Unlikely Words » Television

Family Matters was a Perfect Strangers spin off?

aaron cohen — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 14:03:57 +0000

Family Matters is an American sitcom about a middle-class African-American family living in Chicago, Illinois, which ran on national television for nine full seasons. The series was a spin-off of Perfect Strangers.

I really had no idea Family Matters was a Perfect Strangers spin off. Consider my mind blown.

Also, Family Matters is the second-longest running sitcom with a mostly black cast. Family Matters had 215 episodes, The Jerffersons had 253. The Cosby Show had only 197, yet somehow 201 are in syndication.

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On Louis

aaron cohen — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 18:33:48 +0000

Around the time Louis C.K. started selling his latest comedy special direct to fans as a download from his website, I figured I'd write something about it. I've always loved new models for people selling stuff. The last couple years are full of examples of entertainers, writers, media peeps, musicians, etc, creating their own platforms and distribution channels. Usually this results in a closer connection with fans, more advocacy for their work, and a lack of getting fucked with by established platforms and channels like record labels. So obviously this experiment by Louis would get a note here. And then day after day there were new links/points I wanted to include and it became a bigger thing and then I got sick and well, whatever. Here's your Louis post. (Louis's website doesn't have permalinks on the news updates, so this is a bit tricky, but there are only 2 updates, so it's not that tricky.

So the experiment worked. In about 12 days, Louis C.K. - Live at the Beacon Theater, has sold 200,000 copies and Louis has a million dollars. One of the compelling things about this whole thing is the transparency with which Louis is going about it. He feels a responsibility to the 200K people who gave him $5 to explain where the money is going: $250K is going toward the cost of the special, $250K is going to his staff as a bonus, and $280K is going to various charities. He's keeping $220K for himself. As people keep buying and he makes another million, he'll give more of it away.

David Carr talks to Louis a couple days after the launch.

O.K., so NBC is this huge company and they have all these studios and these satellites to beam stuff out, but on the Web, both NBC.com and LouisCK.com have the same amount of bandwidth. We are equals and there are things you can do with that. This has been a fun little experiment.

Louis cried like a little bitch on Fresh Air.

Here's Louis on Nightline last night talking about being out of jokes and Tracy Morgan.

Hi I'm Louis C.K. and this is a thing : IAmA.

Interviews or profiles in/on: New York Times, The New Yorker (excerpt), Rolling Stone (excerpt), Playboy, The A.V. Club, Esquire, New York Post, New York Magazine, Time, GQ.

Louis is hosting the

Radio and TV Congressional Correspondent’s Dinner, which I just linked to before realizing it's not the White House Correspondent's dinner. Test drive?

Here's a quick rundown of previous specials.

Frank Chimero says Louis is funny because he talks about shame.

All the greats had their focus: Richard Pryor and Chris Rock had race, George Carlin had absurdity, and I think Louis has hit on some sort of subterranean undercurrent of emotion that I didn’t realize might be swelling until I listened more closely: shame.

If you haven't seen Everything's Amazing & Nobody's Happy, watch it here:

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Wait, how old is Don Draper?

aaron cohen — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 17:16:53 +0000

Mad Men creator Matt Weiner recently talked to Grantland about a variety of things in an article titled "How Mad Men will end." He didn't say anything except, and I'm paraphrasing here, "Blah, blah, blah." In the paragraph Kottke pulled out, though was this: "It's 2011. Don Draper would be 84 right now." I posted it a couple years ago, but this is weird because a commenter on AMC used this interview with Don Draper to make a convincing case that Draper was born in 1924, not 1927. Being born in 1927 would explain Don's non-participation in World War II, but not sure how to explain away the 36 in 1960 thing.

Ha. Imagine if the previous paragraph was about Twilight instead of Mad Men.

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The Art of The Wire at Boston Book Fair

aaron cohen — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 20:37:20 +0000

The Boston Book Festival kicks off tomorrow with a discussion on The Art of The Wire. I've never been to one of these, but I'm always curious... Did The Wire just get lucky with amazingly insightful actors able to discuss race, class, institutional failure and the visual novel? These are heady topics, I wouldn't have thought actors would generally be the best to discuss them. I don't know who would be MORE qualified, though.

Kick off the Boston Book Festival with a thoughtful and timely exploration of The Wire with its cast and creators. Its creator, David Simon, referred to this powerful, gritty, and all-too-realistic exploration of urban poverty as a "visual novel." The Wire, perhaps the most critically-acclaimed series in television history, has been compared to Dickens, to Greek tragedy, even to Shakespearean drama. It is both high art and social commentary. Join several cast members and writer/producer George Pelecanos in a conversation about The Wire and issues of race, class, institutional failure, and the visual novel. The discussion will feature Donnie Andrews (the real "Omar"), Fran Boyd (the inspiration for David Simon's The Corner), Tray Chaney ("Poot"), Robert Chew ("Prop Joe"), and Jamie Hector ("Marlo Stanfield") and will be moderated by Reverend Eugene Rivers, co-founder of the Ten Point Coalition.

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Arrested Development movie AND season of TV

aaron cohen — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 22:22:03 +0000

I knew following the New Yorker's Twitter account would eventually pay off. Today at New Yorker Fest, the latest news about the long rumored Arrested Development movie. Calling this project 'on again off again', is an insult to understatements. The news today? Not only is the movie on, AD creator want's to do a season of TV leading up to the movie. So... That's good.

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Don Draper presents Facebook Timeline

aaron cohen — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 22:41:29 +0000

Brilliant. I mean, worth watching just for the 'Carousel' scene.

Via Urlesque / Brooklyn Mutt

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Cindy Brady’s Fluff art

aaron cohen — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 21:25:16 +0000

Susan Olsen, who you may know as Cindy Brady, from The Brady Bunch, also makes Fluff art. Her work is currently showing at Bloc 11 Cafe in Union Square, Somerville. Union Square is the home of this weekend's Fluff Fest. I know all of this because that's me on the Cooking Contest Judge page right under the astronaut and State Representative. No offense, Mr. Astronaut and Ms. State Representative.

