sexism, and a more general and crushing sense of isolation.

and Pete Campbell whom everyone hates except Matt Weiner apparently:

“I went to an all-boys school, and Pete’s like the kids I went to school with. He could have been Holden Caulfield’s roommate, who borrowed his coat and didn’t bring it back.”

and a handy Guide to the First Two Seasons.

-Finally here's the Wall St Journal on the story, which seems to be getting a lot of play this year, of the writing staff that is mostly female:

The story centers on Don Draper and his shadowy past, but a key part of the series, the writers say, is its complicated female characters. “It’s less skewed than it appears,” says consulting producer Maria Jacquemetton.

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“Twitter is a media/marketing vehicle disguised as a social network.”

aaron cohen — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 14:02:43 +0000

Or full quote from this Mediaite.com interview with Bill Simmons: "Facebook is a social network; Twitter is a media/marketing vehicle disguised as a social network." It's interesting to see how hard Bill Simmons has fallen for Twitter because a couple months ago he was bashing it. In general, I think his take on media/journalism is too simplified, but this quote about Twitter is right on.

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It’s All Lil’ Wayne’s Fault Redux

aaron cohen — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 02:11:38 +0000

ESPN just linked here referencing this story. Not sure why they didn't link to that story directly. If you'll click through, you'll see it's a Bill Simmons quotation. What comes around, goes around, in a good way.

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Friday Night Lights Season 3

aaron cohen — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 15:37:23 +0000

I'm very pleased that this show was picked up for 2 more seasons. Season 3 was better than season 2, it was less rushed and less forced. And now, think of the drama available now that loyalties have been split.

Bonus Linkb: Here's the Friday Night Lights creator, Peter Berg, on the BS Report with Bill Simmons.

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Bill Simmons and Malcolm Gladwell

aaron cohen — Thu, 14 May 2009 14:09:20 +0000

What is it, Malcolm Gladwell Week on Unlikely Words? Bill Simmons just put up a 3 part email discussion (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3), check it out if you want to say goodbye to your morning. Not sure if this is a resurrection of the Curious Guy feature Simmons used to do a couple years ago, but if you want to say goodbye to tomorrow as well, here are the other Curious Guy discussions.

NBA Commissioner David Stern and Bill Simmons

Bill Simmons and Dallas Mavericks Owner Mark Cuban

Curt Schilling and Bill Simmons

Bill Simmons and Chuck Klosterman Part 1 and Part 2

Malcolm Gladwell and Bill Simmons Part 1 and Part 2

Bill Simmons and the Screenwriters of 'Rounders, Brian Koppelman and David Levien and Part 2

The OC Creator Josh Schwartz and Bill Simmons

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A Bettors Explanation of the Economic Crisis

aaron cohen — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 15:06:04 +0000

Also in the Bill Simmons Mailbag I mentioned yesterday, a Bettors Explanation of the economic crisis. By accident.

You just reminded me of something: There should be a section on eBay that allows the auctioning of enticing future bets. For instance, a few weeks before the NBA season, I placed $300 on 15-to-1 odds that Cleveland would win the 2009 NBA title. Those odds have dropped to 2-to-1. Not that I would (after all, Cleveland is going to win the 2009 NBA title), but shouldn't I have the option to sell that $300 ticket on eBay? What if someone bid $1,200 on it (which would be a smart move because, again, Cleveland is going to win the NBA title) and I was guaranteed a $900 return on my investment? Should I take the money? This would be a fun Web site, you have to admit. And if eBay can't do it, then why couldn't the casinos themselves build a Web site that allows people to sell future tickets and get a second cut on the action? It all makes too much sense.

And then he gets called on it in part 2 of the mailbag.

Q: Just got done reading Part 1 of your mailbag. While your idea of auctioning off Vegas bets sounds like a great idea, do you realize that you just suggested the same scenario that ruined the mortgage industry and the entire economy?
-- Tom, Pittsburgh

SG: Time for the greatest three-word comeback of all-time when you don't have a comeback ... yeah, but still!

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Three Point Shooting Percentages

aaron cohen — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 19:59:01 +0000

Some basketball fans will argue that shooting 33% from behind the 3-point line is the equivalent to shooting 50% in front of it. Bill Simmons gets this question in his latest mailbag and chides the questioner for being stupid.

