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Last year, I put together a transcript of Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 3 of 30 Rock. You guys liked it and I subsequently put together Everything Hurley Said, Everything Sawyer Said, Everything Locke Said, Everything Don Draper Said, and a the first two seasons of Everything Tracy Jordan Said. Here is Season 4. This season, Tracy Jordan had a few great lines, specifically in Episodes 18 and 21. As always, these are ALL of Tracy Jordan’s lines from Season 4. If you’re looking for a best of list or this isn’t your thing, there’s plenty of other internet out there for you. It’s going to take a second to get through, so be careful if you have stuff to do today.

Episode 1
-I can’t eat this, I’m a foodie.
-Well, before I made it in the stand up, I was a bucket drummer in the subway.
-Oh, yeah? Then how come I got sued for sexual harassment at it?
-You know how on St. Bart’s people be eating their lobster like this? Nyoooom, nyoooom, nyoooom, nyoooom.
-Don’t look at me in the eyes.
-Have I lost touch with my roots? I better talk to Rabbi Schmuli about this.
-I blame you and Dotcom. You have built a protective shell around me like a hermit crab or a mermaid booby. And now I’ve touch with the common man. Ehhhh. Who’s that?
-Oh, hey, guy. Come on in. So Rolly, where you from?
-Right on, my brother. My dear friend Moby opened up a tea house in Park Slope. Does he know you?
-Hey, Rolly, you ever lose your remote control?
-And then your wife start getting all mad because the roof won’t close and the bed that’s in the shape of your face is getting rained on? Hahaha. I like you, Rolly. Can I feel the rough skin on your hands?
-What do you mean that was weird? You sheltered me too much! I’m going out on the street and I don’t want nobody to follow me. Nobody. Uhmm. Which one is the elevator I’m not afraid of? RIGHT.
-Kenneth, how do I get out of this building?!
-Hello?
-Hello, is anyone there? I’m in a sort of tunnel and I see a man with a blue uniform. I think he’s a friend. Oh, never mind, there’s a door. Oh, it’s sunny!
-Hello, fellow human being. Would you like to ask me what time it is?
-Are you a large child or a small adult?
-You look regular, could I get your name? Is it Pedro? Is it Creckford? Is it Swimming?
-Are you a pre-op transcentaur?
-Excuse me, do you have change for a $10,000 bill?
-I would like some chicken nuggets, a beer, and some of my wife’s rice, to stay.
-Excuse me, sir, do you want to hold hands with a black millionaire?
-Does anyone want to be my friend?
-I’m normal!
-It’s going super great, Dotcom. Meet my new friends, Nobody. And his wife Susan Walters Hyphen Nobody. I’m so far from my roots, I don’t think I’ll ever get back.
-What’s that sound? Bucket drummers!
-These. These are my people. Bucket drummers, if you’re striking, so am I. Two-four-six-eight-ten-twelve-fourteen-sixteen-eighteen.
-New what? If it’s a blonde woman, I’m a kill myself!
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Here’s Everything Sawyer Said from Season 5 of Lost. When I started watching this season again, I was surprised by how big of a role Sawyer had this year. In fact he had about 1/3 more lines than Locke, who seemed to be at least as big a character. Surprisingly, there were 3 episodes in which Sawyer didn’t appear. He had about 6K words, which point of reference, Don Draper usually comes in around 9K-10K.

If you like this, you might like Everything Hurley Said, Everything Locke Said, Everything Don Draper Said or Everything Tracy Jordan Said. As always, these are submitted without context, so it might not be your thing. It’s a big internet out there, though, you’ll find something.

Lost fans, you should subscribe to 815 Sentences About Lost, a project of mine which is launching next week.

