Unlikely Words » Pantheon

Jersey Shore Nickname Generator

aaron cohen — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 12:08:13 +0000

Like a lot of America, I spent Thursday night spellbound by MTV's newest reality series Jersey Shore. For those of you not caught up, imagine if MTV staged "Real World" on the Jersey Shore with 8 characters, with names like "The Situation" and "Jwoww", who combine steroids, fake tans, and hair gel to make some of the trashiest television I've ever seen. This is an epic level of douchery that may not be matched in pop culture ever. Ever is a long time and I wanted to add to the douchery, so I badgered Chris into helping me cobble together the Jersey Shore Nickname Generator below. Enjoy! You may also enjoy the Tiger Woods Mistress Generator.
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UPDATE 2/4: You can now purchase the Jersey Shore Nickname Generator app on iTunes under the name, "My Jersey Shore Name." There is also a Droid app as well. Go to the app marketplace and search "Jersey Shore Name Generator."

Name:

Male
Female

If you think of any nicknames that should be in here, leave them in the comments or email them to me. Thanks again, to Chris McCoy for helping with this. If you like what you see on Unlikely Words, Subscribe by RSS, or follow on Twitter, or subscribe by email or on Facebook.
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Update: Oops, should have been better with the Google. Here's a Jersey Shore nickname generator that's a little more offensive than mine. They did have it up firsties, though.

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Everything Don Draper Said Season 3

aaron cohen — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 06:32:59 +0000

Here's Season 3 of Everything Don Draper Said (and Season 1 and Season 2 (PLUS Everything Tracy Jordan Said Seasons 1, 2, and 3)). There were a few episodes this season where Don's story wasn't necessarily the focal point, or he didn't have too many knockout scenes, and yet, as you scroll through, you'll still find some magic. He had about 500 more words than last season, but much less than the 10K words in Season 1. As always, what follows is a transcription of everything Don Draper said this season on Mad Men. There's no context, but if you're a fan of the show, you'll lose your morning looking at this. Enjoy!

Episode 1
"Come on, drink this."
"You're so sure it's a girl?"
"I could have done that."
"At least you don't look tired."
"Close your eyes."
"You're on a warm sandy beach."
"You're on a warm sandy beach. You can smell the faint scent of coconut oil. And as you slide your hands though that cold patch of sand underneath the shadow of your deck chair."
"Bert's on it's way. Where's Roger?"
"Well, it's a sales call, isn't there more I can do here?"
"Really? I have one."
"Come on in, Bert."
"This isn't easy."
"Is that the last of it? Because I don't like how much I'm getting used to these."
"Can you believe this? What is the world coming to?"
"That's not a bottle, it's his date."
"'I'm sorry honey, but I'm taken. I just pawned my typewriter so we can be together all weekend.'"
"Excuse me?"
"Uh, Bill. Call me Bill. And, uh, this is my associate, Mr. Fleischman."
"Well, we have to check in and we have an early meeting."
"The Belvedere."
"Hoffstadt. My brother in law. He borrowed a suitcase to go to Puerto Rico, but he never tires of putting his name on other people's things."
"Really?"
"Uh, no, it's OK. I don't usually tell people I'm an accountant."
"Of course you do know there are other kinds of accountants."
"Tell them what we do."
"Well, I'll have to swear you all to secrecy."
"You're right."
"You ever heard of James Hoffa."
"There is a lot of money missing."
"No, we're accountants."
"I don't know, I keep going to a lot of places and keep ending up somewhere I've already been."
"Sam."
"Well, this is me."
"I don't know."
"I've been married a long time. You get plenty of chances. It's my birthday."
"It really is."
"That's not gonna help."
"Stand up."
"Go on."
"Not yet."
"Come on, let's go. Come on, forget your shoes. Let's go. Come on!"
"Come on."
"I'm just here to show you the continuity of our service. With our without Bert Peterson, you are on our mind."
"Morris, you remember Salvatore Romano."
"Sal, this is Howard."
"Well, is it about our work? I mean, we don't want to take credit for everything, but 2 of every 3 raincoats sold last year had London Fog stitched on the inside pocket."
"London Fog is a 40 year old brand that sounds like it's existed forever. You've established with our help that it means one thing. Rain coats. New products aside, there will be fat years and there will be lean years, but it is going to rain."
"What time is it?"
"We should be back in the office by 3."
"I'm gonna ask you something and I want you to be completely honest with me. London Fog. It's a subway car, and there's a commuter looking up. There's a girl with her back to us. She's wearing one of those short tan ones, but it's open. Her legs are bare. We know what he's seeing. Limit your exposure."
"Good."
"Help yourself. So, Cosgrove vs Campbell. Is Cooper playing God or Darwin?"
"Lane read about it in some management book?"
"Come in."
"What?"
"Our stories are straight."
"Find how much it is to repair and it will come out of your allowance."
"Then don't break things."
"Come here."
"I will always come home. You'll always be my girl."
"I don't sleep well when I'm not here."
"Yes."
"Well, it was the middle of the night and it was raining very hard and I had just come home from work."