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CLEAR EYES FULL HEART

aaron cohen — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 15:06:22 +0000

Kyle Chandler finally won an Emmy last night. To celebrate, here's an Emmy trailer video. I don't know if it's official, but it officially gave me chills. So there's that. Watch it if you want to run through a brick wall.

Texas forever.

Via Stellar

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New Jersey gave production tax credit to Jersey Shore

aaron cohen — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 21:26:24 +0000

The state of New Jersey gave the producers of Jersey Shore a production tax credit of $420K. Understandably, several lawmakers are are upset about it. In NJ's defense, the credit was for the first season. That said, where else would it have been filmed?

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Tom Haverford’s Investment Ideas

aaron cohen — Fri, 13 May 2011 02:40:14 +0000

Tom Haverford told us all about some of his investments tonight. They were, "the best investment ideas I've ever head in my life."

Make-A-Baby Tuxedo clothing line.
A department store with a guest list.
White fur ear muffs for men.
Contact lenses that display text messages.
Invent a phone that smells good.
Own a nightclub, call it Eclipse, that's only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge? Five THOUSAND dollars.

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Update: Some people I'm married to think that the first idea is to "make a baby tuxedo clothing line" not make a clothing line called "Make-A-Baby". This is valid criticism, but they're both funny.

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Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 5

aaron cohen — Mon, 09 May 2011 13:46:59 +0000

Here for your reading pleasure and nitpicky criticism is Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 5 of 30 Rock. As always, this is actually EVERYTHING he said, and is not intended to be a best of. This was a pretty analog exercise 2 years ago when I did it the first time, and it feels more so now. Theoretically, this should be a 20 minute supercut of all his lines for the season. There is, however, something interesting about seeing all of the lines in one place. You can also check out: Other seasons of Tracy Jordan, Everything Hurley Said, Everything Sawyer Said, Everything Locke Said, and Everything Don Draper Said.

Episode 1
-Yo. I'm calling to say that I'm giving you 110% this year. I'm relaxed. I'm focused. And I'm gonna be churning out the good stuff like you've never seen.
-Oh. I misdialed. I thought I was calling my nutritionist. Goodbye.
-Hey, KKKK. First day back is gonna be a busy one. First, I need you to go to the drycleaners for me and find out how Martinizing works. I've always been curious. Then, I need you to be back by noon to make the bathroom smell like sandalwood before I wreck it. You got that K-Pack of Gum.
-Of course. I knew that.
-Kenneth, I knew you'd come back. Let me smell your head.
-I'm sorry, but my heart is playing tricks on my eyes, just like my kidneys did to my lungs that time.
-I keep hallucinating Kenneth. Am I going crazy again? Should I get my rainbow wig out of storage?
-Like the World Cup. I'll try. No. This place is too full of memories. I've got to clear my head!
-No! You do not exist. I am in control of this.
-You're not real. If I threw you in front of a car, it would drive right through you.
-Of course it would. It would know everything I knew because it sprung from my imagination.
-Oh, no. I missed it! Do it again.
-I love you, Kenwood. Why don't you come back home to TGS. Pick the peas out of my fried rice. And the rice. I just want carrots.
-Don't you miss rubbing my foot back into the shape of a foot?
-I guess this is goodbye. Obviously, I'm gonna need the tote bag.
-Sure is, wanna go kiss in the prop cage?

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Episode 2
-I'm werewolfing myself.
-You know when a dude knows he's gonna turn into a werewolf and locks himself in a jail? Well, I'm embarrassed to say I've missed the birth of both of my sons…for very legitimate reasons.
-So I promised Angie I will not miss the birth of our daughter.
-And my mood ring! And I don't know how I feel about that.
-And good for you, Liz Lemon. There's something about you lately. Make me want to put my feet in your mouth.
-I can't leave my dressing room until Angie goes in to labor, but the president is saying we have to go outside.
-If I was a real werewolf, I'd wear baggy clothes so my nice clothes wouldn't get all torn up. Same rules for if I were the Hulk. I don't get why people like brunch. What's the benefit of combining breakdancing and lunch?
-You're not Griz! Ahh!
-I just gotta get to the hospital on Right There. Taxi! Sir, I don't have any money, but I need to get to Mount Sinai Hospital.
-Wow, it's like I always say, 'White cab drivers are weird.'.
-Explain the rules.
-So to be there for the birth of my daughter I have to answer trivia questions despite having gone to middle school in an Exxon station?
-Bring it.
-Come on, I don't know that.
-OK, I remember going to the Statue of Liberty Centennial cuz that year someone had spread a rumor that she was going to slip out of her toga and I wanted to see some green boobies. And that year the Mets had just won the World Series cuz that night I was randomly attacked by a Mets fan that I had thrown a pile doo at. That was 1986. And centennial is a hundred years because centipeding means having sex with a hundred women. I got it. 1886.
-She is an orca, Benjamin. FYI, they're very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.
-I'm coming, Angie!
-The Lazy Susan was invented by Thomas Jefferson. I know because I'm a descendent of Thomas Jefferson and Lazy Susan herself. The capital of the United Arab Emirates is Abu Dhabi. I know that because if I go back there, I'll be executed. There are twelve tons in the chromatic scale. [Singing] I know that because I'm a musical genius.
-Tracy Jordan. Hero. Husband. Diabetic slash alcoholic. Yes!
-Am I pulling it right?
-OK.
-It's still not opening.
-I'm trying to pull, you keep saying push.
-What you want me to do? You're yelling at me.
-I'm freaking out!
-Because I love you, baby, and I'll always be by your side no matter what Discovery Channel game show stands in my way. I wouldn't have missed whatever just happened here for anything. I don't know what I'd do without you. And I mean it.
-Why is that baby covered with goop?
-You ready for this, Jacky D?
-Explain.
-Jacky D, you want to make God laugh? Make a plan, or read him a Dave Barry book. You worried about being old, Jack? You could live forever, but you still can't predict what happens in life. Wait a minute, there's no baby in here.
-Oh, she's in the crib. Good.
-I hate to say I told you so, so, 'Welcome to Miami'.