Episode 1
“Hell was that?”
“Where’s the freighter?”
“Uh uh, no way. A minute ago there was just coffin black smoke. Now there’s just nothing?”
“It was heading for that boat.”
“Just calm down, there’s no need to panic, alright, we’ll just go back to camp, figure this…”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“What do you mean the camps not gone? Who the hell are you anyway?”
“You mean the hatch? The one we blew up?”
“Before what happens again. And why is our camp gone?”
“I told you. We were running out of gas. I wanted to make sure she…I wanted to make sure they got back to the boat. It don’t matter now, does it?”
“First things first. Give me your shirt.”
“Yeah.”
“How we call a time out so you can tell us what the hell’s going on?”
“Trust you? I don’t know you.”
“Shut it, Ginger, or you’re getting one, too. Now talk.”
“What?”
“Not everyone. Locke.”
“Great.”
“So when are we now, Wiz Kid?”
“It was. Blown up, just like we left it.”
“You saying our camp is back on the beach again?”
“Good, I’m going back.”
“More pointless than staring at a hole in the ground?”
“Yeah, well, what if it ain’t? Hell, what if the helicopter hasn’t even taken off yet?”
“Who says?”
“Why not?”
“How do you know so much about this, Danny Boy?”
“So how can we stop it?”
“Then who can?”
“Son of a… bitch.”
“Backdoor. I’m getting some supplies.”
“The sky can flash all it wants, but I ain’t starting over, Dilbert. I ain’t rubbing 2 sticks together to start a fire and I ain’t hunting damn boar. There’s Dharma food, beer, and clothing in there. And I’m getting Desmond to let me in one way or another.”
“Yeah, why not?”
“This would all be fascinating if I was listening to you.”
“I don’t care whose in there.”
“Open the damn door.”
“Sure it will.”
“You’ll open up. It’s the ghost of Christmas future.”
“Open the damn door. Open the door.”
“Open up, I know you can hear me.”
“Argh…Door.”
“Everybody that I care about just blue up on your damn boat. I know what I can’t change.”
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Here’s Everything Hurley Said from Season 5 of Lost. Originally, Hurley’s character seemed to be only for comic relief, but by Season 5, he’s definitely become a solid member of the cast, and a big part of the story. There were 3 episodes he wasn’t in at all, and I left those in so you could follow along if you wanted. If you like this, you might like Everything Sawyer Said, Everything Locke Said, Everything Don Draper Said or Everything Tracy Jordan Said. As always, these are submitted without context, so it might not be your thing, but if you want to get a good idea of Hurley’s character, I’d start here.

Lost fans, you should subscribe to 815 Sentences About Lost, a project of mine which is launching next week.

Episode 1
“Here she comes, right now.”
“Awesome. You want a fry?”
“You know maybe if you ate more comfort food, you wouldn’t have to go around shooting people.”
“So that you popped outside Santa Rosa, who was he?”
“You think he was going to kill me?”
“You mean Locke?”
“I need a cool code name.”
“So when did you become so paranoid?”
“Oh, yeah? Paranoid like what? What kind of things?”
“Wait, he’s on our side now?”
“Sayid! Woah. You OK? Dude, dude. Oh, man. I thought this was supposed to be a safe house. We never should have left that island.”

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This video of the top 100 lines from The Wire is a fun trip down memory lane. I think I’m going to have to go watch all 5 seasons again.

This is documentation I can get behind, but for such a subjective subject, let’s agree to drop the ‘Top 100′ noise, ok?

Thanks, Jake – Via Warming Glow

I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve seen this before, but I do feel reasonably certain that I haven’t posted it yet.

Via Holy Kaw!

Here’s Season 3 of Everything Don Draper Said (and Season 1 and Season 2 (PLUS Everything Tracy Jordan Said Seasons 1, 2, and 3)). There were a few episodes this season where Don’s story wasn’t necessarily the focal point, or he didn’t have too many knockout scenes, and yet, as you scroll through, you’ll still find some magic. He had about 500 more words than last season, but much less than the 10K words in Season 1. As always, what follows is a transcription of everything Don Draper said this season on Mad Men. There’s no context, but if you’re a fan of the show, you’ll lose your morning looking at this. Enjoy!