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Episode 2
"Jesus, Bets, have some oatmeal, that baby's gonna weigh a pound."
"You gonna collect the whole set?
"You didn't need a decorator last time. I'd like to feel like I'm paying for something. These are $3 a piece you know?"
"I'm late."
"We are going to Tarrytown. And you're going to stare at some antique chair for so long the buttons will seem interesting. And then we'll go to Carvel. See you tonight."
"I don't usually set meetings, I attend them."
"Shall we?"
"10 years."
"I don't know if the ladies want to talk about that."
"Look, I didn't want to be there anymore than you did."
"What?"
"Tell me know and not 3 seconds after I've dozed off."
"Another stroke?"
"Can you blame her?"
"Maybe she realized he's a son of a bitch."
"Great. More antiques."
"Those girls are a nightmare."
"Why did you even bother asking me?"
"Send him in."
"Glad to hear it. They really hit it off."
"I told you before, Roger's the lion tamer."
"It will help if you tell me who these people are."
"What does he want?"
"Today?"
"Have Campbell send over the folder."
"What else did you have to do today? What else do you have to do all week?"
"Sorry to hear that."
"Your words not mine."
"Edgar."
"In the interest of time, you want to demolish Penn Station and New York hates it."
"Can they stop it?"
"But they can't stop it, can they?"
"Your concern over public opinion shows a guilty conscience. Now what good is that serving you if what is to be done is already under way?"
"Good. Then let's also say that change is neither good nor bad, it simply is. It can be greeted with terror or joy. A tantrum that says, 'I want it the way it was'. Or a dance that says, 'Look, something new'."
"I'm not drawing a line at all. PR people understand this, but they can never execute it. If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation."
"I was in California. Everything is new, and it's clean. The people are filled with hope. New York City is in decay. But Madison Square Garden, it's the beginning of a new city on a hill."
"I will handle it personally."
"Gene."
"You're an Army man, Gene. Drop your socks and…grab something."
"Lights out at 8:15. I'm impressed."
"How bad is he?"
"What now?"
"I understand it's not ideal, but it's the next logical step."
"Cut it out!"
"What do you wanna do?"
"You want anything?"
"Did he talk about television?"
"You're gonna have to keep a low profile on this, but it doesn't mean you're not working."
"Can I get you anything?"
"Did their check bounce already?"
"Did you tell them it's a stadium in the middle of New York City? It's one of a kind."
"I'm confused."
"That's for right now."
"Madison Square Garden is our way into the World's Fair. The largest trade show in history. Plus there's the Garden itself. Hotels, concerts, sports. This could mean 30 years of business."
"You told me to go out and get this account. I did. I did my job and now you're telling me it's all for nothing because you forgot to check with your boss first? Who's running this place?"
"Why the hell did you buy us in the first place?"
"Tell Mr. Campbell, 'Madison Square Garden is dead'."
"Can it wait?"
"What is this?"
"Yes, everyone wants a drink that sounds like a floor. This is Chinese."
"I haven't seen it."
"Fine."
"I'm sure."
"She's throwing herself at the camera. It's pure. It makes your heart hurt."
"What did the geniuses at Patio want?"
"It's not about making women feel fat. This is, 'Look how happy I am that I drink Patio. I'm young and excited and desperate for a man'."
"Peggy, I know you understand how this works. Men want her, women want to be her."
"It is. I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable."
"You're not artist, Peggy. You solve problems. Leave some tools in your toolbox."
"Hey, where's mom?"
"What's the matter?"
"No, you're not."
"William says?"
"William."
"I'll go get the chicken in a minute."
"I don't care."
"About your father."
"This is what's going to happen. You are going to explain to your sister and your wife that we have reached an understanding. You are going to support your father financially and I am going to take him into my house. His house is going to remain untouched."
"You're gonna go out and you're gonna tell your sister this is what you want. We'll pretend that you did the right thing on your own."
"And he's in my home. I want you to leave tonight and I want you to leave the Lincoln, I can't have him here without a car."
"New York Central, Broadway Limited from Penn Station. It leaves in 2 hours."
"Gene."
"I did. You were great."
"Fine."
"Whatta you got?"

Episode 3
"We don't have to go, you know?"
"It's Roger and Jane."
"Gene."
"Bed time."
"Look at you."
"Here. Gene, here you go."
"No, just this particular problem."
"Well, I think I am finally ready to go."
"Don't hand out your card."
"Do you want to go?"
"Can I get an Old Fashioned?"
"I don't have a lot of time."
"Rye OK with you?"
"You're not a member either?"
"I am at work disguised as a party."
"Why is that?"
"Where you from?"
"You look fit."
"Mid-Summer Night's Dream?"
"Where I grew up there was a roadhouse. It boasted live music. That meant a drum, a bass, and a player piano with nobody at it. I parked cars. Fancy people would go there. They'd get loud, they'd get drunk. But they wouldn't let me use the toilet."
"So, when nature called, I'd open up a trunk and relieve myself."
"I was 15. There's probably some kid out there doing it to us right now."
"Pennsylvania, by way of Illinois. We lost our farm and ended up in coal country."
"Don Draper, this is my wife, Betty."
"Primaries are still a long way off."
"Come on, come on. You should sit down."
"I'll take care of her."
"Your wife's drunk."
"Roger, it's late."
"No one thinks you're happy. They think you're foolish."

