Unlikely Words » googlesterity

Steve Jobs links

aaron cohen — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 13:30:12 +0000

I don't often feel sad or feel sadness, but I do sometimes in times of collective sadness. I'm not sure why. Last night I was on an airplane when it was announced that Steve Jobs had died. When I saw 4 random posts about Jobs on Tumblr, I knew right away. Growing up, the first computer I remember using was a IIgs, but we had at least one model before that. We also had a Performa after that. My first computer at college was a black and white Mac laptop with a 500 MB HD. Etc etc.

I sometimes collect as much about a story in one place as I can, almost as a personal reference for the future. (The Comprehensive Election Reactions Round Up from Obama's election is a good example). I haven't done it recently, but figured now would be a good time. Here's most of what I looked at yesterday, loosely sorted. You've probably seen some of this stuff, but probably haven't seen all of it. The sources are Twitter, Stellar, and Tumblr, along with just clicking around.

RIP, Steve Jobs. Peace and strength to your family and loved ones.

Daring Fireball | Wired.com | NYTimes | BusinessWeek | Chicago Sun-Times | The A.V. Club | Wired.com memorial of quotations | Brian Lam | Walt Mossberg | Tim Carmody | Frank Chimero | Neven Mrgan | Mike Monteiro | John Siracusa | Marco Arment | Dan Dickinson | Michael Sippey | Anil Dash | Rick Webb | Pat Keirnan | Alexis Madrigal | Bill Gates | Tim Berners-Lee | Jim Dalrymple | Horace Deidu | Mike Davidson | New York’s Tech Community | Steven Frank | David Carr | Ken Auletta | Byrne Reese (Pixar intern) | Andy Ihnatko | Mindy Kaling

The 2005 Stanford Commencement Address, and the text.

“Doug, do you have 10 more ideas. Steve”

Different images/art/etc I saw you might want to see. This or this or this or this or this or this or this or this or this or this or this or Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish or this or this or this.

The Think Different ad text, narrated by Richard Dreyfus and Steve Jobs.

Other round ups and slide shows: Kottke | BuzzFeed | The Daily What | TPM Media | Longreads | Apple’s Ads | CNET News | Steve Jobs’s Patents

Apple User Acting Like His Dad Just Died | The Onion and Last American Who Knew What The Fuck He Was Doing Dies | The Onion

Steve Jobs and Bill Gates Together: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11

Time stops the presses for the first time in 30 years and the NYTimes.com first mention of Steve Jobs in 1977.

Some contrarianism: here and here and here.

Some random articles What Steve Jobs Understood That Our Politicians Don't | Arabs embrace Steve Jobs and the Syrian connection | Pixar's Secret: Rewrite, Re-edit, Recut | Steve Jobs and Pixar changed animated movies forever | Steve Jobs and the idea of letting go

Tom Junod in Esquire: Steve Jobs Dying | Steve Jobs Obituary and a profile from 2008

Some videos: Wozniak Tearfully Remembers His Friend Steve | 1983 Apple Keynote-The "1984" Ad Introduction | The iMac Introduction | The iPod Introduction | Steve Jobs interviewed just before returning to Apple | Steve Jobs Presents to the Cupertino City Council

My other posts.

###

Possibly related posts:

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 5

aaron cohen — Mon, 09 May 2011 13:46:59 +0000

Here for your reading pleasure and nitpicky criticism is Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 5 of 30 Rock. As always, this is actually EVERYTHING he said, and is not intended to be a best of. This was a pretty analog exercise 2 years ago when I did it the first time, and it feels more so now. Theoretically, this should be a 20 minute supercut of all his lines for the season. There is, however, something interesting about seeing all of the lines in one place. You can also check out: Other seasons of Tracy Jordan, Everything Hurley Said, Everything Sawyer Said, Everything Locke Said, and Everything Don Draper Said.

Episode 1
-Yo. I'm calling to say that I'm giving you 110% this year. I'm relaxed. I'm focused. And I'm gonna be churning out the good stuff like you've never seen.
-Oh. I misdialed. I thought I was calling my nutritionist. Goodbye.
-Hey, KKKK. First day back is gonna be a busy one. First, I need you to go to the drycleaners for me and find out how Martinizing works. I've always been curious. Then, I need you to be back by noon to make the bathroom smell like sandalwood before I wreck it. You got that K-Pack of Gum.
-Of course. I knew that.
-Kenneth, I knew you'd come back. Let me smell your head.
-I'm sorry, but my heart is playing tricks on my eyes, just like my kidneys did to my lungs that time.
-I keep hallucinating Kenneth. Am I going crazy again? Should I get my rainbow wig out of storage?
-Like the World Cup. I'll try. No. This place is too full of memories. I've got to clear my head!
-No! You do not exist. I am in control of this.
-You're not real. If I threw you in front of a car, it would drive right through you.
-Of course it would. It would know everything I knew because it sprung from my imagination.
-Oh, no. I missed it! Do it again.
-I love you, Kenwood. Why don't you come back home to TGS. Pick the peas out of my fried rice. And the rice. I just want carrots.
-Don't you miss rubbing my foot back into the shape of a foot?
-I guess this is goodbye. Obviously, I'm gonna need the tote bag.
-Sure is, wanna go kiss in the prop cage?

Subscribe by RSS, or on Twitter, or by email or on Facebook or on Tumblr

Episode 2
-I'm werewolfing myself.
-You know when a dude knows he's gonna turn into a werewolf and locks himself in a jail? Well, I'm embarrassed to say I've missed the birth of both of my sons…for very legitimate reasons.
-So I promised Angie I will not miss the birth of our daughter.
-And my mood ring! And I don't know how I feel about that.
-And good for you, Liz Lemon. There's something about you lately. Make me want to put my feet in your mouth.
-I can't leave my dressing room until Angie goes in to labor, but the president is saying we have to go outside.
-If I was a real werewolf, I'd wear baggy clothes so my nice clothes wouldn't get all torn up. Same rules for if I were the Hulk. I don't get why people like brunch. What's the benefit of combining breakdancing and lunch?
-You're not Griz! Ahh!
-I just gotta get to the hospital on Right There. Taxi! Sir, I don't have any money, but I need to get to Mount Sinai Hospital.
-Wow, it's like I always say, 'White cab drivers are weird.'.
-Explain the rules.
-So to be there for the birth of my daughter I have to answer trivia questions despite having gone to middle school in an Exxon station?
-Bring it.
-Come on, I don't know that.
-OK, I remember going to the Statue of Liberty Centennial cuz that year someone had spread a rumor that she was going to slip out of her toga and I wanted to see some green boobies. And that year the Mets had just won the World Series cuz that night I was randomly attacked by a Mets fan that I had thrown a pile doo at. That was 1986. And centennial is a hundred years because centipeding means having sex with a hundred women. I got it. 1886.
-She is an orca, Benjamin. FYI, they're very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.
-I'm coming, Angie!
-The Lazy Susan was invented by Thomas Jefferson. I know because I'm a descendent of Thomas Jefferson and Lazy Susan herself. The capital of the United Arab Emirates is Abu Dhabi. I know that because if I go back there, I'll be executed. There are twelve tons in the chromatic scale. [Singing] I know that because I'm a musical genius.
-Tracy Jordan. Hero. Husband. Diabetic slash alcoholic. Yes!
-Am I pulling it right?
-OK.
-It's still not opening.
-I'm trying to pull, you keep saying push.
-What you want me to do? You're yelling at me.
-I'm freaking out!
-Because I love you, baby, and I'll always be by your side no matter what Discovery Channel game show stands in my way. I wouldn't have missed whatever just happened here for anything. I don't know what I'd do without you. And I mean it.
-Why is that baby covered with goop?
-You ready for this, Jacky D?
-Explain.
-Jacky D, you want to make God laugh? Make a plan, or read him a Dave Barry book. You worried about being old, Jack? You could live forever, but you still can't predict what happens in life. Wait a minute, there's no baby in here.
-Oh, she's in the crib. Good.
-I hate to say I told you so, so, 'Welcome to Miami'.

Episode 3
-That's Tracy Jordan spelled backwards.
-Don't worry about it, Jacky D, I'm on it. Call Griz. I need someone around me who's not just a yes man.
-So, what do we want to see on TV? I personally love cop shows. I can't wait for Law and Order to start back up.
-Why? It was a tent pole. A tent pole!
-I'd like to see that incorporated in to your re-write. OK, meeting over.
-The only thing that worked in the read through was the dog.
-Good, and there's a lot of buzz. Can you hear it, too? Or is my tinnitus acting up. Hey, that food is for DotCom Productions only. TGS's food is backstage.
-Yo, Jacky D. I had dinner with Don Imus last night. He told the following joke…
-And thank you, Representative. What you're doing is very important. I can assure you that NBC is committed to making diversity, a priority. Then just walk away, and don't try to kiss her, Tracy. And don't say that last part.
-I'll kill you, white devil.
-I'm cutting that fat cracker's head off.
-Yes! Great fix, Griz.

Episode 4 (East Coast Version)
-Of course not. His album doesn't drop until December.
-It was funnier than the porn version and the best part is when the actors started cracking up. He laughed so hard they couldn't even finish the skit.
-I would like to do that, please.
-Crack up instead of saying these stupid lines I wrote.
-You never take my creative suggestions.
-And you should have. Those dudes were awesome. And so is my crack up idea.
-I promise. I swear on my mother's grape.
-Yes, goodbye.
-Gentlemen, tonight I'm going to laugh harder than I did at DotCom's play.
-Tracy Jordan in the house.
-That's an excellent question. Uh oh. I'm doing something called breaking. Bwahahahahah. Snort, heehee, giggle giggle. The audience loves this.
-I can't be, I'm missing that part of my brain.
-Why does anyone do anything? They're rich or they have attention deficit disor-Look at Lutz's shirt. Hahaha.
-Alright, no more laughing. Kraut's honor.
-Goodbye!
-Oh, no. My Oprah wig is falling off. This is an exciting mishap. This is live.
-Now my mustache is askew. Oops. That thing fell off. And that thing, too. Uh oh. Now my shirt is accidentally falling off. America.
-Goodnight!

Subscribe by RSS, or on Twitter, or by email or on Facebook or on Tumblr

Episode 5
-Ah K-Swiz. I need to cancel my gig for hosting the MTV International Video Music Awards.
-I hate to bail, but I've been asked to do a commercial for the Boys & Girls Club of America, and I just can't turn down community service. Because if I do, that judge will make me join the Coast Guard.
-I don't watch the Macy's Parade. If I want to see a 50 foot Spiderman, I'll just go into my rec room. Thank you.
-I envy you. I don't really know my parents.
-What line?
-Scripts get in the way of my process, Sean. Let's just shoot a hundred of these and see what we get.
-What's my cue? You know what? It doesn't matter, I don't know my lines.
-We're causing a huge traffic while getting paid to make dreams. We're the luckiest people on Earth. Now someone get me a Jolt Cola. It does not exist anymore.
-I'm sorry, I have an erection. I think it's the sound of the skateboard. We're going again. Everyone safely back to 1.
-Shirt on or off, Sean?
-Good note, back to 1. Hey, Jacky D. Let's take a quick five hundred so everyone can meet Jack.
-Yeah! That's the kind of stuff I should be saying. It's in my head now, let's roll.

Episode 6
-I am a Jedi!
-Thank God I didn't [Bleep] anybody, and thank God I didn't [Bleep] myself.
-This is terrible. When I'm dead, that's what I'll leave behind? That's how my grandkids will remember me as they fly around in they jetpacks?
-It doesn't matter. That's how the world sees me, as some idiot millionaire.
-I seen my NBC News obituary, Jacky D. I look like a fool in it.
-Sure, I Google myself all the time. Like when Angie's not in the mood, or I'm alone in a hotel.
-I did not know that. That explains why Liz Lemon was so cool the other day.
-Liz Lemon, you mind if I Google myself in your office?
-Can I use your computer?
-Don't forget, I never listen!
-Who's Prince Hal?
-I don't know any of my lines!
-You know something Jacky D? That thing I said earlier about Prince Hal got me thinking. I've have to change my headline.
-No, no, no, Jacky D. I don't need your help, I'm Tracy Jordan. When I go to sleep, nothing happens in the world.
-Read back what we have so far.
-Why is this so hard? All I want to do is turn in to a worldwide hero overnight.
-That cat's a hero. If I save it, I'm a double hero.
-Ken, I need your help.
-Denied!
-You ready?
-I'll be right behind you.
-Yeah, let's go. If I won an Oscar, everyone would have to respect me. My obituary would read Oscar winner instead of children's soccer heckler. It would change my headline.
-I feel like I'm forgetting something. Huhhhh. I left Tracy Junior in Atlantic City!

Episode 7
-Make that all three of us. Uh, Jenna, a word. Specifically the word talking.
-J-Train, as you may know, I was in a film called, 'Hard to Watch', and the "pundits" think I have a "chance" at an "Oscar". And I just learned about "air quotes."
-I know this is difficult for you.
-Well, if you're OK talking about it, I need your help. These reporters want to come do a story on me. They're from something called the, uh, Hollywood Foreign Press Association.
-So, what do you think I should do?
-Be bad at snapping, got it!
-I'm not an expert at morality, but isn't that wrong?
-Hahahahaha.
-On the day, Kenneth's mouth will be filled with Wasabi so he don't do so much [talking sign].
-I'd like to thank you all for coming. We've heard complaints about the sushi platter moving. We're working on it.
-Well, definitely the foreign films. Like the political ones where you think there'll be no boobies, and then BAM, boobies.
-I think the better question is, 'What isn't an actor?' A lamp. A couch. That mirror. Or a hidden pistol. An actor-
-They call New York, The Big Apple. Never seemed that way to me. I used to have dreams. I was an All City running back. And I was gonna run out of here. To college. To the suburbs. Now the only thing I use a football for is as a toilet. Funny thing to happen to a guy named Lucky.
-I can go to jail in DeSean's place, cuz he's my brother. Don't say nothing. Sometimes you gotta do the right thing. Even when the wrong thing is a whole lot easier. Now let's just have one last happy dinner together. As a family.
-I have them right where I want them. Time to do a little Golden Globe shopping.
-Sabotage, but I'm the one who does that to me.
-Wait, great like good? Or grate like the thing I dropped my asthma inhaler down the other day?
-No, Liz Lemon. It's like the thing I said in another movie I made. Compromises are for lesser souls. Die werewolf zombie.
-Too small.

Episode 8
-Hey, LL, sorry we haven't had time to get in to our costumes yet.
-They hate when one of us wins.
-Your boos are not scaring me. I know most of you aren't ghosts.
-How did you know that? You're like Rain Man. Quick, how many toothpicks are on the ground?
-You need to go to Vegas.
-Too small.
-You probably said 'Fortnight.'
-And I'm the nerd who takes off his glasses and everyone realizes he's handsome.
-Can they? Look at me. I'm Ogbert the nerd. Always have been, always will be.
-My glasses are dirty.

Episode 9
-Hey, what was that sound? It was opportunity knocking.
-You were right, Donald. It makes more sense for you to enter first.
-OK, you remember Donald. My son who's 2 years older than me.
-You wouldn't believe this, but that business failed. I blame Obama. But the good news is, Donald has a brand new venture. Sell him, son.
-So it's decided, Jack's on board as an investor.
-So. It's. Decide-
-What is Senor Mexico saying? Stop keeping me out the loop.
-Damn it, you think I don't know that? I poured more cash into Donald's restaurant than my money pit in Connecticut.
-No, I do not. Jack, I need other investors besides me.
-That's what I call my wallet. I bankroll every one of his dumb ideas, but what choice do I have? I'm his father.
-Come on, the boy is only 43 years old.
-But I can't crush his dreams.
-And I bankrolled that, too. Thank God we tested that with a monkey first.
-Hahaha.
-Unemotional, got it.
-I just love you so much.
-It is true, little man. But I need you to be a big boy on this. You're just not meant to be a business man.
-Too late, look how we're positioned.
-Cough, nerd.
-And it's going to work, son.

Episode 10
-Liz Lemon, I can not participate in this promo.
-Because it's not honest! As an actor, it is my job to tell the truth, hold a mirror to humanity, and sell Proactive. I will not spout your lies, Liz Lemon, and I will not say, "Merry Christmas, Kabletown."
-Thanks, K-L-M-N-O-P, I've been waiting for this.
-Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the life of Althea Chump. Damn, that's funky.
-Yeah, well, this sequel is never coming out. I bought the rights so this movie is never being released.
-That's the problem, Ken. It's 67 minutes of me acting like a hilarious fool. If this movie comes out before the Golden Globes, it'll ruin my new image.
-No, I don't. I'm lying. My favorite thing in the world is making people laugh, but I can't now. I had to go on Charlie Rose, Kenneth. Charlie Rose.
-I have no choice. I gotta stay serious. From now on, the only movies Tracy Jordan makes are about the Holocaust, Georgia O'Keefe, or both.
-I'm here picking up a serious outfit from wardrobe for my event later.
-Screening my very sad movie, 'Hard to Watch' at a women's shelter. It's gonna be real depressing.
-In the Darfur region, the dead may be the lucky ones. Next slide.
-What else can I do, Kenneth? People only take you seriously if you're serious.
-Ladies of the battered women's shelter, please be quiet, a man is talking. You're about to watch a film that holds a mirror up to your own terrible lives. You're gonna see poverty, drug abuse, and a bunch of babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster.
-Damn it, I can't get Kenneth out of my head.
-Well, he's right. People do need to laugh, and I'm the medicine.
-Something I should have done a long time ago.
-Shut up, DotCom.
-Ladies and children, I give you the Chumps 2, a Very Chunky Christmas.
-Damn Christmas lights blew a fuuu-----.
-Oh, Holy Night. The stars are brightly shining. It is the night of the dead savior's birth and I hope everybody, everybody have a very merry Christmas and someone need's to clean this table up, it's disgusting.
-Merry Christmas from the Chunks.

Episode 11
-Liz Lemon, I want it to be noted that I am here on time. This is a new year and a fresh start for me. Now I gotta go.
-I'm hosting the International Pornography Awards and I have to go get an insurance physical so I can fly in to the arena in a penis shaped parachute.
-What, no?!
-What, no?!
-But I can't die, Dr. Spaceman. Who will be there to raise my kids if I'm not around to pay someone to raise my kids?
-Well, we tried.
-Thanks, Jack for coming to this emergency meeting. I'm sorry I'm 4 hours late, but my alarm clock didn't go off because it died in a cock fight last night.
-Well, it's come to my attention that I'm going to die.
-And if you need to make millions of dollars but have no real skills or education, the best place to do it is in entertainment. I mean look at me, hahahah.
-I can't even find Mexico on a map. Hahahaha.
-Don't even get me started on marriage. Thank you.

Episode 12
-Hi
-I don't know. After I've won a bunch of awards for my movie, it's not going to get better.
-Good question, Liz Lemon. When you win an Oscar, it opens up an elite level of actor craziness. Throwing telephones at hotel employees, speaking to the UN about some messed up crap in Africa, and I'm definitely getting a private island.
-Every crazy A-Lister owns an island, Nicolas Cage, Celine Dion, Charles Widmore. This is a whole new world in front of me, LL. I'm like Stout Cortez.
-He's my gardner, he's easily amazed.
-Oh, I'm sorry, that was misleading. I'm not gonna rehearse. I'm gonna get a sandwich and then eat it on the toilet.
-Of course, I'm just continuing my consistent professional behavior. Let's laugh together, friend. Hahahah.
-Let's do it again from the top. I want to get it perfect because perfection is my middle name. 'Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy.'
-Of course, friend. Teamwork is the key to success.
-OK, no problem.
-No, I wasn't going to buy 2 blimps and crash them in to each other to see what sound they made.
-Never better. I'm has happy as a clam that wants to kill some woman.
-Love you more.
-[Singing] Shut your mouth, I am finished taking orders from you, and I think that you're a four-eyed douche.
-[Singing] That's too bad, but if I sing you can not do anything. To make me look bad on your TV show. And also let me say that Liz is a ho. A dirty ho.
-[Singing] Unlike me who is good, as you can tell from this rhyme.
-[Singing] Woahohohoahooooowoahoooo
-LL, please. I'm way ahead of you. And I'm not rehearsing, I'm going to shoot garden gnomes with a handgun at Tupac's house. Yeah, Tupac is alive, I bet you'd like to have that on your show.
-Oh, that explains it. Those are gloves, no wonder they're so course and wrinkly.
-Hahahah. You wore a yellow hat to that coffee shop. You know what's actually funny about all this, you think I'm the problem. Have you ever tried to work with you?
-Five years ago, I saved your show. I rode in here on a white horse that you made me leave in the lobby. All you do is stifle me when you should be thanking me.
-This honky grandma be tripping over Surf Master's midrange jet skis.
-But then I would run you over with a jet ski.
- Five years ago, I saved your show.
-You snarted in my dressing room?
-That footage can not be shown on television, I'm trying to buy an island over here.
-And I have no reason to hug her other than my love of having boobs pressed against me.
-And I wound anticipate your angling and I would get there.
-I would get there.
-Of course, friend.
-Never better.
-Love you more!
-How do I get that boob squish?
-Don't you already said it all on the show. You said it all.
-I got there.

Episode 13
-Do not mention the underwater city of Zarodicon, got it.
-That's nice. Actors deserve gifts. Without us, who would present awards to actors?
-Wow. I always wanted one of these. The box will make a perfect coffin for my teddy bear.
-You taking my nephew's virginity.
-You take it, I don't care. I want you to selfishly take the best sweatshirt in the world.
-Hello. Good sweatshirt to you. How are you sweatshirting that sweatshirt?
-I want that sweatshirt.
-Was I supposed to throw up in something of mine?
-And I can take it back. I'm the star here. And it there's only one sweatshirt, the star should have it. Look how grey it is. Let me just hold it for one second.
-Stop! Sweatshirty is a boy!
-Don't listen to her. She's not me.
-The story begins when dolphins ruled the Earth.
-Really?
-Congratulations. I am not interested in Godfather duties.
-I'm sorry we were stressing you out. We shouldn't do that. It'll turn a child into Dracula.
-Oh, man!
-Do you need some liniment rubbed on your perineum?
-Why would you pretend to help Jack? Help him for real. It takes the same amount of time.
-You will be punished, can I have my nunchucks back?
-What? Who is the black guy?

Subscribe by RSS, or on Twitter, or by email or on Facebook or on Tumblr

Episode 14
-Clear.
-I'll need a whale saddle.
-Kate Capshaw's husband?
-Pop Tart.
-As am I, Liz Lemon. It'll probably involve a guitar playing chimpanzee that I bought this morning.
-Uh. Hold on. DotCom is confirming that he drowned.
-Why are you putting me in a suit? I still have to memorize my Torah passage.
-Speaking? That doesn't sound like me. That sounds like work.
-I'm not scared of you people and I don't think those cashews look like a bowl of baby fetuses. Being is an EGOT is fun. Here's to me, spending the rest of my life in rooms like this.
-Breakfast with Chuck Schumer? I don't want to watch that guy eat. 5K homeless walk? That just seems cruel. Cornell commencement address? Sorry, but Tracy Jordan doesn't do safety schools. The next level sucks.
-Yes. Just now.
-But my incompetence knows no bounds.
-I don't remember saying you could listen to that conversation, but continue.
-Al Sharpton would denounce me in a press conference on the street because Al Sharpton doesn't have an office.
-I thought going to the next level would be amazing, Ken, like guitar playing chimpanzee amazing. God bless and keep him. But now everybody expects me to do all of this stuff and I don't want to let anyone down, but I'm scared.
-Kenward, I was thinking about what you said and you're right. I'm Oscar winner Tracy Jordan, and as scary as it is, I have a responsibility to fix the world starting with the worst place ever.
-Africa. I leave today. Goodbye.
-It's amazing, this morning I taught the local school children all the words to Monster Mash.
-Don't you think that this is bigger than all that? Like how an ant is much bigger than a smaller bug.
-I have to go, this was a really good decision. Goodbye, Kenny.
-Yup. Really good decision.

Episode 15
Tracy Jordan didn't say anything.

Episode 16
Tracy Jordan didn't say anything.

Episode 17
-I know the photo shoot for Randi's dog's funeral is the wrong place to tell you this, but uh, I'm going to Africa.
-Angie, look what the banister did to me.
-Let's roleplay.
-Our boat exploded.

Episode 18
-I'm doing God's work here in Africa. Why just yesterday I kicked 2 naked people out of a garden.
-Bamonoshiki, click, click, click. Yeah, that's right. I just put you in your place in African.
-Africa's great. We got juju monsters, gumgum trees, and horseicorns, which is a unicorn with a horse's head.
-Oh sure. Ladysmith Black Mombazo, Paul Simon, Invictus.
-Crazy! They had the snowiest winter in years in New York. In Africa.
-Uh oh, night time. Gotta go to bed or I'll anger the gods. They must be crazy. Africa.

Episode 19
-Well, well, well. You found me, after I ordered Thai food and gave you my address.
-Hang on. Something not's right. Why is Jeremy acting so weird? I don't like this.
-Uh oh. Jeremy, call me when you're alone.
-Black statue.
-What are you mad about? I'm waiving the $60 thousand dollars you owe me in appearance fees.
-Really? Think about it. TGS is your whole life so where's the last place you would be if you were out trying to save your show. Home! Life lesson from an unlikely source.
-I know, I've seen you do it.
-You're having a dream. Is this your only mustard?
-And yet you still don't have the one I'm thinking of. It's red. It says 'ketchup' on it. Oh. I hear it. That's on me.
-You don't think I want to, LL.
-As a timesaver, I will refer to the two of you as Klemon. I wanted that next level, Klemon. Now remember to save time, you two are Kemon. It's a combination of-
-I had everything I dreamed of. Awards, respect, Justin Long's autograph. But I also got expectations. People thought I could change the world and it's too much pressure. Like that time I got caught in Temple Grandin's hugging machine at the Golden Globes party.
-I'm sorry I did this to you, half of Klemon. Sean Penn wanted me to go to Haiti with him, and I'm not strong enough for the pain and human misery of a three hour plane ride with Sean Penn. I'm tired of hiding. I just want my old life back.
-It's not a leash, it's a very long skin tag.
-Because I had worn it to their wedding. It was special to the three of us.
-I have to burn all my goodwill, then they won't expect anything from me.
-Tracy Jordan is off the leash.

Episode 20
-Jesus was black.
-Why don't you shut your mouth, back that ass up, and make me a sandwich?
-I lied to all you ugly, white ladies. I didn't go to Africa. I was hiding in a warehouse in Queens watching vintage pornography.
-No, it's unbrave. You should hate me.
-What does that even mean?
-Yaaargh. Yaaargh.
-It was a disaster.
-I'm so reloved I can do no wrong. Now everyone's after me. Unicef, the Gates Foundation, and what is Farm Aid? Is it a drink? Is it a truck? Is it a bandage you put on a barn? See, that's the kind of lazy stand up I'll never do again.
-FU, LL, spells full. Because you're full of BS, Liz Lemon.
-You better be right, Liz Lemon, because I can't take much more of this. I think Bono got in my limo.
-I am a Jedi!
-No. No!
-I'm back, Liz Lemon.
-No, I mean I'm back to where I was yesterday. I can't get anyone mad at me. I even called a women's basketball team, 'nappy headed hoes'. Apparently, I'm aloud to talk like that. Why?
-Tracy who? I don't even know who I am anymore.
-There are tears falling on her boobies, Liz Lemon.
-I know you've been molested. That's how we all got here. But I don't want to hear about it.
-But I wasn't even supposed to say that. The line was, 'Tyrene, I hope Dr. Muguto has good news about my endoscopy', but I couldn't say that so they told me to improve.
-You see what you've done, Liz Lemon?
-Yeah, this is my front. Thanks for setting me up with another classic quote.
-You can keep it. I'm just packing up a few things and then I'm gone.
-I'm quitting show business. I can't stop the horrible respect people have for me.
-Of course, this is all off the record.
-But you don't understand.
-No, thank you.
-That's crazy. A man name Elia. That's a giraffe's name.
-Shoot someone, huh? Nah. That's crazy even for us.
-Hahahahaha.
-I'm sorry, Ken, but maybe Jenna was right. The only way I could come back is if I shoot someone, and that's crazy. Or is it? Maybe that's a good idea.
-I should shoot you on the roof of 30 Rock.
-I can not promise you that, Ken, I'm a horrible shot.
-We all have doubt, Ktel Records, but we made a decision, and we'll look stupid if we don't follow through.
-My bad. That was an accident.
-Don't startle me when I'm holding a gun. Use your head, Liz Lemon.
-I didn't know that, Jack. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get people to stop respecting me.
-Yes, even more than I want to shoot Kenneth.
-Let's make some TV.
-I'm back…everybody…you're welcome…for the adventure…my absence…woo…provided.
-The Grimace Foundation, Jerry. Keeping milkshakes purple for over a thousand years.

Episode 21
-Great impression of a guy that sucks, DotCom. Look, we've got a lot of work to catch up on.
-What are you laughing about?
-No, no, no, no, no. You three are not allowed to have inside jokes that I'm not a part of. I can have inside jokes that you're not a part of, for example, 'hot feet', or, 'ask Melissa about it.' But my entourage serves me, and, 'smooth move, Ferguson' is not funny to me, so it is forbidden. Understand? Next order of business, Griz' DVD reviews of this weekend.
-I knew it. I knew you were saying that behind my back.
-I knew you wouldn't stop and now your failure leaves us only one option. Explain to me why, 'smooth move, Ferguson' is funny.
-That story is not funny.
-Then I will be. We are going to recreate all the events surrounding 'smooth move, Ferguson,' exactly as they occurred. Maybe then we can get on with our lives. Let's get to work.
-Now that I've killed that bug, I'd like to call this 'smooth move, Ferguson' recreation meeting to order. Kenneth, report.
-Get a rain machine. Look, here, take my credit card, use it to break in to a special effects warehouse to steal one.
-Security footage, DotCom licks the subway steps. These are solvable problems.
-JMo, how long would it take for your hair to grow back?
-You know I do.
-Then we'll reconvene in three weeks. Meeting is adjourned. Oh, my God. What happened to my bug?
-K9. Operation Ferguson status report.
-Was DotCom standing that gay?
-Hey, what's my boy KJ doing on TV?
-Yeah, we did a movie together that he directed and co-starred in.
-Death to the CIA. Let us all increase production of millet and sunflowers!
-It was either that or play a rapping doorman in a Kate Hudson movie.
-Hahahahahahaha. I get it now, it's so funny. Everyone laugh. Now, you sons of bitches.
-OK, but you might not like what I have to tell you. Kim Jong Il sometimes shoots in the close up too much. Comedy lives in the wide shot. And also, this is going to be rough, his acting notes are often vauge.
-Smooth move, Ferguson, hahaha. Smooth move, Ferguson-
-It's not about the joke. It's about what the joke represents, you monsters.
-I came back and you were fine without me. You laughed without me. And that was our special thing, but no. You thought 'smooth move, Ferguson, was so hilarious.
-You dropped a bomb, K, continue.
-Wahahwhwaah. Don't ever tell me what to do. Quadhug, me in the middle. And also due to a paperwork mishap, you will not be getting paid this month.
-Yeah!
-I don't have to listen to this.
-The leads are weak.

Episode 22
-Heyyyyy.
-Fore! Oh my God. Liz? It's Tracy. From work!
-I just bought everything around this house. It's supposed to be a nice area except for the "new element" everyone keeps telling me. Look, I've got a long night of shooting guns in the air ahead of me, you mind if I take a nap here?
-If I start screaming in my sleep, do not wake me up. I will attack you.
-Ahhhhhh wake me up. Free me from this. Ahhhhh.
-Liz Lemon.
-The party hasn't started. That's just the guys setting up. Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I'm trying to get a humming bird to drink out of my penis.
-Oh, I'm sorry. You didn't want to live next door to your friend, after all I've done for you? How many times have I come over and painted your apartment?
-Or maybe you're saying we're not friends. That's fine. I don't think it'll effect my behavior next season.
-Great! I'll come over tomorrow morning.
-Fore! Hey, guys! It's me, Tracy. The black guy from work.
-I hooked a ball on to a truck on the Long Island Expressway and Tracy Jordan doesn't take mulligans. Good thing you had to move out of that house. Some idiot rammed his boat that I was driving in to it.

###

Possibly related posts:

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 4

aaron cohen — Wed, 26 May 2010 12:27:58 +0000

Subscribe by RSS, or on Twitter, or by email or on Facebook or on Tumblr

Last year, I put together a transcript of Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 3 of 30 Rock. You guys liked it and I subsequently put together Everything Hurley Said, Everything Sawyer Said, Everything Locke Said, Everything Don Draper Said, and a the first two seasons of Everything Tracy Jordan Said. Here is Season 4. This season, Tracy Jordan had a few great lines, specifically in Episodes 18 and 21. As always, these are ALL of Tracy Jordan's lines from Season 4. If you're looking for a best of list or this isn't your thing, there's plenty of other internet out there for you. It's going to take a second to get through, so be careful if you have stuff to do today.

Episode 1
-I can't eat this, I'm a foodie.
-Well, before I made it in the stand up, I was a bucket drummer in the subway.
-Oh, yeah? Then how come I got sued for sexual harassment at it?
-You know how on St. Bart's people be eating their lobster like this? Nyoooom, nyoooom, nyoooom, nyoooom.
-Don't look at me in the eyes.
-Have I lost touch with my roots? I better talk to Rabbi Schmuli about this.
-I blame you and Dotcom. You have built a protective shell around me like a hermit crab or a mermaid booby. And now I've touch with the common man. Ehhhh. Who's that?
-Oh, hey, guy. Come on in. So Rolly, where you from?
-Right on, my brother. My dear friend Moby opened up a tea house in Park Slope. Does he know you?
-Hey, Rolly, you ever lose your remote control?
-And then your wife start getting all mad because the roof won't close and the bed that's in the shape of your face is getting rained on? Hahaha. I like you, Rolly. Can I feel the rough skin on your hands?
-What do you mean that was weird? You sheltered me too much! I'm going out on the street and I don't want nobody to follow me. Nobody. Uhmm. Which one is the elevator I'm not afraid of? RIGHT.
-Kenneth, how do I get out of this building?!
-Hello?
-Hello, is anyone there? I'm in a sort of tunnel and I see a man with a blue uniform. I think he's a friend. Oh, never mind, there's a door. Oh, it's sunny!
-Hello, fellow human being. Would you like to ask me what time it is?
-Are you a large child or a small adult?
-You look regular, could I get your name? Is it Pedro? Is it Creckford? Is it Swimming?
-Are you a pre-op transcentaur?
-Excuse me, do you have change for a $10,000 bill?
-I would like some chicken nuggets, a beer, and some of my wife's rice, to stay.
-Excuse me, sir, do you want to hold hands with a black millionaire?
-Does anyone want to be my friend?
-I'm normal!
-It's going super great, Dotcom. Meet my new friends, Nobody. And his wife Susan Walters Hyphen Nobody. I'm so far from my roots, I don't think I'll ever get back.
-What's that sound? Bucket drummers!
-These. These are my people. Bucket drummers, if you're striking, so am I. Two-four-six-eight-ten-twelve-fourteen-sixteen-eighteen.
-New what? If it's a blonde woman, I'm a kill myself!

Episode 2
-Liz Lemon, you booger face. I'm going to kill you with a bazooka.
-I bought my wife that dumb book of yours and the more Angie reads it, the madder she gets at me.
-No, it's off me. A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber factory. It's on you, Liz Lemon, and you will be punished.
-Congratulations, Liz Lemon, now Angie wants a break. So instead of going to a hotel or my hotel, which I can not find, I'm staying with the woman that started this problem in the first place.
-Oh, yeah. There's a garbage bag in the hallway with a reef shark in it. Just put him in the tub with a reef. What's for dinner tonight? I want pierogies.
-Tracy and Liz's residence. Tracy speaking.
-It's Jenna, from work.
-Too soon.
-What's wrong, roomie?
-Hahahah.
-Hahahah
-Hahahaha
-Hahahah.
-Tracy and Liz's. Tracy speaking
-Now that we're all up, do you want to talk about the elephant in the room?
-I mean the figurative elephant. Liz, I been reading your book. Now I see why Angie's mad at me. 'If your man has seven cell phones, but won't give you any of the numbers, that's a deal breaker. If your man has a diamond necklace that says, 'Open Marriage', that's a deal breaker.' Liz Lemon. Every little thing I've done is in here. You used me to write your book!
-You stole my life, and you're gonna pay for it.
-I'll take all of them.
-She doesn't like to refill the Brita.
-And I will take the top half, for that is the half with the face.
-Something humiliating.
-Thank you, Jack.
-I'm willing to go splittsies.
-That's a pun on Amadeus, dummy. I will not be judged by you. You caused this whole Pharaoh. Until you are adequately debased, you will subsidize my predilection for erotica. And, oh yeah, I used your credit card to buy an vocabulary course from the teaching company.
-Affirmative.
-Everyone settle. And action!
-And cut! This is disgusting. Shut it down.

Episode 3
-I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.
-Orange and black decorations. Is this Halloween or Princeton Parent's Weekend? I don't know whether to be scared or proud of my cousin.
-Proud it is.
-He's in Cabo?
-What do you mean?
-Yeah, right. That's not a real thing.
-This is gonna be the scariest Princeton Parent's Weekend ever!
-Jack, you have to help me. I'm gonna die any minute.
-Celebrities, they always die in groups of three. Two already died and I might be the next to go.
-I gotta go somewhere where nothing will happen to me. Can you get me on Charlie Rose?
-Keep refreshing, maybe Andy Dick has died in the last 20 seconds.
-No, I have to take matters into my own hands. Boo!
-Hey, Betty. It's TJ.
-So how you feeling? Any arm pain, shortness of breath, plans to investigate corruption in Russia.
-Umm, no.
-You look clean. You a celebrity?
-No, celebrity.
-Perfect, I'll show you the shortcut.
-Yes, Queen Latifah's friend. I'm sure.
-I'm sorry, Ken, but I want to live.
-Ahhhh.
-I can't. I don't wanna die.
-What's wrong, Ken? That hatchet isn't real, is it?
-That's three! Tell my wife I went to Philadelphia on business! Yeah ha!

Subscribe by RSS, or on Twitter, or by email or on Facebook or on Tumblr

Episode 4
-Jennifer M. Why are you so worked up?
-Nothing's gonna change. They're gonna hire some skinny white guy. How is that a threat? You'll do your lady characters and I'll get on stage and people will laugh even when I forget my, um, my…line?
-Lines.
-Oh, yeah, I forgot, Dotcom, you know everything about acting because you played a bird in some stupid school play, hahahahaha. Hahahah.
-Where?
-He's Evil Tracy? Oh, he's evil comma Tracy. Go on.
-Dotcom? Oh no. I once saw that guy BECOME Trigorin at the Wesleyan Art Space. That guy is good. I can't compete with him.
-OK, let's go.
-I repeat. All funny gays into the car.
-We need the funniest fool to step forward.
-That'll work.
-And this is a reimbursement form for my gas. I drove a million miles.
-Paranoia! Where?
-Was describing your sandwich necessary to our understanding of what happened?
-Tell me more.
-And that freaks people out, huh? This is a learning and friendship adventure.
-Hey, Dotcom. Nice to meet you.
-Who, Brian Williams?
-My two cents, I liked the janitor.

Episode 5
-Hey, Jackie D. I hope the new dude isn't hard to work with like some people I know.
-Liz Lemon, you are blowing up like a balloon with a grenade in it.
-When I first got big, I made bad business decisions, too. Which is how I stuck having to plug Wade Boggs Carpet World 5 times whenever I appear on screen.
-Wade Boggs Carpet World. Wade Boggs Carpet World. Wade Boggs Carpet World.
-He knows your special like a black stripper with blue eyes. You have to test the marketplace.
-And one last piece of advice, Liz Lemon, from someone who has been on this side of the business for a long time. Wade Boggs Carpet World.
-From now on, I shall call us the Problem Solvers.
-Yo, Ken, do you have a problem that needs solving?
-Always have been, always will be.
-It's not about the room, Danny. It's about the man. Any room around here you see with a door, you make it your bathroom.
-Ken, you don't want to be a page forever.
-What? No, I mean, what's your dream job? Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
-So, someday you could be my boss.
-No, I'll brush my own teeth. Now I don't want you to have any resentments towards me. From now on, I don't want you to do anything for me.
-Hey, Jackie D. What's wrong? You're not your usual giggly self.
-Just to be safe, let's do both.
-You're not really capturing the sexual energy of it, but that was the message.
-Well, I could introduce you to my boy, Scotty Shofar.
-Hell, yeah. I'm a frequent guest of sports shouting.
-Ahhhhhhhhh.
-Nah, introducing you to Scotty probably wouldn't solve your problems with Jack.
-I don't know, all white people look the same to me, Pete.
-That's what Danny was saying. We have to be cool to everybody. Because the future is like a Japanese game show. You have no idea what's going on.
-That was abooot the coolest thing I've ever seen.
-Nine hours.
-He knows what I want before I do.
-I wanted waffles.
-Yayyyyyyy.
-Do you have a problem? Then call the Problem Solvers.
-Taxes got you down? Wasps in your crawl space?
-Call the Problem Solvers.
-Because after all, what's a problem but an opportunity disguised as a stripper having a seizure on your boat?
-Mouse in your house?
-We are the Problem…Solvers.
-That was a good rehearsal, now let's record it. And we're rolling.

Episode 6
-It's take your black kid to work day.
-Every day. I thought having a family was going to be like the Cosby Show. 'Oh, no, Vanessa went to a concert. Oh, no, Rudy and I are making a sandwich for 25 minutes.' The Cosby Show was a lie. Having a family can be the worst. For example, I have a strip club story from this weekend I need to tell you, Jackie D. It is disgusting. But I can't because I got this little D-Bag here.
-And yet, you won't tell me.
-Woah, woah, woah, woah. I mean, that's a big decision. Having a family is also the best thing a man can…He's gone. So my story. So I'm in the strip club with Charles Barkley and one of the hobbits…Damn it, I can't live like this. I'm getting a vasectomy, too!
-The Cosby Show lied to me.
-Trying to get someone to move out? May I suggest what got my neighbors to move out? Black person moved in, scared them off.
-I gotta lot of good ideas. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take my son to my vasectomy because the Cosby Show lied to me and I cannot tell an amazing strip club story.
-Sure, I know how to do that. You lied to me, Bill Cosby, you lied to me. Uh, oh. Here comes my hallucination.
-Denise, Vanessa, Sandra the boring one? It's your father, I'm having a Cosby Show hallucination.
-Theo, what's going on here? Did Rudy make a mess with the juicer again? Vanessa was supposed to be watching her and not upstairs gossiping on the phone.
-Your adorable sister and your sister.
-That's why my life is not like the Cosby Show. I only have boys and boys are disgusting. I need a baby girl. Don't patronize me. Stop laughing, it's not funny. I need a baby girl. Don't snip my vas deferens.
-Wake up, Tracy. Wake up. I don’t want a vasectomy Dr. Spaceman. I need to go back in time. Why did I sell my Delorean to Mr. T?
-Jackie D, I need a baby girl!
-What made you change your mind?
-Well, I hope he makes me an across helmet so I don't get hurt playing across. Now, come on, that's pretty solid for a guy who just came out of a hallucination.
-Frank, I'm gonna have a daughter, and I would never tell that story. It's demeaning to women. Especially if they've had their boobies sneezed on by a tiger.