Episode 1
“Come on, drink this.”
“You’re so sure it’s a girl?”
“I could have done that.”
“At least you don’t look tired.”
“Close your eyes.”
“You’re on a warm sandy beach.”
“You’re on a warm sandy beach. You can smell the faint scent of coconut oil. And as you slide your hands though that cold patch of sand underneath the shadow of your deck chair.”
“Bert’s on it’s way. Where’s Roger?”
“Well, it’s a sales call, isn’t there more I can do here?”
“Really? I have one.”
“Come on in, Bert.”
“This isn’t easy.”
“Is that the last of it? Because I don’t like how much I’m getting used to these.”
“Can you believe this? What is the world coming to?”
“That’s not a bottle, it’s his date.”
“‘I’m sorry honey, but I’m taken. I just pawned my typewriter so we can be together all weekend.’”
“Excuse me?”
“Uh, Bill. Call me Bill. And, uh, this is my associate, Mr. Fleischman.”
“Well, we have to check in and we have an early meeting.”
“The Belvedere.”
“Hoffstadt. My brother in law. He borrowed a suitcase to go to Puerto Rico, but he never tires of putting his name on other people’s things.”
“Really?”
“Uh, no, it’s OK. I don’t usually tell people I’m an accountant.”
“Of course you do know there are other kinds of accountants.”
“Tell them what we do.”
“Well, I’ll have to swear you all to secrecy.”
“You’re right.”
“You ever heard of James Hoffa.”
“There is a lot of money missing.”
“No, we’re accountants.”
“I don’t know, I keep going to a lot of places and keep ending up somewhere I’ve already been.”
“Sam.”
“Well, this is me.”
“I don’t know.”
“I’ve been married a long time. You get plenty of chances. It’s my birthday.”
“It really is.”
“That’s not gonna help.”
“Stand up.”
“Go on.”
“Not yet.”
“Come on, let’s go. Come on, forget your shoes. Let’s go. Come on!”
“Come on.”
“I’m just here to show you the continuity of our service. With our without Bert Peterson, you are on our mind.”
“Morris, you remember Salvatore Romano.”
“Sal, this is Howard.”
“Well, is it about our work? I mean, we don’t want to take credit for everything, but 2 of every 3 raincoats sold last year had London Fog stitched on the inside pocket.”
“London Fog is a 40 year old brand that sounds like it’s existed forever. You’ve established with our help that it means one thing. Rain coats. New products aside, there will be fat years and there will be lean years, but it is going to rain.”
“What time is it?”
“We should be back in the office by 3.”
“I’m gonna ask you something and I want you to be completely honest with me. London Fog. It’s a subway car, and there’s a commuter looking up. There’s a girl with her back to us. She’s wearing one of those short tan ones, but it’s open. Her legs are bare. We know what he’s seeing. Limit your exposure.”
“Good.”
“Help yourself. So, Cosgrove vs Campbell. Is Cooper playing God or Darwin?”
“Lane read about it in some management book?”
“Come in.”
“What?”
“Our stories are straight.”
“Find how much it is to repair and it will come out of your allowance.”
“Then don’t break things.”
“Come here.”
“I will always come home. You’ll always be my girl.”
“I don’t sleep well when I’m not here.”
“Yes.”
“Well, it was the middle of the night and it was raining very hard and I had just come home from work.”
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Every single time, and I mean EVERY SINGLE TIME I see a reference to the blog called “If Charlie Parker Was a Gunslinger, There’d Be a Whole Lot of Dead Copycats” it reminds me of a story my friend Ben told me. Ben is a sax player who studied at the Hartt School of Music in Hartford, CT. One of his professors there was Jackie McLean who, it was rumored, stabbed Charles Mingus. Accounts vary of the stabbing vary, so one of Ben’s classmates asked McLean if it was true and he answered with an instant classic. “Yeah, I stabbed the motherfucker, and I’ll stab you, too, if you don’t practice.” I love it. I’m glad ICPWAGTBAWLOFC keeps getting bigger because it means I get to keep remembering this story.

As mentioned last week, Everything Don Draper Said (Season 1) follows up on Everything Tracy Jordan Said Seasons 1, 2, and 3. This season is only around 7500 words (as opposed to Season 1’s 10K words), but you’re still gonna lose a morning if you try to read it all at once. Stay tuned, more coming soon from your favorite television characters. In any case, this fall is going to feature some fun Everything They Said projects… Without further adieu.