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Episode 4
"Don't get up."
"Don't let me interrupt."
"You'll have take radio the way it is."
"During the Depression I saw somebody throw a loaf of bread off the back of a truck. It was more dignified."
"Campbell, did you tell him who this idiot's father is?"
"Horace, Sr is connected to Bert Cooper in a million ways and I don't know if he would like what just happened in there."
"Well, there you have it."
"Has anybody been outside, do I need a coat?"
"I look forward to his average work. Replace him."
"What were you gonna do if you had to fire him? Have Sal do it."
"Sal, do you wanna do it?"
"It's lifted straight from 'Bye, Bye, Birdie.' It's a single shot. Sal did the storyboards. I could one, but I don't think I should have to. Alison?"
"Gene."
"Gene, don't."
"Bobby give it back."
"There was a person in that helmet."
"Bobby, it's a dead man's hat, take it off."
"Of course."
"That's not strictly true, but you are family and, well, it appears to be a lot of money."
"Well, you know, your son has a dream."
"So, you want us to proceed?"
"Pleasure to see you again.
"I'll sign him tonight."
"Jack Kennedy certainly ended up with a better job than his father."
"I want to give you a piece of advice. I've been doing this a while and I applaud your enthusiasm. But I think you should take this decision a little more seriously."
"You have a great fortune. That's not just money, that's the future. And we will take all of your money, I promise you. But I think you should evaluate this particular obsession. You can do better."
"Then why aren't you eating dinner with Ogilvy?"
"Mr. Hooker, did Lane stop by the clubhouse?"
"Full steam ahead."
"Well, you head him boys. Don't stop until you see the whites of his pockets."
"Bill it to the kid."
"Look, I don't think there's any ambiguity about this being exactly, and I mean exactly what you asked for."
"That is magnanimous."
"Send him in."
"It must be horrible having a client insist on something and then change their mind once they've seen it. I hope it never happens to me."
"I'm in a meeting."
"What's the matter?"
"Oh. I'm sorry, Bets."
"I'm very sorry."
"Do you want me to call William?"
"Just stay put, I'll be right there."
"I'm gonna have to go."
"There's nothing you could do. Don't ruin the only good thing to come of this. You are now a commercial director."
"You'll know when I hire you again. Alison, I'm going for the day."
"What does that mean?"
"Bets, don't eat that. It was in his car all day."
"Sally, sweetheart."

Episode 5
"What happened?"
"She didn't need stitches in the end, I understand?"
"Sally didn't mention it?"
"I don't think children belong in graveyards."
"She was?"
"It's not a good time."
"I can."
"I'd like to have that in writing."
"I signed his receipts, didn't I?"
"Morris, comma, in reference to retooling the factory for London Fog children and young adults…"
"You're wasting paper."
"They waste paper because they throw out bad ideas."
"You came here because we do this better than you and part of that is letting our Ceatives be unproductive until they are."
"I don't want to talk you this way."
"We've tried it before and it never works."
"You want to make money? Start getting your nails dirty with Bert Cooper and Harry Crane. Clients love to pay for media and Creative needs pencils."
"And lay off expense accounts. Think of the men's morale and not just your own."
"I've seen everything. You have my ticket stubs."
"Hello? Anyone home? I'll get it."
"Hello?"
"Yes."
"No."
"Why?"
"No. You're fine."
"Bets. Thanks for the call."
"No one."
"Hang in there, Bets."
"It's not, but I'll have one."
"Whenever you want."
"Twice. And yet, I never thought to bring a bottle."
"My daughter took forever. I remember being pretty worked up. And the nurse said 'Don't forget your wife's in the boat, you're on the shore."
"Yes."
"Not enough."
"Well, the good news, time has stopped."
"They attack you?"
"I do."
"Except your subjects want to kill you."
"How do they know you're dangerous?"
"Everybody in stripes."
"That's a bullshit excuse."
"Try now."
"I don't think that's unusual."
"Our worst fears lie in anticipation."
"Congratulations."
"Thanks, Dennis."
"Go see your baby."
"I heard you."
"It's a boy."
"How do you feel?"
"You look beautiful, Bets."
"What'd you say?"
"We don't have to decide that now."
"No. And I don't expect to for the next 6 months."
"Roger."
"Where are you?"
"She did."
"No name yet."
"Why were you in the art department?"
"I missed half a day."
"I'll see what I can do."
"Can I get some coffee?"
"What are you doing out of bed?"
"A snack, want some?"
"Mommy's much better at it."
"I am."
"Why's that?"
"Really?"
"It's not Grandpa Gene's room. It's the baby's room."
"Well, I thought you were going to be a boy. Not all surprises are bad. Everything's going to be fine."
"Well, then, I guess it must be true."
"Send her in."
"You didn't have to do that."
"I invited you in."
"Maybe we need to get you a cheaper secretary."
"It's not a good time."
"It's not gonna happen, Peggy, not now. I'm fighting for paper clips around here."
"You're gonna be fine, Peggy."
"Really?"
"I suppose that's probably true."
"What do you want me to say?"
"You see what's been going on here the last 6 months?"
"We're here."
"Remember you have to be careful."
"Want something to eat."
"I got it. Come on."