Q: Why won't you understand shooting percentages? 33 percent from beyond the arc is the equivalent of 50 percent from within. If a guy shot 50 percent from the field, would you be killing him for shooting? Of course not. You obviously realize how stupid that would be. Yet that's what you've been doing -- FOR YEARS -- with your mind-boggling argument against 3-point shooting unless the guy can hit 75 percent of his 3s. Just think about it for a couple of seconds. Please ... we are begging you.
-- Nick, New York

SG: Dozens of readers e-mailed me Nick's same stupid argument in a similarly condescending way, which is what makes the following so much fun: I'm not stupid, YOU'RE STUPID. That 33/50 logic only makes sense in a professional basketball league in which they aren't calling fouls and you aren't allowed to pass to a teammate ... which, as far as I can tell, doesn't currently exist.

Let's say that one player attempts 12 3-pointers and makes four (for 12 points). His teammate attempts 12 2-pointers and makes six, but during that time -- because he's not standing 25 feet away jacking up 3s like an idiot -- he also draws three fouls on his defender, creates two assists for teammates, makes three of four free throws, turns the ball over once, and misses one layup that gets tapped in by a teammate (we'll call it 19 points). You're telling me those two scenarios are equal? If I'm playing LeBron (a 31 percent 3-point shooter), ideally, I want him jacking up contested 3s because that means (A) he's not getting to the line, (B) he's not getting my guys in foul trouble, and (C) he's not potentially creating shots for someone else. I can't defend LeBron when he's going to the basket, especially if he's getting calls. But you know what? If he's happy shooting 3s from 25 feet with a hand in his face, then I'm delighted. This is great. I want him to do that. And if he's doing something that the other team WANTS him to do, then he's doing the wrong thing. I'm fine with shooting 24-footers over 20-footers, but getting into the paint will always be more valuable than jacking up 3s. It's just a fact.

(Note to Nick and everyone else who mailed me the 33/50 argument: I'm doing the Dikembe finger wave at you. Don't come into my house.)

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Chuck Klosterman Blog Part 2

aaron cohen — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 21:29:30 +0000

Continuing the series of maintaining blogs for some of the authors I enjoy (Michael Lewis and Part 1 of Chuck Klosterman) because they won't maintain them themselves, here's another round of Chuck Klosterman on the internet.

Chuck Klosterman's favorable and effusive review of Benji Hughes' A Love Extreme:

Even after nearly three decades of MTV, we still tend to see musicians with our ears, which (I can only assume) is what the musicians would want.

Last week, Klosterman was on The BS Report with Bill Simmons (who calls Klosterman 'Close-terman' can we figure out if that's how it's supposed to be pronounced?) for 2 sessions. In the first they discussed the merits of pro sports (Simmons) vs college sports (Klosterman) and the second where they discussed newspapers, popularity and tenure.

Klosterman echoed David Carr's thoughts that newspapers should have been charging on the web since the beginning and colluding to do so now is one way to save them. He also pointed out Simmons' hypocrisy in criticizing sports columnists who have been where they are for ages. Simmons suggested that a lot of the best younger writers were leaving newspapers to go to the tubes, while Klosterman suggested that these guys might not be the best because internet is a popularity contest, judged by how much attention you can draw to yourself as opposed to how good you are.

Most interesting to me was a point Klosterman made a couple times that popularity begets popularity and the bigger websites are only going to keep getting bigger (though, wee Unlikely Words will soldier on!).

Lastly, spoke at the Highline Ballroom last night with all-girl Mötley Crüe cover band, Girls Girls Girls. I'll assume the evening went well and post a review if I see one.

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Podcasts

aaron cohen — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 17:39:04 +0000

I'm not sure the timeline is correct, but Bill Simmons is comparing the rise of Podcasts to the fall of newspapers. Satellite radio and podcasts already seem the same to me, except you have to pay for satellite radio (hardware and subscription) and podcasts are free.