Episode 1
“Yeah, I eat a lot of apples.”
“What’s the number?”
“Dead, both.”
“My dad was 41, 42, he died in an accident. My mother died in childbirth. She was 22, I think.”
“Everything? Depends on the day.”
“3.”
“5.”
“Yes.”
“What do you mean?”
“How do you feel?”
“Nope, no, I’ve been good.”
“How is it?”
“Makes you feel better about sitting in a bar at lunch. Makes you feel like you’re getting something done.”
“Is it good?”
“Any calls?”
“Of course.”
“What do we have?”
“I can almost picture it.”
“So it’s about an airline that’s flown by Indians. Maybe a plane with some arrows stuck in the cargo door? That’s funny. That’s what gets people attention now, right? There has to be advertising for people who don’t have a sense of humor.”
“What else you got?”
“Stop writing for other writers.”
“What’s outside that window?”
“I get on a plane, I don’t care where I’m going, I just want to see the city disappearing behind me.”
“That Indian, that’s not about the majestic beauty of the Mohawk nation. It’s about adventure. Could be a pirate. Could be a knight in shining armor. Could be a conquistador getting off a boat. It’s about a fantastical people who are taking you someplace you’ve never been. Blah, blah, blah, blah.”
“You want to get on a plane to feel alive. You want to get on a place to see just the hint of a woman’s thigh because her skirt is just this much too short.”
“So I guess I’m helping both of us.”
“For what purpose?”
“Well, young campaigns don’t necessarily come from young people.”
“So what am I supposed to do, dangle a Pepsi out the window and see if I can hook a stroller?”
“This sounds like accounts to me.”
“You want younger people than that?”
“Tell Duck, clients don’t understand. Their success is related to standing out, not fitting in. It’s a fad. Paint them a picture, uh, something like one wants to be the needle in the haystack, not a haystack.”
“You’re talking as if they’re some fresh version of us. They’re not. Young people don’t know anything, especially that they’re young.”
“I know.”
“Don’t worry, we will be out of here before the singer starts.”
“I don’t think we have, Bets, Don Draper.”
“Pleasure.”
“I do.”
“I don’t think it’s permanent.”
“She’s a party girl, Bets.”
“Really.”
“How stupid do you think I am?”
“How does room service sound?”
“Wow.”
“Hold on.”
“Hello, yes, this is Mr. Draper in room 804. Yes, can you send up some vishiswas and a BLT on white toast…”
“Scratch that, 2 shrimp cocktails.”
“So, I have a lot of thoughts. How old are you?”
“Right, you’re experienced, I got it. Are you married?”
“So, again, you both did everything together and yet you get paid more?”
“But, you contribute words?”
“I’m gonna ask you a question that was always asked of me when I was on job interviews.”
“Have you ever been fired?”
“Book’s good. By the way it has Julian Koenig’s fingerprints all over it.”
“Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Smith.”
“That must happen all the time. You two share an office?”
“Of course not.”
“Good. So now that I’ve given you your babies and Xerox machine, should I throw in a couple of elephants? I don’t want there to be any excuses when you can’t bring in Martinson’s Coffee.”
“Send them in.”
“Where are we?”
“Are you gonna underline the ‘you’? For half the people it will be ‘where are you going’?”
“Where the hell is Dale?”
“I don’t know, sure, it’s fine. It’s obvious, I’m uninvolved.”
“What about that?”
“No, she’s right. Just because it has sentiment doesn’t make it sentimental. We’re talking about businessmen.”
“Says who? Just so you know, the people who talk that way think that monkeys can do this. And they take all this monkey crap and just stick it in a briefcase completely aware that their success depends on something more than their shoeshine. You are the product. You feeling something. That’s what sells. Not them. Not sex. They can’t do what we do. And they hate us for it.”
“Is that a question?”
“You can put that in your book.”
“Take your hat off.”
“Hey, Carla. Hey, BD.”
“I am tired. Where’s Mrs. Draper.”
“Want a ride to the station?”
“Goodnight.”
“Here, give it to me.”
“I’m here, too.”
“Hi. Bobby conked out, where were you?”
“Well, I was here.”
“I did.”
“Come on, show me what you learned in ballet.”
“”Now I am quietly waiting for the catastrophe of my personality to seem beautiful again. And interesting and modern. The country is gray and brown and white and trees. Snows and skies of laughter always diminishing. Less funny, not just darker, not just gray. It may be the coldest day of the year, what does he think of that? I mean, what do I? And if I do, perhaps I am myself again.”"
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Following up on Everything Tracy Jordan Said Seasons 1, 2, and 3, I figured I’d celebrate one of my other favorite shows by giving you Everything Don Draper Said Season 1 (Season 2 coming next week).