Episode 6
"It's 10:30, why aren't you asleep?"
"Sally?"
"What are you afraid of?"
"I'm home now. Nothing can hurt you. Except maybe this mess. Pick up your room, we'll get you a nightlight."
"Go to sleep."
"4th of July. Subtle."
"I assume you know what this is about."
"Why?"
"London."
"That's not necessary."
"Go to town."
"I already had one."
"I don't believe that story."
"Because you've sold it."
"No one said you did anything."
"Listen, Roger. I'm OK, Angelo. We don't need to talk about this anymore. I promise."
"Thank you."
"I gotta shave."
"They ordered me to do it. We have an inspection tomorrow. The British."
"Did you pick up a night light."
"I don't know that she resents him."
"We don't know. Delayed everybody's vacation plans."
"Who?"
"Would you ever want to live in London? I'm serious."
"Nothing."
"I am."
"That's very flattering."
"That's very impressive."
"I as well."
"I don't think so."
"What?"
"Uh, I know what he does, why is he calling?"
"And he's calling for me?"
"Put him through."
"Donald Draper."
"May I ask what this is regarding?"
"How about right now?"
"15 minutes."
"I'm on my way."
"I'm Donald Draper."
"We have, haven't we?"
"We had a drink, of course."
"I can't believe you're Conrad Hilton."
"Don."
"I'm fine."
"I really should have known that."
"Well, they don't do that for everyone."
"How did you find me."
"Well, here I am. What can I do for you?"
"I think you wouldn't be in the Presidential suite right now if you worked for free."
"Connie, this is my profession, what do you want me to do?"
"I don't think anybody wants to think of a mouse in a hotel."
"I might."
"I'm not gonna lie. I'd love a chance at your business."
"Well, Connie. There are snakes that go months without eating and then they catch something, but they're so hungry that they suffocate while they're eating. One opportunity at a time."
"Home or office?"
"Joan. My God."
"How is he?"
"But he's not going to."
"Jesus, that's awful."
"I'll wait."
"Despite the circus today, I hope you know that you are going to be terribly missed."
"I'm sure you're right."
"It's a terrible tragedy."
"I don't know if that's true."
"You should get home to that lucky husband."
"Sure."
"That's a good one."
"Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey."
"Hey. I got you. I got you. Just breathe."
"Come on. Calm down and tell me what's going on."
"He's not."
"He's a baby, that's it. Now I want you to go to sleep. There's no such thing as ghosts."
"Bets, this has to stop."
"No she's not jealous, she's scared, and it's all because he has that name."
"No, that's ridiculous. Let's talk about Sally."
"He hated me and I hated him. That's the memory."
"Come on, let's get you to sleep."
"You see? It's alright. This is your little brother. He's only a baby and we don't know who he is yet or what he's going to be and that is a wonderful thing."

Episode 7
"Well, it's hard for me to judge when I can't see a price tag."
"I think it's fine, Bets."
"Move the end table and the lamp to the other end of the couch."
"Yes, it is."
"How was it?"
"It'll help him."
"I like the title."
"Is he publishing it himself?"
"Move it? I'm 15 minutes late. I told you I don't want them hovering. If I'm late, send them away and call them when I get here."
"Right now?"
"Hold on. Come back in 20 minutes. Did you offer him coffee?"
"20 minutes."
"Move it."
"Alison hold all my calls."
"Connie, what a great day to start the day?"
"Well, can I get you something."
"What can I do for you?"
"I'm easily distracted."
"Maybe I'm late because I was spending time with my family reading the bible."
"Well, you caught my by surprise, Connie. I think you know that."
"Yes."
"Don't you have a coterie of trusted advisors, friends, kings that might council you better?
"I think that's a good start."
"I look forward to it."
"If you say so."
"Speak to you soon."
"Miami's where we should start. Let it grow from there."
"Look, do you want to kill this thing in one year, or do you want to shear the sheep every year."
"We ran into each other at a party. That'll be all."
"Pete, I think you're supposed to bring in the account and I'm supposed to beg to be on it. What happened with North American Aviation?"
"When they do, we can talk about Hilton."
"I thought I'd let it be an incoming phone call and then wait to see who took credit for it."
"Finally."
"We travel in the same circles."
"Well, don't be afraid to push back. I agreed to the New York hotels, but everything else should be under our terms."
"I'll give him my word."
"It's very generous. I'll think about it."
"Look, I've gotten to know Conrad Hilton a little bit and I think he'll enjoy something he can't have. And you should tell him it matters to me."
"Still, I don't think anyone told him it matters to me."
"I'd be happy to."
"Yes."
"Huh, Jesus."
"Go ahead, I'll take Ernie home."
"Sally has a crush on her."
"You stare at the sun everyday?"
"You run?"
"Do you talk?"
"Oh, I will once it gets a little further along."
"How's your summer going?"
"Are you going to take a vacation?"
"Been here in August? It's a ghost town."
"Oh, we'll be here."
"I was just making conversation. You can change it if you want to."
"Do you want me to leave you alone, just say so."
"Nothing's happening, we're just talking."
"And where I come from, school teachers especially used to say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover."
"Is that impossible?"
"So how do people live elsewhere?"
"I'm not bored."
"Short."
"He hasn't gotten back to me."
"It's not that."
"Come on in."
"No."
"Who told you we were going to land Hilton? Because we're not. And I resent you bringing work in here under pretense."
"I didn't need to sign off on this."
"And you thought you'd come in here and ask for it because I never say no."
"What do I have to do for you, Peggy, tell me. You were my secretary and now you have an office and a job that a lot of full grown men would kill for. Every time I turn around you have your hand in my pocket. You want a raise. You want this account. Put your nose down and pay attention to your work because there's not one thing you've done here that I couldn't live without."
"You're good. Get better. Stop asking for stuff. Close the door."
"What's wrong?"
"What?"
"What do you think? I'm calling him."
"Bets, don't worry about my job."
"It doesn't concern you. You're taking care of."
"Let me explain something to you about business, since, as usual, you're turning this into something about yourself. No contract means I have all the power. They want me, but they can't have me."
"Good night."
"Where you headed?"
"Hop in."
"Thank you."
"Nice to meet you."
"Couple miles."
"In Niagara Falls, fancy that."
"Why is that?"
"I'm sure you have a good reason, not that it's any of my business."
"Again, none of my business."
"I have it on good authority that you're right."
"Nope, I'm in advertising."
"Thank you."
"That's true."
"What are they?"
Give me one. Make it two."
"How old are you?"
"No, I'm not."
"Shut up."
"That's right."
"Fender bender."
"No thank you."
"Fender bender."
"Thank you."
"Good morning."
"What do you want?"
"I would."
"I don't want anymore contact with Roger Sterling."
"I signed it."