Episode 3
-That's Tracy Jordan spelled backwards.
-Don't worry about it, Jacky D, I'm on it. Call Griz. I need someone around me who's not just a yes man.
-So, what do we want to see on TV? I personally love cop shows. I can't wait for Law and Order to start back up.
-Why? It was a tent pole. A tent pole!
-I'd like to see that incorporated in to your re-write. OK, meeting over.
-The only thing that worked in the read through was the dog.
-Good, and there's a lot of buzz. Can you hear it, too? Or is my tinnitus acting up. Hey, that food is for DotCom Productions only. TGS's food is backstage.
-Yo, Jacky D. I had dinner with Don Imus last night. He told the following joke…
-And thank you, Representative. What you're doing is very important. I can assure you that NBC is committed to making diversity, a priority. Then just walk away, and don't try to kiss her, Tracy. And don't say that last part.
-I'll kill you, white devil.
-I'm cutting that fat cracker's head off.
-Yes! Great fix, Griz.

Episode 4 (East Coast Version)
-Of course not. His album doesn't drop until December.
-It was funnier than the porn version and the best part is when the actors started cracking up. He laughed so hard they couldn't even finish the skit.
-I would like to do that, please.
-Crack up instead of saying these stupid lines I wrote.
-You never take my creative suggestions.
-And you should have. Those dudes were awesome. And so is my crack up idea.
-I promise. I swear on my mother's grape.
-Yes, goodbye.
-Gentlemen, tonight I'm going to laugh harder than I did at DotCom's play.
-Tracy Jordan in the house.
-That's an excellent question. Uh oh. I'm doing something called breaking. Bwahahahahah. Snort, heehee, giggle giggle. The audience loves this.
-I can't be, I'm missing that part of my brain.
-Why does anyone do anything? They're rich or they have attention deficit disor-Look at Lutz's shirt. Hahaha.
-Alright, no more laughing. Kraut's honor.
-Goodbye!
-Oh, no. My Oprah wig is falling off. This is an exciting mishap. This is live.
-Now my mustache is askew. Oops. That thing fell off. And that thing, too. Uh oh. Now my shirt is accidentally falling off. America.
-Goodnight!

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Episode 5
-Ah K-Swiz. I need to cancel my gig for hosting the MTV International Video Music Awards.
-I hate to bail, but I've been asked to do a commercial for the Boys & Girls Club of America, and I just can't turn down community service. Because if I do, that judge will make me join the Coast Guard.
-I don't watch the Macy's Parade. If I want to see a 50 foot Spiderman, I'll just go into my rec room. Thank you.
-I envy you. I don't really know my parents.
-What line?
-Scripts get in the way of my process, Sean. Let's just shoot a hundred of these and see what we get.
-What's my cue? You know what? It doesn't matter, I don't know my lines.
-We're causing a huge traffic while getting paid to make dreams. We're the luckiest people on Earth. Now someone get me a Jolt Cola. It does not exist anymore.
-I'm sorry, I have an erection. I think it's the sound of the skateboard. We're going again. Everyone safely back to 1.
-Shirt on or off, Sean?
-Good note, back to 1. Hey, Jacky D. Let's take a quick five hundred so everyone can meet Jack.
-Yeah! That's the kind of stuff I should be saying. It's in my head now, let's roll.

Episode 6
-I am a Jedi!
-Thank God I didn't [Bleep] anybody, and thank God I didn't [Bleep] myself.
-This is terrible. When I'm dead, that's what I'll leave behind? That's how my grandkids will remember me as they fly around in they jetpacks?
-It doesn't matter. That's how the world sees me, as some idiot millionaire.
-I seen my NBC News obituary, Jacky D. I look like a fool in it.
-Sure, I Google myself all the time. Like when Angie's not in the mood, or I'm alone in a hotel.
-I did not know that. That explains why Liz Lemon was so cool the other day.
-Liz Lemon, you mind if I Google myself in your office?
-Can I use your computer?
-Don't forget, I never listen!
-Who's Prince Hal?
-I don't know any of my lines!
-You know something Jacky D? That thing I said earlier about Prince Hal got me thinking. I've have to change my headline.
-No, no, no, Jacky D. I don't need your help, I'm Tracy Jordan. When I go to sleep, nothing happens in the world.
-Read back what we have so far.
-Why is this so hard? All I want to do is turn in to a worldwide hero overnight.
-That cat's a hero. If I save it, I'm a double hero.
-Ken, I need your help.
-Denied!
-You ready?
-I'll be right behind you.
-Yeah, let's go. If I won an Oscar, everyone would have to respect me. My obituary would read Oscar winner instead of children's soccer heckler. It would change my headline.
-I feel like I'm forgetting something. Huhhhh. I left Tracy Junior in Atlantic City!

Episode 7
-Make that all three of us. Uh, Jenna, a word. Specifically the word talking.
-J-Train, as you may know, I was in a film called, 'Hard to Watch', and the "pundits" think I have a "chance" at an "Oscar". And I just learned about "air quotes."
-I know this is difficult for you.
-Well, if you're OK talking about it, I need your help. These reporters want to come do a story on me. They're from something called the, uh, Hollywood Foreign Press Association.
-So, what do you think I should do?
-Be bad at snapping, got it!
-I'm not an expert at morality, but isn't that wrong?
-Hahahahaha.
-On the day, Kenneth's mouth will be filled with Wasabi so he don't do so much [talking sign].
-I'd like to thank you all for coming. We've heard complaints about the sushi platter moving. We're working on it.
-Well, definitely the foreign films. Like the political ones where you think there'll be no boobies, and then BAM, boobies.
-I think the better question is, 'What isn't an actor?' A lamp. A couch. That mirror. Or a hidden pistol. An actor-
-They call New York, The Big Apple. Never seemed that way to me. I used to have dreams. I was an All City running back. And I was gonna run out of here. To college. To the suburbs. Now the only thing I use a football for is as a toilet. Funny thing to happen to a guy named Lucky.
-I can go to jail in DeSean's place, cuz he's my brother. Don't say nothing. Sometimes you gotta do the right thing. Even when the wrong thing is a whole lot easier. Now let's just have one last happy dinner together. As a family.
-I have them right where I want them. Time to do a little Golden Globe shopping.
-Sabotage, but I'm the one who does that to me.
-Wait, great like good? Or grate like the thing I dropped my asthma inhaler down the other day?
-No, Liz Lemon. It's like the thing I said in another movie I made. Compromises are for lesser souls. Die werewolf zombie.
-Too small.