It’s over 10K words of Dreamy Don’s dialogue, and unfortunately there’s a more conversational lines than with Tracy Jordan. I was thinking about going through this and bolding the lines worth reading, but that turns this into more of a subjective exercise than I’m interested in. I hope you’ll call out your favorites in the comments, though, if you ever get to the end. I suggest you bookmark and come back, or print out and read on the commute. True Mad Men fans have just lost a morning of work. Enjoy!

Episode 1
“Yeah, hey, do you have a light? Old Gold man, huh?”
“Can I ask you a question? Why do you smoke Old Gold?”
“No, we’re actually just having a conversation, is that OK? Yeah. Do this again. Old Fashioned, please.”
“So you obviously need to relax after working here all night?”
“But what is it? I mean, low tar? Those new filters? Why don’t… why Old Gold?”
“So you’re used to them, is that it?”
“I could never get you to try another brand, say, my Luckies.”
“Alright, well, let’s just say, tomorrow, a tobacco weevil comes and eats, every last Old Gold on the planet.”
“It’s a tragedy, would you just stop smoking.”
“I love smoking, that’s very good.”
“Yeah, I heard about that.”
“Yes they do.”
“Am I interrupting anything?”
“How’s it going?”
“Can I run a few ideas past you?”
“I’m having a situation with my cigarette account.”
“Trade commission is cracking down on all of our health cares.”
“Well, that’s just it. The whole safer cigarette thing is over. No more doctors. No more testimonials. No more cough free, soothes your T zone, low tar, low nicotine, filter tip, nothing. All I have is a crush proof box and 4 out of 5 dead people smoked your brand.”
“I don’t want to go to school tomorrow.”
“Midge, I’m serious. I have nothing. I am over and they’re finally going to know it. Next time you see me they’ll be a bunch of young executives picking meat off my ribs.”
“What’s your secret?”
“We should get married.”
“I’m serious, you have your own business, you don’t mind when I come over.”
“What size Cadillac do you take?”
“Sterling’s having the tobacco people in in 9 hours and I have nothing.”
“You know there’s this kid who comes by my office everyday, looks where he’s going to put his plants.”
“It’s been on my mind.”
“You worried?”
“So, you, uh, came here cause you wanted to watch me get dressed?”
“In body, give me about a half hour for the rest of it.”
“Not on my watch.”
“We’ve got an Italian, Salvatore, my art director.”
“Sorry. Most of the Jewish guys work for the Jewish firms.”
“That’s very good.”
“You want me to run down to the deli, grab somebody?”
“Summer’s coming.”
“If I know these guys, you’re better off with a little sex appeal. Can you give me a woman in a bathing suit, put her next to your guy?”
“Give you a chance to get a real model.”
“Ah, I’m not really big on those things.”
“So. That’s it, huh? Relax?”
“Send her in.”
“I’m doing my own research.”
“The medical thing is dead, we understand that.”
“So basically, if you love danger, you’ll love smoking.”
“Freud, you say, what agency is he with?”
“Let me tell you something, Ms. Guttman.”
“Dr. Guttman. Psychology might be great at cocktail parties, but it so happens people were buying cigarettes before Freud was born. The issue isn’t why should people smoke, it’s why should people smoke Lucky Strike. Suggesting that our customers have a… what did you call it, a death wish? I just don’t see that on a billboard.”
“Just give me the damn report.”
“Oh, I’m sure I will. You’re the one who found all of our medical testimonials in the first place.”
“Has anyone else seen this?”
“Good. I don’t want to hear about it anymore. I’m sorry, I just find your whole approach perverse.”
“Sal, I’ll take that drink now.”
“He doesn’t know I’m sleeping in here, does he?”
“Who are you?”
“Would you , uh, you go out there and entertain him?”
“I see your point.”
“Send him in.”
“You are tough to take first thing in the morning, Pete.”
“Uh, she’s the new girl.”
“That’ll be all.”
“Oh, and sorry about Mr. Campbell here, he left his manners back at the fraternity house.”
“The future Mrs. Pete Campbell is a very lucky woman, when is the wedding again?”
“He sure did.”
“How old are you, Pete?”
“I bet the whole world looks like one great big brassier snap just waiting to be snapped, huh?”
“Campbell, we’re both men here, so I’m going to be direct.”
“Advertising is a very small world and when you do something like malign the reputation of a girl in the steno pool on her first day, you make it even smaller. Keep it up, and even if you do get my job, you’ll never run this place. You’ll die in that corner office, a mid-level executive with a little bit of hair who women go home with out of pity. Want to know why? Cause no one will like you.”
“Well, at least the building. Pleasure to meet you.”