Episode 7
-Uh, Liz Lemon. I need to talk to you.
-Come over here and check out my corner. No trap.
-Come over here, I said, in my normal tone of voice.
-Liz Lemon, recently I realized that I have a hole in my heart and not the one I got from eating batteries. It's because I don't have a daughter.
-I want a baby girl, Liz Lemon. I mean having a daughter is like going to the NBA All Star weekend. It changes you. Makes you want to take your wife to the doctor.
-I'm glad you feel that way because Angie's on her way up and I want you to tell her for me.
-Oh, yes you are. Click.
-I said click to distract you from the sound of the hand cuffs.
-You did good.
-What are you implying? I'm a very attentive father.
-There was a better kid's birthday party up the street.
-Your hair did? You just got your hair did. You have to get your hair did again?
-Racist!
-You know what? Keep your hair appointment. I'll do the Christmas shopping to prove to you I can be reliable and that I can finish everything that I…
-I need a special gift for my wife. Something that says, "I'm responsible." Something simple. Classy.
-Yes, perfect. What's that? I want it. I forgot why I originally came in here.
-Sure, I know him from the secret black people meetings. Nah, I'm just kidding. He's not invited. But who's an EGOT?
-That's a good goal for a talented crazy person. Nah, that was earlier. I want this.
-Marco!
-Marco!
-No need, I got something better than presents for you and the kids. I got us all this EGOT necklace for me.
-It's not dumb, it's smart. This necklace is a life goal. I'm going to win me an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony.
-I am gonna EGOT. For us, for the family and especially for little Chewbaquina Jordan.
-Great. I'll be in touch. You still use your Hotmail account?
-I'd first like to thank my creative team for coming here on such short notice and I'm sorry I'm four hours late. Dotcom, research update.
-That's good raw data, now turn it over to Griz for analysis.
-Kenneth, synthesize Griz' analysis.
-And then a Broadway play based on that movie. This is how I'm gonna get my baby girl. All I have to do is create the most popular song of all time!
-I started already!
-People. Love song. About love and cars. I've started already. Stop, stop. It's all wrong. How could five of the most popular musical styles all played at once sound so bad?
-Oh, yeah, Ken? What do you know about the pressures of EGOTing? I need to speak to someone who's been there. A fellow EGOTer.
-Is it me or is Liz Lemon getting hotter?
-I gotta EGOT, Whoopi. See I made this deal with my wife. If I don't EGOT, then I can't have another kid.
-You created the super-majority?
-I don't get it. Why is it so hard? I paid all these people to create the most popular song in the world for me.
-Wait, is that a Day Time Emmy?
-That's good advice, Whoopi.
-Say, could I have a glass of water before I leave?
-Thank you.
-Baby girl, you're the missing piece. The perfect fit. Baby girl. You're the product of doing it.
-Uhhh, wait. If you really want a baby, I'll give you my gift, but I must warn you, I won't be around a lot. Cause I'm EGOTing.
-I know, we're lucky people laugh when I say stuff.

Episode 8
-What's with all the junk, Ken?
-OK.
-Dig.
-Gonna let that one slide.
-Verdukianism? That doesn't make sense. Jimmy is Catholic.
-So you guys are Verdukians?
-Mmmhmm. Then sing that Verdukian winter carol. The famous one.
-What the what? New dude is as good at signing as Tracy Jordan is at everything.
-What's up, special K, having a party?
-Your generosity is being taken advantage of.
-Verdukianism, it's fake. Those dudes made it up because they didn't want to do Secret Santa.
-That's what religion is, KFed. Just a bunch of made up rules to manipulate people. Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I tell you why. Because the Pope owns Long John Silver's.
-Oh, Ken. We may have fallen into the intellectual deep end here and if you try to grab on to me, we'll both drown.
-OK. Time to go.
-Something you want to say?

Episode 9
-Finally! Over the break I forgot which floor I worked on.
-Six! I knew it was a character from Blossom, but I couldn't find the Joey Russo button.
-I had a pretty amazing New Year's, too. My wife and I are trying for a daughter and on New Year's Eve I think I got Angie pregnant.
-OK, but I was gonna describe it real good.
-I did it. Angie just called, she's pregnant.
-Yes, and it gets better. I just had a burrito.
-I know it's a girl, Liz Lemon, because I yelled Susan B. Anthony at the moment of conception.
-We're gonna name her after the place that she was conceived. It was a pretty wild night, so we're either gonna name her, Virginia, NetJet, or Bathroom at Teeterboro Airport.
-Hey, baby. You knew here?
-Uh, huh. And before you worked here, where you an ass scientist? Because your ass blah, blah, blah, you get the point. So what's your name?
-Virginia? But that's gonna be my daughter's name. Are you also someone's daughter?
-Is every woman someone's daughter?
-Uh, oh!
-I blame you three for my unhealthy attitude towards women! You have created an atmosphere of hostility and intolerance that everyone talks about all the time. Griz. When was the last time you told your fiancé you loved her –Since the phone call I interrupted to make this announcement. Kenneth, your haircut is disrespectful to lesbians. Dotcom, do you EVER read books by women?
-Enough! I've made a decision and starting next week, I'm adding a woman to the entourage.

Episode 10
-Hey, Kenneth. Why aren't your teeth growing in the black light?
-Sue, you're probably wondering why we asked you to join the entourage. Well, over the years, I've had a complicated relationship with women. From my treatment of the dancers here to my remarks about Madeline Albright at the 1996 White House Correspondents' Dinner.
-What? It's true. She does look like one of those.
-That's why I'm adding a daughter to the entourage family. Now what's on the schedule for today?
-I think I'm going to go ahead and cancel that.
-A hang on. No! I don't think we should go to a strip club. It just doesn't feel right. I think we should let the new member choose an activity.
-I said we're not going to a strip club.
-Why don't you understand? I don't want to take you to a strip club.
-Hey hey, watch your mouth, she's only 34 years-old.
-K. What's wrong with me? First I don't want to go to strip clubs and then I get angry at the hilarious dude that says something awesome.
-But I'm not like that with my sons. When they were little, I threw them in the deep end of our pool. To help them get over their fear of sharks.
-Thank God, because the doctors keep telling me it's pretty clogged!
-Ah, where are you going? It's board game night.
-Out? With whom?
-Well, does Doug have a last name?
-You are part of this entourage.
-Look, I know you didn't mean that.
-There you are. You know Kenneth and I were worried sick about you?
-That's not important anymore. I want to talk to you about our fight the other night. Look. Having a girl in your life is different. You want to protect her. And the best that you can hope for is that some day a nice man will come and take her from you. That's it.
-Here he is now. I knew this day would come, I just didn't think it would be so soon. You take good care of her.
-I don't know if I can go through this with a real daughter.
-No, I wouldn't. Not for a billion doll hairs.
-Yeah. They're not worth nothing. You could probably sell them to a doll company and get maybe forty grand for them.

Subscribe by RSS, or on Twitter, or by email or on Facebook or on Tumblr

Episode 11
-Liz Lemon, I can't go to Boston.
-You don't understand. I get in trouble on the road.
-Thank you. Thank you. It's great to be here, Cleveland.
-I suck? The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame sucks.
-Hello!
-The road is a mine field, LL. All those angry drunks and new temptations.
-That stupid, Irish piece of… Oh, boy. Boston is not gonna go well.
-Now what am I supposed to do? I got free time in a strange city.
-Puuurrrrfect like a cat birthday. How could I possibly get in trouble on a walking tour.
-You lying white devil. The only people you set free were rich white dudes like yourself.
-We ain't… No! Most dudes that signed that Declaration of Independence owned slaves. What about you, John Hancock?
-For the dude that has the most hilarious last name I ever heard you blow. We didn't land on Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock landed on Mars.
-Sure, find a scapegoat. Just like John Hancock did with the good King George.
-Boston was just the match that lit the powder keg, like the tragic events at Lexington and Concord.
-Sounds like one of King George's hated tax collectors.
-Don't listen to him. We fell for his lies 300 hundred years ago. Don't let this slave owning time traveler fool us again!
-Then patriots are overrated.
-I said they suck. Uh oh. Here come the punches. This was all Snitterman's fault.
-Uh, huh. And where did you two meet?
-Really? So five years AFTER Crispus Attucks was killed in the Boston Massacre?

Episode 12
-OK, push. Push, Liz Lemon!
-Congratulations, it's Meat Cat!
-I'm sorry. Would you like to stay at my guest house?
-Oh, I'm not offering, I'm just taking a survey to gauge general interest. But Liz here has a spare apartment. Ain't that right, Liz?
-Oh, woah, woah.
-You're sleepwalking, Liz. It's a little understood parasomnia disorder.
-OK, I don't mean to be the black guy at the movies, but, "You better move, girl!"
-This just got awesome.
-This is the worst thing I've ever seen.

Episode 13
-It's a real problem in the celebrity community, but if Beyonce simply answered one of my letters, I'd stop trying to break into her house.
-Can't do it, Lee Lem. On Valentine's Day, Angie and I rent a room with a heart shaped hot tub and cook chili in it. Then we take it to soup kitchen and that's when it starts to get sexy!
-I'm Tike Myson, baby boxer. I'm crazy like that. Googoo googoo.

Episode 14
-[Cough, cough, cough, cough], I think we got it.
-Excuse me, do you know who you're talking to? A future Tony nominated actor. That's right. It is Tony eligibility season. And I'm going for the T in my EGOT.
-I'm doing a one man show.
-Tonight!
-What am I? A nerd? I'm gonna keep it loose, Liz Lemon.
-I did it. I'm a Broadway star! Jenna, could you accept my Tony on my behalf? June is a tough month for me because I begin lifeguarding again,
-5 hours.
-I don't know, people seemed to like it.
-Wait, the same show?
-But I can't do that, I'm a spontaneous actor. I never do the same thing twice.
-Honey, I'm home. Pac Man, I'm Jewish. Jeffrey, we lost the tournament. I can't do 7 more performances.
-Do they give an award for tarantula misplacement?
-Got it, no farting.
-After me.
-No, Tracy.
-No, stop it-Uh, we gotta start over. I farted.
-To sit in darkness in a sharp sharp sharp. In darkness in sitting in the sharp. This is stupid.
-Well, maybe we're just gonna have to agree to disagree on the acting process.
-I don't know, when I'm acting, I just do me and people seem to love it.
-Your performance.
-Karsfeld, Ruben M. Klavec, Yuri. Klassen, Igor. Klesterin, Robert. Klasco, Harold. Kluber, Tatiana.
-Bordnay, Lorenzo. Chinlow, Martin. Broadman. Gil. Takakahamo, Jessica. Themopoulis, Dororthy. Lippowitz, Lauren.

Episode 15
-Yeah, I'm supposed to be drinking a soda right now.
-That's the craziest thing I ever heard, Episcopal.
-I wish. Our old nanny wrote a tell all book about me.
-It's bad. I just got the call from a friend at Little Brown.
-No! The premier talent agency for black dwarves.
-Everything. My addiction to prescription glasses. The fact that I suffer from attention deficit disor-Jack your shoes are shiny! And worse of all, she revealed the fact that I've never cheated on my wife.
-That's all for show. I love my wife and only her.
-My wild and sexually adventurous image is how I make my money, Liz Lemon. I start losing my endorsements, Angie's gonna be madder than a bat in a suitcase. Uh oh, which reminds me. Gordon? Gordon?
-But, Frank, I still party. I'm still terrible at my job.
-I did, J-Mo, I held a press conference this morning.
-I'm here to announce that I'm leaving show business to spend more time with my stripper.
-But it's like a black Barbie Doll in Arizona, nobody's buying it.
-But John Edwards and I were supposed to ride on their Cinco de Mayo float.
-It's gotten worse. Somebody leaked my voicemails.
-Hey, baby, it's your husband. So I'm at Bed Bath & Beyond and I can't remember, did you say to get metal or wood shower curtain rings? Oh, you're calling me on the other line. I can't wait to talk to you. I love you.
-She says I better have an affair and quick before it tears are family apart.
-That's the problem, who's desperate enough to have sex with me at this point?
-Hello, Elizabeth, may I offer you a succulent fruit?
-Let me do a dance for you, my lover. No, no this is wrong. I can't have sex with you, Liz Lemon. I love Angie too much.
-I'm sorry, LL. I know how much you wanted this to happen. I'm disappointed in me, too. If I can't have an affair, Tracy Jordan is finished.
-I am lucky. Thanks, Liz Lemon.
-And you know what? One day you will have what I have because you're an amazing, strong, and talented woman, like Hilary. From Fresh Prince of Belair.
-I'm sorry, I was still riding the vibe from earlier.

Episode 16
-Oh huh, good morning.
-Lemoroni, something horrible happened to me last night. I had a dream that Kenneth and I got intimate in a portable Jacuzzi. It was crazy, glistening black and white skin. It looked like a close up of a killer whale being born.
-Just like this amazing city that we live in.
-Nooooooooo!
-Nooooooooo!
-I had another freaky Kenmare.
-Nooooooooo! Oh Oh Oh.
-Me, too. But how do we know this isn't a dream? Wait a minute, all my teeth are loose, so we're good. It's true.
-What kind a sick mind dreams that?
-Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
-We have to Elm Street this. We have to go to sleep and kill Kenneth in our dreams.
-This is a dream. You're in control.
-It's working, we've joined forces in our dreamscape, now we fly.
-Controlling our dreams?
-It worked!
-And we are never, never taking you for granted again. In fact, we'd like to sing you a thank you song.

Episode 17
-Not now, Jackie D, I heard on the walkie talkies that there's a red headed milf walking around with some executive.
-It's an 18th Century word for dark-skinned Moor. I've learned the word 'black' in every language, just so I know when to be offended. Russian tcherny, Korean hooking, dolphin eeee eeee eee eeee.
-Nah uh, I'm telling you, Dotcom, old school racism is back.
-Barry Obams is the one who brought it back.
-Hey, something's going on. You know what I seen last night? A Sloven Shield commercial with a black burglar.
-Oh, yeah, it's back on. Get ready, son. All you've ever known is your affirmative action job and Queen Latifah Covergirl commercials.
-That is a 15th Century term for a black pirate. Racist!
-Oh, yeah, just ask the black guy because we all know each other. Pete, could you tell a bald eagle to stop scaring me at zoos?
-You know, I been wanting to say this for a few seconds now. This work place has become a hotbed of old school racism.
-Oh, yeah? Then how come I'm always forced to play redikorus characters that don nununciate well?
-Nah, you can play it off, but I know that you're all secretly mad that we finally have a black Disney princess.
-Of course not, the Aryan hates and fears the African man. As we so clearly saw in the Blade movies.
-Splcok, short for black Spock.

Subscribe by RSS, or on Twitter, or by email or on Facebook or on Tumblr

Episode 18
-Yeah, Thursday Night Thunder. That's been going on for years.
-Well, I yelled Baba Booey at Walter Cronkite's funeral, so I actually have no idea of what's rude or not.
-But I couldn't Thunder last night because I had to take Angie to the ER. She had some complications with her pregnancy, so that kind of trumps your little problem?
-Well, she's fine and the baby's fine, but they put her on bed rest until her blood pressure goes down.
-There is one thing. Could you take care of Angie like a husband until this whole ass ache blows over?
-What about you, K?
-This better be important, I'm in a meeting.
-Great update, Ken. Thanks for checking in. Talk to you later.
-What, but why? You're much better at that serving stuff than I am.
-To be honest, I couldn't really understand anything Rick James was saying.
-Fine, I'll be there soon. And if you get hungry, you can help yourself to anything in the fridge and once I'm there I'll figure determine how much to charge you.
-Hey, Ken. Isn't that a fun place to stand? Oh, I forgot to warn you about my dog, Tracy, Sr. I trained him to hate white people because, not to profile, but most ghosts are white. This is my boy here. And look what Angie did to him. She set up an invisible fence. He gets shocked if he tries to leave the property. Just because he'd run away and cause car accidents and impregnate neighbors horses, he's trapped here just like me.
-I'm trying, Ken, and I want to be responsible, but I been me for a long time.
-No, we're not supposed to do any sex stuff while she's on bed rest.
-Oh, like a real one! I'm on it.
-Maybe this will get Angie to stop calling me irresponsible. Just stay focused and take this sandwich to my wife.
-Nope. I'm in a strip club, my bad!
-Ken, why did you let me go to a strip club?
-This is bad because I can't change. I'm like a chameleon, always a lizard.
-This better be a meeting, cause I'm important!
-I can't, LL. First of all the Secret Service never gave me back my T Shirt canon. And second of all, I gotta stay home and take care of Angie.
-People don't say that anymore. They say Surf Party USA.
-Look, Liz Lemon, I know your feelings are hurt, but parties are like Frisbees. If you throw them the wrong way, they'll veer off in a bad direction and then your kid will fall into a quarry.
-Don't throw a party for vengeance. It will turn on you. Like your wife, after your kid has fallen into a quarry.
-I don't know what to do. A party's in trouble and I'm the only one that can save it.
-I'm torn, K-Pax. I know I should be here, but my body's going to take me to Liz Lemon's. What do I do?
-Put the electric dog collar on me.
-Man, Tracy, Sr took of fast. He did not want to live here.
-You're gonna pour glue in the lock. That's how my kids keep me out of the liquor cabinet.
-No, Ken, there's something else you have to do, for all of us. Unfortunately, there's only one Tracy Jordan, but sometimes he's needed in two places. You're Tracy Jordan now. Go. Go save that party.
-Wait, I don't walk that well.
-This better be Meat Men, I'm importing.
-Hey, Ken.
-Oh my God.
-Oh my God, I just didn't want to go outside, it's chilly.
-No, this is something I have to do myself.
-Yes, he probably picked up your scent and he's hunting you. I suggest you cut off a finger and throw it in the river.
-Huh, maybe this doesn't work on people. Ahhhh. Ahhhh. Ahhhh. My neck. My swan like neck. Ahhh. Must fight through it. Also, must weed lawn.
-I made it. I'm on the other side. I'm free. I can go anywhere I want. Like Liz's party. Or one of those place where you sky dive over a huge fan.
-Hmm. Maybe it doesn't work on people anymore. Ahhhh. It still does. Ahhhh.
-Oh, God. If you deliver me from this, I promise every Sunday, I'll go to, huh? I'm through it. Pizza Hut. I'll go to Pizza Hut. Ha!

Episode 19
-Before we rehearse, I have an announcement to make. Our boy Griz is getting married on May 22.
-So I thought Griz would like to take this time to announce who's going to be his best man.
-Um, I haven't decided yet. You sound like my mother talking to the Planned Parenthood lady. Seriously, which one of your rich and famous friends with hepatitis B are you going to pick?
-Let's not do this in front of everybody, you sound like my mother being booed onstage at a 2 Live Crew concert.
-Damn, my mother had problems.
-Of course, you guys are very close. Continue.
-Really? I'd be awesome at that.
-But who's gonna tell U2?
-No, you two idiots. I see what you're trying to do. You're trying to manipulate me into not being the best man. And, damn it, Griz, I've known you since you were 6 feet tall. I'm gonna be your best man. I am the leader of this entourage and because of you, I'm having a tantrum. Now pick up that table and smash it for me.
-That's fair. I know that!
-Woah, you watch your mouth before I show you the back of my hand.
-Liz Lemon, I don't even want to be best man. Why would I? Show up on time? Not lose a ring? Keep my shirt on though a dinner?
-Because I'm trying to protect Dotcom, dummy. He's in love with Griz' fiancé, Fyonce.
-No, Griz' fiancé is name Fyonce, like Beyonce with an F.
-Listen, we cannot make Dotcom get up there and give a speech at that wedding. It'd kill him.
-You think that's impressive. Watch me stand on one foot. Hold on, I did it earlier.
-No, you do.
-Bored.
-So you're?

Episode 20
-I gave Kenneth her information.
-OK, but whoever she is needs to be someone as amazing as I am. I want to see a list of names. Like when they was looking for John McCain's running mate. Hahaha. I'm kidding, this needs to be taken seriously.
-Novella Nelson. Oh, wait, is she Aquaman's girlfriend?
-That could be anyone. We all look the same to me. Is she famous?
-What about the list I gave you? Phylicia Rashard? Serena Williams?
-Who cares, she's awesome and so am I. I want Serena Williams to be my mother.
-Like anyone would recognize you anyway.
-You are way beneath me, Novella. I am a movie star, a television actor, and the Guinness Book of World Records holder for most car accidents in a single year.
-Fine. I'd rather be up on that stage all alone than be up there with someone whose resume has black judge on it 9 times.
-I saved a lot of kids from lame sex.
-I hear you. Because you're talking in the ear that I didn't lose a button in.
-Boy, I though I had it bad with my fake mom.
-Yeah, it's true and she is a good actress. I bought those Pajammaralls.
-No, Jenna. No one gets to choose their mom. Even when they're fake. For good or bad, we're stuck with them. And you know, they don't get to choose who we are either. And God knows we're not perfect.
-You look beautiful, mom.
-I think I'm ready for the sex talk.
-That's our show. Thanks for watching.
-Goodnight, stay tuned for a special Mother's Day edition of Bitch Hunter.

Episode 21
-Entourage meeting. I know which movie I'm doing this summer.
-It's a pun, because cats paws have grooves.
-It's perfect. I'm playing Garfield. My whole part is being shot on green screen in 3 days and they're paying me exactly 1 million teacher salaries.
-What's this?
-Interesting. And I've gotta win an Oscar somehow. It's either this or I submit that animated film I drew about the Holocaust.
-I read the script.
-I hated it. I couldn't relate.
-I don't remember that kind of stuff. I mean, I remember being born, of course. I remember learning how to ride a bike, but that was last year. From '75 to '82 is just a blur.
-No, I don't. I was on a yacht with the Roots last week, dude.
-What are we doing here? You told me we were going someplace boring. This is an awesome copy shop!
-That's where I grew up.
-My God, nothing's changed at all.
-Why do I recognize that stairwell?
-It's all coming back to, oh my God. I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs! I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a ribcage! A ribcage.
-Why did you bring me here? I blocked all this stuff out for a reason. Oh, Lord. Some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish!
-I hate pain! I'm doing Garfield 3, and as soon as I make some copies of my passport, I'm never coming back here. Move.
-Nermal. I hate you, Nermal. Almost as much as I hate Mondays. This is my lasagna. You hear me Nermal? My lasagna.
-Well I'm sorry Sean, and child actor whose name I can't remember. You haven't walked in my shoes! All my life I've tried to forget the things I've seen. a crackhead breast-feeding a rat A homeless man cooking a Hot Pocket on a third rail of the G train! The G train, Nermal! There's something inside of me that needs to come out. And if Garfield 3: Feline Groovy can't tell my story. Then I'll win my Oscar elsewhere or I'll die trying.
-I've seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I've seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy's! The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk!

Episode 22
-California, no way, Ken. You gotta tank this promotion. Do a sloppy job and they'll leave you alone. That's how I got out of doing foreplay with Angie. And my taxes.
-If you've learned anything from me, it's how to do a bad job. Go, honor me, save yourself. But first get me a sandwich.
-That's my boy.
-On behalf of Griz and Fyonce, I like to thank Jack Donaghy for letting us have this reception here after the other location couldn't support the weight of Griz' extended family.
-Now, hit it!
-Hey, this ain't the place for-.

Subscribe by RSS, or on Twitter, or by email or on Facebook or on Tumblr

Somewhat related:
Everything Hurley Said
Everything Sawyer Said
Everything Locke Said
Everything Don Draper Said
Everything Tracy Jordan Said

###

Possibly related posts:

Everything Sawyer Said Season 5

aaron cohen — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 19:19:10 +0000

Subscribe by RSS, or follow on Twitter, or subscribe by email or on Facebook

Here's Everything Sawyer Said from Season 5 of Lost. When I started watching this season again, I was surprised by how big of a role Sawyer had this year. In fact he had about 1/3 more lines than Locke, who seemed to be at least as big a character. Surprisingly, there were 3 episodes in which Sawyer didn't appear. He had about 6K words, which point of reference, Don Draper usually comes in around 9K-10K.

If you like this, you might like Everything Hurley Said, Everything Locke Said, Everything Don Draper Said or Everything Tracy Jordan Said. As always, these are submitted without context, so it might not be your thing. It's a big internet out there, though, you'll find something.

Lost fans, you should subscribe to 815 Sentences About Lost, a project of mine which is launching next week.

Episode 1
"Hell was that?"
"Where's the freighter?"
"Uh uh, no way. A minute ago there was just coffin black smoke. Now there's just nothing?"
"It was heading for that boat."
"Just calm down, there's no need to panic, alright, we'll just go back to camp, figure this…"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"What do you mean the camps not gone? Who the hell are you anyway?"
"You mean the hatch? The one we blew up?"
"Before what happens again. And why is our camp gone?"
"I told you. We were running out of gas. I wanted to make sure she…I wanted to make sure they got back to the boat. It don't matter now, does it?"
"First things first. Give me your shirt."
"Yeah."
"How we call a time out so you can tell us what the hell's going on?"
"Trust you? I don't know you."
"Shut it, Ginger, or you're getting one, too. Now talk."
"What?"
"Not everyone. Locke."
"Great."
"So when are we now, Wiz Kid?"
"It was. Blown up, just like we left it."
"You saying our camp is back on the beach again?"
"Good, I'm going back."
"More pointless than staring at a hole in the ground?"
"Yeah, well, what if it ain't? Hell, what if the helicopter hasn't even taken off yet?"
"Who says?"
"Why not?"
"How do you know so much about this, Danny Boy?"
"So how can we stop it?"
"Then who can?"
"Son of a… bitch."
"Backdoor. I'm getting some supplies."
"The sky can flash all it wants, but I ain't starting over, Dilbert. I ain't rubbing 2 sticks together to start a fire and I ain't hunting damn boar. There's Dharma food, beer, and clothing in there. And I'm getting Desmond to let me in one way or another."
"Yeah, why not?"
"This would all be fascinating if I was listening to you."
"I don't care whose in there."
"Open the damn door."
"Sure it will."
"You'll open up. It's the ghost of Christmas future."
"Open the damn door. Open the door."
"Open up, I know you can hear me."
"Argh…Door."
"Everybody that I care about just blue up on your damn boat. I know what I can't change."

Episode 2.
"Whose shirt is this?"
"Can I have it?"
"I'll take that as a yes, Frogurt."
"Yeah, yeah."
"Still in one piece?"
"Figured it would have disappeared with the rest of our stuff."
"What?"
"Welcome back, Dr. Wizard."
"Shut up."
"You've been gone for 2 hours, what the hell were you doing?"
"Well, you figure out when the sky is going to light up again?"
"Well, you at least got a plan?"
"What do you mean, you found it?"
"Hey, ease up, there, Frogurt."
"Run!"
"Come on. Split up, everyone get to the creek."
"Come on, he's dead."
"Come on, he's dead."
'Come on, you want to be dead, too? Come on. There's nothing you could have done. We gotta go now."
"Ow."
"Yeah, I'm fine, I just stepped on something. Something jammed… Uhh. Son of a bitch. We should keep moving, we gotta hook up with everybody at the creek."
"I don't know, the wet part. Sorry if my plan's not up to others…"
"Who were those people? Are they yours? Did they shoot the arrows?"
"You don't have to be a wise-ass, I'm just trying to..."
"Let her go."
"Other?"
"Hold on, just hold on. Chill out. We're not supposed to be here. Something's happening to the island. There are these flashes."
"Wait a second, I'll tell you whatever you want to know."

Episode 3
"Well, gee, I didn't have time to ask with Frogurt on fire and all."
"Who cares about the rifle, where the hell have you been?"
"What happened to your leg?"
"By who?"
"Fine, seeing as we have no rope to make sure these two don't try to kill us again. Guess we're gonna have to shoot 'em."
"What?"
"What language is that?"
"So who taught you Latin?
"Enlightened, my ass."
"Well, maybe I should've said it in my secret language."
"What the hell are you saying?"
"Shoot him!"
"Shoot, damn it!"
"Are you crazy?! What were you thinking? Why didn't you shoot him?"
"I hate to bust up the "I'm an Other, you're an Other" reunion, but Faraday…the guy that's actually gonna save us…is being death marched into the jungle right now."
"You're not gonna help me save him?"
"That's gonna get us all killed. You go rolling in there, they're gonna know we're here."
"What about you? You wanna stay here in Crazytown or help me rescue the geek?"
"Drop the gun, Blondie."
"She puts hers down first."
"I said, drop it!"
"Son of a bitch."
"You told her?"
"You Alright?"

Episode 4
"What the hell's wrong with her? She's been out for ten minutes."
"She's asking if you know why your girlfriend had a seizure."
"She's like this 'cause the sky keeps lighting up. He knew this would happen and he didn't say squat about it."
"Excuse me?"
"That greenhouse is a long ways away."
"And let me guess. You know exactly what to do when we get there."
"And how you gonna do that?"
"Bring who back?"
"The boat blew up, and that chopper was probably on it."
"Says who?"
"It doesn't matter what I want."
"I'll tell you "now what". We're going to the Orchid."
"Hey, Locke? What are you gonna say to her?"
"Kate. What are you gonna say to her to get her to come back?"
"Well, let me tell you something. She was pretty excited to hop on that chopper and get the hell out of here."
"Beach is this way. Now you wanna take the scenic route?"
"Shh!"
"Nobody move."
"I got this."
"It don't matter. It's gone now."
"I already told you. It was nothing."
"And how is it that you knew when we were, Johnny Boy? That light in the sky, it was from the Hatch, wasn't it?"
"Did you get an answer?"
"Did it?"
"So why'd you turn us around then? Don't you wanna go back there?"
"So you could tell yourself to do things different, save yourself a world of pain."
"Hello?"
"Finally. Anybody for a Dharma beer? Hello? Anybody here? Rose? Bernard?"
"Son of a bitch!"
"Yeah? Well, where's the rest of the dog? Where's the rest of our people?"
"Why the hell would they do that?"
"Let me see that. "Ajuhrah"?"
"Great. Maybe they got a flight out of here to Vegas tonight. Who came in these? Other Others?"
"I saw Kate."
"Last night, in the jungle. Before the last flash. Delivering Claire's baby."
"Time travel's a bitch."
"Paddle!"
"Shut up and keeping paddling!"
"Little help! Little help!"
"Paddle harder! They're getting closer! Thank you, Lord! I take that back!"
"What conversation was that?"
"I wasn't about to tell you anything."
"I was close enough to touch her. If I wanted to, I could've stood right up and talked to her."
"What's done is done."
"Juliet?"

Subscribe by RSS, or follow on Twitter, or subscribe by email or on Facebook

Episode 5
"Turn around slowly."
"Jin? You're kidding me. I thought you were on that boat. I thought you were dead!"
"Well, what do you say!"
"Every time the sky lights up, we move through time."
"You heard the man, translate."
"You speak Korean, Red?"
"Come on!"
" Juliet."
"You have a little..."
"What'd she say?"
"What the hell is she talking about?"
"Flashes are getting closer together. Maybe when your nose starts bleeding, you’ll realize we gotta get out of Dodge now. We’ll come back for her just as soon as we can."
"Hell!"
"Let me ask you something, John. If we don’t even know when the hell we are, what happens if the Orchid ain’t around anymore?"
"I’ll be sure and do that."
"You just had to say something."
"You’re going down there?"
"What exactly are you hoping to find?"
"Expecting a subway?"
"You sure you don't want us to lower you down?"
"John, damn it, hold on!"
"No, no, no, no, no!"
"No, no!"
"Come on and help me!"

Episode 6

Episode 7

Episode 8
"No. No! No! No! No! No!"
"Come on! Help me! Come on."
"Locke!"
"Great."
"Now we wait for him to come back."
"As long as it takes."
"What?"
"What kind of a situation?"
"Son of a bitch."
"Evening, Enos. You got your zapper with you?"
"'Cause our fearless leader is out blowing up trees."
"'Cause he's loaded."
"He doesn't, so we're gonna keep this on the down low."
"Alright. You put out that fire. Pack up this dynamite. I'll take him home."
"You wanna tell Amy where we found him? "
"Now, help me get him up."
"You tell me."
"By the Flame, blowin' up trees with dynamite. Wanna tell me why?"
"Must have been a doozy."
"Personal? You think this isn't gonna get out? It'll be on the coconut telegraph by breakfast."
"Go on."
"What's the matter? You OK?"
"Oh, hell."
"Where's Red?"
"Hold on. Wait a minute. We stayed? We're not traveling through time anymore? You saying it's over?"
"OK. Swell. Until Dan checks back in, I say we head back to the beach. When Locke gets back with everybody, that's where they'll be looking for us."
"Hey, zip it. I'm heading back to the beach. If our stuff's there, great. If not, we build new stuff. You don't like the plan, good luck".
"Thanks for getting my back for that whole beach issue."
"Well, what does that say about you agreeing with me?"
"Well, I'm open to suggestions."
"Yeah, thanks anyway, Plato. I'm going over there. You still got my back?"
"Alright, drop the gun!"
"It's alright. It's OK. You're safe. It's over."
"The guys with the bags, Others?"
"What, y'all don't know each other?"
"I'm on it. Listen, sweetheart, we gotta get moving now."
"Our ship wrecked here on the way to Tahiti, but that ain't important right now, because whoever's on the other end of this, those two might've given 'em a call before we saved you."
"Bury them? We ain't got time to bury nobody."
"Alright, we'll put these guys in the ground and carry your friend back, but we better do it fast."
"Alright, listen up. When we get there, there's gonna be a lot of questions. So just keep your mouth shut. Let me do the talking."
"I'm a professional. I used to lie for a living."
"Listen, sister, we're the ones who just saved your life and hid those bodies. So how about you trust us and turn that damn thing off?"
"Sonic fence? Didn't I say let me do the talking?"
"His brain's already fried."
"You first."
"Alright, let's go."
"And going forward, we should all do a better job of trusting…"
"He's unavailable."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"Well, don't tell me about it. Just do it."
"Can you deliver this baby or not?"
"Hey, man. Where is she?"
"Amy's having her baby."
"Did you hear me? She's in trouble. Doc says she needs a caesarean."
"Screw our agreement. He ain't never done one. I'm guessing you have."
"Well, maybe whatever made that happen hasn't happened yet. You gotta try. You gotta help her. You're the only one that can."
"I'm speaking for Horace now, and I say she's delivering this baby."
"You heard the lady. Listen... you're gonna do great. I know you are."
"Amy went into labor."
"I don't know. There's a problem. Juliet's in there."
"Yeah, I pulled her out of retirement. Any luck?"
"Well, 1-3-4 then."
"As long as it takes."
"What happened?"
"He's okay? She's okay?"
"Mm Ohhh."
"It hurts."
"Where are my people?"
"Well, you all got a funny way of showing your appreciation."
"My name's James LaFleur. You can call me Jim."
"If my friends are safe, why are you asking me all the questions?"
"We got caught in a storm. Our ship wrecked. Must've hit the reef. Thankfully, we washed up on shore."
"A salvage vessel. Searching for a famous lost wreck. It's an old slaver out of Portsmouth, England, called the Black Rock. You heard of her?"
"Some of our crew were missing. We were looking for 'em. That's when we came upon your girl instead."
"Send 'em where?"
"Hold on a minute, chief. We just saved that woman's life. Doesn't that earn us a week or two to find the rest of our people?"
"Well, he believed my story. But we're getting punted. The bastard's putting us on their sub tomorrow and shipping us off to Tahiti."
"Uh oh."
"Hold your horses, Banzai. No one's getting on a sub."
"Well, that depends on how hard he looks."
"Let me talk to him."
"Your buddy out there with the eyeliner, let me talk to him."
"I understand I'm the one that killed his men, and I'm the one that's gonna go out there and tell him why I did it."
"Well, it's a good thing I ain't asking your permission."
"Not yet. But I'll figure something out."
"Hello, Richard."
"I'm the guy that killed your men. Heard some gunshots, saw two men throwing a bag over a woman's head. Gave 'em a chance to throw the weapons down and walk away, but one of them took a shot at me, and I defended myself."
"That's so."
"They ain't my people, Hoss. So if you got some kind of a truce with them, it ain't been broken."
"Did you bury the bomb?"
"The hydrogen bomb with "Jughead" written on the side. Did you bury it?"
"Yeah, I know about it. I also know that 20 years ago, some bald fella limped into your camp and fed you some mumbo jumbo about being your leader. And then poof, he went and disappeared right in front of you. Any of this ringing a bell? That man's name is John Locke, and I'm waiting for him to come back. So, you still think I'm a member of the damn DHARMA Initiative?"
"I'm sorry."
"You need some help?"
"Thanks."
"I bought us two weeks. Horace said we can wait for the next sub. Any luck, Locke'll be back by then."
"What do you mean then what?"
"You do realize it's 1974, that whatever it is you think you're going back to, it don't exist yet."
"Well, what about me? You really gonna leave me here with the mad scientist and Mr. I Speak to Dead People? And Jin, who's a hell of a nice guy but not exactly the greatest conversationalist."
"Maybe, but who's gonna get my back?"
"Come on. Just give me two weeks, that's all I'm asking. Two weeks."
"Mmm, something smells good."
"You were amazing today."
"Mmm. I love you, too. Mmm."
"Wake up, boss."
"How's your head?"
"I got good news and bad news. Which you want first?
"You're a daddy. Bad news is you missed it."
"It's a boy."
"Now how about you tell me why you're too busy drinking and blowing up trees to see him get born?"
"You got in a fight over a necklace?"
"I had a thing for a girl once. And I had a shot at her, but I didn't take it. For a little while, I'd lay in bed every night, wondering if it was a mistake. Wondering if... I'd ever stop thinking about her. And now I can barely even remember what she looks like. I mean, her face, it's... she's just gone. And she ain't never coming back. So, is three years long enough to get over someone? Absolutely."
"Oh. What? Wait. What? No. No. Don't bring 'em in. Just meet me in the North Valley."
"It was Jin."
"Yeah. I just... I gotta go."

Episode 9
"Easy on the ribs there, Kong."
"Missed you, too, Hugo."
"Doc."
"Good to see you, Kate."
"You're really here. Son of a bitch actually did it! Locke said he was gonna bring you back, but where is he?"
"Dead? How?"
"You didn't tell 'em?"
"We're in the DHARMA Initiative."
"No. We came back. And so did you. It's 1977."
"That's right. How long's it been for you since the chopper?"
"What we do is we bring 'em in."
"Back to the Barracks at DHARMAville. You can't be wandering around in the jungle with the Hostiles."
"The Others."
"What do you mean, everyone else?"
"Jin! Hold up! Where you going?"
"Hold on! We gotta think about this!"
"Alright. That's it. Listen, you guys gotta stay put. Don't go nowhere, don't do nothing till I can figure out how the hell to explain where you came from."
"You seen my baggy sweatshirt, the one with the bulldog on it?"
"They're back."
"Jack, Hurley, Kate."
"I know. They came back, Juliet."
"They're out at the North Point, waiting for me to tell 'em what to do."
"I'm not sure. They said they were on a plane. I don't understand it any more than you do. But they're here, and I gotta find a way to bring 'em in before somebody else finds 'em and they screw up everything we got here."
"Alright, listen. Y'all are gonna be the second batch of recruits coming in off the sub pulling into port right about now, so we ain't got much time. Nice suit, doc. Not exactly Island wear. Try this."
"Everyone gets knocked out before the trip, so no one meets each other until we process 'em."
"If there was a plane, Jin will find it. So we got about ten minutes to make intake, or y'all are gonna be camping in the jungle for a long time. There ain't another batch of recruits due in for six months."
"Trust me. Do what I say. Everything will be fine. Let's move."
"Yup."
"Yup.
"What about it?"
"I ain't here to play Nostradamus to these people. Besides, Faraday's got some interesting theories on what we can and can't do here."
"Not anymore."
"Put these on and listen up. Juliet's got it worked out so your name's gonna be on the list, alright? So when you get in there, just watch the little meet and greet video, wait for 'em to call your name. When they do, just smile, step up, take your jumpsuits and work assignments."
"Yeah, don't worry. I got it covered. Just remember to act a little doped up, 'cause you just woke up from the sub."
"It's not a damn game show, Hugo. Besides, I'm gonna be in there to get your backs, alright? Let's move."
"They're our new inductees. I'll explain everything later. Stop staring and tell me what your damn problem is."
"What? Jin, you there?"
"What? What do you mean you found a hostile? Where?"
"What's he doing in our territory? It's a violation of the truce."
"What? Son of a bitch! Was anyone else with him?"
"What the hell happened?"
"What? Did he say anything about the plane they were on?"
"I got this. Where is he?"
"Give me the key."
"Your point is?"
"What the hell are you talking about, Radzinsky?"
"Well, I appreciate your input there, quick draw. But I wanna talk to him first. Give me the damn keys."
"My name's LaFleur. I'm head of security. I want you to listen real carefully to what I got to say. And if you do that, you'll be fine. Understand?"
"Alright, let's start simple. Identify yourself as a Hostile."
"The terms of the truce say you gotta identify yourself as a Hostile, or we got the right to shoot you."
"Alright. Good. Now we can proceed like a couple of gentlemen. Let's go. Just taking him back to the barracks."
"Fine. Talk away."
"You there, Phil? We're coming in with a 14-J."
"Alright, you can hang out here until we can figure out what the hell to do with you."
"Bring the man some damn food. We're not savages."
"Evening, Doc."
"Take a load off. You want a beer?"
"What can I do for you, Jack?"
"I had no choice. He was running around in the jungle, got caught by my people. And seeing as how he can't tell the truth about how he got here, I had to improvise."
"Uh huh. And for now, Sayid is safe, which is all that matters."
"I'm working on it."
"I heard once Winston Churchill read a book every night, even during the Blitz. He said it made him think better. It's how I like to run things. I think. I'm sure that doesn't mean that much to you, 'cause back when you were calling the shots, you pretty much just reacted. See, you didn't think, Jack, and as I recall, a lot of people ended up dead."
"But here you are right back where you started. So I'm gonna go back to reading my book, and I'm gonna think, 'cause that's how I saved your ass today. And that's how I'm gonna save Sayid's tomorrow. All you gotta do is go home, get a good night's rest. Let me do what I do. Now ain't that a relief?"

Subscribe by RSS, or follow on Twitter, or subscribe by email or on Facebook

Episode 10
"I think your bacon's ready."
"What's on the TV? Ah."
"What's over?"
"So they're back. Nothing's changed."
"Sayid ain't saying nothing. Hey. I got this under control."
"Morning, H."
"What's up?"
"Why, what'd he say?"
"That psychopath? No way."
"Just let me have a go at him alone."
"Take your lunch Phil."
"Take your lunch, Phil. How you doing?"
"Sweet kid, huh?"
"'Cause I ain't got a choice."
"Let's see how you feel after three years of living in the seventies. Lucky for you, I spent that time getting myself into a position to save your ass. I'm sorry, Sayid."
"When I tell them I got your confession I need them to believe that you didn't give it up easy."
"We're gonna say you were trying to defect. You're gonna offer some intel on the others in exchange for living with us."
"What the hell else am I supposed to do with you?"
"And then what? I can’t just let you go!"
"'Cause these people trust me! I've built a life here, and a pretty good one. I let you go, all that goes away. So you got yourself a choice, Chief. Either you cooperate and join the party in Dharmaville, or you're on your own."
"Alright, last chance. You got anything to say? Take him to Oldham."
"He's our you."
"Hold on a second. We're not killing anyone, right?"
"Since when did we start acting like them? We're civilized."
"You sure about that, Stu? He was trying to escape from the hostiles. He obviously has problems with his people."
"I can talk to him, Horace. I just need more time."
"Why are we on your clock, Radzinsky?"
"Hit me in the face."
"Go on. You owe me one anyway, so make it a good one."
"Then I want you to take these keys out of my pocket and let yourself out. The guard outside is Phil. He's a dimwit, so I reckon you can get his gun before he even realizes you're out. Just promise me you won't shoot him."
"They're gonna kill you. They just took a vote. Even the new mom wants you dead."
"This morning, you were begging me to let you go. Why would you change your…"
"To get shot? Then what? You're out of your mind."
"Hey."
"Why'd you come back?"
"Sayid just filled my ear full of some crap about his damn purpose, and I wanna know why'd y'all come back? Why, Kate?"
"What? What the hell?"
"Craig! Grab a wrench, open those valves. Get the hoses going."
"Erin, grab the fire gear. Bill, go help Craig."
"Three years, no burning buses. Y'all are back for one day... Get on that hose. Man this hose!"
"All security. All security. This is LaFleur. We have a fire. Everyone get to building 15 now!