Episode 8
-Hey, LL, sorry we haven't had time to get in to our costumes yet.
-They hate when one of us wins.
-Your boos are not scaring me. I know most of you aren't ghosts.
-How did you know that? You're like Rain Man. Quick, how many toothpicks are on the ground?
-You need to go to Vegas.
-Too small.
-You probably said 'Fortnight.'
-And I'm the nerd who takes off his glasses and everyone realizes he's handsome.
-Can they? Look at me. I'm Ogbert the nerd. Always have been, always will be.
-My glasses are dirty.

Episode 9
-Hey, what was that sound? It was opportunity knocking.
-You were right, Donald. It makes more sense for you to enter first.
-OK, you remember Donald. My son who's 2 years older than me.
-You wouldn't believe this, but that business failed. I blame Obama. But the good news is, Donald has a brand new venture. Sell him, son.
-So it's decided, Jack's on board as an investor.
-So. It's. Decide-
-What is Senor Mexico saying? Stop keeping me out the loop.
-Damn it, you think I don't know that? I poured more cash into Donald's restaurant than my money pit in Connecticut.
-No, I do not. Jack, I need other investors besides me.
-That's what I call my wallet. I bankroll every one of his dumb ideas, but what choice do I have? I'm his father.
-Come on, the boy is only 43 years old.
-But I can't crush his dreams.
-And I bankrolled that, too. Thank God we tested that with a monkey first.
-Hahaha.
-Unemotional, got it.
-I just love you so much.
-It is true, little man. But I need you to be a big boy on this. You're just not meant to be a business man.
-Too late, look how we're positioned.
-Cough, nerd.
-And it's going to work, son.

Episode 10
-Liz Lemon, I can not participate in this promo.
-Because it's not honest! As an actor, it is my job to tell the truth, hold a mirror to humanity, and sell Proactive. I will not spout your lies, Liz Lemon, and I will not say, "Merry Christmas, Kabletown."
-Thanks, K-L-M-N-O-P, I've been waiting for this.
-Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the life of Althea Chump. Damn, that's funky.
-Yeah, well, this sequel is never coming out. I bought the rights so this movie is never being released.
-That's the problem, Ken. It's 67 minutes of me acting like a hilarious fool. If this movie comes out before the Golden Globes, it'll ruin my new image.
-No, I don't. I'm lying. My favorite thing in the world is making people laugh, but I can't now. I had to go on Charlie Rose, Kenneth. Charlie Rose.
-I have no choice. I gotta stay serious. From now on, the only movies Tracy Jordan makes are about the Holocaust, Georgia O'Keefe, or both.
-I'm here picking up a serious outfit from wardrobe for my event later.
-Screening my very sad movie, 'Hard to Watch' at a women's shelter. It's gonna be real depressing.
-In the Darfur region, the dead may be the lucky ones. Next slide.
-What else can I do, Kenneth? People only take you seriously if you're serious.
-Ladies of the battered women's shelter, please be quiet, a man is talking. You're about to watch a film that holds a mirror up to your own terrible lives. You're gonna see poverty, drug abuse, and a bunch of babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster.
-Damn it, I can't get Kenneth out of my head.
-Well, he's right. People do need to laugh, and I'm the medicine.
-Something I should have done a long time ago.
-Shut up, DotCom.
-Ladies and children, I give you the Chumps 2, a Very Chunky Christmas.
-Damn Christmas lights blew a fuuu-----.
-Oh, Holy Night. The stars are brightly shining. It is the night of the dead savior's birth and I hope everybody, everybody have a very merry Christmas and someone need's to clean this table up, it's disgusting.
-Merry Christmas from the Chunks.

Episode 11
-Liz Lemon, I want it to be noted that I am here on time. This is a new year and a fresh start for me. Now I gotta go.
-I'm hosting the International Pornography Awards and I have to go get an insurance physical so I can fly in to the arena in a penis shaped parachute.
-What, no?!
-What, no?!
-But I can't die, Dr. Spaceman. Who will be there to raise my kids if I'm not around to pay someone to raise my kids?
-Well, we tried.
-Thanks, Jack for coming to this emergency meeting. I'm sorry I'm 4 hours late, but my alarm clock didn't go off because it died in a cock fight last night.
-Well, it's come to my attention that I'm going to die.
-And if you need to make millions of dollars but have no real skills or education, the best place to do it is in entertainment. I mean look at me, hahahah.
-I can't even find Mexico on a map. Hahahaha.
-Don't even get me started on marriage. Thank you.

Episode 12
-Hi
-I don't know. After I've won a bunch of awards for my movie, it's not going to get better.
-Good question, Liz Lemon. When you win an Oscar, it opens up an elite level of actor craziness. Throwing telephones at hotel employees, speaking to the UN about some messed up crap in Africa, and I'm definitely getting a private island.
-Every crazy A-Lister owns an island, Nicolas Cage, Celine Dion, Charles Widmore. This is a whole new world in front of me, LL. I'm like Stout Cortez.
-He's my gardner, he's easily amazed.
-Oh, I'm sorry, that was misleading. I'm not gonna rehearse. I'm gonna get a sandwich and then eat it on the toilet.
-Of course, I'm just continuing my consistent professional behavior. Let's laugh together, friend. Hahahah.
-Let's do it again from the top. I want to get it perfect because perfection is my middle name. 'Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy.'
-Of course, friend. Teamwork is the key to success.
-OK, no problem.
-No, I wasn't going to buy 2 blimps and crash them in to each other to see what sound they made.
-Never better. I'm has happy as a clam that wants to kill some woman.
-Love you more.
-[Singing] Shut your mouth, I am finished taking orders from you, and I think that you're a four-eyed douche.
-[Singing] That's too bad, but if I sing you can not do anything. To make me look bad on your TV show. And also let me say that Liz is a ho. A dirty ho.
-[Singing] Unlike me who is good, as you can tell from this rhyme.
-[Singing] Woahohohoahooooowoahoooo
-LL, please. I'm way ahead of you. And I'm not rehearsing, I'm going to shoot garden gnomes with a handgun at Tupac's house. Yeah, Tupac is alive, I bet you'd like to have that on your show.
-Oh, that explains it. Those are gloves, no wonder they're so course and wrinkly.
-Hahahah. You wore a yellow hat to that coffee shop. You know what's actually funny about all this, you think I'm the problem. Have you ever tried to work with you?
-Five years ago, I saved your show. I rode in here on a white horse that you made me leave in the lobby. All you do is stifle me when you should be thanking me.
-This honky grandma be tripping over Surf Master's midrange jet skis.
-But then I would run you over with a jet ski.
- Five years ago, I saved your show.
-You snarted in my dressing room?
-That footage can not be shown on television, I'm trying to buy an island over here.
-And I have no reason to hug her other than my love of having boobs pressed against me.
-And I wound anticipate your angling and I would get there.
-I would get there.
-Of course, friend.
-Never better.
-Love you more!
-How do I get that boob squish?
-Don't you already said it all on the show. You said it all.
-I got there.

