Unlikely Words » humor

Mad Men from Boston Featuring Joey McIntyre

aaron cohen — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 19:32:55 +0000

This Mad Men spoof from Joey McIntyre might be the crudest Mad Men spoof you've ever seen. Yikes. "The Massholes over at Sterling Cooper get a new account."

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Possibly related posts:

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 2

aaron cohen — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 14:23:22 +0000

Last week was Season 1 and a couple months ago was Season 3. And now, I give you, Everything Tracy Jordan Said in season 2 of 30 Rock.

These are submitted without context, which some people seem to like and others, not so much. There's a big internet out there, though, so if you don't like it, I'm sure there's something else for you.

Episode 1
-Yo, Ken, I'm'a use this whole the kitchen area as my bathroom, spread the word.

-She froze my credit cards, Liz Lemon, and she got custody of Griz. Can I keep my cockatiel in your office?

-Pop. What? I'm not apologizing, 'cuz for once in my life I haven't done anything wrong. How many years have you known me, Liz Lemon?

-So you know I like to minister to transvestite prostitutes.

-So Labor Day weekend I see this young she-dude at the dumpster by the 40/40. I pull over and I say you don't have to live your life like this. You can be a freaky-deaky and do data entry. What about court reporting? Believe in yourself.

-So as I reach in the trash and pull this dude out, a paparazzo jumps out and takes a picture of me.

-Whose gonna do my banking? Whose gonna write my blogs? Whose gonna do the cooking on Taco Wednesdays?

-So he's like my office wife?

-Kenneth Parcell, would you take this ring…and sell it in the Jewish part of midtown and use the money to get us a Nintendo Wii?

-I couldn't sleep at all last night. Angie kept my Sharper Image white noise aroma therapy machine. She knows I can't sleep without the sound of ocean and the smell of bacon.

-I'm not doing any of that.

-Great compromise, office wife.

-Liz Lemon, I need you to go my and pretend you're doing a survey for the Radford Group and then ask my wife if she's sleeping with DL Hugley.

-JS!

-What's up? Liz Lemon, me and this dude used to do stand up together. Remember the night we had the threeway with Elaine Boosler, haha?

-Oh yeah, you know what? I think that was a mirror.

-JS, this is my Kenneth.

-Mad at you, Ken, I seen the way you was looking at Seinfeld. You used to look at me like that. What, am I not a big enough star for you anymore?

-Oh no! Did a Korean person die?

-Don't do it, Liz Lemon. I know what me and Kenneth have looks perfect on the outside, but it's work, damn it. It's work.

Episode 2
-Yo, Ken. Angie and Griz is coming by to drop some of my stuff off.

-Yeah, but I want her to know that I'm having a good time on my own, so you should go get us some party hats. The pointy kind.

-No, cuz things have been said that cannot be taken back. She called my vanity license plate inscrutable! ICU81MI. Hilarious! Angie is in the past like Dracula and broadcast television.

-What, who?! That guy Mike that redid our driveway?... Nah, whatever. She should find someone new. Doesn't bother me!

-Oh.. Check this out. My key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Mm. Look at this, my gold record from that novelty party song. 'Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.'

-Yeah, I miss you, Griz.

-Hey, Ken!

-I only got 11-12 hour sleep last night. I got something on my mind grapes I need to talk to you about.

-I saw you hitting on Angie the other day. Seeing you with her. It opened my eyes.

-Yeah. All those years fooling around wasn't fair to her. So you gotta make it fair! I want you to go to my house and make love to my wife, Ken.

-My home address is in the GPS under 'Da Crib 'cuz we live on Dacrib Avenue. Now you go to Angie…And you make sure you pleasure her.

-What have I done? Kenneth should be back by now. What's going on over at my house? Ugh. No. No. Eww. I gotta stop this.

-I'm gonna kill you, Kenneth the page.

-It was a gesture, Angie. I'm saying I'm sorry.

-But, baby.

-What do you want? I'm willing to try anything.

-Alright. If that's what it takes. If that's what it takes.

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Episode 3
-I'm whipped. Angie got me up at 7.30 today. Did you know in the morning they have food, TV, almost everything? It's pretty good.

-Hi.

-Hey, Liz Lemon. I been reading the newspaper to come up with some ideas for some topical sketches. So this week could we do Business Section?

-Yeah, everything is great.

-Yeah, word, where is my lovely wife?

-Oh, I'm going to as strip club then.

-I'm sorry, Liz, this is who I am. You can't ask a bird not to fly. You can't ask a fish not to swim. You can't ask a tiger not to turn back into a Chinese dude at midnight.

-I feel bad about doing this to you, Liz Lemon, I really do, and the only way I can better about myself is to be booby slapped by a coked out Russian stripper. I'm out.

-Hey, everybody, I'm back from doing whatever Liz Lemon said.

-Uh, my cobra, Ramsey, he had got sick so I took him to the vet. Then my thumb got caught in my butt so I nodded my head til it came out.

-It was all Liz Lemon's fault. The whole plan was hers.

-Goodbye forever, Liz Lemon, thank you for being my secretary.

-No, Liz Lemon, don't do it.

-Oh, wait a minute. Enough, damn it, enough! Do I have to fix this situation? I am the immature one, but the both of you, you're forcing me to act like an adult. An adult! And even worse, you're making me stop 2 ladies from going at it, but I don't care, 'cuz I'm putting my foot down.

-Uh huh. Baby, you got to go. You're controlling, you're manipulative, you're loud.

-Huh?

-Mmmm.

-Mm. Wait a minute, let me get this shirt off.

Episode 4
-He has a microwave for a head!

-Hey, Jack.

-If you desecrate something, is that bad?

-I doubt if anybody noticed. 'Who brought stars and bright stars, to the party last night, for the rascals we fought.' Who'd ever known there was so many words, it was like a Mos Def CD.

-I love this country.

-I think I can handle that.

-Hahaha. Hahahah.

-We gotta start doing dog fights.

-I know it's repulsive and hideous, but it's the only thing Jack Donaghy told me I cannot do, so I gotta do it! Understand?

-Dog fighting it is, make it happen.

-Well, bring them in. I feel sick to my stomach about dog fighting, but what can you do when they tell you not to? This could get ugly.

-Wha-what? No! You idiots. I built a dog fighting pit in my basement for this?

-That 227 movie? New Jack ACity.

-I don't know. I always been this way. 'You're not my dad.' 'You're not my dad.' 'You're not my dad.'

-You're not my dad. You can't tell me what it's about.

-Just some heavy thinking. And this spotlight is the only place I could go to get away from it all.

-But how do I forgive someone that I don't know? Boy, if I could just talk to him once. Just once.

- I don't need the therapy! I'm just mentally ill!

-You're not my dad! We're doing therapy.

-Who's crazier me or Ann Curry?

-Like my wife and I do? Cool. You be the maid, I want you to scream. Donaghy, you play the matador.

-Ah, this is stupid!

-You sound nothing like my dad.

-All I know is he came from Funky North Philly, he worked in the Campbell Soup factory, and he had a droopy lip due to an untended root canal.

-I'm mad at you dad.

-'Cuz you left me, dad!

-Is this true, mom?

-Be me now.

-Now do the white dude that my moms left my dad for.

-Woahhhh. No need to resort to ugly stereotypes.

-No dad! Don't die! I love you, dad! I don't wanna dog fight no more.

-Thank you for showing me there really is love in my family after all and I need to stay the hell away from them. Donaghy, you're the only family I need, Jacky D.

Episode 5
-What's up, Lemon?

-How can no one go to Ken's party? He's such a great dude.

-Noooo. I can't. I only go to A-List events.

-No, don't sweat it, 'cuz I'm gonna bail you out. I'm gonna turn Ken's jam into a major event.

-See, all a hot party needs is mystique, a buzz. See people are like lemmings. Harvey Lemmings, my lawyer, who never misses a party.

-I just have to start a little rumor. Who are the biggest gossips on TGS?

-Griz and Dotcom.

-Hey, fellas. Heard a secret about Kenneth's party. Ken went to high school in Georgia with the rapper TI. They're boys. TI might show up. But listen, we can't let anyone know. Anyone. Got it?

-I am surprised to hear that because that is new information.

-He is?

-Huh?

-Foxy Boxing? I love Foxy Boxing! It combines my two favorite things. Boxing and referees! I got to get into that party, man. Get me Harvey Lemmings!

-Just like Colonial Williamsburg.

-I couldn't. This means too much to Ken.

-It's not going to, this party's about to become a Tracy Jordan Joint!

-Here we go! Haha!

Episode 6
-I was trying, Liz Lemon, but I can't concentrate. Somebody on my block is making waffles and it's making me horny.

-Hey, KK, how's it hanging?

-Well, you know what I do when I lose something? I yell real loud until I find it. So what is it that you lost?

-Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!

-Well why don't you just do like I do and sell your autograph at the car show?

-Who was that?

-Don't lie to me, Jack. I've had plenty of women mad at me the morning after. Just don't let her light your sneakers on fire in the bathtub.

-So then what's the problem?

-Oh, I get it. Romeo and Juliet. Capulets and Romulans. Mmmhmm. I been there. I'm black, she's white, I'm black, she's light skinned black, I'm black, she's 17. Huh, hey listen. If she's your soulmate, you go for it.

-Sure, where is it?

-I know where that building is, I get my Jamaican meat pies there.

-Tell her that you want her privates and your privates to do a high five.

-Tell her your butt look like an apple and you want to take a bite.

-Tell her she got some tig old bitties like the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Tell her you want her to donate her body to science and you science, tell her, Jack.

-Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon, have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?

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Episode 7
-Hey, Liz Lemon, I'm going to an animals only strip club. Interested?

-Animal customers, that's ridiculous.

-JD!

-I want you to meet the baseball team I'm coaching. A group of fine young men and one special lady. Dijonaise is a boy's name? Pardon me.

-I wasn't. My motorcycle hit a police horse. This is community service. These kids come from Knuckle Beach, the worst neighborhood in New York. They are poor as hell.

-That's right. You shoot for the stars.

-These aren't winners. They're 0-17. Damn, we supposed to be at the game right now. 0-18. That one's on Coach Tracy.

-Come on, gather round. Circle up. Everybody circle up. Alright circle up. Circle up. Around me. Around me. Alright, listen up. That's enough. There's a weird dude standing over and I don't want to get shot today so great hustle, great practice ok the weird dude is gone, go home.

-You don't get these kids, Jack, they don't care about winning, they just want to be able to go outside for once. You know, our first practice they asked me what the sun was.

-You wanted to see me?

-Practice, meetings, what is this, a marriage?

-Jack, have you ever been to Knuckle Beach? It's a different world! A world where Orange Soda is an acceptable substitute for breast milk.

-Bush?! Now I don't want to go off on a rant here.

-You can't wear blue in Knuckle Beach, which is hard because jeans go with everything.

-Now you're gonna blame this on me? I told you this was gonna to happen.

-Kenneth!

-I don't want to talk about it, Ken, you'll hear all I have to say about Jack Donaghy in my tell-all book, 'Betrayal Colon What Really Happened With My Baseball Team, Disaster at Knuckle Beach Question Mark'

-What do you want, Jack?

-Of course they did, they're afraid to go north of 245th St. Next you'll be telling me you let Rashan have contact with his birth mother?

-Jack I told you you did not know what you were getting yourself into it.

-No way, JD.

-Just because I don't support Jack Donaghy doesn't mean I don't support the kids.

-Wow. Jack, if I come back to the team, can I throw these things away and not have to read'em.

-Alright, Jack. What's the plan?

-That's 2 words!

-Damn, I can't believe we're winning.

-Yeahhhh!

Episode 8
-OK, enough! How long are we gonna talk about the stupid award? We have more important things to worry about like where are the french fries I did not ask for. You guys need to anticpate me! OK, forget it. I can't rehearse today!

-It's not fair, Liz Lemon. Everybody wins awards, but me. Even Shaquille O'Neil got a Kids' Choice award for that animated movie we did.

-Boy, I hope we rescue the Starfish King on this adventure.

-Would you call what we did last night sex?

-I spent 2 days making that movie from my home and what did I get out of it? A million dollars, a yellow Bentley and nothing. I never win anything. Look at this coffee cup my kids got me for Father's Day. I'm a failure, Liz Lemon. Maybe I should just give up and try this crystal meth I've been hearing so much about.