Episode 11
"What the hell are you doing here?
"Here's what you need to do, Kate, keep your mouth shut and stop asking questions. 'Cause putting any attention on yourself is the last thing I need right now. Now scram. I don't want you around here."
"This is, uh..."
"Kate. She's new over at the motor pool. I was seeing if she saw anything suspicious, but she didn't, so...you can run along, thanks."
"I was a little busy trying to keep the town from burning down, Horace."
"These are janitor's keys."
"Yeah. I just brought him in from the sub. I'll go talk to him. Miles, you wanna come with me?"
"Alright, I want you to find Jack and Hurley and Kate as quick as you can. Put 'em in a house and sit on 'em."
"'Cause I don't want 'em talking to anybody else. Things are starting to spin out of control here."
"Alright, go."
"Not yet, but we're working on it. How's he doing?"
"Let me see if I can get an update for ya."
"Roger?"
"You happen to have your keys with you?"
"It's alright. Don't you worry about it."
"Where's the doctor?"
"How is he doing?"
"It's alright."
"Doc, I need you to come with me."
"Juliet said the kid's losing blood, and we ain't gone none to put back in him. So we need you to show us where he sprung a leak."
"What?"
"If you don't come with me, Jack, that kid's gonna die."
"Damn it, Freckles. I ain't here to stop you. I'm here to help you."
"Figure out how you were gonna carry him out there by yourself?"
"Well, they ain't right on the other side. We better get moving'."
"When I found out Ben was gone, and Juliet told me what you were up to, I asked that exact damn question. Why are you helping Ben? And she said, no matter what he's gonna grow up to be, it's wrong to let a kid die. So…that's why I'm doing this. I'm doing it for her."
"Sure you can."
"Kid'll do almost anything if he's pissed off enough at his folks."
"Did you?"
"What's she like?"
"Yeah, Clementine."
"I bet you and Cassidy had a lot to talk about."
"Yeah, what's that?"
"You and me would've never worked out, Kate. I wasn't any more fit to be your boyfriend than I am to be that little girl's father."
"Yeah. I've done a lot of growing up the past three years."
"We know. This kid's been shot. That's both of our problems. So unless you want to go to war, you're gonna take us to Richard Alpert, and you're gonna do it now."
"Don't worry. We got 'em right where we want 'em."
"What's it look like I'm doing?"
"Where the hell did you come from?"
"You two know each other?"
"She's with me."
"Come on."

Episode 12

Episode 13
"Miles, you there? Pick up."
"I'll fill you in later. Right now I need you to take care of something."
"The security tapes from the pylon camera feeds. They need to accidentally get erased."
"I ain't got time for questions, Miles. Just do it."
"Look on your monitors. You see us?"
"Just erase number 4. And if anyone asks, I'm off the grid. I'm looking for the escaped Hostile."
"Damn it, Miles! You gonna help me or not?"
"Alright. I owe you one."
"Alright, I want you to go back and find Juliet, see if anyone's noticed yet if little Ben's gone missing."
"Do my best to cover it up. In case you haven't noticed, I'm head of security."
"Alright, I'll see you back there."
"Barely. You ever had one of those days you feel like the little Dutch boy with your finger in the… Doc. Hey. What's going on?"
"Why the hell would he think that?"
"Yeah, well, where was her head?"
"Yeah, well, thanks for filling me in, Doc."
"Hey."
"Phil, I've been running around the jungle all day, so whatever developments you got can wait a while."
"Yeah? Who's that?"
"Got a perfectly good explanation for what you saw on that tape."
"You talk to Horace yet?"
"Get some rope."

Episode 14
"Yeah?"
"What do you mean Faraday's back? Why?"
"I'd love to trade theories about this, but I'm a little busy right now."
"Get in here. Phil, one of my security guys, got himself a videotape of me and Kate taking the kid out to the Hostiles."
"With Phil."
"Phil, Jack. Jack, Phil."
"Alright, people, party's over. I know y'all just showed up. The rest of us have been here for the past three years. This is our home. The last thing I wanna do is leave, but we ain't got no choice."
"I punched the man in the damn face, Hugo. What am I supposed to say, "My fist slipped"?"
"Not enough."
"We only got two options. We can either commandeer the sub, get the hell off this Island before anyone knows we're gone, or we can head back in the jungle, start from square one."
"Right. That's two votes for square one. Anybody else wanna…"
"Hold your horses. Be right there."
"Welcome to the meeting, Twitchy. Good to see you again. Pound cake's in the kitchen. Help yourself to the punch. Is he still crazy?"
"Great."
"Your mother is an Other?"
"I thought you said we were supposed to lay low. Whatever happened, happened?"
"I'm not telling you anything, and you ain't going anywhere unless you wanna share with us what the hell it is you're doing."
"Well, I belonged here just fine till you came back, Doc."
"Whoa, hold on a second. Don't say a word, Kate."
"Whatever her reason is, helping H.G. Wells here talk to his mommy ain't got nothing to do with it. Come with us, Freckles."
"When you realize you've made a huge mistake, we'll be back at the beach, right where we started."
"Alright, the rest of us, pack anything you can carry, meet back here in 20 minutes. Time to go."
"You called it the minute those Yahoos got here. I shoulda listened to you. You can say, I told you so."
"Hey, you still got my back?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it easy, Stu. What the hell's going on?"
"That's ridiculous. Now just calm down for a minute. We can talk about this.
"It sounded like it was from outside."

Episode 15
"Call my lawyer."
"Nope."
"Juliet, don't. Whatever you tell 'em, they ain't gonna believe you. It's only gonna get more people hurt."
"Son of a bitch!"
"You're a dead man, Phil. I'm gonna kill you."
"Put us on the sub. He's right. It ain't safe. Put the women and children on the sub and get 'em the hell out of here. And if you put me and Juliet on the sub with 'em, we'll tell you anything you wanna know. You okay with that, sweetheart?"
"We'll buy Microsoft."
"Then we'll bet the Cowboys in the '78 Super Bowl. We're gonna be rich. Look, I'm sorry. I should've listened to you when you wanted to get on this sub three years ago."
"Ladies first."
"Good riddance."
"Wouldn't think of it, Nemo."
"We ain't going to Ann Arbor."
"These guys ain't cops. They got no authority over us back in the real world. So once we dock, wherever we dock, we're free."
"Hey, come here. Whatever happens, I got your back, remember?"
"I love you back."
"Hey."

Episode 16
"Outta here? We're underwater. What the hell are you doing here? How'd you get caught?"
"Came back to get me for what?"
"Why the hell would he do that?"
"Sorry, I'm gonna pass."
"Yeah, I heard you. You just don't get it, Kate. We were happy in Dharmaville 'til y'all showed up. But now that's all over. So we're gonna drink our OJ and take our chances in the real world. Jack wants to blow up the Island, good for Jack."
"Let me get this straight. Jack sets off the nuke, which somehow resets everything. So flight 815 never crashes, it just lands in LA safe and sound, and none of this ever happened."
"Yeah, I heard that part."
"You ain't hearing me, Kate. I made a choice, and I'm sticking to it. I decided to leave, and I'm leaving."
"What the hell did you just do?"
"Are you serious?"
"Unlock the damn cuffs."
"Appreciate that, captain. Now we need you to surface the sub."
"Oh, I think you can."
"You ain't home."
"From the looks of the sun, I'd say that's the north shore over there."
"Really? What, you got a compass?"
"I got no idea where the hell we are."
"Vincent. Come here. Hey, hey. How you doing, boy? Haven't seen you since the flaming arrows three years ago."
"So y'all been scavenging food and living out in a hut by yourselves".
"Well, I hate to rain on your parade, but your condo's about to go kablooie."
"Bernard."
"Rose."

Episode17
"Doc, we gotta talk."
"I ain't getting in the van. I need five minutes, that's all. I'll say what I gotta say, and then you can do whatever the hell you want to. But you're gonna listen. You owe me that much, Jack."
"Take a load off, Doc."
"Sit down, Jack."
"Folks died when I was 8 years old. I ever tell you that?"
"Con man took my dad for everything he had. He didn't deal with it very well, so… He shot my mom, then he blew his own head off. I was hiding under the bed when it happened. I heard the whole thing."
"Yeah. That was a year ago."
"Right now it's July 1977, which means that happened last year. So I could've hopped on the sub, gone back to the States, walked right in my house and stopped my daddy from killing anybody."
"Because, Jack, what's done is done."
"What did you screw up so bad the first time around you're willing to blow up a damn nuke just for a second chance?"
"Then what is it about?"
"I don't speak destiny. What I do understand is a man does what he does 'cause he wants something for himself. What do you want, Jack?"
"Kate? Well, damn, Doc, she's standing right on the other side of those trees. You want her back, just go and ask her."
"Jack, if what you're doing even works, you and Kate will be strangers, and she'll be in damn handcuffs."
"Well, I guess there's nothing I can say that's gonna change your mind.
"Who the hell do you think you are?"
"You think you can come here and do whatever the hell you want? I had a life here!"
"Will you stop?"
"Will you stop?"
"He wouldn't listen. I had to. He won't stop!"
"What?"
"What are you talking about? You're the one that told me to come back here and stop him! What happened?"
"Stop! We gotta talk about this!"
"Well, maybe you shoulda told me you had a change of heart before I brought him out in the jungle to kick his ass."
"No."
"Hey, hey."
"I need you to tell me where all this is coming from. I mean, one minute, you're leading the great sub escape, and now you're on board with blowing up the damn Island? I got a right to know why you changed your mind."
"I don't care who I looked at. I'm with you."
"You don't…"
"Why you doing this, Juliet?"
"There ain't no more LaFleur, Enos. Go ahead, shoot."
"What do you think, Blondie?"
"Drop it, Phil, or you're a dead man."
"Tell 'em to put their guns down."
"Alright, you can come out now, Doc. Hurry up and do your business. Turn that damn thing off!"
"Why not?"
"Hurry up, Doc. What are you waiting for? Drop it."
"This don't look like LAX."
"Juliet! No. No!"
"Where do you think you're going, Blondie?"
"Kate! Help me get those chains off!"
"Hold on! You hold on!"
"I got you."
"You hold on!"
"Please, I got you."
"Don't you leave me."
"Don't you leave me!"
"You hold on!"
"No, you don't let go!"
"No."
"No, no, don't let go!"
"Juliet! No!"
"Juliet!"
"Juliet, no."
"No!"

Subscribe by RSS, or follow on Twitter, or subscribe by email or on Facebook

Related:
Everything Hurley Said,
Everything Locke Said
Everything Don Draper Said
Everything Tracy Jordan Said.
815 Sentences About Lost

###

Possibly related posts:

Everything Hurley Said Season 5

aaron cohen — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 19:17:18 +0000

Subscribe by RSS, or follow on Twitter, or subscribe by email or on Facebook

Here's Everything Hurley Said from Season 5 of Lost. Originally, Hurley's character seemed to be only for comic relief, but by Season 5, he's definitely become a solid member of the cast, and a big part of the story. There were 3 episodes he wasn't in at all, and I left those in so you could follow along if you wanted. If you like this, you might like Everything Sawyer Said, Everything Locke Said, Everything Don Draper Said or Everything Tracy Jordan Said. As always, these are submitted without context, so it might not be your thing, but if you want to get a good idea of Hurley's character, I'd start here.

Lost fans, you should subscribe to 815 Sentences About Lost, a project of mine which is launching next week.

Episode 1
"Here she comes, right now."
"Awesome. You want a fry?"
"You know maybe if you ate more comfort food, you wouldn't have to go around shooting people."
"So that you popped outside Santa Rosa, who was he?"
"You think he was going to kill me?"
"You mean Locke?"
"I need a cool code name."
"So when did you become so paranoid?"
"Oh, yeah? Paranoid like what? What kind of things?"
"Wait, he's on our side now?"
"Sayid! Woah. You OK? Dude, dude. Oh, man. I thought this was supposed to be a safe house. We never should have left that island."

Episode 2.
"Dude, they'll find out."
"I don't think we should lie, dude."
"How's lying protect them?"
"Look, he's your dad, right? Can't you just, like, call him off?"
"But, he'll never find them. I mean, the island disappeared. We all saw it. It's gone. Bloop."
"Not if someone backs me up. Sayid, come on. They'll think I'm nuts if I tell the truth, but what if we all do? And if we can stick together, we can make them believe us. I don't want to spend the rest of my life lying, do you?"
"You know what, dude? I'm gonna remember this. And someday you're gonna need my help and I'm telling you right now. You're not getting it."
"Wake up, Sayid. Sayid. Sayid, Wake up! Sayid!"
"No, no, no, no, what do I do? What am I supposed to do?"
"OK, OK, OK, just stay calm."
"Analucia?"
"I just, I thought…"
"Actually it's ketchup. We went to a drive through, and uh…"
"I do?"
"Yeah."
"Thanks, Analucia."
"Well, you heard her."
"Dude, wake up. Come on, I can't do this on my own."
"I promise to pay you back."
"Wait right here."
"I like Shitzhus."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"No."
"I just have one of those faces."
"I don't believe in lying."
"No. Must look like him."
"Sorry, wrong dude, keep the change."
"OK. OK, we're out of here."
"Hey, dad. How's it going?"
"Have you seen the news?"
"Uh, yeah, kinda. Is mom here?"
"Is he breathing?"
"He got shot by a dart."
"No, we were at the safe house."
"Sayid took me there, to protect me, and then these 2 guys jumped down and they shot him with darts and now he's in a coma or something."
"Sayid pulled me out. I'm in danger, we both are."
"I'm not sure exactly."
"Dad, please, just don't tell them I'm here."
"No. Sayid did."
"He saved me."
"No, no, no. We can't go public, they're after us."
"I don't know. Sayid knows, he can explain."
"Did you not hear me? People are trying to kill us. You go to a hospital, they'll find us. It's like, like the Godfather. It's the last place you go, everyone knows it. They smother you with pillows and make it look like an accident. Sayid, please wake up!"
"I think I know what to do."
"Dude, the cops are on a stakeout?"
"Do you think I am?"
"I'm not crazy. And I have a really good reason why I'm lying to you."
"He's not dead, ma."
"He's not?!"
"He is breathing, kind of. Dad, we gotta go now."
"Mom, please."
"Yeah, mom, I know. Look, everything's gonna make sense, I promise."
"He is my friend. But he's also got this crazy double life where he does ninja moves and spy stuff. But he's a good guy."
"Mom."
"I don't know."
"We lied, ma."
"All of us. The Oceanic 6, we lied about what happened after the crash."
"OK. You see, we did crash, but it was on this crazy island. And we waited for rescue, but there wasn't any rescue. And then there was a smoke monster. And then there were other people on the island. We called them, the others. And they started attacking us. And we found some hatches and there was a button you had to push every 108 minutes or, well, I was never really clear on that. But, the others didn't have anything to do with the hatches, that was the Dharma Initiative. They were all dead, the others killed them. And now they were trying to kill us. Then we teamed up with the others because some worse people were coming on a freighter. Desmond's girlfriend's father sent them to kill us. So we stole their helicopter and we flew it to their freighter, but it blew up. And we couldn't go back to the island, because it disappeared. So then we crashed into the ocean, and we floated there for a while 'til a boat came and picked us up. And by then, there were 6 of us. That part was true. But the rest, but the rest of the people who were on the plane, they're still on that island."
"A lot of people died, ma. And now this bad stuff is happening because, well… We shouldn't have lied."
"Ow."
"Ahh."
"Get away from me. Get away."
"No way, dude. Sayid warned me about you."
"No. You're playing one of your mind games. They'd never trust you."
"And what's that."
"Never, dude."
"Hey, hey, you got me. That's right, you got me. That's right, I'm the killer."
"I'm the killer. I'm a murderer, I killed four people. Three people. However many are dead, I killed them. I killed them all. Just, just get me away from here."
"Just get me out of here."

Episode 3

Episode 4
"Jack? It's me."
"Hey, did Sayid get to you? Did my dad drop him off?"
"Is he okay?"
"Awesome."
"Dude, I'm totally cool. I'm in L.A. County lockup. Oh, and tell Sayid I did exactly what he said. I'm totally safe. Ben's never gonna get me now. Thanks, dude."

Episode 5

Subscribe by RSS, or follow on Twitter, or subscribe by email or on Facebook

Episode 6
"Help. Anyone. Help. Help, Jack! Help! Anyone! Help! Help! Help! Help!"
"Aah. Oh, God. Oh, God."
"Oh, my God."
"What?"
"Oh. Oh, my God. It really happened."
"What do you mean standby? There's no standbys."
"No. I bought those seats, all 78 of 'em. I'm Hugo Reyes. They're not open. They're mine. Check and see."
"You know, it doesn't matter why. They can take the next plane."
"All that matters is that I'm here, right?"
"Okay, then. Let's do this. After you."
"Wait! What's he doing here?"
"No, no. He can't come."
"No one told me he was gonna be here."
"Yes, Jack. I'll be fine."
"Dude, you might wanna fasten your seat belt."
"Crashing? No. One second, I'm being tossed around. The next thing I know, I'm in the lagoon."
"Jin?"

Episode 7
"So you didn't make it, huh?"
"You didn't make it. It's cool. No biggie. You're not the first person to visit me, you know. But what's up with the wheelchair?"
"Oh. Is that how you died?"
"Sure you're not."
"Hey, Susie, am I talking to a dude in a wheelchair right now?"
"Whoa, dude. What are you doing here?"
"Wait. What?"
"You mean Jack and Kate…"
"I'm sorry, dude. I don't think that's gonna happen. Jack's a doctor now, and, and Sun's, like, got her baby, and Kate's got Aaron. Dude, be cool. Don't look, but we're being watched. Dude!"
"What?"
"That dude is far from okay. When I first got locked up in here, he showed up, claiming that he worked for Oceanic Air. He's evil! You should not be trusting that guy."
"No, no, no! I'm not listening to you!"
"La, la, la, la, la. I wanna go back in. I wanna go back in."

Episode 8
"Dude... you might wanna fasten your seat belt."
"You're alive. Dude! I can't believe it! Oh! Oh!"
"Kong. I actually missed that."
"So what's up with you guys and the old DHARMA jumpsuits?"
"Uh, what?"
"Dude, your English is awesome."
"What about everyone else from the plane? They could still be out there."
"Sawyer's back!"
"I vote for not camping."
"Okay, so it's 1977."
"And you guys are all members of the DHARMA Initiative."
"Well, you do realize those dudes get wiped out, right? I saw where all the bodies got dumped."
"Well, aren't you gonna warn 'em? Aren't you gonna stop it from happening?"
"What if they start asking us questions we can't answer, like, uh, who's president in 1977?"
"Nama…what?"
"I guess we found Sayid."

Episode 10
"Fresh off the griddle. And don't forget to try the dipping sauces. They really bring out the ham."
"So, what's going on with Sayid?"
"And you're going to?"
"Well, if Sawyer didn't tell you anything, why would Juliet?"
"'Cause they're together."
"Together as... They live together. Like, not as roommates. You know, together like you guys were. I thought it was kind of obvious. I mean, who couldn't see that coming?"
"Well, I guess I better, go make some more waffles."

Episode 11
"Uh, is he talking about Sayid?"
"Checking to see if I'm disappearing".
""Back to the Future," man. We came back in time to the island and changed stuff. So if little Ben dies, he'll never grow up to be big Ben, who's the one who made us come back here in the first place. Which means we can't be here. And therefore, dude? We don't exist."
"Am I?"
"This is really confusing."
"Let me get this straight. All this already happened."
"So this conversation we're having right now, we already had it."
"Then what am I gonna say next?"
"Ha'! Then your theory is wrong."
"OK, answer me this. If all this already happened to me, then, why don't I remember any of it?"
"Say that again."
"Aha! I can't shoot you. Because if you die in 1977, then you'll never come back to the island on the freighter 30 years from now."
"But you said Ben couldn't die because he still has to grow up and become the leader of the Others."
"But when we first captured Ben, and Sayid, like, tortured him, then why wouldn't he remember getting shot by that same guy when he was a kid?"
"Huh."
"Is he in trouble?"

Subscribe by RSS, or follow on Twitter, or subscribe by email or on Facebook

Episode 12

Episode 13
"Nah, dude, I just signed it out."
"Well, where you going?"
"Me too. I made lunch for the crew. Sandwiches. Want one? Ham and cheese, and I made my secret garlic mayo."
"Why? We're going to the same place. Why don't we carpool? It'll help with global warming, which hasn't happened yet, so maybe we can prevent it. Wait a sec. Are you on some kind of secret mission?"
"How do you spell bounty hunter?"
"It's personal."
"Dude, Did you just, you know?"
"You know. It stinks. Did you?"
"Well, it wasn't me."
"Nah, man, there's something foul in here. It's coming from back there."
"Unh uh. That's not possible."
"Okay, maybe it is possible. Pull over. I gotta check."
"I gotta check. If those sandwiches are bad, people could get sick."
"Will you pull over?"
"Dude, there's a body bag back here. With a body in it."
"Yeah, well, who is he? What happened?"
"Dude, what happened to him?"
"How does a filling get blown through someone's head?"
"How do you know all this?"
"Yeah, but how do you know what he was thinking?"
"You can talk to dead people."
"Don't worry, dude. Your secret's safe with me. You wanna know why?"
"'Cause I can talk to 'em, too."
"I don't know why you just won't admit it. You can trust me. I talk to lots of dead people."
"Sure, all the time. Sometimes we even play chess."
"Of course. Why wouldn't I?"
"Aha! You wouldn't know how it works unless you can do it."
"That's how it works for me."
"You're just jealous my powers are better than yours."
"Don't worry. I won't tell anyone about the body."
"Dude. I can keep a secret."
"I like the kitchen."
"Gross."
"Dude, that guy's a total douche."
"So anyway."
"Are you kidding me? How weird is it that your dad is that dude from all those movies? Only back then, he was called Marvin Candle. Was that, like, a stage name?"
"Well, if you didn't want to talk about it, why'd you tell me? How long have you known he was your dad?"
"But all those DHARMA dudes end up dead. Don't you wanna save him?"
"Polar bear poop. Got it."
"So I'm new here, Dr. Chang. What is it exactly you do at the Orchid?"
"Oh, really? You can't tell anyone? Not even your wife?"
"What about your kids?"
"3 months? Wow! Congrats. What's his name?"
"Small world, that's your name, too. Right, Miles?"
"So are you a fan of jazz, Dr. Chang? Like Miles Davis?"
"So you two have been here for three years now. Must be pretty tight, huh?"
"Great. We should all get together for a beer sometime. How awesome would that be?"
"Dude, what is this place? And what's up with all the secrecy?"
"42."
"'Cause they're building our hatch."
"The one that crashed our plane."
"That hatch they're building? There's gonna be an accident, then they're gonna have to build a computer with a button you have to push so the world doesn't end."
"So your dad is he around you know, when we came from? The future?"
"Well, then this is kind of awesome for you, huh?"
"Because you get to hang out with him, you know, get to know him better and stuff."
"And don't bother thanking me, but he was totally down for that beer, dude. You know, and maybe he'll let you hold baby you, or you can change your own diaper or…"
"Whoa!"
"Why not? Did he beat you up when you were little or something?"
"'Cause you're in pain and you need to let it out."
"But he's not gone. We just dropped him off."
"Give that back to me."
"It's not a diary! It's personal!"
"Give that, give that back to me."
"Give it back!"
"It's furry. Furry fist. I need a spell-check."
"I'm writing Empire Strikes Back."
"It's 1977, right? So Stars Wars just came out. And pretty soon, George Lucas is gonna be looking for a sequel. I've seen Empire, like, 200 times, so I figured I'd make life easier and send him the script.. With a couple improvements."
"Oh, yeah? Well, at least I'm not scared to talk to my own dad."
"Sorry I said you were afraid to talk to your dad, dude."
"I used to hate my dad, too."
"He left when I was 10. But the best thing I ever did was give him a second chance. We got to be the best of friends, and although I may never see him again, I miss him. And I know he feels the same."
"That was Luke's attitude, too."
"In Empire, Luke found out Vader was his father, but instead of putting away his lightsaber and talking about it, he overreacted and got his hand cut off. I mean, they worked it out eventually, but at what cost? Another Death Star was destroyed, Boba Fett got eaten by the Sarlacc, and we got the Ewoks. It all could've been avoided if they'd just, you know, communicated. And let's face it, the Ewoks sucked, dude."

Episode 14
"Well, that dude in the closet, I thought he worked for you. Can't you convince him that it was all, like, a misunderstanding?"
"Yeah, me neither. After all we did to get back here? And now we're just gonna run off again? It'd be kinda wishy-washy."
"You guys were in 1954? Like, Fonzie times?"
"That's not good, right?"

Episode 15
"So what's the rescue plan?"
"But they got Sawyer and Juliet."
"We gotta do something. I mean, Sawyer would never leave us behind."
"But we asked you first."
"Dude, that's ridiculous."
"Uh, 1931?"
"Yeah. Yes, I am."
"There's… no such thing."
"Alright, dude, we're from the future. Sorry."
"Why is he yelling at her, dude?"
"Sorry, man."
"Don't worry. It's gonna be okay. Sawyer always has a plan, right?"

Episode 16
"What's going on back there? Is Sayid okay?"
"Should I pull over?"
"I don't know where we're going."
"Why do you want to go there? If Sayid's shot, shouldn't we…"
"The Swan it is."
"Uh, we're about five minutes away."
"That's why."

Episode17
"You don't understand, this is a big mistake. I killed a bunch of people."
"Look, dude, there are men with tranquilizer guns hunting me down like an animal. They wanna bring me somewhere against my will."
"Oh. Sorry. I didn't see it was taken, dude."
"Cool. You sure?"
"You want some? It's cherry."
"So what were you in for?"
"Jail. I was there 'cause I killed three people. But I didn't really. I guess they figured it out. What about you?"
"Well, then what were you doing sitting outside a prison? In a cab?"
"Oh. Then you must be dead."
"Well, what do you want from me?"
"'Cause I'm cursed."
"Uh huh. That's why the plane crashed, my friends died, Libby, Charlie. Now they visit me, and I can't make it stop."
"How do you mean blessed?"
"Sure it's wonderful, except for the part where I'm crazy."
"Who are you, dude?"
"Wait! You forgot your guitar."
"Don't worry, dude. Everything'll be fine when Jack changes the future, or the past. One of those."
"Dude, what happened to your face?"

Subscribe by RSS, or follow on Twitter, or subscribe by email or on Facebook

Related:
Everything Sawyer Said,
Everything Locke Said
Everything Don Draper Said
Everything Tracy Jordan Said.
815 Sentences About Lost

###

Possibly related posts:

2009 Year in Review

aaron cohen — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 14:12:22 +0000

Last year, I enjoyed putting together a post documenting my favorite posts of the year and thought I'd do so again. For you newer readers, this can function as an Unlikely Words primer. This year's post took a lot longer as I had to go through about 550 posts compared to around 150 last year. What were your favorite posts of the year on Unlikely Words. Let me know in the comments.

2009 was a big year for Unlikely Words. I set a goal at the beginning of the year of increasing daily traffic 5.5 times from where it was during 2008. The year was rounding out well and we were on track to miss the goal by about *this much*. However, thanks to the amazing viral success of the Jersey Shore Nickname Generator daily traffic is set to increase 20 times from where it was in 2008. From a visual perspective, we finally pulled the trigger on a long talked about site redesign. Emdash did a little customization of Derek Punsalan's Grid Focus theme and incorporated 3 logos designed by Unlikely Words favorite, Chris Piascik.

In 2009, I continued tracking plastic bag bans around the world and reviewing, in 3 sentences or less, all of the media (movies and books) I consumed. There's a backlog of about 40 reviews that need to be written and/or posted, and I'm trying to think of a creative way to get these out. There were several posts about Michael Lewis and the movie version of 'Money Ball', and I remain saddened by the lack of a 'Liar's Poker' movie. I post about Michael Lewis so much because people are interested in what he has to say, but he doesn't keep a blog to make it easy to find what he's saying. This applies to Chuck Klosterman, as well.

Sharks made their customary frequent appearances (including this post about a hero shark fighting dog). This spring, I even got an opportunity to interview George Burgess, one of the foremost shark experts in the world. I also had the pleasure of interviewing 2 of my favorite rockers Blake Schwarzenbach of forgetters and Ben Nichols of Lucero, as well as author Davy Rothbart and ‘V’ Creator Kenny Johnson. These conversations were a lot of fun and I hope to interview more folks in 2010 who are equally out of my league. (Though, according to this LinkedIn rejection, everyone is out of my league.)

I, of course, talked a lot about Television this year, including many posts about Mad Men and The Wire. Lost is a show that I don't LOVE, but end up posting a lot about, mostly because the stuff the fans create is so awesome. You all really seemed to enjoy Everything Tracy Jordan Said Seasons 1, 2, and 3 as well as Everything Don Draper Said Seasons 1, 2, and 3. I was shocked to find out Jericho Reruns Get More Viewers Than Mad Men, but the concept of cell phones killing the sitcom makes sense when you think about it. "24" received more words than it deserved, but I had fun liveblogging it, and will probably (oh, crap) do it again this year.

Some projects I was relatively proud of: The Tiger Woods Mistress Generator, a study on the idea of an official state sandiwch, and then writing to every senator and representative for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts asking their opinion on making the Fluffernutter the Official Sandwich of the Commonwealth. I did an Appreciation of Rickey Henderson on the occasion of his induction to the Hall of Fame, conducted an Unscientific Survey of Books People Love Annoyingly and Books People Hate, compiled 208 Facebook Status Messages from the 24 hours of Obama's inauguration, created a 10 part Free Barcelona, Spain Travel Guide, and in Marshmallow Peeps On the Internet, I collected practically every single website of note about Marshmallow Peeps. Plus, I answered What a Zombie Looks For in a Woman.

My favorite vandalism of the year, along with my favorite effort by young people, interview by someone else, cat video, urban wildlife sighting, fan made music video, Mad Menspoof, movie posters, Boston music video, character assassination, single serving site about bad art dedicated to Barack Obama, and picture of Smart cars parked sideways.

This is a fake list of Reasons I Gave When Asked, “Why Are You Growing a Mustache Again?” and a real List of Facebook Usernames I Wish I Had Gotten.

Here are a few cultural events that I reviewed: forgetters at Great Scott, Lucero at The Middle East, Ann Coulter vs Bill Maher Debate, Shepard Fairey at the ICA, Al Gore at the Wang Center, Karl Rove vs James Carville, and blogger day at Taza Chocolate.

Did you know that there's No Apostrophe in “Veterans Day”, You CAN Eat Quinoa during Passover, or anything at all about Patriots’ Day? RCN started a DNS redirect, but here's How to Opt Out, The New York Times killed itself and the bacon meme at the same time, and Allessandra Stanley Had a Bad Day. James Brown Saved Boston, McLean Stabbed Mingus, Buddy Rich Yelled At His Band, and Susan Boyle knocked it out of the park. David went to the dentist, The Roots watched 2 Girls, 1 Cup, ESPN featured the Konami (Contra) Code, Matt Lauer hit a deer, ON HIS BIKE, and the internet cheered the cultural impact of 1984 (the year, not the book).

Michale Jackson had mad pull at one point, but then, a proposed auction of his stuff turned into an allegory of the economy. (Another allegory of the economy? The Snot Boogie Rules.) Media is changing, "Twitter is a media/marketing vehicle disguised as a social network”, I missed how big of a deal Snuggies would be this year (only four million sold as of the end of January).

In June, my little cat dude, Charlie, died and it about crushed me. If you've read this far, you may as well check out that post if you want to read about him. Except for that, 2009 was a great year on Unlikely Words. I hope we have as much fun next year.

###

Possibly related posts:

Everything Don Draper Said Season 3

aaron cohen — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 06:32:59 +0000

Here's Season 3 of Everything Don Draper Said (and Season 1 and Season 2 (PLUS Everything Tracy Jordan Said Seasons 1, 2, and 3)). There were a few episodes this season where Don's story wasn't necessarily the focal point, or he didn't have too many knockout scenes, and yet, as you scroll through, you'll still find some magic. He had about 500 more words than last season, but much less than the 10K words in Season 1. As always, what follows is a transcription of everything Don Draper said this season on Mad Men. There's no context, but if you're a fan of the show, you'll lose your morning looking at this. Enjoy!

Episode 1
"Come on, drink this."
"You're so sure it's a girl?"
"I could have done that."
"At least you don't look tired."
"Close your eyes."
"You're on a warm sandy beach."
"You're on a warm sandy beach. You can smell the faint scent of coconut oil. And as you slide your hands though that cold patch of sand underneath the shadow of your deck chair."
"Bert's on it's way. Where's Roger?"
"Well, it's a sales call, isn't there more I can do here?"
"Really? I have one."
"Come on in, Bert."
"This isn't easy."
"Is that the last of it? Because I don't like how much I'm getting used to these."
"Can you believe this? What is the world coming to?"
"That's not a bottle, it's his date."
"'I'm sorry honey, but I'm taken. I just pawned my typewriter so we can be together all weekend.'"
"Excuse me?"
"Uh, Bill. Call me Bill. And, uh, this is my associate, Mr. Fleischman."
"Well, we have to check in and we have an early meeting."
"The Belvedere."
"Hoffstadt. My brother in law. He borrowed a suitcase to go to Puerto Rico, but he never tires of putting his name on other people's things."
"Really?"
"Uh, no, it's OK. I don't usually tell people I'm an accountant."
"Of course you do know there are other kinds of accountants."
"Tell them what we do."
"Well, I'll have to swear you all to secrecy."
"You're right."
"You ever heard of James Hoffa."
"There is a lot of money missing."
"No, we're accountants."
"I don't know, I keep going to a lot of places and keep ending up somewhere I've already been."
"Sam."
"Well, this is me."
"I don't know."
"I've been married a long time. You get plenty of chances. It's my birthday."
"It really is."
"That's not gonna help."
"Stand up."
"Go on."
"Not yet."
"Come on, let's go. Come on, forget your shoes. Let's go. Come on!"
"Come on."
"I'm just here to show you the continuity of our service. With our without Bert Peterson, you are on our mind."
"Morris, you remember Salvatore Romano."
"Sal, this is Howard."
"Well, is it about our work? I mean, we don't want to take credit for everything, but 2 of every 3 raincoats sold last year had London Fog stitched on the inside pocket."
"London Fog is a 40 year old brand that sounds like it's existed forever. You've established with our help that it means one thing. Rain coats. New products aside, there will be fat years and there will be lean years, but it is going to rain."
"What time is it?"
"We should be back in the office by 3."
"I'm gonna ask you something and I want you to be completely honest with me. London Fog. It's a subway car, and there's a commuter looking up. There's a girl with her back to us. She's wearing one of those short tan ones, but it's open. Her legs are bare. We know what he's seeing. Limit your exposure."
"Good."
"Help yourself. So, Cosgrove vs Campbell. Is Cooper playing God or Darwin?"
"Lane read about it in some management book?"
"Come in."
"What?"
"Our stories are straight."
"Find how much it is to repair and it will come out of your allowance."
"Then don't break things."
"Come here."
"I will always come home. You'll always be my girl."
"I don't sleep well when I'm not here."
"Yes."
"Well, it was the middle of the night and it was raining very hard and I had just come home from work."

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 2
"Jesus, Bets, have some oatmeal, that baby's gonna weigh a pound."
"You gonna collect the whole set?
"You didn't need a decorator last time. I'd like to feel like I'm paying for something. These are $3 a piece you know?"
"I'm late."
"We are going to Tarrytown. And you're going to stare at some antique chair for so long the buttons will seem interesting. And then we'll go to Carvel. See you tonight."
"I don't usually set meetings, I attend them."
"Shall we?"
"10 years."
"I don't know if the ladies want to talk about that."
"Look, I didn't want to be there anymore than you did."
"What?"
"Tell me know and not 3 seconds after I've dozed off."
"Another stroke?"
"Can you blame her?"
"Maybe she realized he's a son of a bitch."
"Great. More antiques."
"Those girls are a nightmare."
"Why did you even bother asking me?"
"Send him in."
"Glad to hear it. They really hit it off."
"I told you before, Roger's the lion tamer."
"It will help if you tell me who these people are."
"What does he want?"
"Today?"
"Have Campbell send over the folder."
"What else did you have to do today? What else do you have to do all week?"
"Sorry to hear that."
"Your words not mine."
"Edgar."
"In the interest of time, you want to demolish Penn Station and New York hates it."
"Can they stop it?"
"But they can't stop it, can they?"
"Your concern over public opinion shows a guilty conscience. Now what good is that serving you if what is to be done is already under way?"
"Good. Then let's also say that change is neither good nor bad, it simply is. It can be greeted with terror or joy. A tantrum that says, 'I want it the way it was'. Or a dance that says, 'Look, something new'."
"I'm not drawing a line at all. PR people understand this, but they can never execute it. If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation."
"I was in California. Everything is new, and it's clean. The people are filled with hope. New York City is in decay. But Madison Square Garden, it's the beginning of a new city on a hill."
"I will handle it personally."
"Gene."
"You're an Army man, Gene. Drop your socks and…grab something."
"Lights out at 8:15. I'm impressed."
"How bad is he?"
"What now?"
"I understand it's not ideal, but it's the next logical step."
"Cut it out!"
"What do you wanna do?"
"You want anything?"
"Did he talk about television?"
"You're gonna have to keep a low profile on this, but it doesn't mean you're not working."
"Can I get you anything?"
"Did their check bounce already?"
"Did you tell them it's a stadium in the middle of New York City? It's one of a kind."
"I'm confused."
"That's for right now."
"Madison Square Garden is our way into the World's Fair. The largest trade show in history. Plus there's the Garden itself. Hotels, concerts, sports. This could mean 30 years of business."
"You told me to go out and get this account. I did. I did my job and now you're telling me it's all for nothing because you forgot to check with your boss first? Who's running this place?"
"Why the hell did you buy us in the first place?"
"Tell Mr. Campbell, 'Madison Square Garden is dead'."
"Can it wait?"
"What is this?"
"Yes, everyone wants a drink that sounds like a floor. This is Chinese."
"I haven't seen it."
"Fine."
"I'm sure."
"She's throwing herself at the camera. It's pure. It makes your heart hurt."
"What did the geniuses at Patio want?"
"It's not about making women feel fat. This is, 'Look how happy I am that I drink Patio. I'm young and excited and desperate for a man'."
"Peggy, I know you understand how this works. Men want her, women want to be her."
"It is. I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable."
"You're not artist, Peggy. You solve problems. Leave some tools in your toolbox."
"Hey, where's mom?"
"What's the matter?"
"No, you're not."
"William says?"
"William."
"I'll go get the chicken in a minute."
"I don't care."
"About your father."
"This is what's going to happen. You are going to explain to your sister and your wife that we have reached an understanding. You are going to support your father financially and I am going to take him into my house. His house is going to remain untouched."
"You're gonna go out and you're gonna tell your sister this is what you want. We'll pretend that you did the right thing on your own."
"And he's in my home. I want you to leave tonight and I want you to leave the Lincoln, I can't have him here without a car."
"New York Central, Broadway Limited from Penn Station. It leaves in 2 hours."
"Gene."
"I did. You were great."
"Fine."
"Whatta you got?"

Episode 3
"We don't have to go, you know?"
"It's Roger and Jane."
"Gene."
"Bed time."
"Look at you."
"Here. Gene, here you go."
"No, just this particular problem."
"Well, I think I am finally ready to go."
"Don't hand out your card."
"Do you want to go?"
"Can I get an Old Fashioned?"
"I don't have a lot of time."
"Rye OK with you?"
"You're not a member either?"
"I am at work disguised as a party."
"Why is that?"
"Where you from?"
"You look fit."
"Mid-Summer Night's Dream?"
"Where I grew up there was a roadhouse. It boasted live music. That meant a drum, a bass, and a player piano with nobody at it. I parked cars. Fancy people would go there. They'd get loud, they'd get drunk. But they wouldn't let me use the toilet."
"So, when nature called, I'd open up a trunk and relieve myself."
"I was 15. There's probably some kid out there doing it to us right now."
"Pennsylvania, by way of Illinois. We lost our farm and ended up in coal country."
"Don Draper, this is my wife, Betty."
"Primaries are still a long way off."
"Come on, come on. You should sit down."
"I'll take care of her."
"Your wife's drunk."
"Roger, it's late."
"No one thinks you're happy. They think you're foolish."

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 4
"Don't get up."
"Don't let me interrupt."
"You'll have take radio the way it is."
"During the Depression I saw somebody throw a loaf of bread off the back of a truck. It was more dignified."
"Campbell, did you tell him who this idiot's father is?"
"Horace, Sr is connected to Bert Cooper in a million ways and I don't know if he would like what just happened in there."
"Well, there you have it."
"Has anybody been outside, do I need a coat?"
"I look forward to his average work. Replace him."
"What were you gonna do if you had to fire him? Have Sal do it."
"Sal, do you wanna do it?"
"It's lifted straight from 'Bye, Bye, Birdie.' It's a single shot. Sal did the storyboards. I could one, but I don't think I should have to. Alison?"
"Gene."
"Gene, don't."
"Bobby give it back."
"There was a person in that helmet."
"Bobby, it's a dead man's hat, take it off."
"Of course."
"That's not strictly true, but you are family and, well, it appears to be a lot of money."
"Well, you know, your son has a dream."
"So, you want us to proceed?"
"Pleasure to see you again.
"I'll sign him tonight."
"Jack Kennedy certainly ended up with a better job than his father."
"I want to give you a piece of advice. I've been doing this a while and I applaud your enthusiasm. But I think you should take this decision a little more seriously."
"You have a great fortune. That's not just money, that's the future. And we will take all of your money, I promise you. But I think you should evaluate this particular obsession. You can do better."
"Then why aren't you eating dinner with Ogilvy?"
"Mr. Hooker, did Lane stop by the clubhouse?"
"Full steam ahead."
"Well, you head him boys. Don't stop until you see the whites of his pockets."
"Bill it to the kid."
"Look, I don't think there's any ambiguity about this being exactly, and I mean exactly what you asked for."
"That is magnanimous."
"Send him in."
"It must be horrible having a client insist on something and then change their mind once they've seen it. I hope it never happens to me."
"I'm in a meeting."
"What's the matter?"
"Oh. I'm sorry, Bets."
"I'm very sorry."
"Do you want me to call William?"
"Just stay put, I'll be right there."
"I'm gonna have to go."
"There's nothing you could do. Don't ruin the only good thing to come of this. You are now a commercial director."
"You'll know when I hire you again. Alison, I'm going for the day."
"What does that mean?"
"Bets, don't eat that. It was in his car all day."
"Sally, sweetheart."