Episode 13
-Do not mention the underwater city of Zarodicon, got it.
-That's nice. Actors deserve gifts. Without us, who would present awards to actors?
-Wow. I always wanted one of these. The box will make a perfect coffin for my teddy bear.
-You taking my nephew's virginity.
-You take it, I don't care. I want you to selfishly take the best sweatshirt in the world.
-Hello. Good sweatshirt to you. How are you sweatshirting that sweatshirt?
-I want that sweatshirt.
-Was I supposed to throw up in something of mine?
-And I can take it back. I'm the star here. And it there's only one sweatshirt, the star should have it. Look how grey it is. Let me just hold it for one second.
-Stop! Sweatshirty is a boy!
-Don't listen to her. She's not me.
-The story begins when dolphins ruled the Earth.
-Really?
-Congratulations. I am not interested in Godfather duties.
-I'm sorry we were stressing you out. We shouldn't do that. It'll turn a child into Dracula.
-Oh, man!
-Do you need some liniment rubbed on your perineum?
-Why would you pretend to help Jack? Help him for real. It takes the same amount of time.
-You will be punished, can I have my nunchucks back?
-What? Who is the black guy?

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Episode 14
-Clear.
-I'll need a whale saddle.
-Kate Capshaw's husband?
-Pop Tart.
-As am I, Liz Lemon. It'll probably involve a guitar playing chimpanzee that I bought this morning.
-Uh. Hold on. DotCom is confirming that he drowned.
-Why are you putting me in a suit? I still have to memorize my Torah passage.
-Speaking? That doesn't sound like me. That sounds like work.
-I'm not scared of you people and I don't think those cashews look like a bowl of baby fetuses. Being is an EGOT is fun. Here's to me, spending the rest of my life in rooms like this.
-Breakfast with Chuck Schumer? I don't want to watch that guy eat. 5K homeless walk? That just seems cruel. Cornell commencement address? Sorry, but Tracy Jordan doesn't do safety schools. The next level sucks.
-Yes. Just now.
-But my incompetence knows no bounds.
-I don't remember saying you could listen to that conversation, but continue.
-Al Sharpton would denounce me in a press conference on the street because Al Sharpton doesn't have an office.
-I thought going to the next level would be amazing, Ken, like guitar playing chimpanzee amazing. God bless and keep him. But now everybody expects me to do all of this stuff and I don't want to let anyone down, but I'm scared.
-Kenward, I was thinking about what you said and you're right. I'm Oscar winner Tracy Jordan, and as scary as it is, I have a responsibility to fix the world starting with the worst place ever.
-Africa. I leave today. Goodbye.
-It's amazing, this morning I taught the local school children all the words to Monster Mash.
-Don't you think that this is bigger than all that? Like how an ant is much bigger than a smaller bug.
-I have to go, this was a really good decision. Goodbye, Kenny.
-Yup. Really good decision.

Episode 15
Tracy Jordan didn't say anything.

Episode 16
Tracy Jordan didn't say anything.

Episode 17
-I know the photo shoot for Randi's dog's funeral is the wrong place to tell you this, but uh, I'm going to Africa.
-Angie, look what the banister did to me.
-Let's roleplay.
-Our boat exploded.

Episode 18
-I'm doing God's work here in Africa. Why just yesterday I kicked 2 naked people out of a garden.
-Bamonoshiki, click, click, click. Yeah, that's right. I just put you in your place in African.
-Africa's great. We got juju monsters, gumgum trees, and horseicorns, which is a unicorn with a horse's head.
-Oh sure. Ladysmith Black Mombazo, Paul Simon, Invictus.
-Crazy! They had the snowiest winter in years in New York. In Africa.
-Uh oh, night time. Gotta go to bed or I'll anger the gods. They must be crazy. Africa.

Episode 19
-Well, well, well. You found me, after I ordered Thai food and gave you my address.
-Hang on. Something not's right. Why is Jeremy acting so weird? I don't like this.
-Uh oh. Jeremy, call me when you're alone.
-Black statue.
-What are you mad about? I'm waiving the $60 thousand dollars you owe me in appearance fees.
-Really? Think about it. TGS is your whole life so where's the last place you would be if you were out trying to save your show. Home! Life lesson from an unlikely source.
-I know, I've seen you do it.
-You're having a dream. Is this your only mustard?
-And yet you still don't have the one I'm thinking of. It's red. It says 'ketchup' on it. Oh. I hear it. That's on me.
-You don't think I want to, LL.
-As a timesaver, I will refer to the two of you as Klemon. I wanted that next level, Klemon. Now remember to save time, you two are Kemon. It's a combination of-
-I had everything I dreamed of. Awards, respect, Justin Long's autograph. But I also got expectations. People thought I could change the world and it's too much pressure. Like that time I got caught in Temple Grandin's hugging machine at the Golden Globes party.
-I'm sorry I did this to you, half of Klemon. Sean Penn wanted me to go to Haiti with him, and I'm not strong enough for the pain and human misery of a three hour plane ride with Sean Penn. I'm tired of hiding. I just want my old life back.
-It's not a leash, it's a very long skin tag.
-Because I had worn it to their wedding. It was special to the three of us.
-I have to burn all my goodwill, then they won't expect anything from me.
-Tracy Jordan is off the leash.