-Come on, Lemon!

-Pacific Rim? I love the Pacific Rim. I spent 9 months in Japan shooting Samurai Iamarai. I fell in love with their culture, especially sharking.

-It's when you run to a lady on the streets and pull her tubetop down while your friend video tapes it. It's considered a crime here. Thanks a lot, Puritans.

-Hell, yeah! I do not want to disappoint my Japanese public, especially Godzilla. Ahaahaha. I'm just kidding, I know he doesn't care what humans do.

-Hey, Liz Lemon, when am I leaving for Japan 'cuz I have to arrange for a snake nanny.

-Noooo. I told my kids they could watch their dad get an award so it has to at least be live via satellite.

-Perfect, just when I get back from Maiden Voyage, Newark's first offshore gentleman's barge. I'm gonna get the kids and we're coming straight here.

-Liz Lemon know who keep the lights around here, but I couldn't do it without my background players that's why I want you and Josh to be there for my award. Then afterwards maybe I'll let you hold it. Then you can check out my award. Ahhahaha. Banter!

-Oh, people of the Pacific Rim, how you feel?! Alright, I like to thank my wife. My 2 sons, Tracy Jr and George Foreman. This Josh, dude. Haha. Liz Lemon. Uhh. Bald headed Pete for setting up the satellite. And of course, a very special blonde lady. Shelly Long, you're truly an inspiration to me, I know that. Haha. And finally, I'd like to thank all you Pacific Rimmers for all that you've given us. Ah karaoke, karate and most of all, watazombieataku, shark attack!

-You let Jenna take off in the middle of the day? If she gets to do that, then I'm doing this week's show as my alter-ego, Professor Cosmatothis.

-Yeah, dude, you got a fro-hawk, man what do you think you're better than us?

-Doctor Haircut.

Episode 9
-So it's my fault diners can serve alcohol in New York state? That's on me now? Now I have to wear this for 30 days. If I even have a drop of alcohol in my sweat, a signal goes to ankle bracelet headquarters in Denver and I go to jail.

-And now, this time of the year: Ludichristmas, Nude Year's Eve, Martin Luther King Day, all you do is drink.

-But.

-The holidays without drinking is rough. Turns out football is boring, my wife's sister ain't as cute as I though she was and I can not play the guitar.

-But tonight is Ludichristmas.

-K, thanks for trying to help, but I'm gonna go home, do some thinking and tell my wife's sister to disregard all my emails.

-Yeah, I mean, what are you guys doing? Going to Ludichristmas?

-No, no, I can't go, because of the ankle bracelet. Or maybe I could go and just not drink. Hey, maybe I'll compromise. I'll go to the party, cut off my foot and drink all I want.

-Ludichristmas! Ludichristmas! Ludichristmas! Ludichristmas! Ludichristmas!

-Listen, we done learned our lesson about the big tree or whatever, this has got to stop now.

-That's right.

-Is this a culture where toplessness is common?

-We should go downstairs and chop down the big tree!

-Yes it is. We are sending a message to all of those who have forgotten the scruples of Christmas. 'Cux in order to stay sane, you have to go crazy. I had a couple of drinks before the meeting. Hold that, Kenneth? This is a flask! So ya'll probably shouldn't be listening to me. Hahahaha.

Episode 10
-OK, everybody listen up. This cappuccino machine is my way of saying sorry for what happened the other day.

-Hahaha. My father?

-OK, that may have been a dream. Anyway, enjoy!

-But you could have coffee any time you want.

-Ken, this is New York, the big easy, live a little! Boundaries are made to be tested, that's why my wife and I stopped using a 'safe word'.

-Regrets are for horseshoes and handbags.

-Hey, slow down there, Ken. Coffee is not like alcohol, it's pretty addictive.

-I'm getting rid of the machine, Ken, for your own good.

-Get a grip. Look at yourself.

-You rode the brown serpent, but the important thing is you survived, Ken.

-So you had a little bender?

-What? No, you can't leave, Ken. Whose gonna help me tell white people apart?

-New York, mmmm, proved too much for the man. He couldn't make it. So he's leaving the life he's come to know. He's leaving. On that midnight to Georgia. Woo woo.

-Yes, he's leaving. Leaving on that midnight train.

-On that midnight.

-He missed it?

-He missed that midnight train.

-Woo woo.

-Misinformed about the time, didn't even get to stand in line.

-He missed that midnight train to Georgia.

-Nothing, Gladys Knight. Sorry. Sorry everyone.

Episode 11
-Someone put too many farts in this engine. It's about to explode!

-It's farting, it's farting!

-Liz Lemon, I'm'a miss the show this week. Jack is sending me to do standup in Dubai! I'm'a do jokes on airplane food. It's all new to them.

-Well, don't blame me, blame Jack, he's the one I'm splitting the $3 million with.

-Liz Lemon, I can't believe what you said in the paper.

-Yeah, that cartoon said exactly what you said the other day.

-If you decide to sue them, I know a good lawyer. Took me to the cleaners last year.

-Order. Order I say. We must not be rash. We must divorce ourselves from our prejudices and appeal to our higher reasoning. This is the speaking banana. Everyone will get a chance to speak and only then will we make our decision. Josh, my friend, you are first.

-That dude did it.

-Look at his light eyes. They freaky like a wolf.

-I love it up here, it's hot, it's loud, it's like Miami.

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Episode 12
-What? Helllll no. Black people supporting Republicans? Does hot support cold? Does rain support the earf?

-Mmmnn.

-If I paid taxes, I sure would.

-Go on.

-I love states' rights!

-Lincoln was a Republican?

-Damn, the Republican party sounds pretty attuned to my unique way of life. But I'd be turning my back on my people to support it. You've put me in a quandary, Jack Donaghy. A quandary.

-What is this place?

-Richard Nixon? Wow, I can't believe I'm dead. There was still so much left on my bucket list. So many different kinds of buckets I wanted to own. Buckets.

-And Watergate.

-Wow, you were a Republican?

-Wow.

-I got a mission!

-I'm in! Jacky D, Nixon's ghost convinced my ghost to help the GOP.

-Sounds good, but I can't talk now, I gotta get my wallet out of the toaster.

-My fellow Blackmericans! Hey Jack, can I just say black Americans? There's no such thing as Blackmericans.

-My fellow black Americans, Dr King once had a dream, a dream that we all share, to build a 200 foot high wall to keep Mexico out. And he also hated the estate tax.

-Jack, I don’t know about this.

-I get it, the Republican party means less taxes, more guns, and the end of the gun tax.

-But everybody isn't forward thinking like I am. And no matter what, Blackmericans is gonna always vote Democrat.

-Mmmhmm.

-Black people! Don't vote. Just don't do it. In the amount of time it takes for you to vote, you could play 3 games of pool. 3! Now that's fresh. I'm Tracy Jordan and I improved this message.

-Yes it does. Now if you'll excuse me, Nixon asked me to take some stuff out of his Wikipedia page.

Episode 13
-Pay attention to me. I'm inconsolable.

-Tracy Junior left his music stick at home.

-So I drove to the school to give it to him and guess what I discovered?

-Excuse me, I…

-If I'm such a bad dad, why are we all dancing?

-My own son is ashamed of his father.

-They think I'm a joke because I clown around for a living. I got to do something important so that my children will respect me like be a senator or a wizard.

-Everybody calm down! Gotta think of an idea. Something that will change the world. Eureka!

-We should call Eureka, she always has good ideas.

-The after you carbonate it, you drink it!

-Damn it, why is leaving your children a legacy that'll live forever so hard? It's been almost half an hour.

-Yeah, I need to clear my thoughtcicles. Which of my two favorite pastimes shall I indulge in? Video games or pornography? That's it! Make a porn video game.

-Tell it to me in Star Wars.

-They're nice.

-He acts like he doesn’t care, but he does.

-I'm scared. Get me outta there.

-That's where you're wrong. I was born to design a video game where characters get weird with each other for golden points.

-My genius will not be denied. I'm like Mozart. You're like that guy who was always jealous of Mozart.

-No thank you. I already ate.

-You will not deter me, the world, is gonna remember the name Tracy Jordan.

-No, for the first time in my life I know my purpose. I'm doing this, for my children. My genius is come alive. Like toys when your back is turned. I see the potential for erotica in everything around me. This cup. This table. Even you, Kenneth.

-I'm inventing a porn video game!

-Duet becomes a trio. Trio becomes a quartet. And on and on. Do you have it?

Episode 14
-Hey, look. Lutz is still eating.

-Give me it.

-Look, Liz Lemon's sandwich is still on her desk.

-But as far as Liz Lemon knows, her sandwich never came.

-Lutz made us do it!

-You think I'm a patsie I'm'a..

-Please ask my permission before you quote me, Kenneth.

-We'll get Liz Lemon her sandwich. I'm an international superstar. The teamsters will be honored that I'm even talking to them.

-[Singing and tap dancing] That old soft shoe is coming around the bend.

-And I can't drink! I still got my Hollywood sock on.

-Hahahaha.

-Batteries dead. I've got a half hour until they track me down.

-[Singing] I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow, oh Danny boy…

Episode 15
-Liz Lemon, do these look like wizard nipples to you?

-Exactly! It's all wrong. These roles are so clear in my head.

-The working title is Gorgasm Colon The Legend of Dongslayer.

-Yeah, you fixulate this.

-Liz Lemon, do you know what it's like to the only one who cares about your job when everybody else around is goofing off like a bunch of goofoffs.

-Uh oh. Emotions. Are you having your woman times?

-Stop. Stop. It's not working. It's not… Not you, Griz, you're doing great.

-But, Jenna, you're not doing good acting. Don't over think it. I don't need another Judy Dench situation. Let's just skip ahead to the list of player sensuality options. These avatars need to be able to do anything to each other.

-Now give me a little robot.

-Now like it's a secret.

-Sexy.

-Yes.

-Good.

-Now that we are in a zone, I want you to give me some random sex sounds.

-Wonderful, wonderful. Let's take it from the top. This time let's record.

-Yo, Frank.

-Yes. It is just a prototype, but I want you to be the first. To play it. Tell me what you think.

-You earned it.

-Frank, you been in you're office for 3 months!

-Yes! I'm gonna be a billionaire.

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Possibly related posts:

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 1

aaron cohen — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 16:32:26 +0000

A couple months ago, I posted Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 3 of 30 Rock. I said if you guys wanted it, I'd go back and do Season 1 and Season 2. Well, you wanted it, so here's Season 1 and I'll post Season 2 next week.

As I said before, it's the combination of delivery and content that gets me and again, these lines were transcribed completely without context. A lot of times context makes them funnier and a lot of times lack of context does. Leave your favorite lines in the comments, enjoy!

Episode 1
-I am a Jedi. I am a Jedi. I am a Jedi.

-I'll have an apple juice.

-Then I'll take a vodka and tonic.

-I know who you are.

-Let me ask you a question, everyone at this table. Did he just say the word 'pumpkin' to me?

-Yo! I'm bugging. I can't do this. I cannot eat here. I can't eat here. I got to go to someplace where they make food that I like. Lemon, let's go.

-Ohh. Ohhh. Goodness gracious, you hooligans better watch out, cuz this honky grandma be tripping.

-Where's the love? Right on and let me get 2 half a chickens and some pecan waffles.

-Eat, Lemon, eat! I hate skinny women. Hey, Alana, 10 beers.

-Nah, I ain't doing it unless I get to do it my way. You know I want it to be raw. HBO style content.

-Cuz I want to drop truth bombs! You know how pissed off I was when US Weekly said that I was on crack? That's racist. I'm not on crack. I'm straight up mentally ill.

-You know I got mental health issues.

-Yeah, yeah, I like risky. See, me and you? We play the game. We know how to be acceptable. Hello, great meeting. I drink coffee, please. This show is our chance to break the shackles, cuz the white dudes want to see us fail.

-All of them. Jack Donaghy, General Electric, George Bush, Karl Robe.

-Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other. To distract us while white dudes inject aids into our chicken nuggets. That's a metaphor.

-Hey, Lemon, you like karaoke? I know a joint.

-I'll take you, I'll take you! I just gotta make a quick stop first.

-You know why I should do this TV show, Lemon?

-To get you rich! Cuz you know if I'm on that TV show it's going to blow up.

-Your teeth. You got to think like these strippers, Lemon. They know the window of opportunity is only open for a moment. You gotta get in while you're young, get the money, and get out.