Episode 5
"What happened?"
"She didn't need stitches in the end, I understand?"
"Sally didn't mention it?"
"I don't think children belong in graveyards."
"She was?"
"It's not a good time."
"I can."
"I'd like to have that in writing."
"I signed his receipts, didn't I?"
"Morris, comma, in reference to retooling the factory for London Fog children and young adults…"
"You're wasting paper."
"They waste paper because they throw out bad ideas."
"You came here because we do this better than you and part of that is letting our Ceatives be unproductive until they are."
"I don't want to talk you this way."
"We've tried it before and it never works."
"You want to make money? Start getting your nails dirty with Bert Cooper and Harry Crane. Clients love to pay for media and Creative needs pencils."
"And lay off expense accounts. Think of the men's morale and not just your own."
"I've seen everything. You have my ticket stubs."
"Hello? Anyone home? I'll get it."
"Hello?"
"Yes."
"No."
"Why?"
"No. You're fine."
"Bets. Thanks for the call."
"No one."
"Hang in there, Bets."
"It's not, but I'll have one."
"Whenever you want."
"Twice. And yet, I never thought to bring a bottle."
"My daughter took forever. I remember being pretty worked up. And the nurse said 'Don't forget your wife's in the boat, you're on the shore."
"Yes."
"Not enough."
"Well, the good news, time has stopped."
"They attack you?"
"I do."
"Except your subjects want to kill you."
"How do they know you're dangerous?"
"Everybody in stripes."
"That's a bullshit excuse."
"Try now."
"I don't think that's unusual."
"Our worst fears lie in anticipation."
"Congratulations."
"Thanks, Dennis."
"Go see your baby."
"I heard you."
"It's a boy."
"How do you feel?"
"You look beautiful, Bets."
"What'd you say?"
"We don't have to decide that now."
"No. And I don't expect to for the next 6 months."
"Roger."
"Where are you?"
"She did."
"No name yet."
"Why were you in the art department?"
"I missed half a day."
"I'll see what I can do."
"Can I get some coffee?"
"What are you doing out of bed?"
"A snack, want some?"
"Mommy's much better at it."
"I am."
"Why's that?"
"Really?"
"It's not Grandpa Gene's room. It's the baby's room."
"Well, I thought you were going to be a boy. Not all surprises are bad. Everything's going to be fine."
"Well, then, I guess it must be true."
"Send her in."
"You didn't have to do that."
"I invited you in."
"Maybe we need to get you a cheaper secretary."
"It's not a good time."
"It's not gonna happen, Peggy, not now. I'm fighting for paper clips around here."
"You're gonna be fine, Peggy."
"Really?"
"I suppose that's probably true."
"What do you want me to say?"
"You see what's been going on here the last 6 months?"
"We're here."
"Remember you have to be careful."
"Want something to eat."
"I got it. Come on."

Episode 6
"It's 10:30, why aren't you asleep?"
"Sally?"
"What are you afraid of?"
"I'm home now. Nothing can hurt you. Except maybe this mess. Pick up your room, we'll get you a nightlight."
"Go to sleep."
"4th of July. Subtle."
"I assume you know what this is about."
"Why?"
"London."
"That's not necessary."
"Go to town."
"I already had one."
"I don't believe that story."
"Because you've sold it."
"No one said you did anything."
"Listen, Roger. I'm OK, Angelo. We don't need to talk about this anymore. I promise."
"Thank you."
"I gotta shave."
"They ordered me to do it. We have an inspection tomorrow. The British."
"Did you pick up a night light."
"I don't know that she resents him."
"We don't know. Delayed everybody's vacation plans."
"Who?"
"Would you ever want to live in London? I'm serious."
"Nothing."
"I am."
"That's very flattering."
"That's very impressive."
"I as well."
"I don't think so."
"What?"
"Uh, I know what he does, why is he calling?"
"And he's calling for me?"
"Put him through."
"Donald Draper."
"May I ask what this is regarding?"
"How about right now?"
"15 minutes."
"I'm on my way."
"I'm Donald Draper."
"We have, haven't we?"
"We had a drink, of course."
"I can't believe you're Conrad Hilton."
"Don."
"I'm fine."
"I really should have known that."
"Well, they don't do that for everyone."
"How did you find me."
"Well, here I am. What can I do for you?"
"I think you wouldn't be in the Presidential suite right now if you worked for free."
"Connie, this is my profession, what do you want me to do?"
"I don't think anybody wants to think of a mouse in a hotel."
"I might."
"I'm not gonna lie. I'd love a chance at your business."
"Well, Connie. There are snakes that go months without eating and then they catch something, but they're so hungry that they suffocate while they're eating. One opportunity at a time."
"Home or office?"
"Joan. My God."
"How is he?"
"But he's not going to."
"Jesus, that's awful."
"I'll wait."
"Despite the circus today, I hope you know that you are going to be terribly missed."
"I'm sure you're right."
"It's a terrible tragedy."
"I don't know if that's true."
"You should get home to that lucky husband."
"Sure."
"That's a good one."
"Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey."
"Hey. I got you. I got you. Just breathe."
"Come on. Calm down and tell me what's going on."
"He's not."
"He's a baby, that's it. Now I want you to go to sleep. There's no such thing as ghosts."
"Bets, this has to stop."
"No she's not jealous, she's scared, and it's all because he has that name."
"No, that's ridiculous. Let's talk about Sally."
"He hated me and I hated him. That's the memory."
"Come on, let's get you to sleep."
"You see? It's alright. This is your little brother. He's only a baby and we don't know who he is yet or what he's going to be and that is a wonderful thing."

Episode 7
"Well, it's hard for me to judge when I can't see a price tag."
"I think it's fine, Bets."
"Move the end table and the lamp to the other end of the couch."
"Yes, it is."
"How was it?"
"It'll help him."
"I like the title."
"Is he publishing it himself?"
"Move it? I'm 15 minutes late. I told you I don't want them hovering. If I'm late, send them away and call them when I get here."
"Right now?"
"Hold on. Come back in 20 minutes. Did you offer him coffee?"
"20 minutes."
"Move it."
"Alison hold all my calls."
"Connie, what a great day to start the day?"
"Well, can I get you something."
"What can I do for you?"
"I'm easily distracted."
"Maybe I'm late because I was spending time with my family reading the bible."
"Well, you caught my by surprise, Connie. I think you know that."
"Yes."
"Don't you have a coterie of trusted advisors, friends, kings that might council you better?
"I think that's a good start."
"I look forward to it."
"If you say so."
"Speak to you soon."
"Miami's where we should start. Let it grow from there."
"Look, do you want to kill this thing in one year, or do you want to shear the sheep every year."
"We ran into each other at a party. That'll be all."
"Pete, I think you're supposed to bring in the account and I'm supposed to beg to be on it. What happened with North American Aviation?"
"When they do, we can talk about Hilton."
"I thought I'd let it be an incoming phone call and then wait to see who took credit for it."
"Finally."
"We travel in the same circles."
"Well, don't be afraid to push back. I agreed to the New York hotels, but everything else should be under our terms."
"I'll give him my word."
"It's very generous. I'll think about it."
"Look, I've gotten to know Conrad Hilton a little bit and I think he'll enjoy something he can't have. And you should tell him it matters to me."
"Still, I don't think anyone told him it matters to me."
"I'd be happy to."
"Yes."
"Huh, Jesus."
"Go ahead, I'll take Ernie home."
"Sally has a crush on her."
"You stare at the sun everyday?"
"You run?"
"Do you talk?"
"Oh, I will once it gets a little further along."
"How's your summer going?"
"Are you going to take a vacation?"
"Been here in August? It's a ghost town."
"Oh, we'll be here."
"I was just making conversation. You can change it if you want to."
"Do you want me to leave you alone, just say so."
"Nothing's happening, we're just talking."
"And where I come from, school teachers especially used to say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover."
"Is that impossible?"
"So how do people live elsewhere?"
"I'm not bored."
"Short."
"He hasn't gotten back to me."
"It's not that."
"Come on in."
"No."
"Who told you we were going to land Hilton? Because we're not. And I resent you bringing work in here under pretense."
"I didn't need to sign off on this."
"And you thought you'd come in here and ask for it because I never say no."
"What do I have to do for you, Peggy, tell me. You were my secretary and now you have an office and a job that a lot of full grown men would kill for. Every time I turn around you have your hand in my pocket. You want a raise. You want this account. Put your nose down and pay attention to your work because there's not one thing you've done here that I couldn't live without."
"You're good. Get better. Stop asking for stuff. Close the door."
"What's wrong?"
"What?"
"What do you think? I'm calling him."
"Bets, don't worry about my job."
"It doesn't concern you. You're taking care of."
"Let me explain something to you about business, since, as usual, you're turning this into something about yourself. No contract means I have all the power. They want me, but they can't have me."
"Good night."
"Where you headed?"
"Hop in."
"Thank you."
"Nice to meet you."
"Couple miles."
"In Niagara Falls, fancy that."
"Why is that?"
"I'm sure you have a good reason, not that it's any of my business."
"Again, none of my business."
"I have it on good authority that you're right."
"Nope, I'm in advertising."
"Thank you."
"That's true."
"What are they?"
Give me one. Make it two."
"How old are you?"
"No, I'm not."
"Shut up."
"That's right."
"Fender bender."
"No thank you."
"Fender bender."
"Thank you."
"Good morning."
"What do you want?"
"I would."
"I don't want anymore contact with Roger Sterling."
"I signed it."

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 8
"If you're wondering, there's a Hathaway in there. The hotel gave me someone else's shirt."
"What are they doing out there?"
"They should be paying you for this."
"This is Don. OK. When? Tuesday night. Pan Am? Sure, send it to my office. You as well."
"He wants me to fly out Tuesday night and join him in Rome."
"Not for two days it isn't, I'll see the Coliseum from a taxi cab."
"First of all, that's not true. Second, there's nothing stopping you from coming with me. You have a passport."
"We can stay at the Waldorf anytime you want."
"Sorry, Birdie."
"I gotta catch up on my sleep."
"You know what happened to the Hilton cufflinks? They're little Stetsons, sterling silver."
"Look at that, how'd it go?"
"Car comes at a quarter to six."
"Yes."
"So they just killed the whole development."
"That's real politics."
"I'm up. I'm up."
"What, no. I can buy you a ticket at the airport."
"Sure, why not?"
"Wow."
"Which one?"
"I can barely stand up. Let me see what's going on."
"Sorry, I haven't changed my money yet."
"Whiskey, neat. May I join you?"
"Are they making fun of me?"
"I'm only in Rome for one night, I won't have my heart broken."
"Room 763."
"To whatever they were saying."
"Does that bother you?"
"I was just hoping you were easy."
"What brings you to Rome? Seeing anything interesting?
"Connie, this is my wife, Betty."
"He's something."
"You're tiny."
"Hello?"
"No. No, I'm up."
"Breakfast, sure, let me just…You know, Connie, Betty's telling me she already ordered breakfast up to the room. Can I meet you afterwards?"
"I did. I like sleeping on this side of the bed."
"I have to get up."
"Order something. Give us a full report."
"It was short and it was sweet."
"I'm gonna go check the mail, you want anything?"
"I called the office. Hilton sent a packet over before we even left."
"Hello, Francine."
"Hey."
"What's wrong?"
"Oh, Bets. We'll go away again, you know we will."
"Do me a favor. Look under your pillow. Open it. I saw it in the gift shop, but we were leaving, so I had Connie send it."
"I'll have it put on your bracelet."

Episode 9
"Hello."
"Connie."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"That's very interesting."
"Instinct."
"You want me to take your international business, Connie?"
"Let me think on that."
"OK."
"That's very good, Connie."
"Then I guess it's not that memorable."
"Done."
"Goodbye."
"I'm sorry about that."
"Baby's up every 3 hours, Hilton only calls every 4."
"I can't sleep. Going in."
"What are you doing?"
"In the dark?"
"You're wrong about that. Let me give you a ride, where you going?"
"So take a break, you smoke?"
"You think they can understand it?"
"Who are you? Are you dumb or pure? Running out here in the middle of the night and I run into you. How did that happen?"
"I don't know, I can't sleep. Right or left."
"It's a nice house."
"Have coffee with me."
"I'm always late. Just coffee."
"Good morning. Sorry."
"Can you get me some coffee, please? And I need you to type this up and get it to Hilton before he leaves for Europe."
"This. Coffee. Hilton."
"That window looks as old to me as those columns. Anybody look at a picture of the Athens Hilton?"
"And believe it or not, we're not allowed to pretend that's a view from the window at the Hilton, because it's not."
"The tag is flat."
"Well, that doesn't make it good. If it's bad, don't use it. What else?"
"Now that I can finally understand you, I am less impressed with what you have to say. That's your work, too. Who's we?"
"And how do I know that, take out a magnifying glass and look at one of those tiny hotels."
"There is no deadline. I want to see work as you think of it. Give me more ideas to reject. I can't do this all by myself."
"Hello?"
"Is it?"
"It's not a problem, Connie."
"Right now?"
"I'll be there. Give me an hour. Hello?"
"So what is that, moonshine?"
"I remember this."
"I didn't know that."
"You might be working too much."
"I'm not an expert."
"I'm glad you're telling me this."
"That's good."
"I did, but when I hear you say it, it sounds beautiful."
"Stop it. You're not."
"Thank you. I mean it."
"I can see you and I can here you. What do you want? Who died?"
"What?"
"Harry?"
"Roger did what?"
"Fantastic. That's a $25 Million account you stuck your nose in, Crane. Just get out."
"What happened?"
"I understand what just happened, what happened with the cut?"
"Sal, something must have happened. I can't help you unless you tell me."
"Jesus, I'm not gonna ask again."
"Cornered you?"
"You must have been really shocked?"
"But nothing happened because nothing could have happened because you're married?"
"You sure you want to do that? Who do you think you're talking to?"
"That would depend on what kind of girl and what I knew about her. You people."
"Lucky Strike could shut off our lights."
"I think you know that this is the way that this has to be. You'll do fine."
"Get me Lee Garner, Jr."
"Hi!"
"Not good."
"I don't care as long as I don't have to go. When is it?"
"A fundraiser for Rockefeller."
"I'm gonna go lie down. Goodnight, Carla."
"Rome, Tehran, Tokyo are magnificent destinations and that's really been the focus of almost every campaign you've had. Up 'til now. How to lure the American traveler abroad? What more do we need to than a picture of Athens to get our heart racing? And yet, the average American experiences a level of luxury that belongs only to kings in most of the world. We're not chauvinists, we just have expectations. Well, now there's one word that promises the thrill of international travel with the comfort of home. Hilton. How do you say ice water in Italian? Hilton. How do you say fresh towels in Farsi? Hilton. How do you say hamburger in Japanese? Hilton. Hilton, it's the same in every language."
"We'll see."
"Excuse me?"
"Well, right now that's not an actual destination."
"We-. I'll admit, I misunderstood that. I'm sure there's a way to fit that into this."
"This is a good campaign. One of the best. It's modern, it's witty, it's eye catching, it will change your business."
"Or they trust my work."
"Most ad men believe that clients are the thing that gets in the way of good work. I've never experienced that."
"This is a great campaign."
"Send him in."
"Who told you that?"
"Everything's under control."
"I'd tell you, but I don't want to hurt your feelings."
"Hello."
"Bets, Hilton just called. I'm going in."
"Go back to sleep."
"Then let me in."
"This is nice."
"I don't know. I wanted to talk."
"What do you want me to say? You've been flirting with me for months."
"So I can't stop thinking about you."
"Tell me you've run past that stretch of highway in the past 2 weeks and not thought of me, not looked for me?"
"So what?"
"I want you. I don't care. Doesn't that mean anything to someone like you?"

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 10
"Yes. How was school today?"
"I do. It's just your answer's always longer so I thought I would start with Sally."
"No."
"Bets, I don't have a choice."
"Were you grading papers?"
"Thanks, Ms. Farrell. That's good to know."
"What did you say?"
"I would have told Charlie that my job is about boiling down communications to its essentials and that I know that there is a blue that at least 45% of the populations sees as the same."
"Maybe. The truth is that people may see things differently, but they don't really want to."
"Nobody feels as good about what they do as you do."
"I would have liked you. Long curly hair. No one has that anymore."
"Good morning, fellas. Yes."
"Too much story. Every time I here 'and then', there's another chance for the ladies at home to misunderstand."
"OK."
"Kerchief in a can? Don't use that, but very nice."
"What do you have for Western Union?"
"Hilton takes precedence, so I need you 2 to be ready for me at a moment's notice."
"How is that supposed to help?"
"I don't know why it took 2 months?"
"In his dressiest Stetson."
"What's going on?"
"No, it's OK."
"Don't."
"Why did you answer?"
"Get rid of him for 15 minutes and I'll run out."
"No. So there's a man in there, he doesn't need to know it's me."
"I don't want to ruin this."
"What happened there?"
"Well, I should be going."
"I wish you the best."
"I'll call you."
"Hang it up."
"Hey."
"What are you doing here?"
"Did you call my house last night?"
"Sit down. I'm sorry."
"Your brother's there."
"I'm sorry."
"Are you sure?"
"Hello."
"Let me do it. Let me drive him. Where you going again?"
"Then you'll have to come back alone. Let me do this for you."
"No, we're fine."
"Do you need to stop?"
"Well, I am. So I guess you kind of have to."
"I don't know if you're capable of understanding, but that job is important."
"No."
"Things didn't turn out so well for him."
"Hold on."
"I'm older than you, and I'm telling you it seems bad now, but you can still change things."
"Does that just sound stupid to you?"
"You need money?"
"I swore to myself I would try to do this right once."
"I want you to call me if you ever need you and I want you to remember if something happens to you your sister will never forgive herself."
"That I let you out 20 miles outside of Framingham?"
"Take care."
"He knows that."
"Nice."
"He'll be as good as he can be."
"It's OK."
"No. Can you get my wife on the phone?"
"Betty."
"I told you, I was with Hilton."
"Well did you remember to pick up my tuxedo?"
"I'll get home around 5:30, we should leave within the hour."
"What's wrong?"
"Get into bed, grab a hot water bottle, you have 7 hours. It's all the clients, all the partners and they're all expecting me to show up with the glamorous, elegant, stunning Betty Draper. I want to show you off, Bets."
"Sounds like you're talking to her parents. They should really be at that wedding."
"That's a slogan, not an idea. Paul."
"Damn it, Kinsey, what's your excuse?"
"Excuse me?"
"I hate when that happens."
"You can't frame a phone call."
"That's the way to go. You 2 keep working on that."
"Party's tonight. Monday."
"See, it all works out."
"Bets, are you ready?"
"Ready, Bets?"
"Look how pretty mommy is."
"Please. Please. Please. I'm very honored."

Episode 11
"You'll wear it once. Plus it's made out of plastic and it's crap."
"I'll go get it."
"There's more? It's a week."
"Oooh. They have a Woolworth's in Philly, too."
"Swing by the bank, there should be at least $200 in your checking. It's plenty."
"Take care."
"I can't tell if you two know each other or not."
"I think it's a tall order. Do you have to use horse meat?"
"I've eaten it."
"Don't change the name, don't change the product. Got it."
"I'll put the fellas on it."
"All the lights were on, I figured you'd be home."
"That's very thoughtful."
"And hot pepper?"
"I know."
"I pushed you."
"I'm happy now."
"What? OK. I'm gonna go lie down. Come get me when you want to."
"I don't want it to pass. The day I dropped the kids off at school and I saw you in the yard. I kept wishing you could get in the car and drive away with me."
"I'll clear my schedule, we can go to Mystic or something for the rest of the week."
"I am."
"This your first group?"
"Somebody get that."
"Turn off the sound."
"Any agency that does not change the name is stealing your money. The product is good. Dogs love it, but the name has been poisoned."
"I'm not saying a new name is easy to find, and we will give you a lot of options, but it's a label on a can. And it will be true because it will promise the quality of the product that's inside."
"I'll be right out."
"I'll be right back, Salamander."
"I left my hat in the car."
"You're home early, what did William do now?"
"Why didn't you just call the office? I came to feed the dog and change shirts, I have a client dinner in the city."
"What's going on?"
"Bets, that's my desk."
"Betty, this is my desk. It's private. Where did you get these?"
"No."
"I can explain. You didn't have to look at my things."
"People change their name, Bets. You did."
"I can explain."
"Bets, I… I need a drink."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Where do you want me to start?"
"Donald Draper. But it used to be Dick Whitman."
"It wasn't…romantic. I ended up married to her because I ran away to join the army. There was an accident and this guy was killed and I was injured, but they made a mistake. And all I had to do was be him and I could leave Korea."
"Donald Draper."
"Yes."
"Yes. I found out it was easier to be him than to start over. And it turned out he was married to that woman so I took care of her. And then I divorced her the minute I met her."
"When? The day we met? On our first date? On our wedding night? Why did you neeed to know?"
"No, I don't."
"I was very poor."
"I did and she reminded me that I loved you."
"I was surprised that you ever loved me."
"I don't know."
"I didn't think I had a choice and I don't know what the difference is. This is our house. Those are our children."
"Yes you do."
"Bets, I'm in here. How is he?"
"Sit with me."
"This was my father, Archibald. But this… But that's not my mother. My mother was a 22 year old prostitute who died having me. This woman, Abigail, Arch's wife. She raised me. When I was 10, Arch died and we moved. And Abigail took up with him. Mac. Uncle Mac. He was nice to me."
"They're all dead."
"He was my half brother. And he died. Killed himself. He came to me because he wanted help and I turned him away. He didn't even want help, he just, he just wanted to be a part of my life and I couldn't risk all of this. He hung himself."
"Are you going to have something?"
"Yes, of course."
"I'll see you tonight."
"I canceled my plans."
"I have plenty to do."
"I stopped by, no one answered."
"About last night."
"It's more complicated than that."
"Not right now. No."
"Only you would ask about me right now."
"No."
"Goodbye, Suzanne."
"Yes."
"No."
"It's cold out there. You can stay here with him, or I can."
"Good."

Episode 12
"I'm here."
"I've done it before."
"You want anything?"
"Is this official?"
"At least you had the guts to send me a memo."
"Salvatore Romano is gone. There's no one in charge of the art department."
"Jesus, it's hotter in here than in my office."
"Do you want me to walk you through a delivery schedule?"
"I don't understand. I can't run my department without an art director."
"Bert Cooper still has a say around here."
"What the hell is going on?"
"Bets?"
"Where's your mother?"
"Why are the kids watching this?"
"Take a pill and lie down. I can handle the kids."
"Turn this off, I'll make us some dinner."
"Can you two look at me? Everything's going to be OK. We have a new president and we're all going to be sad for a little bit. And then on Monday there's going to be a funeral."
"You should get ready, it's almost 2."
"Come on, Bets."
"I'm not gonna call Roger to find out. If we go in and it's off, we'll grab dinner or something. I can't sit in front of the TV all day."
"Just stay here until Carla comes."
"You want to dance?"
"Hey. Everything's going to be fine."
"You'll see."
"You ready?"
"What happened?"
"What?"
"Bets."
"Nothing. Go upstairs."
"Where?"
"Let me drive. I'll get the kids, we'll all go somewhere. That's a good idea."
"Francine has the kids."
"What?"
"You're very upset. I understand. I know it's painful, but it's going to pass."
"Bets, don't. You're distraught."
"Stop it."
"You'll feel better tomorrow, you'll see."
"You're right."
"Morning."
"I have to go to work, I'm sorry."
"I'm fine."
"Peggy. What are you doing here?"
"What do you have?"
"Bars are closed."
"Yes."

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 13
"Sorry I'm late."
"I'm well, Connie, thank you. How are you?"
"What?"
"Why?"
"So, we're all gone?"
"Bullshit. It's a sausage factory. I turned them down 3 years ago."
"You come and go as you please?"
"And you don't give a crap that my future is tied up in this mess because of you?"
"And you wanted to play with me. Kick me around. Knock me down to size. Why you called me son. I get it now, Connie, it's business."
"Yes."
"Conrad Hilton told me PPL is being sold and us along with it."
"So you knew about this?"
"So what do we do?"
"So that's it? You're losing your business and you don't care?"
"Well, do something about it. If Sterling Cooper is for sale, why don't we buy it from PPL? We could put everything back the way it was"
"And you old men like building golden tombs and sealing the rest of us in with you. You're done. You know that, right?"
"I understand, I'll let you get back to sleep."
"Because I'm sick of getting batted around like a ping pong ball. Who the hell is in charge, a bunch of accountants trying to turn a dollar into a dollar ten? I want to work. I want to build something of my own, how do you not understand that, you did it yourself 40 years ago."
"Try me."
"I understand that."
"New Years Day."
"You talk to him."
"Conrad Hilton told me this morning."
"Because we don't want to go to McCann."
"It's more than that. You know Bert's done for."
"You want to work there?"
"I was wrong. I learned that with Hilton. I can sell ideas, but I'm not an account man."
"I value my relationship with you."
"I do."
"We have to try."
"I'll be up."
"You want me to go, too?"
"Come on, Bets. What are you doing seeing a lawyer?"
"You haven't been yourself. Maybe you need to see a doctor. A good one."
"You've had a tough couple of weeks. We all have."
"Well, forget it, I'm not going to let you break up this family."
"Close the door, have a seat."
"I couldn't sleep and I thought, why don't we go to McCann directly?"
"You're not even going to ask?"
"I want you to find out what the price was and give us a shot."
"Go ahead. It's the only thing you did well here."
"Jesus, that's right. You have absolute authority to fire anyone, fire us. Fire us, sever our contracts, let us go."
"Because once this sale goes through, you'll be thrown overboard and you'll be a corpse knocking against their hull."
"So we're negotiating. We'll put your name on the door."
"No."
"Obtain? We have to steal everything."
"Do we vote or something?"
"Alison, Mr. Price has requested an office wide memo. The office is closed this weekend. All work suspended. Carpet cleaning. Can you get me Mr. Campbell?"
"Call his house, it's important. Peggy, my office."
"Shut the door, sit down."
"They're selling the company."
"I'm starting a new agency. I need you here Sunday evening to get your things and to help us collect whatever accounts we end up taking."
"Yes."
"Why do you need to know that?"
"I can't tell you. Peggy, we are being bought by McCann. Do you know what that means?"
"I'm not going to beg you."
"Fine. I'm asking you."
"I guess I'll have to talk to Kurt and Smitty."
"How are you?"
"And how are you? We've been calling all day."
"We're fine."
"We're not firing you."
"Pete, we're starting a new agency. We're here to talk to you about joining us."
"Pete, I don't blame you for bailing out the way you've been treated."
"It's not hard for me to say it, Pete. You saw this coming, we didn't. In fact, you've been ahead on a lot of things. Aeronautics, teenagers, the negro market. We need you to keep us looking forward. I do, anyway."
"There's not going to be a lobby."
"We'll make you a partner if you can deliver by Sunday."
"We'll leave the name and the title as a goal, like it or not, that works with you."
"Welcome aboard."
"It's not an option. Goodnight."
"I can't believe he was going to leave."
"Not in this place."
"I need an attorney. Divorce."
"What are you talking about?"
"Who?"
"I need you to tell me what you know."
"Are they sleeping together?"
"Wake up."
"I don't care. Who the hell is Henry Francis?"
"Who the hell is he?"
"Because you're good and everyone else in the world is bad."
"You're so hurt, so brave, with your little white nose in the air. All along, you've been building a life raft."
"You never forgave me."
"You got everything you ever wanted. Everything, and you loved it! And now I'm not good enough for some spoiled mainline brat."
"You won't get a nickel and I'll take the kids. God knows they'll be better off."
"You're a whore. You know that?"
"It'll just be temporary."
"Yes."
"No. It has nothing to do with you. That's not what I mean. I love you both, you know that."
"I'm not going. I'm just living elsewhere."
"Sally, sweetheart."
"I will, it's just a different home."
"Listen to me, both of you. I will be here. You can call me and I will answer and I will be here. Sally. Sally."
"Nobody wants to do this, but I need you to be a big boy."
"Can I come in?"
"Yes I do. You were right. I've taken you for granted and I've been hard on you, but only because I think I see you as an extension of myself and you're not."
"Please, sit down."
"Do you know why I don’t go to McCann?"
"Because there are people out there who buy things, people like you and me, and something happened. Something terrible. And the way that they saw themselves is gone. And nobody understands that, but you do. And that's very valuable."
"With you or without you, I'm moving on. And I don't know if I can do it alone. Will you help me?"
"No. I won't spend the rest of my life trying to hire you." [Possibly "No. I will spend the rest of my life trying to hire you."]
"Sorry I'm late."
"Joan, what a good idea. We'll you're here, what'd you bring?"
"Clearisil?"
"I'll go start my office."
"I'm at the Roosevelt, but I'll need you to find me an apartment."
"For the time being."
"Go ahead fellas."
"I never saw myself working in a place like this."
"Thank you, Trudi."
"There's food."
"It's me. I'm not sure where I'm staying right now, but I'll be working out of the Pierre."
"Listen, Bets, I want you to know I'm not going to fight you."
"I hope you get what you always wanted."
"OK. Well, goodbye."
"How was your morning?"

###

Possibly related posts:

2008 Election Look Back

aaron cohen — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 18:28:01 +0000

Last year, I spent about a month putting together this 2008 Election Round Up of reactions, articles, thoughts, videos, etc. It's fun looking back at it now and actually using it the way it was intended. It seems like a year was a long time ago and yet not that long ago. I'm not sure how many of the links are broken now, but take a look through it and pass it on.

###

Possibly related posts:

Everything Don Draper Said Season 2

aaron cohen — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 10:41:39 +0000

As mentioned last week, Everything Don Draper Said (Season 1) follows up on Everything Tracy Jordan Said Seasons 1, 2, and 3. This season is only around 7500 words (as opposed to Season 1's 10K words), but you're still gonna lose a morning if you try to read it all at once. Stay tuned, more coming soon from your favorite television characters. In any case, this fall is going to feature some fun Everything They Said projects... Without further adieu.

Episode 1
"Yeah, I eat a lot of apples."
"What's the number?"
"Dead, both."
"My dad was 41, 42, he died in an accident. My mother died in childbirth. She was 22, I think."
"Everything? Depends on the day."
"3."
"5."
"Yes."
"What do you mean?"
"How do you feel?"
"Nope, no, I've been good."
"How is it?"
"Makes you feel better about sitting in a bar at lunch. Makes you feel like you're getting something done."
"Is it good?"
"Any calls?"
"Of course."
"What do we have?"
"I can almost picture it."
"So it's about an airline that's flown by Indians. Maybe a plane with some arrows stuck in the cargo door? That's funny. That's what gets people attention now, right? There has to be advertising for people who don't have a sense of humor."
"What else you got?"
"Stop writing for other writers."
"What's outside that window?"
"I get on a plane, I don't care where I'm going, I just want to see the city disappearing behind me."
"That Indian, that's not about the majestic beauty of the Mohawk nation. It's about adventure. Could be a pirate. Could be a knight in shining armor. Could be a conquistador getting off a boat. It's about a fantastical people who are taking you someplace you've never been. Blah, blah, blah, blah."
"You want to get on a plane to feel alive. You want to get on a place to see just the hint of a woman's thigh because her skirt is just this much too short."
"So I guess I'm helping both of us."
"For what purpose?"
"Well, young campaigns don't necessarily come from young people."
"So what am I supposed to do, dangle a Pepsi out the window and see if I can hook a stroller?"
"This sounds like accounts to me."
"You want younger people than that?"
"Tell Duck, clients don't understand. Their success is related to standing out, not fitting in. It's a fad. Paint them a picture, uh, something like one wants to be the needle in the haystack, not a haystack."
"You're talking as if they're some fresh version of us. They're not. Young people don't know anything, especially that they're young."
"I know."
"Don't worry, we will be out of here before the singer starts."
"I don't think we have, Bets, Don Draper."
"Pleasure."
"I do."
"I don't think it's permanent."
"She's a party girl, Bets."
"Really."
"How stupid do you think I am?"
"How does room service sound?"
"Wow."
"Hold on."
"Hello, yes, this is Mr. Draper in room 804. Yes, can you send up some vishiswas and a BLT on white toast…"
"Scratch that, 2 shrimp cocktails."
"So, I have a lot of thoughts. How old are you?"
"Right, you're experienced, I got it. Are you married?"
"So, again, you both did everything together and yet you get paid more?"
"But, you contribute words?"
"I'm gonna ask you a question that was always asked of me when I was on job interviews."
"Have you ever been fired?"
"Book's good. By the way it has Julian Koenig's fingerprints all over it."
"Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Smith."
"That must happen all the time. You two share an office?"
"Of course not."
"Good. So now that I've given you your babies and Xerox machine, should I throw in a couple of elephants? I don’t want there to be any excuses when you can't bring in Martinson's Coffee."
"Send them in."
"Where are we?"
"Are you gonna underline the 'you'? For half the people it will be 'where are you going'?"
"Where the hell is Dale?"
"I don't know, sure, it's fine. It's obvious, I'm uninvolved."
"What about that?"
"No, she's right. Just because it has sentiment doesn't make it sentimental. We're talking about businessmen."
"Says who? Just so you know, the people who talk that way think that monkeys can do this. And they take all this monkey crap and just stick it in a briefcase completely aware that their success depends on something more than their shoeshine. You are the product. You feeling something. That's what sells. Not them. Not sex. They can't do what we do. And they hate us for it."
"Is that a question?"
"You can put that in your book."
"Take your hat off."
"Hey, Carla. Hey, BD."
"I am tired. Where's Mrs. Draper."
"Want a ride to the station?"
"Goodnight."
"Here, give it to me."
"I'm here, too."
"Hi. Bobby conked out, where were you?"
"Well, I was here."
"I did."
"Come on, show me what you learned in ballet."
""Now I am quietly waiting for the catastrophe of my personality to seem beautiful again. And interesting and modern. The country is gray and brown and white and trees. Snows and skies of laughter always diminishing. Less funny, not just darker, not just gray. It may be the coldest day of the year, what does he think of that? I mean, what do I? And if I do, perhaps I am myself again.""

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 2
"Traffic makes the parade look bigger."
"Colonel Glenn."
"I think he's a winner. Square jaw, false modesty, it looks like he just took off his letterman jacket."
"Turn it off. Pull all Mohawk ROP and anything in production, stop it."
"We don't want people opening up their morning paper and seeing a Mohawk ad next to a picture of a floating engine. The rest of you, stop crying, and figure out how we're going to hit the ground running in 3 weeks with new work."
"What's going on?"
"What?"
"Oh. God, I'm sorry to hear that."
"What people do. Go home."
"I don't know. I suppose."
"You just had a shock. I wouldn't worry about what you're feeling. Go home and be with your family."
"Because that's what people do."
"Yes."
"Yes."
"You should go home."
"I'll cancel it. It's not hurting anything."
"There's life and there's work."
"I spoke with Hank LaMotte over at Mohawk."
"He says they can weather it out. I always get the feeling that man opens his front door and money comes in."
"He picked up the phone? What's going on over there?"
"What does that mean?"
"What's it been four, three hours since the plane went down? You'll have to forgive me for not looking at a bunch of bodies in Jamaica Bay and not seeing the opportunity."
"We already have an airline."
"Oh, that's right, we have the one whose planes didn't just fall out of the sky."
"Am I missing something? Did you sign American during this phone call?"
"Oh a foothold, well, I'd do anything for a foothold."
"We have a good client who trusts us, who likes our work, who pays their bills on time. They don't deserve to be thrown out the door for a wink from American."
"Anything else?"
"What is this?"
"Oh, Bets, didn't we just do that?"
"I'm gonna lie down for a minute."
"Muddled, that means smash it."
"Go take mommy and Francine's orders. Bobby, that is your last one. Alright, come on, go, watch TV."
"That's true."
"I don't think we know her."
"Carlton."
"I'm enjoying this story so far, but I have a feeling it's not going to end well."
"What do you wanna hear?"
"OK, you don't smash the cherry on that. Just plop it in at the end. Try to keep it at the top of the glass. Gin."
"No more Cedars."
"Everything's great. Go back to bed."
"Come on. Do what your mother says."
"Said they saw a ghost. He was scared."
"It really looked like him."
"My whole art department is run on tracing paper, why reinvent the wheel?"
"Carlton's put on a few."
"I wouldn't say that."
"OK. Maybe he is."
"Look, Bets, I'm not gonna fight. I'll say whatever you think I should say, but I'm not gonna fight with you."
"Can you come in here with the papers I asked for?"
"Why would I do that?"
"And that gets us a pitch?"
"He has nothing. And this is more of it. It's desperate."
"We have an airline. What kind of company are we gonna be?"
"I can't believe I look like an idiot for wanting to be loyal to these people."
"What do you want, Campbell?"
"It's not a good time."
"Thanks."
"Henry. Sit down, can I get you anything?"
"Sterling Cooper has decided to end it's relationship with Mohawk Airlines."
"I'm sorry. It wasn't my decision."
"I wish things hadn't worked out this way."

Episode 3
"Ken."
"Why don't you get your room? We have a whole storeroom full of Luckies."
"Woah."
"How bad was it?"
"Did you laugh in front of the Schillings?"
"Perfect."
"Has anyone tried to save this yet, besides Leopold and Loeb over here?"
"Well, I'm sure he'll feel real bad about it tonight and give her a call."
"Jimmy Barrett is a known quantity."
"Fix what exactly?"
"Come on, Cosgrove should have told me they were here, I would have never let her near the set."
"I'm going to talk to the Schilling, then I'm gonna explain the facts of life to Jimmy."
"At the printers."
"Lois. Close the door. Sit down. No. Stand. I'd like to find a way not to be cruel, but I don't think it'd be serving either one of us."
"It's nice to see that you care about something. Are you trying to think of what you could possibly say to make up for what's happened here?"
"I think you're not suited for this job."
"In addition to being incompetent, you threaten my reputation and not just today."
"You do not cover for me, you manage people's expectations."
"You really want that?"
"You're not suited for this job, it's not an insult, it's just the way it is."
"Stick to the switchboard, please tell Ms. Holloway on the way out."
"Ms. Holloway, good morning."
"Did she leave everything in a condition you could follow?"
"What can I tell?"
"No, I want someone who will be happy with that job."
"Sure. Is Jimmy Barrett shooting today?"
"What time do they start?
"Wake me at 3:30."
"Not if everything's running smoothly."
"I think there's been plenty of drinking here."
"Jimmy around?"
"Isn't that our tuxedo?"
"Great, so let's go talk to him."
"Oh, I'm sorry, in the pitch, you were introduced as his wife."
"Wife, manager, someone should have kept a lid on him yesterday."
"Mrs. Barrett…"
"He can come in here with vomit in his pockets for all I care, but these people are his benefactors. Like the Medicis of Florence, they're patrons of his art."
"I want you to imagine something that Jimmy obviously can't. The Schillings were very excited to see their favorite comedian."
"No one was laughing."
"You are aware that all of this can go away. No more free tuxedos."
"Tell Jimmy I need to talk to him."
"Really?"
"Well, he has been. So what do you suggest I do."
"Wife. So whose going to have a talk with him, you or me?"
"Let me drive you over."
"It's raining."
"Hail."
"Bobbie."
"I don't want to do this."
"Hey, you."
"Fine."
"I'm fine."
"Ask me what?"
"No?"
"You can ride me around the den."
"Ah, Bets, thank you."
"I'll be right back."
"Hello, it's Don Draper, can you talk?"
"How are you?"
"No, I wanted to invite both of you to dinner, Monday night."
"I was thinking Lutece. It will be formal. Can you get him there?"
"My wife, the Schillings, you."
"What do you want?"
"In my home. With my children."
"Hey! How was it?"
"Come in here."
"I don't care."
"Listen, how do you feel about Lutece, Monday night."
"And you get to meet Jimmy Barrett."
"Business. Hunt Schilling from Utz Potato Chips and wives."
"You need to charm him, I need you to be shiny and bright. I need a better half."
"You have plans?"
"Birdie, we'll go there alone another time."
"Controversy means viewers. Women will find a way to watch this. Maybe just because they don't want to get left out."
"It's catharsis. That's hard to come by. What is better than tears to make a girl ready to hear she can be beautiful."
"Well, there are limits out of what you can get out of daytime."
"Well, we thought you should know about it."
"We all work for someone."
"Edith, please, he wants to apologize."
"This is my wife, Betty. Betty, this is Bobbie and Jimmy Barrett."
"Nice to see you again, Jimmy. You remember Hunt and Edith Schilling?"
"I'm sorry, can you excuse me a moment."
"Do I? I'm not feeling great."
"I'm gonna be brief because I don't like leaving him alone out there."
"They're being polite. The window for this apology is closing. It needs to happen before the appetizers or they will leave."
"So what is this all about?"
"Believe me. I will ruin him. Do what I say."
"Don't get up."
"Excuse me."
"Bets, you alright?"
"What's wrong?"

Episode 4
"Cancel."
"Cancel."
"I don't know. I had an amazing dream."
"Get out, we're sleeping."
"Out."
"Out!"
"Thank you, Jeeves."
"He makes everything sound like Christmas."
"I thought we weren't doing anything today?"
"I hate to think about your reputation in high school."
"Feet, I thought those were water-skis."
"Go, go, go, go."
"No, of course, send her in."
"Mrs. Barrett, to what do I owe the pleasure."
"Not sure how they do it in show business, but around here we have this nifty gadget called and appointment book."
"What did Jimmy do now, ask Eleanor Roosevelt how fast her husband ran the 100 yard dash?"
"Busy."
"Congratulations."
"Let me call for some ice."
"What is it?"
"It's derivative, with a twist. That's what they're looking for."
"That's cute."
"ABC's sick about losing Candid Camera, but you'd have to get Jimmy out of his contract with Utz."
"Show needs a national sponsor, Utz won't do you any good."
"They don't care. But they could be told that their spots would have more punch wherever they air if Jimmy's on a hit television show."
"I'm not interested in doing that."
"But I can't talk to the Schillings."
"What's this?"
"Bobbie, I have work."
"You need to shave."
"What happened?"
"I don't."
"Where is he?"
"Mommy says you broke the HiFi, I believe her. Don't do that again."
"He knows he did something wrong."
"That's not the way it works."
"Can I get something to eat?"
"I'll do it."
"Draper residence."
"It's Sunday morning, where else would I would be?"
"That was Duck Phillips on the phone, American Airlines moved up their presentation."
"So I have to go in."
"Send Sally to Francine's."
"Betty had her hands full today. Sally, be good for Ms Holloway. Keep her away from the paper cutter."
"I'm not ready to do that yet."
"Creative. In my office."
"I don't care if we're just selling a point of view. But we have to commit to one thing. They don't like wiggle room. They like to see us blowing up bridges behind us."
"Where's that list Duck's buddy Shell gave us of all the things that make American different."
"It equates what should be a glamorous job with being a waitress in a tin can. Where's the bar of soap, the ticket sleeves, whose doing the in-flight menu."
"This is in French, how do I know it's right?"
"Make up a chef."
"Peggy, did you pick out a china pattern yet? Did you find the one from the Queen Mary?
"I don't know."
"We got a lot of bricks, but I don't know what the building looks like."
"Come on, up, up."
"Goodnight, ladies. Thanks for babysitting."
"It's over."
"And we have to deliver a stillborn baby."
"Here. You should have this."
"We hired him to bring in new business, not lose old business."
"It's Good Friday."
"It didn't."
"No. How was your day?"
"Is that what you wanted?"
"I pay the bills, the clothes on your back, the damn stables."
"What about Carla, doesn't she count?"
"You want me to bring home what I got at the office today? I'll put you though that window."
"Bobby, it's not a good time."
"It's OK. Dad's get mad sometimes."
"He did."
"Like me, but bigger."
"Ham. And this candy, that tasted violets. Had a beautiful purple and silver package."
"I told you, he was a farmer."
"A long time ago."
"Come here."
"What do you wanna here?"
"Bets, you do whatever you want."
"He's a little kid. My father beat the hell out of me. All it did was make me fantasize about the day I could murder him."
"And I wasn't half as good as Bobby."