Episode 20
-Jesus was black.
-Why don't you shut your mouth, back that ass up, and make me a sandwich?
-I lied to all you ugly, white ladies. I didn't go to Africa. I was hiding in a warehouse in Queens watching vintage pornography.
-No, it's unbrave. You should hate me.
-What does that even mean?
-Yaaargh. Yaaargh.
-It was a disaster.
-I'm so reloved I can do no wrong. Now everyone's after me. Unicef, the Gates Foundation, and what is Farm Aid? Is it a drink? Is it a truck? Is it a bandage you put on a barn? See, that's the kind of lazy stand up I'll never do again.
-FU, LL, spells full. Because you're full of BS, Liz Lemon.
-You better be right, Liz Lemon, because I can't take much more of this. I think Bono got in my limo.
-I am a Jedi!
-No. No!
-I'm back, Liz Lemon.
-No, I mean I'm back to where I was yesterday. I can't get anyone mad at me. I even called a women's basketball team, 'nappy headed hoes'. Apparently, I'm aloud to talk like that. Why?
-Tracy who? I don't even know who I am anymore.
-There are tears falling on her boobies, Liz Lemon.
-I know you've been molested. That's how we all got here. But I don't want to hear about it.
-But I wasn't even supposed to say that. The line was, 'Tyrene, I hope Dr. Muguto has good news about my endoscopy', but I couldn't say that so they told me to improve.
-You see what you've done, Liz Lemon?
-Yeah, this is my front. Thanks for setting me up with another classic quote.
-You can keep it. I'm just packing up a few things and then I'm gone.
-I'm quitting show business. I can't stop the horrible respect people have for me.
-Of course, this is all off the record.
-But you don't understand.
-No, thank you.
-That's crazy. A man name Elia. That's a giraffe's name.
-Shoot someone, huh? Nah. That's crazy even for us.
-Hahahahaha.
-I'm sorry, Ken, but maybe Jenna was right. The only way I could come back is if I shoot someone, and that's crazy. Or is it? Maybe that's a good idea.
-I should shoot you on the roof of 30 Rock.
-I can not promise you that, Ken, I'm a horrible shot.
-We all have doubt, Ktel Records, but we made a decision, and we'll look stupid if we don't follow through.
-My bad. That was an accident.
-Don't startle me when I'm holding a gun. Use your head, Liz Lemon.
-I didn't know that, Jack. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get people to stop respecting me.
-Yes, even more than I want to shoot Kenneth.
-Let's make some TV.
-I'm back…everybody…you're welcome…for the adventure…my absence…woo…provided.
-The Grimace Foundation, Jerry. Keeping milkshakes purple for over a thousand years.

Episode 21
-Great impression of a guy that sucks, DotCom. Look, we've got a lot of work to catch up on.
-What are you laughing about?
-No, no, no, no, no. You three are not allowed to have inside jokes that I'm not a part of. I can have inside jokes that you're not a part of, for example, 'hot feet', or, 'ask Melissa about it.' But my entourage serves me, and, 'smooth move, Ferguson' is not funny to me, so it is forbidden. Understand? Next order of business, Griz' DVD reviews of this weekend.
-I knew it. I knew you were saying that behind my back.
-I knew you wouldn't stop and now your failure leaves us only one option. Explain to me why, 'smooth move, Ferguson' is funny.
-That story is not funny.
-Then I will be. We are going to recreate all the events surrounding 'smooth move, Ferguson,' exactly as they occurred. Maybe then we can get on with our lives. Let's get to work.
-Now that I've killed that bug, I'd like to call this 'smooth move, Ferguson' recreation meeting to order. Kenneth, report.
-Get a rain machine. Look, here, take my credit card, use it to break in to a special effects warehouse to steal one.
-Security footage, DotCom licks the subway steps. These are solvable problems.
-JMo, how long would it take for your hair to grow back?
-You know I do.
-Then we'll reconvene in three weeks. Meeting is adjourned. Oh, my God. What happened to my bug?
-K9. Operation Ferguson status report.
-Was DotCom standing that gay?
-Hey, what's my boy KJ doing on TV?
-Yeah, we did a movie together that he directed and co-starred in.
-Death to the CIA. Let us all increase production of millet and sunflowers!
-It was either that or play a rapping doorman in a Kate Hudson movie.
-Hahahahahahaha. I get it now, it's so funny. Everyone laugh. Now, you sons of bitches.
-OK, but you might not like what I have to tell you. Kim Jong Il sometimes shoots in the close up too much. Comedy lives in the wide shot. And also, this is going to be rough, his acting notes are often vauge.
-Smooth move, Ferguson, hahaha. Smooth move, Ferguson-
-It's not about the joke. It's about what the joke represents, you monsters.
-I came back and you were fine without me. You laughed without me. And that was our special thing, but no. You thought 'smooth move, Ferguson, was so hilarious.
-You dropped a bomb, K, continue.
-Wahahwhwaah. Don't ever tell me what to do. Quadhug, me in the middle. And also due to a paperwork mishap, you will not be getting paid this month.
-Yeah!
-I don't have to listen to this.
-The leads are weak.

Episode 22
-Heyyyyy.
-Fore! Oh my God. Liz? It's Tracy. From work!
-I just bought everything around this house. It's supposed to be a nice area except for the "new element" everyone keeps telling me. Look, I've got a long night of shooting guns in the air ahead of me, you mind if I take a nap here?
-If I start screaming in my sleep, do not wake me up. I will attack you.
-Ahhhhhh wake me up. Free me from this. Ahhhhh.
-Liz Lemon.
-The party hasn't started. That's just the guys setting up. Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I'm trying to get a humming bird to drink out of my penis.
-Oh, I'm sorry. You didn't want to live next door to your friend, after all I've done for you? How many times have I come over and painted your apartment?
-Or maybe you're saying we're not friends. That's fine. I don't think it'll effect my behavior next season.
-Great! I'll come over tomorrow morning.
-Fore! Hey, guys! It's me, Tracy. The black guy from work.
-I hooked a ball on to a truck on the Long Island Expressway and Tracy Jordan doesn't take mulligans. Good thing you had to move out of that house. Some idiot rammed his boat that I was driving in to it.