-Neither do they! Yes, they do.

-Ohhhhlalalala. We're strong! No one can tell us we're wrong. Searching our heart for so long.

-Hell no!

-From Chicago? I was in Scottie Pippen's wedding.

-He fired Pete? He can't fire Pete.

-Mm?

-Mmhmm. Yeah, suck it, Pete.

-Hey, Lemon, I'll drop you off. Where do you live?

-I wanna see that.

-Oh. Oh. Pull over. Pull over here.

-Right here.

-This is where I grew up.

-Wasn't no Jordan family nothing. This is where I was in foster care.

-Me and two other dudes and a girl with messed up fingers.

-I'm so lucky I got out of here.

-About what?

-Alright.

-Excuse me, where's the manager? I'm from the government and I'm here to inspect your chicken nuggets.

-Uh, oh. Look at shorty. This honky grandma be tripping!

-Wassup, America? I'm coming into your house live! Let me hear you say we love you, Tracy!

-I am the third heat!

-Ahhh, yeah. Holla at your boy.

-I can't wait to do this with you every week. Haha!

Season 2
-How you feel, NBC tour? Cuz you look good like a solid gold candy bar!

-Give up the butt, ladies. Give up the butt!

-Jack! Haha! Oh my goodness. It's good to see you again, brother. It's good to see you again.

-Come on, Jack, now you know I'm the kid. I'm easy like Sunday morning. Don't look at me. Do not look at me in the eyes.

-Hey, Pete? You smoke weed, right, Pete? Me neither. Me and you, Pete. Me and you, heeheehee.

-Don't just sit there, come over here and give me some sugar.

-Well, if you ever want to piss your parents off, you come see me.

-Let me just say, I'm excited to be here. It's an honor for you to meet me. I got a lotta characters I'm ready to bust out. I got a character named Biscuit, write that up. Got another character named Renaldo who's a 2 foot tall Spanish hustler. Glasses, I want you to write that one. Got another character named Ching Chong who loves to play ping pong. I just made that up right now, cuz that's how I flow. Now I'm up for anything.

-No. I don't like that.

-So I said, 'Rick, this chick's got an Adam's apple. And, Rick said to me, I'll never forget this, 'Freakydeekys need love, too. Freakydeekys need love, too.'

-So, how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable?

-Nuh uh. Superman does good. You're doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.

-Lemon. Lemon. Can I be real with you? I haven't a real job in like, 2 years. I'm not used to all these, all these cue cards and all of that.

-You're right, I got this. Thanks for looking for me, Lemon. I'ma crush it. Let's show these people how a movie star does it.

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. I'm proud as a peacork, baby.

-What'd I say?

-Peacock, think peacock. Right, Jenna?

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. I'm proud as a peaCOCK, baby.

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. Right, Jenna Malbany?

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. I'm proud as a peacock. Right, my bologna?

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black, NBC. Very proud. Like peacocks. Right, Janet? I think we got it. I think we got it.

-Please, you can't hurt me. I did stand up on Rome, the crowd once threw a motorcycle at me.

-Which on is Toofer?

-Oh.

-Let's crash my car to see if the airbags go off.

-Mostly mad at you.

-Nah, nah, nah, nah. This is what we gonna do, Lemon. You gonna get everyone on my yacht. Harbor cruise, drinks, togetherness.

-I got a yacht, a solid gold jet ski, 2 Batmobiles, the AIDS monkey's bones..

-Welcome. Welcome to your fantasy.

-Oh, yeah. I've taken this boat many places. Miami, Tokyo, Denver.

-What?

-Oh, that's Spanish for remember your mother.

-My bologna? Look at you. Wow.

-Let me make you a drink. You love apple martinis, right?

-I read your interview in Amtrak magazine.

-Mmmhmm.

-I didn't know that. Hey Toofer, see if I got any Schnapps.

-It's for you. Take it, my friend.

-I hear you sing. I didn't know that. Why don't you sing something for me.

-I do.

-Hey, hey, Griz, don't wreck this boat!

-Don't worry. He was in the Navy.

-I'm Bill Cosby, Jello sweaters.

-You don't have to thank me, Lemmon, we're a team now. Like Batman and Robin. Like chicken and chicken container.

-It's Spanish for 'remember your mother'. I've taken this boat to Denver. You can have that Scotch. Griz was in the Navy.

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Episode 3
-Josh, you and me. Thursday night. I know this guy that runs an underground bird fight.

-Poker night? I love poker. I used to play all kinds of poker with my aunts. Crazy Sevens. Albuquerque Freak Out. One Card Stud.

-Whatever. Get ready to get took.

-Remind me what's better, a pair of black aces? Or a pair of red aces?

-Donaghy. What up?

-This round, Texas Doozie. Face cards are wild. Threes are jinx. Fives are twooos.

-Be my guest. Show me love.

-OK, Rainman, tell me what I got.

-I'm out.

-Damn, Jack, you went all out! That's a giant shrimp.

-I been playing for two hours. I'm tired of losing. I'ma let my boy Dotcom play a hand for me.

-So hey, Dotcom, are we going to those three clubs tonight?

-You know the doctor said I had four hearts in my body?

-Damn it.

Episode 4
-What's up, Ken?

-Thanks, Ken. You done good.

-But I want you to know something. You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. Cuz I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving.

-So here's some advice I wish I would have got when I was your age... Live every week like it's shark week.

-K, my boy. What's the frequency, Ken? Yo, I need you to grab me some lunch.

-I want nachos. From Yankee Stadium.

-Meebeepribbybibby.

-Do you want to know another key to success?

-Dress every day like you gonna get murdered in those clothes.

-You did real good the other day with those nachos, but I need you to do something of a different nature. Would you agree when I say that a man's freedom only exists when he's free to pursue his desires.

-Which means, when the law conflicts with our desires then we must operate outside the law. You following me?

-Now I got a mission for you.

-Hahah. You done good, Ken. That thing ever goes missing or gets into the public water supply? We don't know each other.

-I got one little errand for you to run. Tomorrow is my anniversary and I almost forgot about it. But what did I tell you was the secret to having a good marriage and keeping it together, Kenneth?

-That’s my boy! That's why I want you to go see my jeweler.

Episode 5
-Rehearsal? We did a show last week. I'm just here to pick up a paycheck.

-It's not gonna work? Next Friday is Damon Dash's birthday party and the Friday after that is an orgy over at Elizabeth's.

-Can't do it. I'm an improviser. My acting style is like jazz. Jazz that you laugh at. Benaneemeeenbeneeeebbene. Hahahahaa.

-Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black, NBC. Very proud. Like peacocks. Right, Janet?

-Nah, Lemon. I'll do that later. I gotta bounce.

-Let's go rescue Karen or whatever. Is it Cheryl? Then she can tell us where the drugs are. I mean gold. Then we got the car chase. I'm getting way too old for this. Was I supposed to say that there?

-I don't know what to tell you. They making me rehearse. I know Pat Benatar rarely performs live. Scalp the damn tickets!

-Cool, I'll read those later, Lemon.

-Can I read?

-So you're asking me if I'm illiterate?

-So I could like, leave work early if I need a tutor?

-I can't read Liz Lemon. My shameful secret is out. Now you know why I'm always running into the ladies bathroom. I can't read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent! I think I voted for Nader! Nader!

-I feel as though a great weight has been lifted off of me, Liz Lemon. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. All thanks to one very, very special white lady. I'll be in late tomorrow.

-Damn, George Will just gets more and more conservatives.

-Shamon. Yeah, I had to go to reading class. You hear this mess about Y sometimes being a vowel? What a world.

-Yeah, alright, cool.

-Yeah. It's good. I like it.

-Really. I'll be leaving early today.

-Fine, yes. I'm literate. I even have a column in Ebony called Musings.

-I'm unbelievable? What about your racist mess? Thinking a grown man is illiterate. That's the subtle racism of lowered expectations. Bing Crosby said that.

-That's racist.

-But this job is hard. I just want to be able to do what I want to do. You know I once shot a whole movie without getting out of my car.

-But we're cool, right Mr. Donaghy?

Episode 6
-Did you see this? It's horrible! They're printing libel about me again. Libel, Liz Lemon!

-That's what I'm saying! That's character assassination! That's not normal! It only looks like I'm walking out of a Starbucks, when actually I'm doing the robot going backwards INTO a Starbucks! And I don't even know whose dog that is! Yes, I steal dogs.

-I can't be normal. If I'm normal, I'm boring. If I'm boring, I'm not a movie star. If I'm not a movie star, then I'm poor! And poor people can't afford to pay back the $75,000 in cash they owe Quincy Jones!

-Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

-Wassup?

-Uh huh? Who normal now? You hear me America? Whose normal now?

-I got this tattoo for the good of the show. Gives us an edge. The reason why you brought me on. And when you purchase Tracy Jordan, he comes with a tattoo of a biblical dragon from outer space.

-You can't put makeup on my tattoo, Liz Lemon, it's in my contract.

-Damn it, where's my Sharpie?

-Look, I'm crazy, not stupid. Movie star can't have a big old permanent face tattoo. I just need to walk around with this for a week. Get my picture on the interweb. Show the world I'm still dangerous.

-I had extreme plastic surgery to have it removed? Baboom! That's another not normal.

-I need to protect my reputation. You take away my street cred I'm Wayne Brady.

-I shouldn't expect a white woman from Whiteville to understand street cred.

-And I'm Condoleezza Rice.

-Yo, this blackout messed me up. I didn't get to debut my dragon face. Could I do the Today Show tomorrow.

-Tattoo's fake, Donaghy, fake.

Episode 7
-I am a stabbing robot. I will stab you. I will stab you. I am-.

-I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America.

-Me and my wife like to play rape. She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then, I put on a ski mask...

-I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding-dong.

-Or I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.

-I was pooping in the ladies' room at The Ivy...

-My hair hurts. Anybody gonna answer the phone? Is anybody gonna answer the phone? The phone! It's ringing. Brriiinnng. Brriinnnggg.

-Where your feet at, blue man?

-What else? What else is on my mind-grapes? I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan and not the Minister Farrakhan you're thinking of. Whose that dude?

-The blue dude. Tell him to stop staring at me. I don't like that dude. I don't like that dude.

-Yes, I am having trouble with my cable television. Yes I will hold. Excuse me, I have another call. Hi Mom. I am doing fine.

-I'm bugging out. I'm bugging out. I'm bugging out.

-Dr. Spaceman. Dr. Spaceman.

-Dr. Spaceman. Dr. Spaceman.

-Blue man. That blue dude keep following me. Ahhhhhh.

-Stop. No. Ahhh. No. Nah. Blue man. Always running up on me, Mr. blue man.. I can't take the Blue man. I don't want the blue man. You want a piece of me? We can box it, though.

-Ahhh. Ahhhh.

-[Chewbacca noise] No! Past Pete is here to kill future Pete. [Chewbacca noise]

-[Chewbacca noise]

-Mr. blue man. Gonna tell me my feet stink? You don't even have feet. Blue man.

-Blue man, where your feet at.

-Nooo. Ooohhh. Ooooh. Nooo.

Episode 8
-Yeah, then I could go, 'Rodney don't make me come over there and make me beat you over the head with one of my boom booms.'

-What's your problem?

-Whatever. I played a woman before. Honky grandma be tripping made $96 million.

-What? It was huge on BET. Every Thursday night at around 9 or 9:15.

-Bernie Mac doesn't do it cuz he be ugly as hell.

-Forget it. I'm not wearing this dress. It's prejudicial.

-That's our show for tonight. See you next week!

-You burned me! There's nothing wrong with a black comedian wearing a dress. Eddie does it. Martin does it. Jamie Foxx. Flip Wilson. Whoopie Goldberg does it everyday. You stole a franchise from me. Shemanda could have been a movie!

-Our comedy gotta do more than make people laugh. Gotta make people think. I wanna hold a mirror up to society and then win world record for biggest mirror.

-Gotta be raw!

-What?

-Are you black?

-Well now you're just being patrinizzle.

-I thought writing with you was gonna be like two brothers writing together. We're not even speaking the same language.

-Come on. Who raised you? Standing there with your pants that fit. Using a wallet. Drinking Starbucks. And what is this!?

-Come on. Where's your heritage? My brother. My homeboy. My ni-.

-Now I have to attend sensitivity training.