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 5
"Joan."
"Well, there's your answer."
"Ms Holloway, those aren't wedding bells."
"Thank you."
"Bobbie."
"How are you?"
"I'm in my office, where you called me. You sound a little tipsy."
"Congratulations, you got an order?"
"And why would I come?"
"I'm working."
"No. Let's not confuse this."
"Was there even a party?"
"Maybe he doesn't understand how big this is."
"Ms. Mencken."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Mrs. Barrett's husband is a comedian who works with me."
"So how are things at Gray? They still taking credit for everything we did?"
"Should we go elsewhere?"
"No, it's fine."
"Steak tartar."
"Hearts of palm salad, steak tartar."
"I think you're wrong about that."
"You really do his business, don't you?"
"Negotiating is a bore."
"What do you mean?"
"The answer is huge."
"Yes. Yes I do."
"I do."
"Movies."
"La Note."
"I don't feel a thing."
"May I?"
"I have $63 and some subway tokens. I'll mail you the rest."
"Let me call a cab and I'll send an employee out here with the $500 tomorrow morning."
"What is the problem?"
"Bobbie, stay up."
"What do you think?"
"You can drop me off at Grand Central."
"Peggy, do you have a roommate?"
"Idlewild is better. The Cross Island or the Belt Parkway."
"Leave her alone. No one in the office can know about this. It's business."
"I was in an accident."
"By the time I could call, I didn't want to wake you."
"I went to the doctor a while ago and I have high blood pressure."
"It's fine, except he gave me a prescription. And I think the pills mixed with the drinks was too much. I lost control of the car."
"I didn't want to worry you."
"What did you want me to do? Have you come down there? Ask Francine in the middle of the night to watch your kids because your husband is in the drunk tank?"
"I was solving a problem, Bets, I need a clear head, you can't get all hysterical. I didn't know you were waiting up."
"I have to get changed and go in."
"I don't want anyone to know about this. I rented a car. I'll have to get my car."
"I'll swing by Dr. McGladdery on the way in. Just help me get dressed. OK?"
"Morning."
"I'm not paying attention anymore until they're here a month."
"I missed the bottom step. It's an old house."
"Why?"
"Is he upset about something?"
"I want you to put him off a few days, let him cool. He'll make more sense."
"I'll handle it."
"Get the door."
"Is everything OK?"
"Is she awake?"
"Put her on."
"Why not?"
"I don't know. Jimmy called. He wants to meet with me."
"So you don't know anything about this?"
"I do, are you OK?"
"It's going to be better."
"Yes, I am."
"You got a promotion and disappeared. Your Christmas present is sitting on your desk. I called your head and your roommate gave me your mother's number."
"Your mother told me you were quarantined. TB. I guess that was supposed to lessen my concern."
"What's wrong with you?"
"What do they want you to do?
"Yes you do. Do it. Do whatever they say. Peggy, listen to me. Get out of here and move forward. This never happened. It will shock you how much it never happened."
"I did my work."
"I don't know, Ms. Olson, do you need some help?"
"Yes, you will."
"Yes?"
"Don't let it happen again."
"What?"
"Oh. Right."
"Here. I'll give you $50 tomorrow. I guess when you try to forget something, you have to forget everything."
"Jimmy. Mrs Barrett, you look good."
"Old football injury."
"Have a seat."
"My pleasure."
"Well, why would I do that?"
"You didn't have to come all the way in here to say that. I know that."
"OK."
"I made it."
"Where's the salt? What, Bets, no salt?"

Episode 6
"You asking me if I've seen this before? They've been running it for 10 years."
"They shouldn't be. Maidenform is a dream, but Playtex is a bra."
"Why now? Sales are strong."
"I like a happy client, although you'd think someone would be able to talk them out of jumping onto a bandwagon as solid as this."
"Why because their share of the market keeps increasing?"
"Thank you for that. Just for fun, let's say we're looking for new and by new, I mean old Maidenform. Peggy, you dig around Playtex's unique benefits."
"Tell them you couldn't get a hold of me."
"Good. How are you, Crab?"
"I don't mind watching."
"I hadn't heard about that. I guess you PR men have the best PR."
"Yeah, what happened over there?"
"You handled that, huh?"
"Everybody's happy."
"Really?"
"I have to go."
"People will be working. I should stop by."
"Call me from the emergency room."
"Room 301. Oh, you're there. Good."
"Your son?"
"Los Angeles. That's far away."
"Don't do that."
"No."
"I'll call you."
"Restful."
"Is that why you're here? Concerned for my wellbeing? Here's your cigarette. Be on your way."
"What are you talking about?"
"I have."
"Where are we?"
"We? Are you on Playtex?"
"Are you sure about that?"
"Well put."
"That is an idea. And an impressive presentation."
"Irene Dunn."
"Peggy, you're gonna have company on this. Congratulations, Kinsey, you forced your way onto an account."
"Whose the new account man?"
"We're laying track I think you can bring the train in tomorrow."
"Two sides of one woman. Jackie by day, Marilyn by night. Maybe it's two girls."
"She's in charge."
"Thought you all were listening, let's go."
"No. It's just I wasn't really planning on coming back after lunch. Any way we can have this conversation now?"
"That's quite a playing field you have there."
"I thought maybe your secretary was better than mine."
"18 months in? We can't be that unusual."
"You've been pitching more to me than you have to clients."
"It means, you been selling their ideas to me, more than mine to them."
"So, what, you're covering for me? Who am I in this story?"
"What do you want me to say? That we're on the same team? That I love being in your unit? Sarge, I'm scared?"
"Yes. Of course we can. And I will tell Roger we had lunch."
"You don't want to know."
"A little after 4."
"Daughter? Is that everyone?"
"How much preparation do you need?"
"I took the afternoon off."
"You can go."
"I would never leave you alone in my place."
"What's that?"
"No, that."
"Can I speak to you a minute?"
"Where you going in that?"
"You asked me if I liked it, I don't."
"I'm talking about a 15 year old lifeguard. I'm talking about a bunch of tennis pros. Not to mention all those loafing millionaires taking the summer off. You want to be ogled?"
"It's desperate."
"I have to go. See you tonight."
"Jacqueline Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe. Women have feelings about these women because men do. Because we want both, they want to be both. It's about how they want to be seen by us, their husbands, they boyfriends, their friend's husbands. Here's the idea, very simply. The bra is called 'the Harlequin'. In fit and form, it should be your very best. It comes in black. And white. Jackie. Marilyn. Same incredible fit, two different women. And the beauty of it is, it's the same woman. Same model."
"And even if you don't notice it, you still get a bit of an a ha when you read the copy. 'Nothing fits both sides of a woman better than Playtex."
"So will your customers, it's a very flattering mirror."
"I couldn't have said it better myself."
"It's yours. We'll keep it on file for you."
"Don't worry, it's not your fault."
"I think we bought a couple years of security. If they ever decide to go that way, they know we can do it."
"Stop talking."
"Do I?"
"No."
"You're spoiling the mood."
"Are you talking about me?"
"Well who was?"
"I don't know who you're talking about."
"Does it make you feel better to think that I'm like you?
"I told you to stop talking."
"Grapefruit."
"Hey, you."
"You know what, Sally? I think you better leave me alone."

Episode 7
"Something like that."
"I had a Dodge."
"Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Don’t you want to hold onto these?"
"This is the 1950 model. It's quite different under the hood."
"Charlie, this car is two years old with only 25 thousand miles on it. It's what you want. This must be Mrs. Wheatley. Why don't you sit in it again. You two talk. Can I help you, ma'am."
"Yes I am. If it's about my circular, many of the models are gone, but, uh, I'm sure we could find you something."
"Excuse me?"
"Yes."
"No. Thank you."
"Good."
"Did she leave a message?"
"Yes."
"I don't think she cries at night from lack of attention."
"Send him in."
"They changed it."
"It's hard for them to do a lot of new work."
'We'll find out."
"Just a minute."
"I don't know. If I fill you full of anymore confidence, you'll burst."
"Leave her alone. Let's go."
"OK."
"That's a beautiful sentiment. Does your friend know what you do for a living?"
"Students for a Democratic Society? That's a hell of a focus group."
"It's idealistic, that's nice."
"You just want to be selling Martinson's Coffee?"
"Young people do not drink coffee and that can become a lifetime habit. Now, we're aware that unsuccessful attempts have been made, puppets and so forth, to capture the attention of youth."
"But there's an old saying. When one is in Indian country, one needs a man who knows Indians. Mr. Smith."
"It's definitely more than a jingle."
"If you sign, we'll tell you."
"You want me to send for something for you?"
"We'll be right there."
"Thanks again."
"Thank you. I didn't do it alone."
"That's nice. What is it?"
"Do they need a campaign?"
"If you say so."
"I will."
"A little."
"Wayne, I would like to buy this car."
"You like it?"
"Slide over."
"That is a headlight sensor. It automatically dims the lights as you approach another car."
"It was expensive."
"I do."
"Anytime you want."
"He called here? He should have gone through my secretary."
"Not in here."
"Is Bobby in the car again?"
"So I don't understand. You'd rather play checkers than my look at the clouds game?"
"I don't want it jammed between my seats."
"We should only do this."
"Go behind the tree there, no one's looking."
"I think everybody should go before we get in the car."
"You kids are lucky. When I was a little boy, back on the farm, we had an outhouse way out in the yard. And the nights when there was no moon, there was this rope and you had to feel for it in the dark and pull yourself across."
"We should probably get going if we don't want to hit traffic."
"Check their hands."
"Believe me, they're saying that about you."
"I do."
"Very little."
"Hello, Mrs. Barrett."
"Not yet. Why don't I get us some drinks."
"I'll do it."
"Of course, Jimmy will need a Rolex, I suppose."
"Betty's not feeling well."
"I don't know if that's possible, Jimmy."
"I'll tell everyone I know."
"Excuse me?"
"I don't know what you think happened."

Episode 8
"When did you get up?"
"Is it still Saturday?"
"I thought you were gonna call an electrician?"
"Sounds like you could do it."
"OK. OK. Bets, come here. Look, you've got a week before this party and it doesn't have to be a big deal. Carla will help you."
"Birdy, I'll fix it."
"At the fact that you don't use their product?"
"So what's the problem?"
"Did you explain to them that there's a market that's actually excited about Heineken being imported? For women entertaining in the home, Holland is Paris. They can buy this sophisticated beer and proudly walk it into the kitchen instead of hiding it in the garage."
"OK. We'll go up and down the Hudson, northern New Jersey, Connecticut, the cash belt. Set up a few end aisle displays at the A&Ps, away from the other beer, surrounded by cheese and crackers and toothpicks with cellophane tips."
"Oh, I'd worry more disappointing Roger, he seemed to think it was more important that we sit down with Crab Colson and believe me I'm sure my wife would rather go see a movie."
"Crab, can I get you another one of those?"
"Roger?"
"Hello, Duck."
"This is Bobby. Bobby, shake Mr. Phillips' hand."
"Nobody cares."
"Of course this is Petra and Crab Colson."
"Can I get you something?"
"Did you take the Saw Mill?"
"No."
"I'm not even allowed to pick where I sit."
"Goodnight, Carla."
"Hey."
"What are you talking about?
"What did I do?"
"So what?"
"Bets, I use our life all the time in my work. They pay me for that."
"Come on. You're taking this the wrong way."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."
"No one is going to remember that. You know what they're going to remember? Petra Colson missing her chair. Come on, leave this. You're tired, let's go upstairs."
"Betty, I can't talk to you when you're like this. You're making a mountain out of a molehill."
"What?"
"What?"
"Betty, that's ridiculous."
"Fine, Bets, what do you know? Go ahead. Tell me."
"Jimmy. He hates me."
"Oh, please. What the hell did he say?"
"I'm not gonna dignify Jimmy Barrett with a response, he's a big mouth. And don't pretend I don't know how he looks at you."
"You think I would sleep with that woman?"
"There's nothing to admit."
"I'm going to bed."
"Morning."
"Did she?"
"OK. Bye bye."
"Phil, good to see you as always."
"We targeted a few wealthy suburban markets with woman friendly end aisle displays."
"The sample was very small, but what we put out, sold well. More important was who it sold to. This is an untapped market, where you dictate the competition."
"No, but it's what I've been pushing for."
"Why would I lie? Where the ones who are gonna have to deliver."
"Hello?"
"Where are the kids?"
"What happened here?"
"Would you stop? How much have you had to drink?"
"What are you doing, Bets?"
"I didn't do anything."
"What time is it?"
"Me either."
"Nothing happened."
"Yes I do."
"Yes I do. You know I do. I say it all the time."
"Oh, God, no. I love you, Bets. I do. And I love the children. I don't want to lose all this."
"I gotta take this."
"Hello?"
"What?"
"Betty."

Episode 9
"Peggy."
"Hollis."
"I can't say I'm surprised, the few things I know about her."
"Suicide is disturbing."
"Yes, that's true."
"I already had some."
"Do you need to go home?"
"Morning, fellas. Is this program already in progress?"
"Yes, tell me everything."
"I am."
"Why don't you bore me with the details."
"Kinsey, I want you to pull every intern and lackey. Switchboard, elevator men. Find out who wants to be a copywriter for the day. A dollar a head."
"The people giving blood. This is for mankind, Kinsey."
"Helping another human being. Also, there will be women fainting. I'd think you'd like that."
"What an elegant surrender. And put up some more posters, I can't believe I have to say that to you people."
"Good."
"We'd love to, but my kid is sick. You'll know what that means soon enough."
"What do we have today?"
"I assume to have it bleed into the cocktail hour."
"What happened?"
"Mrs. Draper is working out some things."
"I thought it would be over by now, I guess, and there'd be no need to…"
"It goes without saying that this is personal and I'd appreciate you keeping it that way."
"I'd also avoid giving me concerned looks."
"I don't know you at all and this is personal and it's not up for discussion."
"I'm at the Roosevelt if there's an emergency."
"Goodnight."
"It'll go by like that. Come here. It won't be that long Salamander. Go."
"Listen, she called my office."
"Monday."
"You said you didn't want me here and then you do."
"Obviously that's impossible. What do you want to do? I mean how long is this going to go on? We have to tell them something."
"OK, how about, 'I'm working on an account, they're putting me up in Philadelphia, but I'll be home every weekend."
"Or I could just come home."
"Bets, what do you want?"
"Listen, if you're mind's made up, I'm not gonna talk you into it."
"And a bearclaw. What's this?"
"Thank you. Submit your receipt."
"You're not a fainter, are you?"
"Oh. I'm usually part of the meeting before the meeting."
"What?"
"Really? How'd the presentation go?"
"Of Freddy Rumson?"
"Is that necessary?"
"But it didn't."
"Duck's a teetotaler, he's been gunning for Freddy since day one."
"I don't think it's in my contract that Duck can fire someone in my department."
"He'll know what that means. I don't want to throw him away."
"I'll make it."
"Good."
"What are you doing?"
"That's none of your business. Freddy had a bad day. Can't you find something else to do besides dining on the drama of other people's lives like a bunch of teenage girls?"
"Sure, it's just a man's name, right?"
"Full salary. You dry out and come back. We'll see where we are."
"That's impressive."
"It's the best thing, Freddy."
"You know I'll recommend you."
"There's a lot of great towns."
"Absolutely."
"Tilden Katz."
"Obviously."
"You're so good at this, why don't you quit your job?"
"I think I'm glad I'm not that kid."
"No, I'm fine. Thank you."
"Send off Freddy? I had to send off Freddy."
"Roger. There's nothing to talk about."
"Roger, will you stop?"
"Why?"
"I think that's gonna do it for me."
"Good."
"I don't know. Thank you, Fredy. It means a lot."
"I don't know, it sounded like you had a plan."
"It's not an ending. It's a fresh start."
"Where do you live, Freddy?"
"No matter what he says, take him there."
"Goodnight, Freddy."
"I'm the opposite."
"It was a real Archibald Whitman maneuver."
"This hothead drunk I used to know."
"I'm at the Roosevelt."
"I really don't want to discuss it, Roger."
"No, I don't feel bad at all. I mean, sometimes. Mostly I'm just relieved."
"That'd be easier. Then I'd know what to do."
"Why not?"
"I don't know. It's your life. You don't know how long it's gonna be, but you know it's got a bad ending. As soon as you can figure out what that is."
"I mean, this can't be it, right?"
"That's true."
"Close the door."
"That was quite a presentation you gave. The Samsonite people are thrilled."
"They've requested that you be reassigned as the copywriter on their account."
"Freddy's decided to take a few months off."
"It doesn't matter, you'll be taking over all of his business."
"You know I really don't like walking into an ambush from Duck and Pete Campbell."
"Even me."
"What's your point? Don't feel bad about being good at your job."
"That's the way it happened. Congratulations."
"Hello, Mona. Jane, it's OK."
"What?"
"About what?"
"Roger?"
"Mona, I didn't say anything."
"Mona, I didn't mean it that way."
"I want her off my desk."

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 10
"Sounds like a hell of a stock portfolio."
"As much as I'd like to indulge your Twilight Zone fantasy of being shot into space…"
"…This is a business trip, I don't want either of you coming back tan."
"As long as you lose. Crab Colson guarantees there will be some astronauts there."
"You're there to sell, but you're also there to listen. Every scientist, engineer, and general is trying to figure out a way to put a man on the moon, or blow up Moscow, whichever one costs more. We have to explain to them how we can help them spend that money."
"Campbell, you do the talking. Kinsey, you do the listening."
"No. They are the customer. They want aerospace in their districts. Let them know that we can help them bring these contracts home. Did you read anything that she prepared? Maybe I should send her."
"Hello?"
"What time is it?"
"No."
"Jesus."
"Is it bad?"
"I'm coming to get you."
"Bets, it's not up for discussion. Take the kids to Francine."
"Fine, I'll be by in the morning."
"Everything's gonna be OK."
"I'll be by at 8."
"We can get a room down the road at the William Penn."
"Sorry about your dad."
"Good to see you, Gene."
"With a neighbor."
"I'm here. You want a drink?"
"Yes."
"All the time."
"It's OK."
"Come on."
"Birdie, you should eat."
"You want me to lay everything out for you?"
"Morning everyone. Gene."
"No, this will be fine. And coffee."
"Hello, Viola."
"I'm gonna make some calls."
"Put these upstairs?"
"I'll go get the kids."
"I'm gonna take a shower."
"What?"
"Really?"
"Bets, you're upset."
"I think I should be here for you."
"What do you want me to say? I want to be here. You need me here."
"Hello, Donna."
"Of course."
"About how those things are. Joan, if you don't mind, could I borrow you for a moment?
"Cancel everything."
"No, clear the week."
"Memorable, thank you."
"I'm leaving for California tomorrow for the Rocket Fair."
"Not yet."
"She's been doing it so far."
"I'll need you to send a memo to Mr. Kinsey explaining this change of plans."
"I did."
"What did Ricardo in there say?"
"And fill it with my things?"
"There's not going to be any swimming."
"You want to be the 100th person to shake someone's hand at some convention, for what, a free pen?"
"Forget Santa Monica, take your list, target some of these guy and make them feel special. Didn't Roger give you leads?"
"I'm gonna need some glasses."
"You want to be on vacation, Pete? Cause I can make that happen."
"Old fashioned."
"Why?"
"No."
'No."
"Don."
"I am."
"Maybe another time."
"Pete, this is Joy, and Rocky, and the Count Mon De Forte."
"Yes."
"Handing out towels?"
"Whose for dinner?"
"Are all of our meetings like this?"
"Go see if General Dynamics beat us here. Drop these by the front desk. You don't want them under your arm."
"Hello."
"Yes."
"I don't know about that."
"No."
"Who lives here?"
"I think I should go inside."
"Where am I?"
"What are you doing?"
"No, it's OK. I just need some water and some aspirin."
"Who are these people?"
"What are you all doing here?"
"No."
"I don't know how to answer that."
"New York."
"Or I'm a really good spy."
"So I assume you're all well off."
"I played some football in high school."
"Athens."
"Oslo."
"Adresso."
"How old are you?"
"I'm 36."
"Who are you?"
"What are you reading?"
"So you're in school?"
"Is it good?"
"That's your father?"
"Why?"
"Will I?"
"Joy."
"Hello. Hello, there."
"You can have it."
"Hello, it's Dick Whitman."
"Yeah."
"I'd love to see you. Soon."
"No, I didn't bring it with me."
"See you soon."

Episode 12
"Why would you bring that up?"
"It's a simple misunderstanding, there's a lot of men with my name."
"Car title, apartment lease."
"In a safe deposit box."
"I don't know what to say. There's been a mistake."
"I have to get back to work."
"He died. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry."
"He never said he had a wife."
"I'm very, very sorry."
"He was killed in combat."
"They thought I was him and he was me. I didn't think I was hurting anyone."
"I just had to get out of there. What are you gonna do to me."
"I didn't know him long. Maybe. What's your name?"
"I don't know what to say. I'm making good money, if that’s… I know I owe you more than money. I have his purple heart and his dog-tags if you want them."
"Dick Whitman."
"I can come back."
"I don't play."
"Hi."
"No. Business."
"I didn't even think about it. I didn't mean to intrude. I can…"
"No."
"Can I take a shower and lie down?"
"These pants have a 38 inseam."
"I would like to meet him."
"It's beautiful here."
"You been in California too long."
"Sally is 8, Bobby is 5."
"I ruined everything. My family, my wife, my kids."
"My brother came to find me. I told him to go away."
"I've told you things I've never told Betty. Why does it have to be that way?"
"No. That would just confuse things."
"I don't know. I have been watching my life. It's right there. And I keep scratching at it trying to get into it. I can't."
"There's something else."
"I met a girl."
"She's so beautiful and happy. She's a model. And she's from a good family and she's educated."
"Elizabeth. Betty. I want you to meet her."
"I just like the way she laughs and the way she looks at me."
"I want to ask her to marry me."
"Well, I need you to give me a divorce."
"You should hire a lawyer out here. I'll pay for it. And I want you to know, I'm going to take care of you, forever."
"I do."
"This whole life, if it wasn't for Don, if it wasn't…"
"I guess so."
"I want to."
"Why?"
"You can be my cousin."
"Thank you, Anna."
"Is that a '34 Sedan?"
"What'd you do to it?"
"2 Fords and a Buick."
"What happened here?"
"No. But I remember these. I used to sell them, used."
"How fast does it go?"
"The color on that one. I never seen anything like it."
"Dick."
"You guys need any help? I'm looking for work."
"I don’t know, don't people…[problem with disc]"
"…"
"It's an ink-blot, you see what you want to see."
"Did you read it?"
"How about the cards? Should I be worried?"
"That can't be good."
"It's the end of the world."
"No, I don't."
"I can smell the ocean."
"Whose she?"
"That's a nice thought."
"What does it mean?"
"What if that's true?"
"People don't change."

Episode 13
"Half an hour. I didn't want to bother you."
"I had to have some time to think about things."
"Bets, I'd do anything I could to undo what happened."
"I was not respectful to you."
"I can't walk away from this. I want to be with you. I want to be together again."
"I need to see the kids."
"Hildie."
"Hello, Joan. It's good to be back. How are you?"
"Hello, Peggy."
"Sunny. Do I work for you now?"
"So, other than her office and haircut, is there anything new I need to know about?"
"The world continues without us. There's no reason to take it personally."
"I'll need the copywriters and Sal in here to get me up to speed. Call Roger in a half an hour and tell him I'll meet him in a half an hour. And Mr. Phillips, maybe I'll run into him in the men's room."
"Did she call?"
"I think that's enough to start."
"Trust me, I don't think there'll be a point in taking to the stairs or diving under a desk"
"Sorry I missed that."
"But you did."
"Did you ever think I left you there because I thought you could handle it? How did it go?"
"Then I was right, wasn't I? You handled it. Good work. I know you want everything the minute you want it. Sometimes it's better to wait until you're ready."
"Yes, you proved it. Now I have to play a little catchup ball."
"You wanted to see me?"
"I'll stack my absences up against yours any day."
"It was important. And from what I can see, the walls are still standing."
"What?"
"So, how much?"
"Duck was in a bar?"
"Any conflicts?"
"No, with the deal, but, congratulations."
"I guess so."
"We don't know what's really going on. You know that."
"I missed you, too."
"There's a roll away there for you, Bobby. And we can go to the movies or Chinese food."
"You want to join us?"
"Do you want to pick them up in my office tomorrow?"
"OK."
"It's delicious. You're crazy."
"What's wrong with root beer?"
"It'll take 45 minutes, you know?"
"From the look of this, that may be all I have."
"What?"
"How do you know that?"
"Why would he do that?"
"…[problem with disc]"
"…"
"Dear Betty, I'm sitting in the Roosevelt looking at the backs of Bobby and Sally's heads as they watch TV. I'm not letting them change the channel because watching the news makes me sick and they can see it. I think about you, and how I behaved and my regret. I know it's my fault why are you not here right now. I understand why you feel it's better to go on without me, and I know that you won't be alone for very long. But, without you, I'll be alone forever. I love you, Don."
"What? I think it sounds like a great agency, and I think that Duck is the man to run it. I just don't think I'll be a part of it."
"If this is the agency you want, Duck is the man for the job."
"I don't have a contract."
"Gentlemen, I sell products, not advertising. I can't see as far into the future as Duck, but if the world is still here on Monday, we can talk."
"You should go home as well."
"I don't need it. Goodnight."
"They finally went down."
"What?"

(Thanks for visiting Unlikely Words. If you liked what you read Subscribe to RSS, check out our About Page, read some of our favorite posts or follow us on Twitter)

###

Possibly related posts:

Everything Don Draper Said Season 1

aaron cohen — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 11:56:26 +0000

Following up on Everything Tracy Jordan Said Seasons 1, 2, and 3, I figured I'd celebrate one of my other favorite shows by giving you Everything Don Draper Said Season 1 (Season 2 coming next week).

It's over 10K words of Dreamy Don's dialogue, and unfortunately there's a more conversational lines than with Tracy Jordan. I was thinking about going through this and bolding the lines worth reading, but that turns this into more of a subjective exercise than I'm interested in. I hope you'll call out your favorites in the comments, though, if you ever get to the end. I suggest you bookmark and come back, or print out and read on the commute. True Mad Men fans have just lost a morning of work. Enjoy!

Episode 1
"Yeah, hey, do you have a light? Old Gold man, huh?"
"Can I ask you a question? Why do you smoke Old Gold?"
"No, we're actually just having a conversation, is that OK? Yeah. Do this again. Old Fashioned, please."
"So you obviously need to relax after working here all night?"
"But what is it? I mean, low tar? Those new filters? Why don't… why Old Gold?"
"So you're used to them, is that it?"
"I could never get you to try another brand, say, my Luckies."
"Alright, well, let's just say, tomorrow, a tobacco weevil comes and eats, every last Old Gold on the planet."
"It's a tragedy, would you just stop smoking."
"I love smoking, that's very good."
"Yeah, I heard about that."
"Yes they do."
"Am I interrupting anything?"
"How's it going?"
"Can I run a few ideas past you?"
"I'm having a situation with my cigarette account."
"Trade commission is cracking down on all of our health cares."
"Well, that's just it. The whole safer cigarette thing is over. No more doctors. No more testimonials. No more cough free, soothes your T zone, low tar, low nicotine, filter tip, nothing. All I have is a crush proof box and 4 out of 5 dead people smoked your brand."
"I don't want to go to school tomorrow."
"Midge, I'm serious. I have nothing. I am over and they're finally going to know it. Next time you see me they'll be a bunch of young executives picking meat off my ribs."
"What's your secret?"
"We should get married."
"I'm serious, you have your own business, you don't mind when I come over."
"What size Cadillac do you take?"
"Sterling's having the tobacco people in in 9 hours and I have nothing."
"You know there's this kid who comes by my office everyday, looks where he's going to put his plants."
"It's been on my mind."
"You worried?"
"So, you, uh, came here cause you wanted to watch me get dressed?"
"In body, give me about a half hour for the rest of it."
"Not on my watch."
"We've got an Italian, Salvatore, my art director."
"Sorry. Most of the Jewish guys work for the Jewish firms."
"That's very good."
"You want me to run down to the deli, grab somebody?"
"Summer's coming."
"If I know these guys, you're better off with a little sex appeal. Can you give me a woman in a bathing suit, put her next to your guy?"
"Give you a chance to get a real model."
"Ah, I'm not really big on those things."
"So. That's it, huh? Relax?"
"Send her in."
"I'm doing my own research."
"The medical thing is dead, we understand that."
"So basically, if you love danger, you'll love smoking."
"Freud, you say, what agency is he with?"
"Let me tell you something, Ms. Guttman."
"Dr. Guttman. Psychology might be great at cocktail parties, but it so happens people were buying cigarettes before Freud was born. The issue isn't why should people smoke, it's why should people smoke Lucky Strike. Suggesting that our customers have a… what did you call it, a death wish? I just don't see that on a billboard."
"Just give me the damn report."
"Oh, I'm sure I will. You're the one who found all of our medical testimonials in the first place."
"Has anyone else seen this?"
"Good. I don't want to hear about it anymore. I'm sorry, I just find your whole approach perverse."
"Sal, I'll take that drink now."
"He doesn't know I'm sleeping in here, does he?"
"Who are you?"
"Would you , uh, you go out there and entertain him?"
"I see your point."
"Send him in."
"You are tough to take first thing in the morning, Pete."
"Uh, she's the new girl."
"That'll be all."
"Oh, and sorry about Mr. Campbell here, he left his manners back at the fraternity house."
"The future Mrs. Pete Campbell is a very lucky woman, when is the wedding again?"
"He sure did."
"How old are you, Pete?"
"I bet the whole world looks like one great big brassier snap just waiting to be snapped, huh?"
"Campbell, we're both men here, so I'm going to be direct."
"Advertising is a very small world and when you do something like malign the reputation of a girl in the steno pool on her first day, you make it even smaller. Keep it up, and even if you do get my job, you'll never run this place. You'll die in that corner office, a mid-level executive with a little bit of hair who women go home with out of pity. Want to know why? Cause no one will like you."
"Well, at least the building. Pleasure to meet you."
"Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I was expecting."
"And you are?"
"Of course, David, one of the rising stars at Sterling Cooper."
"Very subtle, isn't that your shirt?"
"Then, a 10% off coupon in select ladies magazines will increase your first time customers. Once we get them into the store, the rest is kind of up to you."
"Ms. Mencken, coupons work. I think your father would agree with this strategy."
"What kind of people do you want?"
"We obviously have very different ideas."
"Ms, you are way out of line."
"Talk out what, the silly idea that people are going to come to some store they've never been to because it's more expensive?"
"Mencken's is not Channel."
"This is ridiculous, I'm not going to let a woman talk to me like this, this meeting is over. Good luck, Ms. Mencken."
"Well, Roger's not going to be happy, so I guess that's good for you."
"Look, I'm sorry I was so hard on you before, it's just this damn tobacco thing."
"Let's take it a little slower, I don't want to wake up pregnant."
"Well, uh, I have been thinking quite a bit about this. And, uh. I mean you know I'm a Lucky Strike man from way back, so.."
"Gentleman, before you leave, can I just say something?"
"The Federal Trade Commission and Readers' Digest have done you a favor. They've let you know that any ad that brings up the concept of cigarettes and health together, well, it's just gonna make people think of cancer."
"But what Lee Jr said is right. If you can't make those health claims, neither can your competitors."
"Not exactly, this is the greatest advertising opportunity since the invention of cereal. We have 6 identical companies making 6 identical products. We can say anything we want. How do you make your cigarettes?"
"There you go. There you go."
"No, everybody else's tobacco is poisonous. Lucky Strike's is toasted."
"Advertising is based on 1 thing: happiness. And you know what happiness is? It's the smell of a new car, it's freedom from fear. It's a billboard, on the side of the road, that screams with reassurance that whatever you're doing is OK. You are OK."
"For the record, I pulled it out of thin air, so thank you up there."
"I don't know, uh, bunting and babies, that's hard work. I'd make a hash of it."
"Could you be a little more specific, honey?"
"Thank you, boys, I appreciate it."
"I love to come through."
"Haven't you had enough of my magic for one day?"
"You're a whore."
"Peggy, would you get us a little more ice?"
"Just a minute. Fellas, I think this party is gonna have to move elsewhere."
"I don't know."
"Maybe next time."
"If Greta's research was any good, I would have used it."
"I'm saying, I had a report just like that, and it's not like there's some magic machine that makes identical copies of things."
"Have a great night, Pete, congratulations."
"Fear stimulates my imagination."
"First of all, Peggy, I'm your boss, not your boyfriend. Second of all, you ever let Pete Campbell go through my trash again and you won't be able to find a job selling sandwiches in Penn Station."
"Of course not. Go home, put your curlers in, we'll get a fresh start tomorrow. Oh, and Peggy, I need you to place a call."
"That is quite a drink."
"I shouldn't have lost my temper and I certainly shouldn't have treated you like anything less than a client."
"So you understand?"
"Well, I'm not really as bad as all that. I was under a lot of pressure. Another account. It doesn't really matter."
"So, without making things worse, can I ask you a personal question?"
"Why aren't you married?"
"Well, it's just that you're a beautiful, educated woman, don't you think that getting married and having a family would make you happier than all the headaches that go along with fighting people like me?"
"So that's it, you won't get married because you find business to be a thrill."
"She won't get married because she's never been in love. I think I wrote that and used it to sell nylons."
"Oh you mean love, you mean big lightning bolt through the heart where you can't eat and you can't work and you just run of and get married and make babies. The reason you haven't felt it is because it doesn't exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons."
"Pretty sure about it. You're born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts, but I never forget. I'm living like there's no tomorrow because there isn't one."
"Excuse me?"
"Don."
"I don't know if that's true. You want another drink?"
"So I guess we'll be seeing each other again."
"I'd like that."
"I didn't want to bother you."
"I'm not."
"I'll be right back, don't move."

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 2
"All clear in no man's land."
"As long as the egg comes first."
"I can't tell you about my childhood. It'd ruin the first half of my novel."
"It's not that interesting a story. Just think of me as Moses. I was a baby in a basket."
"Maybe your wife is just a better drinker."
"Well, you were sitting on my good side."
"Well, I like to think I always know what I want."
"Once you rounded the corner on number 2 I took it for a case of nerves."
"Tuchore means he likes me, when he gets us to the Four Seasons, then we'll know he trusts me."
"Oh, and stoned on martinis."
"Well, maybe it's just manners, but I was raised to see it as a sin of pride to go on like that about yourself."
"Why, what difference does it make?"
"No, of course not."
"Jesus, Bets, it's like politics, religion, or sex. Why talk about it?"
"I'm sure more research is needed? We should try it out."
"Brassier account, just figured out we can't sell'em to men."
"Yeah, he mentioned it. I just assumed it went away."
"Last I read, Nixon was running without an agency."
"And what does Dick Nixon think he needs?"
"He dodged a financial scandal by standing with his wife and begging for his dog an admission wrapped in distraction. I'd say they know what they're doing."
"Well they think they're set without us, why chase a girl that doesn't want to get caught."
"I don't vote."
"So, whether Dick Nixon likes it or not-"
"Be my pleasure."
"No."
"What's that?"
"That"
"Since when do you have a television?"
"I seem to remember a woman wasting a good piece of a beautiful afternoon reciting a diatribe against television that should have ended with her banging her shoe on the table."
"Where'd you get the TV?"
"Same place you got that wig?"
"And you took it?"
"Yes."
"What about you?"
"Sorry they couldn't get a hold of me, we had to carry Freddy Mumson out of Retazzi's."
"How's the car?"
"I hate the way you drive, you know?"
"So what happened?"
"At 20 miles an hour? That's not that fast."
"Was it Sally, playing with the radio again? I've warned her."
"Jesus. Betty, you have to get this taken care of. That Dr. Patterson is not thorough. I swear when we walked down Park Avenue, I could hear the quacking."
"OK, you've given me his credentials, what did he say?"
"So?"
"Doctors must love that they now have an answer for 'I don't know what's wrong'."
"Nervous about what, driving? So we'll go down to the Grand Union parking lot. We'll practice your 10 and 2."
"So that's their solution? Why not open the hood, poke around? So?"
"Well, go to a doctor, another doctor. A good one! I'll get a specialist from Burt Cooper, his name's on a wall over at St. Vincent's."
"And leave the dishes for the girl."
"7-8-9-10-11-12-98-99-100. You know I do worry about you, Birdie."
"I just don't know what they can possibly tell you."
"I always thought people saw a psychiatrist when they were unhappy. But I look at you and this and them and that. And I think, 'are you unhappy'?"
"Well, that'll be $35, you're welcome."
"Good."
"Ahh, suicide. OK, boys, what do we have?"
"Except some people think of the future and it upsets them. They see a rocket and they start building a bomb shelter."
"I don't think it's ridiculous to assume we're looking for other planets because this one will end."
"Who is this moron flying around space, I mean, he pees in his pants. Brass tacks, who buys this? Some woman. Your girl or your mother will pick this up walking through the grocery store or the druggist. We should be asking ourselves, 'what do women want?'"
"I'm not asking what do women want in some bullshit research psychology way, I'm asking what would make a woman look at this man's deodorant and say, 'I want that'."
"Maybe I should stop paying you."
"No. Let's bring it down to Earth. You think they want a cowboy? He's quiet and strong. He always brings the cattle home safe. You watch TV. What if they want something else? Inside some mysterious wish that we're ignoring."
"Can I fix you something?"
"I should go to Niagara Falls for 2 weeks. Does wonders for your career."
"Let me ask you something. What do women want?"
"You mentioned the other night that your daughter had been to a psychiatrist."
"We had 1 headshrinker in the Army, a gossip. Busting with other people's thoughts."
"We do? Who could not be happy with all of this?"
"Beauty and the beast."
"Yeah."
"In the office."
"You know, when I told you you had everything, I was wrong."
"White gold, it's got one of those tiny little faces that you have to be young to see."
"The guy at the store set the time, but he was English, so it might be 6 hours off."
"I didn't see it."
"I thought that was ketchup."
"I don't want to play what if."
"Nothing happened."
"I don't know. I guess so. Whatever you want."
"Brought Betty into the city to see the doctor, but honestly I think the one that's not feeling so great. I called in sick."
"You're right."
"I can't decide if you have everything or nothing."
"Sounds more like you live in the Village."
"That's cause I'm a man, you seem to forget that sometimes. Lucky they aren't all like you."
"What do women want?"
"What do women want? You know better than to ask. Give me a pen."
"What do women want? Any excuse to get closer."
"I'll have the goulash."
"How was your day?"
"You know I work with doctors? They'll say anything you pay them to."
"I saw an interesting thing in the Journal American today. Apparently the phone company wants to start charging people for unlisted numbers."
"Some people agree with you and they're giving aliases to Ma Bell. They call it the Nom de Phone."
"Of course, most of them are pornographic. The best one? Pat McGroin."
"Hard to believe they can print that in the Journal American, let alone the phonebook."
"I'll be right up."
"Hello, sorry to bother you so late, it's Don Draper."
"Glad to hear that. Well?"

Episode 3
"Of course, Larry, look at you."
"No."
"I'm upstate."
"Yeah, I remember that."
"Absolutely."
"Someone will finally be working in there."
"Do you need a minute? You must, you keep moving this Seekor laxative discussion."
"What do we have? And let me remind you, safe and reliable would make me doze off if I wasn't so blighted by the scourge of constipation."
"Stay in the art department, Sal."
"I have, I don't know what I hate about it the most, the ad or the car."
"They must be getting results, they keep going back to the well."
"I'm still waiting on my shirts."
"Well, say what you want. Love it or hate, the fact remains, we've been talking about this for the last 15 minutes. And this is Playboy. Of course, what we should have been talking about is Seekor laxative, unless, as it appears, There is nothing to say."
"Part of this job is doing things you don't want to do."
"Then it must not have been much of a honeymoon."
"I'm sorry, welcome back, how's married life?"
"I was raised that men don't wear jewelry."
"I look forward to meeting her."
"Maybe we can."
"We appreciate your business."
"We take his word for it."
"Anyone without a head."
"Ms. Mencken, I can assure you that no one at this table has ever been to your store. A wrong I will personally correct this afternoon."
"I've got it."
"Well, it wasn't a lie, it was ineptitude with insufficient cover."
"I have a deep voice."
"It's a date."
"New junior exec."
"Because they cost practically nothing. Costume change."
"Well, it is crowded, but that might have something to do with the sale, which means that if we're successful you're going to lose the customers you have in order to get the customers you want."
"Well, you do have to give them something for their higher dollar count, it's just awfully hard to define what that is."
"That's gotta be a tough job."
"Well, that might explain the lack of customers. I can see the charm, but the room is too dark, too old fashioned, the products look old."
"You know it's a shame we're gonna have to lop their heads off and ruin your favorite part of the store."
"Hell, Manhattan at your feet, I can see the appeal."
"How did they get the penthouse.?"
"They know I'm with you, right?"
"So even then you enjoyed telling men what to do."
"Well, that's not always a bad thing."
"What is this? Don't try to convince me that you were ever unloved."
"Listen. I'm married."
"It shouldn't have happened."
"I knew what I wanted from the first time you stormed out of our office."
"Of course not."
"Thank you."
"It's not your birthday, it's your party."
"How am I going to put together a pony?"
"She'll forget all about it when she sees the playhouse."
"You, are not supposed to see this yet. Why don't you run into the garage and get me another beer."
"It will appear untouched."
"Thank you."
"Want something a little stronger there, Carlton?"
"I haven't seen that."
"Yup, this is it."
"Glenn, I'm pretty sure there are some peanut butter sandwiches and a BB gun out there in the backyard, why don't you come with me?"
"Of everyone, or just Chief Tiny Tim?"
"OK."
"What are you, Frank Sinatra?"
"There are the boys, how we doing?"
"Same crowd out here."
"Hey. Hey. Happy birthday, baby."