Bill Simmons: ...I love doing the podcasts and feel like I'm on the ground floor of a medium that is really starting to take off. It's like radio on demand and I think it's going to kill satellite radio in 2 years. I really do. It's also a huge threat to real radio in my opinion, especially when people can get internet in their cars and can just cue podcasts up within 3 clicks. It's astonishing to me that nobody has written a long piece about podcasts yet. This is EXACTLY the same as what happened with sportswriting in the late-90s where nobody was taking the internet seriously and suddenly within 7 years there were a million sports blogs, mainstream sites were crushing newspapers and newspapers were hemorrhaging money. We are headed that way with podcasts. I just think radio is going to become much more niche-oriented over these next 10 years... people don't see it yet. Christian Slater in "Pump Up The Volume" is going to look like a genius.

I try to listen to This American Life, but I usually need a long car ride for it. But I listen to every episode of SModcast and The BS Report. Smodcast, with Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier, is hilarious and might be the only media I find myself laughing out loud to when I'm alone. The unifying theory of Smodcast and the BS Report are famous people hanging out with their friends talking about movies and sports.

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Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

aaron cohen — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 00:50:51 +0000

Hey look, Scott Raab in Esquire and Bill Simmons in ESPN the Magazine write the exact same article about Mickey Rourke in Darren Aronofsky's newest, The Wrestler: "Rourke is a jerk and he's playing himself as washed up and talent wasted". Simmons did spice it up a little at the end by telling wrestling when they can have him back as a fan.

When it institutes a pension plan for retired wrestlers, when there's an off-season that mirrors those of the major sports so bodies can recover, when it cracks down on all enhancers, when someone explains to me why I shouldn't care that so many ghosts showed up for my private screening.

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Bill Simmons’ List of Best Sports Journalism

aaron cohen — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 17:11:02 +0000

Late last week, Bill Simmons put out another mailbag. One of the questions got him to riff on the best sports journalism he's ever read. I thought it would be a neat post to find all of those articles online (since everything is online these days). I spent about an hour and a half finding most of the articles, except for a few which were more tricky. Imagine my disappointment and frustration this morning when I saw (via kottke, obviously) that The Millions had done it faster, and, well, better. They found two I couldn't, but didn't link to the abstracts of the New Yorker articles. I should also mention how great the SI Vault is. They've taken 54 years of articles and put them online. For free. Any other magazine that's been publishing that long and does not have their archives online is living in the past.

Here's what I found, click over to The Millions to see what books they're in. (Note also, I starred the links that The Millions found that I couldn't, just to show how much more bad ass they are than me).

"Federer as Religious Experience" (Roger Federer) and "Tennis Player Michael Joyce's Professional Artistry as a Paradigm for Certain Stuff about Choice, Freedom, Discipline, Joy, Grotesquerie, and Human Completeness" (Michael Joyce) - David Foster Wallace (Plus "Consider the Lobster" as mentioned by the reader in the mailbag.

"Hub Fans Bid Kid Adieu" (Ted Williams) - John Updike

(Abstract only) "Down the Drain" (Steve Blass) - Roger Angell (Not sure if this is the 'Gone for Good' mentioned in Simmons' post, but both are about Steve Blass.) Still looking for full text.

"What Do You Think of Ted Williams Now?" (Ted Williams) - Richard Ben Cramer*

"Lawdy, Lawdy, He's Great" (Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali) - Mark Kram

"The Silent Season of a Hero" (Joe Dimaggio) - Gay Talese*

"Ego" (Muhammad Ali) - Norman Mailer. From March, 1971 Life Magazine. Still looking for full text.

"Pure Heart" (Secretariat) - William Nack

"The Kentucky Derby Is Decadent and Depraved" (The Kentucky Derby) - Hunter S. Thompson

"Medora Goes to the Game" (Going to a ballgame with daughter) - George Plimpton

"Agincourt and After" (Look back at 1975 baseball season) - Roger Angell. Still looking for full text.

"Distance" (Bob Gibson) - Roger Angell. Still looking for full text.

"Magic Act" (Magic Johnson) - Charlie Pierce. From GQ, still looking for full text.

"Holy Ground" (Agusta National) - Wright Thompson

"Center Court" - (Wimbeldon) - John McPhee. Still searching for full text.