-Brothers talk to other brothers like that. I was being friendly.

-It's OK for us to use it with each other. You can call me that. It's a term of endearment.

-Not cool, homie. You might as spray me down with a firehose.

-I wish to file a complaint.

-Sneaky Taiwanese tranny who stole my watch.

-I'm trying to tell him he's my brother. We the only 2 blacks on the show we have to figure out a way to work together. As Professor Martin Luther King said, 'I have a feeling.'

-Ahh. Dude wears if khakis. Uncle Tom party at work. Uncle Tom party at work.

-You know what I think? I think you're ashamed of being black and you're an embarrassment to your community.

-That's it. This is it. This is the sketch we should do.

-Right here you and me. This is deep stuff going on. We gotta write this.

-Ahahaha. Dr. Snow, thank you very much!

-Hello, I'm Star Jones and welcome to the Star Jones gastric bypass cooking show.

-Now you know, I can only eat small portions. Ahhhh. Ah, my goodness, dessert.

Episode 9
-Ahhahha, No, Ahhah.

-I love you to, J-Bird! Yo, I don't like that dude. It's disrespectful when he imitates me. I want him fired.

-How would you like it if I did an impression of you, Liz Lemon? Hi, I'm Liz Lemon. I like to wear man shirts. Watch me skateboard.

-Hurts, doesn't it?

-You always take his side.

-See, I need to be respected, Liz Lemon. But what do you know about respect?

-Well, if you won't do anything about it, then I'll just go over your head. To Donaghy.

-This is how you take care of things, Liz Lemon? I'm going to Jack Donaghy.

-Too late. This is untoward! This is not toward! Psshhhh.

-Yo!

-Damn right! Keeps impersonating me. Makin' me into a caricature!

-Whoooa. Those dudes are crazy. Forget it. I don't need any of that noise.

-For reals?

-Kenneth, get Donaghy on the phone.

-Meebee Jackson's condo?

-A childrens' clothing store in Dubai?

-Too late, Liz Lemon. He called me 5 minutes ago.

-Nothing unusual. Russian mobs, invisible motorcycles, sex pooping.

-Jack Donaghy. Now I know you asked me not to say anything, but I think I know somebody who can help you with your sex poop problem.

-And when you're done with that call my wife and tell her I'm sorry about what happened with me and Keith and them.

Episode 10
-Donaghy, I need your help!

-I need $60 thousand or I'm'a lose my house.

-I need $100 thousand or I'm'a lose both my houses.

-Nah. I lost all of it.

-Griz.

-Hall or Billingham?

-No.

-I like that. Put my name on something. But what would I sell.

-I forgot about that WorldCom mess, why you gotta be so obsessed with telecommunications?

-I need to come up with a big idea for a product to put my name on. Something that no one has thought of. Something crazy.

-Oh, you mean Jesus?

-Eureko!

-Donaghy, stop what you're doing, 'cuz I'm about to blow your mind. Hit it! Tired of your sandwich maker making you angry? Then behold the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine. Stick any 3 meats, whatever you want, bologna, salami, bore, whatever, into this sexy lady and she will melt them all together into one delicious food ball. Never again will you have to suffer through the bread part of your sandwich. I give you the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine. MEAT IS THE NEW BREAD! Aha. What do you think?

-So GE will produce the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine?

-Jack Donaghy, you are the best. You know what? I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?

-No, I'm good.

-Audience, let me ask you a question. How many times has this happened to you?

-Or this?

- Seem familiar?

-Bread is one of the worst things in the world, but we've always needed it, until now. By burning 3 different types of meat together, the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine takes bread out of the equation. Now your sandwiches are all of the good stuff. That's delicious.

-Dr. Spaceman, is it true bread eats away at your brain?

-Well, folks, bread will never maybe attack your brain again because with the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine, say it with me now, meat is the new bread!

-I want these everywhere, I want every person here eating from a Tracy Jordan Meat Machine.

-What happened?

-That one must be defective.

-They all must be like that. Where's Donaghy?

-Only Kenneth.

-What are we gonna do? We can't sell this.

-What?

-Not the Ukraine, I own some property on the Dnieper River.
-Closer to Cherkassy.

-Can't do it, Donaghy, I can't put my name on a product that's gonna hurt people.

-What's this?

-Goldberg or Billingham?

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Episode 11
-Dude, this party was messed up! They had girls dancing in cages. And not the go-go cages. The little dog cages that you crate pitbulls in.

-How dare you, Liz Lemon. I'm not arriving to work, I left the party on a bacon run.

-Woah. What's today's date?

-2007?

-Ahhh, damn it. I knew this was gonna happen. Twofer, pass me some paper.

-My autobiography is due tomorrow.

-Yo, me, Twofer, and Frank are gonna be writing my book all day long and I think my snake is sick so I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly until he poops.

-1979, I was looking for some money in my mother's room and I found some naked pictures under her mattress. She was just sitting there in her house coat holding one of her boobs like this.

-I knew she had must have taken those pictures for her boyfriend Sonny cause Sonny used to come over twice a month and you knew when Sonny was coming over because she used to take us to the store and buy 2 steaks and a bottle of Nair with cocoa butter. How many pages do we have now?

-Make the letters bigger, Toof.

-I have no memory of that, write it up.

-1998. Well, I spent most of the summer in the studio doing my Christmas album, which was huge!

-Imagine Christmas wishes shooting out of your eyes. A candy cake full of snow dreams, a stocking full of smi-hi-hiles. It's a Jordan Christmas.

-Mmhmm.

-Woke up in the camper at the auto show. And that's how 2006 ended. 2007…

-It was early January 2007 that I got the idea to write my autobiography, so I took a meeting at Random House and this dude looked me straight in the eyes and said, 'No, Mr. Jordan, no thank you. We do NOT want your book.' Oops. My bad. That's on me, shut it down.

Episode 12
-What's up, Pete?

-Click, ehhhhhhhhh.

-Pete, Pete, Pete, where's your spinal cord, son?

-Yeah, it seems like you got yourself a Delilah.

-Pete, there are two type of women in the world. One who gives you strength and one who takes strength from you like Delilah took strength from Samson in that movie. My wife gives me strength, make me feel like a man. That's why she's so special.

-That ain't my wife. Go get me a fizzy water.

-It's like this, Pete. I love my wife. I love her. We're a team. That's why eight times a week, I go to the strip club. It brings me energy which I bring back to her.

-Nah. She likes it. Makes me feel strong, like a Samson. Samson!

-Pete Hornberger! Tonight is the night we celebrate our bodies and our minds. Hit it!

-You enjoying yourself, Pete?

-Hey, Supersize, take of that dude. That there is my friend. Saved my life when we was in Desert Storm. Our tank broke down, he killed 14 Germans so we could get the hell outta there.

-Mind your business, son! He's embracing his power.

-You gonna make a mistake tonight!

-Lick her face!

-No, I'm just looking for the lobby, but yes you should do it.

-Be a Samson!

-She's so smooth.

-Hey, that's beautiful, I feel you, Hornberger. Whose that's tickling my feet. Ahhaha. I''m'a kick you in the face, I know that.

-Hey, Pete. Real inspiring what you did back there. Be strong now. When your wife get home, you gonna mess it up?

-Let's go.

-You going down, Pete?

Episode 13
-Hell's yes, Liz Lemon, and I have plans. Me and Angie rented the penthouse at the SoHo Grand where we will drink wine and pleasure each other.

-When you been married 17 years, you have to keep it spicy. That's why me and my wife roleplay. She put on a Girl Scout office and a box of cookies and I answer the door in my boxers. Or I rent out a wheelchair and she pretends to be my caseworker.

-Yeahhhhh.

-Ah, Jackie D. Any other time, but I made plans with my wife tonight.

-Alright. Just one. I gotta be downtown dressed as a ninja by 10.

-Yeahhhh. Sounds good. I just gotta call my wife and tell her I'm gonna be late. Hey, Angie, listen I'm gonna be- -right. I have to go.

-Well, you live it up, JD. You know where to find me if you need me.

-Can I help you?

-Oh no, our room is fine. I mean we don't smell it.

-Well, could you hurry up 'cuz my wife and I are planning a really special night tonight.

-But is it dangerous?

-Oh no, I'm married.

-Who? What?

-Oh, roleplay! Give it to me, baby. Oh, yeah!

-Just be cool. Be cool. Hang tight. Who is it?

-Baby, I'm sorry. But he's going through some stuff.

-Bu-

-Bu-

-OK, Bab-

Episode 14
-Yo, is this about that little redheaded intern? 'Cuz she asked me to take it out.

-I'm not familiar with about half the words in that sentence.

-Is that the gay guy from Project Runway?

-The dude from my checks?

-Alright sure, but thanks for inviting me.

-I'll see you in CT, Jackie D.

-You need to hook me up with one of them helicopters.

-Nah, I don't want to get in it, I want to blow it up and run away from it in slow motion.

-Damn straight. I'm delightful!

-You know the Army be messing with the sun. That's why I keep my junk covered. Once that stuff gets in your head, you're done.

-What's going on?

-Hey, I feel you. Messed-up sugar runs in my family, too.

-I don't have a daughter.

-Ahahah. That's humorous. Hey, how come you don't hire more black people around here?

-How come there's no black people here? Black people can't make light bulbs?

-How come it's just me and Carlton over here?

-So what does this golf thing kick off tomorrow?

-What? I can't help it if he got mad. You know me! I'm'a say what's on my mind, Jack.

-I'm supposed to be a funny black man who says funny things.

-OK. Um, bartender, could you bring me a mustang melon and a bag of BBQ potato chips, 'cuz apparently I'm only here to be a stereotype.

-No, I'm not embarrassing myself, I'm embarrassing you. Guess what, Jack, I'm just getting started.

-Son, I wasn't joking about those chips.

-I sure hope Mr. Jack plays his game good today, otherwise he whups my ass right well when we gets home. Ain't that right, Mr. Jack?

-I studied fried chicken at the school of hard knocks. Ain't that right, Mr. Jack?

-I'm ridiculous. I'm black. I may even be ugly, but dang God, I'm here, I'm here and nothingbutup can keep me from it.

-Would you like me to do a tapdance for you and your big time friends, Mr. Jack? Or I could run around while ya'll throw rocks at me.

-Payback. Way you treated me. You used me!

-If you can't handle Tracy Jordan, don't invite Tracy Jordan. This is what I do, I drop truth bombs, I don't care about Don Geiss, I'm a movie star!

-Told him he could suck it.

-Told her she could kiss my delicious ass.

-Excuse me. I know I wasn't asked to say anything, but I would like to share my experience with you. When my daughter Shaheeta was born she had chubby arms and legs and a big bald head. I mean, she looked like my uncle Rupert in a diaper. By the time she was 5, she was 87 pounds. I mean she could eat! But then when she was around 8 years old, I remember, it was Easter, we stayed up all night the night before watching Bible movies and eating fiddle faddle. Then I remember the next day, it was Easter Sunday. She threw up right in the middle of the Jaguar dealership. She mad sick and I carried all the way to St. Luke's Roosevelt. And the doctor said she had diabetes. I get very upset because I think I was the cause of that due to my ignorance of nutrition. And I promise Sha that night that I was gonna dedicate my efforts to raise awareness and finding a cure. And I just hope that all of you will join me. Thank you.

-That's a deal.

-Yeah, I don’t have a daughter.

Episode 15
-Yo. Remember that email that we got from those Nigerians that needed our help getting all that money out of Africa?

-We did it! I got that check today.

-Word is bond.

-I would have been happy if our only reward was just helping that dethroned prince of Nigeria, but this is great. We should treat ourselves.

-Nahhh. I don't even use the ones I have.

-That's a good idea. Yo, what's Young Larry doing these days?

-What about Cheese?

-Fatballs?

-Well, go ahead Fatballs! That's a good program.

-Like it? I love it.

-I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind a middle school, and get it pregnant.

-K, you like doing stuff for me, right? How would you like to be in my entourage?

-Well, let's see. Dotcom does the driving and the cooking. Griz is in charge of sitting on me when I get over-stimulated. Well, I have been looking for someone to harmonize with me.

-The sun will come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that, tomorrow. There'll be sun.

-Just thinking about, tomorrow.

-What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man. Yeahhhh!