Episode 3
"Don Draper, nice to meet you. Congratulations. You're a very lucky girl."
"Yes you are. He's essential to the process around here. I think we're almost as happy to have him as you are."
"Well maybe you're right. Nice to meet you."
"Tell the vault to make me a print. The girl knows where I keep the cans."
"Well, we're screening a television commercial. It will probably look better when it's breaking up Bonanza."
"So he keeps telling me."
"How are you?"
"Rachel, listen."
"I don't know. I don't want it to be like this."
"Can we at least have lunch sometime."
"Hello."
"Walter, how's it going?"
"Well, he's known for losing gracefully."
"Did you have a good time in the city last night?"
"Unwind with the psalms."
"Well, we take for granted, the things we need the most. Water, oil, electricity. Steel. I was thinking about the last time you were here, looking out this window at this incredible city and saying, 'it's all steel'. New York City, brought to you by Bethlehem Steel. City of Pittsburgh, brought to you by Bethlehem Steel. City of Chicago. Detroit. St Louis. Full pages ads in targeted markets. Newspapers, trade publications, throw in a few billboards so your employees can brag to their girlfriends."
"Well, Walter you've been doing this long enough, you know we can throw this artwork away in a minute. But the sentiment, the idea, it's so basic, you… You feel like you already know it, you just haven't thought of it lately."
"Well, would you prefer an I beam on a plate with a pat of butter on it?"
"Just making a point, steel is not something that you can buy at the supermarket."
"Well, Walter, I'm surprised. I believe this is fairly close to what we had talked about. "
"I believe it was more specific."
"Pete, I think Sal can show Mr Vipe out. Walt."
"What the hell was that?"
"And I could feel he was sentences away. I'm that kind of guy."
"Someone hadn't prepared him to like the idea. An idea he was extremely enthusiastic about 3 months ago."
"You do your job. Take him sailing. Get him in a bathing suit. Leave the ideas to me."
"I'm sure you do. Sterling Cooper has more artists and failed intellectualists than the Third Reich."
"Well, I wanted to maintain our original strategy, but I think the wordplay achieves what you're looking for. The idea that from the acorn that is Bethlehem Steel comes America's great cities."
"Excuse me?"
"Ah, right."
"Pleasure to make you happy, Walt."
"Nice work."
"Yes you did. Good one. Enjoy it."
"Listen, Pete. I need you to go get a cardboard box. Put your things in it. OK?"
"Remember Pete Campbell's last day? It's today."
"While I was breaking my neck trying to fix the hash he made yesterday, he was out at the St Regis yesterday pitching copy. His copy."
"What's the problem?"
"Sounds more like a bomb."
"Nothing, except they put out a mediocre product."
"So they're rich. So what?"
"What's your concern, then?"
"Absolutely. He's more valuable to the agency than I am."
"Well, let's get one of the other ones."
"I thought it was a big watch."
"Well, thank you, sir."
"It's why I got in."
"Doing my best here."
"What about shaky hands? I see a lot of that too with you boys."
"Not all imaginary."
"Maybe I'm not as comfortable being powerless as you are."
"I'm not."
"Kids today, they have no one to look up to. Cause they're looking up to us."

Episode 5
"What, take that thing on the train like some kid who won at the 4H Besides no one wants look like they care about awards?"
"In this end."
"Mm. He likes to be recognized for selling. Creative is less important."
"But he gave the speech."
"Enchanted."
"Oh, Betty, it's 8:00."
"Daddy's boss won an award."
"Go downstairs and eat something."
"Just do it in the kitchen. I don't want to hear the bubbles."
"Thank you."
"Fortunately no one reads that."
"That's rude."
"Thank you."
"Congratulations for what? Being the only person on time to this meeting?
"Good for you."
"Look at that."
"Tapping a Maple on a Cold Vermont Morning. Cosgrove here got a story published in the, uh…"
"I look forward to reading it."
"Talk. One of you."
"Jack keeps talking about escalating the toaster wars to lure women in, which is silly, when you think about it because other than a few working girls, most women aren't in charge of the banking."
"They do. All we do is try to get the girls in. Families. But you know what? Men need their own accounts beyond the family."
"Yes."
"No. Executive account."
"Hello, Mr. Biderbeck?"
"Whose Bix?"
"Where are you calling me from?"
"Midge, I'm at work."
"You can't call me at work."
"This is working right now."
"I hurt your feelings."
"I'm here."
"I don't even think about it."
"OK."
"Morning."
"5."
"Well, that'll keep you working here."
"Sal's problem."
"Sales are great. Lawsuit is pending. You're the one whose supposed to be keeping an eye out on what's happening in Washington."
"I'll take any excuse to get out of this meeting."
"Uh…Tell him, uh, where is he? I should, uh. I have to deal with this."
"I got this."
"May I help you? Can I help you?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"It's Don."
"I don't even know who you are."
"I think you've mistaken me for someone else."
"No. There's a coffee shop 3 blocks west of here. Delight. I'll meet you there at noon."
"Yes. Of course. All set."
"What do you want from me?"
"That's not me."
"Adam. It's not me."
"I couldn't go back there. No, that's alright."
"That was a long time ago."
"What difference does it make? People change their names."
"What happened to her?"
"She wasn't my mother. She never let me forget that."
"Good."
"Of course I did."
"I'm sorry."
"Around. Here, mostly."
"I'm gonna go."
"Want me to pay for lunch?"
"Let me."
"Adam, that's not gonna happen. I'm gonna walk out that door. That's it. I'm not buying your lunch because this never happened."
"The portrait."
"No, I forgot to check in before I went to the printer."
"We'll have to do that on the way, they must be waiting for us at the studio."
"Don't worry about it."
"I think Paul has a handle on this."
"What are you laughing at?"
"Yes. For the day."
"I'm going home. You can reach me there, if necessary."
"That's good."
"It's not that far."
"As the driven snow."
"No, I just might have to go back to the office, I haven't decided yet."
"I need to see you tonight, are you busy?"
"Good, I'm leaving now."
"25 minutes."
"Whatever you have."
"I came here because I wanted to talk to you and explain something to you."
"Adam, listen to me. I have a life and it only goes in one direction. Forward.'
"Coffee."
"So no Abigail, no Uncle Mac. Nobody, huh?"
"I don't know. I guess so."
"No I'm not."
"That's $5,000. That's all there is. I want you to take it and I want you to leave New York and I don't want to see or hear from you ever again."
"That's all I can do for you."
"You thought I was dead. Just go back to thinking that."
"Adam, that is $5,000. Make your own life. I have too much here."
"It's gonna be OK."
"Yes. Papers are on my desk."
"No, I just wanna go to sleep."
"I won't."
"No, it's great. It's great. I'm looking forward to it already, I swear."
"I just don't like the way he looks at me."
"I don't know, Betts. I think Cape May will be fine. We're not that flush right now."
"It's nothing to be worried about. I just rather wait til next year."

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 6
"Happy Mother's Day."
"This is fascinating."
"It's certainly dirtier."
"Well, some men like eyebrows, and all men like Joan Crawford. Salvatore couldn't stop talking about her."
"I promise you, Bets, first sign of crows feet and I'll put you on an ice flow. Or would you prefer to be my gal in the iron mask? Did you have a nice Mother's Day?"
"Bets, don't. No melancholy."
"But it's your Mother's Day, not hers."
"Dr. Wayne."
"So you're cured?"
"When their vacation house is paid for."
"Mourning is just extended self-pity. In New Guinea, Pygmies grind up their ancestors and drink the powder in a beer."
"I didn't know that."
"What about Advanced Reproduction, how are your studies progressing in that?"
"You did?"
"I flunked the whole thing."
"Me too."
"You have me. You do."
"Nick, you ever add that second deck of portholes?"
"Of course."
"And you."
"It's an exciting idea. Of course we should keep in mind that Paris has the Eiffel tower. And Rome has the Coliseum."
"Well, Sterling Cooper doesn't like to think of itself as tradition."
"Well, you're not thinking of, uh, putting 150 foot statue of Jesus in Tel Aviv, are you? Cause that's how we sold Rio."
"Well, you've certainly saved me some leg work. All I have is the Bible."
"So, your ideal tourist, what's his yearly salary?"
"Mona, Margaret, what brings you below 59th St?"
"I can see why they want the guns."
"It helps if they stop blowing up hotels."
"Take religion out. They've got plenty stations of the cross traffic."
"Except the Daughters of the American Revolution shuttling this up and down 5th Avenue."
"So we have a quasi-communist state, where women have guns, and it's filled with Jews. Well, not completely filled, let's not forget there are also Arabs."
"Alright, I have to make a couple phone calls, let's pick this up later."
"Peggy, will you get me a private line, please?"
"I'm glad you did. I need to see you."
"It's business, meet me for a drink."
"I wouldn't have called if it wasn't important. I should still be able to talk to you. Give me credit for that."
"Message received."
"Mm. This weekend."
"There's less action than I thought."
"How did that happen?"
"I'm surprised your mother let you go."
"Was he a good kisser."
"Yeah, I'm sure he was very disappointed."
"Honey, it's hot. And I have to read this book about the desert."
"Yeah, we'll see."
"Thanks for coming. Can I get you anything?"
"How've you been?"
"It doesn't show."
"You look beautiful."
"Irish Coffee?"
"Turns out Israel Tourism is considering becoming a client and I'm having a hard time getting a handle on it."
"You're my favorite."
"I have. It's all sentimental. World War II trivia, oranges, kids in blue and white hats. They're doing a movie of 'Exodus' with Paul Newman."
"Damn it."
"Well, those people at the meeting were definitely Zionists."
"I just wanted to know something about it that doesn't come from some Ministry of Propaganda."
"OK, I deserved that. But I'm talking about tourists going to Israel."
"What is the difference?"
"I don't hate you."
"That's not what I meant."
"Why aren't you there?"
"Utopia."
"Peggy, clear the rest of my afternoon, would you please?"
"Have a box of cigars sent over to Jim King with my apologies."
"Good girl."
"Just."
"Peggy? If you say so. I try to avoid eye contact to avoid being blinded by the earnestness."
"Brainstorming, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Really?"
"Sorry."
"Let's get this off."
"Pleasure."
"I think I'm gonna stay here."
"No place to put your coat."
"Switch seats with me."
"That sounds like a great idea."
"Well, maybe it's born there. But I think it may be conceived right here."
"I blow up bridges."
"On a bed made of money."
"People want to be told what to do so badly that they'll listen to anyone."
"And I have a feeling that you spent more time on your hair this morning."
"So, Roy, if you had a job, what would you do."
"I should go, too much art for me."

Episode 7
"I know you said to call at night, but, uh, I haven't been alone."
"So how is she?"
"But she's making progress?
"Well, what has she been talking about?"
"She wasn't always like this."
"So that's it?"
"There are deeper issues?"
"I'm concerned, obviously."
"Well, I appreciate your time."
"I don’t mind you staying late, just as long as you're not milking us for the dinner money."
"Just cause tomorrow is Friday I don't expect you to be pulling your head off the keys in the morning."
"I'm on the 5:31."
"Trying to get me in trouble? Betty's cooking."
"Is that what we're gonna do?"
"What?"
"I don't think those two have 30 years between them."
"Yeah, you'll have to let me know."
"I don't know."
"I'll call Betty. Tell her we'll be three."
"What are you kidding? She'll be thrilled. When was the last time she saw you?"
"Yes, I'm coming home. Unfortunately, Roger has decided he needs a home cooked meal."
"Birdie, what do you put in that freezer I bought you?"
"What do you want me to say."
"Sounds like a lateral move."
"Trouble sleeping? Never."
"We used to swim in a quarry."
"What do you say we go to a commercial break? Brought to you by more liquor."
"No."
"But the professional wisdom says that one of our guys came up with that as a way to sell matches."
"Not much to say. You boys used up all the glory."
"Bored, what about scared? That never comes into these stories."
"Bet they gave you a medal."
"You want to switch to gin?
"I have something out in the garage left over from New Year's."
"No, I ran down the street knocking on doors."
"I'll walk you out."
"That's my car. There you go. Lights."
"What was that?"
"That. Him. It felt like someone turned the oven on when I came back in here with that bottle."
"Bullshit."
"You seemed to be having a grand time."
"You made a fool of yourself."
"You were throwing yourself at him, giggling at all his stories."
"I don't like to be treated that way in my own home. I know what I saw."
"Sometimes I feel like I'm living with a little girl."
"Send him in."
"I take it you got home in one piece."
"I know that place, it's got great water pressure."
"What about it?"
"What does that mean, Roger?"
"I don't even know what this is."
"Thanks for the bottle, Roger."
"Betty's gonna want that glass back."
"He's not helping himself keeping quiet on Castro."
"Oh, roast beef. You know it's just me tonight, right?"
"Hollis, let me ask you something."
"What are we naming them now?"
"Never even gave them a chance before, but I'm acquiring a taste. It's like eating a mermaid."
"You're leading this dance."
"Today I'm on the Roger Sterling diet."
"Me as well."
"So what's an extra lap or two around the steno pool for us? Two cheesecakes."
"I believe we branded them cat lovers and moved onto the subject of true love."
"I believe in his case, it was the lure of orange hair."
"Drinking milk, I never liked it. I hate cows."
"One more?"
"No way."
"When might it be back up, should we wait?"
"It's certainly a believable excuse."
"So."
"We'd be walking down. It'd be easier."
"I think we'd hear it go on in the stairwell."
"Roger, I don't know."
"Or maybe we could get them to come down and have the presentation on the eight floor landing, there's plenty of seats."
"Well, what do you want to do, we're almost there."
"Well, we can waste another 5 minutes talking about it if you want."
"6 to go."
"You want to rest a minute."
"I forgot, a navy man."
"We'll find you one if we still have jobs. Want me to run ahead."
"You sure?"
"Elevator is out."
"He's coming."
"Hopefully, a little brains, too. Sorry to keep you fellas waiting, the elevator's out."
"Get us some ice water."
"I'll be right in."
"You OK?"
"Good."

Episode 8
"Good morning."
"Tell Mr. Sterling I'll be right there."
"Thank you, Peggy. What happened there?"
"$2500. I, uh…"
"Yes. Yes, it is."
"I assume that's flattering."
"I will."
"It's OK, Kenny. I don't think there's much else to do here, but call it a day. Gentlemen, thank you for your time."
"You're a non-believer, why should we waste time on Kabuki?"
"It means that you've already tried your plan and you're number 4."
"You've enlisted my expertise and you've rejected it to go on the way you've been going. I'm not interested in that. You can understand."
"Listen, I'm not here to tell you about Jesus. You already know about Jesus. Either he lives in your heart, or he doesn't. Every woman wants choices. But in the end, none wants to be 1 of a hundred in a box. She's unique. She makes the choices and she's chosen him. She wants to tell the world, 'he's mine. He belongs to me, not you.' She marks her man, with her lips. He is her possession. You've given every girl that wears your lipstick, the gift of total ownership."
"No. Not until I know I'm not wasting my time."
"Well, we'll never know, will we?"
"It's not a science, Hugh, we'll do our best."
"Ken, you'll realize in your private life that at a certain point seduction is over and force is actually being requested."
"Peggy, ice, we'll need some."
"How do you take it?"
"Go ahead, before Joan Holloway sees."
"We barely finished the presentation and he bought it."
"You want another drink?"
"Not a writer."
"Excuse me, fellas."
"Hello."
"Pack a bag, we're going to Paris."
"Paris."
"It's a bonus. I'm not sure what for."
"What do you say? I called Adewal. We can have breakfast in Versaille."
"I thought you didn't make plans."
"That's your plan?"
"I feel like Dorothy, everything just turned to color.
"Well put."
"No thanks. OK, maybe."
"I don’t know."
"Of course."
"You two. You're in love."
"Everyday I make pictures where people appear to be in love. I know what it looks like."
"You're breaking my heart."
"Neither will buying some Tokai wine and leaning up against a wall in Grand Central pretending you're a vagrant."
"My God, stop talking. Make something of yourself."
"Well, I'll break it to you, but there is no big lie. There is no system. The universe is indifferent."
"Paris. Now. Let's go."
"Buy yourself a car."
"You can't."
"Good evening."
"Wake up, Bobby."
"Come on, get up."
"Shhh, your sister's sleeping."
"Ask me anything."
"Anything."
"Ask me."
"I don't know. But I will never lie to you."
"Morning, Peggy."

Episode 9
"Probably about like you. Enduring the splendor of Fiarello."
"Mazel Tov."
"3 millionaires in a towel in a steam room, I don't know how to take that."
"Wasn't good enough to land the Israelis."
"Can you get me out of the second half of this show?"
"Betty, my wife. Jim and Adell Hobart."
"Champagne?"
"People like Jim Hobart always talk business because they have nothing else to say."
"Really, did he tell you to put it under my pillow or something?"
"Was he?"
"Well, then there's no need to doubt his interest then."
"You're not wrong for anything."
"Any other good news?"
"Peggy, can you get me an outside line?"
"I appreciate the gesture."
"I don't know what to say."
"I don't know. I… I'm not ready to wave the flag just yet."
"Bet you already know what you're gonna say."
"But you're going to."
"Small is bad."
"No comment."
"Where'd you get this?"
"I'm happy to give up any Spanish speakers and hope this goes away."
"More risk, why we doing this, and out of pocket?"
"Clients come and go, Campbell, sometimes it's best to rid them of unrealistic expectations."
"The girl. We gave her a little extra work and now she's distracted."
"Look at that!"
"You always told me you hated it."
"Maybe it's Jim Hobart."
"You want to go back to work?"
"That's, 3-4 hour stretches."
"You're serious?"
"Are you resolved, or is this even worth arguing?"
"Well, I can't stop you from doing what you want to do."
"Not exactly dressed for that, are we?"
"Those are nice clubs."
"How'd you hear about it?"
"Bigger. The world, basically."
"Pan Am."
"That's true."
"That's a sad thought."
"I haven't made up my mind."
"Why? It's business."
"Who was it?"
"I do."
"Don't worry, I'm not going to ruin this, I'm very happy for you."
"No. Right here."
"I see you got there and back in one piece."
"So how was it?"
"Ronnie Gitteridge. He's the art director. I met him."
"I'd love to."
"Get in bed with daddy."
"He said this to you in your dream?"
"Now they can't play in the yard? I'll get my robe on and go over there and find out what happened."
"You should have Ethel talk to him."
"But she didn't tell you?
"Maybe not. She's never slept well."
"Thank you."
"This didn't go by me."
"What did they do?"
"Congratulations, boys."
"No."
"Is he in?"
"I see no reason to leave. Or maybe I see a million."
"45 is good."
"I like the way you do business."
"No contract."
"If I leave this place, one day. It will not be for more advertising."
"I don't know, life being lived. I'd like to stop talking about it and get back to it."
"I've done that. I want to do something else"
"Jim Hobart, McCann Ericson."
"No, you're not."
"I don't know about that, Jim."
"It's Yankee Stadium, I know."
"It's not."
"No, that was her idea."
"Maybe not, but I can't exactly say that was a big league move."
"Sure."
"How did it go today?"
"It can be."
"If that's what you want, and it's my job to give you what you want."
"Birdie, you know I don't care about making my dinner or taking in my shirts. You have a job. You are mother to those two little people and you are better at it than anyone else in the world. At least in the top 500. I would have given anything to have a mother like you. Beautiful and kind and filled with love like an angel."
"And this does not taste whipped up."
"You too."
"That sounds fun."
"Have a good day."

Episode 10
"Woah, woah, woah, woah, running in the house."
"If I leave, can you keep your mouth shut?"
"Good morning, good to see you, Gene."
"I heard you might be joining us. It's good to have another around, give Betty a break."
"We're only going for the weekend."
"She seems like a perfectly nice lady. What am I supposed to do with this, fill it with hay? How far do you want to go with this?"
"Birdie, your father was married, what, forty years? The man can hardly fix himself a cup of tea, let alone do laundry."
"A housekeeper goes home at night."
"Let him have it."
"You've been looking forward to the beach. Let her cook. Let your father put some stones by that wall so we stop getting water underneath the deck."
"Just get through today, I'll be there tomorrow afternoon. We'll go to that place with the lobster rolls."
"Half the office is cleared out. Mm?"
"Happy days are here again."
"It's light, it's fun, doesn't cloud the mind with, I don't know, issues. And it's catchy."
"Turn it off."
"An ad made by a public relations team. Message received and forgotten."
"It should have never been this close. I'd say we could run them again, but I don't think you want to see them."
"That's not gonna hurt him. Women find out about that, it'll push him over the top."
"Why do we need to attack when there's a story to tell. Kennedy, Nouveau Riche, recent immigrant, who bought his way into Harvard. And now he's well bread? Great. Nixon is from nothing, a self made man, the Abe Lincoln of California who was Vice President of the United States 6 years after getting out of the Navy. Kennedy, I see a silver spoon. Nixon, I see myself."
"Done."
"Excuse me?"
"3 months of construction during which time we build enormous anticipation. Like a movie premier. The new Mencken's. You will have a line on the first day."
"Well, honestly, the unpleasant truth is you don't have anything. Your customers can not be depended on anymore. Their lives have changed. They're prosperous. Over the years they've developed new tastes. They're like your daughter. Educated, sophisticated. They know full well what they deserve and they're willing to pay for it."
"Mr. Mencken, I don't know if that's true. You had no problem abandoning that second floor hosiery store for your present location and that's a story you'll be proud to tell your grandchildren. The only problem is they won't care. As much as grandpa likes that marble palace I can promise you, they won't. They'll look at it and they'll say, 'Grandpa, it must have been hard, back in the olden days'."
"I meant no disrespect, sir."
"Looks like we both get to keep our jobs a little while longer."
"I think he likes me."
"What about you?"
"What can I do for ya?"
"Don't tell they're coming in again about the exercise sandals. Did you tell them summer's over?"
"What, why didn't he call me?"
"And what did you say?"
"So you really put up a fight?"
"Which you don't remember or I'm sure you'd tell me?"
"The day you sign a client is the day you start losing him."
"I'll take care of it."
"Leave it. You wear Dr Scholl's Inserts?
"Take them out."
"We lost Dr. Scholl's."
"Leo Burnett. Campbell enjoyed telling me it was something to do with creative. I thought I should tell you make sure the ink is dry on that raise."
"Well, I know I didn't drop the ball on this. Sales are steady."
"Trying to cheer me up? It's working."
"You don't really believe that, do you?"
"Betty's at the Shore, I'm headed down tomorrow."
"Matching?"
"So, Mirabelle, what's your special talent? Singing? Dancing? Baton twirling?"
"Well, I should be heading home."
"I don't dance."
"No. No, I don't. Listen, I should get going."
"I really should go."
"Listen, let me call you a car."
"I don't even think I can get out of the driveway."
"Yes. Yes I am."
"Is that good or bad?"
"Maybe it's this office, but you are selling to hard."
"Jesus. Just call an ambulance and then leave. Leave. Right there."
"Mona. Your wife's name is Mona."
"How you doing?"
"Well, you're talking. That's good."
"What do you mean, like the thing that gives you get up and go."
"What do you wanna hear?"
"It's living. It's like you said."
"He's doing great."
"It's me, Betts, were you sleeping?"
"Listen, Roger had a heart attack."
"The doctors basically say they don't know. Mona's with him."
"About tomorrow."
"He was at work. He just keeled over. It was awful, basically."
"I don't know, Betts."
"I don’t know. Stop thinking about that."
"No, there's nothing you can do."
"Not great."
"I don't know."
"I know it's late, I'm sorry."
"Let me in."
"No."
"Can I get a drink?"
"I don't know. He's rich. They seem to be taking care of him."
"He's gray and weak. His skin looks like paper."
"What's the difference?"
"I don't know."
"I just need to sit down."
"Sit with me."
"Because I feel like you're looking right through me over there."
"I don't like feeling like this."
"I remember the first time I was a pall barer. I had seen dead bodies before, I must have been 15. My aunt. I remember thinking, 'They're letting me carry the box, they're letting me be this close to it, no one is hiding anything from me now.' And then I looked over and I saw all the old people waiting together by the grave and I remember thinking, 'I've, I just moved up a notch'."
"Rachel."
"You know. I know you do. You know everything about me."
"Please, just Rachel. This is it. This is all there is and I feel like it's slipping through my fingers like a handful of sand. This is it. This is all there is.
"You don't really believe that."
"No. Unless you tell me you want this."
"No."
"You told me your mother died in childbirth. Mine did too. She was a prostitute. I don't know what my father paid her, but when she died they brought me to him and his wife. And when I was 10 years old, he died. He was a drunk who got kicked in the face by a horse. She buried him and took up with some other man and I was raised by those 2 sorry people."

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 11
"Peggy, will you get me a glass of ice water? Someone hasn't told the sun it's October. Ms. Holloway."
"Didn't you handle most of Mr. Sterling's catering questions? Continue doing that."
"I have. He's less sickly."
"Well, I never said I'd say this, but what does the research say?"
"No, it isn't. It's before and after pictures. Since the dawn of time."
"So, it needs a name. The Electriciser, for a slimmer, better you."
"And."
"Thank you."
"Maybe you should put her on your regiment of sprinting out the door every day at 5 to 5."
"Our big guns, have been silent."
"Peggy. This device is a new product. I would like you to give us your thoughts on it."
"No. It's a weight loss belt, it says. It's, uh, stimulates the muscles simulating calisthenics."
"Because you're a woman."
"It's an assignment, not an account."
"Yes."
"That'll be all."
"No."
"I don't want to."
"I don't think about it. I mean I try not to."
"We are together."
"It's not. I told you. I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Just haven't figured out what to do yet."
"It's up to you."
"That was fast."
"What is your unique point of view?"
"Summarize."
"You feel different?"
"Peggy, you're saying even less in here than you're saying now."
"Then you have failed."
"Huh, where is that here?"
"Oh, I see that here. A sensation."
"We now have a benefit, now we just have to figure out how to put it in words. Have another go at it."
"Peggy, just think about it deeply, then forget it, and an idea will jump up in your face."
"Fernando, we are pleased to hear that K's sales have more than doubled, we still believe that most of the credit goes to your rum."
"Burt Cooper says it is a unique pleasure working for you."
"Jr or Sr."
"And they're having this lunch bedside, I suppose."
"I am."
"No, it's just…maybe."
"What?"
"What was he doing in the dining room?"
"You let a stranger in my house?"
"I damn well will raise my voice, do you have any idea what could have happened?"
"Goodnight, Betty."
"Welcome back, you look good."
"Can you help us with this? His color."
"Well, you know, we don't need Miami Beach, but, uh, just do what you can do."
"Lee. Jimmy. Preston. How do you do?"
"There's still plenty of time before we have to worry about that, during which, we wait and see if share drops off before we run for the hills looking for a new campaign."
"Don't talk. This was stupid. I'll get the elevator."
"I'm very sorry."
"I'll be up, I want to check on Roger."
"Hello, it's Don Draper."
"I don't know, I don't know what you do for anybody."
"After hundreds of dollars, all you've managed to do is make her unhappy."
"This has nothing to do with me, it's her. You took a woman with a bad case of nerves and you made her weaker, not stronger. I'm afraid to leave her alone."
"What are you doing now?"
"Thank you. I'll think about that."
"Sorry, this is the way it works."
"Ready when you are."
"From what I understand, it provides the pleasure of a man, without a man."
"First of all, no Latin, you sound like a valedictorian. And the name, still isn't right. Lastly, you still might need to give us a hint at what it does."
"Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah."
"Freddy, Sal, you know what to do."
"Now, that wasn't so bad."
"Come in."
"You have a desk."
"Peggy, the conversation of a raise is not inappropriate at this moment, but do not be timid. You presented like a man, now act like one."
"Jesus, what do you make?"
"Well, that's a 15% kick."
"Is he dead?"
"And?"
"As a symbolic gesture I think tell me that in here is in bad taste."
"I accept."
"Do I hire from inside or outside?"
"No contract."
"No."
"You know I think this office is too big for me. I might need it if I'm gonna lure in Marty Brennan as head of account services."
"Thank you."
"I believe you."
"You know what, I do like this office. I think Roger would want me to have it, that way he'll always know he can have it back."
"I am now."
"Peggy, we have both had very good days. You may leave your post."
"I'm sorry, that's the best I can do at this point."
"You can have your raise. And I'll talk to Ms. Holloway about getting someone on your desk while you attend to your assignment."
"In the meantime, go with your friends, celebrate."
"Back away from the set, come on, you'll burn your eyes out."
"Uh, no I was supposed to have a meeting with a client but it got cancelled."
"I got made partner."
"I don't want to talk about that."
"It'll probably be snowing in 2 weeks."

Episode 12
"Herman Philips, Burt Cooper."
"My research says I was not to call you Duck. You should have told me."
"Herman was in London with Y&R."
"He landed American Airlines."
"Send him in."
"American Airlines. $7 Million in billing."
"Candidate for what?"
"Roger's not involved in this. Anything else?"
"Look. You're good at your job. Cooper loves you. What's the hurry?"
"That supposed to persuade me?"
"I am, I just hope you realize, the way things stand, there will continue to be someone senior to you."
"I'll keep you posted."
"Absolutely."
"Hello."
"What are you doing up?"
"I don't think that's a conversation appropriate for children."
"I'm gonna fix a drink. You?"
"I've read 3 different newspapers with 3 different results. I'm sure you know something I don't."
"Shouldn't have been that close."
"So what does he do now? Walk away? Concede?"
"But you want to win."
"So, what happens?"
"Ah, the optimism of the American corporation."
"It doesn't seem fair."
"Can I help you? What's that?"
"Well, thanks."
"Would it disappoint you if I told you it hadn't crossed my mind?"
"Spit it out, Campbell."
"That's kind of elaborate."
"Pete, get out. You're making a fool of yourself."
"You should leave."
"What information?"
"Come on."
"You said everything except or else. Assuming this information is true, which it isn't, it sounds to me like you're blackmailing me."
"When you threaten someone in this manner, you should be aware of the fact that if your information is powerful enough to make them do what you want, what else can it make them do?"
"Yes, sergeant"
"Where is everybody, sir?"
"Digging what?"
"I volunteered."
"In as much practice as I've had, yes."
"No, I just wanted to leave."
"Let's go away."
"Anywhere."
"Sure. How about Los Angeles, Mexico. I have money."
"No, I'm not."
"No, something happened and I want to go and I want you to come with me and I don't want to come back."
"What does it matter, isn't this what you want?"
"I just don't want to be without you and I don't want to be here."
"Rachel."
"What is the difference? We'll go somewhere else. We'll start over like Adam and Eve."
"There's nothing here."
"I'll provide for them."
"You're wrong, I know exactly what I want."
"Are you having an attack of conscience, after all this?"
"You know more about me than anyone."
"People do it everyday."
"No, Rachel, don't."
"Peggy, this is my office. Does this door mean nothing to you?"
"Calm down. Stop it. I didn’t mean to yell at you. Gotta be some semblance of privacy around here."
"That's why you're crying?"
"Peggy, I need to be alone right now."
"Finish it."
"I thought about what you said."
"And then I thought about you and what a deep lack of character you have."
"I'm hiring Duck Phillips."
"I’m not making you do anything. You haven't thought this through."
"Really, you're just going to go up to the office and tell Burt Cooper."
"Well, let me ask you. How do you think he'll react when you tell him this story of yours? You except him to promote you after the way you've behaved."
"You haven't thought this through."
"I'm gonna take care of this right now."
"I won't let you hold this over my head."
"Why, because your parents are rich? Because you went to prep school and have a $5 haircut? You've been given everything. You've never worked for anything in your life."
"No, I just wanted to say, I'm pulling the trigger on Duck Phillips as new head of account services."
"Just go, I can't."
"A little."

Episode 13
"Birdie, I'm a partner. 80% of my business roles out next week, it just seems silly for me to go down there for a 12 hour Thanksgiving."
"There was no reason you couldn't have it up here."
"I'm sorry, was I unclear about that?"
"Those the legendary secret files of Burt Cooper?"
"I hadn't heard that. But, otherwise?"
"I don't know, is he unhappy?"
"Who says they have?"
"This means everybody, writers, too. Bringing in business is the key to your salary, status, and self worth."
"Hi, Birdie."
"Oh, I have work to do here, as well."
"Bets, right when I walk in the door?"
"What happened?"
"Really?"
"Well, what could you say? I'm surprised she told you."
"Of course she is."
"He was never my favorite."
"Now you think she should kill him?"
"No one knows why people do what they do."
"Come on, bring the wine."
"Kodak reinvented the wheel, they're gonna hear that 10 times."
"Can you get me the, uh, Brighton Hotel, Times Square?"
"Yes, uh, sorry to bother you so late, I'm looking for someone, a tenant of yours, some, some months back."
"Yes, uh, I'd love to know if he left a forwarding address, his name is, uh, Adam Whitman"
"Just a forwarding address, I'm trying to contact him. He has red hair. Over 6 feet."
"What?"
"Adam Whitman?"
"Oh."
"OK."
"Are we on fire?"
"Harry, come here, I want to talk to you."
"Harry, I want to talk to you."
"What is the benefit of that thing?"
"Yeah, and the wheel stacks, you store your slides in it and it's ready to go."
"What'd you take pictures of?"
"Artsy, like what? Like reflection of a tree in a pond?"
"Black and white, I suppose."
"Signature of the artist."
"That'll be all."
"Good for you."
"That's a real account, Campbell, how'd that happen."
"That's generous."
"Congratulations, I'm sure with a little bit of lawyering your entitled to that bonus."
"Well, you do now, don't you?"
"I am."
"Well, technology is a glittering lure. But, uh, there's the rare occasion when the public can be engaged on a level beyond flash if they have a sentimental bond with the product. My first job, I was in house at a fur company with this old pro copywriter, Greek, named Teddy. And Teddy told me the most important idea in advertising is 'new'. Creates an itch. You simply put your product in there as a kind of calamine lotion. But he also talked about a deeper bond with the product, 'nostalgia'. It's delicate, but potent. Sweetheart. Teddy told me that in Greek nostalgia literally means the pain from an old wound. It's a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn't a spaceship, it's a time machine. It goes backwards, forwards. It takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It's not called the wheel, it's called the carousel. It lets us travel the way a child travels. Round and around and back home again to a place where we know we are loved."
"You know what, Pete? I've got a way for you turn this account into a homerun. Clearasil, you know who buys that? Young girls. What a difference it makes in their lives to be blemish free."
"We have the perfect writer for that. Peggy Olsen."
"Freddy Rumsen and I were both very impressed with her insight."
"Excuse me?"
"You'll have to give back that copy of Ayn Rand."
"Peggy."
"Miss Olsen, you are now a junior copywriter. Your first account will be delivering Clearasil to the spotted masses."
"Yes, it is."
"Good to hear. Mr. Campbell here will brief you after the holiday."
"That'll be all."
"Hello?"
"I'm coming with you."
"I'll pack the car, we'll be there before midnight. Daddy's coming with you."
"Hello? Hello?"

(Thanks for visiting Unlikely Words. If you liked what you read Subscribe to RSS, check out our About Page, read some of our favorite posts or follow us on Twitter)

###

Possibly related posts:

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 2

aaron cohen — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 14:23:22 +0000

Last week was Season 1 and a couple months ago was Season 3. And now, I give you, Everything Tracy Jordan Said in season 2 of 30 Rock.

These are submitted without context, which some people seem to like and others, not so much. There's a big internet out there, though, so if you don't like it, I'm sure there's something else for you.

Episode 1
-Yo, Ken, I'm'a use this whole the kitchen area as my bathroom, spread the word.

-She froze my credit cards, Liz Lemon, and she got custody of Griz. Can I keep my cockatiel in your office?

-Pop. What? I'm not apologizing, 'cuz for once in my life I haven't done anything wrong. How many years have you known me, Liz Lemon?

-So you know I like to minister to transvestite prostitutes.

-So Labor Day weekend I see this young she-dude at the dumpster by the 40/40. I pull over and I say you don't have to live your life like this. You can be a freaky-deaky and do data entry. What about court reporting? Believe in yourself.

-So as I reach in the trash and pull this dude out, a paparazzo jumps out and takes a picture of me.

-Whose gonna do my banking? Whose gonna write my blogs? Whose gonna do the cooking on Taco Wednesdays?

-So he's like my office wife?

-Kenneth Parcell, would you take this ring…and sell it in the Jewish part of midtown and use the money to get us a Nintendo Wii?

-I couldn't sleep at all last night. Angie kept my Sharper Image white noise aroma therapy machine. She knows I can't sleep without the sound of ocean and the smell of bacon.

-I'm not doing any of that.

-Great compromise, office wife.

-Liz Lemon, I need you to go my and pretend you're doing a survey for the Radford Group and then ask my wife if she's sleeping with DL Hugley.

-JS!

-What's up? Liz Lemon, me and this dude used to do stand up together. Remember the night we had the threeway with Elaine Boosler, haha?

-Oh yeah, you know what? I think that was a mirror.

-JS, this is my Kenneth.

-Mad at you, Ken, I seen the way you was looking at Seinfeld. You used to look at me like that. What, am I not a big enough star for you anymore?

-Oh no! Did a Korean person die?

-Don't do it, Liz Lemon. I know what me and Kenneth have looks perfect on the outside, but it's work, damn it. It's work.

Episode 2
-Yo, Ken. Angie and Griz is coming by to drop some of my stuff off.

-Yeah, but I want her to know that I'm having a good time on my own, so you should go get us some party hats. The pointy kind.

-No, cuz things have been said that cannot be taken back. She called my vanity license plate inscrutable! ICU81MI. Hilarious! Angie is in the past like Dracula and broadcast television.

-What, who?! That guy Mike that redid our driveway?... Nah, whatever. She should find someone new. Doesn't bother me!

-Oh.. Check this out. My key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Mm. Look at this, my gold record from that novelty party song. 'Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.'

-Yeah, I miss you, Griz.

-Hey, Ken!

-I only got 11-12 hour sleep last night. I got something on my mind grapes I need to talk to you about.

-I saw you hitting on Angie the other day. Seeing you with her. It opened my eyes.

-Yeah. All those years fooling around wasn't fair to her. So you gotta make it fair! I want you to go to my house and make love to my wife, Ken.

-My home address is in the GPS under 'Da Crib 'cuz we live on Dacrib Avenue. Now you go to Angie…And you make sure you pleasure her.

-What have I done? Kenneth should be back by now. What's going on over at my house? Ugh. No. No. Eww. I gotta stop this.

-I'm gonna kill you, Kenneth the page.

-It was a gesture, Angie. I'm saying I'm sorry.

-But, baby.

-What do you want? I'm willing to try anything.

-Alright. If that's what it takes. If that's what it takes.

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 3
-I'm whipped. Angie got me up at 7.30 today. Did you know in the morning they have food, TV, almost everything? It's pretty good.

-Hi.

-Hey, Liz Lemon. I been reading the newspaper to come up with some ideas for some topical sketches. So this week could we do Business Section?

-Yeah, everything is great.

-Yeah, word, where is my lovely wife?

-Oh, I'm going to as strip club then.

-I'm sorry, Liz, this is who I am. You can't ask a bird not to fly. You can't ask a fish not to swim. You can't ask a tiger not to turn back into a Chinese dude at midnight.

-I feel bad about doing this to you, Liz Lemon, I really do, and the only way I can better about myself is to be booby slapped by a coked out Russian stripper. I'm out.

-Hey, everybody, I'm back from doing whatever Liz Lemon said.

-Uh, my cobra, Ramsey, he had got sick so I took him to the vet. Then my thumb got caught in my butt so I nodded my head til it came out.

-It was all Liz Lemon's fault. The whole plan was hers.

-Goodbye forever, Liz Lemon, thank you for being my secretary.

-No, Liz Lemon, don't do it.

-Oh, wait a minute. Enough, damn it, enough! Do I have to fix this situation? I am the immature one, but the both of you, you're forcing me to act like an adult. An adult! And even worse, you're making me stop 2 ladies from going at it, but I don't care, 'cuz I'm putting my foot down.

-Uh huh. Baby, you got to go. You're controlling, you're manipulative, you're loud.

-Huh?

-Mmmm.

-Mm. Wait a minute, let me get this shirt off.

Episode 4
-He has a microwave for a head!

-Hey, Jack.

-If you desecrate something, is that bad?

-I doubt if anybody noticed. 'Who brought stars and bright stars, to the party last night, for the rascals we fought.' Who'd ever known there was so many words, it was like a Mos Def CD.

-I love this country.

-I think I can handle that.

-Hahaha. Hahahah.

-We gotta start doing dog fights.

-I know it's repulsive and hideous, but it's the only thing Jack Donaghy told me I cannot do, so I gotta do it! Understand?

-Dog fighting it is, make it happen.

-Well, bring them in. I feel sick to my stomach about dog fighting, but what can you do when they tell you not to? This could get ugly.

-Wha-what? No! You idiots. I built a dog fighting pit in my basement for this?

-That 227 movie? New Jack ACity.

-I don't know. I always been this way. 'You're not my dad.' 'You're not my dad.' 'You're not my dad.'

-You're not my dad. You can't tell me what it's about.

-Just some heavy thinking. And this spotlight is the only place I could go to get away from it all.

-But how do I forgive someone that I don't know? Boy, if I could just talk to him once. Just once.

- I don't need the therapy! I'm just mentally ill!

-You're not my dad! We're doing therapy.

-Who's crazier me or Ann Curry?

-Like my wife and I do? Cool. You be the maid, I want you to scream. Donaghy, you play the matador.

-Ah, this is stupid!

-You sound nothing like my dad.

-All I know is he came from Funky North Philly, he worked in the Campbell Soup factory, and he had a droopy lip due to an untended root canal.

-I'm mad at you dad.

-'Cuz you left me, dad!

-Is this true, mom?

-Be me now.

-Now do the white dude that my moms left my dad for.

-Woahhhh. No need to resort to ugly stereotypes.

-No dad! Don't die! I love you, dad! I don't wanna dog fight no more.

-Thank you for showing me there really is love in my family after all and I need to stay the hell away from them. Donaghy, you're the only family I need, Jacky D.

Episode 5
-What's up, Lemon?

-How can no one go to Ken's party? He's such a great dude.

-Noooo. I can't. I only go to A-List events.

-No, don't sweat it, 'cuz I'm gonna bail you out. I'm gonna turn Ken's jam into a major event.

-See, all a hot party needs is mystique, a buzz. See people are like lemmings. Harvey Lemmings, my lawyer, who never misses a party.

-I just have to start a little rumor. Who are the biggest gossips on TGS?

-Griz and Dotcom.

-Hey, fellas. Heard a secret about Kenneth's party. Ken went to high school in Georgia with the rapper TI. They're boys. TI might show up. But listen, we can't let anyone know. Anyone. Got it?

-I am surprised to hear that because that is new information.

-He is?

-Huh?

-Foxy Boxing? I love Foxy Boxing! It combines my two favorite things. Boxing and referees! I got to get into that party, man. Get me Harvey Lemmings!

-Just like Colonial Williamsburg.

-I couldn't. This means too much to Ken.

-It's not going to, this party's about to become a Tracy Jordan Joint!

-Here we go! Haha!

Episode 6
-I was trying, Liz Lemon, but I can't concentrate. Somebody on my block is making waffles and it's making me horny.

-Hey, KK, how's it hanging?

-Well, you know what I do when I lose something? I yell real loud until I find it. So what is it that you lost?

-Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!

-Well why don't you just do like I do and sell your autograph at the car show?

-Who was that?

-Don't lie to me, Jack. I've had plenty of women mad at me the morning after. Just don't let her light your sneakers on fire in the bathtub.

-So then what's the problem?

-Oh, I get it. Romeo and Juliet. Capulets and Romulans. Mmmhmm. I been there. I'm black, she's white, I'm black, she's light skinned black, I'm black, she's 17. Huh, hey listen. If she's your soulmate, you go for it.

-Sure, where is it?

-I know where that building is, I get my Jamaican meat pies there.

-Tell her that you want her privates and your privates to do a high five.

-Tell her your butt look like an apple and you want to take a bite.

-Tell her she got some tig old bitties like the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Tell her you want her to donate her body to science and you science, tell her, Jack.

-Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon, have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 7
-Hey, Liz Lemon, I'm going to an animals only strip club. Interested?

-Animal customers, that's ridiculous.

-JD!

-I want you to meet the baseball team I'm coaching. A group of fine young men and one special lady. Dijonaise is a boy's name? Pardon me.