"Raised By Women To Conquer Men" (Jimmy Connors) - Frank DeFord

"The Loser" (Floyd Patterson) - Gay Talese

"A Voice Crying In The Wildernesst" (Rick Barry) - Tony Kornheiser

"Jordan’s Moment" (Michael Jordan) - David Halberstam. The Millions linked to a different piece, but I think this is it.

"The Mourning Anchor" (Bryant Gumble) - Rick Reilly

"Ali and His Entourage" (Muhammad Ali) - Gary Smith

"As Time Runs Out" (Jim Valvano) - Gary Smith

And here's my favorite: "A Name on the Wall" (Bob Kalsu) - William Knack

Anybody else have any nominations?

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It’s All Lil’ Wayne’s Fault

aaron cohen — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 14:52:20 +0000

I bet you didn't know that/

Chiefs fans want you to know Sammy Morris blocked Bernard Pollard into Tom Brady's knee, even if the replays don't back this up even remotely. Whatever. But after watching the play another 75 times, it dawned on me that Sammy was more to blame than Pollard for the 2008 Patriots season going down the tubes. Sammy, why are you going low on Bernard Pollard like he's a 345-pound defensive lineman? And if you want to go even further, if Kevin Faulk hadn't decided to get high at a Lil' Wayne concert, he wouldn't have been suspended for Week 1, he would been playing that down, he would have pancaked Pollard, and my man Brady would still be playing now. Did you ever think Lil' Wayne would be directly involved in the murder of a Patriots season? My head hurts.

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ALCS Game 5

matt — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 00:47:32 +0000

Top 1:
Ugh. Nice start, Pedroia.

Yoooooooooooooooooooooouk! Momentum? Is this it?

Guess not. Thanks, Papi.

"Keys to the game for the Red Sox: it's win or see you in Fort Myers. That's their spring training facility." Don't explain your "jokes," McCarver.

McCarver's unhappy that no one's going to throw at Manny for admiring his homer. I kinda want to see him throw his hands in the air on second base right now, as he's just tied Pete Rose's LCS hitting streak. Anyone want to mention that? Tim? Joe? No? Ok, that's cool.

Oh. My. God. I kind of want to die now. Was Manny running slow? Or was that just a good throw? Not an auspicious start. Somehow it doesn't feel like we're up 1-0.

Bottom 1:
Casey Blake is considerably more entertaining reading the lineup than Kielty was. Nicknames! G-Size! Scroobs! T-Pronk!

This double by G-Size does not bode well. Three guys run for the ball, no one catches it, and one of them kicks it into foul territory. Oh, good, and a base hit for Scroobs.

Double-play! But the game is tied. Seems like a good trade at this point, especially if Beckett's going to give up another hit. Oh, look at that.

Strikes out Garko to end the inning. Nice! Now, if only Fox would stop playing the theme to the damn Drew Carey show.

I have some questions about the Taco Bell Nachos Bel Grande commercial. Presumably the younger brother was visiting the older brother at the latter's home; doesn't it seem unlikely that little brother wouldn't have ever met his brother's girlfriend? And if he had never met the girlfriend, mightn't she take some notice of the newcomer when she brought the dog in? I'm having trouble with the whole scene. Kinda want nachos now, though.

Top 2:
OK, Bobby Kielty. Your job here is to be better than J. D. Drew. Can you do it? No. You can't. (In fairness, the ball looked inside to me, too.)

This would be a good time for Coco to come up big. Come up big, Coco!

God damn you, Coco. Aaaaand a pop-up from Lugo. 6-9 are really just not showing up for this series, are they.

Oh! Hi, Dane Cook! I tell ya, I can't wait for the second October this year—oh. Just the one?

Bottom 2:
I'm amused that Joe Buck described Gutierrez's flailing hack at a 3-1 pitch well out of the strike zone as, "Chased it a bit."

Top 3:
Rachel's calling a lead-off double for Pedroia. I like that kind of optimism. According to Ken Rosenthal, Pedroia has defiantly claimed that he's "swinging the bat good." It's "well," Dustin. You've been swinging the bat "well." Which you haven't.

You know what, I apologize, Dustin. Nice single. Of course, Youkilis hits into a double play. I think the Fox producers lost track of how many outs there were, and started playing the "end of inning" music. Ha.