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Episode 8
"If you're wondering, there's a Hathaway in there. The hotel gave me someone else's shirt."
"What are they doing out there?"
"They should be paying you for this."
"This is Don. OK. When? Tuesday night. Pan Am? Sure, send it to my office. You as well."
"He wants me to fly out Tuesday night and join him in Rome."
"Not for two days it isn't, I'll see the Coliseum from a taxi cab."
"First of all, that's not true. Second, there's nothing stopping you from coming with me. You have a passport."
"We can stay at the Waldorf anytime you want."
"Sorry, Birdie."
"I gotta catch up on my sleep."
"You know what happened to the Hilton cufflinks? They're little Stetsons, sterling silver."
"Look at that, how'd it go?"
"Car comes at a quarter to six."
"Yes."
"So they just killed the whole development."
"That's real politics."
"I'm up. I'm up."
"What, no. I can buy you a ticket at the airport."
"Sure, why not?"
"Wow."
"Which one?"
"I can barely stand up. Let me see what's going on."
"Sorry, I haven't changed my money yet."
"Whiskey, neat. May I join you?"
"Are they making fun of me?"
"I'm only in Rome for one night, I won't have my heart broken."
"Room 763."
"To whatever they were saying."
"Does that bother you?"
"I was just hoping you were easy."
"What brings you to Rome? Seeing anything interesting?
"Connie, this is my wife, Betty."
"He's something."
"You're tiny."
"Hello?"
"No. No, I'm up."
"Breakfast, sure, let me just…You know, Connie, Betty's telling me she already ordered breakfast up to the room. Can I meet you afterwards?"
"I did. I like sleeping on this side of the bed."
"I have to get up."
"Order something. Give us a full report."
"It was short and it was sweet."
"I'm gonna go check the mail, you want anything?"
"I called the office. Hilton sent a packet over before we even left."
"Hello, Francine."
"Hey."
"What's wrong?"
"Oh, Bets. We'll go away again, you know we will."
"Do me a favor. Look under your pillow. Open it. I saw it in the gift shop, but we were leaving, so I had Connie send it."
"I'll have it put on your bracelet."

Episode 9
"Hello."
"Connie."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"That's very interesting."
"Instinct."
"You want me to take your international business, Connie?"
"Let me think on that."
"OK."
"That's very good, Connie."
"Then I guess it's not that memorable."
"Done."
"Goodbye."
"I'm sorry about that."
"Baby's up every 3 hours, Hilton only calls every 4."
"I can't sleep. Going in."
"What are you doing?"
"In the dark?"
"You're wrong about that. Let me give you a ride, where you going?"
"So take a break, you smoke?"
"You think they can understand it?"
"Who are you? Are you dumb or pure? Running out here in the middle of the night and I run into you. How did that happen?"
"I don't know, I can't sleep. Right or left."
"It's a nice house."
"Have coffee with me."
"I'm always late. Just coffee."
"Good morning. Sorry."
"Can you get me some coffee, please? And I need you to type this up and get it to Hilton before he leaves for Europe."
"This. Coffee. Hilton."
"That window looks as old to me as those columns. Anybody look at a picture of the Athens Hilton?"
"And believe it or not, we're not allowed to pretend that's a view from the window at the Hilton, because it's not."
"The tag is flat."
"Well, that doesn't make it good. If it's bad, don't use it. What else?"
"Now that I can finally understand you, I am less impressed with what you have to say. That's your work, too. Who's we?"
"And how do I know that, take out a magnifying glass and look at one of those tiny hotels."
"There is no deadline. I want to see work as you think of it. Give me more ideas to reject. I can't do this all by myself."
"Hello?"
"Is it?"
"It's not a problem, Connie."
"Right now?"
"I'll be there. Give me an hour. Hello?"
"So what is that, moonshine?"
"I remember this."
"I didn't know that."
"You might be working too much."
"I'm not an expert."
"I'm glad you're telling me this."
"That's good."
"I did, but when I hear you say it, it sounds beautiful."
"Stop it. You're not."
"Thank you. I mean it."
"I can see you and I can here you. What do you want? Who died?"
"What?"
"Harry?"
"Roger did what?"
"Fantastic. That's a $25 Million account you stuck your nose in, Crane. Just get out."
"What happened?"
"I understand what just happened, what happened with the cut?"
"Sal, something must have happened. I can't help you unless you tell me."
"Jesus, I'm not gonna ask again."
"Cornered you?"
"You must have been really shocked?"
"But nothing happened because nothing could have happened because you're married?"
"You sure you want to do that? Who do you think you're talking to?"
"That would depend on what kind of girl and what I knew about her. You people."
"Lucky Strike could shut off our lights."
"I think you know that this is the way that this has to be. You'll do fine."
"Get me Lee Garner, Jr."
"Hi!"
"Not good."
"I don't care as long as I don't have to go. When is it?"
"A fundraiser for Rockefeller."
"I'm gonna go lie down. Goodnight, Carla."
"Rome, Tehran, Tokyo are magnificent destinations and that's really been the focus of almost every campaign you've had. Up 'til now. How to lure the American traveler abroad? What more do we need to than a picture of Athens to get our heart racing? And yet, the average American experiences a level of luxury that belongs only to kings in most of the world. We're not chauvinists, we just have expectations. Well, now there's one word that promises the thrill of international travel with the comfort of home. Hilton. How do you say ice water in Italian? Hilton. How do you say fresh towels in Farsi? Hilton. How do you say hamburger in Japanese? Hilton. Hilton, it's the same in every language."
"We'll see."
"Excuse me?"
"Well, right now that's not an actual destination."
"We-. I'll admit, I misunderstood that. I'm sure there's a way to fit that into this."
"This is a good campaign. One of the best. It's modern, it's witty, it's eye catching, it will change your business."
"Or they trust my work."
"Most ad men believe that clients are the thing that gets in the way of good work. I've never experienced that."
"This is a great campaign."
"Send him in."
"Who told you that?"
"Everything's under control."
"I'd tell you, but I don't want to hurt your feelings."
"Hello."
"Bets, Hilton just called. I'm going in."
"Go back to sleep."
"Then let me in."
"This is nice."
"I don't know. I wanted to talk."
"What do you want me to say? You've been flirting with me for months."
"So I can't stop thinking about you."
"Tell me you've run past that stretch of highway in the past 2 weeks and not thought of me, not looked for me?"
"So what?"
"I want you. I don't care. Doesn't that mean anything to someone like you?"