-I wasn't. My motorcycle hit a police horse. This is community service. These kids come from Knuckle Beach, the worst neighborhood in New York. They are poor as hell.

-That's right. You shoot for the stars.

-These aren't winners. They're 0-17. Damn, we supposed to be at the game right now. 0-18. That one's on Coach Tracy.

-Come on, gather round. Circle up. Everybody circle up. Alright circle up. Circle up. Around me. Around me. Alright, listen up. That's enough. There's a weird dude standing over and I don't want to get shot today so great hustle, great practice ok the weird dude is gone, go home.

-You don't get these kids, Jack, they don't care about winning, they just want to be able to go outside for once. You know, our first practice they asked me what the sun was.

-You wanted to see me?

-Practice, meetings, what is this, a marriage?

-Jack, have you ever been to Knuckle Beach? It's a different world! A world where Orange Soda is an acceptable substitute for breast milk.

-Bush?! Now I don't want to go off on a rant here.

-You can't wear blue in Knuckle Beach, which is hard because jeans go with everything.

-Now you're gonna blame this on me? I told you this was gonna to happen.

-Kenneth!

-I don't want to talk about it, Ken, you'll hear all I have to say about Jack Donaghy in my tell-all book, 'Betrayal Colon What Really Happened With My Baseball Team, Disaster at Knuckle Beach Question Mark'

-What do you want, Jack?

-Of course they did, they're afraid to go north of 245th St. Next you'll be telling me you let Rashan have contact with his birth mother?

-Jack I told you you did not know what you were getting yourself into it.

-No way, JD.

-Just because I don't support Jack Donaghy doesn't mean I don't support the kids.

-Wow. Jack, if I come back to the team, can I throw these things away and not have to read'em.

-Alright, Jack. What's the plan?

-That's 2 words!

-Damn, I can't believe we're winning.

-Yeahhhh!

Episode 8
-OK, enough! How long are we gonna talk about the stupid award? We have more important things to worry about like where are the french fries I did not ask for. You guys need to anticpate me! OK, forget it. I can't rehearse today!

-It's not fair, Liz Lemon. Everybody wins awards, but me. Even Shaquille O'Neil got a Kids' Choice award for that animated movie we did.

-Boy, I hope we rescue the Starfish King on this adventure.

-Would you call what we did last night sex?

-I spent 2 days making that movie from my home and what did I get out of it? A million dollars, a yellow Bentley and nothing. I never win anything. Look at this coffee cup my kids got me for Father's Day. I'm a failure, Liz Lemon. Maybe I should just give up and try this crystal meth I've been hearing so much about.

-Come on, Lemon!

-Pacific Rim? I love the Pacific Rim. I spent 9 months in Japan shooting Samurai Iamarai. I fell in love with their culture, especially sharking.

-It's when you run to a lady on the streets and pull her tubetop down while your friend video tapes it. It's considered a crime here. Thanks a lot, Puritans.

-Hell, yeah! I do not want to disappoint my Japanese public, especially Godzilla. Ahaahaha. I'm just kidding, I know he doesn't care what humans do.

-Hey, Liz Lemon, when am I leaving for Japan 'cuz I have to arrange for a snake nanny.

-Noooo. I told my kids they could watch their dad get an award so it has to at least be live via satellite.

-Perfect, just when I get back from Maiden Voyage, Newark's first offshore gentleman's barge. I'm gonna get the kids and we're coming straight here.

-Liz Lemon know who keep the lights around here, but I couldn't do it without my background players that's why I want you and Josh to be there for my award. Then afterwards maybe I'll let you hold it. Then you can check out my award. Ahhahaha. Banter!

-Oh, people of the Pacific Rim, how you feel?! Alright, I like to thank my wife. My 2 sons, Tracy Jr and George Foreman. This Josh, dude. Haha. Liz Lemon. Uhh. Bald headed Pete for setting up the satellite. And of course, a very special blonde lady. Shelly Long, you're truly an inspiration to me, I know that. Haha. And finally, I'd like to thank all you Pacific Rimmers for all that you've given us. Ah karaoke, karate and most of all, watazombieataku, shark attack!

-You let Jenna take off in the middle of the day? If she gets to do that, then I'm doing this week's show as my alter-ego, Professor Cosmatothis.

-Yeah, dude, you got a fro-hawk, man what do you think you're better than us?

-Doctor Haircut.

Episode 9
-So it's my fault diners can serve alcohol in New York state? That's on me now? Now I have to wear this for 30 days. If I even have a drop of alcohol in my sweat, a signal goes to ankle bracelet headquarters in Denver and I go to jail.

-And now, this time of the year: Ludichristmas, Nude Year's Eve, Martin Luther King Day, all you do is drink.

-But.

-The holidays without drinking is rough. Turns out football is boring, my wife's sister ain't as cute as I though she was and I can not play the guitar.

-But tonight is Ludichristmas.

-K, thanks for trying to help, but I'm gonna go home, do some thinking and tell my wife's sister to disregard all my emails.

-Yeah, I mean, what are you guys doing? Going to Ludichristmas?

-No, no, I can't go, because of the ankle bracelet. Or maybe I could go and just not drink. Hey, maybe I'll compromise. I'll go to the party, cut off my foot and drink all I want.

-Ludichristmas! Ludichristmas! Ludichristmas! Ludichristmas! Ludichristmas!

-Listen, we done learned our lesson about the big tree or whatever, this has got to stop now.

-That's right.

-Is this a culture where toplessness is common?

-We should go downstairs and chop down the big tree!

-Yes it is. We are sending a message to all of those who have forgotten the scruples of Christmas. 'Cux in order to stay sane, you have to go crazy. I had a couple of drinks before the meeting. Hold that, Kenneth? This is a flask! So ya'll probably shouldn't be listening to me. Hahahaha.

Episode 10
-OK, everybody listen up. This cappuccino machine is my way of saying sorry for what happened the other day.

-Hahaha. My father?

-OK, that may have been a dream. Anyway, enjoy!

-But you could have coffee any time you want.

-Ken, this is New York, the big easy, live a little! Boundaries are made to be tested, that's why my wife and I stopped using a 'safe word'.

-Regrets are for horseshoes and handbags.

-Hey, slow down there, Ken. Coffee is not like alcohol, it's pretty addictive.

-I'm getting rid of the machine, Ken, for your own good.

-Get a grip. Look at yourself.

-You rode the brown serpent, but the important thing is you survived, Ken.

-So you had a little bender?

-What? No, you can't leave, Ken. Whose gonna help me tell white people apart?

-New York, mmmm, proved too much for the man. He couldn't make it. So he's leaving the life he's come to know. He's leaving. On that midnight to Georgia. Woo woo.

-Yes, he's leaving. Leaving on that midnight train.

-On that midnight.

-He missed it?

-He missed that midnight train.

-Woo woo.

-Misinformed about the time, didn't even get to stand in line.

-He missed that midnight train to Georgia.

-Nothing, Gladys Knight. Sorry. Sorry everyone.

Episode 11
-Someone put too many farts in this engine. It's about to explode!

-It's farting, it's farting!

-Liz Lemon, I'm'a miss the show this week. Jack is sending me to do standup in Dubai! I'm'a do jokes on airplane food. It's all new to them.

-Well, don't blame me, blame Jack, he's the one I'm splitting the $3 million with.

-Liz Lemon, I can't believe what you said in the paper.

-Yeah, that cartoon said exactly what you said the other day.

-If you decide to sue them, I know a good lawyer. Took me to the cleaners last year.

-Order. Order I say. We must not be rash. We must divorce ourselves from our prejudices and appeal to our higher reasoning. This is the speaking banana. Everyone will get a chance to speak and only then will we make our decision. Josh, my friend, you are first.

-That dude did it.

-Look at his light eyes. They freaky like a wolf.

-I love it up here, it's hot, it's loud, it's like Miami.

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 12
-What? Helllll no. Black people supporting Republicans? Does hot support cold? Does rain support the earf?

-Mmmnn.

-If I paid taxes, I sure would.

-Go on.

-I love states' rights!

-Lincoln was a Republican?

-Damn, the Republican party sounds pretty attuned to my unique way of life. But I'd be turning my back on my people to support it. You've put me in a quandary, Jack Donaghy. A quandary.

-What is this place?

-Richard Nixon? Wow, I can't believe I'm dead. There was still so much left on my bucket list. So many different kinds of buckets I wanted to own. Buckets.

-And Watergate.

-Wow, you were a Republican?

-Wow.

-I got a mission!

-I'm in! Jacky D, Nixon's ghost convinced my ghost to help the GOP.

-Sounds good, but I can't talk now, I gotta get my wallet out of the toaster.

-My fellow Blackmericans! Hey Jack, can I just say black Americans? There's no such thing as Blackmericans.

-My fellow black Americans, Dr King once had a dream, a dream that we all share, to build a 200 foot high wall to keep Mexico out. And he also hated the estate tax.

-Jack, I don’t know about this.

-I get it, the Republican party means less taxes, more guns, and the end of the gun tax.

-But everybody isn't forward thinking like I am. And no matter what, Blackmericans is gonna always vote Democrat.

-Mmmhmm.

-Black people! Don't vote. Just don't do it. In the amount of time it takes for you to vote, you could play 3 games of pool. 3! Now that's fresh. I'm Tracy Jordan and I improved this message.

-Yes it does. Now if you'll excuse me, Nixon asked me to take some stuff out of his Wikipedia page.

Episode 13
-Pay attention to me. I'm inconsolable.

-Tracy Junior left his music stick at home.

-So I drove to the school to give it to him and guess what I discovered?

-Excuse me, I…

-If I'm such a bad dad, why are we all dancing?

-My own son is ashamed of his father.

-They think I'm a joke because I clown around for a living. I got to do something important so that my children will respect me like be a senator or a wizard.

-Everybody calm down! Gotta think of an idea. Something that will change the world. Eureka!

-We should call Eureka, she always has good ideas.

-The after you carbonate it, you drink it!

-Damn it, why is leaving your children a legacy that'll live forever so hard? It's been almost half an hour.

-Yeah, I need to clear my thoughtcicles. Which of my two favorite pastimes shall I indulge in? Video games or pornography? That's it! Make a porn video game.

-Tell it to me in Star Wars.

-They're nice.

-He acts like he doesn’t care, but he does.

-I'm scared. Get me outta there.

-That's where you're wrong. I was born to design a video game where characters get weird with each other for golden points.

-My genius will not be denied. I'm like Mozart. You're like that guy who was always jealous of Mozart.

-No thank you. I already ate.

-You will not deter me, the world, is gonna remember the name Tracy Jordan.

-No, for the first time in my life I know my purpose. I'm doing this, for my children. My genius is come alive. Like toys when your back is turned. I see the potential for erotica in everything around me. This cup. This table. Even you, Kenneth.

-I'm inventing a porn video game!

-Duet becomes a trio. Trio becomes a quartet. And on and on. Do you have it?

Episode 14
-Hey, look. Lutz is still eating.

-Give me it.

-Look, Liz Lemon's sandwich is still on her desk.

-But as far as Liz Lemon knows, her sandwich never came.

-Lutz made us do it!

-You think I'm a patsie I'm'a..

-Please ask my permission before you quote me, Kenneth.

-We'll get Liz Lemon her sandwich. I'm an international superstar. The teamsters will be honored that I'm even talking to them.

-[Singing and tap dancing] That old soft shoe is coming around the bend.

-And I can't drink! I still got my Hollywood sock on.

-Hahahaha.

-Batteries dead. I've got a half hour until they track me down.

-[Singing] I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow, oh Danny boy…

Episode 15
-Liz Lemon, do these look like wizard nipples to you?

-Exactly! It's all wrong. These roles are so clear in my head.

-The working title is Gorgasm Colon The Legend of Dongslayer.

-Yeah, you fixulate this.

-Liz Lemon, do you know what it's like to the only one who cares about your job when everybody else around is goofing off like a bunch of goofoffs.

-Uh oh. Emotions. Are you having your woman times?

-Stop. Stop. It's not working. It's not… Not you, Griz, you're doing great.

-But, Jenna, you're not doing good acting. Don't over think it. I don't need another Judy Dench situation. Let's just skip ahead to the list of player sensuality options. These avatars need to be able to do anything to each other.

-Now give me a little robot.

-Now like it's a secret.

-Sexy.

-Yes.

-Good.

-Now that we are in a zone, I want you to give me some random sex sounds.

-Wonderful, wonderful. Let's take it from the top. This time let's record.

-Yo, Frank.

-Yes. It is just a prototype, but I want you to be the first. To play it. Tell me what you think.

-You earned it.

-Frank, you been in you're office for 3 months!

-Yes! I'm gonna be a billionaire.

(Thanks for visiting Unlikely Words. If you liked what you read Subscribe to RSS, check out our About Page, read some of our favorite posts or follow us on Twitter)

###

Possibly related posts:

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 1

aaron cohen — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 16:32:26 +0000

A couple months ago, I posted Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 3 of 30 Rock. I said if you guys wanted it, I'd go back and do Season 1 and Season 2. Well, you wanted it, so here's Season 1 and I'll post Season 2 next week.

As I said before, it's the combination of delivery and content that gets me and again, these lines were transcribed completely without context. A lot of times context makes them funnier and a lot of times lack of context does. Leave your favorite lines in the comments, enjoy!

Episode 1
-I am a Jedi. I am a Jedi. I am a Jedi.

-I'll have an apple juice.

-Then I'll take a vodka and tonic.

-I know who you are.

-Let me ask you a question, everyone at this table. Did he just say the word 'pumpkin' to me?

-Yo! I'm bugging. I can't do this. I cannot eat here. I can't eat here. I got to go to someplace where they make food that I like. Lemon, let's go.

-Ohh. Ohhh. Goodness gracious, you hooligans better watch out, cuz this honky grandma be tripping.

-Where's the love? Right on and let me get 2 half a chickens and some pecan waffles.

-Eat, Lemon, eat! I hate skinny women. Hey, Alana, 10 beers.

-Nah, I ain't doing it unless I get to do it my way. You know I want it to be raw. HBO style content.

-Cuz I want to drop truth bombs! You know how pissed off I was when US Weekly said that I was on crack? That's racist. I'm not on crack. I'm straight up mentally ill.

-You know I got mental health issues.

-Yeah, yeah, I like risky. See, me and you? We play the game. We know how to be acceptable. Hello, great meeting. I drink coffee, please. This show is our chance to break the shackles, cuz the white dudes want to see us fail.

-All of them. Jack Donaghy, General Electric, George Bush, Karl Robe.

-Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other. To distract us while white dudes inject aids into our chicken nuggets. That's a metaphor.

-Hey, Lemon, you like karaoke? I know a joint.

-I'll take you, I'll take you! I just gotta make a quick stop first.

-You know why I should do this TV show, Lemon?

-To get you rich! Cuz you know if I'm on that TV show it's going to blow up.

-Your teeth. You got to think like these strippers, Lemon. They know the window of opportunity is only open for a moment. You gotta get in while you're young, get the money, and get out.

-Neither do they! Yes, they do.

-Ohhhhlalalala. We're strong! No one can tell us we're wrong. Searching our heart for so long.

-Hell no!

-From Chicago? I was in Scottie Pippen's wedding.

-He fired Pete? He can't fire Pete.

-Mm?

-Mmhmm. Yeah, suck it, Pete.

-Hey, Lemon, I'll drop you off. Where do you live?

-I wanna see that.

-Oh. Oh. Pull over. Pull over here.

-Right here.

-This is where I grew up.

-Wasn't no Jordan family nothing. This is where I was in foster care.

-Me and two other dudes and a girl with messed up fingers.

-I'm so lucky I got out of here.

-About what?

-Alright.

-Excuse me, where's the manager? I'm from the government and I'm here to inspect your chicken nuggets.

-Uh, oh. Look at shorty. This honky grandma be tripping!

-Wassup, America? I'm coming into your house live! Let me hear you say we love you, Tracy!

-I am the third heat!

-Ahhh, yeah. Holla at your boy.

-I can't wait to do this with you every week. Haha!

Season 2
-How you feel, NBC tour? Cuz you look good like a solid gold candy bar!

-Give up the butt, ladies. Give up the butt!

-Jack! Haha! Oh my goodness. It's good to see you again, brother. It's good to see you again.

-Come on, Jack, now you know I'm the kid. I'm easy like Sunday morning. Don't look at me. Do not look at me in the eyes.

-Hey, Pete? You smoke weed, right, Pete? Me neither. Me and you, Pete. Me and you, heeheehee.

-Don't just sit there, come over here and give me some sugar.

-Well, if you ever want to piss your parents off, you come see me.

-Let me just say, I'm excited to be here. It's an honor for you to meet me. I got a lotta characters I'm ready to bust out. I got a character named Biscuit, write that up. Got another character named Renaldo who's a 2 foot tall Spanish hustler. Glasses, I want you to write that one. Got another character named Ching Chong who loves to play ping pong. I just made that up right now, cuz that's how I flow. Now I'm up for anything.

-No. I don't like that.

-So I said, 'Rick, this chick's got an Adam's apple. And, Rick said to me, I'll never forget this, 'Freakydeekys need love, too. Freakydeekys need love, too.'

-So, how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable?

-Nuh uh. Superman does good. You're doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.

-Lemon. Lemon. Can I be real with you? I haven't a real job in like, 2 years. I'm not used to all these, all these cue cards and all of that.

-You're right, I got this. Thanks for looking for me, Lemon. I'ma crush it. Let's show these people how a movie star does it.

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. I'm proud as a peacork, baby.

-What'd I say?

-Peacock, think peacock. Right, Jenna?

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. I'm proud as a peaCOCK, baby.

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. Right, Jenna Malbany?

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. I'm proud as a peacock. Right, my bologna?

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black, NBC. Very proud. Like peacocks. Right, Janet? I think we got it. I think we got it.

-Please, you can't hurt me. I did stand up on Rome, the crowd once threw a motorcycle at me.

-Which on is Toofer?

-Oh.

-Let's crash my car to see if the airbags go off.

-Mostly mad at you.

-Nah, nah, nah, nah. This is what we gonna do, Lemon. You gonna get everyone on my yacht. Harbor cruise, drinks, togetherness.

-I got a yacht, a solid gold jet ski, 2 Batmobiles, the AIDS monkey's bones..

-Welcome. Welcome to your fantasy.

-Oh, yeah. I've taken this boat many places. Miami, Tokyo, Denver.

-What?

-Oh, that's Spanish for remember your mother.

-My bologna? Look at you. Wow.

-Let me make you a drink. You love apple martinis, right?

-I read your interview in Amtrak magazine.

-Mmmhmm.

-I didn't know that. Hey Toofer, see if I got any Schnapps.

-It's for you. Take it, my friend.

-I hear you sing. I didn't know that. Why don't you sing something for me.

-I do.

-Hey, hey, Griz, don't wreck this boat!

-Don't worry. He was in the Navy.

-I'm Bill Cosby, Jello sweaters.

-You don't have to thank me, Lemmon, we're a team now. Like Batman and Robin. Like chicken and chicken container.

-It's Spanish for 'remember your mother'. I've taken this boat to Denver. You can have that Scotch. Griz was in the Navy.

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 3
-Josh, you and me. Thursday night. I know this guy that runs an underground bird fight.

-Poker night? I love poker. I used to play all kinds of poker with my aunts. Crazy Sevens. Albuquerque Freak Out. One Card Stud.

-Whatever. Get ready to get took.

-Remind me what's better, a pair of black aces? Or a pair of red aces?

-Donaghy. What up?

-This round, Texas Doozie. Face cards are wild. Threes are jinx. Fives are twooos.

-Be my guest. Show me love.

-OK, Rainman, tell me what I got.

-I'm out.

-Damn, Jack, you went all out! That's a giant shrimp.

-I been playing for two hours. I'm tired of losing. I'ma let my boy Dotcom play a hand for me.

-So hey, Dotcom, are we going to those three clubs tonight?

-You know the doctor said I had four hearts in my body?

-Damn it.

Episode 4
-What's up, Ken?

-Thanks, Ken. You done good.

-But I want you to know something. You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. Cuz I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving.

-So here's some advice I wish I would have got when I was your age... Live every week like it's shark week.

-K, my boy. What's the frequency, Ken? Yo, I need you to grab me some lunch.

-I want nachos. From Yankee Stadium.

-Meebeepribbybibby.

-Do you want to know another key to success?

-Dress every day like you gonna get murdered in those clothes.

-You did real good the other day with those nachos, but I need you to do something of a different nature. Would you agree when I say that a man's freedom only exists when he's free to pursue his desires.

-Which means, when the law conflicts with our desires then we must operate outside the law. You following me?

-Now I got a mission for you.

-Hahah. You done good, Ken. That thing ever goes missing or gets into the public water supply? We don't know each other.

-I got one little errand for you to run. Tomorrow is my anniversary and I almost forgot about it. But what did I tell you was the secret to having a good marriage and keeping it together, Kenneth?

-That’s my boy! That's why I want you to go see my jeweler.

Episode 5
-Rehearsal? We did a show last week. I'm just here to pick up a paycheck.

-It's not gonna work? Next Friday is Damon Dash's birthday party and the Friday after that is an orgy over at Elizabeth's.

-Can't do it. I'm an improviser. My acting style is like jazz. Jazz that you laugh at. Benaneemeeenbeneeeebbene. Hahahahaa.

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black, NBC. Very proud. Like peacocks. Right, Janet?

-Nah, Lemon. I'll do that later. I gotta bounce.

-Let's go rescue Karen or whatever. Is it Cheryl? Then she can tell us where the drugs are. I mean gold. Then we got the car chase. I'm getting way too old for this. Was I supposed to say that there?

-I don't know what to tell you. They making me rehearse. I know Pat Benatar rarely performs live. Scalp the damn tickets!

-Cool, I'll read those later, Lemon.

-Can I read?

-So you're asking me if I'm illiterate?

-So I could like, leave work early if I need a tutor?

-I can't read Liz Lemon. My shameful secret is out. Now you know why I'm always running into the ladies bathroom. I can't read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent! I think I voted for Nader! Nader!

-I feel as though a great weight has been lifted off of me, Liz Lemon. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. All thanks to one very, very special white lady. I'll be in late tomorrow.

-Damn, George Will just gets more and more conservatives.

-Shamon. Yeah, I had to go to reading class. You hear this mess about Y sometimes being a vowel? What a world.

-Yeah, alright, cool.

-Yeah. It's good. I like it.

-Really. I'll be leaving early today.

-Fine, yes. I'm literate. I even have a column in Ebony called Musings.

-I'm unbelievable? What about your racist mess? Thinking a grown man is illiterate. That's the subtle racism of lowered expectations. Bing Crosby said that.

-That's racist.

-But this job is hard. I just want to be able to do what I want to do. You know I once shot a whole movie without getting out of my car.

-But we're cool, right Mr. Donaghy?

Episode 6
-Did you see this? It's horrible! They're printing libel about me again. Libel, Liz Lemon!

-That's what I'm saying! That's character assassination! That's not normal! It only looks like I'm walking out of a Starbucks, when actually I'm doing the robot going backwards INTO a Starbucks! And I don't even know whose dog that is! Yes, I steal dogs.

-I can't be normal. If I'm normal, I'm boring. If I'm boring, I'm not a movie star. If I'm not a movie star, then I'm poor! And poor people can't afford to pay back the $75,000 in cash they owe Quincy Jones!

-Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

-Wassup?

-Uh huh? Who normal now? You hear me America? Whose normal now?

-I got this tattoo for the good of the show. Gives us an edge. The reason why you brought me on. And when you purchase Tracy Jordan, he comes with a tattoo of a biblical dragon from outer space.

-You can't put makeup on my tattoo, Liz Lemon, it's in my contract.

-Damn it, where's my Sharpie?

-Look, I'm crazy, not stupid. Movie star can't have a big old permanent face tattoo. I just need to walk around with this for a week. Get my picture on the interweb. Show the world I'm still dangerous.

-I had extreme plastic surgery to have it removed? Baboom! That's another not normal.

-I need to protect my reputation. You take away my street cred I'm Wayne Brady.

-I shouldn't expect a white woman from Whiteville to understand street cred.

-And I'm Condoleezza Rice.

-Yo, this blackout messed me up. I didn't get to debut my dragon face. Could I do the Today Show tomorrow.

-Tattoo's fake, Donaghy, fake.

Episode 7
-I am a stabbing robot. I will stab you. I will stab you. I am-.

-I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America.

-Me and my wife like to play rape. She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then, I put on a ski mask...

-I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding-dong.

-Or I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.

-I was pooping in the ladies' room at The Ivy...

-My hair hurts. Anybody gonna answer the phone? Is anybody gonna answer the phone? The phone! It's ringing. Brriiinnng. Brriinnnggg.

-Where your feet at, blue man?

-What else? What else is on my mind-grapes? I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan and not the Minister Farrakhan you're thinking of. Whose that dude?

-The blue dude. Tell him to stop staring at me. I don't like that dude. I don't like that dude.

-Yes, I am having trouble with my cable television. Yes I will hold. Excuse me, I have another call. Hi Mom. I am doing fine.

-I'm bugging out. I'm bugging out. I'm bugging out.

-Dr. Spaceman. Dr. Spaceman.

-Dr. Spaceman. Dr. Spaceman.

-Blue man. That blue dude keep following me. Ahhhhhh.

-Stop. No. Ahhh. No. Nah. Blue man. Always running up on me, Mr. blue man.. I can't take the Blue man. I don't want the blue man. You want a piece of me? We can box it, though.

-Ahhh. Ahhhh.

-[Chewbacca noise] No! Past Pete is here to kill future Pete. [Chewbacca noise]

-[Chewbacca noise]

-Mr. blue man. Gonna tell me my feet stink? You don't even have feet. Blue man.

-Blue man, where your feet at.

-Nooo. Ooohhh. Ooooh. Nooo.

Episode 8
-Yeah, then I could go, 'Rodney don't make me come over there and make me beat you over the head with one of my boom booms.'

-What's your problem?

-Whatever. I played a woman before. Honky grandma be tripping made $96 million.

-What? It was huge on BET. Every Thursday night at around 9 or 9:15.

-Bernie Mac doesn't do it cuz he be ugly as hell.

-Forget it. I'm not wearing this dress. It's prejudicial.

-That's our show for tonight. See you next week!

-You burned me! There's nothing wrong with a black comedian wearing a dress. Eddie does it. Martin does it. Jamie Foxx. Flip Wilson. Whoopie Goldberg does it everyday. You stole a franchise from me. Shemanda could have been a movie!

-Our comedy gotta do more than make people laugh. Gotta make people think. I wanna hold a mirror up to society and then win world record for biggest mirror.

-Gotta be raw!

-What?

-Are you black?

-Well now you're just being patrinizzle.

-I thought writing with you was gonna be like two brothers writing together. We're not even speaking the same language.

-Come on. Who raised you? Standing there with your pants that fit. Using a wallet. Drinking Starbucks. And what is this!?

-Come on. Where's your heritage? My brother. My homeboy. My ni-.

-Now I have to attend sensitivity training.

-Brothers talk to other brothers like that. I was being friendly.

-It's OK for us to use it with each other. You can call me that. It's a term of endearment.

-Not cool, homie. You might as spray me down with a firehose.

-I wish to file a complaint.

-Sneaky Taiwanese tranny who stole my watch.

-I'm trying to tell him he's my brother. We the only 2 blacks on the show we have to figure out a way to work together. As Professor Martin Luther King said, 'I have a feeling.'

-Ahh. Dude wears if khakis. Uncle Tom party at work. Uncle Tom party at work.

-You know what I think? I think you're ashamed of being black and you're an embarrassment to your community.

-That's it. This is it. This is the sketch we should do.

-Right here you and me. This is deep stuff going on. We gotta write this.

-Ahahaha. Dr. Snow, thank you very much!

-Hello, I'm Star Jones and welcome to the Star Jones gastric bypass cooking show.

-Now you know, I can only eat small portions. Ahhhh. Ah, my goodness, dessert.

Episode 9
-Ahhahha, No, Ahhah.

-I love you to, J-Bird! Yo, I don't like that dude. It's disrespectful when he imitates me. I want him fired.

-How would you like it if I did an impression of you, Liz Lemon? Hi, I'm Liz Lemon. I like to wear man shirts. Watch me skateboard.

-Hurts, doesn't it?

-You always take his side.

-See, I need to be respected, Liz Lemon. But what do you know about respect?

-Well, if you won't do anything about it, then I'll just go over your head. To Donaghy.

-This is how you take care of things, Liz Lemon? I'm going to Jack Donaghy.

-Too late. This is untoward! This is not toward! Psshhhh.

-Yo!

-Damn right! Keeps impersonating me. Makin' me into a caricature!

-Whoooa. Those dudes are crazy. Forget it. I don't need any of that noise.

-For reals?

-Kenneth, get Donaghy on the phone.

-Meebee Jackson's condo?

-A childrens' clothing store in Dubai?

-Too late, Liz Lemon. He called me 5 minutes ago.

-Nothing unusual. Russian mobs, invisible motorcycles, sex pooping.

-Jack Donaghy. Now I know you asked me not to say anything, but I think I know somebody who can help you with your sex poop problem.

-And when you're done with that call my wife and tell her I'm sorry about what happened with me and Keith and them.

Episode 10
-Donaghy, I need your help!

-I need $60 thousand or I'm'a lose my house.

-I need $100 thousand or I'm'a lose both my houses.

-Nah. I lost all of it.

-Griz.

-Hall or Billingham?

-No.

-I like that. Put my name on something. But what would I sell.

-I forgot about that WorldCom mess, why you gotta be so obsessed with telecommunications?

-I need to come up with a big idea for a product to put my name on. Something that no one has thought of. Something crazy.

-Oh, you mean Jesus?

-Eureko!

-Donaghy, stop what you're doing, 'cuz I'm about to blow your mind. Hit it! Tired of your sandwich maker making you angry? Then behold the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine. Stick any 3 meats, whatever you want, bologna, salami, bore, whatever, into this sexy lady and she will melt them all together into one delicious food ball. Never again will you have to suffer through the bread part of your sandwich. I give you the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine. MEAT IS THE NEW BREAD! Aha. What do you think?

-So GE will produce the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine?

-Jack Donaghy, you are the best. You know what? I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?

-No, I'm good.

-Audience, let me ask you a question. How many times has this happened to you?

-Or this?

- Seem familiar?

-Bread is one of the worst things in the world, but we've always needed it, until now. By burning 3 different types of meat together, the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine takes bread out of the equation. Now your sandwiches are all of the good stuff. That's delicious.

-Dr. Spaceman, is it true bread eats away at your brain?

-Well, folks, bread will never maybe attack your brain again because with the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine, say it with me now, meat is the new bread!

-I want these everywhere, I want every person here eating from a Tracy Jordan Meat Machine.

-What happened?

-That one must be defective.

-They all must be like that. Where's Donaghy?

-Only Kenneth.

-What are we gonna do? We can't sell this.

-What?

-Not the Ukraine, I own some property on the Dnieper River.
-Closer to Cherkassy.

-Can't do it, Donaghy, I can't put my name on a product that's gonna hurt people.

-What's this?

-Goldberg or Billingham?

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 11
-Dude, this party was messed up! They had girls dancing in cages. And not the go-go cages. The little dog cages that you crate pitbulls in.

-How dare you, Liz Lemon. I'm not arriving to work, I left the party on a bacon run.

-Woah. What's today's date?

-2007?

-Ahhh, damn it. I knew this was gonna happen. Twofer, pass me some paper.

-My autobiography is due tomorrow.

-Yo, me, Twofer, and Frank are gonna be writing my book all day long and I think my snake is sick so I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly until he poops.

-1979, I was looking for some money in my mother's room and I found some naked pictures under her mattress. She was just sitting there in her house coat holding one of her boobs like this.

-I knew she had must have taken those pictures for her boyfriend Sonny cause Sonny used to come over twice a month and you knew when Sonny was coming over because she used to take us to the store and buy 2 steaks and a bottle of Nair with cocoa butter. How many pages do we have now?

-Make the letters bigger, Toof.

-I have no memory of that, write it up.

-1998. Well, I spent most of the summer in the studio doing my Christmas album, which was huge!

-Imagine Christmas wishes shooting out of your eyes. A candy cake full of snow dreams, a stocking full of smi-hi-hiles. It's a Jordan Christmas.

-Mmhmm.

-Woke up in the camper at the auto show. And that's how 2006 ended. 2007…

-It was early January 2007 that I got the idea to write my autobiography, so I took a meeting at Random House and this dude looked me straight in the eyes and said, 'No, Mr. Jordan, no thank you. We do NOT want your book.' Oops. My bad. That's on me, shut it down.

Episode 12
-What's up, Pete?

-Click, ehhhhhhhhh.

-Pete, Pete, Pete, where's your spinal cord, son?

-Yeah, it seems like you got yourself a Delilah.

-Pete, there are two type of women in the world. One who gives you strength and one who takes strength from you like Delilah took strength from Samson in that movie. My wife gives me strength, make me feel like a man. That's why she's so special.

-That ain't my wife. Go get me a fizzy water.

-It's like this, Pete. I love my wife. I love her. We're a team. That's why eight times a week, I go to the strip club. It brings me energy which I bring back to her.

-Nah. She likes it. Makes me feel strong, like a Samson. Samson!

-Pete Hornberger! Tonight is the night we celebrate our bodies and our minds. Hit it!

-You enjoying yourself, Pete?

-Hey, Supersize, take of that dude. That there is my friend. Saved my life when we was in Desert Storm. Our tank broke down, he killed 14 Germans so we could get the hell outta there.

-Mind your business, son! He's embracing his power.

-You gonna make a mistake tonight!

-Lick her face!

-No, I'm just looking for the lobby, but yes you should do it.

-Be a Samson!

-She's so smooth.

-Hey, that's beautiful, I feel you, Hornberger. Whose that's tickling my feet. Ahhaha. I''m'a kick you in the face, I know that.

-Hey, Pete. Real inspiring what you did back there. Be strong now. When your wife get home, you gonna mess it up?

-Let's go.

-You going down, Pete?

Episode 13
-Hell's yes, Liz Lemon, and I have plans. Me and Angie rented the penthouse at the SoHo Grand where we will drink wine and pleasure each other.

-When you been married 17 years, you have to keep it spicy. That's why me and my wife roleplay. She put on a Girl Scout office and a box of cookies and I answer the door in my boxers. Or I rent out a wheelchair and she pretends to be my caseworker.

-Yeahhhhh.

-Ah, Jackie D. Any other time, but I made plans with my wife tonight.

-Alright. Just one. I gotta be downtown dressed as a ninja by 10.

-Yeahhhh. Sounds good. I just gotta call my wife and tell her I'm gonna be late. Hey, Angie, listen I'm gonna be- -right. I have to go.

-Well, you live it up, JD. You know where to find me if you need me.

-Can I help you?

-Oh no, our room is fine. I mean we don't smell it.

-Well, could you hurry up 'cuz my wife and I are planning a really special night tonight.

-But is it dangerous?

-Oh no, I'm married.

-Who? What?

-Oh, roleplay! Give it to me, baby. Oh, yeah!

-Just be cool. Be cool. Hang tight. Who is it?

-Baby, I'm sorry. But he's going through some stuff.

-Bu-

-Bu-

-OK, Bab-

Episode 14
-Yo, is this about that little redheaded intern? 'Cuz she asked me to take it out.

-I'm not familiar with about half the words in that sentence.

-Is that the gay guy from Project Runway?

-The dude from my checks?

-Alright sure, but thanks for inviting me.

-I'll see you in CT, Jackie D.

-You need to hook me up with one of them helicopters.

-Nah, I don't want to get in it, I want to blow it up and run away from it in slow motion.

-Damn straight. I'm delightful!

-You know the Army be messing with the sun. That's why I keep my junk covered. Once that stuff gets in your head, you're done.

-What's going on?

-Hey, I feel you. Messed-up sugar runs in my family, too.

-I don't have a daughter.

-Ahahah. That's humorous. Hey, how come you don't hire more black people around here?

-How come there's no black people here? Black people can't make light bulbs?

-How come it's just me and Carlton over here?

-So what does this golf thing kick off tomorrow?

-What? I can't help it if he got mad. You know me! I'm'a say what's on my mind, Jack.

-I'm supposed to be a funny black man who says funny things.

-OK. Um, bartender, could you bring me a mustang melon and a bag of BBQ potato chips, 'cuz apparently I'm only here to be a stereotype.

-No, I'm not embarrassing myself, I'm embarrassing you. Guess what, Jack, I'm just getting started.

-Son, I wasn't joking about those chips.

-I sure hope Mr. Jack plays his game good today, otherwise he whups my ass right well when we gets home. Ain't that right, Mr. Jack?

-I studied fried chicken at the school of hard knocks. Ain't that right, Mr. Jack?

-I'm ridiculous. I'm black. I may even be ugly, but dang God, I'm here, I'm here and nothingbutup can keep me from it.

-Would you like me to do a tapdance for you and your big time friends, Mr. Jack? Or I could run around while ya'll throw rocks at me.

-Payback. Way you treated me. You used me!

-If you can't handle Tracy Jordan, don't invite Tracy Jordan. This is what I do, I drop truth bombs, I don't care about Don Geiss, I'm a movie star!

-Told him he could suck it.

-Told her she could kiss my delicious ass.

-Excuse me. I know I wasn't asked to say anything, but I would like to share my experience with you. When my daughter Shaheeta was born she had chubby arms and legs and a big bald head. I mean, she looked like my uncle Rupert in a diaper. By the time she was 5, she was 87 pounds. I mean she could eat! But then when she was around 8 years old, I remember, it was Easter, we stayed up all night the night before watching Bible movies and eating fiddle faddle. Then I remember the next day, it was Easter Sunday. She threw up right in the middle of the Jaguar dealership. She mad sick and I carried all the way to St. Luke's Roosevelt. And the doctor said she had diabetes. I get very upset because I think I was the cause of that due to my ignorance of nutrition. And I promise Sha that night that I was gonna dedicate my efforts to raise awareness and finding a cure. And I just hope that all of you will join me. Thank you.

-That's a deal.

-Yeah, I don’t have a daughter.

Episode 15
-Yo. Remember that email that we got from those Nigerians that needed our help getting all that money out of Africa?

-We did it! I got that check today.

-Word is bond.

-I would have been happy if our only reward was just helping that dethroned prince of Nigeria, but this is great. We should treat ourselves.

-Nahhh. I don't even use the ones I have.

-That's a good idea. Yo, what's Young Larry doing these days?

-What about Cheese?

-Fatballs?

-Well, go ahead Fatballs! That's a good program.

-Like it? I love it.

-I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind a middle school, and get it pregnant.

-K, you like doing stuff for me, right? How would you like to be in my entourage?

-Well, let's see. Dotcom does the driving and the cooking. Griz is in charge of sitting on me when I get over-stimulated. Well, I have been looking for someone to harmonize with me.

-The sun will come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that, tomorrow. There'll be sun.

-Just thinking about, tomorrow.

-What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man. Yeahhhh!

-So, entourage, what's on the agenda for today

-I love Halo so much, I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

-I don't think so, K. 'Cuz I like to keep my material fresh. You know, I like to keep it so things fresh so much that I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

-Woah, who just killed me? That's never happened before.

-That's impossible I've beat all the world's best players. Griz. Dotcom. My publicist. My stylist.

-You're cheating, and I don't want to play no more. I hate this. Griz, I think it's best you come sit on me.

-Hey, I got next game. Hold up. How are you beating Kenneth, Griz? If Kenneth can beat me, and you can beat Kenneth, then by transitive property, you should beat me, too. Have you been letting me win?

-Things? Plural?

-The Easter Bunny.

-Yeah, what, cat? Yeah, Dotcom. Yeah, Griz.

-Have you two been treating me like this, all this time? Like a child? No, no, no, I won't stand for this. Entourage, disbanded!

-Ahhh. Damn it. Close, right? I feel like I'm above the rim. Can't palm the ball.

-They disrespected me!

-You're the only one I can trust, K. You're my whole entourage now.

-Yes, you can. Because you were honest with me. I don't need a couple of yes men. I need the truth.

-OK! That's enough.

-What did you tell him?

-You did what? Damn it, K. Now I have to hear from Tenisha's momma how they both met at the Twins. You have to handle this stuff better.

-But, Griz would hav- Damn it, turn on the TV for me.

-Television on! Pornography!

-Entourage!

-You gotta get me outta here.

-Get off of me!

-Help! Help!

-And I will always love you. And I will always love you.

-Yeah, of course I did. I love you guys. I love you so much I'm gonna take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant. I love you, Dotcom. I love you, Griz.

Episode 16
-Good show, Liz Lemon. Are you coming to the after after party?

-Yo, Lemon, you coming to the after after after party?

-Let's blow this joint, it's about to turn back into a taxi dispatch center. You going to the after after after after party? Yo, let's rock!

-Don't go, Liz Lemon. There's still the after after after after after party. I just gotta take my kids to soccer first.

-Yeah, yeah. He bit Shug Knight! Held Raven Simone over a balcony. Made Rasheed Wallace cry! Dude is crazy! I don't want him calling me.

-What?

-Excuse me, won't you?

-Tracy who? You looking at a ghost, JD. Dead Man Walking, The Green Mile, Christmas with the Klumps.

-Look, I am old school. Growing up, when you were mad at somebody, you just breakdance at'em. I'm talking about break hard, put it back pop pump pump, end it, gladiate, bring it back down.

-Worm it out. And then pop, blarm. Now brothers just shoot you.

-Look, Rediculos is the biggest hip hop producer in New York City and he was disrespected at my party.

-If you get rich off of this stuff, just take care of my family. I don't want my kids to have to go to college.

-Tom Cruise, 'cuz that's how Oprah says it. 'Tooommm'

-For real, Jack? The Source Awards? No, no, no.

-Death sentence number 2. Shooting people at the Source Awards is a tradition. It's like Christmas, or shooting people outside of Hot 97.

-It's not about Rediculos, who else is gonna be at this thing?

-Nope. He hates me, we used to date the same girl.

-Forget about it, I called his pitbull a gaywad on 106 and Park.

-Nope.

-Ain't nothing happening.

-No can do.

-Won't do.

-No.

-What?

-Mmm mmm.

-Hell, no! Me and his beef go way back. We were both cast members on a Nickolodeon show called Ray Ray's Mystery Garage.

-Brush your teeth, brush your teeth. When it's time for bed you gotta brush your teeth.

-I'm sorry, man, I'm pretty drunk.

-If I don't go, Rediculos is gonna kill me. If I do go, someone else is gonna kill me. See? It's a catch 22. Ahhh. He's gonna be there, too! God.

-You don't realize how beautiful a sunset is until it's the last one you'll ever see.

-Ken. I'll be gone soon, but I just wanted you to know that I've loved being your mentor and it's been an honor having you bee my manatee.

-Nothing, Ken. I'm just going through the classic stages of grief. Fear. Denial. Horniness. Wisdom. Sleepiness. And now depression.

-No, I want to do anger, you can't make me!

-Wow. The manatee has become the Mento. Wow.

-No. I think you like to dress black men as Oprah as part of your effort to protect our dignity.

-No, I don't.

-I haven't given up on life yet. I have got a plan.

-I'm gonna find a homeless man. Dress him up like me, set him on fire. Then I'm gonna start a brand new life in Arizona under the new name Ron Mexico.

-Well, I think speak for the both of us when I say cuz they're metal penises.

-What would I do, Tracy? What would I doooo-oooo.