-So, entourage, what's on the agenda for today

-I love Halo so much, I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

-I don't think so, K. 'Cuz I like to keep my material fresh. You know, I like to keep it so things fresh so much that I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

-Woah, who just killed me? That's never happened before.

-That's impossible I've beat all the world's best players. Griz. Dotcom. My publicist. My stylist.

-You're cheating, and I don't want to play no more. I hate this. Griz, I think it's best you come sit on me.

-Hey, I got next game. Hold up. How are you beating Kenneth, Griz? If Kenneth can beat me, and you can beat Kenneth, then by transitive property, you should beat me, too. Have you been letting me win?

-Things? Plural?

-The Easter Bunny.

-Yeah, what, cat? Yeah, Dotcom. Yeah, Griz.

-Have you two been treating me like this, all this time? Like a child? No, no, no, I won't stand for this. Entourage, disbanded!

-Ahhh. Damn it. Close, right? I feel like I'm above the rim. Can't palm the ball.

-They disrespected me!

-You're the only one I can trust, K. You're my whole entourage now.

-Yes, you can. Because you were honest with me. I don't need a couple of yes men. I need the truth.

-OK! That's enough.

-What did you tell him?

-You did what? Damn it, K. Now I have to hear from Tenisha's momma how they both met at the Twins. You have to handle this stuff better.

-But, Griz would hav- Damn it, turn on the TV for me.

-Television on! Pornography!

-Entourage!

-You gotta get me outta here.

-Get off of me!

-Help! Help!

-And I will always love you. And I will always love you.

-Yeah, of course I did. I love you guys. I love you so much I'm gonna take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant. I love you, Dotcom. I love you, Griz.

Episode 16
-Good show, Liz Lemon. Are you coming to the after after party?

-Yo, Lemon, you coming to the after after after party?

-Let's blow this joint, it's about to turn back into a taxi dispatch center. You going to the after after after after party? Yo, let's rock!

-Don't go, Liz Lemon. There's still the after after after after after party. I just gotta take my kids to soccer first.

-Yeah, yeah. He bit Shug Knight! Held Raven Simone over a balcony. Made Rasheed Wallace cry! Dude is crazy! I don't want him calling me.

-What?

-Excuse me, won't you?

-Tracy who? You looking at a ghost, JD. Dead Man Walking, The Green Mile, Christmas with the Klumps.

-Look, I am old school. Growing up, when you were mad at somebody, you just breakdance at'em. I'm talking about break hard, put it back pop pump pump, end it, gladiate, bring it back down.

-Worm it out. And then pop, blarm. Now brothers just shoot you.

-Look, Rediculos is the biggest hip hop producer in New York City and he was disrespected at my party.

-If you get rich off of this stuff, just take care of my family. I don't want my kids to have to go to college.

-Tom Cruise, 'cuz that's how Oprah says it. 'Tooommm'

-For real, Jack? The Source Awards? No, no, no.

-Death sentence number 2. Shooting people at the Source Awards is a tradition. It's like Christmas, or shooting people outside of Hot 97.

-It's not about Rediculos, who else is gonna be at this thing?

-Nope. He hates me, we used to date the same girl.

-Forget about it, I called his pitbull a gaywad on 106 and Park.

-Nope.

-Ain't nothing happening.

-No can do.

-Won't do.

-No.

-What?

-Mmm mmm.

-Hell, no! Me and his beef go way back. We were both cast members on a Nickolodeon show called Ray Ray's Mystery Garage.

-Brush your teeth, brush your teeth. When it's time for bed you gotta brush your teeth.

-I'm sorry, man, I'm pretty drunk.

-If I don't go, Rediculos is gonna kill me. If I do go, someone else is gonna kill me. See? It's a catch 22. Ahhh. He's gonna be there, too! God.

-You don't realize how beautiful a sunset is until it's the last one you'll ever see.

-Ken. I'll be gone soon, but I just wanted you to know that I've loved being your mentor and it's been an honor having you bee my manatee.

-Nothing, Ken. I'm just going through the classic stages of grief. Fear. Denial. Horniness. Wisdom. Sleepiness. And now depression.

-No, I want to do anger, you can't make me!

-Wow. The manatee has become the Mento. Wow.

-No. I think you like to dress black men as Oprah as part of your effort to protect our dignity.

-No, I don't.

-I haven't given up on life yet. I have got a plan.

-I'm gonna find a homeless man. Dress him up like me, set him on fire. Then I'm gonna start a brand new life in Arizona under the new name Ron Mexico.

-Well, I think speak for the both of us when I say cuz they're metal penises.

-What would I do, Tracy? What would I doooo-oooo.

-The choice to be excellent begins with your choice to silence your inner critic. Embrace your spirit!

-You're all wonders. You're all my miracles. You're all my children of the corn.

-Good for you! Good for you!

-Welcome to the 2007 Source Awards. A chance to come together as a community to not only look into our hearts, but to look under our seats because everyone is getting Vermont maple scoooo-ooooones.

-Girlfriend, Oprah was right. People just want to be together and get free stuff! I didn't really have to bring this!

(You should Subscribe to our RSS, or follow us on Twitter)
Episode 17
-Hey Liz Lemon, you know where I could find a good church?

-My attorney told me I should join a church preemptively, 'cuz juries are suspicious of celebrities who find religion after getting into trouble.

-Mmm, they already turned me down. I'm still not sure what happened.

-I believe the moon doesn't exist. I believe vampires are the world's greatest golfers, but their curse is that they'll never get to prove it. I believe there are 31 letters in a white alphabet. Wha-What was the question again?

-So what's your religion, Liz Lemon?

-I really appreciate you bringing me to your church, Ken.

-What kind of Presbyterian is this?

-And ya'll always meet on Wednesday nights?

-What? He pointed right at me!

-Nooooooo.

-So where do you worship?

-Hey Jack's brother, what religion are you? This one sounds really expensive and gay.

-I'm Irish Catholic.

-Hey, did you hear the good news, JD? I'm Irish Catholic now. Like you, Regis, and the Pope.

-See I can screw up now and then just go to confession. No longer do I have throw my parties in international waters.

-I don't think I want that. I'm out. I don't want nothing crushing me.

Episode 18
-I'm incognito. Some dude is trying to slap me with a subpoena for a paternity suit and the kid ain't mine.

-Cuz I remember the girl, and it's impossible. I never got out of my car, and she never got all the way out of her tollbooth.

-Doctor Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will it tell me what diseases I might get, or help me to remember my ATM pin code?

-I already know the results. The kid is not mine.

-What's the verdict, doc?

-Jasper Buckleman?

-Yeah, that's a white dude.

-That's ridiculous, I can't be white. My whole persona is based on an in depth analysis of the differences between black and white.

-This is how black people dial the phone. Boopededoopeboopedoop. This is how white people dial the phone. Boop boop boop. Boop boop boop boop.

-I gotta call my wife. Boop boop boop boop. Ahhhhh. Ahh. Ahhhhh.

-I can't do this sketch.

-Because you can't have a white dude playing a criminal. That's a negative portrayal of my people!

-I don't know who I am anymore. There's been a black man inside of me for a long time. Now there's a white guy up in here, too. It's like an audience for a Bobby Mcfarin concert up in here.

-Of course you would say that. You wish you were white.

-See. Now you know what I'm going through.

-I think I am.

-No! I hate you, Thomas Jefferson! I don't know who I am anymore! You can't be my father!

-Yo, Toof. How you doing?

-Well, listen. Dream Jefferson told me some amazing stuff. He said, it's not about who you were, it's about who you are right now.

-Let me shoot something at you. I came up with a movie idea for all of this and I want you to write it.

-It's the story about Thomas Jefferson. Only thing, we're gonna do it like Norbit where I play all the parts.

-Hahah. It's not a comedy, it's a drama.

Episode 19
-Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Don Geiss, would you like some grenadine or fried rice?

-Sir, I have a movie project that is going to blow your mind. I call it, 'Jefferson'.

-No, Thomas Jefferson. I just recently found out that he went to town on one of my ancestors, so we're related.

-And Sally Hemmings and King George! I'm gonna play all the parts. Did you know he had a lisp? 'What's up sthupid jerks, I'm Tshomas Jeffersonst. So we're gonna need about $35 million to do this thing right.

-I pitched my Jefferson movie to Don Geiss, he said no. He said people only see movies because of the previews. And he couldn't visualize my Jefferson preview. He wants me to do Fat Bitch II instead.

-It's not the kind of stuff I want to do anymore, Ken. I want to be taken seriously. What should I do?

-You're right, K, I should make my own Jefferson preview and show it to Don Geiss.

-Hey, Liz Lemon, where you going? Listen, I'm gonna need to make a fake trailer for my Jefferson film. I'm gonna need the entire resources of the show for no more than 3 weeks. You in?

-Liz Lemon, you are my Alexander Hamilton.

-Writers, listen, I need your help.

-Oh, hey, Liz Lemon. Could you go away for a while? I gotta get rid of Freddie's erection.

-Freddy's playing the part of Thomas Jefferson's horse Coracticus. We needed a place to keep him until we shoot his stunts.

-Jack said I could. This movie is my destiny. It's the reason why God put me on this earth.

-Pray, who be this Tracy Jordan thou speakest off?

-Speakest.

-Well, stand guard by his rump and await it in his droppings.

-Aha. I like you, young man. You shall run my university.

-Mr. Geiss, I know we disagreed on my next movie project, but I hope this will change your mind. I give you this.

-Ahhh. Hoe that dirt. Put your back into it.

-Ah. Bring me my horse. Bring me Coracticus. You come along.

-Who are these Americans with their ridiculous ideas of freedom and equality?

-Eat that, King George!

-I shall call it, Susan.

-I'm with child.

-What?

-Will you free me and make me your wife.

-Uh, I'm gonna have to get back to you on that.

-Kill them. Ahh, kill them all.

-This is for you, Don Geiss, haha.

-Ahh. Get me off this horse.

-Well, Mr. Geiss, what do you think?

-He said no. Then he offered me $7 million to reprise my role as Cocoa the Dog.

-No. I turned him down.

-Look, Thomas Jefferson made his own country, I'm going to make my own movie. Finance it myself. All on my terms. Now whose with me?

-Good, good. Now first order of business. Get that dead horse out of car.

Episode 20
-They turned me down, Liz Lemon.

-The damn bank. I need a loan to finance my Thomas Jefferson movie. It's gonna be at least $30 million with all the claymation sex scenes in it.

-It's alright. The movie's just a small part of my plan.

-Tracy Jordan comeback. I'm doing a comedy tour, a Michael McDonald comedy album.

-What can I do? I'm on my grind. I'm'a have so much money, my grandkids are gonna play lacrosse. Lacrosse, Liz Lemon.

-What?

-Why would he say that? What have I ever done to embarrass black people?

-Because the Jet's lost!

-This is no coincidence.

-The bank loan. The Michael McDonald situation. Temple University. Dr. Cosby is sending a message!

-They're out to destroy me!

-The Black Crusaders.

-Harsh? I'm done. The Black Crusaders want to make an example out of me.

-The Black Crusaders are a secret group of powerful black Americans. Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey are the chief majors, but Jessie Jackson, Colin Powell, and Gordon from Sesame St, they're members, too. And they meet 4 times a year in the skull of the Statue of Liberty. You can read about that on the interweb.

-Right. Ahaha. Make fun of me all you want, Liz Lemon. Do you know they'll ruin anybody who they think are making black people look bad? They tanked 50 Cent's movie. They blew out Terrell Owens' ankle and they canceled Eddie Murphy's Oscar 'cuz he had ran out on Scary Spice. And now they're after Tracy Jordan!

-Man, I wish somebody else had seen that.

-Have you seen the cover of this month's Oprah Magazine? That is an anagram of outlaw salad tray.

-The Black Crusaders are trying to get rid of me. They want me to disappear like Coolio.

-Hello, Liz Lemon? It's me. Stacy Gordon. I can't tell you that. I'm sorry, Liz Lemon, I wanna thank you for everything you've done, but I quit.

-Starting a new life.

Episode 21
-Starting a new life.

-I think, I think you must have me confused with someone else, my name is Gordon Tremeshco.

-Kenneth should have given you the code word.

-That's it.

-Hey, thanks for taking me in, Jesse. I won't be a burden. Now make me a smoothie and let's go clubbing.

-Shhhhh.

-Was that Kenneth? What's going on in New York? Did he go to Russell Simmons' birthday party? Were there girls there with butts?