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Episode 10
"Yes. How was school today?"
"I do. It's just your answer's always longer so I thought I would start with Sally."
"No."
"Bets, I don't have a choice."
"Were you grading papers?"
"Thanks, Ms. Farrell. That's good to know."
"What did you say?"
"I would have told Charlie that my job is about boiling down communications to its essentials and that I know that there is a blue that at least 45% of the populations sees as the same."
"Maybe. The truth is that people may see things differently, but they don't really want to."
"Nobody feels as good about what they do as you do."
"I would have liked you. Long curly hair. No one has that anymore."
"Good morning, fellas. Yes."
"Too much story. Every time I here 'and then', there's another chance for the ladies at home to misunderstand."
"OK."
"Kerchief in a can? Don't use that, but very nice."
"What do you have for Western Union?"
"Hilton takes precedence, so I need you 2 to be ready for me at a moment's notice."
"How is that supposed to help?"
"I don't know why it took 2 months?"
"In his dressiest Stetson."
"What's going on?"
"No, it's OK."
"Don't."
"Why did you answer?"
"Get rid of him for 15 minutes and I'll run out."
"No. So there's a man in there, he doesn't need to know it's me."
"I don't want to ruin this."
"What happened there?"
"Well, I should be going."
"I wish you the best."
"I'll call you."
"Hang it up."
"Hey."
"What are you doing here?"
"Did you call my house last night?"
"Sit down. I'm sorry."
"Your brother's there."
"I'm sorry."
"Are you sure?"
"Hello."
"Let me do it. Let me drive him. Where you going again?"
"Then you'll have to come back alone. Let me do this for you."
"No, we're fine."
"Do you need to stop?"
"Well, I am. So I guess you kind of have to."
"I don't know if you're capable of understanding, but that job is important."
"No."
"Things didn't turn out so well for him."
"Hold on."
"I'm older than you, and I'm telling you it seems bad now, but you can still change things."
"Does that just sound stupid to you?"
"You need money?"
"I swore to myself I would try to do this right once."
"I want you to call me if you ever need you and I want you to remember if something happens to you your sister will never forgive herself."
"That I let you out 20 miles outside of Framingham?"
"Take care."
"He knows that."
"Nice."
"He'll be as good as he can be."
"It's OK."
"No. Can you get my wife on the phone?"
"Betty."
"I told you, I was with Hilton."
"Well did you remember to pick up my tuxedo?"
"I'll get home around 5:30, we should leave within the hour."
"What's wrong?"
"Get into bed, grab a hot water bottle, you have 7 hours. It's all the clients, all the partners and they're all expecting me to show up with the glamorous, elegant, stunning Betty Draper. I want to show you off, Bets."
"Sounds like you're talking to her parents. They should really be at that wedding."
"That's a slogan, not an idea. Paul."
"Damn it, Kinsey, what's your excuse?"
"Excuse me?"
"I hate when that happens."
"You can't frame a phone call."
"That's the way to go. You 2 keep working on that."
"Party's tonight. Monday."
"See, it all works out."
"Bets, are you ready?"
"Ready, Bets?"
"Look how pretty mommy is."
"Please. Please. Please. I'm very honored."