“Oh, uh, I’m sorry. I was expecting.”
“And you are?”
“Of course, David, one of the rising stars at Sterling Cooper.”
“Very subtle, isn’t that your shirt?”
“Then, a 10% off coupon in select ladies magazines will increase your first time customers. Once we get them into the store, the rest is kind of up to you.”
“Ms. Mencken, coupons work. I think your father would agree with this strategy.”
“What kind of people do you want?”
“We obviously have very different ideas.”
“Ms, you are way out of line.”
“Talk out what, the silly idea that people are going to come to some store they’ve never been to because it’s more expensive?”
“Mencken’s is not Channel.”
“This is ridiculous, I’m not going to let a woman talk to me like this, this meeting is over. Good luck, Ms. Mencken.”
“Well, Roger’s not going to be happy, so I guess that’s good for you.”
“Look, I’m sorry I was so hard on you before, it’s just this damn tobacco thing.”
“Let’s take it a little slower, I don’t want to wake up pregnant.”
“Well, uh, I have been thinking quite a bit about this. And, uh. I mean you know I’m a Lucky Strike man from way back, so..”
“Gentleman, before you leave, can I just say something?”
“The Federal Trade Commission and Readers’ Digest have done you a favor. They’ve let you know that any ad that brings up the concept of cigarettes and health together, well, it’s just gonna make people think of cancer.”
“But what Lee Jr said is right. If you can’t make those health claims, neither can your competitors.”
“Not exactly, this is the greatest advertising opportunity since the invention of cereal. We have 6 identical companies making 6 identical products. We can say anything we want. How do you make your cigarettes?”
“There you go. There you go.”
“No, everybody else’s tobacco is poisonous. Lucky Strike’s is toasted.”
“Advertising is based on 1 thing: happiness. And you know what happiness is? It’s the smell of a new car, it’s freedom from fear. It’s a billboard, on the side of the road, that screams with reassurance that whatever you’re doing is OK. You are OK.”
“For the record, I pulled it out of thin air, so thank you up there.”
“I don’t know, uh, bunting and babies, that’s hard work. I’d make a hash of it.”
“Could you be a little more specific, honey?”
“Thank you, boys, I appreciate it.”
“I love to come through.”
“Haven’t you had enough of my magic for one day?”
“You’re a whore.”
“Peggy, would you get us a little more ice?”
“Just a minute. Fellas, I think this party is gonna have to move elsewhere.”
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe next time.”
“If Greta’s research was any good, I would have used it.”
“I’m saying, I had a report just like that, and it’s not like there’s some magic machine that makes identical copies of things.”
“Have a great night, Pete, congratulations.”
“Fear stimulates my imagination.”
“First of all, Peggy, I’m your boss, not your boyfriend. Second of all, you ever let Pete Campbell go through my trash again and you won’t be able to find a job selling sandwiches in Penn Station.”
“Of course not. Go home, put your curlers in, we’ll get a fresh start tomorrow. Oh, and Peggy, I need you to place a call.”
“That is quite a drink.”
“I shouldn’t have lost my temper and I certainly shouldn’t have treated you like anything less than a client.”
“So you understand?”
“Well, I’m not really as bad as all that. I was under a lot of pressure. Another account. It doesn’t really matter.”
“So, without making things worse, can I ask you a personal question?”
“Why aren’t you married?”
“Well, it’s just that you’re a beautiful, educated woman, don’t you think that getting married and having a family would make you happier than all the headaches that go along with fighting people like me?”
“So that’s it, you won’t get married because you find business to be a thrill.”
“She won’t get married because she’s never been in love. I think I wrote that and used it to sell nylons.”
“Oh you mean love, you mean big lightning bolt through the heart where you can’t eat and you can’t work and you just run of and get married and make babies. The reason you haven’t felt it is because it doesn’t exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons.”
“Pretty sure about it. You’re born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts, but I never forget. I’m living like there’s no tomorrow because there isn’t one.”
“Excuse me?”
“Don.”
“I don’t know if that’s true. You want another drink?”
“So I guess we’ll be seeing each other again.”
“I’d like that.”
“I didn’t want to bother you.”
“I’m not.”
“I’ll be right back, don’t move.”
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Last week was Season 1 and a couple months ago was Season 3. And now, I give you, Everything Tracy Jordan Said in season 2 of 30 Rock.