Big Papi walks, and here comes Manny. What the hell happened on that one? Ortiz scored, but did that ball go out? McCarver is in disbelief, and confused about physics—but no, that ball was gone. This call by the umpires is bullshit. I don't understand why McCarver and Bank are focusing on the carom. The ball was over the yellow line. In fairness, McCarver is right that Manny needs to run out of the box on hits like this. Shameful base-running in an elimination game.

Lowell strikes out, and that's all we get.

Bottom 3:
OK, we're back. It's possible that I was wrong about Manny's ball being out of the ballpark.

Strikeout, and a nice play by Pedroia for an exciting 4-3. Beckett's fifth K, and Boston's still up 2-1.

Top 4:
Two on with nobody out! True, Coco and Lugo are not the two guys we want coming up right now, but I still don't like Coco bunting here. Why give up the out? Also, he seems to suck at it. If Tito doesn't replace Coco with Ellsbury before the end of this game, I'll whine about it. Right here. On this very blog. Just you wait.

Julio, you're killing me.

Bottom 4:
That was quick. Nice!

Top 5:
Two quick outs from Pedroia and Youk, and then Papi singles to the opposite field, which I love. Then bases loaded, and nuffink. Which I don't love, so much.

Bottom 5:
Tim McCarver: baseball player, sportscaster, rock and roll aficionado. Shut up, McCarver. And sit down, Kenny Lofton. Don't start nothin'.

Oh, look, it's the Bad News Bears in the infield! Why the hell was Lugo even going for that ball?

Ah, just put your trust in Beckett. Strike three, Scroobs.

Top 6:
You know, I love "Sounds of the Game" and I really enjoyed Gary Cederstrom's brawl-avoidance. "Josh, not a word. Not a word, dude." I think it's awesome Cederstrom calls Beckett "dude."

Oh, were Varitek, Crisp, and Lugo batting?

Bottom 6:
What is there to say? Beckett is undisputedly the man.

Top 7:
The montage starting this inning was unnecessarily treacly, I think. Pedroia's gapper, however, works for me. 2B!

Yoooouk!!!111! Gotta love a run-scoring triple that knocks out Sebathia. Well done, Sweatiest Man In Baseball.

Hey, you know what? I am officially sick of the Miller High Life commercials.

Ortizzle with a sac fly RBI! I'm staring to unclench a little about this game.

Bottom 7:
Holy crap, with one out in the seventh, Beckett just threw his 86th pitch. That's... not a lot of pitches. Of course, on the 87th, Lofton reaches on an E1.

Called third strike! My favorite way to end an inning. (I guess.)

Top 8:
Welcome to the game, J. D. Drew! A lead off walk is not the worst you could do. (By the way, Fox, I wouldn't mind a camera permanently focused on the Red Sox bullpen. The Lester/Delcarmen drum corp is cracking me up.)

Wow. E1, everybody' s safe! And then a bunt for a base hit by Lugo loads the bases! This is shaping up to be the kind of exciting inning where the Red Sox catch a couple of breaks and then piss it all away.

Hey, a passed ball! 5-1! And a walk to re-load the bases for Youk! Look at how excited I am! Count the exclamation marks!

Mastny walks in a run, and now the bases are loaded for Big Papi. This is starting to feel awesome. Eh, RBI sac fly. Kinda disappointed, actually.

OK, so here's a question. If Beckett comes out for the 8th at 96 pitches with a 5+ run lead, is that a pretty clear sign that Tito's lost faith in the bullpen? Also, McCarver seems to think that "mantra" means "philosophy." (Beckett won't come back on short rest to pitch game 7 because that's not Boston's "mantra.")

Bottom 8:
OK, Beckett does start the 8th, but Jeemer and the Bot are warming. Let's hope Francona's got his walking shoes on if things start to get hairy. Rachel and I agree, however, that taking him out and keeping his arm available for emergency relief in Game 7, would have been the better call.

Hey, that worked out!

Top 9:
Bill Simmons neatly summed up J. D. Drew's schtick of getting a nice looking base-hit when it doesn't matter, such as, for instance, leading off the ninth when you're leading by 6.

Bottom 9:
First and third, but I'm not worried.

Rock. Beckett + Papelbon = bring on game 6.

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