-The choice to be excellent begins with your choice to silence your inner critic. Embrace your spirit!

-You're all wonders. You're all my miracles. You're all my children of the corn.

-Good for you! Good for you!

-Welcome to the 2007 Source Awards. A chance to come together as a community to not only look into our hearts, but to look under our seats because everyone is getting Vermont maple scoooo-ooooones.

-Girlfriend, Oprah was right. People just want to be together and get free stuff! I didn't really have to bring this!

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)
Episode 17
-Hey Liz Lemon, you know where I could find a good church?

-My attorney told me I should join a church preemptively, 'cuz juries are suspicious of celebrities who find religion after getting into trouble.

-Mmm, they already turned me down. I'm still not sure what happened.

-I believe the moon doesn't exist. I believe vampires are the world's greatest golfers, but their curse is that they'll never get to prove it. I believe there are 31 letters in a white alphabet. Wha-What was the question again?

-So what's your religion, Liz Lemon?

-I really appreciate you bringing me to your church, Ken.

-What kind of Presbyterian is this?

-And ya'll always meet on Wednesday nights?

-What? He pointed right at me!

-Nooooooo.

-So where do you worship?

-Hey Jack's brother, what religion are you? This one sounds really expensive and gay.

-I'm Irish Catholic.

-Hey, did you hear the good news, JD? I'm Irish Catholic now. Like you, Regis, and the Pope.

-See I can screw up now and then just go to confession. No longer do I have throw my parties in international waters.

-I don't think I want that. I'm out. I don't want nothing crushing me.

Episode 18
-I'm incognito. Some dude is trying to slap me with a subpoena for a paternity suit and the kid ain't mine.

-Cuz I remember the girl, and it's impossible. I never got out of my car, and she never got all the way out of her tollbooth.

-Doctor Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will it tell me what diseases I might get, or help me to remember my ATM pin code?

-I already know the results. The kid is not mine.

-What's the verdict, doc?

-Jasper Buckleman?

-Yeah, that's a white dude.

-That's ridiculous, I can't be white. My whole persona is based on an in depth analysis of the differences between black and white.

-This is how black people dial the phone. Boopededoopeboopedoop. This is how white people dial the phone. Boop boop boop. Boop boop boop boop.

-I gotta call my wife. Boop boop boop boop. Ahhhhh. Ahh. Ahhhhh.

-I can't do this sketch.

-Because you can't have a white dude playing a criminal. That's a negative portrayal of my people!

-I don't know who I am anymore. There's been a black man inside of me for a long time. Now there's a white guy up in here, too. It's like an audience for a Bobby Mcfarin concert up in here.

-Of course you would say that. You wish you were white.

-See. Now you know what I'm going through.

-I think I am.

-No! I hate you, Thomas Jefferson! I don't know who I am anymore! You can't be my father!

-Yo, Toof. How you doing?

-Well, listen. Dream Jefferson told me some amazing stuff. He said, it's not about who you were, it's about who you are right now.

-Let me shoot something at you. I came up with a movie idea for all of this and I want you to write it.

-It's the story about Thomas Jefferson. Only thing, we're gonna do it like Norbit where I play all the parts.

-Hahah. It's not a comedy, it's a drama.

Episode 19
-Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Don Geiss, would you like some grenadine or fried rice?

-Sir, I have a movie project that is going to blow your mind. I call it, 'Jefferson'.

-No, Thomas Jefferson. I just recently found out that he went to town on one of my ancestors, so we're related.

-And Sally Hemmings and King George! I'm gonna play all the parts. Did you know he had a lisp? 'What's up sthupid jerks, I'm Tshomas Jeffersonst. So we're gonna need about $35 million to do this thing right.

-I pitched my Jefferson movie to Don Geiss, he said no. He said people only see movies because of the previews. And he couldn't visualize my Jefferson preview. He wants me to do Fat Bitch II instead.

-It's not the kind of stuff I want to do anymore, Ken. I want to be taken seriously. What should I do?

-You're right, K, I should make my own Jefferson preview and show it to Don Geiss.

-Hey, Liz Lemon, where you going? Listen, I'm gonna need to make a fake trailer for my Jefferson film. I'm gonna need the entire resources of the show for no more than 3 weeks. You in?

-Liz Lemon, you are my Alexander Hamilton.

-Writers, listen, I need your help.

-Oh, hey, Liz Lemon. Could you go away for a while? I gotta get rid of Freddie's erection.

-Freddy's playing the part of Thomas Jefferson's horse Coracticus. We needed a place to keep him until we shoot his stunts.

-Jack said I could. This movie is my destiny. It's the reason why God put me on this earth.

-Pray, who be this Tracy Jordan thou speakest off?

-Speakest.

-Well, stand guard by his rump and await it in his droppings.

-Aha. I like you, young man. You shall run my university.

-Mr. Geiss, I know we disagreed on my next movie project, but I hope this will change your mind. I give you this.

-Ahhh. Hoe that dirt. Put your back into it.

-Ah. Bring me my horse. Bring me Coracticus. You come along.

-Who are these Americans with their ridiculous ideas of freedom and equality?

-Eat that, King George!

-I shall call it, Susan.

-I'm with child.

-What?

-Will you free me and make me your wife.

-Uh, I'm gonna have to get back to you on that.

-Kill them. Ahh, kill them all.

-This is for you, Don Geiss, haha.

-Ahh. Get me off this horse.

-Well, Mr. Geiss, what do you think?

-He said no. Then he offered me $7 million to reprise my role as Cocoa the Dog.

-No. I turned him down.

-Look, Thomas Jefferson made his own country, I'm going to make my own movie. Finance it myself. All on my terms. Now whose with me?

-Good, good. Now first order of business. Get that dead horse out of car.

Episode 20
-They turned me down, Liz Lemon.

-The damn bank. I need a loan to finance my Thomas Jefferson movie. It's gonna be at least $30 million with all the claymation sex scenes in it.

-It's alright. The movie's just a small part of my plan.

-Tracy Jordan comeback. I'm doing a comedy tour, a Michael McDonald comedy album.

-What can I do? I'm on my grind. I'm'a have so much money, my grandkids are gonna play lacrosse. Lacrosse, Liz Lemon.

-What?

-Why would he say that? What have I ever done to embarrass black people?

-Because the Jet's lost!

-This is no coincidence.

-The bank loan. The Michael McDonald situation. Temple University. Dr. Cosby is sending a message!

-They're out to destroy me!

-The Black Crusaders.

-Harsh? I'm done. The Black Crusaders want to make an example out of me.

-The Black Crusaders are a secret group of powerful black Americans. Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey are the chief majors, but Jessie Jackson, Colin Powell, and Gordon from Sesame St, they're members, too. And they meet 4 times a year in the skull of the Statue of Liberty. You can read about that on the interweb.

-Right. Ahaha. Make fun of me all you want, Liz Lemon. Do you know they'll ruin anybody who they think are making black people look bad? They tanked 50 Cent's movie. They blew out Terrell Owens' ankle and they canceled Eddie Murphy's Oscar 'cuz he had ran out on Scary Spice. And now they're after Tracy Jordan!

-Man, I wish somebody else had seen that.

-Have you seen the cover of this month's Oprah Magazine? That is an anagram of outlaw salad tray.

-The Black Crusaders are trying to get rid of me. They want me to disappear like Coolio.

-Hello, Liz Lemon? It's me. Stacy Gordon. I can't tell you that. I'm sorry, Liz Lemon, I wanna thank you for everything you've done, but I quit.

-Starting a new life.

Episode 21
-Starting a new life.

-I think, I think you must have me confused with someone else, my name is Gordon Tremeshco.

-Kenneth should have given you the code word.

-That's it.

-Hey, thanks for taking me in, Jesse. I won't be a burden. Now make me a smoothie and let's go clubbing.

-Shhhhh.

-Was that Kenneth? What's going on in New York? Did he go to Russell Simmons' birthday party? Were there girls there with butts?

-Right.

-What's up?

-I'll tell you what you're looking at! I'm…Gordon Tremeshco.

-Kenneth, you have to come get me!

-I don't care what they do to me anymore. I'd rather die famous than live for a hundred years like this! Carrying plastic bags, sitting on benches, brushing my own teeth. This is unsuitable.

-Hey, dude, Jessie. Hey, listen, I gotta get outta here because of-

-Ahhhh.

-Ahhh.

-Thanks, Kenneth, for saving me.

-I think it's gonna be about immigration.

-Come on! Hey, do you guys know what's causing the traffic problem?

-Do you know how long it's gonna take for me to get to Midtown?

-Hey, I need you to take me.

-But I'm gonna miss the show!

-Ken, you are my boy!

-Oh my God, what a terrible mistake accident. Would you take 6th Avenue please?

-I got a lot on my plate right now, Ken.

-I'm back!

-Liz Lemon, I would like to recommend Kenneth the page for NBC medal of excellence.

-I got a lot on my plate!

-Wait, I don't know what this is.

-OK. Take this Black Crusaders, it's cowboy hey hey.

(Thanks for visiting Unlikely Words. If you liked what you read Subscribe to RSS, check out our About Page, read some of our favorite posts or follow us on Twitter)

###

Possibly related posts:

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 3

aaron cohen — Mon, 18 May 2009 14:05:09 +0000

Anytime Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordan has a scene on 30 Rock, my brain shuts off and it's difficult to function. It's the combination of delivery and content, and there's hardly ever a scene throughout which, I'm not giggling foolishly. In celebration, I thought I'd post everything he said in 30 Rock Season 3. If you guys like it, I'll do Season 1 and Season 2, too.

Some of these lines are made funnier by adding context. For the most part, however, they're funnier without, so I didn't include any. Yes, this is basically a transcription of his lines without comment and I could have just copied and pasted out of the scripts. However, they're not online, so I watched every episode again, just for you. Leave your favorite lines in the comments, enjoy!

Episode 1
"It's official, I'm a genius. My video game is selling through the riznoof."

"61 million copies at 60 dollars each."

"I don't know, I think I did it alone, and this check is the priznoof."

"I know what you're hinting at, Liz Lemon. That I should get my rap career going again. [Whispering] All in due time."

"Nobles Oblige, yes. Let's go shopping. To the Bat Mobile!"

"Attention everyone. I'd like to thank everyone involved for making my video game the most profitable thing since the war on terra!"

"Yes, I am provocative!"

"Frank, for all your hard work, please accept this set of solid gold nunchuks."

"Petey Pete, for letting us use the sound booth, please accept this chinchilla coat."

"You're going to get so much nice nice in that, you're going to have to grow another ding-."

"Bev, [kissing] mwah. Now you look out for my girl Liz because me and her go way back like spinal chords and car seats."

"You're going to sue me? Who do you think you are, the San Diego zoo?"

"You can't sue me, I'm already being sued. Double indemnity!"

Episode 2
"Do you know who I am? Seriously, please, tell me who I am."

"Liz Lemon! Nemesis."

"OK, two can play at that game. Liz, could you please tell Kenneth that Liz wants him?"

"Mediation is a binding form of non-judicial dispute resolution."

"I watched Boston Legal 9 times before I realized it wasn't a new Star Trek."

"What? Please. We are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to black folks. It's like when Adrian Brody kissed Halle Berry at the Oscars."

"White people stole jazz, rock and roll, Will Smith, AND heart disease. Now they think they can take my hard earned money."

"Liz Lemon? That chick is dumb."

"Do you know it's still illegal to be black in Arizona."

"If it weren't for your people I'd still be in Africa. Gorgeous, politically stable, Africa."

"Whatever, you couldn't last one day in my shoes, Maroney, right, Toph?"

"OK, I will."

"Freaky Friday social experiment."

"Liz, it's Becky, your college roommate. See Liz Lemon, you're already treating me with more respect."

"You wait til I test this noise out on society. Minds will be blown."

"You can't fix this Liz Lemon, it's about race. It's about man and woman. It's about money. It's about being on TV. And no one understands all that."

"Hi strangers, do you think I'm sexy. Giggle, giggle, giggle."

"I'm meeting my girlfriends for brunch, I hope we can sit outside. Lipstick. Heeheehee."

"Good morning!"

"They ran out of white makeup because I insisted they do my buttocks."

"Good morning!"

"Jenna and I are doing a social experiment."

"I haven't seen Oprah since she did that episode about the worst celebrity dads."

"Uh, how you doing?"

"It's the way my world is right now."

"I've been hearing, but I haven't been listening."

"Lean on me, when you're not strong."

(Thanks for visiting Unlikely Words. If you liked what you read Subscribe by RSS, or follow on Twitter, or subscribe by email or on Facebook)

Episode 3

"What's wrong, Ken. You got wife eyes!"

"Is there nothing sacred? Have we lost our moral center? It just makes me want to pee on someone."

"I hate to see you like this, Ken Doll. It's like an owl without a graduation cap. Heartbreaking!"

"So what can I buy you to make you happy?"

"Court? At night? I'm already laughing. Tell me more."

"So you never got closure with those beloved characters?"

"You ready for your big surprise?"

"Tadah!"

"That's right, K, and they're here for you!"

"My boy Ken has written a masterpiece. And trust me, I use that word a lot."

"I don't know, Ken, this is bad. I wish this was an episode of Night Court because then there'd be some big joke right now."

"You have to go through with this wedding, Harry, it means the world to my boy Ken."

"OK, so you and Markdeline have some bad blood, but it's bigger than that. My boy Kenneth, is going through some really tough times. They're trying to make him wear a coat that's different than his other coat."

"You won't regret this, Harry, you look great."

"It's happening."

"A problem that persists, Liz Lemon."

"I want a different answer, where's Jack Donaghy."

"Ken! You did it! You changed her mind!"

"I added that. I went upstairs and I told them if, 'you don't bring back the old uniforms, I refuse to play the role of Mac in Unversal's upcoming Night Court movie.'"

"Are you OK?"

Episode 4

"I don't want to go home, Ken. You know my two sons, Tracy Jr and George Foreman? They've been acting really weird lately."

"Nowhere."

"Those two have never paid me any attention. And rightly so, I'm a strange man who can't be taken seriously. Now they won't let me out of their sight."

"Nope, look at what the little one made me."

"This is voodoo, Ken! Those two are up to something."

"Well, there is all this new money coming in. And it's not just from the video game. It's the tie-ins, the toys, the life size Tracy Jordan sex doll that's selling like hotcakes in Japan!"

"I thought that was just the tagline for my movie, Deathbank."

"What? Say it! My kids are going to kill me!"

"Hey, guys, daddy's home. Don't Menendez me. Ahhhhhhhhh."

"Or am I?"

"That's not me, that's the Tracy Jordan Japanese sex doll. You can tell us apart because IT'S not suffering from a vitamin deficiency."

"To use as a decoy. So my greedy children will murder it and I'll be able to escape un-Menendezed."

"Or is it. The parallels between the Jordans and the Menendi are uncanny!"

"Both families are rich. Both families have two sons. And both families are staples of court TV."

"Exactly!"

"You want to get one? I can get you one."

"It begins."

"I love you, too, son. Stop it. Stop...patriciding. It's me. There's nothing to be freaked out about. That's just a Japanese sex doll in daddy's bed. Now you listen. You don't have to ever worry about me leaving because I'll always be there to take care of you. And there's something else. If anything ever happens to me, you, and your brother are going to go to jail."

"Liz Lemon, look, I'm not dead."

"Oh, also everything worked out with Jenna's dad visiting."

"Oh, you weren't really around for any of that."

"I would feel safer with some Saltines."

"Or am I?"

Episode 5

"You gotta go to your reunion. You get to get back everyone who ever messed with you."

"You said I'd never amount to anything. Look at me now, look at this necklace."

"How come there ain't no Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? They got every race and lifeform in the galaxy, except for Puerto Ricans. What's up with that?"

"Because Kenneth got a bigger laugh in the elevator than me today. And where were you two? Your job is to protect me from embarrassment."

"Making up words won't save you, ok? We're going to get on an elevator with Kenneth and you're going to laugh at my jokes."

"Hey, elevator, what's this? A ghetto mating call."

"Jenna, we're the most important people here, right?"

"And people around here shouldn't take attention from us, should they?"

"It's not the baby, it's Kenneth."

"Yeah, he does."

"That sounds really nice."

"We have to stop him!"

"This studio hosted the Kraft Television Theater where young writers like Patty Tchaiovsky and Rod Sterling first rose to prominence."

"It doesn't feel good when someone does your job, does it?

"I don't like it when you do jokes in the elevator. That's my job."

"[Crying] We're not really best friends. We're just good friends. I just want you to stop."

Episode 6

"Colorful sweaters?"

"[Crying] That kid's never going to be a doctor. Better buy it a jet ski."

"And NBC has to pay for our cabs to the airport."

"And I'm not going anywhere for Christmas."

"Nonononononono. I will not let you go into that neighborhood alone. In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo-"

"-And shalamsazam to you, too, my sister- We'll go with you uptown. And remember, Dotcom, you are there to protect ME, and not Liz Lemon."

"Thanks a lot, I never operated a camera before. I'm serious, that was very helpful."

"What's the past tense for scam? Is it scrummed? Liz Lemon, I think you just got scrummed."

"Oh, really? We're both black, so we must know each other."

"Hey, Irennnnnnne. Novicki hook you up with this job? Oh, girl, you better stop."

"Well, if all you want is a hug from a black person, maybe you should just host the Price is Right."

"Alright, I'll call Griz and Dotcom. I'm sure they're not doing anything."

"Or Basquiat."

"Our guest is sung with everyone from Paul Anka to Crocodile Dundee. Cross to Piano. Ladies and gentlemen, Jenna Maroney!"

"Liz Lemon, I know you're going to be all alone on Christmas Day, so if you like, you can spend it with the Jordans."

"Good, we'll be over at 2. My kids have a peanut allergy, but my dogs only eat steak."

Subscribe to RSS Follow us on Twitter

Episode 7

"Give me an example."

"Jack, you don't get it. I don't want to spend so much, I have to. I'm afraid Angie will divorce me if I ever have enough for her to live off of half. So before she can get it, I have to spend it on useless things like gold shoes and Griz and Dotcom."

"I don't gotta pre-nup. When Angie and I got married, my only assets were a toaster oven and two tickets to a Young MC concert."

"OK. I'll bring Angie in, but I'm going to tell her this is all YOUR idea."

"Don't help me, I'm too proud."

"You're not?!"

"She's done it before, Jack!"

"Forget it. I know you're not going to leave me. I've got somebody whose going to watch me die."

"This is happening, Jack. You can stay or you can leave, but it's going to take a while."

"There he is. I owe you, Jackie D. When I'm on my deathbed frenching my wife, I will think of you."

"This is real people. This is not a drill."

"They do that a lot in movies. An Afair to Remember, Sleepless in Seattle, and that remake of An Affair to Remember that I was in, A Blfair to Rememblack."

"Wooooow. Now you have what me and Angie have, minus the hypertension."

"I'll do it."

"Hello, yes, ok, thank you."

"The test was positive. Nonono. I mean positive like it's good. The test results were negative. Oh, I see your confusion. That's funny. Ahahaha. Ahahaha. Funny. Jack thought the test results was positive."

Episode 8

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Lalalalalalalalal."

"They said it was a flu shot, but I know it was really a truth serum?"

"Then why am I telling you you look like Tootsie today."

"Yeah."

"We didn't know what to get them and then I had a brainstorm. It was a bad one, Jenna had to put my tongue guard in."

"So, go do that."

"My what?"

"No."

"With what, my arms?"

"That would be the worst part."

"Yeah, for the crew, cuz it's they birthday."

"Yeah, we were out getting soup for the crew. Nope. We forgot about that, too. We were out shopping together. We had fun, though."

"Yeah, I tried on a lot of outfits."

"I know. I also want to thank you for controlling yourself sexually, while we spent time together on this adventure."

"Give it to me, it's mine."

"Medicine?"

"No!"

"Attention, ladies and germs and gentleman. Are you ready to feel better, cuz we have just the thing."

"No. Now in the grand tradition of Patch Adams, prepare yourself for the comic stylings of Tracy the Amazing and Jenna!"

"What, why aren't you laughing? This is happening to Liz."

Episode 9

"So, how am I looking Dr. Spaceman?"

"Diabetes?"

"So, how bad is diabetes, really?"

"Could I replace it with a wheel, like Rosie from the Jetson's?"

"It's a practice wheel for when I lose my foot to diabetes."

"There's no link between diabetes and diet. That's a white myth, Ken. Like Larry Bird or Colorado."

"Word."

"And I heard that from Yusef Jackson."

"Diabetes and diet. Next you'll be telling me that leasing a sports car is a bad investment."

"K. What's up with this disgusting stuff?"

"N-O-E. No. E."

"I didn't say anything."

"Through the stone?"

"I'm fine, Ken. I have so much energy, my hand keeps dancing."

"Hmmm. What is this?"

"Damn, K. That is weak. I'm a fourty year old man. You think I'ma be scared into eating some stuff because some-"

"Ahhhhh. I renounce everything. Cover your brain."

Episode 10

"What's up, Brian?"

"Of course not, I transcend race."

"You shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition at. But yeah, I'm in."

"A yard, like a lawn? Yes I have."

"I went out with the interns. Those white boys are not kidding around. Have you ever tasted scotch? It's terrible! And this thing they call 'box seats at the Ranger's game,' it's so cold. And what is Rohyphnal?"

"So I shouldn't have taken 2 of them for my headache?

"Hey, you know it, Bri-man."

"I have no idea what either one of us just said."

"I have a rep to maintain. If I can't keep up with a bunch of Wall St frat boys- uh, oh, here come the Roofies. You can do whatever you want to me."

"I'm going to. I'm Tracy Jordan. Why would I be afraid of fire next to my mouth."

"Ken, these interns are wearing me out. It's like I said in my non-hit comedy 'Cruise Boat,' I'm getting too old for this ship."

"Yes there is. Do you know what happens to a comedian when he gets old and loses his audience? He starts to get offered serious roles. And do you really want to see me play Arthur Ashe?"

"Exactly, so if I'm going to keep my hilarious reputation, these interns gotta go."

"Then I'll find something for them to do."

"I'm doing this so no one will know I'm getting old."

"This interview is over."

(Thanks for visiting Unlikely Words. If you liked what you read Subscribe to RSS, check out our About Page, read some of our favorite posts or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 11

"NBC, blah blah blah, thank you."

"Ken, you need to snap out of it and ask out that sexy Ms Magoo.

"I know love at first site when I see it. I saw it when I met Angie. I saw it the first time Dotcom laid eyes on Griz's fiance."

"Now's the time for gallantry."

"Well, cotton and fiddles, I enjoy your smile."

"You may call me, Kenneth the Page, cuz that is who I am. Would you like to go out with me tomorrow night? Yes, indeedy corn cobs."

"It's a Valentimesdatelydoo."

"That's how you get to Manhatten's fanciest restaurant."

"Yes, I found it on my favorite website. Stopshowingoff.com."

"It's the best, darn tootenist restaurant in all of New York."

"Not just any entertainment, the best singer in the world. Michael McDonald."

"It doesn't have to end here, ya'llsies."

"That is cold, blind lady. Oh, and by the way, you're not so attractive yourself."

"Yes, you are."

"I tried."

Episode 12

"You know it! I cursed for three hours straight just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch!"

"You got it. NGS, Fridays at C30 on TB10."

"But then he scores a basket even though he's not a wolf anymore."

"Good. I'm glad I'm here."

"Larry, I'm not an expert, but I do have a strong opinion. New York, as we know it, will no longer exist tomorrow."

"Look. I grew up here, Larry, in the days before Starbuck. And if Wall St crashes, it'll be the 1970's all over again. People will get mean. The streets won't be safe. It'll be graffiti everywhere. And the movies will only cost 3 dollars."

"Uhm, my work has taken me there. I was supposed to be in that movie Rush Hour, but two weeks into shooting, I was replaced by Jackie Chan."

"Larry, what everyone needs to do is just take a deep breath, calm down, and start preparing their bodies for the Thunderdome. That is the new law."

"Devil's avocado here, Larry. I think people should freak the geek out. Withdraw all your money and hide it."

"It's what I've always done. I hide cash everywhere. At home, at church, even at work. In fact, I've hidden so much money, that if some of it was gone, I probably wouldn't even notice."

"I don't know."

"I'm saying the Disneyfication of New York is over, everyone. At the stroke of midnight, your Lexus is going to turn back into a hot pile of rats fighting over a human finger."

"Hang on. I know Jack Donaghy and that is an imposter. Hang up. Hang up on him, Larry."

"Hey, I recognize that voice anywhere, Larry. That's my friend Peter Frampton on the phone."

"Of course, Pete. I hid my money in the safest place at 30 Rock. Without giving it away, the place I picked is very dry and warm. Its top is hard, but its bottom is soft. And although the location changes all the time, the money stays in the same place."

"I already told you. It's dry and warm. Its top is hard, but its bottom is soft. And although the location changes, it's always in the same place."

"I never said it was a thing."

"Watch TGS, Fridays at 10:30. Word!"

Episode 13

"Thanks for coming out, thanks for watching. Love, peace, and hairgrease!"

"That's because I don't have a birthday, Ken."

"I don't have a birth certificate, cuz I was born inside of Yankee Stadium. I bounced around foster families so much, no one ever bothered to throw me a party."

"I don't need a birthday cause I buy myself all the presents I need. And because of my drinking, they're often a surprise."

"But I don't have a birthday!"

"I do feel it. You're all so amazing. And to think I was just calling ya'll a bunch of racists."

"I did not know that?"

"Suree, Suree, Suree."

"You were right, Ken, birthday's are special. And now mine's is over. And who knows when February 24th will come again. Now that warm happy feeling is gone, there's no cake in my mouth, and that birthday wish is malarkey. Malarkey!"

"Come on, Daniel."

"My birthday wish came to true!"

"I wished for you to get better. I was gonna to wish for breakfast in bed with Robocop while an elephant paints us."

"But then I saw you with that backbrace on right before I blew out my candles. It's a birthday miracle!"

"Ahhhahaaahah. Ahhhahaha."

Episode 14

"Here come the County Court Steppers. Their traditional dance celebrates the spirit and the ingenuity of the Irish people."

"Wake up, Motherfu-"

"I feel I should be rewarded for going this long without swearing on live TV."

"50 grand? Can anyone cut this in half."

"OK, great meeting."

"There you are, Liz Lemon. You wanna buy half a watch? I have to pay my fine in cash. I guess FCC stands for Federal Bunch of Sticklers."

"I sure have. I learned that if you pay some money afterwards, you can say whatever you want on TV. I can even say what Earnest Borgnine whispered to me at-"

"That's always the lesson! If you have money you can do whatever you want. Now I'm off to appear on Martha Steward Live. Ooh, it's gonna be raunchy."

"Hello, Liz Lemon. Just catching up on some work. What sounds more shocking '[Bleeeeeeeep]' or '[Bleeeeeeeep]'?

"Hear you go. Everything's OK."

"I don't want to hurt the crew. I love the crew. All we do is joke around together about our stupid boss Liz Lem-"

"Great idea, Liz Lemon!"

"The first two thirds! I don't need to stop being myself if I AM the advertiser! I have the money. I'll just buy up all of the ads and let that hilarious Tracy Jordan character do whatever he wants."

"We'll see about that."

"Kenneth, I need you to set up a meeting with you and the folks from ad sales. What do you mean you're not in charge anymore?"

"I do not apologize, America. I did not even write that apology. I am advertiser Tracy Jordan and I approve this message. I am an advertiser. I am an advertiser. Is that 30 seconds, yet?"

"Hey, America, check out my fun cooker!"

"Hi. I'm Tracy Jordan. My wife is throwing away some of our old towels. Do you want them cuz they're out by the trash cans. Now that's gots to be 30 seconds. Nine? OK, here comes the fun cooker."

"Can we get some Diet Slice and pita chips up in here?"

"All I did is ask for some Diet Slice and some pita chips."

Episode 15

"Hey, Ken, do you know what I have a craving for?"

"And some?"

"You are my Radar O'Reilly, Ken. Now get in here and rub my feet til you hear a chopper coming."

"This is better than a family. No one around here asks me for my damn bone marrow."

"OK. Sorry it took me so long to answer. I was just thinking about how weird it is that we eat birds."

"How is this not really about money?"

"What's that now, Charles?"

"I never thought of it like that. Thank you. I quit. Goodbye."

"Hello?"

"Bill Cosby? You gotta a lot of nerve getting on the phone with me after what you did to my Aunt Paulette."

"1971, Cincinnatti. She was the cocktail waitress with the droopy eye."

"Try to tell me what to do? Dr Heathcliff Huxtable with your light-ass kids. Jack, why would you make me talk to this man?"

"[Singing] 'My girl has a fat neck.' I'm sharp, let's do it again."

"Oh, hey, Cranston, I was looking for Kenneth."

"[Singing] 'Fat neck girl let me count your neck rings.' Family? Whose in charge of my thirst?"

"Cranston, why hasn't Kenneth called me back yet? I miss him. Cranston? Why are you crying?"

"Hey, Ken? I've been calling you, has Cranston not been giving you my messages?"

"Yeah, well. Don't worry. I just came to get a few of my things. And I won't bother you."

"Alright. I guess that's everything. But I want you to know. If I walk out that door, Ken, I'm not gonna call again. It's over. You understand?"

"You used Cranston as his gatekeeper?"

"Wait a minute, you want to fire my boy, Ken?"

"Unless?"

"You say Kenneth can't work here because I don't work here. But if I work here, so can Kenneth."

"Of course you don't, you idiot. I'm coming back to work, Jack. With Kenneth!"

"I'll be in my dressing room."

Episode 16

"I will be brief. I have decided to fulfill my dream of going into space. If you have a spaceship and are looking for a hilarious astronaut with an irregular heartbeat and thirty million dollars, I am prepared to leave as soon as tomorrow. I wrote that yesterday. I will not be taking questions."

"What is this, Horseville? Cuz I am surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay!"

"Look, when I was a kid growing up in the projects, I would look up at the stars and dream of going into space. Of escaping the slums. Of killing the Ewok! Now the man that kid has become can make those dreams come true. Do you know what that's like?"

"Then you know why I have to do this. As Robert Browning once wrote, 'Ho, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what is a heaven for? I was prepared for the possibility of this meeting."

"Thank you, Jacky D!"

"At least it's a dry heat here in Florida."

"Computer, when do I get some Tang? Also, I'm thirsty. Hahahahaha. Wordplay. Hahaha."

"I'm scared, but I'm also excited! Hahahah. Ooooh. I'm Lizzing. Hahaha. Lizzing. I'm Lizzing."

"Tracy to Earth. Come in Earth."

"Great wink, Kenneth. Space is very cold, but very beautiful. And sometimes it sounds like Jenna yelling in the distance. I think I- Oh my God, where did you get that rocket?"

"It's awesome."

"Hey, Jacky D. If everyone could see the world the way I see it, it would be a better place to live!"

"I think so. I wish I was there so I could play with it."

Episode 17

"Dessert."

"Someone put too many farts in this engine, it's about to explode."

"I'm Flava Obama and I'd like to introduce our Undersecretary of Housing and Crystal Meth, boooooyyyyy."

"It's farting. It's farting."

"That's our show for tonight, see you next week!"

"This is TGS."

"Woah, K."

"I'm sorry, but just let me know if there's any way I can help."

"No, I was just saying that. Why can't you read human facial cues? Alright, what is it?"

"Yeah, OK. Birds are like little dinosaurs. So what I'll be doing is actually pretty cool and brave."

"What?"

"Hey, little guy."

"I wasn't going to. I wasn't going to. Ahhh."

"Jenna, something weird is going on."

"No, it's not that. Jenna, you're the smartest person I know. Do you think Kenneth could be a murderer?"

"Well, I might be crazy, but neither he, nor his bird would let me into his bedroom. And why wouldn't you want to let Tracy Jordan into your bedroom unless you got a bunch of dead nurses in there."

"He grew up killing pigs."

"No wonder he's fascinated when I do that."

"I admonished him for that earlier. Three for three, he's a monster."

"Hey, K. Where's Jonathan?"

"Uh, huh."

"Yeah, it's about someone else. I'm afraid this guy I know in Canada might be a serial killer."

"Kenneth. I mean, I'll tell you his name. It's Kenneth."

"If I had any doubts about this before, and I don't think I did, they're gone now."

"Yeah, like Julia and Denzel in the Pelican Brief."

"Jenna, I just want you to know, that if we find any human remains in there, I'm gonna throw up all over your face."

"Oh, no. Kenneth's a murderer and a Riddler is coming."

"Yeah, but on the bright side, you've been downgraded from suspect to person of interest."

"Hahahaha. Time does heal all wounds."

"Ken, we feel bad that we, but mostly Jenna, gassed your bird."

Episode 18

"No, Passive resistance. I learned that from Dr. King. I'm brave!"

"I don't need to read it. The entire thing is loosely based on an evening I spent with Isaiah Thomas."

"Alright, enough. This fighting stops now."

"I knew this would happen someday. A woman would come between us. Well I'm not standing by, I'm taking action."

"Well, Liz Lemon's in jail now and somebody has to step up and take charge around here."

"Let the problem solving begin."

"Are you Daphne? Yeah, you're fired."

"I had to. Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like that HBO show, John Adams."

"Hmmm, usually this is the point in my process where Liz Lemon steps in and takes care of everything. Heavy is the head that eats the crayons. Gonna take a nap, see you in 10 hours."

"No we don't, he's not even gonna notice they're gone."

"These are the new dancers, Ken. Say hi to Velvet."

"Just think, an hour ago they were broiling in the parking lot, but tonight they're gonna be stars. Oh boy."

"As we celebrate the life of Jenna Maroney."

"That was some of Jenna Maroney's earlier work. It's hard to believe that both of those women outlived her, especially the woman on the right. We'll be right back."

"And finally tonight. What more fitting way to say goodbye to our friend than with the gift she gave all of us, her music. Ladies and gentlemen, Issac Bimmelmans and the Tracy Jordan Dancers."

"Why are you smiling, you're freaking me out."

"You're crazy."

(Thanks for visiting Unlikely Words. If you liked what you read Subscribe to RSS, check out our About Page, read some of our favorite posts or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 19

"We've narrowed it down, Liz Lemmon."

"This Saturday is the 20th anniversary of the night that me and Angie met. She was working at the Diker Heights Arthur Treaches and I was residing there. She slipped me a free shrimp combo and we've been together ever since, so this present has to be special. It's either going to be a denim jacket that says 'Hot Bitch' in diamonds, or a Slanket."

"You are wise, Liz Lemon, like a genetically manipulated shark. So as a token of my gratitude, I got something especially for you."

"Liz Lemon, you dummy."

"I asked Angie what she wanted for our anniversary, and she wants me to get a tattoo of her name."

"And above it she wants this picture of her face. I can't have this on my chest scaring off beautiful women in the clubs."

"You know I like to socialize, Liz Lemon. And you know my signature move with the ladies."

"It's taking off my shirt."

"Now, it's a Sophie's Choice. I can't get this tattoo and I can't tell Angie 'no'."

"That's a start, Liz Lemmon, that's a start."

"Dotcom, that is a great idea. If you want everyone to think I own a gay lion. Tangiers?"

"Look, this is my reputation we're talking about here. Use your heads."

"Continue."

"-Is for me to arrange a test of erotic temptation. Yes."

"We're going out tonight, Jacky D, and we're going to be tempted like Jesus in the wilderness. Jesus is my stereo guy and the Wilderness is a club I took him to once."

"Sure thing, baby. Give a kid a call, hmm? Holla?"

"Tip of the iceberg, Jacky D. You can have all of this whenever you want. Or, you could marry that nice lady you're in love with. It's up to you."

"Of course I do. Angie's the one."

"It's a thing I made up after seeing the Matrix."

"OK. This is something I've never told anyone. This is my terrible secret. In 20 years that I've known her, I've never cheated on my wife. There, I said it. Don't look at me."

"The partying is just for show, and because I'm a high-functioning alcoholic. All those phone numbers you see me handing out? They're not even mine."

"So can you. Because I'm a ridiculous unstable human being."

"And if Angie wants me to get a tattoo of her to prove my life, then I'm getting that tattoo."

"Griz, get the car. Dotcom get the coats and which one of your ladies wants to pick up the tab."

"No and at large. I mighta went out and had too a little much to drink last night, but you'll be proud of me, Liz Lemon Cool J, because I went out and got that tattoo Angie wanted me to get. Pow! How you like me now?"

Episode 20

"What the hell time is it?"

"No, I took my son to his cello recital this morning at what turned out to be midnight yesterday! White opressors, answer my question. What time is it really?"

"You're a bunch of racists."

"You treat me like a child. No worse than that. You treat me like one of those little pageant girls with the clip on teeth."

"Irregardless, you know what? Race card!"

"I think I've made my point."

"Don't patronize me with your Celtic slang, Liz Lemon, we have a black president now."

"This is post-racial America, and I demand to be treated like everyone else."

"Fine."

"Fine, I'll bring my lunch from home."

"You don't think I can do that?"

"Fine, but I'll have the last laugh. Hahahaha."

"Professional is my middle name."

"No need, I've got it memorized."

"I'm going to do a Valentino cross, camera right, then dump the lavs, so stay on your fours, guys."

"3:15, time for union break."

"No. Do not apologize. In fact, everyone? Everyone gather round. Actor announcement. I want to publicly thank you, Liz Lemon, for you have shown me, that in today's world, everyone should be treated exactly the same. No one should get preferential treatment."

"Not black comedy superstars, not Hispanics, not Indians, not whatever this guy is. And not women, Liz Lemon."

"Good. I feel parched from being so professional, could I trouble you for some water?"

"No. No. Equality. Everyone should be treated the same, right Liz Lemon? You should change it."

"No one help her."

"Hello, Liz Lemon. I was just telling these fellas how you don't want to be treated any differently because you're a woman."

"Good. We're learning."

"Hello, Elizabeth."

"I'm done with my work, I was very professional."

"It was."

"You coming, Liz Lemmon? Because a dude boss would be a jerk if he didn't come to Lutz's bachelor party. Also a dude boss, would pay for it."

"Twist."

"I don't want to be here, I don't like it here. Who is this guy?"

"The black one. I can't take it anymore. I hate it."

"Everything is upside down."

"Yes, we upset the natural order. You're going to strip clubs, I'm up writing all night."

"We're dressing monkeys up as people and monkeys are playing with people as toys!"

"We don't wanna end up like those two!"

Episode 21

"Come on in, Jack, I'm just practicing sitting."

"Because he's dead."

"Because if that man was alive, he'd be living in my pool house and I'd be paying him two hundred thousand dollars a year to mow my lawn."

"I feel like you're not telling me something, Jack. Let me guess. You bought a sidecar for your motorcycle and your dog won't stay in it."

"Why? Jack, every man should know his father."

"No it wasn't. I struggled through that sentence. But I know what I'm talking about because not long ago a son I didn't know about found me."

"My love child tracked me down. I was shocked, scared, angry. Like a dog in a sidecar when it comes loose from the motorcycle. But it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me."

"Everybody, gather up. Actor announcement. No, human announcement."

"There's something I want you all to hear directly from me before you read about it in next month's issue of Black Entrepreneur and Butts Magazine. I have an illegitimate son."

"Obviously, my family wanted to keep this private, but somehow, those vultures in the media found out about it."

"Like a dog in a sidecar when it comes loose from the motorcycle. But it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me."

"Oh, noooooooo."

"Now, I didn't know about this boy up until three years ago, but I've been supporting him financially ever since. And I want you all to meet him."

"I want you bastards to meet my bastard. My baby boy, Donald Jordan."

"Well, as long as it's for something you need."

"I love you, man."

"Why won't this stupid gizmo do what I want. I'm going to miss the lotto drawing."

"Of course, why would I lie about my age, I'm in the entertainment industry."

"Not familiar, but what about this song? [Singing] Tea is great after being out late, after walking my baby ba-"

"39."

"Yes you are, son. That's what that birth certificate you printed out for me said."

"Yes I do, and I left the amount blank, just like you asked."

"Donald's opening a dojo."
I
"Hey, remember this song? [Singing] If e'r a fair maiden, a knight chance to see."

"OK, that was to put in Dotcom's birthday card. But you're right. The card is enough."

"I know."

"Liz Lemon, I might hug people too hard and get lost in malls. But I'm not an idiot."

"When Donald came to me he was a fast talking charmer from the wrong side of the track. He reminded me of someone, Liz Lemon, Jon Travolta's character from Grease. And me."

"Call it what you want, but in the last three years, Donald has gone from scamming celebrities to being a small business owner."

"And the community center is thriving. Do you know Kenneth's eighty dollars bought a chess set and a crate of condoms?"

"That's what ya'll naming it? Thank you, son. Thank you."

Subscribe to RSS Follow us on Twitter

Episode 22

"Not interested."

"Because Frank Lucas High School was a hell hole. Griz knows, he was there. A drug dealer named Campbell, he ruled that school. He wanted me to find a snitch called Baby. Campbell wanted me to cut him open."

"I wouldn't do it. I dropped out, and I vowed never to go back to that place."

"Yes he was."

"No he wasn't."

"What frog?"

"When have I ever cried?"

"It's true, there is no Baby. I was chicken. I was chicken."

"You can't understand, Ken. Where I come from, street cred is everything. That's why, when I left that school in shame, I vowed never to cry again. And I never have."

"Don't die! I love you, Jack."

"Diet Slice and some pita chips."

"I don't wanna be here, I don't like it here."

"I was just calling ya'll a bunch of racists."

"We're not really best friends, we're just good friends."

"I was chicken. I was chicken."

"I'm never going back to Frank Lucas High School to be reminded of my greatest failure."

"Uh uh. I've changed, Ken, into a badass adult. I have a wolfdog, and I have two bad knees and I have a gun. That I lost!"

"Damn, K, you know who that was?"

"I grew up with that guy. He was the baddest gangster in my class. We called him 'Mean Steve', but his real name was Steven Killah."

"Well, if a bad ass OG like that can get stuck delivering food, how did I get out?"

"You're right, Ken. They should. 5 F bombs, right?"

"I almost didn't make it here this afternoon, but then a very special friend showed me the way. So I'd like to take a moment to thank Victor Cardova from the Sunoco station on Lennox Avenue."

"But there's another reason why I almost didn't come today. Fear. Fear of letting people know the real me. I have but one thing to say to all of you. Be yourself. And I'm talking to you clearly, gay kid. And you, white kid just trying to go unnoticed."

"Just be yourself and I guarantee you every single person in this room will one day be President of the United States."

"OK, but I'm allergic to horses."

"[Crying] Who wants my autograph."

"There you are, you stupid cracker. Do you know why I get a hotel room? To poop in peace! No kids banging on the door, no phones ringing. It's my time! Every Tuesday and Thursday at three PM. I don't know why I only go twice a week. That's what Angie should be worried about."

"Pete, how am I going to live, I only have three hundred million dollars."

"High school graduate, do you know what this means, Griz? Dotcom? Ken? We're going to college."

"How'd you say that without moving your mouth?"

Thanks for visiting Unlikely Words. If you liked what you read Subscribe to RSS, check out our About Page, read some of our favorite posts or Follow us on Twitter

###

Possibly related posts:

Unlikely Words » googlesterity

Steve Jobs links

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 5

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 4

Everything Sawyer Said Season 5

Everything Hurley Said Season 5

2009 Year in Review

Top 100 The Wire Quotes Video

Everything Don Draper Said Season 3

2008 Election Look Back

Everything Don Draper Said Season 2

Everything Don Draper Said Season 1

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 2

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 1

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 3