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Root beer is super water.

aaron cohen — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 02:50:32 +0000

Tom Haverford was riffing about food on Parks and Recreation and I had to transcribe it. If I knew how to use the computer, I'd just put up the clip on Youtube, but this is how I do it.

"'Serts are what I call desserts. 'Tretres are entrees. I call sandwiches, sannies, samdoozles, Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are Cool Blasterz with a z, I don't know where that came from. I call cakes, big ol' cookies. I call noodles long ass rice. Fried chicken is fry fry chicky chick. Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm. Chicken Cacciatore is chicky catch. I call eggs pre-birds or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks food rakes."

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Lonely Sandwich on Apple TV

aaron cohen — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 17:51:25 +0000

Good thoughts, but I blogged it mostly because of the line, "Play them on your Vizio, Derek. You disgust me." ###Possibly related posts:Best Apple Pie Recipe Ever – Swedish Apple Pie Just like Apple Fluffernutter Massachusetts’ Official State Sandwich? ### Possibly related posts:

Jesus is My Friend on Glee

aaron cohen — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 01:18:31 +0000

Watching Glee on DVR and noticed Oral Intensity did a cover of Sonseed's Jesus Is My Friend. If you haven't watched this video, you really owe it to yourself find sometime to watch what critics have called, "Not only one of the funniest music videos of ALL time, but also a really interesting use of religious appropriation of popular musical culture. A must see."*

*If a critic said this, it's a coincidence because I just made it up.
**I've probably posted this before.

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How old is Don Draper?

aaron cohen — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 18:07:54 +0000

86 or 87. Glad that's sorted out. ###Possibly related posts:Wait, how old is Don Draper? Everything Don Draper Said Season 3 Everything Don Draper Said Season 1 ### Possibly related posts:

Tracy Morgan on Tina Fey or Sarah Palin

aaron cohen — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 17:01:13 +0000

My favorite part about this video is that before Tracy said Sarah Palin was good masturbation material, he was very clearly going to say, "Both of them at the same time." Everything Tracy Jordan Said indeed.

In TNT's apology, they interestingly criticized Tracy, but not the hosts who set him up.

Via The Daily What

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British ‘Mad Men’ coming, starring McNulty from The Wire

aaron cohen — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 15:16:49 +0000

At a certain point, we've all wondered when the world of The Wire would cross with the world of Mad Men. The wait is over. Dominic West/McNulty will star in The Hour, a 6 part BBC drama about the making of television news hour set in 1956 London. The show is, be still my beating heart, being called the British equivalent to Mad Men. WOW. FUCKING WOW!

Via Jonah.

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List of Possible EGOT Winners

aaron cohen — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 19:40:46 +0000

folkinz made a list of folks he thinks have a real shot at earning EGOT status. I'm not sure anyone belongs on this list if they have only won one of the four (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony). Obviously Bette Midler and Lily Tomlin are the favorites having won 3 of the 4 needed, but also because it's not impossible to imagine them winning Oscars (you know, in the way that it's impossible to imagine Gwyneth Platrow winning a Grammy)

# cher (E, G, O)
# jamie foxx (G, O)
# catherine zeta-jones (O,T)
# jennifer hudson (G, O)
# lily tomlin (E, G, T)
# gwyneth paltrow (O)
# kevin spacey (O)
# nicole kidman (O)
# renee zellweger (O)
# scarlett johansson (T)
# anne hathaway (E)
# joaquin phoenix (G)
# reese witherspoon (O)
# hugh jackman (E, T)
# justin timberlake (E, G) oscar may be a stretch i know.
# meryl streep (E, O)
# bette midler (E, G, T)

Incidentally, there have been 12 EGOT winners (or 10 if you're a stickler).

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Mad Men Season 4 Episode 13 Recap

aaron cohen — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 04:21:13 +0000

I was really happy to work with Chris Piascik on this weekly series of Mad Men drawings and recap. I'm really pleased with how they came out and I hope you enjoyed the little twist they added each week.

The big question about what would happen with the agency was actually solved last week when the partners all put money in. That bought them 6 months. The beginning of next season will have to be right around 6 months from now, or else losing Lucky Strike wasn't that big of a deal. If I recall correctly, season 2 was 6 months after season 1 and season 3 was 1 year after season 2. Maybe the pattern will be 6 months, 1 year, 6 months, etc. From the comments last week was a suggestion of Hilton (or possibly Disney saving the agency), which I thought made sense. That didn't come to pass because the agency's situation isn't as dire as we thought. I thought Sterling killing himself was another possibility based on a sequence from a couple episodes ago. That didn't happen either.