These are submitted without context, which some people seem to like and others, not so much. There’s a big internet out there, though, so if you don’t like it, I’m sure there’s something else for you.

Episode 1
-Yo, Ken, I’m'a use this whole the kitchen area as my bathroom, spread the word.

-She froze my credit cards, Liz Lemon, and she got custody of Griz. Can I keep my cockatiel in your office?

-Pop. What? I’m not apologizing, ‘cuz for once in my life I haven’t done anything wrong. How many years have you known me, Liz Lemon?

-So you know I like to minister to transvestite prostitutes.

-So Labor Day weekend I see this young she-dude at the dumpster by the 40/40. I pull over and I say you don’t have to live your life like this. You can be a freaky-deaky and do data entry. What about court reporting? Believe in yourself.

-So as I reach in the trash and pull this dude out, a paparazzo jumps out and takes a picture of me.

-Whose gonna do my banking? Whose gonna write my blogs? Whose gonna do the cooking on Taco Wednesdays?

-So he’s like my office wife?

-Kenneth Parcell, would you take this ring…and sell it in the Jewish part of midtown and use the money to get us a Nintendo Wii?

-I couldn’t sleep at all last night. Angie kept my Sharper Image white noise aroma therapy machine. She knows I can’t sleep without the sound of ocean and the smell of bacon.

-I’m not doing any of that.

-Great compromise, office wife.

-Liz Lemon, I need you to go my and pretend you’re doing a survey for the Radford Group and then ask my wife if she’s sleeping with DL Hugley.

-JS!

-What’s up? Liz Lemon, me and this dude used to do stand up together. Remember the night we had the threeway with Elaine Boosler, haha?

-Oh yeah, you know what? I think that was a mirror.

-JS, this is my Kenneth.

-Mad at you, Ken, I seen the way you was looking at Seinfeld. You used to look at me like that. What, am I not a big enough star for you anymore?

-Oh no! Did a Korean person die?

-Don’t do it, Liz Lemon. I know what me and Kenneth have looks perfect on the outside, but it’s work, damn it. It’s work.

Episode 2
-Yo, Ken. Angie and Griz is coming by to drop some of my stuff off.

-Yeah, but I want her to know that I’m having a good time on my own, so you should go get us some party hats. The pointy kind.

-No, cuz things have been said that cannot be taken back. She called my vanity license plate inscrutable! ICU81MI. Hilarious! Angie is in the past like Dracula and broadcast television.

-What, who?! That guy Mike that redid our driveway?… Nah, whatever. She should find someone new. Doesn’t bother me!

-Oh.. Check this out. My key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Mm. Look at this, my gold record from that novelty party song. ‘Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.’

-Yeah, I miss you, Griz.

-Hey, Ken!

-I only got 11-12 hour sleep last night. I got something on my mind grapes I need to talk to you about.

-I saw you hitting on Angie the other day. Seeing you with her. It opened my eyes.

-Yeah. All those years fooling around wasn’t fair to her. So you gotta make it fair! I want you to go to my house and make love to my wife, Ken.

-My home address is in the GPS under ‘Da Crib ‘cuz we live on Dacrib Avenue. Now you go to Angie…And you make sure you pleasure her.

-What have I done? Kenneth should be back by now. What’s going on over at my house? Ugh. No. No. Eww. I gotta stop this.

-I’m gonna kill you, Kenneth the page.

-It was a gesture, Angie. I’m saying I’m sorry.

-But, baby.

-What do you want? I’m willing to try anything.

-Alright. If that’s what it takes. If that’s what it takes.
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