-Right.

-What's up?

-I'll tell you what you're looking at! I'm…Gordon Tremeshco.

-Kenneth, you have to come get me!

-I don't care what they do to me anymore. I'd rather die famous than live for a hundred years like this! Carrying plastic bags, sitting on benches, brushing my own teeth. This is unsuitable.

-Hey, dude, Jessie. Hey, listen, I gotta get outta here because of-

-Ahhhh.

-Ahhh.

-Thanks, Kenneth, for saving me.

-I think it's gonna be about immigration.

-Come on! Hey, do you guys know what's causing the traffic problem?

-Do you know how long it's gonna take for me to get to Midtown?

-Hey, I need you to take me.

-But I'm gonna miss the show!

-Ken, you are my boy!

-Oh my God, what a terrible mistake accident. Would you take 6th Avenue please?

-I got a lot on my plate right now, Ken.

-I'm back!

-Liz Lemon, I would like to recommend Kenneth the page for NBC medal of excellence.

-I got a lot on my plate!

-Wait, I don't know what this is.

-OK. Take this Black Crusaders, it's cowboy hey hey.

(Thanks for visiting Unlikely Words. If you liked what you read Subscribe to RSS, check out our About Page, read some of our favorite posts or follow us on Twitter)

###

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Funny Email Chains – DontEvenReply.com

aaron cohen — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 18:44:21 +0000

Thanks to Dave, I now have the genius E-mails from an Asshole in my life. ###Possibly related posts:Is Facebook Status Message Humor Still Funny? Keywords, They are Funny Things Cell Phones Killed the Funny Sitcom ### Possibly related posts:

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 3

aaron cohen — Mon, 18 May 2009 14:05:09 +0000

Anytime Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordan has a scene on 30 Rock, my brain shuts off and it's difficult to function. It's the combination of delivery and content, and there's hardly ever a scene throughout which, I'm not giggling foolishly. In celebration, I thought I'd post everything he said in 30 Rock Season 3. If you guys like it, I'll do Season 1 and Season 2, too.

Some of these lines are made funnier by adding context. For the most part, however, they're funnier without, so I didn't include any. Yes, this is basically a transcription of his lines without comment and I could have just copied and pasted out of the scripts. However, they're not online, so I watched every episode again, just for you. Leave your favorite lines in the comments, enjoy!

Episode 1
"It's official, I'm a genius. My video game is selling through the riznoof."

"61 million copies at 60 dollars each."

"I don't know, I think I did it alone, and this check is the priznoof."

"I know what you're hinting at, Liz Lemon. That I should get my rap career going again. [Whispering] All in due time."

"Nobles Oblige, yes. Let's go shopping. To the Bat Mobile!"

"Attention everyone. I'd like to thank everyone involved for making my video game the most profitable thing since the war on terra!"

"Yes, I am provocative!"

"Frank, for all your hard work, please accept this set of solid gold nunchuks."

"Petey Pete, for letting us use the sound booth, please accept this chinchilla coat."

"You're going to get so much nice nice in that, you're going to have to grow another ding-."

"Bev, [kissing] mwah. Now you look out for my girl Liz because me and her go way back like spinal chords and car seats."

"You're going to sue me? Who do you think you are, the San Diego zoo?"

"You can't sue me, I'm already being sued. Double indemnity!"

Episode 2
"Do you know who I am? Seriously, please, tell me who I am."

"Liz Lemon! Nemesis."

"OK, two can play at that game. Liz, could you please tell Kenneth that Liz wants him?"

"Mediation is a binding form of non-judicial dispute resolution."

"I watched Boston Legal 9 times before I realized it wasn't a new Star Trek."

"What? Please. We are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to black folks. It's like when Adrian Brody kissed Halle Berry at the Oscars."

"White people stole jazz, rock and roll, Will Smith, AND heart disease. Now they think they can take my hard earned money."

"Liz Lemon? That chick is dumb."

"Do you know it's still illegal to be black in Arizona."

"If it weren't for your people I'd still be in Africa. Gorgeous, politically stable, Africa."

"Whatever, you couldn't last one day in my shoes, Maroney, right, Toph?"

"OK, I will."

"Freaky Friday social experiment."

"Liz, it's Becky, your college roommate. See Liz Lemon, you're already treating me with more respect."

"You wait til I test this noise out on society. Minds will be blown."

"You can't fix this Liz Lemon, it's about race. It's about man and woman. It's about money. It's about being on TV. And no one understands all that."

"Hi strangers, do you think I'm sexy. Giggle, giggle, giggle."

"I'm meeting my girlfriends for brunch, I hope we can sit outside. Lipstick. Heeheehee."

"Good morning!"

"They ran out of white makeup because I insisted they do my buttocks."

"Good morning!"

"Jenna and I are doing a social experiment."

"I haven't seen Oprah since she did that episode about the worst celebrity dads."

"Uh, how you doing?"

"It's the way my world is right now."

"I've been hearing, but I haven't been listening."

"Lean on me, when you're not strong."

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Episode 3

"What's wrong, Ken. You got wife eyes!"

"Is there nothing sacred? Have we lost our moral center? It just makes me want to pee on someone."

"I hate to see you like this, Ken Doll. It's like an owl without a graduation cap. Heartbreaking!"

"So what can I buy you to make you happy?"

"Court? At night? I'm already laughing. Tell me more."

"So you never got closure with those beloved characters?"

"You ready for your big surprise?"

"Tadah!"

"That's right, K, and they're here for you!"

"My boy Ken has written a masterpiece. And trust me, I use that word a lot."

"I don't know, Ken, this is bad. I wish this was an episode of Night Court because then there'd be some big joke right now."

"You have to go through with this wedding, Harry, it means the world to my boy Ken."

"OK, so you and Markdeline have some bad blood, but it's bigger than that. My boy Kenneth, is going through some really tough times. They're trying to make him wear a coat that's different than his other coat."

"You won't regret this, Harry, you look great."

"It's happening."

"A problem that persists, Liz Lemon."

"I want a different answer, where's Jack Donaghy."

"Ken! You did it! You changed her mind!"

"I added that. I went upstairs and I told them if, 'you don't bring back the old uniforms, I refuse to play the role of Mac in Unversal's upcoming Night Court movie.'"

"Are you OK?"

Episode 4

"I don't want to go home, Ken. You know my two sons, Tracy Jr and George Foreman? They've been acting really weird lately."

"Nowhere."

"Those two have never paid me any attention. And rightly so, I'm a strange man who can't be taken seriously. Now they won't let me out of their sight."

"Nope, look at what the little one made me."

"This is voodoo, Ken! Those two are up to something."

"Well, there is all this new money coming in. And it's not just from the video game. It's the tie-ins, the toys, the life size Tracy Jordan sex doll that's selling like hotcakes in Japan!"

"I thought that was just the tagline for my movie, Deathbank."

"What? Say it! My kids are going to kill me!"

"Hey, guys, daddy's home. Don't Menendez me. Ahhhhhhhhh."

"Or am I?"

"That's not me, that's the Tracy Jordan Japanese sex doll. You can tell us apart because IT'S not suffering from a vitamin deficiency."

"To use as a decoy. So my greedy children will murder it and I'll be able to escape un-Menendezed."

"Or is it. The parallels between the Jordans and the Menendi are uncanny!"

"Both families are rich. Both families have two sons. And both families are staples of court TV."

"Exactly!"

"You want to get one? I can get you one."

"It begins."

"I love you, too, son. Stop it. Stop...patriciding. It's me. There's nothing to be freaked out about. That's just a Japanese sex doll in daddy's bed. Now you listen. You don't have to ever worry about me leaving because I'll always be there to take care of you. And there's something else. If anything ever happens to me, you, and your brother are going to go to jail."

"Liz Lemon, look, I'm not dead."

"Oh, also everything worked out with Jenna's dad visiting."

"Oh, you weren't really around for any of that."

"I would feel safer with some Saltines."

"Or am I?"

Episode 5

"You gotta go to your reunion. You get to get back everyone who ever messed with you."

"You said I'd never amount to anything. Look at me now, look at this necklace."

"How come there ain't no Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? They got every race and lifeform in the galaxy, except for Puerto Ricans. What's up with that?"

"Because Kenneth got a bigger laugh in the elevator than me today. And where were you two? Your job is to protect me from embarrassment."

"Making up words won't save you, ok? We're going to get on an elevator with Kenneth and you're going to laugh at my jokes."

"Hey, elevator, what's this? A ghetto mating call."

"Jenna, we're the most important people here, right?"

"And people around here shouldn't take attention from us, should they?"

"It's not the baby, it's Kenneth."

"Yeah, he does."

"That sounds really nice."

"We have to stop him!"

"This studio hosted the Kraft Television Theater where young writers like Patty Tchaiovsky and Rod Sterling first rose to prominence."

"It doesn't feel good when someone does your job, does it?

"I don't like it when you do jokes in the elevator. That's my job."

"[Crying] We're not really best friends. We're just good friends. I just want you to stop."

Episode 6

"Colorful sweaters?"

"[Crying] That kid's never going to be a doctor. Better buy it a jet ski."

"And NBC has to pay for our cabs to the airport."

"And I'm not going anywhere for Christmas."

"Nonononononono. I will not let you go into that neighborhood alone. In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo-"

"-And shalamsazam to you, too, my sister- We'll go with you uptown. And remember, Dotcom, you are there to protect ME, and not Liz Lemon."

"Thanks a lot, I never operated a camera before. I'm serious, that was very helpful."

"What's the past tense for scam? Is it scrummed? Liz Lemon, I think you just got scrummed."

"Oh, really? We're both black, so we must know each other."

"Hey, Irennnnnnne. Novicki hook you up with this job? Oh, girl, you better stop."

"Well, if all you want is a hug from a black person, maybe you should just host the Price is Right."

"Alright, I'll call Griz and Dotcom. I'm sure they're not doing anything."

"Or Basquiat."

"Our guest is sung with everyone from Paul Anka to Crocodile Dundee. Cross to Piano. Ladies and gentlemen, Jenna Maroney!"

"Liz Lemon, I know you're going to be all alone on Christmas Day, so if you like, you can spend it with the Jordans."

"Good, we'll be over at 2. My kids have a peanut allergy, but my dogs only eat steak."

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Episode 7

"Give me an example."

"Jack, you don't get it. I don't want to spend so much, I have to. I'm afraid Angie will divorce me if I ever have enough for her to live off of half. So before she can get it, I have to spend it on useless things like gold shoes and Griz and Dotcom."

"I don't gotta pre-nup. When Angie and I got married, my only assets were a toaster oven and two tickets to a Young MC concert."

"OK. I'll bring Angie in, but I'm going to tell her this is all YOUR idea."

"Don't help me, I'm too proud."

"You're not?!"

"She's done it before, Jack!"

"Forget it. I know you're not going to leave me. I've got somebody whose going to watch me die."

"This is happening, Jack. You can stay or you can leave, but it's going to take a while."

"There he is. I owe you, Jackie D. When I'm on my deathbed frenching my wife, I will think of you."

"This is real people. This is not a drill."

"They do that a lot in movies. An Afair to Remember, Sleepless in Seattle, and that remake of An Affair to Remember that I was in, A Blfair to Rememblack."

"Wooooow. Now you have what me and Angie have, minus the hypertension."

"I'll do it."

"Hello, yes, ok, thank you."

"The test was positive. Nonono. I mean positive like it's good. The test results were negative. Oh, I see your confusion. That's funny. Ahahaha. Ahahaha. Funny. Jack thought the test results was positive."

Episode 8

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Lalalalalalalalal."

"They said it was a flu shot, but I know it was really a truth serum?"

"Then why am I telling you you look like Tootsie today."

"Yeah."

"We didn't know what to get them and then I had a brainstorm. It was a bad one, Jenna had to put my tongue guard in."

"So, go do that."

"My what?"

"No."

"With what, my arms?"

"That would be the worst part."

"Yeah, for the crew, cuz it's they birthday."

"Yeah, we were out getting soup for the crew. Nope. We forgot about that, too. We were out shopping together. We had fun, though."

"Yeah, I tried on a lot of outfits."

"I know. I also want to thank you for controlling yourself sexually, while we spent time together on this adventure."

"Give it to me, it's mine."

"Medicine?"

"No!"

"Attention, ladies and germs and gentleman. Are you ready to feel better, cuz we have just the thing."