Episode 11
"You'll wear it once. Plus it's made out of plastic and it's crap."
"I'll go get it."
"There's more? It's a week."
"Oooh. They have a Woolworth's in Philly, too."
"Swing by the bank, there should be at least $200 in your checking. It's plenty."
"Take care."
"I can't tell if you two know each other or not."
"I think it's a tall order. Do you have to use horse meat?"
"I've eaten it."
"Don't change the name, don't change the product. Got it."
"I'll put the fellas on it."
"All the lights were on, I figured you'd be home."
"That's very thoughtful."
"And hot pepper?"
"I know."
"I pushed you."
"I'm happy now."
"What? OK. I'm gonna go lie down. Come get me when you want to."
"I don't want it to pass. The day I dropped the kids off at school and I saw you in the yard. I kept wishing you could get in the car and drive away with me."
"I'll clear my schedule, we can go to Mystic or something for the rest of the week."
"I am."
"This your first group?"
"Somebody get that."
"Turn off the sound."
"Any agency that does not change the name is stealing your money. The product is good. Dogs love it, but the name has been poisoned."
"I'm not saying a new name is easy to find, and we will give you a lot of options, but it's a label on a can. And it will be true because it will promise the quality of the product that's inside."
"I'll be right out."
"I'll be right back, Salamander."
"I left my hat in the car."
"You're home early, what did William do now?"
"Why didn't you just call the office? I came to feed the dog and change shirts, I have a client dinner in the city."
"What's going on?"
"Bets, that's my desk."
"Betty, this is my desk. It's private. Where did you get these?"
"No."
"I can explain. You didn't have to look at my things."
"People change their name, Bets. You did."
"I can explain."
"Bets, I… I need a drink."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Where do you want me to start?"
"Donald Draper. But it used to be Dick Whitman."
"It wasn't…romantic. I ended up married to her because I ran away to join the army. There was an accident and this guy was killed and I was injured, but they made a mistake. And all I had to do was be him and I could leave Korea."
"Donald Draper."
"Yes."
"Yes. I found out it was easier to be him than to start over. And it turned out he was married to that woman so I took care of her. And then I divorced her the minute I met her."
"When? The day we met? On our first date? On our wedding night? Why did you neeed to know?"
"No, I don't."
"I was very poor."
"I did and she reminded me that I loved you."
"I was surprised that you ever loved me."
"I don't know."
"I didn't think I had a choice and I don't know what the difference is. This is our house. Those are our children."
"Yes you do."
"Bets, I'm in here. How is he?"
"Sit with me."
"This was my father, Archibald. But this… But that's not my mother. My mother was a 22 year old prostitute who died having me. This woman, Abigail, Arch's wife. She raised me. When I was 10, Arch died and we moved. And Abigail took up with him. Mac. Uncle Mac. He was nice to me."
"They're all dead."
"He was my half brother. And he died. Killed himself. He came to me because he wanted help and I turned him away. He didn't even want help, he just, he just wanted to be a part of my life and I couldn't risk all of this. He hung himself."
"Are you going to have something?"
"Yes, of course."
"I'll see you tonight."
"I canceled my plans."
"I have plenty to do."
"I stopped by, no one answered."
"About last night."
"It's more complicated than that."
"Not right now. No."
"Only you would ask about me right now."
"No."
"Goodbye, Suzanne."
"Yes."
"No."
"It's cold out there. You can stay here with him, or I can."
"Good."

Episode 12
"I'm here."
"I've done it before."
"You want anything?"
"Is this official?"
"At least you had the guts to send me a memo."
"Salvatore Romano is gone. There's no one in charge of the art department."
"Jesus, it's hotter in here than in my office."
"Do you want me to walk you through a delivery schedule?"
"I don't understand. I can't run my department without an art director."
"Bert Cooper still has a say around here."
"What the hell is going on?"
"Bets?"
"Where's your mother?"
"Why are the kids watching this?"
"Take a pill and lie down. I can handle the kids."
"Turn this off, I'll make us some dinner."
"Can you two look at me? Everything's going to be OK. We have a new president and we're all going to be sad for a little bit. And then on Monday there's going to be a funeral."
"You should get ready, it's almost 2."
"Come on, Bets."
"I'm not gonna call Roger to find out. If we go in and it's off, we'll grab dinner or something. I can't sit in front of the TV all day."
"Just stay here until Carla comes."
"You want to dance?"
"Hey. Everything's going to be fine."
"You'll see."
"You ready?"
"What happened?"
"What?"
"Bets."
"Nothing. Go upstairs."
"Where?"
"Let me drive. I'll get the kids, we'll all go somewhere. That's a good idea."
"Francine has the kids."
"What?"
"You're very upset. I understand. I know it's painful, but it's going to pass."
"Bets, don't. You're distraught."
"Stop it."
"You'll feel better tomorrow, you'll see."
"You're right."
"Morning."
"I have to go to work, I'm sorry."
"I'm fine."
"Peggy. What are you doing here?"
"What do you have?"
"Bars are closed."
"Yes."