-When Joan delivers the mail to Lane, she definitely looked like she decided to keep the baby. This is confirmed later in the episode when talking to her rapey husband. "Yes, honey, they're bigger." I guess surgeons in Vietnam can make calls.
-We hadn't seen it in a while, but when Don and Pete met with the Cancer Society, he was pitching. That's always fun. At the beginning, he was subtly pitching himself, "In my heart it was an impulse because I knew what I needed to do to move forward." Before going on to pitch ideas, "Teenagers are sentimental as well. Have you heard their music?"
-The partners tried to get Ken Cosgrove to Pete Campbell his father in law. He's not willing to do it, though. "I'm not Pete, sorry about that." On the second watch, I noticed that Don's look lingered a bit on Ken when he talked about not wanting to screw stuff up with his wife/real life.
-"It's Glenn, are you decent?" Sketchy Glenn is so sketchy!
-Betty is feeling all upheaved and she's taking it out on Carla. There conversation has a strange dynamic because Carla is deferential, but not TOO deferential. In certain cases, she talks to Betty as if she's a child. A recurring theme.
-All you hedge fund dicks paying 15%? Capital Gains was 48% in 1965. Stop complaining.
-I'm extremely excited for The Walking Dead, but it's possible AMC went a little hard promoting it this week. Also, imagine how much AMC gave up in advertising during the finale of Mad Men. I wonder how much of a crossover Mad Men and The Walking Dead. On the one hand, there is definitely a set that watches all of the finely crafted cable programs (Sopranos, The Wire, Breaking Bad, Mad Men, etc). On the other hand, zombies are not in the ballpark, not even in the same sport as advertising in the 60s.
-Maybe Don's turning over a new leaf. He takes Faye Miller's advice and tells his kids that he's sometimes called Dick. We'll see how long it takes him to tell Megan.
-As soon as Stephanie gave Don the engagement ring, I figured he'd ask Megan to marry him. It made sense because, 1. Well, what was he going to do with an engagement ring? and 2. What was he going to do with an engagement ring in the finale of the season? After that milkshake scene, it was obvious. Other telegraphs were his lawyer suggesting he settle down and his look at Ken when Ken mentioned his wife.
-"There is no fresh start. Lives carry on." This is interesting, and probably jarring to Betty because Don actually did get a fresh start. He did and he didn't though, because Dick Whitman is still following the new Don Draper around. Also, I think Henry is continuing to realize he's made a mistake. Especially with the, "No one's ever on your side." line. No one's on her side because she always on the wrong side.
-Did you notice Don was drinking the champagne of beers right before going a-knocking on Megan's door.
-Peggy's out pitching and it's working. Way to go, Peggy.
-Don told Megan she made him, "Feel like myself. The way I want to feel." When he says myself, what do you think he means? I wonder what Megan's role will be like next year.
-After Ken told Peggy they'd won the account, Peggy jumped into Ken's arms and he lifted her up as they hugged. Then immediately after, they both fixed their hair at the same time. Pretty awesome.
-After Don told everyone about the engagement, Peggy stayed behind to discuss. It's clear Don has an affection for Peggy, but it's more father/daughter or brother/sister. Hard to say why Peggy cares, really, except maybe devotion.
-I guess Peggy and Joan are friends now? Took a long time! "Well, I learned a long time ago to not get all my satisfaction from this job." "Bullshit."
-I wonder what this means from a psychological perspective, "I hope she knows you only like the beginnings of things." Don was never going to be able to be with Faye permanently after he told her. He's not able to be who he wants to be when someone knows who he really is. You want to know when Peggy will be leaving the show? It'll be sometime very soon after she learns the truth about Don's past.
-The scene with Don and Betty in the old house was very sweet. Betty was vulnerable. I thought for a second they would do it. The shot that ended that scene with Don going out one door and Betty out the other was one of my favorites of the season. Nice work, cinematographers.
Scene with Don/Betty, great shot.
-So, this was around Labor Day, right? Strange that I think the last 3 episodes took place in a month while all the other episodes were separated by about a month. Unless this was during Columbus Day. Did they have Columbus Day in 1965?
-I don't know what Don looking out the window in the last scene signifies, but as J pointed out, the song that played the episode out was "I've Got You Babe." That was the song playing every morning in Groundhog Day. It's a stretch, and an obscure reference, but how cool would it be if that was actually a nod to the idea that Don's life is repeating itself? Very cool.

So that's it. Another season in the books. The finale didn't have the explosions of last year when the new agency was formed, but the engagement was a huge event. I enjoyed it. What did you think?

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Mad Men Season 4 Episode 12 Recap

aaron cohen — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 04:20:11 +0000

And a special bonus this week.

Each week, Chris Piascik draws one of the better quotations from the episode and we pair it with the recap I write on his site and here. ~~If you're reading this sentence it's because I finished the recap before Chris finished the drawing and I had to go to bed. Check back in the morning.~~

I enjoyed this episode a lot, but I don't have a whole lot to say about it. Like last week, it seemed to move the plot forward quickly, but not touch so much on bigger (and more subtle themes). I haven't noticed if this is the first, but this episode was directed by John Slattery (Roger Sterling).

-"There's a time for beans and there's a time for ketchup." Apparently, however, the time for beans at SCDP is not now. People think the agency is dying and they don't want to be associated with it right now. "I will have an exciting idea, I know that." Doesn't mean much.
-Did you see Harry Crane's office? It had an antique desk and a replica cannon. Crane really is a ridiculous character.
-Sketchy Glenn is back giving Sally Draper an additional psychiatry appointment per day. He's really coming across as well-grounded and it's weird. Glenn's decided that if he can't have Betty, he'll have Sally instead. I loved how he turned and ran when he saw Betty.
-We're getting closer and closer to the late 60's and unfortunately Midge is the sacrificial lamb for the writers to depict the coming popularity of heroin/drugs. Her and her husband are so far gone that he's willing to whore her out for a score. Her painting did seemingly inspire Don's ad in the New York Times. Though maybe it was her obvious desperation that was the inspiration. "It's about what she sees when she shuts her eyes."
-"She doesn't care what the truth is as long as I do what she says." Sally is learning to be like Betty. Suppressing everything as a tactic to get by. Incidentally, Betty needs Sally's psychiatrist more than Sally does. The conversation between Betty and the doctor was great and when the doctor said, "I'm a child psychiatrist", the implication being that Betty is a child.
-Peggy wanted Don to change the name or the conversation, and according to Ken Cosgrove, Don at least changed the conversation. It was quite literally an ad for the agency, as Don mentioned, and it gave him the opportunity to get on his advertising genius high horse. I love when he gets on his advertising genius high horse. I don't remember the exact quote, but he's said something similar before. "This ad is genius and if you don't get it, I'm not going to bother trying to explain it, you won't get it anyway. Luddite."
-Creative is "the least important most important thing there is." Talk amongst yourselves.
-After the NYT ad, Don had to pry from Peggy what she thought of it. I feel like he has to do that quite a bit. He'll do something, and she won't tell him what she thinks. It's almost as if he's used to getting a response, positive or negative from everyone, and her not responding throws a wrench in his sense of normalcy. This conversation was a reference to the ham fight in one of the first couple episodes. Peggy said something along the lines of, "I thought you didn't go in for shenanigans like this." The NYT ad was a stunt in the same way the ham fight was. We'll see if it was as successful.
-Betty finally wants to move out of the house. Sally's bummed.
-Ted Chaough's Kennedy was pretty atrocious, very Mayor Quimbyesque, and I was curious why they got such a poor Bobby Kennedy impersonator.
-Don paid Pete Campbell's share, which I guess is Don's way of thanking Pete for carrying Don's shit. Where did Don get $150K?
-Also, did Bert Cooper really just quit? "You there, get my shoes." It would be a fitting exit for a man without an office.

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