"No. Now in the grand tradition of Patch Adams, prepare yourself for the comic stylings of Tracy the Amazing and Jenna!"

"What, why aren't you laughing? This is happening to Liz."

Episode 9

"So, how am I looking Dr. Spaceman?"

"Diabetes?"

"So, how bad is diabetes, really?"

"Could I replace it with a wheel, like Rosie from the Jetson's?"

"It's a practice wheel for when I lose my foot to diabetes."

"There's no link between diabetes and diet. That's a white myth, Ken. Like Larry Bird or Colorado."

"Word."

"And I heard that from Yusef Jackson."

"Diabetes and diet. Next you'll be telling me that leasing a sports car is a bad investment."

"K. What's up with this disgusting stuff?"

"N-O-E. No. E."

"I didn't say anything."

"Through the stone?"

"I'm fine, Ken. I have so much energy, my hand keeps dancing."

"Hmmm. What is this?"

"Damn, K. That is weak. I'm a fourty year old man. You think I'ma be scared into eating some stuff because some-"

"Ahhhhh. I renounce everything. Cover your brain."

Episode 10

"What's up, Brian?"

"Of course not, I transcend race."

"You shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition at. But yeah, I'm in."

"A yard, like a lawn? Yes I have."

"I went out with the interns. Those white boys are not kidding around. Have you ever tasted scotch? It's terrible! And this thing they call 'box seats at the Ranger's game,' it's so cold. And what is Rohyphnal?"

"So I shouldn't have taken 2 of them for my headache?

"Hey, you know it, Bri-man."

"I have no idea what either one of us just said."

"I have a rep to maintain. If I can't keep up with a bunch of Wall St frat boys- uh, oh, here come the Roofies. You can do whatever you want to me."

"I'm going to. I'm Tracy Jordan. Why would I be afraid of fire next to my mouth."

"Ken, these interns are wearing me out. It's like I said in my non-hit comedy 'Cruise Boat,' I'm getting too old for this ship."

"Yes there is. Do you know what happens to a comedian when he gets old and loses his audience? He starts to get offered serious roles. And do you really want to see me play Arthur Ashe?"

"Exactly, so if I'm going to keep my hilarious reputation, these interns gotta go."

"Then I'll find something for them to do."

"I'm doing this so no one will know I'm getting old."

"This interview is over."

(Thanks for visiting Unlikely Words. If you liked what you read Subscribe to RSS, check out our About Page, read some of our favorite posts or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 11

"NBC, blah blah blah, thank you."

"Ken, you need to snap out of it and ask out that sexy Ms Magoo.

"I know love at first site when I see it. I saw it when I met Angie. I saw it the first time Dotcom laid eyes on Griz's fiance."

"Now's the time for gallantry."

"Well, cotton and fiddles, I enjoy your smile."

"You may call me, Kenneth the Page, cuz that is who I am. Would you like to go out with me tomorrow night? Yes, indeedy corn cobs."

"It's a Valentimesdatelydoo."

"That's how you get to Manhatten's fanciest restaurant."

"Yes, I found it on my favorite website. Stopshowingoff.com."

"It's the best, darn tootenist restaurant in all of New York."

"Not just any entertainment, the best singer in the world. Michael McDonald."

"It doesn't have to end here, ya'llsies."

"That is cold, blind lady. Oh, and by the way, you're not so attractive yourself."

"Yes, you are."

"I tried."

Episode 12

"You know it! I cursed for three hours straight just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch!"

"You got it. NGS, Fridays at C30 on TB10."

"But then he scores a basket even though he's not a wolf anymore."

"Good. I'm glad I'm here."

"Larry, I'm not an expert, but I do have a strong opinion. New York, as we know it, will no longer exist tomorrow."

"Look. I grew up here, Larry, in the days before Starbuck. And if Wall St crashes, it'll be the 1970's all over again. People will get mean. The streets won't be safe. It'll be graffiti everywhere. And the movies will only cost 3 dollars."

"Uhm, my work has taken me there. I was supposed to be in that movie Rush Hour, but two weeks into shooting, I was replaced by Jackie Chan."

"Larry, what everyone needs to do is just take a deep breath, calm down, and start preparing their bodies for the Thunderdome. That is the new law."

"Devil's avocado here, Larry. I think people should freak the geek out. Withdraw all your money and hide it."

"It's what I've always done. I hide cash everywhere. At home, at church, even at work. In fact, I've hidden so much money, that if some of it was gone, I probably wouldn't even notice."

"I don't know."

"I'm saying the Disneyfication of New York is over, everyone. At the stroke of midnight, your Lexus is going to turn back into a hot pile of rats fighting over a human finger."

"Hang on. I know Jack Donaghy and that is an imposter. Hang up. Hang up on him, Larry."

"Hey, I recognize that voice anywhere, Larry. That's my friend Peter Frampton on the phone."

"Of course, Pete. I hid my money in the safest place at 30 Rock. Without giving it away, the place I picked is very dry and warm. Its top is hard, but its bottom is soft. And although the location changes all the time, the money stays in the same place."

"I already told you. It's dry and warm. Its top is hard, but its bottom is soft. And although the location changes, it's always in the same place."

"I never said it was a thing."

"Watch TGS, Fridays at 10:30. Word!"

Episode 13

"Thanks for coming out, thanks for watching. Love, peace, and hairgrease!"

"That's because I don't have a birthday, Ken."

"I don't have a birth certificate, cuz I was born inside of Yankee Stadium. I bounced around foster families so much, no one ever bothered to throw me a party."

"I don't need a birthday cause I buy myself all the presents I need. And because of my drinking, they're often a surprise."

"But I don't have a birthday!"

"I do feel it. You're all so amazing. And to think I was just calling ya'll a bunch of racists."

"I did not know that?"

"Suree, Suree, Suree."

"You were right, Ken, birthday's are special. And now mine's is over. And who knows when February 24th will come again. Now that warm happy feeling is gone, there's no cake in my mouth, and that birthday wish is malarkey. Malarkey!"

"Come on, Daniel."

"My birthday wish came to true!"

"I wished for you to get better. I was gonna to wish for breakfast in bed with Robocop while an elephant paints us."

"But then I saw you with that backbrace on right before I blew out my candles. It's a birthday miracle!"

"Ahhhahaaahah. Ahhhahaha."

Episode 14

"Here come the County Court Steppers. Their traditional dance celebrates the spirit and the ingenuity of the Irish people."

"Wake up, Motherfu-"

"I feel I should be rewarded for going this long without swearing on live TV."

"50 grand? Can anyone cut this in half."

"OK, great meeting."

"There you are, Liz Lemon. You wanna buy half a watch? I have to pay my fine in cash. I guess FCC stands for Federal Bunch of Sticklers."

"I sure have. I learned that if you pay some money afterwards, you can say whatever you want on TV. I can even say what Earnest Borgnine whispered to me at-"

"That's always the lesson! If you have money you can do whatever you want. Now I'm off to appear on Martha Steward Live. Ooh, it's gonna be raunchy."

"Hello, Liz Lemon. Just catching up on some work. What sounds more shocking '[Bleeeeeeeep]' or '[Bleeeeeeeep]'?

"Hear you go. Everything's OK."

"I don't want to hurt the crew. I love the crew. All we do is joke around together about our stupid boss Liz Lem-"

"Great idea, Liz Lemon!"

"The first two thirds! I don't need to stop being myself if I AM the advertiser! I have the money. I'll just buy up all of the ads and let that hilarious Tracy Jordan character do whatever he wants."

"We'll see about that."

"Kenneth, I need you to set up a meeting with you and the folks from ad sales. What do you mean you're not in charge anymore?"

"I do not apologize, America. I did not even write that apology. I am advertiser Tracy Jordan and I approve this message. I am an advertiser. I am an advertiser. Is that 30 seconds, yet?"

"Hey, America, check out my fun cooker!"

"Hi. I'm Tracy Jordan. My wife is throwing away some of our old towels. Do you want them cuz they're out by the trash cans. Now that's gots to be 30 seconds. Nine? OK, here comes the fun cooker."

"Can we get some Diet Slice and pita chips up in here?"

"All I did is ask for some Diet Slice and some pita chips."

Episode 15

"Hey, Ken, do you know what I have a craving for?"

"And some?"

"You are my Radar O'Reilly, Ken. Now get in here and rub my feet til you hear a chopper coming."

"This is better than a family. No one around here asks me for my damn bone marrow."

"OK. Sorry it took me so long to answer. I was just thinking about how weird it is that we eat birds."

"How is this not really about money?"

"What's that now, Charles?"

"I never thought of it like that. Thank you. I quit. Goodbye."

"Hello?"

"Bill Cosby? You gotta a lot of nerve getting on the phone with me after what you did to my Aunt Paulette."

"1971, Cincinnatti. She was the cocktail waitress with the droopy eye."

"Try to tell me what to do? Dr Heathcliff Huxtable with your light-ass kids. Jack, why would you make me talk to this man?"

"[Singing] 'My girl has a fat neck.' I'm sharp, let's do it again."

"Oh, hey, Cranston, I was looking for Kenneth."

"[Singing] 'Fat neck girl let me count your neck rings.' Family? Whose in charge of my thirst?"

"Cranston, why hasn't Kenneth called me back yet? I miss him. Cranston? Why are you crying?"

"Hey, Ken? I've been calling you, has Cranston not been giving you my messages?"

"Yeah, well. Don't worry. I just came to get a few of my things. And I won't bother you."

"Alright. I guess that's everything. But I want you to know. If I walk out that door, Ken, I'm not gonna call again. It's over. You understand?"

"You used Cranston as his gatekeeper?"

"Wait a minute, you want to fire my boy, Ken?"

"Unless?"

"You say Kenneth can't work here because I don't work here. But if I work here, so can Kenneth."

"Of course you don't, you idiot. I'm coming back to work, Jack. With Kenneth!"

"I'll be in my dressing room."

Episode 16

"I will be brief. I have decided to fulfill my dream of going into space. If you have a spaceship and are looking for a hilarious astronaut with an irregular heartbeat and thirty million dollars, I am prepared to leave as soon as tomorrow. I wrote that yesterday. I will not be taking questions."

"What is this, Horseville? Cuz I am surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay!"

"Look, when I was a kid growing up in the projects, I would look up at the stars and dream of going into space. Of escaping the slums. Of killing the Ewok! Now the man that kid has become can make those dreams come true. Do you know what that's like?"

"Then you know why I have to do this. As Robert Browning once wrote, 'Ho, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what is a heaven for? I was prepared for the possibility of this meeting."

"Thank you, Jacky D!"

"At least it's a dry heat here in Florida."

"Computer, when do I get some Tang? Also, I'm thirsty. Hahahahaha. Wordplay. Hahaha."

"I'm scared, but I'm also excited! Hahahah. Ooooh. I'm Lizzing. Hahaha. Lizzing. I'm Lizzing."

"Tracy to Earth. Come in Earth."

"Great wink, Kenneth. Space is very cold, but very beautiful. And sometimes it sounds like Jenna yelling in the distance. I think I- Oh my God, where did you get that rocket?"

"It's awesome."

"Hey, Jacky D. If everyone could see the world the way I see it, it would be a better place to live!"

"I think so. I wish I was there so I could play with it."

Episode 17

"Dessert."

"Someone put too many farts in this engine, it's about to explode."

"I'm Flava Obama and I'd like to introduce our Undersecretary of Housing and Crystal Meth, boooooyyyyy."

"It's farting. It's farting."

"That's our show for tonight, see you next week!"

"This is TGS."

"Woah, K."

"I'm sorry, but just let me know if there's any way I can help."

"No, I was just saying that. Why can't you read human facial cues? Alright, what is it?"

"Yeah, OK. Birds are like little dinosaurs. So what I'll be doing is actually pretty cool and brave."

"What?"

"Hey, little guy."

"I wasn't going to. I wasn't going to. Ahhh."

"Jenna, something weird is going on."

"No, it's not that. Jenna, you're the smartest person I know. Do you think Kenneth could be a murderer?"

"Well, I might be crazy, but neither he, nor his bird would let me into his bedroom. And why wouldn't you want to let Tracy Jordan into your bedroom unless you got a bunch of dead nurses in there."

"He grew up killing pigs."

"No wonder he's fascinated when I do that."

"I admonished him for that earlier. Three for three, he's a monster."