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Episode 13
"Sorry I'm late."
"I'm well, Connie, thank you. How are you?"
"What?"
"Why?"
"So, we're all gone?"
"Bullshit. It's a sausage factory. I turned them down 3 years ago."
"You come and go as you please?"
"And you don't give a crap that my future is tied up in this mess because of you?"
"And you wanted to play with me. Kick me around. Knock me down to size. Why you called me son. I get it now, Connie, it's business."
"Yes."
"Conrad Hilton told me PPL is being sold and us along with it."
"So you knew about this?"
"So what do we do?"
"So that's it? You're losing your business and you don't care?"
"Well, do something about it. If Sterling Cooper is for sale, why don't we buy it from PPL? We could put everything back the way it was"
"And you old men like building golden tombs and sealing the rest of us in with you. You're done. You know that, right?"
"I understand, I'll let you get back to sleep."
"Because I'm sick of getting batted around like a ping pong ball. Who the hell is in charge, a bunch of accountants trying to turn a dollar into a dollar ten? I want to work. I want to build something of my own, how do you not understand that, you did it yourself 40 years ago."
"Try me."
"I understand that."
"New Years Day."
"You talk to him."
"Conrad Hilton told me this morning."
"Because we don't want to go to McCann."
"It's more than that. You know Bert's done for."
"You want to work there?"
"I was wrong. I learned that with Hilton. I can sell ideas, but I'm not an account man."
"I value my relationship with you."
"I do."
"We have to try."
"I'll be up."
"You want me to go, too?"
"Come on, Bets. What are you doing seeing a lawyer?"
"You haven't been yourself. Maybe you need to see a doctor. A good one."
"You've had a tough couple of weeks. We all have."
"Well, forget it, I'm not going to let you break up this family."
"Close the door, have a seat."
"I couldn't sleep and I thought, why don't we go to McCann directly?"
"You're not even going to ask?"
"I want you to find out what the price was and give us a shot."
"Go ahead. It's the only thing you did well here."
"Jesus, that's right. You have absolute authority to fire anyone, fire us. Fire us, sever our contracts, let us go."
"Because once this sale goes through, you'll be thrown overboard and you'll be a corpse knocking against their hull."
"So we're negotiating. We'll put your name on the door."
"No."
"Obtain? We have to steal everything."
"Do we vote or something?"
"Alison, Mr. Price has requested an office wide memo. The office is closed this weekend. All work suspended. Carpet cleaning. Can you get me Mr. Campbell?"
"Call his house, it's important. Peggy, my office."
"Shut the door, sit down."
"They're selling the company."
"I'm starting a new agency. I need you here Sunday evening to get your things and to help us collect whatever accounts we end up taking."
"Yes."
"Why do you need to know that?"
"I can't tell you. Peggy, we are being bought by McCann. Do you know what that means?"
"I'm not going to beg you."
"Fine. I'm asking you."
"I guess I'll have to talk to Kurt and Smitty."
"How are you?"
"And how are you? We've been calling all day."
"We're fine."
"We're not firing you."
"Pete, we're starting a new agency. We're here to talk to you about joining us."
"Pete, I don't blame you for bailing out the way you've been treated."
"It's not hard for me to say it, Pete. You saw this coming, we didn't. In fact, you've been ahead on a lot of things. Aeronautics, teenagers, the negro market. We need you to keep us looking forward. I do, anyway."
"There's not going to be a lobby."
"We'll make you a partner if you can deliver by Sunday."
"We'll leave the name and the title as a goal, like it or not, that works with you."
"Welcome aboard."
"It's not an option. Goodnight."
"I can't believe he was going to leave."
"Not in this place."
"I need an attorney. Divorce."
"What are you talking about?"
"Who?"
"I need you to tell me what you know."
"Are they sleeping together?"
"Wake up."
"I don't care. Who the hell is Henry Francis?"
"Who the hell is he?"
"Because you're good and everyone else in the world is bad."
"You're so hurt, so brave, with your little white nose in the air. All along, you've been building a life raft."
"You never forgave me."
"You got everything you ever wanted. Everything, and you loved it! And now I'm not good enough for some spoiled mainline brat."
"You won't get a nickel and I'll take the kids. God knows they'll be better off."
"You're a whore. You know that?"
"It'll just be temporary."
"Yes."
"No. It has nothing to do with you. That's not what I mean. I love you both, you know that."
"I'm not going. I'm just living elsewhere."
"Sally, sweetheart."
"I will, it's just a different home."
"Listen to me, both of you. I will be here. You can call me and I will answer and I will be here. Sally. Sally."
"Nobody wants to do this, but I need you to be a big boy."
"Can I come in?"
"Yes I do. You were right. I've taken you for granted and I've been hard on you, but only because I think I see you as an extension of myself and you're not."
"Please, sit down."
"Do you know why I don’t go to McCann?"
"Because there are people out there who buy things, people like you and me, and something happened. Something terrible. And the way that they saw themselves is gone. And nobody understands that, but you do. And that's very valuable."
"With you or without you, I'm moving on. And I don't know if I can do it alone. Will you help me?"
"No. I won't spend the rest of my life trying to hire you." [Possibly "No. I will spend the rest of my life trying to hire you."]
"Sorry I'm late."
"Joan, what a good idea. We'll you're here, what'd you bring?"
"Clearisil?"
"I'll go start my office."
"I'm at the Roosevelt, but I'll need you to find me an apartment."
"For the time being."
"Go ahead fellas."
"I never saw myself working in a place like this."
"Thank you, Trudi."
"There's food."
"It's me. I'm not sure where I'm staying right now, but I'll be working out of the Pierre."
"Listen, Bets, I want you to know I'm not going to fight you."
"I hope you get what you always wanted."
"OK. Well, goodbye."
"How was your morning?"

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This never happened. It will shock you how much it never happened.

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