"Hey, K. Where's Jonathan?"

"Uh, huh."

"Yeah, it's about someone else. I'm afraid this guy I know in Canada might be a serial killer."

"Kenneth. I mean, I'll tell you his name. It's Kenneth."

"If I had any doubts about this before, and I don't think I did, they're gone now."

"Yeah, like Julia and Denzel in the Pelican Brief."

"Jenna, I just want you to know, that if we find any human remains in there, I'm gonna throw up all over your face."

"Oh, no. Kenneth's a murderer and a Riddler is coming."

"Yeah, but on the bright side, you've been downgraded from suspect to person of interest."

"Hahahaha. Time does heal all wounds."

"Ken, we feel bad that we, but mostly Jenna, gassed your bird."

Episode 18

"No, Passive resistance. I learned that from Dr. King. I'm brave!"

"I don't need to read it. The entire thing is loosely based on an evening I spent with Isaiah Thomas."

"Alright, enough. This fighting stops now."

"I knew this would happen someday. A woman would come between us. Well I'm not standing by, I'm taking action."

"Well, Liz Lemon's in jail now and somebody has to step up and take charge around here."

"Let the problem solving begin."

"Are you Daphne? Yeah, you're fired."

"I had to. Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like that HBO show, John Adams."

"Hmmm, usually this is the point in my process where Liz Lemon steps in and takes care of everything. Heavy is the head that eats the crayons. Gonna take a nap, see you in 10 hours."

"No we don't, he's not even gonna notice they're gone."

"These are the new dancers, Ken. Say hi to Velvet."

"Just think, an hour ago they were broiling in the parking lot, but tonight they're gonna be stars. Oh boy."

"As we celebrate the life of Jenna Maroney."

"That was some of Jenna Maroney's earlier work. It's hard to believe that both of those women outlived her, especially the woman on the right. We'll be right back."

"And finally tonight. What more fitting way to say goodbye to our friend than with the gift she gave all of us, her music. Ladies and gentlemen, Issac Bimmelmans and the Tracy Jordan Dancers."

"Why are you smiling, you're freaking me out."

"You're crazy."

(Thanks for visiting Unlikely Words. If you liked what you read Subscribe to RSS, check out our About Page, read some of our favorite posts or follow us on Twitter)

Episode 19

"We've narrowed it down, Liz Lemmon."

"This Saturday is the 20th anniversary of the night that me and Angie met. She was working at the Diker Heights Arthur Treaches and I was residing there. She slipped me a free shrimp combo and we've been together ever since, so this present has to be special. It's either going to be a denim jacket that says 'Hot Bitch' in diamonds, or a Slanket."

"You are wise, Liz Lemon, like a genetically manipulated shark. So as a token of my gratitude, I got something especially for you."

"Liz Lemon, you dummy."

"I asked Angie what she wanted for our anniversary, and she wants me to get a tattoo of her name."

"And above it she wants this picture of her face. I can't have this on my chest scaring off beautiful women in the clubs."

"You know I like to socialize, Liz Lemon. And you know my signature move with the ladies."

"It's taking off my shirt."

"Now, it's a Sophie's Choice. I can't get this tattoo and I can't tell Angie 'no'."

"That's a start, Liz Lemmon, that's a start."

"Dotcom, that is a great idea. If you want everyone to think I own a gay lion. Tangiers?"

"Look, this is my reputation we're talking about here. Use your heads."

"Continue."

"-Is for me to arrange a test of erotic temptation. Yes."

"We're going out tonight, Jacky D, and we're going to be tempted like Jesus in the wilderness. Jesus is my stereo guy and the Wilderness is a club I took him to once."

"Sure thing, baby. Give a kid a call, hmm? Holla?"

"Tip of the iceberg, Jacky D. You can have all of this whenever you want. Or, you could marry that nice lady you're in love with. It's up to you."

"Of course I do. Angie's the one."

"It's a thing I made up after seeing the Matrix."

"OK. This is something I've never told anyone. This is my terrible secret. In 20 years that I've known her, I've never cheated on my wife. There, I said it. Don't look at me."

"The partying is just for show, and because I'm a high-functioning alcoholic. All those phone numbers you see me handing out? They're not even mine."

"So can you. Because I'm a ridiculous unstable human being."

"And if Angie wants me to get a tattoo of her to prove my life, then I'm getting that tattoo."

"Griz, get the car. Dotcom get the coats and which one of your ladies wants to pick up the tab."

"No and at large. I mighta went out and had too a little much to drink last night, but you'll be proud of me, Liz Lemon Cool J, because I went out and got that tattoo Angie wanted me to get. Pow! How you like me now?"

Episode 20

"What the hell time is it?"

"No, I took my son to his cello recital this morning at what turned out to be midnight yesterday! White opressors, answer my question. What time is it really?"

"You're a bunch of racists."

"You treat me like a child. No worse than that. You treat me like one of those little pageant girls with the clip on teeth."

"Irregardless, you know what? Race card!"

"I think I've made my point."

"Don't patronize me with your Celtic slang, Liz Lemon, we have a black president now."

"This is post-racial America, and I demand to be treated like everyone else."

"Fine."

"Fine, I'll bring my lunch from home."

"You don't think I can do that?"

"Fine, but I'll have the last laugh. Hahahaha."

"Professional is my middle name."

"No need, I've got it memorized."

"I'm going to do a Valentino cross, camera right, then dump the lavs, so stay on your fours, guys."

"3:15, time for union break."

"No. Do not apologize. In fact, everyone? Everyone gather round. Actor announcement. I want to publicly thank you, Liz Lemon, for you have shown me, that in today's world, everyone should be treated exactly the same. No one should get preferential treatment."

"Not black comedy superstars, not Hispanics, not Indians, not whatever this guy is. And not women, Liz Lemon."

"Good. I feel parched from being so professional, could I trouble you for some water?"

"No. No. Equality. Everyone should be treated the same, right Liz Lemon? You should change it."

"No one help her."

"Hello, Liz Lemon. I was just telling these fellas how you don't want to be treated any differently because you're a woman."

"Good. We're learning."

"Hello, Elizabeth."

"I'm done with my work, I was very professional."

"It was."

"You coming, Liz Lemmon? Because a dude boss would be a jerk if he didn't come to Lutz's bachelor party. Also a dude boss, would pay for it."

"Twist."

"I don't want to be here, I don't like it here. Who is this guy?"

"The black one. I can't take it anymore. I hate it."

"Everything is upside down."

"Yes, we upset the natural order. You're going to strip clubs, I'm up writing all night."

"We're dressing monkeys up as people and monkeys are playing with people as toys!"

"We don't wanna end up like those two!"

Episode 21

"Come on in, Jack, I'm just practicing sitting."

"Because he's dead."

"Because if that man was alive, he'd be living in my pool house and I'd be paying him two hundred thousand dollars a year to mow my lawn."

"I feel like you're not telling me something, Jack. Let me guess. You bought a sidecar for your motorcycle and your dog won't stay in it."

"Why? Jack, every man should know his father."

"No it wasn't. I struggled through that sentence. But I know what I'm talking about because not long ago a son I didn't know about found me."

"My love child tracked me down. I was shocked, scared, angry. Like a dog in a sidecar when it comes loose from the motorcycle. But it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me."

"Everybody, gather up. Actor announcement. No, human announcement."

"There's something I want you all to hear directly from me before you read about it in next month's issue of Black Entrepreneur and Butts Magazine. I have an illegitimate son."

"Obviously, my family wanted to keep this private, but somehow, those vultures in the media found out about it."

"Like a dog in a sidecar when it comes loose from the motorcycle. But it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me."

"Oh, noooooooo."

"Now, I didn't know about this boy up until three years ago, but I've been supporting him financially ever since. And I want you all to meet him."

"I want you bastards to meet my bastard. My baby boy, Donald Jordan."

"Well, as long as it's for something you need."

"I love you, man."

"Why won't this stupid gizmo do what I want. I'm going to miss the lotto drawing."

"Of course, why would I lie about my age, I'm in the entertainment industry."

"Not familiar, but what about this song? [Singing] Tea is great after being out late, after walking my baby ba-"

"39."

"Yes you are, son. That's what that birth certificate you printed out for me said."

"Yes I do, and I left the amount blank, just like you asked."

"Donald's opening a dojo."
I
"Hey, remember this song? [Singing] If e'r a fair maiden, a knight chance to see."

"OK, that was to put in Dotcom's birthday card. But you're right. The card is enough."

"I know."

"Liz Lemon, I might hug people too hard and get lost in malls. But I'm not an idiot."

"When Donald came to me he was a fast talking charmer from the wrong side of the track. He reminded me of someone, Liz Lemon, Jon Travolta's character from Grease. And me."

"Call it what you want, but in the last three years, Donald has gone from scamming celebrities to being a small business owner."

"And the community center is thriving. Do you know Kenneth's eighty dollars bought a chess set and a crate of condoms?"

"That's what ya'll naming it? Thank you, son. Thank you."

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Episode 22

"Not interested."

"Because Frank Lucas High School was a hell hole. Griz knows, he was there. A drug dealer named Campbell, he ruled that school. He wanted me to find a snitch called Baby. Campbell wanted me to cut him open."

"I wouldn't do it. I dropped out, and I vowed never to go back to that place."

"Yes he was."

"No he wasn't."

"What frog?"

"When have I ever cried?"

"It's true, there is no Baby. I was chicken. I was chicken."

"You can't understand, Ken. Where I come from, street cred is everything. That's why, when I left that school in shame, I vowed never to cry again. And I never have."

"Don't die! I love you, Jack."

"Diet Slice and some pita chips."

"I don't wanna be here, I don't like it here."

"I was just calling ya'll a bunch of racists."

"We're not really best friends, we're just good friends."

"I was chicken. I was chicken."

"I'm never going back to Frank Lucas High School to be reminded of my greatest failure."

"Uh uh. I've changed, Ken, into a badass adult. I have a wolfdog, and I have two bad knees and I have a gun. That I lost!"

"Damn, K, you know who that was?"

"I grew up with that guy. He was the baddest gangster in my class. We called him 'Mean Steve', but his real name was Steven Killah."

"Well, if a bad ass OG like that can get stuck delivering food, how did I get out?"

"You're right, Ken. They should. 5 F bombs, right?"

"I almost didn't make it here this afternoon, but then a very special friend showed me the way. So I'd like to take a moment to thank Victor Cardova from the Sunoco station on Lennox Avenue."

"But there's another reason why I almost didn't come today. Fear. Fear of letting people know the real me. I have but one thing to say to all of you. Be yourself. And I'm talking to you clearly, gay kid. And you, white kid just trying to go unnoticed."

"Just be yourself and I guarantee you every single person in this room will one day be President of the United States."

"OK, but I'm allergic to horses."

"[Crying] Who wants my autograph."

"There you are, you stupid cracker. Do you know why I get a hotel room? To poop in peace! No kids banging on the door, no phones ringing. It's my time! Every Tuesday and Thursday at three PM. I don't know why I only go twice a week. That's what Angie should be worried about."

"Pete, how am I going to live, I only have three hundred million dollars."

"High school graduate, do you know what this means, Griz? Dotcom? Ken? We're going to college."

"How'd you say that without moving your mouth?"

Thanks for visiting Unlikely Words. If you liked what you read Subscribe to RSS, check out our About Page, read some of our favorite posts or Follow us on Twitter

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Charles Barkley Endorses Obama

aaron cohen — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 20:39:57 +0000

I don't know if anyone else thinks this is interesting or not, but that's why I have my own blog (or, well, why I convinced Matt to let me color the walls of his blog). Charles Barkley has a history of saying whatever the hell he wants (most of it hilarious or sardonic at least) (I have a list somewhere that I will post when I find it), but he's always been a gigantic Republican. He's been talking about running for governor of Alabama forever and apparently he's going to run in 2014. That will make for an interesting race. In any case, apparently Barkley left the party in '06, "I was a Republican until they lost their minds."

Well said, Chuck.

(Via HuffPo)

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Shanty Dorm

aaron cohen — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 14:54:47 +0000

I can't decide which of the following is my favorite quote from the video. Watch for yourself and vote in the comments.
"Are you there Jah? It's me Ras Trent."
"Rude boys living in the Shanty-Dorm"
"Have you ever noticed how bald heads suck?"
"Me toil part time at Jah Cold Stone Creamery"

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